LOOK AT ME DAMN IT
I have commented before on an extremely annoying standard pose employed by many models on Etsy: Looking up in mock wonder at the stupid thing you placed on your own head moments before you took the photo.
I have never understood what women think they’re conveying by striking this pose. I suppose they think it says, “I have a childlike wonder for all things.” I think it says, “I have a short term memory problem.”
Beyond not being able to understand the point of this posturing, I can’t imagine where it came from. Almost every listing shows a winsome young woman unable to come to grips with the thing she just put on her own head. But where did it start? Where did people get the idea that not being able to look at the camera is communicating anything other than painful shyness or sociopathy?
Well, I may have found the answer.
These are the women of Etsy.
They blog about a variety of super cute and super important stories and things, probably while chewing on a fun pen and wearing glasses with no lenses. Their official Etsy portraits reveal a myriad of ways to not look at the camera, or pretend they were caught off-guard.
Chappell
We just happened to catch Chappell when she was lost in thought, smiling to herself in a giant cowl, just like every day at Etsy.
On this particular day, she was so engrossed thinking about shredding old quilts to make hamster bedding that she never even heard the photographer coming!
It wouldn’t have mattered anyway. You see, Chappell is missing a sternocleidomastoid muscle after an unfortunate mishap with a statement necklace, and has to sit with her fist under her jaw to keep her head from lolling to one side.
Julie
Julie gets the ball rolling by looking up and to the leftt. She was going to look up and to the right, but Jane called her the night before and they worked it out.
I’m not sure what Julie is looking at up there, but whatever it is, it certainly is making her feel all cute and giggly.
What do you think it could be?
a) The Kate Bosworth cotton commercial
b) A flyer for a new Farmer’s Market in TriBeCa
c) Her Care Bear backpack
d) A parakeet mirror and bell
Jane
Jane, as agreed, looks up and to the right.
It’s not as fun to look to the right as it is to look to the left, but Jane isn’t really going for dorky glamour.
No, she’s working that corn fed mid-west gal in the big city smile, just marveling at how big the buildings are, and how nice New Yorkers kin be, iff’n you give ‘em a chance.
Christine
Christine shows us an entirely different way not to look at the camera. She doesn’t find any of this fun, she’s too busy thinking about the water table and the fact that pygmy goats will be extinct in another 200 years if we don’t stop farming baby carrots. How can anyone smile in a world like this?
Oh she tries. She wears a funny mustache necklace and a quirky patchwork shirt, and everyone appreciates her efforts to be lighthearted. She even manages to get half a smile on one side of her face. And in a world where some people can’t even get organic juices, that’s no small feat.
Danielle
Oh God. Isn’t it always the way?
You wear your nicest shrug, you put in your feather hair extensions, and then the staff photographer comes along and takes your official Etsy portrait right when you’re drinking out of your giant whimsy cup!
“It just all happened so fast, I didn’t even have a second to put my chai down! Oh Chad, you are such a booger! I am totally going to get you at the next Sadie Hawkins day!”
Cheer up, Danielle! I mean, it could have been worse! You could have been looking down at your pants or something!
Lincoln
Lincoln, if that is her real name, showcases a brand new way to not look at the camera by pretending to look down at her pants or something.
I like to imagine she’s just urinated where she’s standing, and is wondering how hard it’s going to be to get it out of her liederhosen.
Alison
Alison shows Jane how it’s done by looking to the right with such a gooberface that she completely sweeps her for Zooey Deschanel adorkable points.
Caleb
A LITTLE SOMETHING FOR THE LADIES
Not Looking at the camera isn’t just a girl’s game anymore! Of course, the male version isn’t so much whimsy and wonder as it is a serious way to say, Hey bro, way too busy to stop for pictures right now. For real dude, on a deadline. I gotta get this piece about repurposing Nespresso pods into editorial before they run with Jane’s piece about how cool it is to look up and to the right.
November 28, 2011 at 4:17 pm
You can dance, you can dance, everybody look at your pants!
November 29, 2011 at 4:45 pm
Lyrics to Slanty Glance by Men Without Taste
We can look where we want to/we can look off to the side/We can dress like a dork and listen to Björk/What could we be trying to hide?
November 29, 2011 at 7:32 pm
Win.
November 29, 2011 at 9:36 pm
I cant be the only person that wants to hear at least another verse of this…
November 29, 2011 at 9:59 pm
Well OK!
We can smile how we want to/haters are so immature/We can stare into space as our boyfriends play bass/ On our slightly-used cat furniture
December 1, 2011 at 11:35 am
We can glance where we want to/to the left or to the right/Just because we don’t use shampoo doesn’t mean we’re any different from you/ we can glance, we can glance, look up or to the side/ and if you can’t glance, if you can’t glance, just take a look at your pants
November 28, 2011 at 4:18 pm
Caleb looks worried.
He’s wondering if an octopus stole his moustache.
November 29, 2011 at 9:32 am
An octopus DID steal his moustache, and an owl ran away with his monocle.
November 29, 2011 at 9:27 am
I see less “cute and giggly” with Julie and more “I hope no one noticed that I just shit my pants”
Anyone else?
No?
November 29, 2011 at 11:25 am
More like “It wasn’t me it was the dog.”
November 29, 2011 at 5:29 pm
Well, looking up and to the left *is* supposed to be a sign of deception.
November 30, 2011 at 8:02 am
Unless you’re left handed, and then it’s to the right, maybe?
November 29, 2011 at 9:28 am
Oddly enough, they’re all battling chronic constipation from their high-fiber, low-protein diets. That or it’s just the giant stick they all have lodged up their ass.
November 29, 2011 at 9:31 am
Those things can be one and the same.
November 29, 2011 at 9:34 am
I imagine that, with the exception of Caleb, you are, in fact, correct.
November 29, 2011 at 9:32 am
OOOH! Self portrait of this pose, please! xD
November 29, 2011 at 7:01 pm
I like to imagine it’s a mustache on a stick up their ass.
November 29, 2011 at 9:29 am
It’s almost as if they ask them to give their best “looking away from the camera with a quirk” pose during the job interview . . .
November 29, 2011 at 3:45 pm
They are avoiding looking into the lens because it is like they are MEETING OUR EYES. We know that is the last thing they want to do!
November 29, 2011 at 9:30 am
Regretsy=Bringing new meaning to “Watch the birdie”
November 29, 2011 at 9:31 am
I’d love to see each of us post a self portrait practicing these difficult and intellectually stimulating poses. Then we can put it together in a book: “Never Regretsy The Faces Of Etsy”!
November 29, 2011 at 9:34 am
Gotta get out my O-Face! Ohh ohh oh!
November 29, 2011 at 9:41 am
I have so many pictures of me not looking at the camera, but they actually ARE the result of painful shyness. I am never smiling winsomely in any of them. Do I need to smile winsomely for your book?
November 29, 2011 at 5:31 pm
I’m usually just trying not to end up with that deer in the headlights, slightly demented look that Runaway Bride woman was sporting in all her photos a few years ago.
December 1, 2011 at 4:38 pm
That’s my excuse, except I look genuinely demented in photos if I look at the camera. Every year my mom would make me retake my school photos, and they would not be an improvement.
November 29, 2011 at 5:16 pm
Let me just glue some shoes to my head and I’ll be ready for my close up.
November 29, 2011 at 11:04 pm
Oh, Helen, we’ve GOT to make this our next book! Think about how much fun this would be. I know it’d be, like, a 3,000 page book but it’d be fun!
November 30, 2011 at 5:21 pm
Every so often I come up with a decent idea. We really should not let this one escape! Plus, the title is pure GOLD BABY!
xD
November 29, 2011 at 9:32 am
Every time I see Christine’s photo, I want to punch a hipster. Or rather, every time I see her photo, I want to punch a hipster TWICE.
November 29, 2011 at 9:33 am
Alison, does Debbie Gibson know you’ve been raiding her wardrobe?
November 29, 2011 at 11:04 pm
Yep, definitely a “Only in my Dreams” look…..
November 30, 2011 at 11:41 am
See, I was thinking Jenna Van Oy’s character from Blossom…
it upsets me horribly that I even know that.
November 29, 2011 at 9:33 am
Chappell looks terriffyingly familiar. I think I might have met her somewhere.
November 29, 2011 at 9:44 am
I think she sort of looks like Cate Blanchett.
November 29, 2011 at 10:03 am
Who?
November 29, 2011 at 11:50 am
I like you.
November 29, 2011 at 9:33 am
These are all post-duckface guilty expressions.
November 29, 2011 at 9:34 am
Chappell looks like the “Madam” of the Etsy brothel.
November 29, 2011 at 9:47 am
An “Etsy brothel” just makes the mind reel with the myriad possibilities for fuckery – both real and crafted.
“Hi there sexy, my name is Skki and I’m your hipster whore for the evening. Would you like me to show you Will & Kate’s favorite strap-on or would you prefer to be sodomized by a unique commemorative penis that I made in my artistic ability?”
November 29, 2011 at 9:48 am
Oh, and instead of red velvet wallpaper, it needs to be pink and glittery.
November 29, 2011 at 9:52 am
The velvet wall paper has mustache patterns on it.
And the sign that reads “Mustache Rides” turns out to be not what you or I know it to be.
November 29, 2011 at 12:53 pm
I can also shoot paint out of my asshole.
November 29, 2011 at 5:51 pm
If I pay you enough, will you draw a mustache above your asshole?
November 29, 2011 at 9:56 am
I was thinking Christine was the Madame… or at least the maid that cleans up after everyone.
November 29, 2011 at 2:02 pm
She has that “how did they get condoms inside the TV” look.
November 29, 2011 at 9:37 am
I loathe the “hand.under.chin.pose” – we get it…enough is enough.
November 29, 2011 at 9:49 am
I loathe it and I associate the ” hand under chin” pose with high school senior portraits.
Which explains why my senior portrait is of me scowling BUT I don’t have my hand under my chin smiling like a stroke patient.
November 30, 2011 at 7:50 pm
Chappell is doing what Awkward Family Photos calls the classic “arm shelf.” All she needs is a Lifetouch laser background and she’s good to go.
November 29, 2011 at 10:25 am
I loathe it as well. I like to imagine the fist belongs to someone else who is punching them in the chin, and that makes me feel a little better.
November 29, 2011 at 11:48 am
Give that Bitch an uppercut! Nummymuffincocobutter, I bet you do that old gag where you make someone look up your sleeve and then punch them with your fist! I know I do!
November 29, 2011 at 10:59 am
I’m guilty of a “hand under chin pose” in a wedding picture.
In my defense, I was playing with a chin hair when the picture was snapped. Now excuse me while I go find the Nair.
November 29, 2011 at 1:07 pm
Maybe Chapell is just thinking of seahorses. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ezsC0F9IWZA
November 29, 2011 at 9:38 am
After reading this, I rushed to scan my assortment of profile pictures and found two not-looking-at-camera ones. (The others are just the standard fat girl high angle shots.)
To be fair, portrait “up-and-left” involves an alcohol cocktail, so my eyes might be in the process of rolling up into my skull.
November 29, 2011 at 9:45 am
Put the camera on a timer and let it photograph you in different stages. You can go from staring bemusedly past the lens to legs-sticking-out-from-under-a-table. Whimsicle!
Admittedly it provides a slightly less titillating answer than the traditional ones to “What was I doing last night?” but that is a small price to pay for photographic perfection.
November 29, 2011 at 9:39 am
Thought balloons would be…
“I think my Glenn Close surgery is going well, don’t you?”
“Just don’t get it in my hair!”
“I don’t care if you get it in my hair – I just want to make you happy!”
“Hell with it, I’m going to use my lizard tongue to zap that fly off of the lens.”
“I’m way past doing just a line of coke.”
‘Now where the hell did that penis go?”
“Buy this magazine or we’ll shoot this dog!”
“Good Christ – why the fuck did I go to Bard?”
November 29, 2011 at 6:55 pm
Spy magazine reference, 50 points!
November 29, 2011 at 6:55 pm
-50 points for me mixing up Spy with National Lampoon! Derrrrrrp.
November 29, 2011 at 9:41 am
Someone with time on their hands please put this together Brady bunch style with Helen in the middle… pretty please!!!
November 29, 2011 at 10:16 am
Ten minute cludge.
Interesting point: Photobucket fails with an unknown error if the file type contains a banned word such as cunt, vagina, dick, penis. Etsy is a banned word. Love it.
November 29, 2011 at 10:43 am
ya beat me to it!
LOL
November 29, 2011 at 12:37 pm
Why does the one with the drawn-on mustache, spat on her saluting hand, hand and shoe strapped to her head seem the least self-absorbed out of all of them?
November 29, 2011 at 3:48 pm
Because…it’s true.
Or she’s drunk. Possibly both.
November 29, 2011 at 12:43 pm
I enjoy this because you’ve laid it out in a way so that their once retarded looking off at nothing is now retarded looking at sandal-headed, mustachioed Helen.
November 29, 2011 at 10:38 am
Here ya go:
November 29, 2011 at 10:38 am
I took some artistic liberties, LOL
November 29, 2011 at 10:44 am
And fashioned your artistic liberties via your artistic abilities. Bravo!
November 29, 2011 at 11:00 am
I’m speshul leik that
November 30, 2011 at 2:03 pm
Omg Danialle looks positively insane! Like a “I-wanna-kill-you-when-I-finish-this-gigantic-cup-of-coffee” kind a look….
November 29, 2011 at 11:55 am
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November 30, 2011 at 2:42 pm
April is the only one making eye contact.
Because she knows we can sense fear, and she fears nothing.
November 29, 2011 at 11:46 am
Thank you… I feel better now.
November 29, 2011 at 12:49 pm
I think it would have been more powerful with this as the center pic:
November 29, 2011 at 9:43 am
now I want the auto-assigned icons on this page to be adjusted so none of them look forward.
November 29, 2011 at 9:45 am
I see your quirky, happy, hemp-laden granola craftards and raise you a dull, unhappy emo staring with dead eyes out the window at the pointless world outside.
I don’t see enough emo representin’ etsy-ers in this post.
November 29, 2011 at 9:46 am
Good idea for next post!
November 29, 2011 at 10:02 am
What are the Emos staring at?
November 29, 2011 at 10:16 am
crap!! it worked in the preview~
April did the Emo/window thing.
http://www.regretsy.com/2011/05/07/weekendflashback-brideshead-regurgitated
November 29, 2011 at 10:17 am
I need a drink.
http://www.regretsy.com/2011/05/07/weekend-flashback-brideshead-regurgitated/
November 29, 2011 at 5:11 pm
November 29, 2011 at 9:46 am
Am I the only one who thinks Alison looks like the actress who played Chloe in the show 24???
November 29, 2011 at 3:18 pm
I was absolutely convinced that was her, and stared at her for about thirty seconds, convincing myself she was not.
November 29, 2011 at 9:47 am
Props to the sternocleidomastoid! Most awesome muscle ever. Well, after the heart. And a penis. And your rectal muscle, coz lord knows if you’ve got issues with that, you’ll end up shittin in the street.
November 29, 2011 at 9:50 am
WINNING AT HOMESPUN WISDOM.
November 29, 2011 at 9:58 am
too big for a sampler, but it’s tempting…
November 29, 2011 at 2:39 pm
+ all the muscles that prevent your rectum from prolapsing out of your anus.
Just sayin’.
November 29, 2011 at 9:57 pm
November 30, 2011 at 11:07 am
Holy fuck, I want one!
November 30, 2011 at 1:37 pm
You can have that one! I made it just for shits and giggles and got tired pretty quick, as you can see by how I totally gave up on the cursive
November 30, 2011 at 4:19 pm
I don’t care! One of the fat, jealous losers immortalized me with a sampler! Email me at jini@oatesco.com and we’ll discuss….
November 30, 2011 at 12:40 pm
When I saw this, I heard a whip-crack sound effect!
So, who’s getting this beauty for Christmas?
November 29, 2011 at 9:49 am
As annoying as that is, the FJL’s on the forum last week learned from frequent front pager Yokoo that sometimes looking AT the camera can actually be worse. *shudder*
http://www.etsy.com/shop/Yokoo
November 29, 2011 at 10:00 am
Looks like the pictures on the wall of a Chinese barber shop.
“which haircut style you want today?”
“You want Pete Rose? Three Stooges Moe? Pete Rose? Mao?
November 29, 2011 at 10:00 am
What is she holding in “Anticipation”? It makes me a little worried about what she’s anticipating.
November 29, 2011 at 10:02 am
Big scissors, it’s the only way she can cut the giant cowls off her little head.
November 29, 2011 at 10:19 am
Correct
http://www.etsy.com/listing/73455881/the-puffins-circle-scarf-in-youthful
November 29, 2011 at 10:54 am
Sweet Jesus that’s a big cowl. And those are the biggest kids’ safety scissors I’ve ever seen!
November 29, 2011 at 11:04 am
Agreed EA. And she’s sold like 2700 items over 4 years. These “handmade, made to order” items that each take 3 weeks to make. That means she would have to make like 2 six-foot long shawls a day, every day, with no day off. I’m guessing they MIGHT be handmade, but probably not by her.
http://www.dinodirect.com/scarf-wool-chunky-knit-women.html
November 29, 2011 at 10:04 am
Thus, Yokoo learned he must give up his dreams of posing for emoticons, as he only owned one expression- Dull, lifeless hipster.
November 29, 2011 at 10:54 am
SHE. Yes, I know, I had to go look on her profile, too.
November 29, 2011 at 11:20 am
Took a shot in the dark. :/
November 30, 2011 at 8:22 am
She looks like Daria.
November 29, 2011 at 10:38 am
Comment of the day imo.`
November 29, 2011 at 10:42 am
Oooh, oooh, oooh! A game! “These captions have been scrambled. Figure out which one goes to which picture.”
November 29, 2011 at 3:57 pm
Whoa! I know who surprise is! She used to work at Staples here in Atlanta at the copy center desk and when she left a worker told me she quit to make “python scarves” which she was selling like crazy on Etsy! She never cracked a smile at Staples either. But then there’s not much to smile about when you are behind the counter there.
November 29, 2011 at 7:46 pm
And I really tried to engage the bitch with witty banter and stuff,
November 30, 2011 at 8:17 pm
Something tells me this Staples was near Little Five Points.
November 29, 2011 at 9:50 am
I got all those whimsicle fuckery Brooklyn hipster doofus etsy admin assholes all beat. I took my profile pic when I was slam-bastedly drunk!
November 29, 2011 at 9:52 am
“Lincoln” seems to have the fashion blogger pose down pat.
November 29, 2011 at 11:53 am
With “Lincoln” her photo brings two thoughts to mind. “What the Hell did I step in?!?” or “Is my sea sponge tampon leaking?”
November 30, 2011 at 8:06 am
A) That would make a great name for a band. Something like: “Clark Jones and the Sea Sponge Tampons”
B) That sounds horrible and scrapey.
November 29, 2011 at 9:55 am
Christine looks a bit like she is trying to figure out how to unjam the poptart from the toaster.
November 29, 2011 at 9:55 am
Chappell looks like she went to “Glamour Shots by Deb”.. Your mom went to college.
November 29, 2011 at 9:57 am
After reading “A parakeet mirror and bell”, I couldn’t stop laughing and couldn’t read the rest through the tears…I think I’ve calmed enough now…
….NOPE!!!
A parakeet mirror and bell!!!!
November 29, 2011 at 9:59 am
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
November 29, 2011 at 2:17 pm
My Father In Law has Asperger’s. There is no way to make it adorable and chic. It’s a massive pain in the ass, for everyone, including the victim. His interactions with my kids are trying, at best. Just not a topic that I find very funny but hey, I am willing to learn. : )
November 29, 2011 at 10:05 am
Alison always looks a little crazy to me, like a cracked out humanized muppet.
November 29, 2011 at 10:22 am
I think she’s a cutie. Not that cute can’t be crazy.
She’s also the only one who refused to look the wrong wrong way for the Brady Bunch shot. So rather than gazing adoringly at HK, she’s gazing adoringly at Chappelle. Office drama!
November 29, 2011 at 10:37 am
Alison scares me every time I see her picture. I’m sure she’s just wonderful, but her facial expression reminds me of Oogie Boogie from Nightmare Before Christmas, and he used to give me nightmares.
November 30, 2011 at 2:27 am
I >HATEHATE< Christine's pic!
I don't know and I don't care if they're great persons(*) in real live, I want to punch them for being so idiotic!
When you have enough power to persuade people that ugly and stupid and dork is the new cool and that they should stop hunting smart looks and artistic beauty, and when you do use that power, you deserve to be slapped.
(*) I don't believe it, as well.
November 30, 2011 at 2:28 am
Apologies, bad html. The first sentence should have been “I HATE her pic and I HATE Christine’s pic!”
November 30, 2011 at 8:21 pm
I think she would look better if she wasn’t wearing a hat that looked like someone shit a pancake on her head.
November 29, 2011 at 10:08 am
Clearly they’re not putting the right thing on their head.
Probably one of the best photos ever taken of me, I have a rat on my head. It is hard not to look winsome when you have a rat sticking his tongue in your ear. it tickles!
It was on the front page of the local paper. Of course the front page of the paper usually has gripping stories like “police still searching for missing logs”, so that explains a lot.
November 30, 2011 at 2:28 am
Does your newspaper also print photos of dogs standing on top of snowy woodpiles*, like the one in my hometown in Minnesota? Well, your newspaper must be REALLY fancy, then!
*And horrible headlines like “Rape: a mounting problem”. I crap you in the negatory!
November 30, 2011 at 11:05 pm
sounds about right, but with slightly less cringeworthy headlines. and generally ridiculously liberal. The state congresscritter announced he was gay. It ended up on page 8 with basically a “eh, we ere out of stories about woodchippers” kind of slant.
though we did HAVE someone use woodchipper to dispose of a body. chipped it off the bridge into a river.
so when we go for the crazy, its WAY crazy.
November 29, 2011 at 10:16 am
I realize that I shouldn’t get so worked up over people I don’t know…but I WANT TO PUNCH ALISON’S FACE and then stomp on her hat.
November 29, 2011 at 12:01 pm
“Ironically,” I’m sure.
November 30, 2011 at 2:30 am
No. Ignore the hat, don’t stomp on it. Don’t come into touch with it, even through several layers of clothing – there are not enough layers of clothing. You might get infected yourself.
November 29, 2011 at 10:20 am
Chappell’s photo reminds me of the scene from Napoleon Dynamite where Deb is coaching Uncle Rico through his glamour shots: http://youtu.be/ezsC0F9IWZA
November 29, 2011 at 10:22 am
Christine looks like she is watching the cat take a dump on the carpet.
November 29, 2011 at 10:30 am
You’re right! I can almost see her muttering “Goddamn cat” under her breath.
November 29, 2011 at 11:08 am
OMG that’s perfect. That’s exactly the look. Thank you.
November 29, 2011 at 12:00 pm
I’d take a dump on her carpet if she looked at me that way.
November 29, 2011 at 10:26 am
I totally do the “looking off in the distance through an unseen window” for far too many of my 365-self-portraits.
I want to punch myself in the face now.
November 29, 2011 at 10:36 am
Go forth and punch yourself, my child
November 29, 2011 at 10:51 am
Ow!
Dammit!
November 29, 2011 at 12:02 pm
I’m gonna channel your older brother and remind you to stop hittin’ yourself, stop hittin’ yourself, stop hittin’ yourself.
November 29, 2011 at 7:24 pm
When did you meet my older brother?!
Also, he was more fond of sitting on my chest, pinning my arms down with his legs, his knees on my shoulders and then letting that long string of drool out of his mouth… and just before it hit my screaming, terrified face, he’d suck it back up and do it all over again.
My mother would holler out: “Stop pretending to spit on your sister!”
It was that point he’d let it hit me, and then punch me in the stomach as he got up and ran out of the room.
November 29, 2011 at 12:02 pm
Go ahead, we’ll wait….
November 29, 2011 at 10:27 am
This post comes directly on the heels of me editing a bunch of photos I took of some hand-drawn necklaces for my shop. I cropped my face out of every single shot.
November 29, 2011 at 10:35 am
I say “corn fed mid-west gal” should be added the Sailor Trouble manual!
November 29, 2011 at 12:03 pm
It almost sounds too dirty to be real.
November 29, 2011 at 6:10 pm
November 30, 2011 at 8:19 am
Oh. My. God.
I can’t believe no one commented on the shape of that thing and its position. Looking at the posture, clothing, and facial expression of the person on the right, I just– Oh dear; I can’t put it into words.
Of course, her rakish hat and cute foot pointed just so adds a certain extra touch.
November 29, 2011 at 10:36 am
Maybe they all have lazy eye. I do and I look derptastic when I try to look directly at the camera.
November 29, 2011 at 10:37 am
Man, April, you really fooled me with these descriptions; I thought they were official.
November 29, 2011 at 10:45 am
And YOU have confused ME. You’re “formerly milkshakesthecat”? What are you now?
November 29, 2011 at 12:04 pm
I’d make a Prince joke, but it’s been done.
November 29, 2011 at 1:32 pm
Way back when, I was just “milkshakesthecat”. Long story short, I locked myself out of my account and made a new one. I wanted to let people know who I was. Wa-la~
November 30, 2011 at 9:53 am
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November 30, 2011 at 2:19 pm
It thought it pronounced like Wallah, wich means “With Allah” in arabic…. In Denmark people form turkey often use it as a gangster way of saying “what up”….
November 29, 2011 at 10:38 am
Please, you guys! Christine is obviously suffering from
Bell’s Palsy. This is not a fun ailment, although you do get to take prednisone to cure it, and prednisone is a great feel-good drug. (You don’t get high, but the joints start working better, all those little aches and pains go away, you breathe easier, and in short feel as you did in your twenties.)
I’d do a fake flounce here, but I’m new and I don’t know the etiquette yet. (Although now I wonder whether Etsy sells Fake Flounces.)
November 30, 2011 at 2:33 am
Could you tell by the glasses?
November 30, 2011 at 2:58 pm
Hipster caretrolling with irony.
It could catch on.
November 29, 2011 at 10:54 am
I did that “look up and away” thing in the best shots from all my wedding pictures. I ended up having to photoshop my eyes in every shot so I didn’t end up looking like a zombie bride trying to nom on my fresh husband.
Awesome!
November 29, 2011 at 10:57 am
So check out what’s on Etsy’s front page right now – taking it another step further into interspecies territory.
November 29, 2011 at 11:04 am
Oh no, not the dog!!
November 29, 2011 at 12:07 pm
Hey, don’t miss Christine Fail, there. Her real name. She has that far away, “ate a poisoned lizard” look. Bless her heart. Her quote is some really profound advice, too. I’ll try to remember that.
November 29, 2011 at 1:55 pm
I kinda feel sorry for her. How many people can’t learn to do five things well?
November 29, 2011 at 2:17 pm
She looks like she’s trying to fish something from between her teeth with her tongue.
November 29, 2011 at 3:41 pm
Wait, I need to explain the poisoned lizard thing. Cat owners might know what I’m talking about. When we lived in Florida, there was a rumor that one of the little gecko lizard varieties that ran around was poisonous to animals that ate it. Then we saw photos of cats that ate one, and their head developed a permanent tilt due to nerve damage. Cats were frequent victims of this because they are outside eating that sorta thing. So that’s what I’m referencing with her. Lizard nerve damage. I like the comment of feeling sorry for her that she can’t learn to do 5 things well. Again, I blame lizard nerve damage!
November 29, 2011 at 12:05 pm
Is “Puppy Chic” a thing now?
Can it be?
November 29, 2011 at 1:56 pm
Hey, it’s better than puppy shit.
November 29, 2011 at 2:17 pm
Maybe that’s what Lincoln stepped in.
November 29, 2011 at 3:15 pm
The use of “Behold!” here annoys me. It annoys me until there is murder in my brain.
Well, that’s an overstatement. But so is “Behold!” and not in a good way. Behold! You’re a twee craft bastard!
November 29, 2011 at 11:13 am
Everyone is looking at odd places because Chad glued their paychecks where they are looking. That scamp!
November 29, 2011 at 11:24 am
I can only smile with half of my face. It’s a serious problem.
November 29, 2011 at 12:06 pm
1. Take photo
2. Mirror photo
3. Profit!
November 29, 2011 at 11:29 am
Seriously one of my favorite Regretsy posts of all time. I especially like your use of the word “corn-fed”.
November 29, 2011 at 11:32 am
Okay, okay, so I’m an engineering student currently getting assraped by an anatomy class and I was SO HAPPY when I knew exactly what you meant by sternocleidomastoid. Like, you have no idea.
November 29, 2011 at 1:57 pm
Nerdgasm?
November 30, 2011 at 9:46 am
is your anatomy class really forcibly sodomizing you
November 29, 2011 at 11:33 am
Is it just me, or does Jane have lipstick on her teeth?
November 29, 2011 at 12:07 pm
Or does she have teeth on her lipstick?
November 29, 2011 at 6:17 pm
November 29, 2011 at 11:33 am
In the interest of total disclosure – I actually love pygmy goats and would be heartbroken if they went extinct, especially if it happened before I get to own one.
In other news, fuck the hipsters.
November 29, 2011 at 11:36 am
I don’t know if this has been pointed out yet because quite frankly I’m too damn lazy to read all the comments (plus too much snark on an empty stomach is not a good idea), but does anyone else find that Caleb resembles Jake Gyllenhaal in Jarhead?
November 29, 2011 at 11:39 am
November 29, 2011 at 1:04 pm
Douchè
November 29, 2011 at 11:40 am
I wanted to read this post, but it wasn’t up and to the left so I couldn’t see it.
November 29, 2011 at 11:53 am
As the not so proud owner of one, I can tell you they post this way to hide a real or imagined double chin.
November 29, 2011 at 12:10 pm
Maybe it’s just my upbringing, but when a see a bald man wearing dark glasses alone in a park, it strikes me as less suave man-about-town and more serial child molester.
November 29, 2011 at 12:50 pm
hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha Christine is my fav. I just peed my Liederhosen.
November 29, 2011 at 12:51 pm
I reallyyyy hope this produces some amazing flouncing!
November 29, 2011 at 1:18 pm
In Chappell’s picture, it almost looks like a fist is coming out of her chest and punching her right in the jaw.
November 29, 2011 at 1:44 pm
This is kind of off-topic, but I was at the mall the other night, and I saw a girl wearing those glasses with the mustache hanging from them. She was wearing shorts, a tank top, two scarves, and a baseball cap as well. I didn’t see what she had on her feet. I was too busy checking to see if I had my camera, and I missed it. A real hipster in its natural habitat!
. . . I’m in Utah. We don’t actually see many hipsters around here. We’re still stuck on Avril Lavigne punk, chunky highlights, and Bumpits.
November 29, 2011 at 3:17 pm
I’m in Idaho, where the Bumpits run wild across the valleys.
November 29, 2011 at 4:51 pm
I always see that as Bum Pits.
November 29, 2011 at 5:48 pm
I read that as Bum Pits, too, and couldn’t decide if it was in reference to hair or odor. I’ll just be rebooting my brain, if anyone needs me.
November 30, 2011 at 12:42 pm
That’s how lots of people see Idaho, but we’re cool with it.
November 29, 2011 at 6:01 pm
I beg to differ. I’m from Utah and grew up with plenty of hipsters. Granted, they were emo-punk with neon highlights at one point. One of my best friends actually turned into one. I love her all the same, but give her shit for it constantly, mainly because she refuses to drink anything besides Pabst.
… you know what? That hipster may have been her. She has glasses JUST like that. Oh god. Are you in the Salt Lake area?
November 29, 2011 at 8:50 pm
I’m in Provo. And this girl was about 16, so I doubt she drinks much Pabst yet.
November 30, 2011 at 8:10 am
Don’t be sure. I’m betting if she dresses like that, she’s not necessarily a stranger to underage inebriation.
November 30, 2011 at 4:27 pm
I did say “much”. I also haven’t noticed much Pabst around here. Mostly it’s Bud or Coors.
November 30, 2011 at 12:43 pm
Ain’t no hipster like a Provo mall hipster.
November 30, 2011 at 2:54 pm
I don’t understand why hipsters drink Pabst Blue Ribbon.
I drink PBR because it’s cheap, widely available (I’m from Wisconsin), and I think it tastes good. I hope that doesn’t make me a hipster.
November 30, 2011 at 8:28 pm
if you do something “ironically” and not because you “enjoy it” then you, my friend, are not a hipster. Drink on!
November 30, 2011 at 8:30 pm
whoops, that should have said…”if you DO NOT do things “ironically” instead of because you “enjoy” them then you, my friend, are not a hipster. Drink on!”
November 29, 2011 at 1:48 pm
Julie looks like she finally got the batteries in her vibrator to work. You just can’t fake that kind of smile.
November 29, 2011 at 2:20 pm
My sister just got a new kitten. When you move your finger over its head, it does something exactly like Julie and Corn-Fed Jane up there. Meanwhile, the older cats watch the kitten with an expression that rivals Christine.
That’s the problem, hipsters. You may be as ironic as you can be, but YOU STILL AREN’T CATS.
November 29, 2011 at 2:41 pm
November 29, 2011 at 9:09 pm
Best. Ever.
November 29, 2011 at 2:55 pm
http://a8.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc6/200694_10150437267340360_285066400359_17638022_2422183_n.jpg?dl=1
November 29, 2011 at 3:19 pm
I like to think that Lincoln is desperately trying hard to grow a penis and is just checking to see if she pushed hard enough for one to shoot out.
November 29, 2011 at 3:59 pm
I literally laughed at loud at the descriptions of 4 of these people. Thank you! I work in the public schools, and I thought I was dead inside. Helen Killer’s snark has once again brought (at least the meanest part of) me back to life.
November 29, 2011 at 4:54 pm
Alison the GooberFace– I Love It
November 29, 2011 at 5:24 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
November 29, 2011 at 5:48 pm
Oh please. We haven’t even begun to reach a new low. This is the everyday low. I’m saving the new low for 2012.
Also if you can just give me a list of who we can make fun of, it would really help me out. So far I have:
People who sell on Etsy = Yes
People who work at Etsy = No
I’d also like to make fun of what a hypocritical gasbag you are, but I don’t know where you work.
GET BACK TO ME
November 29, 2011 at 5:59 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
November 29, 2011 at 9:24 pm
If making making fun of people who lack the ability to look into a camera isn’t worth a post, then what is? Should we also not make fun of duckface and people with orange skin? Why you gotta kill my buzz, sheila?
As to what makes you a hypocrite: You come to Regretsy, a site whose raison d’etre is making fun of the stupid shit people put on the internet, but when HK makes fun of the things on the internet you cry “foul.” Does that help?
DON”T BE A BITCH, NANCE
November 30, 2011 at 9:15 am
I just couldn’t ignore the slightly sick feeling I got from reading this post. I actually felt bad for these people. As a regular Regretsy visitor for over 3 years, I have really enjoyed HK’s snark.
In my opinion, the people who try and sell cat hair dolls or fairy dildos (btw, let me know if you know where I can get one of those) NEED to be taken down a notch and brought down to Earth with the rest of us. Its better for them in the long run. But this just seems nit-picky and mean. Not because they work for Etsy, but because they really aren’t doing anything that snarkworthy other than take pseudo-wistful pictures of themselves.
And Etsy is a shitty business – no doubt about that. They shut down consumer free speech* and knowingly turn a blind eye to re-sellers. I always appreciate it when HK calls attention to this – it is then that Regretsy goes from being a sideshow to a potentially influential forum.
*This comment will be invisible in about, 10 hours?
November 30, 2011 at 2:29 pm
It’s snark-worthy because it’s yet another example of how the folks over at Etsy are much too full of themselves. This whole pseudo-artsy affect that they’re putting on has set the tone for sellers. It’s like the $40 plastic glittered penguins on the front page – SAME thing, because it’s trying to pass off something ordinary as somehow worthy of ooohs and ahhhs just because they put it there.
It doesn’t matter whether the blame lies with the people in the pictures, the people who took the pictures, or the people who POSTED the pictures. It’s the Etsy image and attitude that are being critiqued here, and it’s richly deserved.
And I say this as someone who actually LIKES Etsy.
November 30, 2011 at 4:15 am
To be completely honest, I’ve noticed most hipsters are past the age where they “grow out of it”.
November 30, 2011 at 4:43 am
“I just thought it would be nice to hear more genuine wit from you about the actual ridiculous items on Etsy”
Since when has this site been limited to that? Ridiculousness of ALL kinds on Etsy has always been up for scrutiny here. Hell, it’s not even limited to Etsy.
I mean, tell me you didn’t find the whole Rumpology fiasco amusing as hell. And if you somehow DIDN’T, then this definitely isn’t the site for you.
November 30, 2011 at 3:10 pm
“I am just wondering, what about my comments makes me a hypocritical gasbag though?”
By your own admission you’ve been coming here and laughing for a long time. Three years in fact, which is a year longer than this site has been around. So I appreciate your patience.
The question is, what do you think you’ve been laughing at?
I don’t just make fun of objects on Etsy, I mock the whole culture. And I mock the ways people attempt to sell you their bullshit, or as you put it, “play into the fantasy.”
So really, this is the same shit you’ve always laughed at. But I’m reaching a new low by posting it, and you think you’re taking the moral high ground because you don’t like it.
Hope that helps.
November 30, 2011 at 3:31 pm
Isn’t that the height of hipsterism? Not just liking Regretsy before it was cool, but before it EVEN EXISTED.
December 1, 2011 at 10:49 am
Hey, I liked Regretsy all the way back in 1979. If you’re a hardcore Regretsian, you don’t let a little thing like the nonexistence of the World Wide Web put you off.
November 29, 2011 at 9:32 pm
this is actually one of my favourite ever posts. Probably in the top 10
November 29, 2011 at 7:11 pm
November 29, 2011 at 8:36 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
November 29, 2011 at 10:38 pm
November 30, 2011 at 1:47 am
This isn’t “harsh ridicule”. It’s a joke. If I were one of these “kids” (most of whom look pretty old to me), I’d think this post were pretty funny. “Oh, yeah, I remember when Etsy made me take that stupid picture where I had to make a dorky face and look up at the ceiling fan, lol.” They can probably take a little ribbing especially since it wasn’t likely even their idea in the first place. If you want to make fun of my driver’s licence photo I’ll chime in with you. This isn’t hazing or harassment, it’s observational humor supplied courtesy Etsy’s desire to seem quirky rather than professional.
The pictures are systemically weird, and the post is really funny. If someone’s feelings are hurt, then they probably shouldn’t be working for Etsy. Keep in mind these “kids” aren’t exactly innocent bystanders either; they’re the ones who shut down all useful feedback, criticism, complaints of resellers, etc. They already have thicker skins than you.
November 30, 2011 at 2:41 am
These people’s job could have been promoting handmade goods, but what they do instead is promoting idiocy and “uncool is the new cool”. When you try to assure 20yo girls that acting like a nun in her 80s is ok, then you are in for trouble.
(Btw, another one of these articles, oh yeah. In case you are so inclined, I left my comment as TouchTheMoon.)
http://www.etsy.com/blog/en/2011/are-you-really-my-friend/?ref=fp_blog_title
November 30, 2011 at 3:30 pm
There is no comment by “TouchTheMoon”. Additionally, I read through dozens of only positive comments and only one negative before getting to one that said “I’m not sure why people posted negative comments above- I don’t think this project was a waste of time at all-”
November 30, 2011 at 3:33 pm
It was there earlier – must have been removed.
November 30, 2011 at 9:02 pm
I wonder how many were…
December 1, 2011 at 1:09 am
Aaah, so great. I wonder if anyone else had also commented on the first pic and child pornography.
December 1, 2011 at 6:34 am
That’s not a child, it’s a hand puppet! :O
November 30, 2011 at 10:52 pm
These “kids” are in charge of a company that is looking at close to 375 million dollars in sales this year – of which they keep 3.5%. It’s nauseating to see them fronting the hipster parade – to hide the Chinese resellers.
http://www.etsy.com/blog/news/2011/etsy-celebrates-highest-day-of-sales-in-history/
“…Etsy provides an alternate vision of commerce, one where people matter most…”
November 29, 2011 at 6:50 pm
Popcorn, anyone? Tequila’s on me.
I can’t remember if it’s bad manners to post in the middle of a maybe flounce thing. I know I left my manners somewhere. Prolly not here. My money’s on Helen.
November 29, 2011 at 9:20 pm
This could not have come at a better time. I just finished a hideous anatomy and physiology lab practical in which I did have to identify the sternocleidomastoid. I showered my Apple with OJ upon reading Chappell’s description. (This also forced me to finally de-lurk.)
November 29, 2011 at 11:08 pm
If there’s not going to be a flounce, I’m going to bed.
November 30, 2011 at 12:21 am
Wow. Chappell must have used high-speed photography to capture the exact moment that rogue fist struck her jaw!
I cannot help but imagine there must be something horribly wrong with Danielle’s face for her to think a picture of a cup qualifies as a (I’m so sorry for this) mug shot. What’s she hiding? Missing nose? Cold sore outbreak? Frieda Kahlo quality mustache…?
You know, these images oddly remind me of how paintings in the medieval period were not considered pornographic unless the figure was looking at you. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for stupid.
November 30, 2011 at 4:12 am
Alison’s head is perfectly spherical.
November 30, 2011 at 4:57 am
Please ladies and gentlemen, show a little compassion; if there’s one thing these tragic photos demonstrate it’s that despite the many advances made in psychiatric medicine we still have no effective treatments for Whimsical Personality Disorder, Delusions of Tweeness or Obsessive Compulsive Handicraft Disorder.
November 30, 2011 at 1:26 pm
Pft, I could beat the Whimsicle Personality Disorder outta my kids just fine.
November 30, 2011 at 4:35 pm
Hmm, I could see how that might work if the little darlings start showing symptoms while they’re still small and vulnerable, but if they seem perfectly rational until adolescence has kicked in and they’re taller, stronger and more hormonally charged than you are I imagine it might be a bit trickier.
November 30, 2011 at 2:03 pm
If the camera had caught the entire pose, I would guess that are also standing with one foot pointed coltishly inward, like they are so awkward in these situations that their inner child got embarrassed and started to dig a hole with the big toe. I hate that stance.
November 30, 2011 at 11:49 pm
Quite honestly looking at the camera makes you look like you’ve got a double chin, i will only allow a picture to be taken of me if the photographer is leaning out of a first floor window and I’m looking up!
December 1, 2011 at 4:35 pm
I like to look up and outward toward my bright future and limitless potential but only while driving. It was a bright bright sunshiney day recently so I opened my sunroof. It was just this comely pose which attracted the attentions of a passing semi truck driver named Lemuel. He was on his way back to Portsmouth after off loading a ton of Nyquil the night time sneezing sniffling medicine and had an inclination to stretch his legs out behind the truck stop. Once he determined that I was not having a seizure petit mal or otherwise, We discussed many topics. Lem wants to be his own boss and is currently taking internet courses but was stalled due to a lack of funding until he turns 57 and he inherits his trust fund. his cruel stepfather him suffer and work these temporary jobs and wait all these years but he will soon inherit many millions and quickly pay me back the hundred thousand his courses cost. Learning interior decorating online requires you to buy new furniture. So there.
January 31, 2012 at 6:09 pm
Apart from being horribly late for the party:
Is the “liederhosen” thing one of those Regretsy in-jokes I have yet to discover?
If not, would it be educational or arsey to point out it’s spelled “Lederhosen”? “Liederhosen” translates to “song pants” … to be fair, her panties bursting out in song would be a convincing reason for an ogle …
If yes, just forget I said anything.