Cease and Desist!
From: Chris Kennedy
Subject: Cease & Desist!
Date: November 25, 2011 7:51:56 PM PST
To: Helen@regretsy.com
To whom it may concern or Helen I should say,
It’s me Chris Kennedy. Last month on October 13, 2011 you and your little friend Michelle posted one of my items on your site without my permission which not only mocked it to harassment, but you two and a few of your fellow troublemaking neaderthal (sic) derilict (sic) users posted rude, defamatory, insulting comments and you stalked me and my history on the internet browsing through the sites that I gone to and am a regular of such as my Videofitness.com site and lastly hijacked my youtube video and profile.
I ask you very nicely and sternly to take down this post with my item and me and my videos and information in it.
I have since taken down one of those said items because I decided to keep it for myself as it turned out to be that I fit into it now plus I quite like it, but, my other item will remain on Etsy. Please don’t post any of my items on your Regretsy site anymore and don’t try to post my videos on your site also. Streaming has been disabled for them.
Thank you very much. Have a nice day! 
- CK
Dear Chris, or should I say Chris,
It’s me, Helen Killer. Thank you for being nice. Stern, but nice. I appreciate it, as do my fellow neanderthal derelicts.
You make a number of points in your email, none of which are particularly interesting. But I’m holed up in a hotel in Amsterdam and just flushed the last of the pot down the toilet, so I have no other entertainment available.
First, I must correct you about Michelle. She is actually just a reader who submitted your Etsy listing to me. I have no idea if she’s little, but she isn’t my friend. If you read the site with any regularity, you know I have no friends.
Second, browsing sites you visit is not stalking. Commenting on videos you have publicly posted on YouTube and have enabled for commenting is not hijacking. In fact, seeing as you make instructional videos, you are clearly intending to reach a new audience. And you have. Maybe not the one you hoped for, but let’s not split hairs.
Third, no one needs permission to comment on your smelly, used, ladies jazzercise outfits. You’re trying to sell these horrible, sweat-stained leotards to the public, and you’ve chosen to do so by putting them on over a pair of control tops and modeling them yourself. I don’t just have the right to make fun of you, I consider it my duty.
And finally:
I enjoy a baseless legal threat as much as the next person, but please try to integrate with your other personalities before hiring an attorney. The two of you really need to be on the same page or you’re just going to be objecting to each other’s motions all day, and we’ll never get this thing off the ground.
Have a nice day!
- HK
November 28, 2011 at 3:40 pm
Chris. Dude. There are a hundred thousand women here who, at least after the vodka clouds their judgement… they’re fucking funny, man. They’re smart. (Before the vodka? I have no idea; I’m not brave enough to talk to them when they’re sober.)
… and they’re going to tear you into little, tiny, doily-shaped pieces for being a toolbox.
November 28, 2011 at 3:53 pm
Plus, some of us ladies are, at least theoretically, OK with guys who like control-top pantyhose – so he’s really missing out on a large potential dating pool.
November 28, 2011 at 5:21 pm
For serious. Hottest guy I ever lusted for had his own frilly white wedding dress.
November 28, 2011 at 6:47 pm
Or, at least “cheating” pool. Who doesn’t want to be some married lady’s “tool” boy?
November 28, 2011 at 5:09 pm
“I don’t just have the right to make fun of you, I consider it my duty.”
My new, fuckin’ mantra.
November 28, 2011 at 7:07 pm
THAT is a “Call of Duty” game that I’d like to play.
November 28, 2011 at 9:21 pm
That is a “Call of Duty” game I could have a chance at winning.
November 28, 2011 at 7:55 pm
Fuck a sampler, I need this emblazoned across the back of a t-shirt.
November 28, 2011 at 8:06 pm
One of the greatest lines of all time. I think I need to make it into a beaded tapestry…
November 28, 2011 at 6:05 pm
Holy shit, man, you had me at the correct use of a semicolon. Never fear; a man who knows a good dependent clause when he sees one has nothing to fear from the Regretsy team, drunk or sober.
November 28, 2011 at 6:45 pm
I’m too tired to come up with clever things to say “this post made my freaking day”. So, there.
November 28, 2011 at 7:49 pm
> I know that there are a few of you that are joking and
> poking fun at me, which deep down inside, I know you
> are.”
No, no. You’re wrong. There are MANY, MANY of us, and it’s all right on the surface.
As for the doily: This whackjob is merely a wet spot on MY doily.
AND IT’S GIN!
November 29, 2011 at 9:58 am
I’ve read that sentence 10 times and it still doesn’t make sense. Deep down inside we are him? A few of us are joking? A few of us are him deep down inside?
I will give props for use of the semicolon. And the balls (I think) to put on those crazy-ass aerobics outfits and smile at the world. Respect.
November 30, 2011 at 2:44 pm
Nah, Back Maskingtape used the semicolon. But I’ll give this guy props for creative grammar.
November 30, 2011 at 8:01 pm
This is one of the reasons I don’t leave the house I know there are people like this outside and they always seem to be the one in back of me in line at McDonalds
November 28, 2011 at 3:43 pm
Oh, sweet, misspelled, inaccurate butthurt.
Oh how I love you.
You have just made yourself look ten thousand times more ridiculous than you did before hand. Which, I’ll grant you, is a pretty impressive achievement.
I have a stomach bug right now, and I’m pretty sure the rusty water coming out my arse earlier tonight was more attractive then those outfits you’re trying to sell.
November 28, 2011 at 3:44 pm
Crease and delist!
November 28, 2011 at 3:46 pm
I’m trying desperately to make a “crease and desist” joke about the thong, but it’s just not happening.
November 28, 2011 at 4:28 pm
Neither is the thong.
November 28, 2011 at 6:46 pm
Needs a good layer.
November 28, 2011 at 9:43 pm
Needs MANY more layers.
November 29, 2011 at 6:51 am
That bikini is just not right, it’s not centered! XD It’s like a stuffed sausage with a bikini on it. Oh the schizophrenic butthurt..
November 28, 2011 at 9:44 pm
Crease and Resist, phone call for you!
November 28, 2011 at 3:45 pm
Folks around here can smell failed damage control like blood in the water. It’s going to be fun reading what everyone makes of this guy.
November 28, 2011 at 3:49 pm
Wanna place bets on how long till he makes an account and starts arguing with people in the comments?
November 28, 2011 at 3:50 pm
I’m almost sad I’ll have to go to sleep and miss it.
November 28, 2011 at 7:15 pm
Sleep is for the weak.
November 28, 2011 at 9:49 pm
He has one; those last two comments are from the original post. Nothing new yet, a day later…hmm.
November 30, 2011 at 4:46 pm
I just want to make something FOR this guy…that covers a hell of a lot more than that abomination he’s wearing.
Btw, Chris, the 80′s called and asked for that, uh, whatever the hell that is back. But then the 80′s found out how close it was to your nutsack…yeah, even with drawers and hose underneath, the 80′s reconsidered. The 80′s will gladly pay you to keep it.
November 28, 2011 at 3:45 pm
Chris, you either hate the attention or love, pick one mate.
November 28, 2011 at 9:23 pm
Seriously… the art of the thank you note is obviously dead.
November 28, 2011 at 3:47 pm
He sure knows how to stretch the truth…like an old pair of pantyhose.
YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH
November 28, 2011 at 3:48 pm
that made me chortle.
November 28, 2011 at 3:48 pm
As if photos of that guy weren’t nightmarish enough the first go around.
Dude.
You’re pudgy an wearing a woman’s leotard, the internet was invented to mock you.
November 28, 2011 at 4:03 pm
Not just a leotard. A thong. A thong.
November 28, 2011 at 5:51 pm
Would you thing me a thong?
November 28, 2011 at 7:16 pm
Thing. Thing a thong. Make it thimple. To latht your whole life long!
November 28, 2011 at 7:32 pm
Don’t worry that iths not good enough
For anyone else to sthee
Just thing.
Thing a thong!
November 28, 2011 at 7:32 pm
Thongs My Mother Bought Me – The little-known Dvorak song-cycle.
November 28, 2011 at 8:52 pm
“thiiing a thhhooong…”
*splutters*
I think I need an umbrella.
November 29, 2011 at 4:22 am
This song has a chorus of children. Thank you for that visual.
November 29, 2011 at 6:15 am
Thing a thong of thixpenth!
November 29, 2011 at 10:04 am
A pocket full of WHY?
November 30, 2011 at 8:35 am
A thong th- thong thong thooooooooong . . .
What, I’m the only one who remembers that song? Slinks away hurriedly, wondering what the fuck ‘she had dumps like a truck truck truck’ was ever supposed to mean. Ah, Sisqo. N-n-never h-heard f-from again again again.
November 28, 2011 at 4:39 pm
If I posted a pic of myself dressed like this guy somewhere on the Internet, and my friends and family and random people DIDN’T openly mock the ever-living-fuck out of me, I would know that. . .
A. I have no real friends.
B. My family hates me.
C. I have on more faith in humanity.
November 28, 2011 at 3:49 pm
This is the shiniest butt hurt I’ve ever seen.
November 28, 2011 at 5:08 pm
On the shiniest control top butt!!!
November 29, 2011 at 2:29 pm
stretched like that it sure is shiney and kinda shimmery..
I cant believe he says he’s keeping it cause “it fits”.
November 28, 2011 at 5:23 pm
If it makes his butt hurt, he needs to go up a size. Control top hose should squeeze but not hurt!
November 29, 2011 at 10:01 am
I’ve seen shinier… but not shimmerier!
November 28, 2011 at 3:50 pm
Aw. I actually thought we were pretty nice to him, considering…
November 28, 2011 at 10:49 pm
I know! Most of us are actually not at all opposed to the concept of men dressing in ladies’ clothing. I mean, we get the jerks who go MAN HANDS every time we get a lady who doesn’t look modelicious, but I think the enthusiasm with which we downvote them confirms they’re not the majority opinion.
November 29, 2011 at 2:39 pm
I got no problem with men dressing up as ladies. It makes me grin.
but that thong part still doesn’t fit properly and not nearly as well as the top.
November 28, 2011 at 3:51 pm
Is he being arrested in that second picture?
November 28, 2011 at 3:51 pm
The fashion police caught up to him.
November 28, 2011 at 4:29 pm
Ready for a pat down?
November 28, 2011 at 7:23 pm
No need. You can see all the way to Chattanooga from way over here.
November 29, 2011 at 9:28 pm
thwank goodneth i made that wrong turn at Albuquerque.
/Bugth Bunny
November 28, 2011 at 5:09 pm
I think he’s hoping for a cavity search.
November 28, 2011 at 6:11 pm
Maybe he just needs a hug?
November 28, 2011 at 5:29 pm
He really shouldn’t stretch like that when wearing the thong – he could end up cutting himself in half.
November 28, 2011 at 7:47 pm
…when sausage casings fight back.
November 28, 2011 at 3:51 pm
In keeping with the multiple personality theme, I don’t know if I should be A) Horrified B) Terrified or C) Confused by how well the bikini top seems to fit him.
November 28, 2011 at 5:04 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
November 28, 2011 at 9:56 pm
He didn’t make it. It’s Gilda Marx.
I wonder if she might have an opinion on this…
November 28, 2011 at 3:55 pm
That’s really disappointing. I was pretty fond of this guy.
November 28, 2011 at 4:52 pm
I know, I actually thought he had to be pretty cool when the first post showed up.
November 29, 2011 at 3:38 pm
Me too. :/
November 28, 2011 at 3:55 pm
Hey, Chris. Any chance of you posting pics of you in just the navy thong you’ve got on?
November 28, 2011 at 4:42 pm
DO NOT FUCKING ENCOURAGE HIM!!!
November 28, 2011 at 5:05 pm
Oh, please encourage him some more….
November 28, 2011 at 5:10 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
November 28, 2011 at 11:10 pm
Just a thong isn’t crossdressing, dimwit.
November 29, 2011 at 1:38 am
Yeah, because heavens forbid that you’d be confronted with stuff outside your comfort zone. Fucknozzle.
November 29, 2011 at 4:34 am
well if this is outside zabadu’s comfort zone, then s/he just might as well leave the Internet now.
and shut the door behind you – the rest of us are getting drafty in here.
November 29, 2011 at 2:49 pm
:/ .. -_-
Feh. you know, staying under a rock I’m sure you wont encounter anything “interesting” or uncomfortable there.. byeee
November 28, 2011 at 3:57 pm
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November 28, 2011 at 3:59 pm
Before I bought the 2 piece aerobic leotard outfit by Gilda Marx, most of my days were spent explaining subtle differences in the various leaders of the early Catholic pentarchy to random strangers on the cross-town bus, whenever I wasn’t consuming vast amounts of grain alcohol and vomiting up blood. But ever since I started wearing the spandex masterpiece you see above, I’ve become the very quintessence of the ladies man. I know because several people call me a lady-man or “lady-boy” while wearing it in line at the bank, reporting for jury duty, or anywhere else where stylish outfits are admired. Now my life is like a statue of a Roman god, carved from a block of solid victory. Except Roman gods never had the breathable comfort of supple, form-flattering lycra! Now I know how it feels to be envied by the gods themselves.
Thanks, Chris Kennedy!
November 28, 2011 at 4:34 pm
You win an award!
Huzzah!
November 28, 2011 at 5:42 pm
I’d like to thank the members of the academy who made this possible. I’d also like to give thanks to the western idealized Caucasian Jesus, Dionysus, Horus, Krishna, and lord Cthulhu, without whom I could never have done it all.
Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn!
November 28, 2011 at 4:06 pm
I jealous – his moobs are bigger than mine. *pout*
November 28, 2011 at 5:30 pm
I wear a D and they look bigger than my very female boobs. I’m not sure what to make of this.
November 28, 2011 at 7:20 pm
Shit… the last time I was a D, I was in middle school and I probably still wouldn’t have fit it.
November 28, 2011 at 4:07 pm
I’m confused by his thinking that we are stalking his browsing history. What am I, your mother?
November 28, 2011 at 4:08 pm
I honestly don’t find him interesting enough to do that. I’ve seen weirder on the internet.
November 28, 2011 at 4:36 pm
Is he doing something that frickin’ ridiculous that someone seeing his browser history would be such a big deal?
“Shit, guys…he’s browsing Amazon again! He’s buying an outdoor broom!”
I mean, seriously.
November 28, 2011 at 5:36 pm
November 28, 2011 at 5:56 pm
Maybe what he really meant was he needs more *stockings*. Can you imagine the ladders in those things?
November 28, 2011 at 4:12 pm
How big a loser/fuck-up would you have had to be to become a Neanderthal derelict? I mean, a successful caveman just needed to find a club and a cave, right? Add a couple fire sticks and he’d have been straight-up pimpin’.
November 28, 2011 at 8:01 pm
Well, if you failed trying to buy Geico insurance…
November 29, 2011 at 6:21 am
Well…I guess you’d need to be able to USE the club. I mean what if you went out to club whatever large land mammal you wanted to eat, and you missed?
I guess you could always go home and eat the family. Huh. There are some bones suggesting that…
Hey! Maybe that’s where the Neanderthals went!
November 28, 2011 at 4:15 pm
http://static.regretsy.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/10/deadlink_final.jpg
But how can I purchase this lovely item, when he has removed it?
November 28, 2011 at 6:42 pm
I assume that’s the one he decided to keep because it now “fits”.
This lovely lavender one is still available, though. You’re welcome.
November 28, 2011 at 7:18 pm
omg that last pose.
November 29, 2011 at 7:00 am
AAAhhh!!! MY EYES!! Not corruptable as goatse, but as bad as someone throwing vinegar into your eyes.
November 29, 2011 at 9:28 am
I always like his comments left for others.
November 28, 2011 at 4:16 pm
Everyday, I’m shufflin’
Signed
A Neanderthal* Derelict
*And I pronounce it Ne-and-der-THALL, ’cause I’m old school prehistoric.
November 28, 2011 at 4:17 pm
Hey yo, youse guys think yer pretty funny huh? Can’t a cacasentenze prance around in a neon 80s leotard and shimmery control tops without gettin’ hassled ova here?
Seriously April, how dare you introduce his videos and Etsy shop to other people who surf the web and leave comments on his videos, thereby increasing his traffic? DON’T YOU KNOW THAT’S STALKING!
November 28, 2011 at 4:20 pm
Ah, the classic “haters make me famous” defense.
I thought he’d be a good sport too. Frankly it’s a little disappointing.
November 28, 2011 at 4:20 pm
If you can’t take the potshots, don’t provide the ammunition.
November 28, 2011 at 4:26 pm
No, don’t say that word or April will start bawling again.
November 28, 2011 at 4:57 pm
Pot, shots and ammunition. These are a few of my favorite things. Which one makes HKapril cry? I’ll stop using it.
November 28, 2011 at 10:01 pm
I’m betting she MIGHT just have done a few shots tonight in Finland, and Etsy gives her plenty of ammunition. (See the penultimate post.)
November 29, 2011 at 1:43 am
She had to put her lovely stash of pot down the pot, man. I am crying a river over here.
November 28, 2011 at 4:22 pm
The warning video on his opening video on youtube is 50 seconds long.
The total intro, including the warning was 2 minutes long.
All to see this guy in white leotard with short sleeves… I prefer to watch Richard Simmons. At least Richard Simmons is funny.
November 28, 2011 at 4:57 pm
In the dark. With his TV on. Unless that was mood lighting. This is a kink, right? Because if it’s not, I don’t get it.
November 29, 2011 at 2:01 am
I don’t know but if you figure it out, please tell me. …or don’t, I’m not sure if I really want to know.
November 28, 2011 at 4:24 pm
You guys are all missing the most disturbing part–HE’S NOW KEEPING SOME OF HIS MERCHANDISE BECAUSE IT FITS HIM.
Now, maybe it’s true that he sold, you know, things for men. And maybe it’s true that he’s lost some weight and/or gained some muscle, in which case, that’s a very commendable thing to do, and I applaud you for taking an interest in your health.
But there is still no force on Earth that will stop me from interpreting that statement as meaning that he now fits nicely into the mankini and will be keeping it for himself.
November 28, 2011 at 4:27 pm
Guys in spandex deserve a lot more love than they get. Almost by definition.
November 28, 2011 at 7:15 pm
You never know… he could have made it fit. It would still look bad but hey, it fits now!
November 28, 2011 at 4:29 pm
Fighting crime one thong at a time. WHOOOSH!
November 28, 2011 at 11:33 pm
Perhaps you mean TWANG?
November 28, 2011 at 4:30 pm
I couldn’t even SEE the comments on his youtube channel because there were so many sweaty mantard pictures underneath…
November 28, 2011 at 4:37 pm
Some day when I’m feeling a little too much will to live, I’m going to go back through all of these and compile The American Legal Code According to Butthurt.
November 28, 2011 at 4:43 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
November 28, 2011 at 4:51 pm
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November 28, 2011 at 4:57 pm
Someone please rewrite the lyrics to “The Thong Song” to suit this.
…I’d do it myself but I’m drunk on Canada Dry, Gatorade, cough syrup, lozenges, Vapo-Rub, Immodium, Gravol and Pepto Bismol, so nothing really makes sense right now. Not to mention that my loft is 59 degrees, I’m typing on my Blackberry under the duvet and sweating my vagoo off.
Would I be paranoid delusional to think that filing antique postcards recently somehow exposed me to the Spanish Flu?
November 28, 2011 at 5:02 pm
Thanks for bringing Chris to my attention. I’ve been looking for a good no-impact workout.
Btw, from that pic, it looks more like an ANaerobic outfit–it’s so tight, ain’t no oxygen getting in there.
November 28, 2011 at 6:21 pm
*nerdy high-five*
November 28, 2011 at 5:12 pm
He is wearing the wrong earrings for that outfit though.
November 28, 2011 at 5:16 pm
What a neanderthal.
November 29, 2011 at 5:19 am
Where’d you get a picture of my mom?
November 28, 2011 at 5:22 pm
I’m starting to wonder if the last few ‘crease and delist’ emails are coming from a place of true butthurt. Maybe they’re noticing the die-down in traffic on their sites. Just some quick research on etsy tells them that HK will post about it.
It’s a conspiracy, I tell you! And M. Night Shamalamadingdong is sitting in the corner, whispering “what a twist!”
Now back to the sweet embrace of this Nyquil trip. Weeeeeeeee!!
November 28, 2011 at 5:48 pm
He’s probably so butthurt about this because his butt actually hurts from that Flex-tard thong.
November 29, 2011 at 7:43 pm
yup, looks pretty wedged up there..
November 28, 2011 at 5:51 pm
Stalking? Hate comments? Come on. We may be derelict, loser, bitches, and I can believe (expect) that we were insulting and snarky, but we aren’t psychos. I’m sure that all the hate was for his outfit and for the fact that HE was the one modeling it. And after seeing those pictures, wht jury in the world would convict us?
November 28, 2011 at 5:54 pm
And I so totally thought he would have made the perfect addition to create the Regretsy Trinity of Mike, Dancing Dror and Chris. oh well. :/
November 28, 2011 at 7:12 pm
While I commend your desire to build up our Men of Regretsy calendar, he shouldn’t be a part of the Trinity. Another, hairier, musclier *wipes drool* specimen of man should come forth. And this time, we should expect full-frontal nudity.
November 28, 2011 at 7:17 pm
Expect full-frontal nudity? Nay, DEMAND IT! We shall use that as the primary characteristic for inclusion in our snug little community.
November 28, 2011 at 7:26 pm
I was trying to be nice but you’re right… it takes a certain man to be among us fat jealous losers and we shouldn’t accept anything less.
November 28, 2011 at 7:39 pm
Isn’t there already a trinity? What happened to that young lad that got added to the insurance policy for agreeing to pose for fuckery?
I’d look for the post but my head is too clogged with goo to think straight enough to know where to start. I think he was ‘of age’, wasn’t he?
November 28, 2011 at 7:44 pm
Oh, yes, the boyfriend of the daughter of the woman who won the Halloween pumpkin carving contest. She got him drunk and promised to add him to her car insurance policy if he wrapped himself in a towel and take a photo. I’m not sure you CAN add a non-relative to a car insurance policy, but after enough vodkas, you can convince anyone of anything, I guess.
November 28, 2011 at 9:20 pm
Yes. Yes you can add a non-relative to a car insurance policy. In fact, you MUST add anyone in the household or business with a valid drivers’ licence, and anyone under the age of 25 that operates the vehicle. In some jurisdictions you may be obligated to add all operators while in others you may automatically extend insurance coverage simply by giving the driver permission to drive.
*sigh*
I need to find a new line of work. One where I’m not hated so much.
November 29, 2011 at 11:34 am
Are you an insurane salesperson or an actuarial? If the latter, cheer up—according to a recent business survey, actuarials have the best chance for a good-paying job in their field right out of college AND a safe and steady career with little chance of downsizing or layoffs. Why? Well, if you had to do that work all day an didn’t like numbers, you’d probably shoot yourself, so there are very few people who have the calling. I’m not one of them.
November 29, 2011 at 7:20 pm
No, no, no. I’m definitely not bright or dull enough to be an actuary.
I’m a corporate insurance and surety broker. It’s dry. Like eating crackers in the desert.
November 28, 2011 at 10:20 pm
What about Sam? I find his rants exceedingly sexy
November 29, 2011 at 10:06 am
Ooh, yes, and he has a yummy butt, too!!!
November 28, 2011 at 5:56 pm
November 28, 2011 at 6:03 pm
Oh god. I watched some of the video. I am brain damaged.
November 28, 2011 at 6:31 pm
Ummm…I’m sure we already found this earlier, but I didn’t and now I have to tell somebody…good Lord, his Facebook page is amazing. Here is just a snippet: Albums titled “Another album of Me wearing my leotard and leg warmers!
” or better yet: “Me working out, wearing my new red Dance France thong leotard! 
” and then there is the classic “Me wearing my flexitard unitard with my reebok freestyles! 
” I really don’t think I could make this shit up if I tried my very hardest. http://www.facebook.com/media/albums/?id=187702477908153
November 28, 2011 at 6:52 pm
I love this pic where you can see his nipples & belly button shadow through the leo.
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=285042424840824&set=a.285042301507503.84688.187702477908153&type=3&theater
November 28, 2011 at 7:00 pm
I don’t know, this one just kind of does it for me. Nothing like a good old fashioned nip slip.
http://a8.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/296458_285036391508094_187702477908153_1201399_186763384_n.jpg
November 28, 2011 at 11:44 pm
For me it’s the solemn facial expression that sells it, like THIS IS SERIOUS BUSINESS YOU GUYS.
I’m disappointed he turned out to be such a spoilsport.
November 28, 2011 at 6:56 pm
Something about the dark, shadowy man-nips peeking through the spandex in those photos makes them so much worse than I had imagined.
November 28, 2011 at 6:46 pm
He says he’s “an aerobics instructor to be.” I think that’s just his excuse to wear tight, shiny things.
November 28, 2011 at 8:25 pm
VERY shiny. I clicked the link to his video and was nearly blinded when it popped up.
November 28, 2011 at 7:29 pm
November 28, 2011 at 7:40 pm
Guys in spandex deserve a lot more love than they get.
This needs to be a sampler.
November 28, 2011 at 8:00 pm
You know, for one awful moment, I thought this guy was Christian Weston Chandler (aka Chris-Chan). They do look a lot alike, and Chris-Chan has, in the past, posted pictures online of him wearing women’s clothing.
If you don’t know who Chris-Chan is, feel free to check him out on Encyclopedia Dramatica. And, he also has a Facebook page!
November 28, 2011 at 8:03 pm
I’m just having trouble wrapping my head around “mocked it to harassment”
“you stalked me and my history on the internet browsing through the sites that I gone to and am a regular of such as my Videofitness.com site and lastly hijacked my youtube video and profile.”
Is he accusing us of hacking into his computer and stealing his history so that we could troll him wherever he goes?
I’m too friggin lazy for that.
November 29, 2011 at 5:03 am
Chris, if you’re reading this (and I’m sure you are) you can’t tell everyone which sites you visit and what your usernames are and then accuse us of stalking.
If you want internet privacy, sharing all of your contact details is not the way to go about it.
November 30, 2011 at 6:55 pm
Yeah, that is abso-fucking-lutely THE best way to stay private! Post any and all contact information on the internet.
My favorite is his phone number being listed in his shop announcement. Because that’s just genius right there. It’s not like that could be seen by just anyone…and of course there’s no way to just type in someone’s name to find everything that’s ever been mentioned about that person.
This guy should be head of the damn CIA; he’s got incognito down to a science!
November 28, 2011 at 8:24 pm
November 28, 2011 at 9:34 pm
I’m a bit concerned about the cumulative tensile strength in that photo. Was the photographer standing behind safety glass?
November 28, 2011 at 9:39 pm
Flexitard will now be my new catch-all term for any fitness instructor.
Also, this caused an unspeakable moment of Zen horror inside me. This is from one of his photo albums on facebook:
One of my true inspirations! 
I guess I’m the male counterpart of Pat Benatar! 
As well as the male counterpart of Jane Fonda! 
”
“Boy I think Pat Benatar is hot!!!
November 28, 2011 at 9:51 pm
Oh god please don’t count me in your rooting section.
November 29, 2011 at 12:39 am
November 28, 2011 at 10:12 pm
“I’m modeling this one even though I’m a guy because I couldn’t find any models and I got no mannequin yet.”
“I’m eating this cheeseburger even though I’m a vegetarian because I couldn’t find any kale and I got no garden yet.”
“I’m watching this gay porn even though I’m straight because I couldn’t afford any women porn and I got my virginity still.”
November 29, 2011 at 8:57 am
brilliant.
November 29, 2011 at 12:19 am
You can derelick my balls!
November 29, 2011 at 12:50 am
Girl look at that body
Girl look at that body
Girl look at that body
I work out!
November 29, 2011 at 4:45 am
I’ve got a good mind to purchase his flexitard so I can distill his butt crack sweat into a divine rainbow essence. And sell it on Etsy.
November 29, 2011 at 6:07 am
I dunno why- perhaps, morbid curiosity- but I went and watched his youtube video. It’s not encouraging when your aerobics instructor looses their breath during the warm-up. Thankfully, I’m not in denial of my lack of fitness, so I poured myself another baileys-bacon-hamburger-milkshake and took a hot bath.
November 29, 2011 at 12:00 pm
Is it bad that thought for a second that that might actually be tasty somehow? Like a deconstructed version of it or something?
November 29, 2011 at 9:06 pm
I tried to watch it but I barely got past the 2-minute intro.
November 29, 2011 at 3:03 pm
Wigglewigglewigglewiggle….
November 29, 2011 at 3:44 pm
.Ain’t afraid to show it.
November 29, 2011 at 6:26 am
The saddest thing about this article is that Helen said she has no friends? HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE!?!? How can someone so cool and funny have no friends. I WILL BE YOUR FRIEND HELEN
!!!
November 29, 2011 at 8:19 am
I’m sorry….. I was too busy staring at the colors….
By the way I regularly visit this site sober but I have a certificate stating I have mental disorders so …
November 29, 2011 at 8:54 am
Challenging HK with a legal threat in a mankini-tard is like battling Chuck Norris with a limp dong while he rides a glittering narwhal. There’s only one winner and it ain’t you.
November 29, 2011 at 9:42 am
Wait, who has the limp dong, you or Chuck Norris?
November 29, 2011 at 11:48 am
You. You have the limp dong. Sorry for the confusion.
November 29, 2011 at 1:14 pm
The idea of that image seems like an excellent candidate for one of those sparkly gifs.
November 29, 2011 at 3:59 pm
Oh God I hope someone makes that.
November 29, 2011 at 9:08 pm
Clearly, the narwhal is the winner in this scenario.
November 29, 2011 at 10:11 am
Hey guys, he’s a professional. Haven’t youse seen his logo? (He’s from the Jersey Shore too. I look forward to the reality show about his startup aerobics studio.)
November 29, 2011 at 10:14 am
Oh my, “results guaranteed”, but what results?:
November 29, 2011 at 11:38 am
I don’t understand why people use their mouse to “write” their names on a photo when they could find some other way, even if it’s using a script font. This just makes him look like such a…flexitard. Yes, I’m going with flexitard, because I’m blinded by his shininess…and…can…not…think…of…another…word.
November 29, 2011 at 11:19 am
Flexatard is right.
November 29, 2011 at 3:45 pm
I knew I had seen that outfit somewhere else
http://blogs.bet.com/lifestyle/headoverheels/wp-content/uploads/2010/09/Rihanna1.jpg
November 29, 2011 at 5:03 pm
I myself am a fat old guy, and I am always amazed when I see someone flaunt that, but hey more power to the guy, I sure as hell wouldn’t have the nerve ( let alone the interest ) to post a photo like that.
I reminds me of a picture I saw on the Internet once, it was of a naked guy, must have been at Least 400 lbs, sitting in front of his computer.
I could just imagine him on some Chat room, telling the ladies that he was 6’4″ thin and muscular.
November 30, 2011 at 8:54 am
I think this guy RULES.
November 30, 2011 at 2:16 pm
Long time reader first time commenter (well, second, but first was like 5 minutes ago)… HKpril, why don’t you include, in your butthurt rebuttals, a very clear and simple paragraph explaining that you don’t *need* permission to put things on your website that clearly exists to make fun? After, of course, the rest of the hilarious jabs that we all love so much.
Would’ve shut Jackie up, I assume…
I do like how that one guy accused you of colluding WITH Etsy to make fun of him and his wares (muricide guy). That was extra funny.
November 30, 2011 at 6:40 pm
Aww, that would take so much enjoyment out of these situations! I personally love to imagine the reaction the whackjob-of-the-day would get if they actually had the balls to follow through with threats of legal action. It’s much more fun to let them be delusional.
December 1, 2011 at 12:38 pm
But letting them be delusional is also letting them believe they can win. I don’t know about you, but I think the best smackdowns always include robbing them of that little ray of sunshine!
I’m sure April could write up a stock “oh by the way, chucklenuts, here’s how it is in the really real world” addendum paragraph both doing that AND providing us even more hilarity to read!
December 1, 2011 at 3:44 pm
I haven’t been this turned on since Tim Curry wore pearls and garters. There is nothing like a man in hosiery to titillate the womenfolk. Thanks Chris Kennedy. If I thought I could possibly.get with you and ‘exercise’ ( is this what you call banging a gong these days?)I’d even throw in a pair of Adrien Vittadini no line support panyhose.
December 1, 2011 at 5:55 pm
I get the workout wear fetish, but the pantyhose with the red leotard? Ew. Try queen-size hose next time, as it is much less likely to creep out the bottom of your thong.
December 1, 2011 at 6:53 pm
Chris your butt just sent a letter it would like you to cease and desist from wearing panty hose and thongs.
December 3, 2011 at 1:17 pm
jesus, i can’t read through all this useless, though undoubtedly entertaining, shit. i just want to comment on the post.
those are really cool control tops. they look so familiar, too. i got rid of my control tops back in 1995 and i’ve missed them a lot. i wonder if those are they? maybe it’s the matted down ass hair that’s bringing me to a poignant state of nostalgia. i don’t know. but the look reverberates in my memory for some goddam reason.
sorry about all this useless shit. my basic comment was going to be: holy fucking christ, i miss those motherfucking control tops. i’m sorry i read down this far. but that’s not your problem.
January 25, 2012 at 3:02 pm
OK, let me get this straight (no pun intended). This guy… makes workout videos?!?
The mind. It boggles. The pain, the pain.