YEAAAHHHHH
I love him.
You know, I saw him once in the supermarket.
I couldn’t fucking believe it. He was just buying tomato sauce, AS IF HE WERE A REAL PERSON
I asked for his autograph, and he said, “Daddy came prepared.”
He gave me this.
DON’T HATE
November 16, 2011 at 12:12 pm
I’ll be honest; I’m hating a little bit.
November 16, 2011 at 1:01 pm
November 16, 2011 at 1:10 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
November 16, 2011 at 1:11 pm
*saw it*
(please excuse the typo – blood in the eyes and all that.)
November 16, 2011 at 1:30 pm
He’s totally not my type but…this actually turns me on a little.
November 16, 2011 at 1:35 pm
Not my type either, but I love the voice.
November 16, 2011 at 11:17 pm
Actually I like his “accessories,” but a man who calls himself daddy to someone not his kids? Eww, ick, yucko, bleeeh, etc.
November 16, 2011 at 5:57 pm
Can’t stand the Howdy-Doody man, but I’m tickled as all hell for April. The look on her face (that’s almost obscured by her hand that is apparently wiping away tears of joy) is precious; I’m totally jealous of that look!
November 16, 2011 at 6:18 pm
Funny you should mention Howdy-Doody, because he had a friend named Clarabelle. It was a guy, but still.
November 16, 2011 at 7:48 pm
You are sharp Mugsy…good catch.
November 17, 2011 at 9:00 pm
Oh god, I am so glad I’m not the only one. My mind is screaming no but my body is screaming yes. And then it screams what the fuck. And then my mind screams what’s happening, oh god.
November 16, 2011 at 12:12 pm
That right there is the SHIT!!!!!
November 16, 2011 at 12:37 pm
I about pissed myself because your name is making me imagine things I’ve never imagined before.
November 16, 2011 at 12:47 pm
I’m beset with mental images of bared ankles and suggestive butter-churning.
November 16, 2011 at 3:03 pm
how would one go about non-suggestively hand churning butter?
November 16, 2011 at 3:29 pm
He never said that hands were involved.
November 16, 2011 at 1:35 pm
I actually saw some spanking porn that evoked Amish / plain folk, in dress and speech and behavior more than just like LOL WE’RE AMISH. It was hot
November 16, 2011 at 1:46 pm
http://www.youtube.com/user/Amishdeception#p/a/u/0/9yvdOZEVqVE
Enjoy.
November 16, 2011 at 1:30 pm
I love, LOVE that it was made by a member of April’s Army!!1
November 16, 2011 at 12:12 pm
That treetopper is a showstopper Mrs. Caine.
November 16, 2011 at 12:16 pm
I wanted to ask if you were putting this on top of your bottle tree and if you have cruised Etsy for a David Caruso plate. There has to be one, there just has to be.
November 16, 2011 at 1:12 pm
A David Caruso plate, huh? BRB
November 16, 2011 at 1:14 pm
Nope. Except for a couple of beer cozies, there’s a framed canvas thingie: http://www.etsy.com/listing/73706146/david-caruso?ref=sr_list_2&ga_search_query=David+Caruso&ga_view_type=list&ga_ship_to=US&ga_search_type=all&ga_facet=
November 16, 2011 at 2:41 pm
I found a desktop calendar on ebay.
http://www.ebay.com/itm/DAVID-CARUSO-2012-DESKTOP-HOLIDAY-CALENDAR-/320725237033?pt=LH_DefaultDomain_0&hash=item4aacb6bd29
November 16, 2011 at 8:01 pm
Who needs a plate?
November 16, 2011 at 12:13 pm
Oh. Fuck. Yeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
*puts on sunglasses*
November 16, 2011 at 12:13 pm
HATE
November 17, 2011 at 8:18 am
The green eyed monster in me wants you to know HE LOOKS FAT.
/end hate.
November 16, 2011 at 12:13 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
November 16, 2011 at 12:48 pm
Gingervitus?
November 16, 2011 at 12:15 pm
When he spoke to you, did he dip his head and sort of twist his neck to the side all at the same time?
November 16, 2011 at 12:17 pm
YES!!! He was so weird. He called himself “Daddy!”
I loved it.
November 16, 2011 at 12:19 pm
I tried calling myself Daddy once. Creeped out the entire Chuck E Cheese wait staff.
November 16, 2011 at 1:13 pm
Perhaps you brought out the handcuffs too soon?
November 16, 2011 at 4:06 pm
Actually I had a silk scarf, zorro mask and a jar of peach preserves. Somehow they were creeped out. Maybe it was the chapless ass?
November 16, 2011 at 11:21 pm
Well of course you pervert. PEACH preserves?? I mean really! You should know the place is for kids, and just gone with the tried and true grape or strawberry.
November 16, 2011 at 8:02 pm
Just don’t try it at the Golden Corral chocolate fountain.
November 16, 2011 at 9:50 pm
I think chapless ass is the preferred ass. Assless chaps, however…well, only if you’re Prince.
November 16, 2011 at 4:48 pm
Did you tell him who you are?
November 16, 2011 at 12:15 pm
His expression is saying “WTF am I doing shopping for myself?”
November 16, 2011 at 12:16 pm
I am so jealous right now I’m so in love with him. I love it when he does the sunglasses thing!
November 16, 2011 at 12:16 pm
No hate, just a little jelly.
November 16, 2011 at 12:17 pm
I just showed this to my boyfriend and told him I wanted to buy it, and he didn’t realise who it was.
I am considering breaking up with him.
November 16, 2011 at 3:46 pm
Clearly you didn’t realize that this is a training issue. He can be trained to know who your favorite people are. I assume you are a woman since you do not know this as it was just in the gay newsletter last week. Wait! I’ve said too much.
November 16, 2011 at 12:17 pm
Shit if someone can sell that on Etsy I need to open a store so I can sell the topper I made for my office’s tree last year.
I call it Holy Trinity of Stache (yes the moustaches are glitter). Its gently used and priced reasonably at $79.99
November 16, 2011 at 1:11 pm
I’m not even gay. But I SO have to have these! Any thoughts of adding one each year — to really make the set collectible?
November 16, 2011 at 1:35 pm
that is genius. Might I suggest
November 16, 2011 at 6:06 pm
Ron Swanson is the King of the Mustache. No other mustaches need apply.
November 16, 2011 at 7:58 pm
I like Nick Cave’s but it really is part of a brow-stache combo.
November 16, 2011 at 1:12 pm
I think I might be in love with you now…or it could just be the glitter moustaches making me swoon.
November 16, 2011 at 2:29 pm
OH my Lord. If you don’t put that shit online right now, I will fight you. And by shit, I mean totally awesome holiday tribute to the stache.
November 16, 2011 at 8:33 pm
Here’s the real STACHE MAN of Regretsy…
We need to make one for Dror’s chest too..
November 17, 2011 at 8:23 am
I APPROVE OF THIS MESSAGE.
November 16, 2011 at 12:17 pm
And then he … checked out.
YEAH!
November 16, 2011 at 12:17 pm
Imagine if he’d said “Daddy came prepared” and whipped out a pack of condoms, then put on the glasses. YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Helen Killer Caine, it has a nice ring to it.
November 16, 2011 at 12:18 pm
That is the most awesome thing I have ever seen. I am such a fat jealous loser over you, Helen.
November 16, 2011 at 12:18 pm
But what kind of tomato sauce did he buy?!?!!
Um. Asking for a friend.
November 16, 2011 at 12:19 pm
SO FAT AND JEALOUS. GOD.
November 16, 2011 at 12:20 pm
I can’t think of him talking without using that cadence.
“I’m buying tomato sauce because tonight……….I’m making lasagna.”
YEEEEEEEAAAAHHHHH!!!!
November 16, 2011 at 12:20 pm
Congratulations HK… You two make a lovely couple.
November 16, 2011 at 12:32 pm
I took this photo at the local Japanese market… they tried to suggest the H.K. meant something lame like Hello Kitty. Stupid idiots.
November 16, 2011 at 3:01 pm
Here, I fixed it for you…
November 16, 2011 at 5:20 pm
if that IS her name…
November 16, 2011 at 12:21 pm
Are you guys going to hate me if I say I thought it was Elton John when I first clicked?
Only he’s not as weird as David Caruso.
November 16, 2011 at 12:38 pm
I thought it was the Reverend Jim Jones of Jonestown fame when I saw it. I wondered why anyone would want a Jim Jones Tree Topper …
November 16, 2011 at 1:35 pm
Hell, I thought it was my pool guy. And you thought makeup only did wonders for women.
November 18, 2011 at 7:32 pm
Agreed, if only quietly to avoid angering the acolytes.
November 16, 2011 at 1:36 pm
I thought it was The Fonz. The dark hair threw me off.
November 16, 2011 at 8:35 pm
That’s funny…I thought it was Chano, but the accent was a bit off.
November 17, 2011 at 12:39 pm
I thought Roy Orbison.
November 16, 2011 at 12:22 pm
“He gave me this.”
I honestly thought you were talking about the diamond ring at first.
November 16, 2011 at 12:39 pm
Maybe he DID give her the diamond… ever think of THAT?
November 16, 2011 at 1:07 pm
I also thought this. And why wouldn’t a guy in a supermarket give April an engagement ring? Has that never happened to you?
November 16, 2011 at 2:46 pm
The best I’ve done is a guy getting a bottle of gator-Ade down from the top shelf for me.
November 16, 2011 at 12:23 pm
Sploosh
Also… need to work on a photoshop that involves him and the words “Daddy comes prepared.”
November 16, 2011 at 1:18 pm
I still get a little shiver every time I think of him and that phrase together.
November 16, 2011 at 12:23 pm
Okay, so before I scrolled down all the way I just saw the diamond ring and thought to myself “Holy Fuck, this guy is rolling around town referring to himself as “daddy” and giving out diamond rings. Where was I?” Then I saw the Horatio bracelet. lol.
November 16, 2011 at 12:26 pm
I know what I’ll be emailing out for Christmas this year . . .
November 16, 2011 at 12:33 pm
Holy shit! That’s beautiful.
November 16, 2011 at 12:28 pm
I always think he looks just like my dad in that pink of his back.
November 16, 2011 at 12:37 pm
Ha! I’ve always heard he has a great sense of humor. I remember when “South Park” made that reference to his career plunging in their first episode, he was reported as saying that was the best publicity he’s had in years.
November 16, 2011 at 1:17 pm
That was the ONLY publicity he’d had in years. Except maybe for the awful reviews of “Jade.”
November 16, 2011 at 12:39 pm
Actually, Caruso should be in awe of you. You are a bigger star (searched on the Internet based on Google trends for 2011) than David Caruso.
Here’s the link. I can’t add the chart on my iPad.
http://www.google.com/trends?q=Regretsy%2C+David+Caruso&ctab=0&geo=all&date=2011&sort=0
November 16, 2011 at 1:16 pm
That’s not the least bit surprising. What is surprising is that New York City isnt listed—he’s a Queens (NY) boy, born and raised!
November 16, 2011 at 1:17 pm
But not in the UK. We like Regretsy and David Caruso in EXACTLY EQUAL amounts.
And the Germans freaking love him compared to you.
November 16, 2011 at 1:42 pm
The Germans also worship David Hasselhoff. AS A SINGER.
November 16, 2011 at 2:39 pm
Everyvone loves der Hoff.
November 16, 2011 at 2:47 pm
You can’t trust the taste of a country with food like theirs.
November 16, 2011 at 8:00 pm
We need to invade invite Germany?
November 16, 2011 at 8:00 pm
DAMN YOU, OUGHTA CORRECT!
November 16, 2011 at 8:41 pm
This one is pretty funny too!
http://www.google.com/trends?q=Jacqueline+Stallone%2C+regretsy&ctab=0&geo=all&date=2011&sort=0
November 17, 2011 at 12:07 am
Snork!!
November 17, 2011 at 1:16 pm
http://www.google.com/trends?q=Jackie+Stallone%2C+regretsy&ctab=0&geo=all&date=2011&sort=1
Poor Jackie fares slightly better in this round, although I reckon the peaks probably coincide with Regretsy readers going ‘who the fuck is she’?
November 16, 2011 at 12:51 pm
Yep, totally jealous. Also I want that for my tree.
November 16, 2011 at 1:08 pm
I’m so jealous. Last time I crossed paths with an idol I literally almost fainted. I admire your balls.
November 16, 2011 at 8:27 pm
Last time I crossed paths with an idol I literally almost farted.
November 16, 2011 at 1:13 pm
Okay, whenever I see/hear “Horatio” mentioned, I recall a former coworker who was trying to remember the name of the show which featured this character, and he said, “you know, the crime show. With that guy…Fellatio!”
I’m guessing he still hasn’t lived that one down….
November 16, 2011 at 3:39 pm
I once saw Missy Elliott at a restaurant. The friend with me said, “that’s Missy Elliott! And her protege, Cialis!”
Fortunately, Ciara didn’t hear him.
November 16, 2011 at 1:21 pm
I feel like Bronc and David should first do a sunglasses-putting and one-liners-spouting deathmatch for your heart. You could sell tickets!
November 16, 2011 at 1:29 pm
Dibs on the “loser”!!
November 16, 2011 at 1:47 pm
Could this death match be naked and including some kind of oil? Please?
November 16, 2011 at 3:44 pm
Maybe that was what the Spaghetti Sauce was for.
November 16, 2011 at 8:45 pm
Dibs on the spaghetti sauce.
November 17, 2011 at 4:36 am
Mmm. Noodles and meatballs for everyone.
November 16, 2011 at 1:26 pm
I’m not hating, just really jealous.
Did he take off his sunglasses when he said that? Was there a slow motion explosion? Details!
November 16, 2011 at 1:39 pm
I love the derpy smile you have on your face Helen, it’s exactly like the derpy smile on my face when I had my picture taken with Charlie Boorman.
November 16, 2011 at 1:43 pm
I was just gonna say I love the look on her face too. It’s like Ohmigod, what the hell is happening? But without the panic reserved for getting your picture taken with Nick Nolte.
November 16, 2011 at 2:27 pm
It looks like she’s smile-crying to me… like how I get when I think of David Duchovny.
Now if he said “Daddy came prepared” to me I would probably SQUEEEEE and faint.
November 16, 2011 at 4:06 pm
Yeah, when I met Bruce Campbell, he gave my boys high fives, and I said “I’m so jealous!” to my youngest. So he gave me a high five, too, and all I could do is stand there and stare at my hand while he signed my book. I sincerely thought about not washing my hand afterwards.
November 16, 2011 at 7:20 pm
I thought you meant your youngest son took pity on you and gave you a high five. “Sorry you’re so lame, Mom. Here, this pity five from me–the most awesome person you know–will cheer you right up.”
November 16, 2011 at 7:56 pm
Ouch. A pity high-five is so humiliating.
November 16, 2011 at 2:32 pm
I have to show this to my dad. He’s got a man-crush on Horatio. We tease him all the time about his bromance.
November 16, 2011 at 2:59 pm
I ran into him at the Ca D’Zan Mansion at the Ringling Museum in Sarasota, FL. Actually, he decided he deserved to look at it alone (well, with his girlfriend/wife who looked to be about 18) and I got stuck out in the pouring rain waiting at the door. Then when they finally let us wet nobodies in, I ran into him in a hallway. Yes, he was handing out signed pictures of himself and telling people who asked that he came prepared. I didn’t ask. I figured he was on a vacation and didn’t need some fat rain-soaked lady asking for anything. Oh, and besides, I was mad by then.
November 16, 2011 at 3:57 pm
I would have told him to keep it if I was rain-soaked and pissed off. Or just asked him why he was handing out signed pictures of himself. That would have ruined his day. Not being recognized!
November 16, 2011 at 3:46 pm
I’m surprised he doesn’t pass out sunglasses.
November 16, 2011 at 4:03 pm
Too bad he was in the spagetti sauce aisle: you should have found him in the ginger section!
November 16, 2011 at 8:46 pm
My mind is so in the gutter when I come to Regretsy. It actually took me a moment to think that one out it’s so cute.
November 16, 2011 at 9:54 pm
My mind went straight to figging until I saw your comment.
November 17, 2011 at 5:37 am
Thank you for contributing to my proper Regretsy education..now where is my fucking ginger, and I ain’t talking about that Rob guy from Etsy…
1. figging 550 up, 27 down
A peeled ginger root, shaped like a slender butt plug, inserted into the anus without lubrication of any kind. The ginger juices cause pain and extreme horniness. The person belonging to said anus become twitchy, jumpy and very lively. The effect lasts for about 20 minutes or more depending on the freshness and strength of the root. The root can also be applied directly to the clitoris or inserted into the urethra. Just be sure the sliver can be retrieved. Also, after peeling the ginger, wash your hands afterward because ginger juice in the eye just plain hurts like a mother fucker and is not fun or horny inducing in any way!
The word comes from the 18th century. Unscrupulous horse dealers would insert…
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=figging
November 17, 2011 at 7:00 pm
************** WARNING***********I actually tried this a few years back, after reading about it in some sex-advice column, and have scar tissue on my clitoris now. DO NOT MESS WITH GINGER or linament or mouthwash or anything like that. **************
November 16, 2011 at 5:35 pm
Two whimsicle modes?
Which one of you makers of fine fuckery is responsible for this masterpiece?
November 16, 2011 at 8:04 pm
is…. is it bad that I really
REALLY
had to reread this because I thought it was a picture of
Elton John and I was very, very confused.
It’s right there in the TITLE.
*facepalmdeskslam*
November 16, 2011 at 9:27 pm
Oh god…which store is that? I can’t quite tell if it’s a vons or a pavilions.
My roommate thought we saw Mr. Bean at our Ralphs once, but it was really a woman.
November 16, 2011 at 9:42 pm
I think it looks more like Mario Cantone than Horatio…
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mario_Cantone
November 17, 2011 at 7:39 am
Wait, he gave HK an engagement ring? :b
November 17, 2011 at 11:57 am
I’m constantly telling my husband about Regretsy and the latest fuckery, but he hardly pays attention. Last night, I swung my laptop around and said, “Honey, who is that?” (it was on the picture of Horatio’s back) and he said, “Um, Elton John?” I scrolled down and when he saw your glorious couple photo he said, “No. Fucking. Way. Hey, this site is alright!”
Oh, and I also enlightened him to the fact that you did a voice on Bump and he jizzed himself.
November 17, 2011 at 7:02 pm
I thought at first that April was just joking around! I totally didn’t expect it to ACTUALLY turn around and BE David Caruso!
November 18, 2011 at 2:07 pm
He kinda looks like a red-haired version of my grandpa in that picture.
November 18, 2011 at 4:01 pm
The Chinese reseller who posted this comment is a spammer, and wanted you to see pages and pages of shitty knockoffs made in sweat shops.
Instead, you’ll be seeing their email and IP addresses. If you have a blog, take the pre-emptive step of blacklisting them so they don’t shit all over your site.
zhang8084@hotmail.com
125.78.239.20
You may also wish to sign them up for Scientology auditing and Michelle Bachmann newsletters.
November 18, 2011 at 8:37 pm
Medium time reader, first time commenter. Quick question: are you and Carusso in Jons?
November 18, 2011 at 10:04 pm
Gelson’s
November 23, 2011 at 11:35 am
Nothing could ever replace my John Malkovich tree topper. We’ve used it since Being John Malkovich came out. In fact, we don’t have a “Christmas tree,” we have a “Malkovich.”
December 4, 2011 at 10:16 am
oh if only he were looking at hemorrhoid creams when you approached him.
December 6, 2011 at 2:40 am
The funniest thing about this is that the Christmas card is “From the Caines” and your wedding ring is up and showing in the shot. Bahahahaha!