We Deliver For You
So my parents are here. God love them, they’ve been packing up your Kickstarter rewards all day.
It’s been incredibly entertaining.
My 81-year old mother fired my father several times today because she didn’t like the way he stuffed envelopes. There was also a heated debate over what CF4L stands for, despite the fact that I repeatedly told her that C does not stand for “cock.”
I told my mother the whole Jacqueline Stallone story. I asked for her a formal opinion on the issue so I could share it with my readers.
“She wants me to look at her ass?”
“No, she wants you to pay her to look at your ass.”
“I think she should pay people to look at her face.”
“Well, I don’t disagree. But that’s not the arrangement.”
“She needs a psychiatrist.”
“So you would not pay her $600 to look at your ass?”
“No one is looking at my ass, I’m Sicilian. You tell a Sicilian woman you want to look at her ass, you find a horse’s head in your bed.”
So, there you go.
Then we had pizza, and mailed out another 400 packages.
And then I told them what Goatse is.
Awesome day.
Back to work!
November 16, 2011 at 6:33 pm
That dog isn’t fooling anyone. Its coat isn’t manila-colored, it’s tan. Try harder next time, pooch.
November 16, 2011 at 6:48 pm
pretty close though
November 16, 2011 at 7:30 pm
Mail the puppins to MEEEEEE!
November 16, 2011 at 9:06 pm
That picture of your pup is fucking adorable. I WANT PUP.
November 17, 2011 at 5:02 am
A horse’s head in the bed, a chihuahua in a box . . . It’s the Sicilian code of honor!
November 16, 2011 at 6:33 pm
“And then I told them what Goatse is.”
Boy that’s one conversation I hope to NEVER have with my parents.
November 16, 2011 at 6:34 pm
She laughed until she cried.
November 16, 2011 at 6:35 pm
Isn’t it wonderful to have an adult relationship with your parents?
Or is there a whole lotta shit that doesn’t make it to the front page?
November 16, 2011 at 6:38 pm
Oh no, they are thoroughly awesome. I adore them both.
November 16, 2011 at 6:45 pm
I am officially jealous of your relationship with your parents. I’m still afraid to swear in front of my dad, because I think I’ll disappoint him o.O
November 16, 2011 at 6:49 pm
I think HKpril’s mom would be upset if she DIDN’T swear and talk about cocks with her.
That’s an awesome relationship ya got there… from a fat jealous loser!
November 16, 2011 at 9:08 pm
God bless them. Makes me miss my awesome, amazeballs folks (Dad, Sicilian, Mom, Jewish) just a tinge more than I already do. Which is saying something.
November 16, 2011 at 9:11 pm
I am insanely jealous of your relationship with your parents!!
November 17, 2011 at 7:06 am
You are so lucky, but you already knew that.
November 16, 2011 at 7:01 pm
My mom is one of my best friends but I don’t know if I’ll ever qualify as adult enough to have an adult relationship with her. I texted her a photo this afternoon in which I looked pregnant, saying “Surprise!” Damn near gave her a heart attack. She is (and I am) too old for that….
November 16, 2011 at 7:50 pm
Sounds a pretty healthy relationship to me.
November 16, 2011 at 10:43 pm
Neither my mother nor I are really “adults.” We’re a pair of hyperactive children when we get together. My husband is amused by this. My dad? Not so much.
November 17, 2011 at 7:37 am
My mom is one of my best friends too! She know waaaaay too much about me though, more than a mom probably wants to know about their kid.
November 17, 2011 at 11:44 pm
I had a nice adult relationship with my mother, then we ended up talking about “THAT” subject and I realized that she was getting old in her old age and that I had better revert back to being plain old daughter again if I wanted to enjoy her last remaining years together with her. Sigh.
November 16, 2011 at 6:38 pm
I love your mom…in that..person I never met that i keep hearing awesome stories about kinda way. Tell her she’s cool. Then treat her to some nickle slots.
November 16, 2011 at 6:50 pm
Yes, she is overdue for a gambling trip. I’ll take her when I get back from Finland.
November 16, 2011 at 7:07 pm
But you ARE taking her and your dad to Finland, right?
November 16, 2011 at 6:43 pm
Your Mom is awesome. Can we trade Moms for a week? I’ll toss in Dad to sweeten the deal.
November 16, 2011 at 6:57 pm
Good thing that’s not a typo. “She laughed until she tried” would have a whole different meaning.
November 16, 2011 at 7:02 pm
You’re only telling your Mother about goatse… NOW ??
November 16, 2011 at 7:31 pm
I love your mom.
November 17, 2011 at 6:29 pm
Much better than when I showed it to my (seventy-something) grandmother, who kept saying, “Why? Why would someone do that?” and then tried to verbally logic it all out.
November 16, 2011 at 6:37 pm
I had that discussion with my Therapist a few weeks ago.
I figured a preemptive warning was good for anyone getting directed to my Etsy store.
November 16, 2011 at 6:55 pm
Last year, my 85 yr old father asked me what teabagging means. Thanks tea party.
November 16, 2011 at 7:02 pm
I got to explain teabagging to my cooperating teacher on my last student teacher gig in a high school (she had heard the students discussing it). She was 2 years away from retiring. Good times!
November 16, 2011 at 7:54 pm
You can thank Anderson Cooper for that one.
November 16, 2011 at 7:59 pm
I haven’t had to explain anything like that to my Mother yet, which kinda makes me think that she already KNOWS about it all. It does remind me of a conversation we had though. I had borrowed her MP3 player and put a lot of songs that I like on it. When I gave it back we were discussing if there were any songs on it that she’d like to keep. When we came to Marilyn Manson’s ‘Cake and Sodomy’ she says “Well I do like some Marilyn Manson”. So I say, “But not this one?”. She says “Well the cake sounds fine…but I don’t know about the sodomy”. Hahaha, I love my Mom.
November 16, 2011 at 9:11 pm
what I would give to explain any of these things to my Mom… shock or smile, either would be terrific. Oh fuck me, I’ve gone all maudlin. Pass the pills.
November 16, 2011 at 9:20 pm
You and me, both.
November 17, 2011 at 6:30 pm
I played Khia’s “My Neck, My Back” for my grandmother and she insisted that it couldn’t be a real song, that I had paid a friend to sing it.
November 16, 2011 at 8:59 pm
I got to explain to my 55 year old mom how to do a keg stand. Also, I explained what a merkin was. I don’t get to explain things to my dad because he knows EVERYTHING. I don’t know whether to be ashamed or in awe.
November 17, 2011 at 10:04 am
Yeah, cuz them 55-year-olds are soooooooo out-of-touch, it’s like they’re stone-aged, or somethin’.
November 17, 2011 at 12:51 pm
I’m in my 30′s and I still have to go to urban dictionary to look up some of the stuff I come across. So a 55 year old doesn’t know how to do a keg stand…but I bet she has actually memorized people’s phone numbers because she had to before all the smart phone whosiwhatsits.
November 17, 2011 at 11:52 pm
Hey now, I’m 24 and I still regularly have to look things up on Urban Dictionary. Kids and their slang these days. :-p
November 17, 2011 at 7:39 am
My dad works with a bunch of younger guys so they will talk about the horrible things on the internet and then he wants me to show him. I have to tell him he doesn’t want to see any of it.
November 17, 2011 at 8:15 pm
My dad’s college students told him that Saw was a brilliant whodunit. Thankfully I talked him out of renting it. I think he might have tried to fail them all if he’d actually watched it.
November 16, 2011 at 7:17 pm
I explained “the shocker” to my mother yesterday. Fun conversation what was.
November 17, 2011 at 7:39 am
Oh god, I had to explain that one to my mother in a store, because she saw it on a tshirt. No amount of “no mom, you REALLY don’t want to know” would dissuade her.
November 16, 2011 at 7:34 pm
Sometimes I talk about Regretsy in front of my parents. My dad then googled it to see what it’s all about. The first post that pops up was this one:
http://www.regretsy.com/2011/08/29/camel-joe-nsfw/#comments
November 16, 2011 at 7:50 pm
Well that was no way to ease him into it, was it? He just wanted to dip his toes in and the poor guy got thrown off the deep end.
November 16, 2011 at 8:29 pm
You’re among friends. You mean he clicked on the link you had bookmarked, right?
November 16, 2011 at 9:12 pm
Haha, nah, I assume they don’t know how to use Chrome. They’re still in the Dark Ages (aka Internet Explorer).
November 16, 2011 at 8:47 pm
I had to explain what the “shocker” was to my dad one time. Over Thanksgiving dinner. He insisted after I almost died laughing when he asked what it was.
November 17, 2011 at 7:27 am
TOLD her? a picture is worth a thousand words, even if all of them are terrible, terrible words. You should have SHOWN her goatse on your fabulous new apple.
November 16, 2011 at 6:33 pm
I hope I get the bonus Chihuahua package!
November 23, 2011 at 3:19 pm
But hopefully not the bonus package from the Chihuahua.
November 16, 2011 at 6:33 pm
Your mom is awesome.
November 16, 2011 at 6:34 pm
I love when you post stories of your mom, she cracks me up!
November 17, 2011 at 2:28 pm
I seriously didn’t even see her until I read this post for the 2nd time…super-cool invisible-ninja moms
November 16, 2011 at 6:34 pm
You obviously need a new section on Regretsy called ‘shit my mom says’
November 16, 2011 at 6:34 pm
Agreed. She is completely hilarious.
November 16, 2011 at 8:16 pm
Motherfuckery!
November 17, 2011 at 8:29 am
That needs to be the title.
Also – 1) your dad looks as if he thoroughly knows his place and 2) I told my mother about spunkbubbles after the Sam Cornwell rant. I wish I had your mom.
November 17, 2011 at 5:52 pm
I’ll second that emotion.
November 16, 2011 at 6:34 pm
Wish my parents were cool like that. Mostly they just talked about how they were willing to do whatever it took to protect their kids from terrorism, while I, their son, was in uniform and in Baghdad. THANKS DAD.
November 16, 2011 at 8:57 pm
Actually, thank you.
November 16, 2011 at 9:12 pm
Indeed.
November 17, 2011 at 10:05 am
My American parents once told me not to get dual citizenship with Canada because it was unpatriotic and we might go to war with Canada and then “where would I be, huh?” (I was living in Canada for two years). I tried to explain to them how Canadian healthcare worked and they insisted that regular Canadians gutless good care than I did “because Canada wants to impress Americans” : /
November 17, 2011 at 10:06 am
Damn keyboard- “”gutless” should read “get less”
November 17, 2011 at 1:21 pm
If we go to war with Canada, I’m defecting to the Great White North.
November 17, 2011 at 5:23 pm
Oh, that’s why there’s an American’s Keep Right sign at the hospital. I wondered.
November 16, 2011 at 6:34 pm
When you come to Australia on your next “Club Fuckery Tour” could you please bring your mum? She sounds awesome!
November 16, 2011 at 6:55 pm
I support this wholeheartedly because it encourages HK ad BD to come “down under”!
November 16, 2011 at 10:25 pm
Also agree – plus it’s warm here now!!
Well, not today – today the weather is complete shit; but mostly…
November 16, 2011 at 10:33 pm
Funny you should mention it… this is exactly what we’re planning.
November 17, 2011 at 2:48 pm
Some tips – in Oz, thrift stores are called Opportunity Shops, and anything involving pensioners and craft should be investigated. I can warmly recommend my local village, Tallangatta – The Town That Moved in the Fifties! (and not since) – for its free-range day care centre, The Hub, as I know you have a taste for disturbing knitted toys, hand painted china and tea-cosies.
November 16, 2011 at 6:35 pm
I will pay you handsomely if you send me your mom AND the dog, April. And if you like, I will be happy to send you one of my dogs in exchange. I’ll even include the toy she has to have when she sleeps.
November 16, 2011 at 6:38 pm
Heck, I’ll top that. Send me your mom and the dog and I will send you my dog and MY mom in exchange. I actually really adore my mom, but she’s probably kind tired of my pre-holiday histrionics at this point. I’m assuming your mom will either kill me and put me out of my misery or make me laugh so hard I won’t care about the holiday death spiral.
November 16, 2011 at 7:06 pm
I’ll give you my sister-in-law for free. I don’t want anything in return; I just don’t like her.
November 16, 2011 at 7:08 pm
You and I may be siblings.
November 16, 2011 at 10:48 pm
Can I send my step-grandma along with her? She committed a grievous crafting sin I still haven’t forgiven her for two decades later. (This is actually true.)
November 17, 2011 at 7:37 am
What did she do? I must know!
November 17, 2011 at 9:27 am
My grandmother made beautiful quilts, and left behind about three nearly finished quilt tops when she passed away. My grandfather just put all of her sewing stuff in a closet, because he didn’t really know what to do with it.
Several years later, he married step-grandma, she found the quilt tops, and cut them up to use in making her tacky-ass vacuum cleaner cover dolls, door hangers, and other kitschy crap. Didn’t even ask if anyone wanted them. I was only like 13 or 14 at the time, and didn’t know how to quilt, but my aunt really did want to finish them, had she known they were in that closet.
November 17, 2011 at 11:25 am
Hmm, can’t seem to reply to you directly e_green so i’ll just reply to myself.
That is horrible! How could she not even ask if someone wanted them? And then to cut them up for that crap? I’m so sorry. I’ll help you ship her off with HK and Bronc if you want!
November 17, 2011 at 11:41 am
E_Greene—oh, she IS horrible. She probably didn’t even ask your grandfather about them. Bitch needs to be shipped to Finland, wrapped in those horrible vacuum cleaner covers (seriously, if you’re not using the damn thing, it goes in the closet–you don’t dress up appliances!) and other fuckery.
I’m so sorry about what she did!
November 17, 2011 at 11:58 pm
That is absolutely awful. If anyone ever touches my grandma’s unfinished quilt I will gut them.
Thankfully, I have it. It’s in my closet because I don’t know how to quilt, but someday I’m going to finish it.
Your step-grandmother sounds like a horrible person.
November 18, 2011 at 1:10 am
Aww, thanks for your support, guys. The woman is obnoxious in a thousand ways, but that was the worst. We only noticed when she made me a kitty cat door hanger for Christmas, and my aunt noted that the piecework was “one of mama’s favorite patterns.” She told us it was one of her quilts like she was so proud of her ingenuity.
I still have the damn ugly thing, but I can’t really look at it. It’s like the remains of something she murdered.
November 17, 2011 at 7:29 am
I’ll add a mother-in-law for free too. Maybe a couple of difficult co-workers if there is room in the box.
November 16, 2011 at 6:35 pm
And thus, a brilliant day was had with the parental units… >.<
November 16, 2011 at 6:36 pm
Oooh, the sight of all those packages is giving me a tingly feeling in my pants.
It’s nice to see you’re catering to those of us who asked for our packages to be slightly scented with dog too. So caring.
November 16, 2011 at 6:36 pm
That chihuahua is never going to fit in that manilla envelope. You are going to need a box for it.
November 16, 2011 at 6:37 pm
What if you cut a hole in the bott
November 16, 2011 at 6:38 pm
Wow…my cat totally prevented me from finishing that line by jumping on the keyboard.
Apparently, he knows my thoughts and did not wish me to share them.
November 16, 2011 at 7:30 pm
At first glance, I thought you said, “…cut a hole in the butt.” Cutting holes in butts? What did I miss? Then I put on my glasses.
November 16, 2011 at 7:47 pm
No, she started to tell us about a Goatse shortcut.
Just cut a hole in the butt – instant Goatse! Stretching not required!
November 16, 2011 at 8:38 pm
Wonder how Jackie would read that butt?
November 17, 2011 at 4:05 am
“I can tell there has been some trauma in your past…”
November 18, 2011 at 12:01 am
I think we should start a pool for HKs and Bronc’s wedding present…a matched pair of butt-ology readings! Only don’t tell Jackie who they really are.
November 16, 2011 at 7:58 pm
Probably why her dad kept getting fired. I mean, everyone knows you ship Chihuahuas in bubble envelopes.
November 16, 2011 at 6:36 pm
I love knowing that your mother is handling my package.
November 16, 2011 at 6:40 pm
HEY WAIT A MINUTE
November 16, 2011 at 6:48 pm
She’s aces. I don’t even know how you’d begin to explain goatse to anyone. Any time I try to explain it, it just sounds like I’m making up drug addled lies.
November 16, 2011 at 6:58 pm
I’ve had to explain it to my husband several times because he keeps repressing the knowledge, and each time he gets so confused. I just have to show him the picture. Then he shoves it back into the deepest recesses of his brain until next time.
November 16, 2011 at 8:30 pm
If anyone asks, just send them this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Goatse
Strangely enough, I just recently had to tell my mom and sister about it. My sister was brave enough to look at the actual picture, and I think she’s okay, but she may also be plotting revenge.
November 16, 2011 at 8:45 pm
I haven’t looked at the actual picture. These things have a horrific way of scarring me beyond repair.
November 16, 2011 at 9:08 pm
Wiki and Urban Dictionary are where I go to to learn these things without being scarred for life.
November 16, 2011 at 11:26 pm
Oy, Jeannette, I feel your pain. I’d already been to rotten.com, but I Googled tubgirl on advisement, and it cannot be unseen.
When “2 Girls, 1 Cup” came around, I was content to wait for the inevitable Wikipedia description to sate my curiosity.
November 17, 2011 at 7:29 am
I have not seen tub girl. I don’t know anything about it except that everyone who HAS seen it seems to have been traumatized by it. So I’m going to stay here in the realm of blissful unawareness.
November 17, 2011 at 10:41 am
people – Urban dictionary = no photos.
November 17, 2011 at 10:52 am
Yes, Urban Dictionary has been very helpful to me over the years. Although I do wish I hadn’t looked up Alabama Hot Pocket.
(If you don’t know what that is, you don’t want to know.)
November 18, 2011 at 12:03 am
Why did you have to remind me that I knew what and Alabama Hot Pocket was? (I repressed that knowledge). I keep trying to tell myself that a Bill Cosby Sweater is the worst one I know. (It’s really nowhere near the worst though).
November 16, 2011 at 11:20 pm
When I tried explaining goatse to my mom (age 67), she asked if I was doing drugs again.
I finally said, “Mom, you don’t have the Internet; you don’t understand. The worst things in the world? They’re all online. Every one of them. And I’ve seen a lot of them.”
Then I explained Rule 34 to her, which she thought made perfect sense.
I did show her Lemon Party, however, which made her laugh so hard she peed her pants. I don’t know how we’re going to manage it when I introduce her to LOLCats.
November 16, 2011 at 11:33 pm
Depends?
November 17, 2011 at 6:47 am
I explained goatse to my boyfriend and he went on a goatse google spree for half a day.
November 17, 2011 at 10:31 am
How does one go on a “goatse spree”? Did he run up to complete strangers and say, “Hey, watch this!” and then goatse them?
November 16, 2011 at 6:36 pm
I think the dog is trying to give a demonstration of a horse’s head in bed with the materials at hand.
November 16, 2011 at 6:37 pm
You have awesome parents.
November 16, 2011 at 6:37 pm
We used to have a tenant whose house looked like that second photo every day. It was a giant house, but you had to walk through aisles to get anywhere in it. I recall that memory for my mom any time she tries to call me a hoarder.
November 16, 2011 at 6:38 pm
Didn’t you tell your mother what a Goatse was in the middle of a store because of a throw pillow a while back?
I had that conversation with my own mother, in which she just raised an eyebrow and walked away.
November 16, 2011 at 6:41 pm
If I did, neither of us remembered. It was fresh and new all over again!
November 16, 2011 at 7:26 pm
The fun never ends!
November 17, 2011 at 7:32 am
goatse is like that.
November 16, 2011 at 6:38 pm
“There was also a heated debate over what CF4L stands for, despite the fact that I repeatedly told her that C does not stand for “cock.””
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! it’s like trying to talk to my own mom!
November 16, 2011 at 6:41 pm
I am in awe of you people and your cool mothers…Mine would have thought that the C stood for Cock and it was a sign of male repression, then banned me from this fine web page…
November 17, 2011 at 1:27 pm
How is ‘cock’ a sign of male repression? Don’t many women WANT cock? And lots of it?
November 16, 2011 at 7:34 pm
I told my mom that CF4L stood for “Club Fun…” She thought it was about time I joined a nice organization.
November 16, 2011 at 7:50 pm
My white lie is: “Club Fun 4 Lefties” since I’m a leftie. She’s a rightie, so she can’t look at the website.
Whew!
November 16, 2011 at 6:40 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
November 16, 2011 at 6:46 pm
It means Crap Forward For (4) Linguistics.
November 16, 2011 at 6:51 pm
Christ followers for life.
November 16, 2011 at 7:08 pm
Amen sistah!
November 16, 2011 at 9:10 pm
Especially if Christ is appearing on a dog’s butt. Borrowing this from HEN over on the forums:
http://www.dangerousminds.net/comments/jesus_christ_spotted_on_dogs_butt
November 16, 2011 at 7:05 pm
Cum farts for llamas?
November 16, 2011 at 7:05 pm
CF4L means: Circumcised Fraternity 4 Lactation
November 16, 2011 at 7:07 pm
clam
farts
4
loosers
November 16, 2011 at 7:08 pm
*losers*
November 16, 2011 at 7:09 pm
Clam farts for loosers would sound different than they would for losers.
November 16, 2011 at 7:35 pm
Go ask Jackie Stallone, she’s a big fan.
November 16, 2011 at 7:36 pm
I believe it is:
Copious Fornication 4 Lobsters
November 16, 2011 at 7:37 pm
Constantly Frankenberries for Lunch
November 16, 2011 at 7:38 pm
Cunt Fucking 4 Lesbians.
November 16, 2011 at 7:44 pm
Corona, fajitas & 4 limes.
November 16, 2011 at 7:47 pm
Can’t finagle 4 Lincolns.
November 17, 2011 at 10:43 am
can’t finance 4 Lincolns
November 16, 2011 at 8:12 pm
Clever Fuckery 4 Lactards
November 16, 2011 at 8:55 pm
Clip
Foreskins
4
Lunch
November 16, 2011 at 9:11 pm
Rabbi? Is that you?
November 16, 2011 at 6:40 pm
Aside from the total awesomeness of your mom… your dad has a killer head of hair! You should shear him annually and send those po’ folks that use human hair for their product some decent material!
November 16, 2011 at 6:42 pm
Can you believe that shit? He’s like a Grand Ol Opry star or something.
November 16, 2011 at 7:13 pm
Do you think he’d mind if I patted it? It looks springy.
When I was little, my grandpa had hair like that, and he let me put it in dozens of spiky little pony tails and then fluff it back up again.
November 16, 2011 at 8:50 pm
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November 17, 2011 at 9:44 am
psst.. paul winchell died in 2005, that is her stepdad above
November 18, 2011 at 9:41 am
April called him her father. I don’t think it’s necessary for us to change that to stepdad. I call my stepfather “Dad” and my biological father “Bio-Dad” and I don’t need people to point out that actually, technically, dude’s not really my father.
November 16, 2011 at 6:43 pm
Your parents sound awesome.
“No one is looking at my ass, I’m Sicilian. You tell a Sicilian woman you want to look at her ass, you find a horse’s head in your bed.”
Seriously, made my day.
November 16, 2011 at 7:39 pm
Actually I’m favoring
“I think she should pay people to look at her face.”
November 16, 2011 at 8:19 pm
I read that and all I could hear was Estelle Getty saying, “Picture it, Sicily, 1923…”
November 17, 2011 at 8:56 am
I’m so excited to find out you’re part Sicilian! My husband’s mother is Sicilian, too. – But she’s not nearly as much fun as yours.
November 16, 2011 at 6:44 pm
My mom would have assumed the C was for “cunt.” She taught me that word when I was 8 and complained that boy parts had more fun dirty words than girl parts.
Also I got my WTF pill box today and everyone I know is jelly. The bonus is that I won’t have to try to remember if I took my psych meds on days when I feel extra crazy.
November 16, 2011 at 7:12 pm
I saw this today. Yes, I actually ventured into an Urban Outfitters. I felt like an IRS auditor at a girl scout camp.
http://www.urbanoutfitters.com/urban/catalog/productdetail.jsp?id=22145387&itemdescription=true&navAction=jump&color=035&selectedProductSize=false
November 16, 2011 at 7:47 pm
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November 17, 2011 at 5:43 pm
WTF is perfectly acceptable Christmas ornament. It means on Wed. Thurs, and Fri. Christ was in the cave or whatever, and then on Saturday he was risen. Oh wait. That’s easter. Holy shit, that’s some blasphemy there!
November 17, 2011 at 9:06 pm
Wasn’t the ‘rising’ supposed to be a Sunday? The execution Friday? So, FTS, or Fuck This Shit?
November 16, 2011 at 7:58 pm
Awh, if I wasn’t morally opposed to giving those shitfucks money I’d totally want one!
November 16, 2011 at 8:19 pm
Maybe we need to start an “iWant” thread in the forums. Can anyone else make these for a reasonable price?
November 16, 2011 at 9:22 pm
I can make ANYTHING out of polymer clay. Let me see what I can come up with. Stay tuned.
November 17, 2011 at 6:27 am
Your mom never listened to George Carlin. He must’ve had at least 200 different phrases referring to nether-regions.
November 16, 2011 at 6:48 pm
I think I’m in love with your parents! My mom just about gave birth to a baby animal today because I let my 4yo watch Jurassic Park. Quick, someone call children’s services on me.
November 16, 2011 at 6:57 pm
Seriously? As a teenager I helped chaperone a class of 2nd graders watching that in the theater. One girl cried and had to leave, but the little boy next to me was alllll about me describing the stuff they left out from the book in whispers.
November 18, 2011 at 12:13 am
As a parent, is here is some perverted pleasure to be had in scarring your kid for life by showing them violent films? Wait, I forgot what forum I’m on…
November 16, 2011 at 8:36 pm
That’s funny – I was just thinking the other day that I need to let my 5-year-old watch it. Would have done it even sooner if I’d thought of it.
He just recently watched “Goblet of Fire,” too. Didn’t seem the least bit fazed by it, even the scary bits at the end.
November 16, 2011 at 9:14 pm
Thank you for spelling fazed properly! It’s one of my pet peeves. I have three cats and many peeves (though not a Peeves, fortunately).
November 17, 2011 at 7:31 am
You’re welcome. That’s one of mine too.
Along with people saying they were “pouring” over a book. *shudder*
November 17, 2011 at 10:46 am
don’t get me started on voila vs waa laa. **shudders**
November 17, 2011 at 10:56 am
Or “per say” (sometimes written as one word).
November 16, 2011 at 6:48 pm
Please tell me you didn’t SHOW them what goatse is. No mom should be subjected to that website or photo. Show her the cross stitch version.
November 16, 2011 at 11:51 pm
Or a needle-felted eclair soap version:
November 16, 2011 at 6:49 pm
Regretsy: putting the elderly to work since 2011. God bless.
November 16, 2011 at 6:50 pm
Who ordered the dog urine scented copy of the book? For they truly get it.
Also, yeah – your Mom makes me happy.
November 16, 2011 at 9:15 pm
Not me. The cats would go nuts. The boykitty might spray it just to say “No! It’s MINE!!!”
November 17, 2011 at 6:25 am
My cat peed on a brand new knitting pattern book. I don’t think she wanted me to make a particular hat.
November 16, 2011 at 6:50 pm
What a nice thing for your folks to help you guys out!
PS. Will we get an update on total in the charity fund after everything is sold and done? It’s gotta be getting up there.
November 16, 2011 at 6:51 pm
Aw crap! Now The Boy thinks he is getting a bonus puppy! Thanks April!
November 16, 2011 at 6:53 pm
I, too, was the one to introduce my mother to the word goatse, but I didn’t do so on purpose. I had copied a link to let me google that for you with the query term as goatse to send to a friend to amuse myself/violate them. (http://lmgtfy.com/?q=goatse if anyone else wants to have some fun, too.) I then found a link I wanted to send to my mother. Probably a cat video, but that’s neither here nor there. Well, I was too drunk or something and didn’t properly copy the new link. I pasted what was on my clipboard into Mom’s IM window and happily pressed enter. I immediately realized my fail and said, “DON’T OPEN THAT!” My brother was with her at her computer, and decided it’d be fun to watch this unfold, so he said, “Go ahead. Click it.” I violated my own mother. She’s not easily offended, so I think she was more confused and appalled that I would know what goatse is. Um … oops?
November 16, 2011 at 7:17 pm
I haven’t had chortley tears in a while. Thanks Evil Hair.
November 16, 2011 at 6:55 pm
Did you tell your mom goatse was when the rest of the horse is in the bed?
November 16, 2011 at 7:00 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
November 16, 2011 at 7:02 pm
I like them. Suddenly… I am up for adoption…
November 16, 2011 at 7:35 pm
Me too. She can consider all of us fat jealous losers her tribe.
November 16, 2011 at 7:53 pm
I’m an orphan, so I’m totally up for grabs!
(OK so maybe I was in my 20s when my dad died and in my 40s when my mom died, but I’m a person without parents, so I’m an orphan, damnit!))
I’m really well behaved…and I like dogs…and whimsicle fuckery…make some mean rum balls…and have been known to make people laugh—WITH me…and I like to do things for people…oh, and I’m half Sicilian (I could name the village my dad came from), so there’s that. Hell, I’d be willing to change my last name. I’ve had this one for coughharumphcough years and am tired of spelling it out for people.
Call me!
November 16, 2011 at 7:05 pm
There are two things I look forward to in any given day – ESPN’s Around The Horn and seeing what’s going on at Regretsy. My formative years were in the 70s which brought the world decopage, foil applique, macrame, and coke-bottle-cutting-to-make-wine-glasses. WHERE WAS THE REGRETSY VOICE OF SANITY THEN? Thanks for waging war on all things shitty.
November 17, 2011 at 11:09 am
Tony Kornheiser!
November 17, 2011 at 11:39 am
Are you dissing macrame? The 70′s didn’t invent macrame, knot work is an ancient art form. Save the macrame owls!
I love macrame!
Put another knot in the jute now, baby!
I love macrame!
So come and double half hitch with me.
November 16, 2011 at 7:05 pm
Awwww, that’s sweet. Treasured family memories of cocks and goatse and lots of envelopes.
People who come from funny families, become funny. It was expected in my house to be sarcastic… and now I’ve passed that gift onto my own children.
November 17, 2011 at 5:00 pm
I dunno, man… my MIL had a baby when she was a teen, placed the baby for adoption the day of delivery, and then when they reunited 35 years later, the now-grown child mentioned she had always gotten in trouble for her smartass sense of humor, and no one in her adoptive family ever knew where she got it. What she has is EXACTLY my MIL’s sense of humor! It’s freaky.
November 16, 2011 at 7:06 pm
OMG you step-dad is rocking a super mo! Kinda Howard Keel from Dallas stache! So your mom has aced us all again!
November 16, 2011 at 7:07 pm
Gotta say it again….SUPER MO!
November 16, 2011 at 7:07 pm
Your stepdad is Kurt Vonnegut reincarnated. I think I’m in love. But since I’m 33 and your mother isn’t, I have a feeling she’d win that competition hands down. I just hope she realizes how hot it is to sleep next to a man who looks like Kurt Vonnegut.
November 16, 2011 at 7:08 pm
I am SO GOOD at stuffing envelopes! I’m like the DaVinci of envelope stuffing. (It says so right at the top of my résumé: “like the DaVinci of envelope stuffing.”) Your mom would never even think of firing me several times a day. That’s why you should go ahead and fly me down there to help package stuff.
November 16, 2011 at 7:12 pm
I’ve been reading this site since the beginning. This is my first time actually drinking and browsing. It really IS better!
November 16, 2011 at 7:17 pm
It took me entirely too long to realize that it was in fact your mother standing in front of your china cabinet and not some sort of disembodied head decor fuckery hanging out in the middle of your dining room. Somehow my brain subconsciously could not come to grips with the idea that your dining room is so.. normal.
November 17, 2011 at 1:58 pm
I know, I’m getting a lot of questions about it today.
The secret to a house full of fuckery not looking like a house full of fuckery is to have at least one room within eyesight that is largely fuckey free.
November 16, 2011 at 7:20 pm
Because I had sent my mom a link to the Halloween costume post, I had to explain Regretsy and all it encompasses to my mom the other week.. It was a long afternoon. Her response to the whole Jackie Stallone thing “She must not be making much money. At 600 a pop her face looks like Joan River’s bajingo.” then she asked me if she used the word bajingo in proper context.
November 16, 2011 at 7:48 pm
Another gold star mom!
November 16, 2011 at 8:22 pm
Ick… wrong usage. A “Gold Star Mother” is one who’s lost a child in the armed forces.
November 16, 2011 at 11:13 pm
Oops, you are right. Let’s go with another awesome mom.
November 16, 2011 at 7:24 pm
I WANT MY FLASK!!!!!!!!!!!
It’s a fucking drag having to drink out of the sippy cup I stole from the kid downstairs. Little fucker learned better than to make mud pies on my porch, though.
November 16, 2011 at 7:27 pm
Man! The smarter parent would have raised you to be a lazy underachiever with no goals so they don’t have to work to see you! Maybe I need to rethink this raising my kids to be well educated, and hard working; perhaps hamburger flippers is a good goal. Then at least I can sit on my arse and have them make me a big mac. Thanks for showing me the error in my ways. :0)
November 16, 2011 at 7:28 pm
I am jealous you can talk to your parents like that.
My parents are certified prudes; sex doesn’t exist, swearing is shocking, the concept of dirty jokes is completely alien to them, and I would probably be banned from the family if I ever had to explain Goatse.* Plus my grandmother once had a panic attack because a news anchor said “rape.” So I was raised in a pretty sterile environment, but obviously, my upbringing didn’t take, judging by my presence here.
* I just tried to imagine what would happen if I had to explain Goatse to my parents. I think a hemisphere of my brain exploded.
November 16, 2011 at 7:45 pm
Snerk. Granny needs a Valium to visit this website lol
November 18, 2011 at 12:21 am
Maybe you’re really adopted, and this is all just your genes showing through…
November 16, 2011 at 7:45 pm
Your parents are full of WIN. And so are you. Perkele.
November 16, 2011 at 7:46 pm
I thought it was fun when my sister and I were discussing camel toe and had to explain it to my mother. I never thought to bring up goatse. But, this is a woman who at 70 laughted hysterically as we baked anatomically correct Christmas cookies. I’m hatching a plan for the wreath cutouts this year.
November 16, 2011 at 7:48 pm
I can just imagine the convo your parents are having in that picture…and it makes me laugh
November 16, 2011 at 7:50 pm
Wait, wait, wait. You give us a transcription of telling your mom about Rumpology, but we don’t get a transcription of the goatse telling??
Denied!
November 16, 2011 at 7:52 pm
Have you shown your Mom Meatspin yet? That ought to start an interesting conversation!
November 16, 2011 at 7:58 pm
So my husband asked me what voices your Dad did, so I head to Google of course and what do I find? A clip of the Paul Winchell show featuring a tiny you. Wanted to let you know, you were fucking adorable.
November 16, 2011 at 8:04 pm
I love your mom. Can you clone her and make her the next Kickstarter reward?
November 16, 2011 at 8:26 pm
Whaddya MEAN it’s a real chihuahua??? I just figured out where the batteries go!!!
November 16, 2011 at 8:43 pm
Today I told my mom I was a porn star. or rather:
Me: Mom, if I told you I was a porn star, you’d probably tell everybody, right?
Mom: Like I didn’t already know. And yes, I already told everybody.
November 16, 2011 at 9:01 pm
I call the package that ends up having a chihuahua in it!
November 16, 2011 at 9:02 pm
The dog is not distracting us from the truth: These photos are fakes.
Everybody knows April has a Boston Terrier. That’s no Boston Terrier.
You see that china cabinet in the background? With the tastefully uniform off-white pitchers? There’s not a Spock cookie jar among them. No obscene samplers, no Star Wars plates, not even a Royal Wedding Night plate. This looks like what a set designer would throw together for a “craft blogger’s house” set. Do you really think the woman who brought us Regretsy would have so benign a china cabinet?
The missing “she” in “[...]because didn’t like the way he stuffed envelopes.” must be a clue encoded in the post to suggest that “she” (=April) is missing. I don’t know for sure who would kidnap her, but I’ve narrowed it down to the Stallone family, the Jews, or snoodmakers.
Is nobody paying attention???
November 16, 2011 at 9:16 pm
All clues have been planted to distract you from the truth—it’s not the Stallone family (by the way, Frank’s a plant and needs to be watered frequently—true story), the snoodmakers, or the Atlantians. We all know, without a scintilla of a doubt, that the guilty group is
Please disregard the above message. Ignore it. It didn’t happen. It’s not there. You’re not reading it. You’re not reading this. I don’t know who is writing this. Or this.
November 16, 2011 at 9:31 pm
@Rushgirl2112 – He absolutely loved it! He’s now seen all 3 thanks to cold, rainy Ohio weather. I warned him that it might be scary, but he said, “I’m not scared of dinosaurs, only super scary stuff like shadows in the dark.” Good reasoning kiddo!
November 17, 2011 at 10:56 am
That’s awesome.
November 16, 2011 at 9:53 pm
I am so fucking jealous of you right now, HKpril. I would love the kind of parents who debate the use of ‘cock’ in an acronym, and to whom I could explain goatse.
November 17, 2011 at 12:23 am
My parents are luddites of the first order, so the opportunity never arises. But I did get to explain what MILF meant to a bunch of (older) lefty, folk musician types. It was great; I got to use “fuckability” and “the male gaze” too. Then it degenerated into FILF, BILF etc… and the men got even more embarassed. har.
November 17, 2011 at 12:53 am
SO WHEN IS YOUR FAMILY’S REALITY SHOW? I’m not a fan of them. I hate reality tv, really.
If you had a show, though, it would be my only exception, and it would be a passionate exception at that, because I’d watch it all the damn time.
November 17, 2011 at 5:20 am
Last night I woke up with this thought:
WHAT is my daughter going to have to explain to me 20 or so years from now? *shudders*
November 17, 2011 at 5:20 am
I love your mom. She would get along great with mine..she is 74 and we had a texting convo the other day about whether or not we would blow Bill Clinton. She said he’d have to at least buy her dinner. While she loves poetry, it wouldn’t be enough .
November 17, 2011 at 5:30 am
Frankly, I don’t know anyone who wouldn’t. President Willie asks for a hummer, and it’s time for every good American to do her or his civic duty.
November 17, 2011 at 5:27 am
They’re already helping with kickstarter; you oughtta let ‘em do an article. At least for CF4L if not the main page, but I have a feeling they could royally rip up some creamy-cupcake Etsy batshittery.
November 17, 2011 at 8:33 pm
YES! Can your mom write an Op-Ed monthly? That would be epic!
November 17, 2011 at 5:39 am
As an Italian, I fully endorse this message.
Please have your mom call me so we can make the arraignments for the horses head.
November 17, 2011 at 5:44 am
That dog has such sad eyes! I will do its bidding.
November 17, 2011 at 6:45 am
OMG, your Dad is totes adorbs.
November 17, 2011 at 6:52 am
I got my holiday card the other day and I wanted to say, thank you!!!
I just need to find the best place for my CF4L Jesus fish now. Don’t want to waste it!!!
November 17, 2011 at 9:40 am
OK, I’m late to the party again, but had to add my 2 cents to ADORABLE PUPPY! and your dad’s beautiful hair. Gotta say, I’m hoping mine ends up that way in a few years. It’s already really saltnpepper throughout, and my dad’s is snowy white and thick.
Here’s looking to my role models!
November 17, 2011 at 10:07 am
I love your mom as well – she sounds like a really great lady.
I also like your helper in the box, who looks a bit guilty. Maybe.
November 17, 2011 at 11:35 am
I think you should let your mom write to Miss Cranky-Pants-Mother-of-God-Ass-Whisperer (aka Stallone’s mummy). It’s gonna be a word match of the century!
November 17, 2011 at 1:38 pm
I’m a lurker. But your mom’s comment about Sicilians made me laugh out loud, which made me feel compelled to register and announce that fact.
I’ll go away now. This has fulfilled my social interaction quota for the month.
November 17, 2011 at 2:20 pm
“No one is looking at my ass, I’m Sicilian. You tell a Sicilian woman you want to look at her ass, you find a horse’s head in your bed.”
Trufax.
November 17, 2011 at 2:25 pm
I LOVE YOUR MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
November 17, 2011 at 2:37 pm
oh, I just read this. Helen, I am not sure if I love you more or your Mum. But one of you makes me weep emotional tears into my wine. snif.
November 17, 2011 at 3:26 pm
Hahaha this made my day!
Your parents are adorable!
November 17, 2011 at 3:48 pm
I don’t care who stuffed the envelope with my card in it, I plan on using the “For Vaginal Use Only” stickers to seal the letters I send to my son who left for Basic Military Training last week! That way he’ll know they’re from Mom!
November 17, 2011 at 4:39 pm
I love your mother.
November 17, 2011 at 5:36 pm
wait, your mother is 81? The woman in the picture looks no older than 50. How old is your dad? Geez, people sure don’t age like they used to. Gives me hope.
November 17, 2011 at 9:40 pm
Holy crap…your mother is Sophia Petrillo isn’t she?
November 17, 2011 at 9:51 pm
Your mum is a total babe. I can only hope I’m as hot as her when I’m her age.
November 18, 2011 at 12:42 am
OMG! The ms. stallone exchange made me laugh & telling your parents what goatse is made me spit out my coke!
That totally reminds me of how much fun I had telling my reformed-partier-now-holyer-than-thou-mother that I make that great salary from working in phone sex! lol. I could tell the old party girl inside wanted to high five me while the new I’m-trying-to-get-into-heaven mom said she’d pray for me. lol. Parents are great!
November 18, 2011 at 9:10 am
Kinda reminds me of a recent conversation with my mom:
Mom: I don’t know why someone would give Gene Simmons his own show.
Me: I don’t know. I don’t watch it.
Mom: Have you seen his family?
Me: I don’t think so.
Mom: He’s ugly. They’re ugly. Who gives a shit?!
I laughed and laughed. That should be the show’s tagline.
November 18, 2011 at 4:00 pm
The Chinese reseller who posted this comment is a spammer, and wanted you to see pages and pages of shitty knockoffs made in sweat shops.
Instead, you’ll be seeing their email and IP addresses. If you have a blog, take the pre-emptive step of blacklisting them so they don’t shit all over your site.
zhang8084@hotmail.com
125.78.239.20
You may also wish to sign them up for Scientology auditing and Michelle Bachmann newsletters.
November 19, 2011 at 12:22 am
You have a great relationship with your parents April! Glad you’re having fun – I would have gone insane had I that many packages to send out
November 19, 2011 at 4:27 pm
Helen Killer, I love you and your parents. Adopt me.
November 21, 2011 at 3:02 pm
Love YOU. Love your Family….and omg you are fucking wonderfully crazy to have turned your home into a shipping company.
November 30, 2011 at 12:07 pm
I wish my parents were as cool as yours. *cries*