Stop or My Mom Will Shoot
A few months ago, I posted this piece about National Treasure Jacqueline Stallone, perhaps most famous for passing Sylvester Stallone’s giant cranium through her terrifying loins.
The post was about “Rumpology” – the sophisticated science of looking at someone’s ass and telling their fortune. Ms. Stallone has been offering this invaluable service for many years, though not exactly as a labor of love. She charges $600 to look at a photo of your blowhole, and really, you could get someone to lick it for that much.
To my amazement, Jacqueline responded to the post with a pretend Cease and Desist:
I’m not sure who she’s referring to when she says “we,” but her eyes have been pulled so tight that she probably sees two of everything at this point. Either that, or she was referring to her legal team.
In any case, I did what any normal person would do when Sylvester Stallone’s mother threatens legal action: I watched Judge Judy and fell asleep on the couch.
Then last night, I got an email from an eagle-eyed Regretsian, alerting me to a thousand word meltdown written and posted by the Taint Master™ herself.
Yes, Jacqueline Stallone has issued a response to my observations with a carefully constructed rebuttal, arranged in order of whinypants. Or as she puts it, “I’m picking up the glove.” I can’t tell you how much I appreciate that, and I’m hoping she can look for my keys while she’s down there.
Among the fantastic points she makes:
• Helen Killer may not be my real name
• Regretsy appears to be a play on words
• She’s a celebrity
There is such an embarrassment of riches here that it’s hard to know what to show you first. So I’ll just pick a few of my favorite passages, and you can read the rest on her web page once the Klonopin kicks in.
“On July 20, 2011, Ms. Killer… posted an article about me on her website called: Crack Head (NSFW), (NSFW is supposed to mean “Not Safe For Work”. Quite frankly, I don’t get the joke, if any, intended by the term.)”
THE INTERNET IS HARD
“I have since told her to cease and desist the use of my website images. I am not holding my breath expecting her compliance. But I can see my lawyers licking their lips and rolling their hands.. I’ll try to hold them off.”
Well, seeing as this piece has been up for four months, she’s either doing a very good job of controlling them or they’re really taking their time putting this case together. I can only hope she’s using Dennis Waldron’s lawyer, and they’re getting a break at Kinko’s.
“I require that people send me a printed copy of their digitally photographed (or any other method) picture. It helps, to put it bluntly, ‘keep out the riff raff’ and curtails the obvious danger in this type of work – that people will send me offensive material as their idea of a joke. Just look at Ms. Killer’s work to see why I am so careful!”
There’s a lot of technological mastery on display here, so try to keep up.
You take a picture of your ass with a camera, print it out, and put it in the mail. This requirement is put in place to keep out the riff-raff, and also because everyone knows you can’t print offensive images on paper.
“Ms. Killer then looks for another joke by saying… that I am still on dial-up. Again, how stupid does Ms. Killer think I am (by this point, she must estimate my intelligence to be slightly higher than that of a broken pencil.) By the way, the speed of my Internet connection is nobody’s business.”
Translation: I lost my internet connection while I was writing this because I got a phone call.
“Next, Ms. Killer decides that my website looks like it won a 1992 Geocities website Award. I can only take it from the tone of her entire piece that this is her attempt at insulting my Web designer.”
Well it’s more than an attempt really, but let’s not split hairs.
“Ms. Killer did not show a full screen shot of my website to back up her attempt at an insult. She simply made her claim and left it at that, thus bypassing any question of her opinion, failing to show the clear and easy navigation of the site, the interactivity, the music.”
I think if you’re going to argue that you maintain a sophisticated and well designed web site, you should start by citing the midi music that immediately starts playing the second the page loads, and cannot be stopped without firing a gun at your hard drive.
And she even has a few choice words for you!
“This is followed by 220 comments from her readers, some of which get even more insulting… She panders to the worst in human nature, and that is exactly what she gets.”
Ouch! That burns almost as much as that last liquid facelift!
I’m sure this is just the beginning of the complex legal wrangling that is bound to ensue now that I have escalated matters by pointing out how much Ms. Stallone is starting to look like Carrot Top.
The important thing is that this whole event is a lightning rod for her followers, who are no doubt rallying today.
The good news is, they can all fit in the same min-van.
- Read the entire freakout over here. But not all of you at once, because she only has 30 hours of AOL per month.
November 14, 2011 at 1:34 pm
OMG I just had an orgasm!!!! first time …
thank god for you April … God BLESS
November 14, 2011 at 2:11 pm
November 14, 2011 at 4:57 pm
Me too. First one…today…
“I must wonder, how clever it is to make fun of the work of others?”
She has to wonder? Really? Because this site is pretty clever, even with all you coleslaw gobbling, fat jealous loser slags ruining the smoke flow to etsy’s ass.
That cat turd writing (scroll down below) needs to be a font.
November 17, 2011 at 8:02 am
Maybe becoming a Cat Turd Whisperer is in your future. I mean, if they all shit in English then it’s easy money right?
Also, when I googled Jacqueline Stallone, the only other related search was Jocelyn Wildenstein. There’s a joke in there somewhere but reading that drivel caused my brain to short-circuit so I can’t really find it.
November 14, 2011 at 1:34 pm
I resent her implication that a broken pencil is any less smart than an intact one.
They are both pretty stupid.
November 14, 2011 at 1:56 pm
If you break a pencil you get two smaller pencils.
November 14, 2011 at 2:12 pm
http://youtu.be/4cy4SvQedA0
November 14, 2011 at 2:33 pm
2 pencils is smarter than 1.
November 14, 2011 at 6:52 pm
Yeah, but only one of them has an eraser.
I think Jackie got the half that didn’t.
November 14, 2011 at 2:07 pm
Once the pencil breaks, the lead leaks out and poisoning kicks in. It’s not the pencil’s fault, really, that its intelligence is reduced to the level of Jackie Stallone’s.
November 14, 2011 at 3:00 pm
I got stabbed in the leg with a pencil back in elementary school. I still have a little blue dot on my leg from it. I call it my first tattoo!
November 14, 2011 at 3:24 pm
Funny. I stabbed someone in the leg with a pencil in elementary school. She shouldn’t have been picking on me. Although now that I’m not 7, I feel really bad about it.
November 14, 2011 at 3:52 pm
Is anyone else imagining these two are talking about the same incident?
November 14, 2011 at 5:14 pm
God I hope so.
November 14, 2011 at 6:00 pm
Holy crap, I swear that is so my story, its creepy. I was stabbed in the 2nd grade with one of those stay-sharp pencils. I still have the blue dot in my knee. I was stabbed by my (very lazy and absentee) babysitter’s daughter, and the awesome part is that when I went upstairs to tell on her, I had to interrupt the main bitch in one of her hours-long phone calls. She practically growled at me “Whaddyawant?” I present my bleeding knee, and the next thing I know, the young bitch (Brandi, was her name) is being hauled up the stairs by the hair.
Redmjoel, I hope your name isn’t Brandi.
November 14, 2011 at 9:02 pm
Amber, are you from Ohio? Because… I also had a bitch of a babysitter whose insane little daughter (named Brandi) would do batshit crazy things to me.
November 15, 2011 at 7:41 pm
I feel bad because my name is Brandi. However, I promise I never stabbed anyone with a pencil.
November 14, 2011 at 9:26 pm
I was stabed in the leg by Matt in 2nd grade while we were sitting in front of the teacher! Who told Matt “I can’t believe you did that she could get lead posing!” to which Matt leaned over and whispered in my ear “I hope you die!”
Yeah my Iowa elementary school was kind of full of fucked up kids.
November 15, 2011 at 11:59 am
I stabbed another kid with my pencil in elementary school. The teacher freaked out about the lead poisoning risk. I calmly explained to her that pencils are graphite, not lead. This did not get me out of trouble.
November 16, 2011 at 8:37 am
I got stabbed in the hand with a pencil in second grade. I had finished my homework and the kid next to me hadn’t. Jokingly, he swung his pencil at me and I put my hand up to deflect it. He hadn’t expected me to move and so he accidentally stabbed me. He felt terrible, so I didn’t tell the teacher. I still have the mark on my hand, thirty years later.
November 25, 2011 at 11:33 am
I stabbed myself in the leg with a pencil in the second grade to get out of Math. It didn’t work. My teacher hated me, and she had bad breath.
November 14, 2011 at 10:38 pm
When my dad was in elementary school, he wrote a girl a poem that said, “There’s a snake in the grass, there’s a snake up my ass. Take it out, take it out, like a good girl scout!” The lead from her pencil is still in his hand over 50 years later.
November 15, 2011 at 6:31 am
I’m just surprised how many people have been stabbed with a pencil!
We need to start a fuckery support group.
November 15, 2011 at 4:14 pm
What sad is that I stabbed myself with a pencil by accident.
Twice.
(And I swear I was not a particularly clumsy kid.)
November 16, 2011 at 8:15 pm
I’m surprised with all these tales of pencil stabbery that One Million Moms hasn’t called for a ban on them in schools nationwide.
November 17, 2011 at 6:37 pm
Sadly, Rana, you are not alone. I also stabbed myself twice with a pencil as a child. We bought those giant pencils at Six Flags over Texas. Once home, we started drawing w/them. While walking between a dresser & a bed there wasn’t enough room for both me & the giant pencil. When we went to show my wound to my friend’s parent’s I accidently recreated it as I walked into the living room by walking too close to the wall. I ended up with the first snakebite tattoo. My daughter only thinks she is being unique with her snakebite lip piercing… she’s got nothing on me.
May 20, 2012 at 10:02 pm
I stabbed a homeless man.
No, that’s the whole story. No pencil involved.
November 14, 2011 at 2:21 pm
I resent her implication that we estimate her intelligence to be anywhere close that of a pencil, broken or otherwise.
November 14, 2011 at 2:55 pm
people still use pencils?
November 14, 2011 at 4:02 pm
I use mechanical pencils. Wooden ones make me itchy.
November 14, 2011 at 4:51 pm
she keeps them next to her abacus.
November 15, 2011 at 5:08 am
I not only use pencils, I write them off as business expenses. But I don’t like them.
November 15, 2011 at 6:06 am
I think I have some around here somewhere but I haven’t even used any for sketching lately *hugs her wacom tablet*
November 15, 2011 at 5:49 pm
Yes, for stabbing.
November 14, 2011 at 4:00 pm
Jacquline has become the butt of her own joke! All my comment lacks is a rim shot!
November 14, 2011 at 4:05 pm
http://instantrimshot.com/
November 14, 2011 at 4:28 pm
Ty but I ment the other one
November 14, 2011 at 6:07 pm
Seems right since she was already an ass.
November 14, 2011 at 5:59 pm
“by this point, she must estimate my intelligence to be slightly higher than that of a broken pencil.” I think that she flatters herself; I’m going to vote for the broken pencil.
November 14, 2011 at 7:47 pm
She is as dense as lead though.
November 14, 2011 at 8:10 pm
But not as useful.
November 15, 2011 at 3:11 am
…but just imagine TWO Scott Fitzgeralds, each using one half of a broken pencil, then,
FOUR Ernest Hemingways, each using one half of those two pencils,
then EIGHT Dorothy Parkers, then SIXTEEN James Thurbers, then THIRTY-TWO Alexander Woolcotts, and then …
November 14, 2011 at 1:37 pm
Truly an insult to Carrot Top.
Preach on, HK.
November 14, 2011 at 1:38 pm
I don’t know. If I had to choose between mailing a photo of my asscrack to Jacqueline Stallone or Carrot Top, I’d send it to Mrs. Stallone.
I mean that in the nicest possible way.
November 14, 2011 at 2:47 pm
Perhaps we should send Mrs. Stallone a picture of Carrot Top, and ask her for a reading. His face certainly looks like a freshly waxed anus.
November 14, 2011 at 1:41 pm
I had a friend in college who told us that his dad had slept with Carrot Top.
I’ve been traumatized ever since.
And now you can be, too!
November 14, 2011 at 1:55 pm
wait…what?
November 14, 2011 at 2:17 pm
1.) Why would anyone sleep with Carrot Top?
2.) Why would you brag about it to your kid? Isn’t that supposed to be the sort of secret that eats away at your soul for the rest of your life and then you take it to the grave with you?
November 14, 2011 at 3:08 pm
Wow, somebody slept with Carrot Top? Mind. Blown.
November 14, 2011 at 4:05 pm
So he’s a Carrot Top bottom or a Carrot Top top? Don’t knock the sex there’s bound to be a lot of props involved
November 14, 2011 at 7:39 pm
I didn’t think anything involving Carrot Top could make me laugh, but you’ve done it!
November 14, 2011 at 4:36 pm
Hell, my mind has been so abused today by this post, but I think there are a few uncorrupted brain cells left. Let’s go for broke, shall we?
So, Qui, dish—do the curtains match the rug? In other words, is he Carrot ONLY on Top?
November 14, 2011 at 1:51 pm
Burn! XD
November 14, 2011 at 1:37 pm
HK, this is outstanding. I’m just going to leave this here for you.
November 14, 2011 at 8:26 pm
Outstanding seems a little much for a website without frames.
November 14, 2011 at 9:07 pm
omg i actually HAD one of those! ah, the good ol’ days.
it didn’t cost a fortune to set up a website before Geocities and all that. we did it via Lynx in pure code, black and white, uphill in the snow, both ways, and we liked it! it was baudy.
November 14, 2011 at 1:40 pm
Her website looks a lot like the ones I made when I was a teenager. XD
November 14, 2011 at 1:44 pm
Ditto. Only, I still think mine were better. Even my first, which started as an homage to Hanson and the Spice Girls (and then became a total hard-on for BSB).
November 14, 2011 at 2:02 pm
my first thought in response to that was “how sad”, but then i remembered my letter-writing campaign to the spice girls and Bewitched.
November 14, 2011 at 8:27 pm
My first website was devoted to pi. The history, uses and first 10,000 digits.
God, I was such a nerd.
November 15, 2011 at 7:43 am
My first one was all about giant fiberglass chickens. And it looked a lot better than Rumpology.
November 15, 2011 at 3:49 pm
My first website was about Care Bears. On geocities. And it had frames.
November 14, 2011 at 3:21 pm
It’s called “Knowing your audience”….
November 14, 2011 at 1:40 pm
I can’t think of anything witty to say. This has left me speechless. But I can laugh my head off. BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
November 14, 2011 at 1:55 pm
November 14, 2011 at 1:57 pm
Don’t forget rolling their hands!
November 14, 2011 at 2:23 pm
November 14, 2011 at 2:39 pm
Excellent.
November 14, 2011 at 3:43 pm
lol, purrfect
November 14, 2011 at 4:56 pm
Wonderful!
November 15, 2011 at 11:31 am
Glad I’m not the only one that imagined her “lawyers” were just three cats staring at her because she was so full of butthurt she forgot to feed them.
November 25, 2011 at 11:35 am
LMFAO this cat looks like it has Jazz paws.
November 14, 2011 at 2:02 pm
and other places … not posting picture, mental image is enough
November 14, 2011 at 2:15 pm
November 14, 2011 at 4:06 pm
Oh Mrs Stallone, it’s always the thame old thong.
November 14, 2011 at 4:38 pm
November 14, 2011 at 10:20 pm
November 14, 2011 at 1:41 pm
It is too common of an occurance, that after a while you start to act and look like what you work with……
November 14, 2011 at 2:04 pm
Would explain my father in law. He works with electricity, and ignorant pricks.
November 14, 2011 at 2:49 pm
I’m trying to imagine the various applications of eletricity to treat ignorant pricks, then applying that to some sort of medical field.
November 14, 2011 at 4:00 pm
there is an electro-stimulation kink…
I’ll leave that there…
November 15, 2011 at 12:31 am
I had a friend who used to apply electricity to fruit bat pricks… she worked at a bat research center and one of the things she had to do was electro-ejaculate the poor guys. It was especially amusing since she was a virgin.
November 15, 2011 at 11:31 am
…Prickology?
November 14, 2011 at 1:41 pm
yes! oh thank you; yes. i needed that laugh today. my small children keep asking me, “mom, what are you laughing at?”
November 14, 2011 at 2:07 pm
tell them your rump lol
November 14, 2011 at 1:42 pm
Do you think she would accept a photocopy of my ass from last years office Xmas party?
November 14, 2011 at 2:10 pm
My question is, if my bajingo is also visible in my rump picture, do I get a discount or a higher rate?
November 14, 2011 at 3:21 pm
You really need to be wearing a Bajingo Shoehorn.
November 14, 2011 at 3:44 pm
I’ve been chomping at the bit to say this:
READ MAH LIPS!
Oh, I crack me up!
November 14, 2011 at 7:08 pm
You crack us up as well!
November 15, 2011 at 4:49 am
Awwww! Only because my fellow fat, jealous, loser slags are so inspirational! It has nothing to do with the drugs and booze! NOTHING!
November 14, 2011 at 4:07 pm
It depends, if it’s on paper, then you probably get a discount. If you email it, you will be reported to the authoratahs.
November 14, 2011 at 2:17 pm
Well, no, because her reading could only be what happened up to that Christmas party, not what’s happened since. She’ll be able to tell you about that time in the garage when you were 12, sure, but not what you did this past June (and we don’t need to go into any graphic details, do we?), so her reading wouldn’t be complete and certainly not worth the $600.
November 14, 2011 at 2:42 pm
November 14, 2011 at 2:50 pm
They didn’t like me! …They never liked me!
November 14, 2011 at 2:51 pm
This is beautiful.
November 14, 2011 at 3:17 pm
God! I just had ANOTHER!!!!!
this day is a blessing!
November 14, 2011 at 5:01 pm
fixed it for you:
Free Photo Editor
November 14, 2011 at 5:21 pm
Probably cuz his tears aren’t glittery enough.
November 14, 2011 at 8:23 pm
I would much rather take Riff Raff in, but maybe that’s just me.
November 14, 2011 at 2:51 pm
Ah, that was you? I just won the office betting pool!!!
November 14, 2011 at 1:42 pm
She got you here, April: “disgruntled people who can complain about the work of others, yet do nothing meaningfully creative of their own.” Cause it don’t work both ways. Rumpology is meaningful and creative! Voicing cartoons, having a radio show, running a website that has millions of hits and being just generally awesome is, of course, not.
November 14, 2011 at 2:07 pm
Wait a sec – She specializes in asses and her son Sly made a movie called “FIST?”
Coincidence? I think not!
November 14, 2011 at 5:31 pm
HMM I wonder what Ms Stallone’s rump reading would be on goatse..extra airy?
November 15, 2011 at 5:06 pm
Someone print that shit up and let’s send it to her.
November 14, 2011 at 2:20 pm
Ms. Stallone also said, of our April:
“…because she is NOT famous or well known for anything in particular…”
That made me wet my chair. (I spilled my drink.) I wish I were nearby when Ms. Stallone finds out how wrong she is.
No I don’t. I’m afraid some facial part would fly off and put my eye out, or something.
November 14, 2011 at 2:29 pm
And really, you don’t even have to try very hard to figure out not only that “Helen Killer” is a nom de net (as it were), but April’s not exactly trying to hide her identity in any way.
November 14, 2011 at 6:10 pm
That does assume an ability to read at above a 3rd grade level.
November 14, 2011 at 3:42 pm
Oh hell, I didn’t even know Sly had a mom before I came to this web site. I thought he was a clone of Arnold Schwarzenegger with a dash of New York. Shows you how well known she is.
November 14, 2011 at 5:33 pm
oh when I read her rant, I was going around the house saying duh duh duh!! Such derp.. time for vodka.
November 14, 2011 at 6:07 pm
Would it make me an asshole to point out EVERYBODY has a mom? SORRY.
Also, Sly is from Philly. My father went to high school with him, and according to my dad, “No one could understand a damn word he was saying then, either.”
November 15, 2011 at 9:52 am
If it does “make you an asshole,” I think we all know someone who’d be interested in taking a look at you.
November 14, 2011 at 5:41 pm
I just about died when I read that.
Of COURSE Helen isn’t famous, but April is! (PS Ms. Stallone, good job at figuring out the pen name) April voiced my childhood.
Also, I wish I was famous enough to be made fun of by April…
November 14, 2011 at 11:59 pm
But it’s not a web site! It is a blog disguised as a web site.
Because, as we all know, blogs are not web sites, and it takes something really special to make a real web site. (Like having 15 spare minutes.)
November 15, 2011 at 1:00 am
November 15, 2011 at 9:50 am
If she’s gonna spend her life looking at asses, she should expect a few nasty cracks.
I wonder if it’s possible to make this thread on Regretsy the first result for search terms: “Jacqueline Stallone Astrologer” Just idle speculation, mind you.
My evil twin wins nearly every showdown.
November 15, 2011 at 12:07 pm
“nasty cracks” made me blow coffee out my nose. thanks!
November 15, 2011 at 4:19 pm
You’re missing an “S” in that search string…
November 15, 2011 at 6:34 pm
You’re welcome Butts.
LOL Rana, probably!
November 16, 2011 at 6:52 pm
Don’t you mean Jacqueline Stallone ASStrologer?
November 14, 2011 at 1:42 pm
Scary Clown!!! SCARY CLOWN!!!!
November 15, 2011 at 12:35 am
Can’t sleep, clowns will read my ass… can’t sleep, clowns will read my ass…
November 14, 2011 at 1:42 pm
And why, pray tell, are there random periods throughout her sentences? WHY?
November 14, 2011 at 2:21 pm
Seriously. She’s way too old to be perimenopausal.
November 14, 2011 at 2:53 pm
It’s anal leakage.
November 15, 2011 at 7:14 pm
Either she still eats those “fat-free” potato chips with Olestra in them, or she’s been taking way too much Alli lately.
November 25, 2011 at 11:41 am
OMG OLESTRA! I used to work in a group home. The woman I took care of was immobile, diabetic, and had a diaper on. The people that helped her do her shopping insisted on getting her OLESTRA CHIPS. I cried the first time I saw her diaper after she ate some.
November 14, 2011 at 3:28 pm
I was wondering the same thing. Maybe she is typing with her ass?
November 14, 2011 at 4:02 pm
She. Went. To the. William. Shatner. School of acting.
November 14, 2011 at 4:59 pm
Pop just went up my nose reading that!
November 14, 2011 at 5:48 pm
I Think i got the idea from Elvis Duran in the morning. “When in doubt, go to Shatner…”
That’s how I was reading Jackie (as the ‘Shat), but in the voice of Betty White.
November 14, 2011 at 8:58 pm
I kept reading it like a telegram in a semi-feminine Sly Stallone voice.
“it claims. Stop. To have no affiliation with Etsy. Stop. It seems. Stop. To Use Etsy. Stop. Yo, Adrian!”
(I tried to type this out in a Stallone voice, but it came out looking something like “*holds nose* It clhdendeudn. Stop. Tnjedbdj ejenjdnshun jfendtsy. Stop..”)
November 14, 2011 at 1:42 pm
I love the sheer number of Regretsians who commented.
not gonna lie I was one of them
Can’t wait to see how this lolfest turns out.
November 14, 2011 at 2:28 pm
I’m surprised she hasn’t deleted all the true/Regretsy comments and/or closed the comments sections…then I had a thought: She’s going to count all of us as visitors to her site (hey, we sent her a whole 80 extra readers in August!)!
November 14, 2011 at 3:11 pm
Whoops, too late! She deleted all the comments up until those posted in the last few minutes.
Read ‘em quick, before she deletes!
November 14, 2011 at 3:46 pm
I’m getting screenshots. Evidence. Or a table runner, possibly.
November 14, 2011 at 4:23 pm
Well, those are now historical. She’s deleted all the comments and there’s no option to make a comment. So I voted the whole thing down. Shame she doesn’t read thumbs.
November 14, 2011 at 5:05 pm
can we get those screenshots? or at least the best of the best comments? I came way too late to the ass reading party.
November 14, 2011 at 5:35 pm
but rumps are fair game, right Mugsy?
November 14, 2011 at 7:03 pm
Thank you for doing what I never thought to do.
The Internet doesn’t forget.
November 15, 2011 at 5:19 am
Here’s what I got (link goes to an album with 5 images, a few of which are very large, despite being mercilessly cropped:
http://s1211.photobucket.com/albums/cc422/Postmenopaws/Rumpumpumpum/
I don’t claim it’s all inclusive, since I had to pee, eat, sleep, etc. and couldn’t haunt her site for long. Besides, it made my butt itch.
Since my Photobucket account is a freebie, its bandwidth goes poof fairly quickly. So please download these files to view at your leisure.
I posted as “BrailleRumpologist.”
April, you can take these if you want them, use them for some nefarious purpose. If you want the full-size .bmp shots, let me know (I’ll check back here).
November 14, 2011 at 3:12 pm
Update, she has! I read all of them, refreshed, and they were GONE. Gone like her beloved Geocities.
November 15, 2011 at 12:07 am
Like someone called “CF4L” quoting a bit of wisdom from her Finnish grandmother?
I thought I was going to die laughing.
November 15, 2011 at 11:01 am
They closed the thread due to trolling, and the CF4L comment is one of two that she KEPT.
Bless you, CF4L commenter.
November 15, 2011 at 12:37 pm
they closed the “coimments”
It just never ends.
November 14, 2011 at 1:43 pm
I absolutely LOVE that she actually quoted your use of “giant piñata head” to describe her own son!
!!!
!!!!!!
*joyfulheadsplodey*
November 14, 2011 at 4:49 pm
Me too.
I thought that she made it up (because I was ctrl-f-ing “pin” without the tilde, I couldn’t find it in the original article) which made it funnier to me.
November 14, 2011 at 1:43 pm
and also
what is up with that thing on her ear?
November 14, 2011 at 1:45 pm
That is to enhance her Rump Radar.
(TM)
November 14, 2011 at 1:43 pm
I’m surprised she didn’t break out the tried and true, “Someone might get upset and kill themselves,” while she was at it. I think she managed to pull out all the other phrases that have been used.
November 14, 2011 at 3:10 pm
Well she did leave this one out:
November 14, 2011 at 4:09 pm
That is so wrong in all the right ways.
November 14, 2011 at 4:22 pm
Holy shit… it’s… IT’S BEAUTIFUL
November 14, 2011 at 4:39 pm
I suffered for that art, Baby:
Collection of turds from the shelter kitties? Check!
Gloves? Check!
Gas mask? Nope.
November 14, 2011 at 4:56 pm
Your dedication inspires me to greatness! Or intoxication, I can’t remember. Whatever man.
Love the poo art.
November 14, 2011 at 5:07 pm
I have eight cats. And four catboxes. And a fresh box of latex gloves.
Trash pickup was this morning, which means I have no…materials…to work with at the moment.
But you have inspired me! I am licking my lips and rolling my hands as I gleefuly anticipate taking LOLCats to the next level.
I hope you are happy.
November 14, 2011 at 5:37 pm
holy crap, the next thing to sell on etsy for hobos and hoarders! complete with the nose twinging ammonia smell.
November 14, 2011 at 11:03 pm
MagicalRealist – Delighted! Can’t wait to see what you come up with. May I suggest seeing if they sell hazmat suits at your local Army surplus store before you begin? Voice of experience, the memory of that smell lingers.
November 15, 2011 at 9:09 am
I was going to do a similar CF4L reminder, but couldn’t bring myself to do it… lol
November 14, 2011 at 1:44 pm
Some people will just never get it. Ever. Evereverever. At least this explains her offspring. I barely found out about the existence of Frank Stallone, making me utter a phrase I never thought possible: “Sylvester is the smarter one”.
Side note- those earrings on the last picture… I sort of hate myself for liking them.
November 14, 2011 at 3:29 pm
I believe that to be the correct reaction to the earrings.
November 14, 2011 at 1:44 pm
i’m just dying that she thinks she is so clever because she figured out what NSFW means. it must have taken her 15 dial ups to finally connect to the internet and google that shit.
and my real name may or may not be amazeballs. her “lawyers” (AKA inbred children) are still trying to figure that one out
November 14, 2011 at 1:56 pm
And yet she can’t figure out why looking at pictures of peoples asses on the internet constitutes not safe for work.
But maybe only because that IS her work, so it’s encouraged?
As to the name, it’s funny that she repeatedly uses “he or she” at first (though the name Helen would indicate “she”) and then finally makes an executive decision that she must be a she, and switches to Ms. Killer for the remainder.
It’s really quite cute, all of it.
November 14, 2011 at 2:01 pm
I’m pretty sure she’s insinuating that “Helen” might be one of those people on the internet who aren’t who they say they are, though both her rhetoric and her cultural awareness could obviously be much improved.
November 14, 2011 at 2:32 pm
I’m shocked, shocked, I tell you–”Helen Killer” is not his/her real name? It’s such a shame that there isn’t a way to look for information stored on the World Wide Web.
Maybe IF there were a page where you could type in a phrase, such as “Helen Killer” and then press a command and send something in the computer (a hamster, maybe?) out to search allllllll the records and then wait, oh, a few hours, or even minutes, for a response–or more than one response? Wow. That would be an awesome application for a computer.
Oh, wait…
November 14, 2011 at 2:43 pm
Also there is a photo of April in the sidebar.
Though… that graphic does use her real name instead of the Helen pseudonym, and also you have to scroll down in order to see it. I get how that might be complicated.
November 14, 2011 at 2:56 pm
Geocities often had issues with the scroll bar working correctly when a midi file (or files) locked up.
November 14, 2011 at 2:14 pm
“And yet she can’t figure out why looking at pictures of peoples asses on the internet constitutes not safe for work.”
Nooooo! NSFW was a JOKE there! It had to be one! Even though she didn’t get it! Joke! HaHaHaHa!
(Seriously though, I read that and I think I have lost a half dozen IQ points.)
November 14, 2011 at 2:05 pm
Google? She probably used Altavista or Ask Jeeves.
November 14, 2011 at 2:15 pm
Or Dogpile.
November 14, 2011 at 2:47 pm
Don’t forget Lycos.
November 14, 2011 at 6:23 pm
WebCrawler.
November 14, 2011 at 9:40 pm
Infoseek.
November 15, 2011 at 1:04 am
Gopher.
November 15, 2011 at 5:44 am
Oh, god, LB, I used to use gopher. I had forgotten it existed until you mentioned it.
November 15, 2011 at 11:04 am
My dad was all about Webcrawler when I was a kid. I totally forgot about that!
November 15, 2011 at 2:40 pm
AOL keyword.
November 16, 2011 at 8:17 pm
Prodigy jumpword.
November 15, 2011 at 11:29 am
Netscape Navigator?
November 25, 2011 at 11:47 am
The company I work for doesn’t use computers. They use thin clients in which a general profile is applied (if that makes sense). There are TWO types of netscape navigator on it!
November 16, 2011 at 7:00 pm
OMG! Altavista? Why not WebCrawler while she’s at it? Oh wow. It still exists! It dates back to what, 1995?
November 14, 2011 at 1:44 pm
REGRET ETSY? I never thought of that!
November 14, 2011 at 2:03 pm
Man, it works so well I start to wonder if it was intentional… April must be some kind of word genius.
November 14, 2011 at 3:39 pm
You mean like the Wile E. Coyote cartoons where he could talk?
“Sooooper genius.”
November 15, 2011 at 5:43 am
I remember those! Y’know for a “Sooooooper genius” he sure got slingshot into a rock wall more than most people.
November 14, 2011 at 9:41 pm
The sad thing is I only just figured out where they got the idea for the word “Etsy” like a month ago.
November 15, 2011 at 1:38 am
What? Where? You mean it means something?
I thought it was just a made-up Internet word, like “google” or “ebay”.
November 15, 2011 at 12:06 pm
Oh maybe I’m wrong about this being the origin, but I was looking at the word etcetera and realized if you pronounced the first part of the word but then add the “c” on it like you were saying the end of E-T-C it would sound like “etsy” (et-c?)
I think that might have been the day my doctor prescribed me a new migraine medicine though…
November 15, 2011 at 2:53 pm
I saw an interview where they said it was from the Italian “et si” which sounded like a good, simple non-word, which is want they wanted in a name. I just ran “et si” through Google translate and got nothing.
November 16, 2011 at 4:22 am
Well, “et si” does mean… sort of something in Latin, if rusty memories serve. “And if.” Or maybe “if and.” Blowed if I remember the syntax.
Which still makes no fucking sense, like so much of Etsy and its content.
November 14, 2011 at 1:45 pm
Holy hell…I would say that that looks exactly like Carrot Top (should that be one word or two??) in drag, but I think even Carrot Top would look better than that in make up.
November 14, 2011 at 7:38 pm
How about a Gene Simmons in drag? The resemblance is uncanny . . .
November 14, 2011 at 7:40 pm
Damn, why doesn’t that picture show up? (If you’re curious, just Google images for “Never Too Young To Die”. You’ll see what I mean)
November 15, 2011 at 1:07 pm
here you go, Mr. Simmons as Ms. Stallone:
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_S1gH1ASJ6ZM/Rau3kIr2tJI/AAAAAAAAAE8/MPvguT6FKFk/s320/never4.jpg
November 15, 2011 at 3:14 pm
I am indebted to you. My firstborn shall be yours.
November 16, 2011 at 7:02 pm
He has such a pretty sneer.
November 14, 2011 at 1:46 pm
OMG THIS IS A BLOG?! YOU FOOLZ ME HK I THOT DIS WAS A WEBSITE!!
Her article reads like she just discovered the internet, and GASP! that other people use it…..including naughty fat noncreative slags like us.
November 14, 2011 at 2:16 pm
Wait…blogs aren’t examples of a type of website?
Damnit. Now I need a dictionary of what a website is. Does it have to be commercial? psychic?
November 14, 2011 at 2:58 pm
No, it just has to be run by, host pictures of, or cater to the ego of with assholes.
November 14, 2011 at 2:59 pm
Fuck.
withNovember 14, 2011 at 2:30 pm
Unrelated but…your name is Booberty. If you got that from Smodcast I might be in love.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gTXmwwXF6g8
November 14, 2011 at 2:59 pm
I did get it from SModcast ;o)
November 14, 2011 at 3:04 pm
I named my dachshund (mix) Shecky.
I have a teensy SModcast addiction. >>
November 14, 2011 at 3:20 pm
That shows our ages. I hear “Shecky” and I think of the comic Shecky Green.
November 14, 2011 at 1:47 pm
I bet there are middle schoolers younger than her profile picture. When it’s that from, 1998? The jean jacket says 90′s so I think I’m on to something.
November 14, 2011 at 4:10 pm
I’m younger than her profile picture and I am old.
November 14, 2011 at 1:47 pm
If she’s in a sauna and she looks at someone’s ass and sees that they’re going to be hit by a truck, does she just tell them or does she try and convince them to pay for a consultation?
With great ass-reading powers come great ass-reading responsibilities. And washable slipcovers.
November 14, 2011 at 2:05 pm
As Thanksgiving approaches here in the good ol’ USA, I am suddenly thankful that I have no great ass-reading powers. I would NOT want those responsibilities.
November 14, 2011 at 2:29 pm
I have great ass-reading powers. It’s like reading Braille, though. And I do it for free.
November 14, 2011 at 1:48 pm
I have northing good to say about this post.
Northing at all.
November 14, 2011 at 1:57 pm
What? It’s a reference from Ms. Stallone’s hilariously ungrammatical rant.
November 14, 2011 at 2:08 pm
I’m guessing most people fixed “northing” subconsciously… I didn’t catch it in her rant, only in your comment (probably because you used it twice). On that note, thanks for pointing it out!
November 15, 2011 at 2:48 am
I noticed it, but then I am a spelling nazi.
November 14, 2011 at 1:48 pm
Ms Stallone. People send you photos of their ASSES. Everything about this is funny, how can anyone take you seriously?
If well mannered individuals send you pics of their asses, what on earth do the ruffians send you??
November 14, 2011 at 2:07 pm
November 14, 2011 at 2:31 pm
I can tell from your ass that you are a highly intelligent and sarcastic individual.
Hey … I’m good at this!
November 14, 2011 at 3:44 pm
You are good, described me perfectly. You could give the Ass Mistress some competition!
November 14, 2011 at 2:34 pm
November 14, 2011 at 2:50 pm
Made this a few years ago. Amazing how useful it still is.
November 14, 2011 at 6:04 pm
Lovely horse except for that nasty blemish
November 14, 2011 at 2:55 pm
OK, let me have a crack (sorry!) at this.
YOUR ass is creepy, weepy, whiny, and shiny from all the kissing, and he likes to change saddles quite often, frequently leaving the horse teetering over the cliff as he walks away with a new filly.
How did I do?
November 14, 2011 at 2:59 pm
This was meant for the photo of the newt.
November 25, 2011 at 12:01 pm
Can we call him Leroy?! He looks like a Leroy to me!
November 14, 2011 at 2:32 pm
Something along the lines of the goatse?
November 14, 2011 at 1:49 pm
I hate to leave a derogatory comment about appearance, but does she look like she’s melting or is it just me?
And I like how HK gets credit for making up NSFW.
And by the way, the speed of my Internet connection is nobody’s business either. You don’t know my life!!
November 14, 2011 at 2:41 pm
Probably because April’s comments were like water to her wicked witch.
“Oh, what a world! What a world! Who would have thought a whimsicle princess like you could destroy my beautiful fuckery? Oooooh, look out! I’m going! Oooooh!”
::dissolves into a smoking puddle of glitter and Mary Kay products::
November 14, 2011 at 3:43 pm
I have never met anyone who wore Mary Kay and didn’t also sell it.
THAT must be a he’ll of a web site. Does Mary Kay make a Rump Oil?
November 14, 2011 at 5:37 pm
She’s what, ninety? There comes a point when trying to look younger than you are yields something grotesque rather than youthful.
November 14, 2011 at 10:50 pm
I think a comment about appearance is O.K. when a person does it to themselves. Like the woman who has had surgery to look like a cat or the guy who has his tongue split and spikes put in his head to look like some type of lizard.
November 15, 2011 at 12:13 am
I’m usually the first to scold someone for making a derogatory comment about someone’s appearance.
But I think it’s different when the problem with said person’s appearance is an astounding amount of cosmetic surgery. Her face is going to fall right the fuck off before long.
November 16, 2011 at 1:41 pm
Having struggled with beauty/body image issues my whole life, I’m the same way. However, I really can’t feel sorry for someone who has so much money she can afford to plastic-surgery-fuck her face into oblivion. Especially with the logic that at 80 or whatever, a “few” nips and tucks will make her 18 again.
November 15, 2011 at 1:15 am
She looks like she takes makeup tips from the asses that she “reads.” She also looks like she sets her makeup by standing over a hot stove.
November 14, 2011 at 1:49 pm
You know, when we first started making websites, my “HTML editor,” if you could call it that, was MS Notepad. Our sites were classier.
November 14, 2011 at 2:14 pm
ah, the good old days, eh?
Textpad is my weapon of choice these days
November 14, 2011 at 3:44 pm
I love my iPhone. It looked like that said “Tampon.”
November 14, 2011 at 4:29 pm
maybe it did….maybe it didn’t….
November 14, 2011 at 1:49 pm
I love how she thinks anything about butts on the internet should be taken seriously.
November 15, 2011 at 1:16 am
Don’t tell 4chan.
November 15, 2011 at 2:16 pm
I love how she thinks anyone can even read the phrase “rump reading” without bursting out laughing.
November 14, 2011 at 1:50 pm
Too drunk to complete my own thought: I’d rather be an ass on Regretsy than have my ass _______.
November 14, 2011 at 2:11 pm
…Betsy?
(You are asking for a rhyme, yeah?)
November 14, 2011 at 2:15 pm
“ass tattoo read: ‘Etsy’”
November 14, 2011 at 2:36 pm
“…stared at by scary old Jackie Stallone, the Ultimate Creepetsy”?
November 14, 2011 at 4:14 pm
sold on etsy?
November 14, 2011 at 11:05 pm
Wetsy?
November 15, 2011 at 4:28 am
You guys make me so happy…or maybe it’s the gin. Either way
November 14, 2011 at 1:51 pm
Dear Sweet Baby Jesus…rattled old hen or comic genius? What if it’s the latter?
November 14, 2011 at 1:52 pm
Rumpology sounds like an NWA best of compilation.
November 14, 2011 at 1:56 pm
or Jennifer Lopez
November 14, 2011 at 3:46 pm
I read big butts and I cannot lie…
November 14, 2011 at 8:26 pm
There aren’t enough up-thumbs. LOVE!
November 14, 2011 at 1:51 pm
The comments on her Hub page are pure comedy.
November 14, 2011 at 2:01 pm
Yours is my favorite thus far.
November 14, 2011 at 2:14 pm
The person who mentioned her “butthurt telenovella” is a genius
November 14, 2011 at 3:00 pm
That was me! Now I’m internet famous!
I promise you that, as a celebrity, I’m not immune to criticism either.
As long as everyone but me keeps their trap shut.
November 14, 2011 at 2:48 pm
I agree with gnomestress – loved your comment!
November 14, 2011 at 6:02 pm
I am mad now! She took down all our comments, the witch!!
November 14, 2011 at 9:13 pm
Booooooooooooo!
November 15, 2011 at 11:08 am
All but one… she seems to have taken one by a certain CF4L as genuine
November 14, 2011 at 1:51 pm
I love that the sponsored sidebar links (to other “hubs”) are topped by “Top 10 Worst Cases of Celebrity Plastic Surgery”…wonder if she’ll ever notice that?
November 14, 2011 at 2:37 pm
That was the cherry on top of the whipped cream on top of the parfait!
November 15, 2011 at 3:24 am
I just screen grabbed it before I read this
November 16, 2011 at 7:11 pm
Wait, she’s “immune to criticism” because she’s a “celebrity?” I am befuddled.
November 14, 2011 at 1:51 pm
This is so amazeballs. I can’t even make sentence.
November 14, 2011 at 1:51 pm
How dare you insult this woman, HK? She is a celebrity and clearly you are not.
November 14, 2011 at 5:15 pm
To tell you the truth RAWR, I don’t think Helen Killer is even April’s real name.
November 14, 2011 at 6:25 pm
It isn’t. I’m POSITIVE it’s Ellen.
November 14, 2011 at 1:51 pm
Hooray! A “celebrity” flounce.
I think my favorite part was where she pointed out that she was more famous than you, like that could possibly make this whole thing any less ridiculous.
November 14, 2011 at 2:42 pm
I first learned about her on Ms. H. Killer’s site. Well, of course, I knew deep down somewhere that Sylvester Stallone had a mother, so in that respect I knew about her before, but I had never really thought about her as a separate individual, so I claim that that doesn’t count.
So there.
November 14, 2011 at 1:52 pm
I absolutely adore that she struck her blow of higher intellect by referencing Ayn Rand.
November 14, 2011 at 1:52 pm
J. Stallone: “For those of you who don’t know, the Internet is a series of tubes where people can exchange E-Mail. E-Mail is short for electronic mail…”
THANK THE GODS SHE’S HERE TO EXPLAIN EVERYTHING TO US!!
November 14, 2011 at 2:20 pm
To be fair, isn’t she like 90 years old?
November 14, 2011 at 2:54 pm
Oh, so she’s just sharing what she learned that morning from her great-grandchildren?
November 14, 2011 at 3:07 pm
now she is, apparently.
November 14, 2011 at 6:01 pm
Picture her 15 or so years ago, a woman in her mid-70s who’s still active and engaged, deciding to use “the world-wide web” to advertise her psychic services. She starts a website using current “look at me” aesthetics.
Then she goes and does whatever it is she normally does with her life, which really doesn’t involve being on the internet all day like some of us have during the past 15 years. Her website doesn’t change with the times, and pretty much no one even notices until one day, along comes Regretsy. Now she’s 90, and this probably has been kind of a shock to her system.
Some of the comments on her post got pretty mean this afternoon, and I started feeling sorry for the old girl. Someone posted that she didn’t deserve to exist or something like that. That was right before she started blocking comments and I don’t blame her. I’m not flouncing, it’s just that that’s where even a Naugahyde-wrapped old hag like me feels it’s not fun anymore.
November 14, 2011 at 6:21 pm
Well put
November 14, 2011 at 6:39 pm
Amen. Let’s have fun but keep it civil.
November 14, 2011 at 8:02 pm
I don’t have a problem with Regretsy making fun–the website is awful, and if you’re charging so much for your services, it’s basic marketing to keep the site fresh and professional. If it’s not your forte, you hire some help. But yeah, a few comments are kind of crossing the line. Especially considering that comments about someone’s general appearance usually get thumbed down here.
November 15, 2011 at 11:41 am
Holy hell, she really IS 90 (or will be in a couple weeks)! I knew she was old but somehow didn’t think old enough to remember when the wheel was invented!
November 14, 2011 at 1:52 pm
Two things really get me. First is her stating that Helen Killer is NOT famous or well known for anything in particular. HA! I hope you go ahead and tell her who you are, and maybe your dad too for good measure. Suck on that, Carrot Top Drag Queen! Secondly, it’s the whole blog disguised as a website thing *dies laughing*
This shit is too good.
November 14, 2011 at 3:51 pm
That one keeps bugging me. maybe she thinks that a “web site” should have journalistic objectivity?
Rottentomatoes.com. A web site, not a blog.
THEY ARE A MAN.
I’m drunk.
November 14, 2011 at 1:52 pm
From her rant: “When I was growing up, my mother taught me a valuable lesson: “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” ”
Jesus, did they have the spoken language back then? I thought it was all a series of grunts, pointing and flinging shit at one another.
November 14, 2011 at 2:18 pm
I thought that was last Tuesday. When we got into the Ouzo stash.
November 14, 2011 at 8:33 pm
You made me have to go downstairs and find the Sambuca bottle. So thanks for that. Mmm … dessert …
November 14, 2011 at 2:33 pm
To be fair, she hasn’t completely evolved. Just look at her son.
November 14, 2011 at 4:19 pm
To be fair, Sly did have a nerve in his face severed during birth when they used those over-sized salad-tongs to assist his exodus.
November 14, 2011 at 4:19 pm
but that just explains vocals.
November 14, 2011 at 3:10 pm
I just like that she basically said ” “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” Except Ms. Killer is A Bad Person so it’s ok for me to say not-nice things about her!”
November 14, 2011 at 6:27 pm
See, my great-aunt has a saying: If you can’t say something nice, come sit next to me.
November 14, 2011 at 9:43 pm
t-shirt!!
November 15, 2011 at 1:29 pm
I heard somewhere that this was a one of Dorothy Parker’s Algonquin comments. If protection’s expired, you’ve got your T-shirt!
November 14, 2011 at 1:52 pm
Sheesh!! I tried to read JS’s rant, butt I got bored.
November 14, 2011 at 2:25 pm
I know, I had to skim through it. My mind kept wandering off.
November 14, 2011 at 2:39 pm
I got about 1/4 of the way through and my brain began to hurt. I considered printing it out and reading it on the subway, but only if I include all the awesomely funny comments from we-know-who (us!). That would be the only way to make this thing palatable.
November 14, 2011 at 4:20 pm
I finally just scrolled down to the comments. I Love you jealous fat lazy slags!
November 14, 2011 at 1:54 pm
That is the longest butthurt I have ever seen.
November 14, 2011 at 2:12 pm
It will cost you $600 to find out exactly why it’s hurt.
November 14, 2011 at 1:55 pm
and her earrings are creepy.
November 14, 2011 at 8:02 pm
Those earrings are the least creepy part of that photo. I’m just sayin’.
November 14, 2011 at 11:10 pm
Actually, I think what is most creepy about them is they draw attention to her ears.
November 14, 2011 at 1:56 pm
Also, “I wonder how ebay eluded the author’s wit” made me spit out my franzia.
November 14, 2011 at 2:34 pm
And yet all she needed to do was click on “Not Etsy – so sue me.”
November 14, 2011 at 2:40 pm
I don’t think the banner buttons show up on an Atari 8200. I can’t rememeber.
November 14, 2011 at 2:45 pm
They might on the Commodore 64.
November 14, 2011 at 2:53 pm
Cut her some slack guys, she only just figured out how to get the little turtle to respond to her commands on her new laptop!
November 16, 2011 at 1:53 pm
Holy shit. I believe that computer might be older than me.
November 14, 2011 at 3:07 pm
Oh, now, be nice. Everyone knows that Sly used all that money he made over the years to set her up with a spiffy WebTV subscription. The keyboard was even included.
November 15, 2011 at 12:00 am
I was also pretty sure ebay isn’t featured as much because… well… ebay is basically your online yardsale. You expect a certain amount of crap. Etsy prances around wearing a sign that says “my farts don’t stink” so it gives people the urge to go “Yes, yes they DO stink. The dog is gagging. See the dog gagging? That is Your Fault.”
November 14, 2011 at 1:56 pm
You better not tell people the speed of your internet connection. It is just as bad as giving out your last name and social security number! People can pretend they are you by copying your speed! Damn them intarweb hacker peoples!
November 14, 2011 at 1:56 pm
I’m a long-time lurker, but this truly inspired me to say something.
I’m pretty sure “the worst parts of human nature” are the parts that lead people to, say. Abuse their partners and rape children.
“Snarking about shitty crafts on the internet” doesn’t even compare.
But nice try, Mama Sly.
November 14, 2011 at 8:05 pm
Well typed, especially in the light of the news that just. won’t. stop. from Penn state.
November 15, 2011 at 12:21 pm
Why thanks. And yeah. There goes old JoePa and friends, making my home state proud!
I work for a women’s collective and have logged innumerable hours amassing data and working hotlines. There is really nothing about domestic abuse, child sexual abuse, or human trafficking that surprises me anymore. Just a bunch of stuff that makes me sad.
But that is a personal problem which Valium and wine were made to fix. Valium, wine, and Regretsy, actually. I can laugh so hard I pass out.
SO MUCH FOR REGRETSY NEVER DOING ANYTHING FOR ANYONE!
November 14, 2011 at 1:57 pm
I’ll just recap what I said in the forums for those that missed it…Her Royal Hiney Stallone accused April of “possible profiteering”. That led me to the word privateering, which made me thing of pirates. Thinking of pirates made me picture HK dressed as a pirate with an upcyled barn wood sword, repurposed potato chip bag eyepatch, and a taxidermied road kill squirrel perched on her shoulder.
I only repeat this because it’s my dream to see this. PLEASE DON’T RAPE MY DREAMS!
November 14, 2011 at 3:04 pm
I maintain that this NEEDS to happen. Soon.
November 14, 2011 at 3:40 pm
November 14, 2011 at 3:54 pm
Sometimes I wish I were a lesbian.
November 14, 2011 at 4:22 pm
Swing.
HK’s Hawt. So is Bronc.
November 14, 2011 at 4:33 pm
*we’re not worthy*
November 14, 2011 at 6:57 pm
Truly, this is Photoshop greatness.
November 14, 2011 at 8:36 pm
Wow. I’m in awe. Well done!
November 14, 2011 at 9:15 pm
♥ LOVE ♥
November 14, 2011 at 1:57 pm
…Apple Quicktime? The last time I needed that particular plug-in/program thing, I had a brand new Gameboy game to put in my SNES with that one special cartridge.
Why is it called Rumpology? Surely Assology would be a more apt name, since it sounds like astrology of the ass.
November 14, 2011 at 2:20 pm
Actually, when I play videos on my iPhone it uses QuickTime.
November 14, 2011 at 2:28 pm
Yeah, if you get iTunes, and/or an iPhone/Pod/Pad you get Quicktime.
November 14, 2011 at 2:32 pm
Because she’s too CLASSY to use the word “ass.”
November 14, 2011 at 3:10 pm
Or Ass-Trollogy. The random, cele-u-flounce inducing comments people post about photos of your ass on their blogs.
November 14, 2011 at 3:11 pm
Celeb-u-flounce.
And no, I can’t fucking type today. Deal with it.
November 14, 2011 at 3:56 pm
Two thumbs up and a pony-tail buttplug for “Ass-Trollogy.”
November 14, 2011 at 5:37 pm
Well, someone has to send our friend Jacqui a picture of a rump with a pony-tailed buttplug. It may as well be PaganChick.
November 14, 2011 at 5:53 pm
and she also needs goatse sent to her on an hourly basis.
November 14, 2011 at 7:15 pm
I’ll pass that honor on to someone else, thanks anyway. The last time I spent $600 to have someone fondle my ass, I… No, wait, I’ve never been idiotic enough to let random strangers get a gander of my ample backside.
November 19, 2011 at 8:05 pm
Cele-u-flounce is either jiggly cellulite (the worst of both worlds) or flouncy celery.
November 14, 2011 at 4:25 pm
Rumpology sounds like a sodden rum drunk trying to apologize.
November 14, 2011 at 2:00 pm
She’s 89… but sadly you can’t really blame this sort of blather on her being elderly, she’s been spouting stupid for decades. However, I kind of feel bad for her, she’s clearly not right.
November 14, 2011 at 2:03 pm
clearly!
November 14, 2011 at 2:04 pm
I dunno, maybe she just likes to look at rumps and get paid doing it. Some folks look at rumps and have to pay to do it. She’s got the better end of the deal. I’d say she’s coming out on top rather than the bottom.
November 15, 2011 at 9:50 am
YOU SAID BOTTOM!
(laughes like an 8 year old)
November 14, 2011 at 2:22 pm
Maybe it’s all the methane?
November 14, 2011 at 2:00 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
November 14, 2011 at 2:01 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
November 14, 2011 at 2:09 pm
april did. in the post that you just read and commented on
November 14, 2011 at 2:13 pm
That’s because everyone else is in front of her getting their asses read.
November 14, 2011 at 3:53 pm
And seven hubs. Just like Zsa Zsa Gabor.
November 14, 2011 at 2:02 pm
Stop or my mom will glute.
November 14, 2011 at 2:03 pm
What??? are you telling me sending in a picture of my Anal Nether Regions makes me a Crack Head???
November 14, 2011 at 3:39 pm
Depends. Were you, at the time you sent in the picture of your capitalized backside, smoking crack?
November 14, 2011 at 2:06 pm
I’m pretty sure that in celebrity relative math, a semi-famous daughter of a semi-famous father is at least equal to a non-famous mother of a semi-famous lunkhead actor.
November 14, 2011 at 2:06 pm
Joke’s on her – Geocities wasn’t even around until 1994. LOLOLOL @ the entire article.
November 14, 2011 at 2:09 pm
Holy F…she’s 90, according to Wikipedia. Now I’m a little impressed that she knows anything about the internet at all. Can she really be 90??!
November 14, 2011 at 2:11 pm
Rumpires (the butthole obsessed version of vampires) are immortal, aren’t they? I’m sure they left off a few 0′s.
November 14, 2011 at 2:45 pm
Oh, no, I’m a skeered of rumpires! I’m going to have be SO careful going home, lest I be attacked by a roving band of rumpires! (Yes, an entire band of ‘em. I have a fat ass.)
November 14, 2011 at 3:58 pm
Eat garlic for breakfast; by evening you’ll be safe!
November 14, 2011 at 9:04 pm
Maybe a little Mexican food, too? I bet you can get rid of them with holey water.
November 14, 2011 at 3:13 pm
As long as they don’t glitter in the sunlight, I can deal with the existence of rumpires.
November 14, 2011 at 7:03 pm
they crap glittery rainbows.
November 14, 2011 at 2:48 pm
Her Wikipedia page is screaming to be fucked with.
November 14, 2011 at 4:18 pm
Now, now! The first rule of Regretsy is we don’t attack the person or site that April and Bronc showcase! That’s a perfect way to be thrown off this great site. Be nice!!
(OK, I think we fooled them. They’re looking at other posts now—go and hit her Wikipedia page. I’ll keep an eye out for—)
Yes, we must be nice, even if April and Bronc are not reading every single post. That’s not important. What’s important is how we behave when no one is looking!
(Now! Go!!!)
November 14, 2011 at 10:12 pm
I never said “I” would be the one to do it. I was just making an observation.
November 14, 2011 at 2:12 pm
She was on Celebrity Big Brother! Wonders never cease D:
November 14, 2011 at 2:43 pm
Wasn’t that the episode where the rest of the housemates banded together and offered the producers money to get them out of the house?
November 14, 2011 at 3:06 pm
interesting. it seems like she actually did some research because she legitimately did not understand whether or not it was an insult.
November 14, 2011 at 3:54 pm
My eyes had pretty well glazed over when suddenly she started explaining Geocities. I had to pinch myself to see if I’d fallen asleep and was dreaming, it was so damned weird.
November 14, 2011 at 2:06 pm
Thanks, HK, for pandering to the worst in human nature.
Its not like we are cannibalistic baby killers or anything.
November 14, 2011 at 2:18 pm
we’re not?
DAMMIT!
Now I need to go to Monster and remove that part from my resume
November 14, 2011 at 2:07 pm
Let’s party like it’s 1992.
November 14, 2011 at 2:08 pm
I didn’t know you could get ONE cheek, or the other, or just the CLEFT read if you’re too cheap to get the “full ride” as it were. And pardon us if we’re a bit unimpressed by you being the “Dean” of I Look At Pictures of Your Big Fat Lopsided Ass All Day University.
November 14, 2011 at 3:41 pm
And that’s another thing. I don’t pay other people to look at my big fat ass. If money changes hands, it’s going to be paid to me. This is a specialty item here, people.
November 14, 2011 at 2:08 pm
I can’t get my tiny brain around all this glorious butthurtitude. This totally made my day.
November 14, 2011 at 2:09 pm
Oh my. I can’t believe you’re poking fun at this woman (and I use that term loosely), who is clearly a victim of mad cow disease. This is the only logical explanation for…well…everything. She even has the ear tag from her local farmer to properly identify her when milking time comes around.
November 14, 2011 at 2:20 pm
LOL! I SWEAR I read this AFTER my post (below)
GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!
or, you know, at least clean up a little while you’re in there…
November 14, 2011 at 2:11 pm
How cowardly of you to raise money for charity, “Helen.” (If that’s your real name.)
November 14, 2011 at 8:09 pm
This is the comment I was looking for. I had to read that part twice because I didn’t believe it the first time.
November 14, 2011 at 2:11 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
November 14, 2011 at 2:11 pm
You’re in for. it now, Ms. Killer (if that. is your real na.me)
November 14, 2011 at 2:36 pm
Bingo!
November 14, 2011 at 2:14 pm
It’s just… it’s just incredible. OH NO HELLEN YOU FUCKED UP BY GIVING HER PUBLICITY WHICH IS OBVIOUSLY THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT YOU WANTED AND HAHA THE JOKE IS ON YOU BECAUSE SHE’S GOTTEN A TON OF VISITORS TO HER SITE!!! REGRETSY HAS FAILED IN ITS MISSION TO MAKE OTHERS FEEL LIKE SHIT BECAUSE THAT IS TOTALLY THE PURPOSE OF REGRETSY!!
November 14, 2011 at 2:17 pm
I had a friendship fall apart for about 4 years when I told someone that their site looked ‘too geocities’ and that they should let me have a shot at it.
True story!
November 14, 2011 at 2:18 pm
“I find it is hard, however to ignore that the name “regretsy” appears to be an attempt at a pun on the word: Etsy, as if to say “regret etsy”.
Bitch is sharp as a tack. Sorry, HK, the gig is up on; Grandma Rocky is on to you.
November 14, 2011 at 2:21 pm
Whoa!!!!
I just noticed that too!!!!
Damn, this rocket science stuff is HARD!!!
November 14, 2011 at 3:45 pm
my head just exploded.
November 14, 2011 at 4:31 pm
good thing I showed up with my mop and dustpan…
November 14, 2011 at 5:37 pm
Especially since I just finished cleaning up the house and some cat barf and I refuse to clean up anything else today…
November 14, 2011 at 9:09 pm
That’s why they call it rocket science.
November 14, 2011 at 2:18 pm
I could just HEAR the conversation now:
“Sly baby, that woman is making fun of my craft again and NOW she’s using the title of one of your movies! You need to DO something, my lawyers won’t return my calls!”
“Get off the phone ma! The judge said you can’t call me here no more!”
November 14, 2011 at 6:28 pm
ok, that last line I totally heard inside my head in his voice
November 14, 2011 at 2:20 pm
Am I the only one who imagined hearing all that stuff she wrote in the most boring slow-paced voice ever? Frankly, I got bored after she was trying to decipher the name “Regretsy”.
November 14, 2011 at 7:20 pm
Bueller.
Bueller..
Bueller…
November 14, 2011 at 2:21 pm
Please hold me, Miss Helen, because scary lady’s face is melting & I want my mommy…
We need a Stallone-version of flounce cats…like a post-modern flounce cats that’s just so bizarre it’s hard to fathom…you couldn’t make this shit up if you tried…
November 14, 2011 at 4:36 pm
November 14, 2011 at 5:11 pm
November 14, 2011 at 5:37 pm
EXACTLY!!!!!!!!!
November 14, 2011 at 6:00 pm
April had better watch out…
November 14, 2011 at 6:11 pm
Damn my infernal impatience…
November 14, 2011 at 7:33 pm
Put that on a platter! I’d buy that in April’s Army
November 14, 2011 at 2:22 pm
I think she got it backwards… the lawyers are rolling their eyes, and licking… something else.
November 14, 2011 at 2:23 pm
So did anyone send her to goat.se?
November 14, 2011 at 4:01 pm
I’ll bet plenty of people did (either that or Tubgirl). And that’s probably why you have to go to all the work of printing an image of your ass and snail-mailing it to her.
November 14, 2011 at 2:23 pm
Well Fuck me, she didn’t even put this up on her website? She had to use a freaking HugPage?
November 14, 2011 at 4:11 pm
I can think of two reasons for this:
1) She picked the cheapest webhosting deal around (because she needs every spare penny for plastic surgery). Thus, all the extra hits she anticipated by posting this screed would exceed her site’s bandwidth allotment for the month.
2) By posting her screed there, she knew at least seven people (her HubPage followers) would see it–and that’s seven more than would see it were it posted to her own website.
Funny, but she posted this six weeks ago, and it’s taken this long for anyone who gives a damn to even notice.
November 14, 2011 at 2:24 pm
That face. SWEET JESUS.
November 14, 2011 at 2:32 pm
That was like a meta rant — she covered being uncreative, and making fun of other people’s creativity, and vague legal threats, and being jealous and…
Holy crap! Jackie Stallone read The Fountainhead?
November 14, 2011 at 2:59 pm
The only other option is she somehow googled a quote from it… so as shocking as it might be, I’m going to have to assume she read it.
November 14, 2011 at 4:27 pm
Just the back cover.
November 14, 2011 at 2:39 pm
You mean your name isn’t Helen Killer?!
November 14, 2011 at 2:41 pm
I can’t be the only person who thinks that April’s use of the word “rebuttal” isn’t coincidental given Ms Stallone’s area of professional interest.
November 14, 2011 at 2:44 pm
Dial-up connection? Helen, you give her too much credit. Bitch is still working with a piece of string and two tin cans.
November 14, 2011 at 2:47 pm
Someone seriously needs to do a dramatic reading of this. Pure gold.
November 14, 2011 at 2:48 pm
In Sly’s voice!
November 15, 2011 at 4:58 am
oh, wow…I should try to do that…
not sure how well I do his voice these days, but I used to be pretty good at it!
November 15, 2011 at 10:58 am
Nope. sorry…it ain’t got it anymore.
I wound up sounding like Warf (sp?) with a head-cold
November 15, 2011 at 1:11 pm
I’d listen to Worf read this, too. Head cold or not. *geek*
November 14, 2011 at 2:51 pm
OMG, I am riff raff, I had no idea. But I am because I don’t have $600 to spend on an ass reading. Is that the difference between the 99% and the 1%? Where’s my Occupy protest?
November 14, 2011 at 3:40 pm
What do you want to have ‘occupied’?
November 14, 2011 at 5:46 pm
November 14, 2011 at 5:59 pm
Occupy Pat’s Rump?
November 16, 2011 at 7:30 pm
Occupy Port-o-let!
November 14, 2011 at 2:52 pm
Are her rhinestones trying to crawl up her ears to hide in her hair because they’re being all embarrassed for her? (I think that picture will be featured in my nightmares this evening)
November 14, 2011 at 2:56 pm
To understand the concept of Not Safe For Work, she needs to understand what “Work” is. And reading Butts is not.
November 14, 2011 at 2:57 pm
“E-bay”
November 15, 2011 at 12:18 pm
“Little e big B? That’s a very popular name today!”
November 14, 2011 at 2:58 pm
How insecure do you have to be in your “celebrity” status to name drop someone who has been dead for 22 years… and then quote from a script they performed instead of using their own words?
It totally reminds me of the time my pal Hedy Lamarr said “OOooOOOooooo” when she starred in Ecstasy. I couldn’t have said it better, Hedy.
November 14, 2011 at 4:02 pm
It’s “HedLy,” dammit! HedLEEEEEE!
November 14, 2011 at 5:43 pm
I…your name… pledge allegiance…to Hedley Lamarr…THAT’S HEDLEY!
November 14, 2011 at 3:03 pm
I can’t believe she’s calling whoever wrote that code a “web designer” – perhaps that’s just the title their ass told her to give them.
Butt hurt?
November 14, 2011 at 4:24 pm
Funnier still is the designer’s webpage. The coding there is for lack of a better word. Fucked.
November 14, 2011 at 3:06 pm
Aww, she deleted all the regretsy comments, lame
November 14, 2011 at 3:06 pm
Also, WTF is a hubpages?
November 14, 2011 at 3:07 pm
Her whole post on that website is pure comedy!
I was reading through all of your comments just now, refreshed the site and guess what? THEY’VE ALL BEEN REMOVED!
November 14, 2011 at 4:21 pm
Am I the only person who no longer sees any comments at all?
November 14, 2011 at 6:18 pm
What are you talking about, ED? They’re still there. You ARE looking at her HubPage, right? I don’t know what to tell you. They’re all there.
*looks at ceiling, whistles, walks away, finally chokes on laughter that can’t be contained anymore.*
November 14, 2011 at 6:25 pm
They’ve all been removed, and the ability to post comments has been removed, as well.
Is it me or does Mrs Stallone seem awfully insecure for someone who claims not to be affected by criticism?
November 14, 2011 at 6:58 pm
You can post a comment now, but you must be signed in to HubPages.
November 14, 2011 at 3:10 pm
I do love that she gave you a link back at the bottom of the TL:DR post of hers. It’s the nice thing to do. I wonder who’s ass suggested she do that?
November 14, 2011 at 3:16 pm
Oh, just when I thought the comedy gold could not get any more golden…I found the Wikipedia page on Rumpology.
The money quote: “In addition to live readings, Jackie Stallone will perform buttock readings using e-mailed digital photographs, and has claimed to predict the outcome of Presidential elections and Oscar awards by reading the bottoms of her two pet Doberman Pinschers.”
Yeah. I’m gonna repeat that.
“In addition to live readings, Jackie Stallone will perform buttock readings using e-mailed digital photographs, and has claimed to predict the outcome of Presidential elections and Oscar awards by reading the bottoms of her two pet Doberman Pinschers.”
WE ARE THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS, PEOPLE
November 14, 2011 at 3:30 pm
SHIT!
November 15, 2011 at 1:14 pm
I’ve had Dobermans. They’re my favorite breed of dog. I can tell you, the only thing to read from their asses is shit. (Much like any dog, but Dobermans man. DOBERMANS.)
November 14, 2011 at 3:23 pm
Her web designer and favorite commentor, “Clydesight,” (which may or may not be his or her real name) is very diligently cleaning the comments section almost as fast as Regretsians can type.
November 14, 2011 at 3:25 pm
BTW, in case you wonder where the Rumpology site got its flair:
http://www.clydesight.com/
November 14, 2011 at 3:51 pm
Is anyone else bothered that they advertise subliminal messaging software on their homepage? “Subconsciously, through natural subliminal perception, you UNDERSTAND, ACCEPT, and BELIEVE them.”
I read about Rumpology and yet I don’t accept or believe it. She should ask for 66% of her money back.
November 14, 2011 at 5:47 pm
Not bothered, just baffled and amused. If I go to her website, will I suddenly get a craving for a Coke and some popcorn?
November 15, 2011 at 1:02 am
Do you suppose the vintage tape players are needed to play the vintage subliminal tapes? Surely not. I couldn’t bring myself to delve deeper – maybe subliminal VHS?
November 15, 2011 at 6:44 am
I can’t hate on clydesight. I was all set to – then saw it was devoted to his dead cat, and, well, I’m a sucker for people memorializing their dead cats.
I picture him being a nice old dude who has lovingly taken me on a lovely trip through 1995′s internetz – which in many ways, I kind of miss.
November 16, 2011 at 7:33 pm
That is not a website. That is a pile of crap! I was writing better code than that 10 years ago!
November 14, 2011 at 4:04 pm
“Clydesight” is not his real name.
I love betterwhois.com.
November 14, 2011 at 3:30 pm
The woman is fucking batshit. And what is this, a day for meltdowns?
November 14, 2011 at 3:41 pm
Monday, all day.
November 14, 2011 at 3:34 pm
I have met and worked with J.S. in the past. She is crazy and a complete bitch… but what makes me maddest at her is that she misquoted All About Eve, which is very possibly my favorite movie!
The quote is “Fasten your seatbelts, its going to be a bumpy night”. Not “Hang on, its going to be a bumpy night.”
Jacqueline Stallone hasn’t known a bumpy night since 1968.
November 14, 2011 at 3:35 pm
Haha! great minds…
November 14, 2011 at 3:35 pm
She misquoted her dear friend, Bette Davis…
If that is her real name
November 14, 2011 at 3:37 pm
There are a bunch of comments a bunch of us fat ugly jealous losers posted this morning/last night that are now missing. Cool.
November 14, 2011 at 3:38 pm
I can’t bother reading the comments before I fucking post and end up repeating what other people say. Cool.
November 14, 2011 at 3:44 pm
There, there. Have some liquor.
November 14, 2011 at 3:49 pm
Ya know, she has a point. How did E-bay manage to elude your wit, Ms. Killer? (If that is your real name.)
November 14, 2011 at 4:29 pm
Because she mocks ebay, we have yet to locate the fable E-bay.
November 14, 2011 at 3:52 pm
But, but, but…. no, I guess that should be butt, butt, butt!
November 14, 2011 at 3:54 pm
My comment is still there. She’s probably looking for my phone number in the yellow pages: NotALoserLawyer 23 minutes ago
I would love to take your case. My retainer is $600. I am neither a lawyer nor a judge. Sound familiar? CF4L.
November 14, 2011 at 8:10 pm
You’re pretty much my hero for that comment. I’m not sure you could have fit any more Regretsian jokes in there. Awesomely done!
November 15, 2011 at 3:19 pm
Why thank you, thank you very much!
November 14, 2011 at 3:55 pm
I have to SO careful when I refresh and scroll up to see what’s been added. If I go too quickly, I see *shudder* that very scary photo at the top of the page—NO! Don’t look! You’ve seen it once, that’s enough for anyone!
November 14, 2011 at 4:06 pm
I showed it to my husband and son. Neither one will speak to me, now.
November 14, 2011 at 4:21 pm
I was eating lunch. A very tasty lunch, I might add.
Not that it matters, anymore.
November 14, 2011 at 3:56 pm
I’m sorry if I repeat what has already been said, but I’m too lazy to read 250+ comments right now. Later.
Damnit, we’re being associated with Etsy again… I thought we were the anti-Etsty. We use the low-talent, no-talent, talented crackpots as a source of amusement, much akin to watching the opening weeks of American Idol.
Good lord, she’s name-dropping too…
Gods, I can’t even be bothered to read her entire diatribe. I think that I’ll just leave with the following thoughts:
1. Is it just me or do those quickest to “defend” their art, have the least security or self confidence?
2. What an asshat.
November 15, 2011 at 4:58 am
I got as far as “but I’m too lazy to read 250+ comments right now” and then stopped reading yours.
November 14, 2011 at 3:56 pm
If she does not cease and desist from using that face, Terry Gilliam is going to sue for copyright infringement of his movie, “Brazil”.
Evidence A
The Character Mrs. Ida Lowry from the movie “Brazil.”
Evidence B
Mrs. Stallone.
It’s pretty evident who is in violation here. Case closed. Or do your lawyers need to rub their hands together with insectile glee before they declare you’re screwed and you have a lot of money to pay Terry Gilliam.
November 14, 2011 at 4:50 pm
Be careful what you preach, Mrs Stallone…
November 14, 2011 at 5:01 pm
‘When done badly, it can disturb and hurt the innocent’ is a direct quote from Mrs Stallone’s ‘defence of rumpology’, for those of you who couldn’t be bothered to read the whole thing.
November 14, 2011 at 5:24 pm
You used the word ‘insectile.’
November 14, 2011 at 8:47 pm
That literally gave me chills.
November 14, 2011 at 3:57 pm
I simply adore the opener on her biography page. “Jacqueline Stallone’s amazing biography spans years of talent, accomplishment and achievement.”
November 14, 2011 at 3:59 pm
Hey, are those earrings for a goatse handhold?
November 14, 2011 at 4:09 pm
I had no idea that when I accidentally found that little “rebuttal” from Ms. stallone that it would cause so much hilarity. It’s like christmas and my birthday rolled up into one magical day. I might even cry a few glittery tears of joy.
I love you all so much, you fat jealous losers. You beautiful, snarky creatures. <3
November 14, 2011 at 8:49 pm
Thank you Doctor Savage, you can peek under my gown anytime. Eternally indebted to your fuckery.
November 14, 2011 at 4:15 pm
Since I’m assuming you know about as much as law as you do about the internet, here’s a tip. According to the official website of the Copyright Office of the Government of the United States of America, “The 1961 Report of the Register of Copyrights on the General Revision of the U.S. Copyright Law cites examples of activities that courts have regarded as fair use: ‘[...]for illustration or clarification of the author’s observations; use in a parody of some of the content of the work parodied[...]‘.”
Another website explains further:
“Parody is recognized as a form of criticism and commentary. Here’s how a parody might be considered, in light of the four factors above used to determine fair use:
Purpose and character; commercial or educational — noncommercial, educational, or newsworthy parodies are generally given more protection as fair use[...]. However, many commercial parodies have also been deemed to be fair use[...].
November 14, 2011 at 4:17 pm
Gah, fuck it. I can’t post the rest, and this was the second part, too. I was trying to post my comment for posterity’s sake because she’s currently online and actively deleting and I would be absolutely shocked if my comment were still there by now.
November 15, 2011 at 5:01 am
That’s ok, we pretty much covered all that in September with the Glitter Eagle Good Tymes event, painfully, for several weeks…and it still never gets old!
November 14, 2011 at 4:16 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
November 15, 2011 at 7:52 am
Am I correct in assuming you’re talking to Ms. Stallone?
November 14, 2011 at 4:19 pm
Excuse me if this has been discussed before and just thumb this on down to obscurity but, I’m thinking the next book should be compiled of flounces and our rebuttals to same. This is some funny stuff, right here and it totally filled my required portion of comedy for the afternoon. Thank you.
November 14, 2011 at 4:19 pm
Comments are vanishing faster than donuts in a police station
November 14, 2011 at 4:21 pm
Actually it looks like comments are now disabled.
November 14, 2011 at 4:21 pm
ALL of the comments are now gone.
November 14, 2011 at 4:25 pm
Awww I posted my comment, and now she has closed comments and nobody will ever get to read it!
November 14, 2011 at 4:26 pm
Of all people, shouldn’t she be practiced in turning the other cheek?
November 14, 2011 at 4:30 pm
High five, low two, bump-a-rump!
November 14, 2011 at 4:31 pm
if she turns too fast, the other cheek slaps her in the back of the head.
oh! you meant THOSE cheeks!
My bad.
November 14, 2011 at 4:29 pm
Looks like she disabled comments altogether now. Not that I would condone such a thing, but there are always disposable email addresses and the contact form on the page!
November 14, 2011 at 4:35 pm
There are enough of us, all we have to do is copy and paste the link in a new window to avoid trackbacks and vote her down.
kinda like flicking peas at her from across the room.
November 14, 2011 at 4:31 pm
It’s time for flounce rumps!
November 14, 2011 at 4:32 pm
ok, well, so much for dinner…I think I’ll just move straight on to the vodka…
November 14, 2011 at 5:02 pm
Thank god I saw that before it was yanked. Just rename the image after you pull it off the web.
xoxo
November 14, 2011 at 8:48 pm
Or just use Tinypic. I never get anything taken down.
November 14, 2011 at 4:35 pm
I half-heartedly scrolled through the adverts and got as far as “my son… and his giant pinata head”.
It’s not that funny but everytime I think I’ve stopped laughing it just starts me off again.
November 14, 2011 at 4:38 pm
I used to think Batman was the World’s Greatest Detective. Then Jackie Stallone figured out that “Helen Killer” wasn’t your real name, and let’s just say there’s a new number one. With a bullet.
November 14, 2011 at 4:40 pm
Never in my life did I think I would be uttering these words: I feel sorry for Sylvester Stallone.
I’m going to call my mom right now and thank her for not being Jacqueline Stallone.
November 14, 2011 at 4:53 pm
“thus it appears to be mostly a blog disguised as a website”
this is by far my favorite sentence. what does that even mean?
November 14, 2011 at 4:58 pm
She was on Graham Norton years ago. Audience members sat on a Xerox machine. It was hysterical, Graham Norton was trying SO hard to take her half as seriously as she took herself. He looked like he was channeling Gilda Radner the way he was mugging at the camera. Pulled it off, too, until the audience member didn’t pull his nads out of the way and was wearing a cock ring. Good times.
November 14, 2011 at 8:19 pm
Brb YouTubin’.
November 14, 2011 at 8:53 pm
Oh please find that. I love Graham Norton. That has to be hysterical.
November 14, 2011 at 4:58 pm
I happen to love that a 90 year old has a website, knows how to use email, and knows what a blog is. Crap I think by the time I’m 60 I’m going to just give up on learning new technology. That’s my plan.
Having said that, she is in fact bat shit crazy.
I asked my six year old daughter
“do you know who clairabelle the cow is?”
“yes.”
“Do you know who Jackie Stallone is?”
“Is that Clairabelle’s puppy?”
So there you have it, April is in fact more famous than mama stallone.
November 14, 2011 at 6:21 pm
So, taking this to the next level…
Jackie Stallone is Clarabelle’s bitch?
Got it!
November 14, 2011 at 4:59 pm
“Does Ms. Killer think I am stupid (don’t answer that – obviously she does). Here’s a tip in selling. If you want to ensure you have only SERIOUS customers who respect your work, you must charge the appropriate fee. Does Ms. Killer want a reading for herself, but cannot afford the fee? One has to wonder why the price bothers her, when clearly, she does not believe in my work.”
Ms. Killer,
Well? The gauntlet has been throw down. Do YOU want a rump-reading?
November 14, 2011 at 6:17 pm
I’ll put in $10 towards buying April a reading. Or Bronc. C’mon girls! Wouldn’t that be more fun than spamming the poor woman?
November 14, 2011 at 7:39 pm
I’ll do it if I can see the pic of Bronc’s rump.
November 14, 2011 at 8:18 pm
I’ll drink to that!
November 15, 2011 at 3:50 am
I nominate myself to take said photo of Bronc’s rump.
I might need to take several, or even a video, to get the perfect shot. We couldn’t let him get an inaccurate reading, now could we??
November 15, 2011 at 6:16 am
I’m mostly bothered by the horrible punctuation. Do you think she’d mind if I corrected it and sent it back to her? I’g send it via snail-mail, of course.
November 14, 2011 at 5:01 pm
If you like Ms. Stallone’s website, you can use this on any site on the ‘net — even Regretsy.com — to give it the same…um…nostalgic charm.
http://wonder-tonic.com/geocitiesizer/
November 14, 2011 at 5:09 pm
That is the coolest thing I’ve seen in a long time, thanks. (;
November 14, 2011 at 5:49 pm
This might explain the appearance of an ex’s website. Dark purple writing on black, silver on gold. That reminds me, where’s the Tums?
Oh, and I plugged in Regretsy for the hellish fun of it. What were all the avatars doing, scratching their heads?
November 14, 2011 at 6:15 pm
too bad it doesn’t make crappy websites look modern
November 14, 2011 at 6:19 pm
At first glance I thought the link was for http://www.geocitiesanitizer.com and that it was for de-blinging bad sites. Alas.
November 14, 2011 at 8:53 pm
Amazing, thanks! I can’t believe I could miss something like this with all the time I spend on the internet.
November 14, 2011 at 9:44 pm
I couldn’t resist the temptation to run Jackie’s site through this: http://wonder-tonic.com/geocitiesizer/content.php?theme=3&music=8&url=http://www.jacquelinestallone.com/rumps.html
November 14, 2011 at 5:12 pm
The Skeptic’s Dictionary, on Rumpology
http://www.skepdic.com/rumpology.html
I call your attention to the first photograph on this page, and the accompanying text:
Ulf Buck (left) is a Rump Reader from Meldorf, Germany. He’s also blind, yet he claims he can read people’s futures by feeling their naked buttocks. (Ivan Kelly calls him an asstrologer.)
You thought I was making a JOKE about Braille Rumpology, didn’t you!? Harrump!
November 16, 2011 at 7:50 pm
I think I may be ill.
November 14, 2011 at 5:13 pm
Since when is a blog not a website, since when are we “viewers” of Regretsy, and does she really expect us to believe she’s read The Fountainhead with the way she writes?
November 14, 2011 at 5:35 pm
I’ll probably cop some flak for this, but I don’t think she writes all that badly. I mean, she’s obviously old and batty, and she has an unfortunate predilection for random full stops, but her writing style per se isn’t terrible. I’ve seen far worse from much saner people. (I’m a translator and proof-reader, and you wouldn’t believe the quality of the work some companies submit.)
November 14, 2011 at 5:49 pm
oh! Kudos for the correct spelling of “per se” (clap clap clap) Thank you!
November 14, 2011 at 6:22 pm
I can’t get over your screen name, Dick Wadd, if I may be so informal with you?
November 14, 2011 at 6:39 pm
Why, thank you, good Sir Wadd. I’m honoured. Your seal means more to me than the coveted ‘This-item-made-the-Etsy-front-page’ badge ever could.
November 15, 2011 at 5:57 am
Is there any other way to spell it?
November 15, 2011 at 6:12 am
Lots of people spell it ‘per say’, unaware that the phrase is Latin rather English.
*sigh*
November 15, 2011 at 6:13 am
Rather THAN, even.
*double sigh*
November 15, 2011 at 6:29 am
I see…I’ve never run into that, that I can recall…
Kind of like WAH-LAH!
November 15, 2011 at 2:28 pm
‘Wah-lah’ drives me mad. Seriously, what happened to foreign-language learning in the US?
‘Per say’ is unfortunately all too common. I regularly come across it on the Internet. Again, Americans appear to be the worst offenders.
November 15, 2011 at 2:28 pm
WILL be sharing this Official Seal! (That is, if I may have your permission, RW?
November 15, 2011 at 5:31 pm
The Official Seal of TGAGHPOATIGAP is not to be used lightly. Use it well, grasshopper.
November 14, 2011 at 5:55 pm
I agree. I majored in English, and I knew people in my upper division classed who wouldn’t have written this as well as she did.
November 14, 2011 at 6:09 pm
I guess I’m attending a better school than I thought, then. I was referring to her grammer and syntax rather than style because that really gets my goat in people who claim to be professionals.
November 14, 2011 at 6:46 pm
Neither her grammar (that’s how the word is spelled) nor her syntax is particularly heinous. Yes, she makes small mistakes here and there, but they are hardly earth-shattering. I’ve seen infinitely worse.
Referring to readers of a website as ‘viewers’, though… yes, that IS odd.
November 14, 2011 at 7:02 pm
I don’t know, when have you seen people “rolling” their hands?
November 14, 2011 at 7:21 pm
Yeah, that’s a bad one, no two ways about it. There are more less-than-fortunate expressions in the text, but even so I stand by my opinion that Mrs Stallone is not as syntactically challenged as some people are making her out to be. She obviously had a decent education 75 years ago. She may have lost the plot a little since then, but she knows how to write a coherent text in which the sentences follow each logically, points are being made clearly and most of the grammar and spelling is all right. That’s more than I can say for the majority of people who post on the Internet.
November 15, 2011 at 2:50 pm
“lost the plot!”
November 14, 2011 at 5:19 pm
You know, I’m still pondering this from when I read the original post:
If I were to send her a photo of my husband’s ‘rump’ and posed it as my own, would she know better? I mean, since she’s all rump-omnipotent and stuff.
I’d shit myself if she told me I had a hormonal imbalance and that’s why the rest of my life looks like a huge grey area. (no pun intended, although my ass IS pretty pasty)
November 14, 2011 at 5:21 pm
So far I am moved to tears by her thoughtful, heartfelt defense of Geocities peer awards. She referred to them as a “grass roots” movement of sorts, one of pure democracy”
I am sure Jackie has seen a movement or two, I mean that has to be an occupational hazards what with all the scat lovers who darken the door of the internet, but let’s get back to the Democracy of allowing people to pay you to look at their asses shall we?
I believe it was Jefferson who wrote in the Declaration, “a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.” Of course here he was clearly referring to the separation of butt cheeks…
There may be more, but I have to go refill on Makers Mark.
November 14, 2011 at 5:24 pm
“Does Ms. Killer think I am stupid (don’t answer that – obviously she does). Here’s a tip in selling. If you want to ensure you have only SERIOUS customers who respect your work, you must charge the appropriate fee. Does Ms. Killer want a reading for herself, but cannot afford the fee? One has to wonder why the price bothers her, when clearly, she does not believe in my work.”
…. The prices bothers her/everyone because no one believes in your work.
November 14, 2011 at 5:45 pm
I think April should take her up on that offer! even I will pocket out for that!
November 14, 2011 at 5:35 pm
I happen to think “the worst in human nature” is applicable to people who charge $600 from gullible people for using their asses in divination. I also think the gullible, rich idiots who have this kind of money to throw around while other people cannot even fucking survive are pretty wretched as well. So, conclusion, TeamApril has raised tens of thousands for charity and has given it directly to people in this community and J. Stallone has raised… maybe $600 in reading people’s asses and she injected it all into her face. Worst in human nature? You tell me.
November 14, 2011 at 5:35 pm
Favorite part?
“The entire point of my submission requirements is that one can use a digital camera to take a picture (as opposed to using a film camera and risking an embarrassing development – PUN INTENDED).”
Oh-ho-ho!
November 14, 2011 at 5:43 pm
can I sue her for deleting my post innocently asking where the rum was? … I want an pology!!!!!!
November 14, 2011 at 5:48 pm
Wow, she really doesn’t understand how life works.
November 14, 2011 at 5:49 pm
why are you chuckleheads so funny? if i am grumpy, all i have to do is come here to cheer myself up. either that or take a xanax, and i’m running out.
November 14, 2011 at 6:04 pm
Yeah, but unlike Xanax, Regretsy is free. Thank you April. You’re awesome.
November 14, 2011 at 8:05 pm
And Regretsy doesn’t cause drowsiness.
November 14, 2011 at 6:24 pm
Today’s one of the best—I keep coming back and giggling with all the new posts and many of the old.
November 14, 2011 at 5:53 pm
Comments are back.
“Coimments – You must be signed in and your comment will be moderated.”
November 14, 2011 at 5:54 pm
At least she’s admitting that she’s censoring her criticism.
November 14, 2011 at 5:56 pm
Wow. She’s removed all comments . . . . I guess I missed out on that fuckery train. Now, one must create an account and have submitted comments moderated. For fuck’s sake. This is the internet. If you put yourself out there, you do so knowing that someone may contradict you, make fun of you, or call you out. Lame.
November 14, 2011 at 6:01 pm
In an act of childish bitterness I will admit that I flagged her post as purely personal. She titles it “in defense of rumpology”, but from the parts I was able to stay awake to read, this… blog entry, for lack of a better term, bagged on April, us her followers, and the entire Regretsy concept of …
of… Goddamnit. Johnny Bravo doing the Monkey…
Yeah. There goes my train of thought again..
November 14, 2011 at 6:07 pm
. . . and you are brilliant. I’ve just done the same. The thought never occurred to me in the first place. I have the brain capacity of a gold fish. Don’t judge me.
November 15, 2011 at 5:48 am
soooo….April (and we) can make fun of her, but when she does it to April/us, we flag her?
November 14, 2011 at 6:03 pm
Oi. She left one. Some astrologer who uses a lolcat as their logo.
November 14, 2011 at 6:16 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
November 14, 2011 at 6:33 pm
I am so tempted, but I’ll be good.
November 14, 2011 at 6:43 pm
Don’t waste your time.
November 15, 2011 at 5:59 am
This isn’t 4chan
November 14, 2011 at 6:03 pm
OK, I just love: “Taint Master™”
Brilliant.
November 14, 2011 at 6:08 pm
We have Asstrologers here, but we call them proctologists. And really the only future they can tell you is that it will burn when you poop for about three weeks.
November 14, 2011 at 6:09 pm
Can’t you just see the readings? “You have a tendency to do things back to front in your life and this may hinder you in finding a mate…”
November 14, 2011 at 6:10 pm
Also, has anyone else gone and read her profile on that website?
It makes it even better when you realise that she wrote it herself.
November 14, 2011 at 6:19 pm
OK, really.
You have a big site up all about promoting how you can tell the future and know all sorts of stuff by looking at people’s asses.
If you had even a lick of sense, you’d realize just how ridiculous that might look to someone in the general public. And you’d know that people are going to laugh at it and make fun of it, because you’re going on about looking at people’s asses to tell the future.
If you’re going to put out your ass obsession for the world to see, you damn well better be prepared for someone to use your claims for comedy and mockery. It’s fucking INEVITABLE.
And if you’re so thin-skinned that you have to pitch a fit when someone does mock, then you shouldn’t be putting it out there in the first place.
What we have here is a severe lack of self-awareness and empathy. Part of empathy is not blaming people for laughing when you do something goofy and bizarre. Maybe even laugh along. But she hasn’t learned that yet…may not ever…
November 14, 2011 at 6:41 pm
I can’t get over your use of “lick” in regards to this subject matter….
November 15, 2011 at 6:00 am
if one has a lick of sense, one wouldn’t put it out there in the first place, so…
November 15, 2011 at 3:07 pm
One wonders . . . .
November 16, 2011 at 6:31 am
one is the loneliest number
November 16, 2011 at 8:57 am
One is the loneliest wonderer, sometimes.
November 14, 2011 at 6:26 pm
“the speed of my Internet connection is nobody’s business”
I want that on a sampler. And a T-shirt.
November 14, 2011 at 6:38 pm
I want it on the butt of a pair of slacks. Maybe something in a velour with a matching zip-up jacket?
November 14, 2011 at 6:37 pm
I just had the shittiest day ever and I swear to god, this made everything okay.
I’m also super drunk, but I love all you fat, jealous losers. Even you, Ms. Killer (IF THAT IS YOUR REAL NAME)
November 14, 2011 at 6:41 pm
I shudder to think of the poor soul who has to pick that glove up!
November 14, 2011 at 6:51 pm
i tried to read the original, but with all the “Ms. Killer”‘s, I felt like I was reading “miss manners”column times 1000.
November 14, 2011 at 6:54 pm
“The website has many articles (thus it appears to be mostly a blog disguised as a website)” Not sure what she means – maybe something like this?
November 14, 2011 at 7:12 pm
She just really has no idea what’s going on.
November 14, 2011 at 7:06 pm
There’s a lesson to be learned in all of this: She can take a joke, and she’ll never insult you back, but don’t even think about making fun of her website designer!
November 14, 2011 at 7:10 pm
*Delurking*
I’ve been lurking for days, as a newbie catching up on old posts but THIS one brought me out – her “Defense of Rumpology” is the funniest thing I’ve seen in a while!
November 14, 2011 at 7:11 pm
There are some ways to determine whether a website sucks. One is if it plays music when it loads. If it plays crappy midi music, it sucks balls, and if it can’t be stopped, it sucks the *whole* package, baby.
November 15, 2011 at 3:54 am
I’m lost. Why is sucking balls, or even the entire package, a bad thing?
November 16, 2011 at 9:10 am
ok, I was going to make answer spycedtx, explaining that sucking the entire package at once might require a goatse’d mouth,
- but then the brain jumped ahead to what that would look like,
- then how one’s jowls might sag after such an operation,
- then how plastic surgery to correct the fiasco would be doomed to failure,
- and then what THAT would look like (for a
stoolStallone-sample, see April’s last selection in the original post),- and accidentally created a feed-back loop that ripped a hole in the fabric of the universe in my brain and passed out.
So I will not post it.
November 16, 2011 at 8:01 pm
ButtsDontLie, you have reduced me to a giggling puddle of tears! Thank you!
November 14, 2011 at 7:12 pm
“But I can see my lawyers licking their lips and rolling their hands.. I’ll try to hold them off.”
1. rub, not roll
2. They are licking their lips at the thought of how much of your ass-cash that they can get off you.
3. If you really want to hold them off show them your face – that should keep them at least a city block away.
November 14, 2011 at 7:18 pm
Aliceblue, surely there’s a law against #3? If not, for the sake of all that’s human, there oughta be a law!
November 14, 2011 at 7:39 pm
Hmmm, Geneva Convention for prisoners of war, 8th amendment prohibits cruel and unusual punishment for prisoners in U.S. Not sure if there is.
November 14, 2011 at 7:47 pm
Spitting image of her!
November 14, 2011 at 9:22 pm
As I read the 8th Amendment, Ms. Stallone’s face cannot be shown to prisoners of the United States government. Sadly, it remains constitutional to show her face to poor innocent civilians.
November 15, 2011 at 5:45 am
If her lawyers practise martial arts, maybe they ARE rolling their hands.
http://www.dailykungfu.com/2010/11/secrets-of-bagua-rolling-hands.html
November 14, 2011 at 7:24 pm
November 14, 2011 at 7:44 pm
November 14, 2011 at 7:40 pm
(I posted this in the forums, but I’ll post it here as well)
Nobody knows who that Mr or Ms. Hellen Killer person is, he or she is totally not famous. Unlike me. I’m so famous. And I would like my deriere reading to be taken seriously. Seriously, do you know who I am. I am a celebrity. And he or she brought my son into it. He’s an even bigger celebrity. Here, let me drop some names. These are my close friends I am quoting. They are in movies. I’m super famous.
November 14, 2011 at 7:47 pm
I never realizes Jackie was a Bajoran name.
November 14, 2011 at 8:07 pm
I think this picture was taken the moment before she vomited.
November 14, 2011 at 8:10 pm
possibly during.
November 14, 2011 at 8:08 pm
November 14, 2011 at 7:48 pm
*realized. drunk. fuck it, whatever.
November 14, 2011 at 7:51 pm
bwahahaha god damn it she deleted my ‘serious ass business’ comment.
November 14, 2011 at 7:55 pm
I made an awful noise which was supposed to be laughter when I read the post left by CF4L that she chose to keep… and the response.