Stop or My Mom Will Shoot
A few months ago, I posted this piece about National Treasure Jacqueline Stallone, perhaps most famous for passing Sylvester Stallone’s giant cranium through her terrifying loins.
The post was about “Rumpology” – the sophisticated science of looking at someone’s ass and telling their fortune. Ms. Stallone has been offering this invaluable service for many years, though not exactly as a labor of love. She charges $600 to look at a photo of your blowhole, and really, you could get someone to lick it for that much.
To my amazement, Jacqueline responded to the post with a pretend Cease and Desist:
I’m not sure who she’s referring to when she says “we,” but her eyes have been pulled so tight that she probably sees two of everything at this point. Either that, or she was referring to her legal team.
In any case, I did what any normal person would do when Sylvester Stallone’s mother threatens legal action: I watched Judge Judy and fell asleep on the couch.
Then last night, I got an email from an eagle-eyed Regretsian, alerting me to a thousand word meltdown written and posted by the Taint Master™ herself.
Yes, Jacqueline Stallone has issued a response to my observations with a carefully constructed rebuttal, arranged in order of whinypants. Or as she puts it, “I’m picking up the glove.” I can’t tell you how much I appreciate that, and I’m hoping she can look for my keys while she’s down there.
Among the fantastic points she makes:
• Helen Killer may not be my real name
• Regretsy appears to be a play on words
• She’s a celebrity
There is such an embarrassment of riches here that it’s hard to know what to show you first. So I’ll just pick a few of my favorite passages, and you can read the rest on her web page once the Klonopin kicks in.
“On July 20, 2011, Ms. Killer… posted an article about me on her website called: Crack Head (NSFW), (NSFW is supposed to mean “Not Safe For Work”. Quite frankly, I don’t get the joke, if any, intended by the term.)”
THE INTERNET IS HARD
“I have since told her to cease and desist the use of my website images. I am not holding my breath expecting her compliance. But I can see my lawyers licking their lips and rolling their hands.. I’ll try to hold them off.”
Well, seeing as this piece has been up for four months, she’s either doing a very good job of controlling them or they’re really taking their time putting this case together. I can only hope she’s using Dennis Waldron’s lawyer, and they’re getting a break at Kinko’s.
“I require that people send me a printed copy of their digitally photographed (or any other method) picture. It helps, to put it bluntly, ‘keep out the riff raff’ and curtails the obvious danger in this type of work – that people will send me offensive material as their idea of a joke. Just look at Ms. Killer’s work to see why I am so careful!”
There’s a lot of technological mastery on display here, so try to keep up.
You take a picture of your ass with a camera, print it out, and put it in the mail. This requirement is put in place to keep out the riff-raff, and also because everyone knows you can’t print offensive images on paper.
“Ms. Killer then looks for another joke by saying… that I am still on dial-up. Again, how stupid does Ms. Killer think I am (by this point, she must estimate my intelligence to be slightly higher than that of a broken pencil.) By the way, the speed of my Internet connection is nobody’s business.”
Translation: I lost my internet connection while I was writing this because I got a phone call.
“Next, Ms. Killer decides that my website looks like it won a 1992 Geocities website Award. I can only take it from the tone of her entire piece that this is her attempt at insulting my Web designer.”
Well it’s more than an attempt really, but let’s not split hairs.
“Ms. Killer did not show a full screen shot of my website to back up her attempt at an insult. She simply made her claim and left it at that, thus bypassing any question of her opinion, failing to show the clear and easy navigation of the site, the interactivity, the music.”
I think if you’re going to argue that you maintain a sophisticated and well designed web site, you should start by citing the midi music that immediately starts playing the second the page loads, and cannot be stopped without firing a gun at your hard drive.
And she even has a few choice words for you!
“This is followed by 220 comments from her readers, some of which get even more insulting… She panders to the worst in human nature, and that is exactly what she gets.”
Ouch! That burns almost as much as that last liquid facelift!
I’m sure this is just the beginning of the complex legal wrangling that is bound to ensue now that I have escalated matters by pointing out how much Ms. Stallone is starting to look like Carrot Top.
The good news is, they can all fit in the same min-van.
- Read the entire freakout over here. But not all of you at once, because she only has 30 hours of AOL per month.