I think that’s a pretty cool fact. Here’s another: I once sat in a chair that Bowie sat in. I mean, he sat in it long before I did, but I still feel a connection.
Well, maybe he had some CH-CH-CHANGES.
That, or else he committed Rock’n'Roll Suicide.
That face makes me want to Scream Like a Baby.
something, something, track title from ‘Low.’
its the fact that he has one really big eye and one really small eye that bugs me the most. also that one eye is like 2 inches above the other. that must have been one hell of an injury. maybe picaso was his plastic surgeon?
the fact that our teen, there, painted an elder statesmen he [our teen] probably cares nothing about is the first thing that bugs me the most.
the second thing that bugs me the most is that our teen, there, knew something was wrong w/ the eyes of the man who fell to earth but didnt know what it was so our teen just painted his eyes different colors.
what bugs me the most about all that is hard to explain. it has something do w/ an actual real teen would likely know more about wikipedia than a sixty-very-odd-year-old man & still didnt use wikipedia to look up what was wrong w/ that sexagenarian’s eyes. something weird in there somewhere. hard to explain.
then again, nobody said when the “teen artist” was a “teen artist.” mighta been 1972.
In all fairness, it’s his MOM doing the listings, and I’m pretty sure she’s making the final decision on pricing – well, and the idea for listing them for sale in the first place – based on how much she thinks her kid’s art is worth.
You can’t fault the kid. In fact, I feel kinda sorry for him when he grows up and realizes that the rest of the world has vastly different standards than Mommy.
Oh, yes, I recognized her immediately. Oh, the trouble she used to cause in her day. Seemed like a month didn’t go by without her being arrested for drunk driving or marrying and divorcing someone. Good times.
Just because you’re a teen, doesn’t mean you don’t need to hear you suck sometimes. How else do you get better? This is why kids today all grow up thinking they’re special snowflakes who are beyond criticism.
Just remember, you are unique and special…just like every other person in the world.
If David Bowie had a stroke… but seriously, this isn’t so bad… or… good? When I see the title “Regretsy Math” I think of the Lewinsky + Wolverine “Pretty Girl” and I fully expect to see something as titillating. This one’s a little “meh”-inducing.
reminds me of what I used to say about some men, they’re blockers, they, this painting, and other things look good from a block away. Btw, I REALLY love your avatar and screenname. very awesome.
I like how it starts out with “Jordan Allen, teen artist in Maine”, and ends with “Jordan Allen, a Maine artist”. As if we might have forgotten that by the end of the description.
That’s the lusty, busty Adrienne Barbeau, most famously from Maude. She once said that it took her a while to realize that she was always entering a scene by bouncing down the stairs. She had a good sense of humor about it all.
It’s actually a really good portrait of Bowie that one time at his funeral – where a guest mistook his corpse for a bread dip and thought nobody would notice the facial collapse if he pulled the skin back up to almost meet the scalp.
The wide-set eyes and upturned nose totally make me think of Tabatha who hosts that Salon Takeover show on Bravo. She’s like the salon world’s version of Gordon Ramsay.
Yeah, I posted one of them up there ^ somewhere. With glitter and everything.
I think it’s the mom that needs the criticism here. Her kid’s practicing his art, and I think that’s great – that’s the only way he’ll learn how to do it. His mom’s the one who’s decided it’s good enough to sell, and at top prices no less. If her kid gets criticism, it sucks but it’s HER fault for thrusting him out into the public eye when he’s not ready.
If you’re not ready to have your art figuratively (hell, maybe even literally) ripped to shreds by critics, you’re NOT READY TO SELL IT. As an adult “artist,” she should know better.
Yay, Helen used my submission! I am always trolling Etsy for horrible David Bowie art. I think this is what Bowie must look like in a parallel universe where he didn’t make a deal with the devil to look awesome after all that cocaine.
betsyregretsythewonderhorse
November 11, 2011 at 6:51 am
I wonder if the museum of bad art (yes,its a real place,and it’s awesome!) would commission this,or any of our Maine artists’ masterpieces. Although, I do kinda like the pretzel painting in his shop..despite the pompous description and $52 price tag.
I like it. Jordan, keep painting. And in the long life you have ahead of you, remember that there’s a lot of folk out there who can’t paint but can bitch. Don’t ever be tempted to trade places with them.
Judging by the previous “original” painting listed, s/he’s going through Mama’s old album covers. Better than learning by copying her stuff, I guess. How low can you go?
November 10, 2011 at 4:41 pm
Holy crap… you forgot to add the reuses monkey in a powdered wig face on mars…
November 10, 2011 at 4:42 pm
and Sloth
November 10, 2011 at 4:43 pm
…and a little E.T. in there…
November 10, 2011 at 4:43 pm
and Michael Jackson, the final years.
November 10, 2011 at 4:55 pm
it totally looks like MJ with a red wig on…
November 11, 2011 at 5:11 am
and Voldemort!
November 11, 2011 at 12:08 pm
It’s Jane Velez Mitchell… no math necessary.
November 10, 2011 at 4:47 pm
Re-uses monkeys? Is that what we’re calling Etsy staffers these days?
(forgive me, I’m not usually a spelling-snarker but I’m just too tickled at this one)
November 10, 2011 at 4:48 pm
Chrome Spell check, I clicked on the wrong one and didn’t notice until too late.
November 10, 2011 at 4:52 pm
Don’t worry, I think no less of you (I know you were deeply concerned about my opinion), it’s just that I can’t stop giggling about re-uses monkeys.
November 10, 2011 at 4:56 pm
Would have been worse with my original spelling… reeses…
Have fun with that.
November 10, 2011 at 7:57 pm
It’s an Indian name. Like Dances With Wolves.
November 10, 2011 at 4:56 pm
I like it! Am trying to imagine how one would upcycle a monkey.
November 10, 2011 at 5:17 pm
like this.
http://www.etsy.com/listing/80153550/upcycled-monkey-catnip-toy
November 10, 2011 at 5:39 pm
I can’t get over the artful display… old book on clown sheets! Barnwood better watch out.
November 10, 2011 at 5:17 pm
Haven’t you always wanted an upcycled mon-KEY?
November 10, 2011 at 5:26 pm
But not a real upcycled monkey, that’s cruel.
November 10, 2011 at 5:26 pm
Monkeys make anything funny.
Medical fact.
November 11, 2011 at 3:43 pm
Especially anal-dwelling butt monkeys.
November 10, 2011 at 6:58 pm
I’m pretty sure there’s some Voldemort in there too.
November 11, 2011 at 3:58 am
to be fair to the “artist” your description sounds pretty close to what Bowie was trying to put out in his early years…
November 10, 2011 at 4:44 pm
I knew his differently-colored eyes were the result of an injury, but I honestly had NO idea he suffered from a gaping head wound!
Also, there is something vaguely Michael-Jackson-circa-2009 going on there…
November 10, 2011 at 5:43 pm
Pedantic fact: not different colored eyes, just different sized pupils.
November 10, 2011 at 4:44 pm
Useless fact. My Dad went to school with David Bowie. He said he was a bit of a weirdo back then too.
November 10, 2011 at 4:45 pm
We were all weird back then, Sam.
November 10, 2011 at 4:51 pm
I’m still weird. Although I wasn’t alive back then.
November 11, 2011 at 2:51 pm
Which is also weird.
November 10, 2011 at 5:25 pm
I think that’s a pretty cool fact. Here’s another: I once sat in a chair that Bowie sat in. I mean, he sat in it long before I did, but I still feel a connection.
November 10, 2011 at 5:27 pm
I think that was gum.
November 10, 2011 at 4:44 pm
Sloth’s the first thing I saw.
November 10, 2011 at 4:45 pm
I don’t remember Bowie looking like that in his “early years”… and not even in his Golden Years…
November 10, 2011 at 5:52 pm
Well, maybe he had some CH-CH-CHANGES.
That, or else he committed Rock’n'Roll Suicide.
That face makes me want to Scream Like a Baby.
something, something, track title from ‘Low.’
November 10, 2011 at 4:49 pm
Am I the only one who sees Lord Voldermort in there?
November 10, 2011 at 4:53 pm
If you did the math backwards on this, you could take this picture, subtract Sharon Osbourne, and get Lord Voldemort.
November 10, 2011 at 4:51 pm
Oh god.. that made me shudder..
What the fuckery fuck
November 10, 2011 at 4:52 pm
its the fact that he has one really big eye and one really small eye that bugs me the most. also that one eye is like 2 inches above the other. that must have been one hell of an injury. maybe picaso was his plastic surgeon?
November 10, 2011 at 11:52 pm
the fact that our teen, there, painted an elder statesmen he [our teen] probably cares nothing about is the first thing that bugs me the most.
the second thing that bugs me the most is that our teen, there, knew something was wrong w/ the eyes of the man who fell to earth but didnt know what it was so our teen just painted his eyes different colors.
what bugs me the most about all that is hard to explain. it has something do w/ an actual real teen would likely know more about wikipedia than a sixty-very-odd-year-old man & still didnt use wikipedia to look up what was wrong w/ that sexagenarian’s eyes. something weird in there somewhere. hard to explain.
then again, nobody said when the “teen artist” was a “teen artist.” mighta been 1972.
November 10, 2011 at 4:53 pm
$625
FFS
November 10, 2011 at 5:03 pm
I was tsking a bit in my head initially–you know, spare the youngster’s feelings and all. Then I saw the asking price and thought, “Game on.”
November 11, 2011 at 12:52 pm
In all fairness, it’s his MOM doing the listings, and I’m pretty sure she’s making the final decision on pricing – well, and the idea for listing them for sale in the first place – based on how much she thinks her kid’s art is worth.
You can’t fault the kid. In fact, I feel kinda sorry for him when he grows up and realizes that the rest of the world has vastly different standards than Mommy.
November 11, 2011 at 12:58 pm
And based on her work, I’m not surprised she thinks her son’s is so great:
Yes, that is glitter. Oh, and her “signature heart dotted ‘i’.”
However, she didn’t take the obvious opportunity to class this up by using a googly eye, so I think I’ll pass.
November 10, 2011 at 4:53 pm
A bit of this too:
November 10, 2011 at 5:10 pm
The Hunchback Of 90210
(OK, so I exaggerated her features…a LITTLE)
November 10, 2011 at 5:27 pm
For a second I thought it was Kim Khardashian and then was very disappointed that it wasn’t.
November 10, 2011 at 5:31 pm
Nah, dats ShanDoh. She has a face like a Picasso!
November 10, 2011 at 6:47 pm
Oh, yes, I recognized her immediately. Oh, the trouble she used to cause in her day. Seemed like a month didn’t go by without her being arrested for drunk driving or marrying and divorcing someone. Good times.
November 10, 2011 at 4:54 pm
http://www.etsy.com/listing/75792556/johnny-cash-man-in-black-original
Johnny Cash-VanHelsing
November 10, 2011 at 5:11 pm
Meanwhile, with both more skill and more modesty, Regretsy friend Larriva* goes forth thus:
http://www.etsy.com/listing/83178802/star-trek-tng-worf-klingon-original-oil
*of the amazing sculpted hoppers fame
November 10, 2011 at 5:17 pm
ZOMG! Must have!!!!
November 10, 2011 at 11:55 pm
i want one of danthon!
or darmok & jalad at tenagra!
or maybe just of tenagra!
November 10, 2011 at 11:55 pm
*-n, sorry. dathon. feh. to me.
November 12, 2011 at 5:01 am
I want one of Shaka, when the walls fell. Or perhaps Temba, his arms wide.
I considered Sokath, his eyes uncovered, but that would just clash with the existing paint in the bathroom.
November 10, 2011 at 8:31 pm
With some Wayne Newton thrown in.
November 10, 2011 at 4:59 pm
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November 10, 2011 at 6:03 pm
Oh stop being so dramatic. You have to be over 18 to have an Etsy store. She’s not a child.
November 10, 2011 at 10:16 pm
That only means there’s hope she’ll improve.
Speaking as a former teenager who was into art — a lot of kids could do a LOT better and they still shouldn’t be charging pro prices.
November 11, 2011 at 6:30 am
Just because you’re a teen, doesn’t mean you don’t need to hear you suck sometimes. How else do you get better? This is why kids today all grow up thinking they’re special snowflakes who are beyond criticism.
Just remember, you are unique and special…just like every other person in the world.
November 10, 2011 at 4:59 pm
It’s a simian centerfold – coming out in next month’s Playape.
November 11, 2011 at 6:23 am
I THOUGHT this looked like something out of Planet of the Apes. *facepalm*
November 11, 2011 at 1:02 pm
Totally agree! I was certain that Cornelius was going to figure into the math!! I think Cornelius + Miranda gets you there faster.
November 10, 2011 at 5:00 pm
$625? Poor kid is gonna have his heart broken once he ventures out from under Momma’s wing.
November 10, 2011 at 5:28 pm
Read that as “once he venture out from under Momma’s wig.” That’s true, too.
November 10, 2011 at 5:01 pm
“Jordan Allen, a teen artist from Maine, created this original portrait painting…”
STOP LETTING YOUR KIDS POST ON ETSY
November 10, 2011 at 5:07 pm
If David Bowie had a stroke… but seriously, this isn’t so bad… or… good? When I see the title “Regretsy Math” I think of the Lewinsky + Wolverine “Pretty Girl” and I fully expect to see something as titillating. This one’s a little
“meh”-inducing.November 10, 2011 at 5:08 pm
where’s the artist from again?
November 10, 2011 at 5:55 pm
Honestly I kind of hope he’s from a down south (maybe Boston area) and those Massholes are just trying to make us look bad.
Joke’s on them, though. Our governor already makes us look far worse than any teen artist ever could.
November 10, 2011 at 7:33 pm
The description says Maine.
I blame the poor TV reception in the New England backwoods…
November 16, 2011 at 6:50 pm
Next large-scale gaffe he makes, feel free to have some shots with me to drown out the LePage-rage
November 10, 2011 at 5:11 pm
I think that the late years Michael Jackson needs to figure in this equation somewhere.
November 10, 2011 at 5:14 pm
Christina Hendrix plus the MCP from Tron.
November 10, 2011 at 5:19 pm
A touch of Joan Collins, post Dallas?
November 10, 2011 at 5:20 pm
You know, if you look at it from a distance it really is quite good.
November 10, 2011 at 5:29 pm
Thanks! That’s just about the right size to make it attractive.
November 10, 2011 at 6:07 pm
yeah the distance between the USA and New Zealand
November 10, 2011 at 8:18 pm
I think I need to be further away.
November 11, 2011 at 5:51 am
Good from far, far from good… Like an online dating kind of thing.
November 11, 2011 at 6:25 am
reminds me of what I used to say about some men, they’re blockers, they, this painting, and other things look good from a block away. Btw, I REALLY love your avatar and screenname. very awesome.
November 10, 2011 at 5:23 pm
I like how it starts out with “Jordan Allen, teen artist in Maine”, and ends with “Jordan Allen, a Maine artist”. As if we might have forgotten that by the end of the description.
November 10, 2011 at 6:37 pm
Makes me wanna hang out at a “teen dance”.
November 10, 2011 at 5:28 pm
I think Meathead from “Meatballs 2″ figures in this equation too:
November 10, 2011 at 5:48 pm
The photo of Cynthia Nixon should be from that episode of ER that she did, playing a stroke victim.
November 10, 2011 at 6:02 pm
Wait, who is the first picture? I ask because to me, it looks like an 80′s hair band loving April Winchell. Tell me someone else sees it!
November 10, 2011 at 6:49 pm
That’s the lusty, busty Adrienne Barbeau, most famously from Maude. She once said that it took her a while to realize that she was always entering a scene by bouncing down the stairs. She had a good sense of humor about it all.
November 11, 2011 at 8:29 am
I’m pretty sure that’s Erin Moran, from happy Days.
November 10, 2011 at 9:35 pm
?????
I’m seeing l’il Joanie Cunningham (-Chachi).
November 10, 2011 at 11:44 pm
i thought it was joanie -chachi too.
i just wasnt sure, i am parboiled that it’s adrienne barbeau. yow.
November 11, 2011 at 7:55 am
It is Joanie (Erin Moran).
Adrienne Barbeau has brown eyes.
(I’m probably one of the six people in the world who ever noticed at her eyes…)
November 11, 2011 at 8:25 am
Yes, you’re all correct–it’s Erin Moran. I’m so sorry. (I guess my vision was a bit warped by the painting at the top.)
November 10, 2011 at 6:07 pm
JURY ETSY
November 10, 2011 at 6:09 pm
if you arent the painting equivalent of thomas chatterton, you are not a teen artist. you are a kid w/ paint.
November 10, 2011 at 6:27 pm
I see a mix between Sissy Spacek and Voldemort.
November 10, 2011 at 6:29 pm
It’s actually a really good portrait of Bowie that one time at his funeral – where a guest mistook his corpse for a bread dip and thought nobody would notice the facial collapse if he pulled the skin back up to almost meet the scalp.
November 10, 2011 at 6:36 pm
Is this what they call ‘That Innsmouth Look’?
November 10, 2011 at 7:55 pm
Needs to be a little more froggy.
November 10, 2011 at 6:45 pm
Terrible David Bowie. Awesome Rocky Dennis.
November 10, 2011 at 7:05 pm
Looks like Napoleon did it. Killer shading on the upper lip.
November 10, 2011 at 7:07 pm
The wide-set eyes and upturned nose totally make me think of Tabatha who hosts that Salon Takeover show on Bravo. She’s like the salon world’s version of Gordon Ramsay.
November 10, 2011 at 7:12 pm
The artist worked from the wrong photo. It is actually a painting of Tina Majorino.
November 10, 2011 at 7:29 pm
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November 10, 2011 at 8:04 pm
I think HK answered this above.
November 11, 2011 at 8:16 am
Yes, I’m sure you never made a Justin Bieber joke.
You have to be 18 to have an Etsy store. If you’re old enough to be charging professional prices for your work, you’re old enough for criticism.
November 11, 2011 at 9:11 am
Not that I’ll be making fun of the kid any less, but the mom owns the store. She has some art there too which is equally as “great”.
November 11, 2011 at 1:05 pm
Yeah, I posted one of them up there ^ somewhere. With glitter and everything.
I think it’s the mom that needs the criticism here. Her kid’s practicing his art, and I think that’s great – that’s the only way he’ll learn how to do it. His mom’s the one who’s decided it’s good enough to sell, and at top prices no less. If her kid gets criticism, it sucks but it’s HER fault for thrusting him out into the public eye when he’s not ready.
If you’re not ready to have your art figuratively (hell, maybe even literally) ripped to shreds by critics, you’re NOT READY TO SELL IT. As an adult “artist,” she should know better.
November 10, 2011 at 7:31 pm
The Portrait of David Bowie. Instead of David, this picture gets uglier for him.
November 10, 2011 at 7:57 pm
So we’ve got a Dorian Gray effect going on?
November 10, 2011 at 8:55 pm
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November 10, 2011 at 10:20 pm
Are you kidding? Last I saw he was looking damn fine for a man in his 60′s.
November 11, 2011 at 8:31 am
Are you blind? David Bowie is looking really good. Especially for a man in his 60′s!
November 10, 2011 at 9:38 pm
Were it a kid without a completely deluded impression of his own skill level, that would be one thing.
$650? Begging for the reality stick.
November 11, 2011 at 6:29 am
more like the whole reality tree.
November 10, 2011 at 10:56 pm
It scares me that I recognized who it was supposed to be, despite the quality.
November 11, 2011 at 12:27 am
Me too, from the tiny thumbnail. The zoom wasn’t so hot though!
November 11, 2011 at 6:15 am
Yay, Helen used my submission! I am always trolling Etsy for horrible David Bowie art. I think this is what Bowie must look like in a parallel universe where he didn’t make a deal with the devil to look awesome after all that cocaine.
November 11, 2011 at 6:51 am
I wonder if the museum of bad art (yes,its a real place,and it’s awesome!) would commission this,or any of our Maine artists’ masterpieces. Although, I do kinda like the pretzel painting in his shop..despite the pompous description and $52 price tag.
November 11, 2011 at 7:04 am
My first thought is to scramble away because he looks like he’s about of vomit…
November 11, 2011 at 7:04 am
I think i just found the picture he was copying from.
November 11, 2011 at 8:31 am
Don’t mess with Ziggy Stardust.
November 11, 2011 at 8:54 pm
Nah…it was this one…
November 12, 2011 at 7:40 am
you know, I think you have something there. I stand corrected, and bow to your superior knowledge.
*curtseys*
November 11, 2011 at 9:43 am
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November 11, 2011 at 10:45 am
I think you may have gotten lost on the way. Blowing smoke up someone’s ass belongs on the Etsy forums. Also on really specific fetish sites.
November 11, 2011 at 6:36 pm
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November 11, 2011 at 11:41 am
“teen artist”
Cmon, just admit you’re a student.
November 11, 2011 at 11:49 am
This was his “Jane Hathaway” period.
November 12, 2011 at 2:06 pm
I was thinking sleestack in there somewhere (the nose area).
November 12, 2011 at 9:23 pm
Judging by the previous “original” painting listed, s/he’s going through Mama’s old album covers. Better than learning by copying her stuff, I guess. How low can you go?