For many years now, I’ve celebrated this magical time of year by making my library of hideous holiday music available for anyone who can stand it.

I used to do this over at aprilwinchell.com, but I haven’t been able to update that site since I started working on Regretsy. Still, I can’t really let the holidays get underway without smearing this shit all over the internet for your already unpleasant family gatherings.

Feel free to make this your holiday playlist, if only to hasten the end of your get-togethers. Nothing gets a drunk out of your house at Christmas faster than this shit on a loop.

Rudolph (The Five Petals)
Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer (Donald Trump and Regis Philbin) My idea of HELL
Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer (Woody the Woodchuck)
Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer (Sonovox)
Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer (William Hung)
Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer (Tiny Tim)
Bethlehem Rap (Unknown)
Blue Christmas (Porky Pig)
Christmas Seals Campaign (Jack Klugman)
Christmas Seals Campaign (Barbara Feldon)
Rocking Disco Santa (American Song Poem Archives)
If Bette Davis sang “Feliz Navidad” (Jimmy James) Web site here
R2-D2 We Wish You A Merry Christmas (from the album “Christmas in the Stars”. Lead vocals by Jon Bon Jovi)
Carol of the Bells (Laffy)
Bubble Tub (Carrie Lanza)
Chicken Dreidel (Unknown)
Hark, the Herald Angels Sing (Chinese Children’s Choir)
I Was Santa Claus at the School House for the PTA (Yogi Yorgesson)
I Yust Go Nuts at Christmas (Yogi Yorgesson)
Let it Snow (8 Bit) Made from sampled video game sound effects
An Orphan Christmas (Claire Lane)
12 Days of Christmas (Fay McKay)
Sleigh Ride (Dangerwoman)
Sleigh Ride (Jim Nabors)
Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy (Portsmouth Sinfonia)
Dominick the Christmas Donkey (Lou Monte)
Donde Esta Santa Claus (Charo)
Santa Claus, Will You Please Come Tonight? (Doug Lewis)
Little Drummer Boy (Marlene Dietrich)
Little Drummer Boy (Surfer version)
Frosty the Snowman (Swedish)
Frosty the Snowman (The Brady Bunch)
Frosty the Snowman (Tuba version)
Hip Hop Frosty (Unknown)
Walking Talking Christmas Tree (Gene London)
Get Your Dreidel On (Pudie Tadow)
Merry Christmas (Gordon Thomas)
Auld Lang Syne (Jimi Hendrix)
Homo Christmas (Pansy Division)
Deck the Halls (William Hung)
A Holiday Reminder (William Hung)
Come All Ye Faithful (Inpatient Music Therapy Program)
A Reminder from the Post Office (Jack Webb)
Jingle Cats (Jingle Cats)
Jingle Chicken (Jingle Chicken)
Christmas Without Daddy (Joe Walega and His Happy Hearts)
Joy to the World (Wing)
Little Town of Bethlehem (Sally Kellerman butchers a Christmas Carol)
Hang Your Balls on My Christmas Tree (Kay Martin)
Night Before Christmas (Jay Leno)
The Christmas Dolly (Little Betty Ashley and J.W. Thompson)
Little Mary Christmas (Unknown)
Happy Birthday, Jesus (Major Bill Smith and Nancy Nolte)
Away in a Manger (Whistled by Fred Lowery)
Mele Kalikimaka (Davey Jones)
Merry Christmas, Neighbor (Cast of “Bonanza”)
Messiah (Unknown)
Debbie’s Last Christmas (Nancy La Plante)
Oh Holy Night (Unknown)
Santa 9-11 (Unknown) Merry Fucking Christmas
Santa Claus is Coming to Town (The Brady Bunch)
Santa Claus is Coming to Town (Wing)
Santa Claus is Coming to Town (John Davidson)
Santa Face is Bringing Me a Budgie (Freddy Davis)
Santa Wants Lovin’ (Albert Collins)
Silent Night (Dickies)
Silent Night (Eilert Pilarm)
Come All Ye Faithful (Slim Spincter)
Stick ‘Em Up, Santa (Unknown)
A Christmas moment (Sally Struthers)
Jingle Bells (Tammy Faye)
Jingle Bells (Wing)
Tastee Christmas (Unknown) Make sure the cat is outside
Christmas Cookies and Holiday Hearts (The Caroleer Singers)
Three Letters for Christmas (Walter Brennan)
The Christmas Party (Yogi Yorgesson)
Three Kings Rap (Unknown)
All Are Waiting for Christmas (Tommy Christy)
Two Front Teeth (Unknown) Outstanding entry in the “Adult-Singing-As-Lisping-Child” category
Yingle Bells (Yogi Yorgesson)
Here Comes Santa Claus in Black (Voicedude)
Jingle Bell Hustle (Wayne Newton)
Good King Wenceslas (Woody the Woodchuck)
What’s It To Ya Chorus (Bob Rivers)
Christmas Blowjob (Unknown)

AND FOR THE JEWS…

I realize that I’m only half Jewish, but that doesn’t mean I’m not busy trying to control the media. In fact, it’s an even bigger job for someone like me, seeing as my mother is Italian. I hardly have time to wax my mustache, much less run the New York Times.

And so it was when I first created my Seasonal Favorites mp3 category, and inadvertantly neglected to tip my yarmulke to Hannukah. It’s incumbent upon me to provide some extra special Jew music for every little Binyamin and Gabby to enjoy, as they light the candles and secretly wish they were gentile because Santa is just so much more kick ass than praying for 8 days.

So I’ve added a few cuts from the Klezmer Nutcracker; a stunning blend of traditional Ashkenazi dance music, and the fevered Christmas dream of everyone’s favorite Russian closet case. An arranged match made in heaven!

And while not specifically holiday related, I’ve added a surfer version of Shalom Alechem by Meshugga Beach Party to the OyTunes section. Just to keep it all light and lively at the dinner table.

As we used to say in my house, “Yes, Yoninah, there is a Sanson Claus!”

And then we’d pass the ham.

Sugar Plum Fairy: Klezmer Nutrcracker (Shirim)
Trepak: Klezmer Nutrcracker (Shirim)
Shalom Alechem (Meshugga Beach Party)
Afikomen Mambo (Rabbi Joe Black)
Crazy Jew Rap (Eric Schwartz)
Far From the Home I Love (The Barry Sisters) This is just so wrong
Hava Nagila (Johnny Puleo and his Harmonica Gang)
How Much is that Pickle in the Window? (Mickey Katz)
Knish Doctor (Mickey Katz) Trivia: Mickey Katz is Joel Grey’s father
Kosher Disco (Benny Bell)
Matzoh Ball Soup (Slim Gaillard)
Pincus the Peddler (Benny Bell)
Satisfaction (Sam Chalpin) From My Father, The Pop Singer
Stayin’ Inside (2 Live Jews)
The Muppets Theme (Hebrew)
Matzoh Number 5 (Lou Bagel)

I have commented before on an extremely annoying standard pose employed by many models on Etsy: Looking up in mock wonder at the stupid thing you placed on your own head moments before you took the photo.

I have never understood what women think they’re conveying by striking this pose. I suppose they think it says, “I have a childlike wonder for all things.” I think it says, “I have a short term memory problem.”

Beyond not being able to understand the point of this posturing, I can’t imagine where it came from. Almost every listing shows a winsome young woman unable to come to grips with the thing she just put on her own head. But where did it start? Where did people get the idea that not being able to look at the camera is communicating anything other than painful shyness or sociopathy?

Well, I may have found the answer.

These are the women of Etsy.

They blog about a variety of super cute and super important stories and things, probably while chewing on a fun pen and wearing glasses with no lenses. Their official Etsy portraits reveal a myriad of ways to not look at the camera, or pretend they were caught off-guard.

Chappell

We just happened to catch Chappell when she was lost in thought, smiling to herself in a giant cowl, just like every day at Etsy.

On this particular day, she was so engrossed thinking about shredding old quilts to make hamster bedding that she never even heard the photographer coming!

It wouldn’t have mattered anyway. You see, Chappell is missing a sternocleidomastoid muscle after an unfortunate mishap with a statement necklace, and has to sit with her fist under her jaw to keep her head from lolling to one side.
 
 

 

Julie

Julie gets the ball rolling by looking up and to the leftt. She was going to look up and to the right, but Jane called her the night before and they worked it out.

I’m not sure what Julie is looking at up there, but whatever it is, it certainly is making her feel all cute and giggly.

What do you think it could be?

a) The Kate Bosworth cotton commercial
b) A flyer for a new Farmer’s Market in TriBeCa
c) Her Care Bear backpack
d) A parakeet mirror and bell

Jane

Jane, as agreed, looks up and to the right.

It’s not as fun to look to the right as it is to look to the left, but Jane isn’t really going for dorky glamour.

No, she’s working that corn fed mid-west gal in the big city smile, just marveling at how big the buildings are, and how nice New Yorkers kin be, iff’n you give ‘em a chance.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Christine

Christine shows us an entirely different way not to look at the camera. She doesn’t find any of this fun, she’s too busy thinking about the water table and the fact that pygmy goats will be extinct in another 200 years if we don’t stop farming baby carrots. How can anyone smile in a world like this?

Oh she tries. She wears a funny mustache necklace and a quirky patchwork shirt, and everyone appreciates her efforts to be lighthearted. She even manages to get half a smile on one side of her face. And in a world where some people can’t even get organic juices, that’s no small feat.

Danielle

Oh God. Isn’t it always the way?

You wear your nicest shrug, you put in your feather hair extensions, and then the staff photographer comes along and takes your official Etsy portrait right when you’re drinking out of your giant whimsy cup!

“It just all happened so fast, I didn’t even have a second to put my chai down! Oh Chad, you are such a booger! I am totally going to get you at the next Sadie Hawkins day!”

Cheer up, Danielle! I mean, it could have been worse! You could have been looking down at your pants or something!

Lincoln

Lincoln, if that is her real name, showcases a brand new way to not look at the camera by pretending to look down at her pants or something.

I like to imagine she’s just urinated where she’s standing, and is wondering how hard it’s going to be to get it out of her liederhosen.

Alison

Alison shows Jane how it’s done by looking to the right with such a gooberface that she completely sweeps her for Zooey Deschanel adorkable points.

Caleb

A LITTLE SOMETHING FOR THE LADIES

Not Looking at the camera isn’t just a girl’s game anymore! Of course, the male version isn’t so much whimsy and wonder as it is a serious way to say, Hey bro, way too busy to stop for pictures right now. For real dude, on a deadline. I gotta get this piece about repurposing Nespresso pods into editorial before they run with Jane’s piece about how cool it is to look up and to the right.

From: Chris Kennedy
Subject: Cease & Desist!
Date: November 25, 2011 7:51:56 PM PST
To: Helen@regretsy.com

- CK

Dear Chris, or should I say Chris,

It’s me, Helen Killer. Thank you for being nice. Stern, but nice. I appreciate it, as do my fellow neanderthal derelicts.

You make a number of points in your email, none of which are particularly interesting. But I’m holed up in a hotel in Amsterdam and just flushed the last of the pot down the toilet, so I have no other entertainment available.

First, I must correct you about Michelle. She is actually just a reader who submitted your Etsy listing to me. I have no idea if she’s little, but she isn’t my friend. If you read the site with any regularity, you know I have no friends.

Second, browsing sites you visit is not stalking. Commenting on videos you have publicly posted on YouTube and have enabled for commenting is not hijacking. In fact, seeing as you make instructional videos, you are clearly intending to reach a new audience. And you have. Maybe not the one you hoped for, but let’s not split hairs.

Third, no one needs permission to comment on your smelly, used, ladies jazzercise outfits. You’re trying to sell these horrible, sweat-stained leotards to the public, and you’ve chosen to do so by putting them on over a pair of control tops and modeling them yourself. I don’t just have the right to make fun of you, I consider it my duty.

And finally:

I enjoy a baseless legal threat as much as the next person, but please try to integrate with your other personalities before hiring an attorney. The two of you really need to be on the same page or you’re just going to be objecting to each other’s motions all day, and we’ll never get this thing off the ground.

Have a nice day!

- HK

As you know, I am currently en route to Finland.

We are leaving Amsterdam tomorrow and heading to Copenhagen for a few days, then it’s on to Helsinki, where everything smells like a Reindeer’s ass.

If you’d like to follow my progress and see photos of disgusting airline food, you can catch up here. I will be posing all my travel updates there as often as I can, so check that link during the week. As always, the password is CF4L.