I have commented before on an extremely annoying standard pose employed by many models on Etsy: Looking up in mock wonder at the stupid thing you placed on your own head moments before you took the photo.

I have never understood what women think they’re conveying by striking this pose. I suppose they think it says, “I have a childlike wonder for all things.” I think it says, “I have a short term memory problem.”

Beyond not being able to understand the point of this posturing, I can’t imagine where it came from. Almost every listing shows a winsome young woman unable to come to grips with the thing she just put on her own head. But where did it start? Where did people get the idea that not being able to look at the camera is communicating anything other than painful shyness or sociopathy?

Well, I may have found the answer.

These are the women of Etsy.

They blog about a variety of super cute and super important stories and things, probably while chewing on a fun pen and wearing glasses with no lenses. Their official Etsy portraits reveal a myriad of ways to not look at the camera, or pretend they were caught off-guard.

Chappell

We just happened to catch Chappell when she was lost in thought, smiling to herself in a giant cowl, just like every day at Etsy.

On this particular day, she was so engrossed thinking about shredding old quilts to make hamster bedding that she never even heard the photographer coming!

It wouldn’t have mattered anyway. You see, Chappell is missing a sternocleidomastoid muscle after an unfortunate mishap with a statement necklace, and has to sit with her fist under her jaw to keep her head from lolling to one side.
 
 

 

Julie

Julie gets the ball rolling by looking up and to the leftt. She was going to look up and to the right, but Jane called her the night before and they worked it out.

I’m not sure what Julie is looking at up there, but whatever it is, it certainly is making her feel all cute and giggly.

What do you think it could be?

a) The Kate Bosworth cotton commercial
b) A flyer for a new Farmer’s Market in TriBeCa
c) Her Care Bear backpack
d) A parakeet mirror and bell

Jane

Jane, as agreed, looks up and to the right.

It’s not as fun to look to the right as it is to look to the left, but Jane isn’t really going for dorky glamour.

No, she’s working that corn fed mid-west gal in the big city smile, just marveling at how big the buildings are, and how nice New Yorkers kin be, iff’n you give ‘em a chance.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Christine

Christine shows us an entirely different way not to look at the camera. She doesn’t find any of this fun, she’s too busy thinking about the water table and the fact that pygmy goats will be extinct in another 200 years if we don’t stop farming baby carrots. How can anyone smile in a world like this?

Oh she tries. She wears a funny mustache necklace and a quirky patchwork shirt, and everyone appreciates her efforts to be lighthearted. She even manages to get half a smile on one side of her face. And in a world where some people can’t even get organic juices, that’s no small feat.

Danielle

Oh God. Isn’t it always the way?

You wear your nicest shrug, you put in your feather hair extensions, and then the staff photographer comes along and takes your official Etsy portrait right when you’re drinking out of your giant whimsy cup!

“It just all happened so fast, I didn’t even have a second to put my chai down! Oh Chad, you are such a booger! I am totally going to get you at the next Sadie Hawkins day!”

Cheer up, Danielle! I mean, it could have been worse! You could have been looking down at your pants or something!

Lincoln

Lincoln, if that is her real name, showcases a brand new way to not look at the camera by pretending to look down at her pants or something.

I like to imagine she’s just urinated where she’s standing, and is wondering how hard it’s going to be to get it out of her liederhosen.

Alison

Alison shows Jane how it’s done by looking to the right with such a gooberface that she completely sweeps her for Zooey Deschanel adorkable points.

Caleb

A LITTLE SOMETHING FOR THE LADIES

Not Looking at the camera isn’t just a girl’s game anymore! Of course, the male version isn’t so much whimsy and wonder as it is a serious way to say, Hey bro, way too busy to stop for pictures right now. For real dude, on a deadline. I gotta get this piece about repurposing Nespresso pods into editorial before they run with Jane’s piece about how cool it is to look up and to the right.

From: Chris Kennedy
Subject: Cease & Desist!
Date: November 25, 2011 7:51:56 PM PST
To: Helen@regretsy.com

- CK

Dear Chris, or should I say Chris,

It’s me, Helen Killer. Thank you for being nice. Stern, but nice. I appreciate it, as do my fellow neanderthal derelicts.

You make a number of points in your email, none of which are particularly interesting. But I’m holed up in a hotel in Amsterdam and just flushed the last of the pot down the toilet, so I have no other entertainment available.

First, I must correct you about Michelle. She is actually just a reader who submitted your Etsy listing to me. I have no idea if she’s little, but she isn’t my friend. If you read the site with any regularity, you know I have no friends.

Second, browsing sites you visit is not stalking. Commenting on videos you have publicly posted on YouTube and have enabled for commenting is not hijacking. In fact, seeing as you make instructional videos, you are clearly intending to reach a new audience. And you have. Maybe not the one you hoped for, but let’s not split hairs.

Third, no one needs permission to comment on your smelly, used, ladies jazzercise outfits. You’re trying to sell these horrible, sweat-stained leotards to the public, and you’ve chosen to do so by putting them on over a pair of control tops and modeling them yourself. I don’t just have the right to make fun of you, I consider it my duty.

And finally:

I enjoy a baseless legal threat as much as the next person, but please try to integrate with your other personalities before hiring an attorney. The two of you really need to be on the same page or you’re just going to be objecting to each other’s motions all day, and we’ll never get this thing off the ground.

Have a nice day!

- HK

As you know, I am currently en route to Finland.

We are leaving Amsterdam tomorrow and heading to Copenhagen for a few days, then it’s on to Helsinki, where everything smells like a Reindeer’s ass.

If you’d like to follow my progress and see photos of disgusting airline food, you can catch up here. I will be posing all my travel updates there as often as I can, so check that link during the week. As always, the password is CF4L.

HOLY CRAP THE E-BOOK IS HERE

IF YOU BOUGHT THE BOOK ON KICKSTARTER

An email has already been sent to you, telling you how to download the book. If you bought the book on Kickstarter and don’t see an email from us, check your spam folder. We’e sending out quite a few emails and spam filters pick that up as bulk email.

If it’s not in your spam folder, write to ebook@regretsy.com with a copy of your confirmation from Kickstarter, or some other way we can find you there.

IF YOU BOUGHT THE BOOK ON PAYPAL

We’ve just started sending out the Paypal emails. Again, this may take a while, because we’re sending email out in small batches to avoid being kicked into your spam folder.

If you don’t see an email from us by tomorrow, check your spam folder. If it’s not in your spam folder, write to ebook@regretsy.com with a copy of your Paypal receipt, transaction number or date of purchase and we’ll try to find you.

IF YOU BOUGHT A PRE-LOADED HELLEPHANT

Unfortunately, the Hellephants can’t be pre-loaded. The e-book wasn’t ready until a few hours ago, and we have no way to get to the post office to mail the Hellephants before we leave tomorrow. So rather than make you wait 10 days for the e-book, we’re giving you the link to download the book now, and we’ll send the blank Hellephants when we get back.

We’re really sorry for the inconvenience, but the the PDF took way longer than it was supposed to, and we ran out of time.

IF YOU STILL WANT THE E-BOOK

If you still want the e-book, you can buy it right now!

Click this link and buy the book on Paypal:

When you get your receipt, forward it to ebook@regretsy.com. You will be added to the mailing list and a link will be sent to you.

Use this link to buy the E-book:

I am getting on a plane tomorrow and flying out to visit some of you crazy fat bastard fans in Europe. I’ll be starting in The Netherlands, and we are already well into planning the Regretsy Amsterdam meet-up. If you happen to be out there and want to join us, email me and I will get back to you when I’m able to get online again on the 25th.

After that, we’re in Denmark, and finally, Finland. Helsinki is shaping up to be a tremendous freak show, and I have already been invited to eat bear and get a tattoo. If I can just wrestle a giant octopus at some point, this will all make sense.

Thank you all for your support, and for helping to make this idiocy possible. I will be documenting the whole thing, and it will feel just like you’re there with me. Minus the smell.

PERKELE