Sailor Trouble
Last week, I posted the following request from a Regretsy reader:
From: Lulubelly
Subject: SailorTrouble
My friend’s birthday is in mid-November and I need some assistance with my gift plan.
Years ago we “invented” a game we call SailorTrouble. It involves drinking (naturally) and playing this game — with the added stipulation that every time you hit the Pop-O-Matic dice roller you must swear like a drunken sailor. It’s not as much fun as the sailor trouble we got up to when we were young, but it keeps us from wandering away from the house while the children are sleeping.
I found a portable version of the Trouble game, and I want to make a SailorTrouble rule booklet that includes several pages of swear words. Do you think you could enlist your cabal of cunt flapping snot floggers to assist with this fuckery?
I am sincerely your devoted goat blower,
Lulubelly
If there’s two things I love, it’s creative profanity and birthday presents. And the very idea that some crap-cradling suckpuppet figured out how to blend the two into a big fuck-filled tiramisu… well, it made me piss my Underoos like a shit-flinging wank monkey.
So I asked you to post your most imaginative cursing into the comments, and we’d allow Lulubelly to help herself.
Well you certainly came through. 1,170 comments worth, to be exact, each more disturbing than the last. But then, this is what happens when you have such a vast readership of chunder huffing colon spankers.
Lulubelley has compiled her favorites into a booklet, which she’s made available to our readers as a pdf. She’s carefully arranged your spew into such categories as Family Fun Night, International House of Profanity and Swearing like Shakespeare. Adding the joy of Sailor Trouble to your family gatherings this holiday season is only a click away.
For all you dolphin-fondling bream reamers not up for the effort, I have made smaller pages for your review. Click the images to see a bigger version and leave a comment.
I have still not decided which of these profanities are prize worthy, but I’ll make a decision today and notify you by email.
Keep pumping that sponge, seasquirt!
- Download the booklet cover pdf here
- Download the booket pdf here
October 31, 2011 at 10:53 am
Well aren’t we all just a bunch of foul mouthed fat sad losers!
October 31, 2011 at 12:56 pm
Heavens no… We’re foul-mouthed fat JEALOUS losers. Sheesh.
October 31, 2011 at 10:53 am
That’s so…nice.
October 31, 2011 at 4:00 pm
It really is…Do you have any idea how many hours this saves me from scouring urban dictionary??? I just printed out my copy…got my long stapler and glue stick out…and I’m all ready to perform some really skull fucking shit eating saggy ass schlong jacketing gigs! LOL!! This pamphlet here is a priceless tool!! Thank you so fucking much!!
October 31, 2011 at 10:55 am
I feel like I just read the tourette’s dictionary.
October 31, 2011 at 10:55 am
Anal Aardvark? If I’m not mistaken, that is a Sasha Grey title.
October 31, 2011 at 10:55 am
No need to go Christmas shopping anymore.
You get one and you get one and you get one!
October 31, 2011 at 3:39 pm
You’re like the Oprah of fuckery.
October 31, 2011 at 10:56 am
Too many gets on the cover, you anus juice sucking butt nugget.
October 31, 2011 at 10:56 am
Over in dear ol’ blighty, we call that game Frustration.
Do I lose points for drinking without playing?
October 31, 2011 at 10:58 am
This is genius.
October 31, 2011 at 4:01 pm
Fucking brilliant man!
October 31, 2011 at 10:58 am
I’m so proud to have been even a small part of the creation of this truly historic document. Future archaeologists will marvel, generations to come will now be able to look back at this special time in history and ask themselves how such a bunch of fat jealous losers dedicated to making people cry could produce a compendium of such sublime awfulness.
(Oh wait, that kind of answers itself.)
October 31, 2011 at 3:56 pm
I’m mindsaying “sublime” as “subLEEEEEEEM,” because I’m worth it.
October 31, 2011 at 10:59 am
I almost choked on my coffee when I read “Mugglefucking Trollshit.”
October 31, 2011 at 10:59 am
[sadly] And here I used to think I had a good vocabulary…
November 1, 2011 at 1:07 pm
We’re all about the self-improvement up in here.
October 31, 2011 at 11:00 am
Awesome! I have a whole new repertoire to add to my outbursts in traffic.
November 1, 2011 at 12:22 pm
My husband doesn’t know why I keep calling him such inappropriate names.
October 31, 2011 at 11:01 am
Oh, that is F-n fantastic!
That certainly takes care of some of my Xmas shopping.
October 31, 2011 at 11:04 am
I have some sanctimonious friends who enjoy choosing a new (generally SAT level) word to work into their conversation each day. Now I can do the same. Thank you, Regretsy!
October 31, 2011 at 11:18 am
Ooh, I used to work with someone like that. He thought nothing of dropping SAT-level words into e-mails and I got so fucking tired of having to focus my brain on it (when I had a lot of work to do; lucky him, he didn’t). I mean, they’re casual e-mails, not vocabulary lessons.
So, I got back at him one day. Threw in some word I’d made up. He asked what it meant. “YOU are asking ME what it means? Are you feeling ok?” I wrote back. This went on for a few days and I could almost see the steam rising from his ears on the next floor down (
). He HATED not knowing something. I finally admitted I’d made it up (he was beginning to get violent), but I had such a good time.
He never understood the different levels of communication. Schmuck.
October 31, 2011 at 11:07 am
Now I feel bad that I wasn’t here to add to the Spanish repertoire.
October 31, 2011 at 11:14 am
Better late than never. !Dame tu boca sucia!
October 31, 2011 at 11:26 am
Oh wow, where to start… haha. Here are some, accompanied with loose translations:
Coño – cunt
Pinche cabrón pendejo – Fucking bastard asshole
Cabrón – something from bastard, son of a bitch
pendejo – kinda like asshole
Hijo de tu pinche madre – Son of your fucking mother
Hijo de tu chingada madre – Another version of son of your fucking mother.
Chinga tu madre- fuck your mother
Madres! – fuck
En la madre! – fuck it!
(Lol, as you can see mother is very important in Spanish, and usually the strongest insults come from it
)
*Note: you can change the endings to a for female, as in pendejo/pendeja, hijo/hija.
*note 2: (You can add “pinche” with any other adjective, lol, as in: Pinche hijo/a de tu pinche madre!!, pinche cabron/a, etc.
October 31, 2011 at 11:33 am
Huevón /a – lazyass
Vete a la chingada – Go fuck yourself
ok, either I don’t think I can come up with more before lunch, lol.
October 31, 2011 at 11:34 am
no either, I’m just hungry and I can’t type.
October 31, 2011 at 1:00 pm
Don’t forget “puta madre” – motherfucker.
I learned this one because I used to live next door to a bunch of guys who would regularly get drunk and curse each other in Spanish and fight until the cops came. They’re also the reason I know what a taser sounds like.
October 31, 2011 at 1:21 pm
Isn’t puta madre – Bitch fucker?
October 31, 2011 at 1:38 pm
Well it depends, if you say “hijo de tu puta madre” = son of your fucking bitch mother.
puta madre alone is like an exclamation, could be fuck, fuck it, motherfucker, etc.
I feel useful!
/real life Spanish 101
October 31, 2011 at 3:41 pm
My favorite spanish swear is “concha de tu madre” just because, really? Seashell?
October 31, 2011 at 4:32 pm
are you sure that’s right?
October 31, 2011 at 6:18 pm
Yeah, that’s “concha tu madre” or “vete a la concha de tu madre”, used in some South American countries and it would be almost the same as our Mexican “chinga tu madre” or “vete a chingar a tu madre”.
Why “concha”? If I remember correctly, according to some Argentinian friends, concha is a vulgar way for genitals.
October 31, 2011 at 11:10 am
Tabernacle! Why are all of my friends so uptight?!! None of them would appreciate getting this booklet… well maybe one of them. Of course, this begs the question: why do they like a foul-mouthed, low-brow humoured, guttersnipe like me?
October 31, 2011 at 11:14 am
I’m so glad that some truly vile curses such as “Sarah Palin” and “insurance salesman” made it onto the list, but I’m disappointed that no one suggested the worst insult of them all — “telemarketer.”
October 31, 2011 at 1:12 pm
son of a telemarketer, why don’t you just go mugglefuck yourself
October 31, 2011 at 11:21 am
Bob Sagat, that’s quite a list!
October 31, 2011 at 11:27 am
I just want to thank all of you skanky velveeta whores for your invaluable assistance. You kept hammering out the fuckery so fast it was difficult to keep up. I pretty much just shoved in everything that would fit. Imagining you crusty hobbitwats gifting this collection to your friends and families warms the cockles of my heart.
October 31, 2011 at 12:51 pm
Could we possibly have the full rules for playing this game? I see a party in my near future!!!
November 1, 2011 at 12:59 pm
see comment 43 for a link to the rule sheet.
October 31, 2011 at 11:33 am
Four of my phrases got in there!
I’ve finally done something good for the world.
October 31, 2011 at 11:36 am
Oh, and there’s this:
October 31, 2011 at 11:43 am
I’ve been looking for a new desktop background
October 31, 2011 at 4:00 pm
heehee. I love how, amongst all the straight-up profanity, “monkey” is one of the most commonly used words…
October 31, 2011 at 7:15 pm
can I get a larger version of that? I’d like to print it and hang it on my wall.
October 31, 2011 at 8:00 pm
Throw a screen shot into blockposters.com and blow that sucker right up.
Hey – green eggs and Alex? Well I’ll be a range boning thunder cow! I cut and pasted the entire thread to edit and sort the responses. I thought I’d edited out all the user names but I just realized that I spent at least 15 minutes trying to suss out what kid of swear “green eggs and Alex” was. I wonder if I actually left anyone’s user name in…
November 1, 2011 at 11:12 am
Glad to be of confusion for you
October 31, 2011 at 11:40 am
I’m proud, so, so proud.
October 31, 2011 at 11:50 am
This should keep us entertained on those long, lonely nights on the mountain. Or where ever.
October 31, 2011 at 3:19 pm
You in the Donner party or something?
October 31, 2011 at 11:51 am
I may print these off as a Christmas gift to Dad. He’s got the foulest mouth imaginable (I learned from the best) but his repertoire is a little…limited.
October 31, 2011 at 11:52 am
I am intrigued by that booklet cover.
October 31, 2011 at 11:59 am
You know, I would actually pay money to have a recording of you saying all those nasty things in a raspy voice… I may be straight, but I’m only human.
October 31, 2011 at 12:00 pm
That is lovely, I may revisit the page and actually read it later on today if my real estate deal goes bad and I need some help with releasing my fury.
October 31, 2011 at 12:07 pm
Sigh…I should know better…
Some things I just shouldn’t print out on the shared office printer!
October 31, 2011 at 12:35 pm
Sublime
October 31, 2011 at 12:49 pm
Golly!
October 31, 2011 at 8:00 pm
I looked through the entire comments section of the original, and I saw all of your suggestions, Lemon Bombs. And this comment is the perfect punchline. I salute you, my friend!
October 31, 2011 at 1:00 pm
They will call this “The Aristocrats” of board games.
October 31, 2011 at 1:09 pm
My brother could definitely find this handy when he plays his favorite game, Golf.
October 31, 2011 at 1:15 pm
Probably the only thing I’ll be published in XD Beautimous!
October 31, 2011 at 1:20 pm
Tabarnak! those in french(canadian) are so not accurate, It’s almost funnier this way.Someone should redesign the board as well
or maybe beer stains are enough.
October 31, 2011 at 5:48 pm
Yep. Fucking Christ should be “Criss de câlisse de tabarnac” and You stink, you’re fat and your mother doesn’t love you should be “tu pues, t’es gros pis ta mère t’aime pas”.
October 31, 2011 at 1:22 pm
My god this is epic. You used my Italian ones!
I’m very sad that you didn’t use my glorious favorite word of all time though.
You picklefucker.
October 31, 2011 at 4:03 pm
noted.
October 31, 2011 at 2:03 pm
Holy shit, she picked FIVE of mine! this makes me happy
October 31, 2011 at 4:12 pm
When you get to working on Volume II please consider adding these that I use frequently in my gig…
phalic-shaped crap-missile
goat-fisting choir boy
loose lascivious pit-lizards
blood-caked placenta
pseudo fap-slapping ass-digitalizing profit-mongering Chuckle-bunny
tea-bagging masternapping nipple pinching puss-eater
October 31, 2011 at 4:16 pm
Full disclosure: Pikachu is not actually a Czech swear wordy. Neither is SippyCupa a Polish swear word. I looked for root swears and had fun jackhammering them into silly sounding slightly familiar words. Just don’t walk up to a Czech senior citizen and say Piicha.
October 31, 2011 at 5:49 pm
I don’t know how to say it in Roumanian, but they have an insult over there that goes something like “go back in your mother’s uterus!”
Very Regretsy.
October 31, 2011 at 9:43 pm
I haven’t heard that one, but Du-te în pizda mătii (Go back into your mother’s cunt) is a very common one. I also like Futu-ţi morţii mătii (Fuck your mama’s dead people).
November 1, 2011 at 7:06 am
On second thought, I’m pretty sure the insult I was referring to was really “Go back to your mother’s cunt” as you write. My Roumanian colleague is a bit shy and she probably tried to tone it down with her translation.
October 31, 2011 at 5:52 pm
I wonder what it would cost to have Sam Cornwell integrate this entire booklet into ONE GIANT RANT….. ?
October 31, 2011 at 7:40 pm
Only Sam could do it, that’s for sure!
October 31, 2011 at 6:16 pm
Sweet, salty fuckery, none of mine made the cut!
I weep! For shame! Alas!
October 31, 2011 at 7:21 pm
I feel your pain… I was denied glory also… and I thought my goat-riding bobble twat and frog humping toad whore would fall into the “what did you just say” category
October 31, 2011 at 7:53 pm
OK, here’s how it went down. I intended to read every single word, eliminate the duplicates and then compile a list of favorites. But my mind started to collapse in on itself after reading the first 700 entries. You weasledicked scabnappers just kept submitting more and more and more and my eyes started to cross. I ended up editing the super long compound swears (for lack of column width) and just shoved in as many obscenities as would fit. Volume 2 will have to wait until my ass is no longer numb from sitting at the computer for so long.
October 31, 2011 at 8:40 pm
Lulu, you are a genius. The way you have compiled this and put headings on it and the cover are so completely amazing. Thank you thank you thank you for giving back.
November 1, 2011 at 11:15 am
no problem lulu… What you have done in a VERY short amount of time is amazing… I’m not sure I could have done it. BTW I just finished a big project and may have some free time if you need help with volume 2.
November 2, 2011 at 12:54 pm
It’s fine- that just gives more time to come up with loveliness for Volume II. I am going to have to mine my German professor for this- I forgot that, in German, command form of ‘fuck’ and ‘yourself’ rhyme. Surely something glorious has come as a result.
October 31, 2011 at 9:04 pm
i’m so proud one of mine made it. <3 PROUD I SAY
October 31, 2011 at 9:20 pm
I corrected a couple of errors, added a table of contents and a sheet for notes, and included a rule sheet. You dog-fisting cunt-faced codswollops can grab them off of Google docs if you want them. (The un-numbered page at the end of the booklet is intended to be pasted to the inside of the cover.)
cover – https://docs.google.com/open?id=0B1IEmr48j9LXMzZkOGJlYTAtMTMzZi00MjgwLWE3YjktMjQ1YjNkMmVjODhj
rules – https://docs.google.com/open?id=0B1IEmr48j9LXY2ViMGFmZjEtOWMxMy00MWZhLWE2OGYtNjE4NGUzOWQxZDg4
booklet – https://docs.google.com/open?id=0B1IEmr48j9LXYzExMDBlYWQtNjIxYS00NjA0LTlhNjctNTYyOTFhNzUyZGIw
This was fun.
November 1, 2011 at 12:32 pm
ah, excellent. This looks like it’ll be a lot of fun this weekend.
October 31, 2011 at 9:31 pm
I’m proud to see that nearly all of my suggestions (Shakespeare and international) made it in! I’m amazed that the Chinese ones were excluded, though. I thought ‘Fuck you and all your ancestors to the eighteenth generation’ was worth a mention…
October 31, 2011 at 9:43 pm
I’m delighted more people will be cussing in a classy way. Now if you’ll excuse me, I must get me to a nunnery.
October 31, 2011 at 9:52 pm
mind if you, if I really get going, nothing beats “Chinga tu madre”— fuck yo’ mama!
October 31, 2011 at 10:03 pm
I can’t describe the depths of my joy when I read not one, but two of my nautical cuss-phrases in HK’s post! Holy flounder-pounding squid diddlers! I’m the happiest manatee manhandler in the sea.
November 1, 2011 at 8:28 am
This is a thing of beauty! I also think I’ve sorted my brother’s Christmas present.
I know it’s not the most offensive thing, but I felt pride for my home country on seeing “bawbag” in there.
November 1, 2011 at 8:56 am
I started to hurt around the C entries. Now I have Abs of Steel. Thanks Regretsy!
November 1, 2011 at 10:43 am
I printed this out and gave it to the two pathologists I work for. They have been giggling like schoolgirls all morning. Thanks to Regretsy, I may actually get a decent raise this year!
November 1, 2011 at 12:38 pm
I sent a colleague the link this morning during a team meeting that was being dominated by someone who really needs a slap. We then spent a good 45 minutes emailing page/column/item references to one another and as a result totally missed important information.
Thanks a fucking butt wad, you cunt muffin chuff wallahs
November 1, 2011 at 1:02 pm
I printed a copy…and it’s going to be the first thing I grab to take to the next family gathering. We swear a lot and an new and creative swear words are always welcome. I’ve already introduced them to douchecanoe and twatwaffle and my one sister was rather tickled by them. My family will be all over this like flies on shit!
Plus, I have to brag that 2 of mine made it in.
November 1, 2011 at 3:51 pm
I’m keeping a copy in my car.
You Bulbous Taints.
November 3, 2011 at 11:43 pm
Sad that I didn’t see anything involving Placentas…..
November 4, 2011 at 5:25 pm
I think next year’s Halloween costume contest should be making costumes out of this list of creative profanity
Just imagine…
Triceratwats
Count Fartula
Sperm waffle
Christ on a crab-covered crutch
Cum splattered circus tent
Shitler
I also saw a lot of good band names on the list
November 4, 2011 at 9:52 pm
Sweet fancy moses, I love you.
November 5, 2011 at 9:45 pm
Love the idea, but your French is completely wrong!
December 4, 2011 at 10:55 pm
Holy fucking fartsneakers, I just found this, and I am IN LOVE. I think I’ll give this to my son’s teacher for Christmas.