Or in the seller’s words, “I am a certified graduate of the amazing Catherine Yronwode’s HooDoo Rootwork Correspondence Cours” which roughly translates to “I am both a con and a delusionary, therefore I charge shipping for emails. Suckers.”
1. Green Man are you a relative of the Travelocity gnome?
2. “Why are their so many songs about rainbows”
3. Where is the secret button in the Triangle Bush?
Silly me! I thought the QUESTIONS were supposed to be Vintage!
1. Should Great-Grandma have really run off with that traveling salesman back in 1899?
2. If she died wealthy, is there any way the family can get their hands on her money?
3. Was it honestly an homage to Woodstock when cousin Mike and his girlfriend (later wife) Judy named their twin sons Jimi and Hendrix, or were they still smoking Okra?
I’ve been wondering about that too. Not that I eat at Golden Corral, but if I did I would fully expect to see some other family’s Little Timmy sneeze into his hands, pick his scab off, and then run his darling little fingers through the chocolate.
Never been inside a Golden Corral, but I’ve heard it’s a buffet, and as a good friend of mine always says, BUFFET stands for Big Ugly Fat Folk Eatin’ Together. That’s all I needed to know.
We went to GC on a family trip to FL for my grandfather’s 90th birthday, and at 6’2″ 215lbs (Vermonter w/ winter weight. Other northerners understand, yes? Dropped 30 over the summer)I was not only the largest in my family, but surprisingly one of the largest in the restaurant…
The little kids running around serving themselves was a little disconcerting.
God those things make me shudder. Even in normal, non-Golden Corral situations. Besides, do you know how much oil is added to keep the chocolate liquid? I’m such a chocolate snob I can’t ever bear to eat from those things.
A mild heating element in the base of the Chocolate fountain actually does the trick. My mother has one of the tabletop versions that we use for family gatherings. Not that GC does it that way… can’t say one way or the other.
Sharp Cabot Cheddar is almost as good as crispy bacon dipped in chocolate.
A much-beloved family member works for the corporation. They station attendants at the chocolate fountain to monitor scab dippers and such. No, I still wouldn’t eat from one.
Oh, really now. You CANNOT compare Hershey’s to Palmer’s! The latter always has “a chocolatey taste,” which is like a slab of unknown meat having “a beefy good taste.”
I also thought, “This was the only thing left for them.” They have fat, salt, and sugar in copious quantities. I’m sure all manner of things can be had fried, sauced, and full of everything you’re not supposed to eat, to the point that a single plate would easily exceed your recommended daily intake of food fuckery. This was all that was left for GC: Hey, let’s make a thing where people can coat their deep-fried fat in chocolate!
I JUST saw that commercial before I came upstairs. My first thought was “that CANNOT be a good idea”. Way too much double dipping and creepy people fingers. Fortunately, there are no Golden Corrals up here.
You can hate all you want on the chocolate fountains at Golden Corral, but by God, lay off them yeast rolls! I would… do things… for some of those hot butter-tasting shits right now.
I’m glad to see I’m far from the only person who immediately thought of disease when I saw those gross chocolate fountain commercials. It came on again tonight while I was out with friends and I said “all I can think of is how many people are going to stick their dirty fingers in that…”
I’ve been put off of buffets ever since I was a little kid and I witnessed another kid lick the communal apple sauce spoon and then put it back in the container at a salad bar in Amish Country. So many things were wrong with that family vacation . . .
What about the mermaids?? I really need to know how that is accomplished. Are they insinuating that mermaids are somehow amphibious? Or that they can survive in very little water? Or maybe that they are much smaller than we have sometimes suggest? This is serious stuff people!!!!!
How the hell do mermaids breathe, anyway? They live underwater so one would naturally assume they’ve got to have gills. So what’s up with the humanoid torso, complete with ribcage, which (I would think) would be there to protect lungs?
And don’t even get me fucking *started* on centaurs. They’re like the platypus of the mythical world.
1. What is the meaning of Steampunk?
2. How do I bake the best brownies in all the motherfucking world?
3. How can I learn to control the mass amounts of sexy that I radiate?
4. Why does Internet Explorer still exist?
5. Are you an Ent? You’re a talking tree, you like, must know an Ent!
Wow, I change that from rocking to you are now this fat jealous slobs deity of choice and your name will be worshiped until the cows come home…or I find another recipe to marry.
1. To protect his ass from roving bands of statue humpers
2. Backyard is wyckan for forest
3. The green man senses your sarcasm and is displeased. A plague of grass will grow from your nethers.
4. Three. “Fairy”, “faerie”, and “faeghriey”.
5. Coffee
6. Sounding
7. They pour a little dish soap into the fountain every shift change. if it’s good enough for the dishes, it’s good enough for your fruit cubes.
8. Captain Haychomper
9. Alan Rickman
♫ ♫ To tell the story of how great a love can be
The sweet love story that is sweeter than is he
Where do I start? With his first “hello”
Dearest Alan made me melt like hot Jell-O
He added chocolate and made my lady parts just glow
Then burn a bit ‘cause hot chocolate does that, you know.
But what do I care????????
I’m having such trouble with the tune for this. I start with “The Brady Bunch” theme song, but then get messed up and by the end of the third line Lionel Richie is stuck in my head.
I was wondering the SAME THING about the chocolate fountain! Everytime I see those damned commercials I get squicked out. All I can think about are people sneezing, food falling off sticks and little kids sticking their crud covered fingers in. *shudder*
I wanted to call one of the new race horse foals Pinkie Pie, but they were both colts, and I didn’t want to influence their future sexuality, and the potential for stud fees if they turn out to be champions. Bad enough that I make them wear the purple halter when they misbehave.
I wanted the mail box in the cemetery with the tombstone, but then I discovered that the tombstone, and its cemetery setting, were not included. I guess that cemeteries are the new barn wood.
“the mailbox in the cemetery with the tombstone” sounds like something one might say in “Clue”. A much cooler gothic steampunk vampire versdion of Clue at any rate.
Personally, what I’m going to put on my Amazon Universal Wish List is the 9 rusty nails that were found outside and are rusty from being outside. They’re Victorian, and I need them for magical needs and not because I’m making up some excuse to pay $18.00 + $4 shipping for something that every other person on the planet would throw away if they didn’t step on them and get tetanus.
1. The cape is a net for leaves, which feeds his power. Leaves must be absorbed through the cape.
2. The backyard he is in is actually his vacation spot, that he won from a certain traveling gnome.
9. James Earl Jones, of course.
She doesn’t want to be waterboarded for possessing it, so out of consideration to her family, she’ll sell it to you. The logic is powerful in this one.
April needs to create an uber-bullshit category, for the bullshit that has been combined with yeast starter and placed in an industrial mixer so that it froths over the edge of the massive vessel containing it.
But wait, there’s more. This is an AVON bottle, folks. I know this because I have two of them (shut up, I like Avon bottles). They used to hold hand lotion (I bought them empty; I didn’t say I like Avon stuff, just the bottles!)
She makes up a bullshit story that this is a no-more-back-stabbing-spirit-bottle. This makes me so made I could spit nails. Real, unspirited, non-Victorian NAILS!
She’s one of the biggest cons I’ve come across or has access to some serious drugs. Wait, considering what she sells this crap for, it may not be an either/or situation.
Oh, and they’re SO not worth $35 plus $15 dollars for shipping. If you pay more than $8-10 (and look for one without a paint smear on the beak), you’re overpaying.
That’s it. I’m keeping track of this one to see if anyone buys it. I don’t care about the rest of her shop.
It reminds me of that goddamn Zuni fetish doll from “Trilogy of Terror.” Good juju, my ass, it would come to life and wing CDs at my head. I would hate someone forever if they bought me that.
Darn, I bet the green man has never done my favorite Russian River past time- sit in it and drink beer! do you think he recommends the Russian River Brewing company? I prefer Bud Light on a hot summer day… sitting in the river… drinking cold beer in a cold river…getting sunburned and not caring… sitting there drinking cold beer… I think I need a beer now!
I think the Green Man only hangs around the Russian River because he likes Pliny the Elder. I can’t imagine he stays there to be pestered by email-shipping Etsy sellers.
I talked to the great ancient trees in California, and they say to STFU and stop asking them questions. They have enough of their own problems to worry about,
1.) Are all of the fairies who flock to the Russian River as chiseled as you?
2.) Haven’t I seen you hanging out near the patio furniture at “Home Depot”?
3.) Does “Miss Susan” know that assigning human-like qualities to inanimate, concrete objects would make her eligible to receive Social Security benefits due to “mental health” reasons?
1.) Yes.
2.) no…that was my cousin…we look a lot alike…I mean, almost identical…but I definitely don’t work at home depot to make enough money to afford the rent for this backyard. Please don’t ask again.
3.) No…no…of course she doesn’t know that. Of course not. No.
“Vintage Handmade by abundantvibrations in 1900 – 1909″
That is one long-living Etsy seller, especially considering she probably couldn’t carve statues as a baby. She has to be 115 at least and I’m impressed she’s so computer-savvy to have an Etsy store.
i’m pretty sure she means the russian river in northern california, the one beside which my second exspouse used to enjoy removing his clothes, dancing around naked & beating his everlovin meat.
it’s the site of one of his most famous stories, The Man in the Canoe who Dropped His Oars. i wonder if his pollination of the river {exspouse’s not man w/ oars’s} ups the mystic vibration level necessary for someone’s giant garden gnome to eke out proper answers.
as an aside, this exhusband of mine really really wanted to be a Green Man. just brings it all full circle, at least for me.
1. Does steel wool come from robotic sheep?
2. What happened to Towel Mike? NEVERMIND, SCRATCH THAT, Who is Towel Mike?
3. Why won’t my ex stop contacting me?
4. Just how are those “Lusty grapes” in your other listing such an aphrodisiac that they will lead to tantric sex (as per your description)?
5. What happened after I passed out at that Halloween party last night?
6. Should I rent(read: illegally download) “Scream 4″ or is it not worth it?
7. Can you include a video of how Kermit, I mean the Green Man answers these questions?
8. How far will he look into my soul, like should I shave down there? I don’t want to unless I have to.
9. Who is your LEAST favorite elemental and why? I want all the gossip.
There’s a great book “The Android’s Dream” by John Scalzi. It involves a search for the last of a hybrid breed of sheep named Android’s Dream, in order to save the Earth from destruction by aliens. It’s actually quite funny.
i actually thought she said The bottles I found were in the garbage.
which is at least possibly where they were.
her description, even w/o my misunderstanding, is pretty great.
i especially like her capitalization procedure.
The giant Redwood voices are telling me the seller’s husband banged some chick named Tonya, and even though she cast a lot of spells to shrivel his balls, she’s still pissed.
1. Are you a monopod?
2. Where does she keep the trash bin now that you’ve taken its spot outside the back gate?
3. Can I go ahead and finish off the trick-or-treat candy, or are more kids coming around tonight?
A big coil would have been so much Etsier. You know, the type that nearly covers your eyes, so that people can’t see the lack of ancient wisdom in them.
1. He doesn’t—-the cape is a lie!
2. Because Middle America is a euphemism for the suburbs.
3. No, they prefer DSL, because it’s what the turtles like.
4. 12
5. Electronic glitter tax.
6. The Green Man, of course!
7. Someone at GC is giving the Health Dept guy a hand-job RIGHT NOW. More chocolate?
8. Morton
9. Avery Brooks, but only because James Earl Jones wasn’t available.
Ok, first of all, I MIGHT pay the Green Man $30 if he danced like Dror.
Secondly, ‘EwwwWwwWww” to the doll and its psycho chasing back story: Creepy Ass Doll
Speaking as someone with a mental disorder, this woman is not representative of our crowd.
If she was experiencing some sort of psychosis, I suspect her text would be a little less coherent. This is not true of everyone experiencing psychosis, but such a phenomena is common..
Likely, though, she’s some white middle-class wannabe Wiccan whom has read one too many books from the Llewellyn publishing company. I say wannabe because I’d be surprised if your average Wiccan would sell this kind of crap.
I totally said that about the Golden Corral! That commercial came on and I said to my sister, “That looks like an invitation for some little kid to dunk their fist in and lick it, then repeat.” Her: “Ewww.” I’m glad to see I’m not the only one who thinks so.
1. No. Please escape with someone else.
2. You try to cross over there a chicken and you’ll find out why a duck.
3. English wouldn’t be any fun if it were easy to spell.
Question number 7 was the first thing that popped into my head when I saw the Golden Corral commercial for the chocolate fountain. Well technically what popped into my head was far more insulting to the clientele who frequent places such as Golden Corral.
1. It’s just common fashion for us green men. Anyone not wearing a cape is not taken seriously.
2. The backyard is a part of the forest.
3. His friends do not need wifi they all communicate with the underground root system within the earth.
4. Faerie, Faery, Fairy. So 3.
5. The shipping charge for the email is the cost of me having to open the email – left clicking on the mouse can be such a burden sometimes.
6. Me planking your mom.
7. They really don’t think they can maintain one they just say that so people continue paying them money.
8. Whimsicle
9. James Earl Jones or Patrick Stuart – pick one.
1. Why does Miss Susan think “West Virginia, Texas, Mexico, red dirt of Oklahoma, and Arkansas river dirt” are counties?
2. Why doesn’t she just tell us what the “iron” railroad spikes are actually made of. What kind of crap secret is that to keep? (Does that count as two questions? Wait! That’s not my third one!)
Tricky Dick McGillistabby
November 1, 2011 at 1:51 pm
Should have asked how magnets work, it may be our only chance to find out! Lord knows you can’t ask a scientist, they’re always telling me lies and getting me pissed.
But she’s added shit to what you get for your money. Mostly about how to get a man or find out if your man is cheating. I wish women would learn that it’s not about getting and keeping a man. It’s about picking and choosing which man you want.
“Dusk is drawn and the Green Man’s thorn is wreathed in rings of fog,
Siabhra sails his boat till morn, upon the Starry Bog.
A leanbhan O, the paly moon hath brimmed her cusp in dew,
And weeps to hear the sad sleep-tune, I sing O love to you.”
October 31, 2011 at 2:03 pm
AKA “I’m sitting here with my Magic 8 Ball and a Ouija board and I just snorted enough blow to cover NYC on Christmas. How can I help you?”
October 31, 2011 at 2:40 pm
Aka any given Tuesday night.
October 31, 2011 at 8:45 pm
Shit. I totally just blew my own cover.
October 31, 2011 at 6:15 pm
I;m stranger crushin’ on you.
October 31, 2011 at 9:52 pm
Or in the seller’s words, “I am a certified graduate of the amazing Catherine Yronwode’s HooDoo Rootwork Correspondence Cours” which roughly translates to “I am both a con and a delusionary, therefore I charge shipping for emails. Suckers.”
October 31, 2011 at 2:04 pm
I want to know what’s ‘Vintage’ about this pile of concrete, bird droppings and fabric.
October 31, 2011 at 2:05 pm
The bird droppings, obviously.
October 31, 2011 at 4:40 pm
1. Green Man are you a relative of the Travelocity gnome?
2. “Why are their so many songs about rainbows”
3. Where is the secret button in the Triangle Bush?
October 31, 2011 at 6:30 pm
1. Only distantly.
2. “Rainbows are visions, but only illusions,
and rainbows have nothing to hide.”
3. Ask the cow.
October 31, 2011 at 5:40 pm
I was going to go with the concrete. If it were modern it would be plastic or resin.
October 31, 2011 at 8:12 pm
Silly me! I thought the QUESTIONS were supposed to be Vintage!
1. Should Great-Grandma have really run off with that traveling salesman back in 1899?
2. If she died wealthy, is there any way the family can get their hands on her money?
3. Was it honestly an homage to Woodstock when cousin Mike and his girlfriend (later wife) Judy named their twin sons Jimi and Hendrix, or were they still smoking Okra?
October 31, 2011 at 2:05 pm
The rock ground up to make the concrete statue…
October 31, 2011 at 6:43 pm
Holy Derp! With all the Regretsy publicity, THE GREEN MAN RAISED HIS PRICES! It’s now $30!!
October 31, 2011 at 7:02 pm
Nah, the *answers* to the questions are what’s vintage, since that’s what’s being sold…. right??
October 31, 2011 at 2:04 pm
Answer me my questions three
-What is your quest?
-What is your favorite color?
-What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?
October 31, 2011 at 2:06 pm
African or European?
October 31, 2011 at 2:09 pm
Huh?
I don’t know!
AAAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!
October 31, 2011 at 2:07 pm
*wants to give few more thumbs (it’s just a flesh wound!)
*
October 31, 2011 at 2:18 pm
It’s the old man from scene 24!
October 31, 2011 at 3:19 pm
Just for future reference… and to save you a question.
October 31, 2011 at 3:23 pm
And for all those tl;dr folks:
The average cruising airspeed velocity of an unladen European Swallow is roughly 11 meters per second, or 24 miles an hour.
October 31, 2011 at 3:30 pm
You learn something new every day, here on regretsy.
November 1, 2011 at 12:36 pm
Whether you want to or not.
November 1, 2011 at 10:47 am
I’m surprised I had to go this far down to see a monty python reference.
October 31, 2011 at 6:36 pm
You are my new favorite person.
October 31, 2011 at 5:39 pm
What do they load swallows with?
October 31, 2011 at 6:23 pm
coconuts.
October 31, 2011 at 6:50 pm
oy.. my tired brain transposed two words in to a much more amusing question.
October 31, 2011 at 8:28 pm
Green Man jizz.
October 31, 2011 at 2:05 pm
You never asked him which etsy seller made that cape.
October 31, 2011 at 2:05 pm
Answers:
2) The Green Lady got the forest in the divorce.
October 31, 2011 at 2:40 pm
All he has left is his boner.
October 31, 2011 at 6:37 pm
Thought it was his woody.
October 31, 2011 at 2:05 pm
#6 is tebowing.
October 31, 2011 at 2:07 pm
Dude the price went up $10.00!
October 31, 2011 at 2:17 pm
that answers the question is Regretsy a bad influence
October 31, 2011 at 2:07 pm
I, too, am nervous with regards to the Golden Corral MRSA fondue situation.
October 31, 2011 at 2:11 pm
I’ve been wondering about that too. Not that I eat at Golden Corral, but if I did I would fully expect to see some other family’s Little Timmy sneeze into his hands, pick his scab off, and then run his darling little fingers through the chocolate.
October 31, 2011 at 2:45 pm
Never been inside a Golden Corral, but I’ve heard it’s a buffet, and as a good friend of mine always says, BUFFET stands for Big Ugly Fat Folk Eatin’ Together. That’s all I needed to know.
October 31, 2011 at 4:36 pm
I think it’s Big Ugly Forest Folk Eating Together in this case.
October 31, 2011 at 6:19 pm
I think it only stands for that when I’m there. But really, they should have known better when they started just putting all that food out unattended.
October 31, 2011 at 6:29 pm
We went to GC on a family trip to FL for my grandfather’s 90th birthday, and at 6’2″ 215lbs (Vermonter w/ winter weight. Other northerners understand, yes? Dropped 30 over the summer)I was not only the largest in my family, but surprisingly one of the largest in the restaurant…
The little kids running around serving themselves was a little disconcerting.
October 31, 2011 at 2:42 pm
God those things make me shudder. Even in normal, non-Golden Corral situations. Besides, do you know how much oil is added to keep the chocolate liquid? I’m such a chocolate snob I can’t ever bear to eat from those things.
October 31, 2011 at 6:32 pm
A mild heating element in the base of the Chocolate fountain actually does the trick. My mother has one of the tabletop versions that we use for family gatherings. Not that GC does it that way… can’t say one way or the other.
Sharp Cabot Cheddar is almost as good as crispy bacon dipped in chocolate.
October 31, 2011 at 3:02 pm
I thought it was pronounced “Human Corral” I thought Golden was just a funny translation, or maybe the shower system.
October 31, 2011 at 4:22 pm
A much-beloved family member works for the corporation. They station attendants at the chocolate fountain to monitor scab dippers and such. No, I still wouldn’t eat from one.
October 31, 2011 at 5:03 pm
Scab dipper? Was that in the Sailor Trouble book or must we all know join forces to create “Sailor Trouble – The Motherfucking Appendix
October 31, 2011 at 9:58 pm
‘Twas meant as a reply to fnarf, hence the scab comment. A write-in for Lulubelly’s book, perhaps?
October 31, 2011 at 7:22 pm
When I saw that commercial, I assumed the chocolate was some utter crap Palmer-esque stuff…or Hershey’s or something. Someone, tell me I’m right!
November 1, 2011 at 11:26 am
Oh, really now. You CANNOT compare Hershey’s to Palmer’s! The latter always has “a chocolatey taste,” which is like a slab of unknown meat having “a beefy good taste.”
October 31, 2011 at 7:25 pm
I also thought, “This was the only thing left for them.” They have fat, salt, and sugar in copious quantities. I’m sure all manner of things can be had fried, sauced, and full of everything you’re not supposed to eat, to the point that a single plate would easily exceed your recommended daily intake of food fuckery. This was all that was left for GC: Hey, let’s make a thing where people can coat their deep-fried fat in chocolate!
November 1, 2011 at 12:15 am
That crazy fountain… I saw the ads earlier tonight and I believe they say you can “dip anything you want into it.”
Really, Golden Corall? ANYTHING? I’ll be right over, and I’m bringing my hepatitis.
November 1, 2011 at 3:15 pm
I JUST saw that commercial before I came upstairs. My first thought was “that CANNOT be a good idea”. Way too much double dipping and creepy people fingers. Fortunately, there are no Golden Corrals up here.
November 1, 2011 at 8:44 pm
You can hate all you want on the chocolate fountains at Golden Corral, but by God, lay off them yeast rolls! I would… do things… for some of those hot butter-tasting shits right now.
November 1, 2011 at 9:52 pm
I’m glad to see I’m far from the only person who immediately thought of disease when I saw those gross chocolate fountain commercials. It came on again tonight while I was out with friends and I said “all I can think of is how many people are going to stick their dirty fingers in that…”
I’ve been put off of buffets ever since I was a little kid and I witnessed another kid lick the communal apple sauce spoon and then put it back in the container at a salad bar in Amish Country. So many things were wrong with that family vacation . . .
November 4, 2011 at 12:21 am
I saw an old lady lick honey (I think) off the sneeze guard once. I nearly puked.
October 31, 2011 at 2:07 pm
and again…
-Why do fools fall in love?
-What is the definition of the color blue?
-Tell me who are you, who who who who?
October 31, 2011 at 2:12 pm
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
My bet is on your Tippi Hedren costume.
October 31, 2011 at 2:36 pm
Thank you. You have just given me next year’s Halloween costume.
Actually I’m probably going to have to make it for my daughter. She loves that movie.
October 31, 2011 at 3:41 pm
If I pretend to be your daughter, will you make one for me too?
October 31, 2011 at 4:01 pm
A little googling shows that it is actually a purchasable costume for $60. I’ll still make myself one, I have a reputation to maintain.
October 31, 2011 at 5:36 pm
I can remember a costume from ‘Roseanne’ from years ago :
http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ku6x3nGU1Q1qzpq8b.jpg
I thought it was the best they’d made …
October 31, 2011 at 6:28 pm
if only i had seen this a few days ago. ugh! oh, well. next year sorted!
November 1, 2011 at 10:05 pm
Love that show. Did you know HK used to write for Roseanne? Saw it on IMDB.
So much talent. Truly, I am a FJL.
October 31, 2011 at 3:19 pm
I love you. That is all.
October 31, 2011 at 2:07 pm
What about the mermaids?? I really need to know how that is accomplished. Are they insinuating that mermaids are somehow amphibious? Or that they can survive in very little water? Or maybe that they are much smaller than we have sometimes suggest? This is serious stuff people!!!!!
November 1, 2011 at 9:02 am
Why Mistletoe doesn’t smoke weed, reason #56:
How the hell do mermaids breathe, anyway? They live underwater so one would naturally assume they’ve got to have gills. So what’s up with the humanoid torso, complete with ribcage, which (I would think) would be there to protect lungs?
And don’t even get me fucking *started* on centaurs. They’re like the platypus of the mythical world.
October 31, 2011 at 2:08 pm
So the Green Man is an elemental, shapeshifter, and Shaman, and Miss Susan is his…agent?
October 31, 2011 at 2:09 pm
Nice of them to take the hit on combining shipping for three units.
October 31, 2011 at 2:09 pm
5 available, that’s 15 questions.
October 31, 2011 at 2:09 pm
You my friend got a bargain
http://www.etsy.com/transaction/60151576
A free bonus question! Hot dog!! I guess she realized that it was near impossible to evolve kHarmically about life in only two questions.
October 31, 2011 at 2:16 pm
SPIRIT BALLS
If you look closely you can see his SPIRIT BALLS!
October 31, 2011 at 2:09 pm
1. What is the meaning of Steampunk?
2. How do I bake the best brownies in all the motherfucking world?
3. How can I learn to control the mass amounts of sexy that I radiate?
4. Why does Internet Explorer still exist?
5. Are you an Ent? You’re a talking tree, you like, must know an Ent!
October 31, 2011 at 2:11 pm
Oh wait, to round it off as two sets of three:
6. Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
October 31, 2011 at 3:46 pm
WilJaker:
The answer to the brownies question is here:
http://chowhound.chow.com/topics/357816
For the rest, you just use common sense.
October 31, 2011 at 6:09 pm
http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/Best-Cocoa-Brownies-108346
These are my favourite – Especially with half a 70 % dark Chocolate bar cut up, frozen, and then mixed in right before cooking
November 1, 2011 at 4:50 pm
Ya both rock for that, I needed a new recipe to try
November 1, 2011 at 5:38 pm
Wow, I change that from rocking to you are now this fat jealous slobs deity of choice and your name will be worshiped until the cows come home…or I find another recipe to marry.
October 31, 2011 at 2:10 pm
1. To protect his ass from roving bands of statue humpers
2. Backyard is wyckan for forest
3. The green man senses your sarcasm and is displeased. A plague of grass will grow from your nethers.
4. Three. “Fairy”, “faerie”, and “faeghriey”.
5. Coffee
6. Sounding
7. They pour a little dish soap into the fountain every shift change. if it’s good enough for the dishes, it’s good enough for your fruit cubes.
8. Captain Haychomper
9. Alan Rickman
That will be $20 plus shipping please. Thanks.
October 31, 2011 at 2:19 pm
I regret that I have but one thumb to give. *salutes*
October 31, 2011 at 2:47 pm
I call bullshit on #4. The correct answer is “Fairy”, “Faerie”, “Faeghriey” and “Richard Simmons”.
October 31, 2011 at 2:48 pm
I wasn’t going to go there, but thanks be to the creator of the universe, T-Bone was here to heed the call.
October 31, 2011 at 2:54 pm
I actually think Alan Rickman works for question #8 as well.
October 31, 2011 at 6:43 pm
The answer is always Alan Rickman.
October 31, 2011 at 11:07 pm
I fully believe that Alan Rickman is this generation’s 42. He is the answer to every question that matters.
November 1, 2011 at 9:13 am
I was thinking James Earl Jones but Alan Rickman will do nicely as well.
October 31, 2011 at 4:23 pm
Hey, don’t sell yourself short- you are owed $60 plus shipping!
October 31, 2011 at 6:13 pm
someone said Alan Rickman? and melted chocolate? where do I begin?
November 1, 2011 at 11:50 am
♫ ♫ To tell the story of how great a love can be
The sweet love story that is sweeter than is he
Where do I start? With his first “hello”
Dearest Alan made me melt like hot Jell-O
He added chocolate and made my lady parts just glow
Then burn a bit ‘cause hot chocolate does that, you know.
But what do I care????????
November 2, 2011 at 12:43 pm
I’m having such trouble with the tune for this. I start with “The Brady Bunch” theme song, but then get messed up and by the end of the third line Lionel Richie is stuck in my head.
October 31, 2011 at 2:10 pm
I was wondering the SAME THING about the chocolate fountain! Everytime I see those damned commercials I get squicked out. All I can think about are people sneezing, food falling off sticks and little kids sticking their crud covered fingers in. *shudder*
October 31, 2011 at 2:11 pm
His beard looks like neck testicles.
October 31, 2011 at 2:14 pm
Necksticles, if you will.
October 31, 2011 at 6:24 pm
did I mention I have a crush?? Necksticles. Nah it’s love.
October 31, 2011 at 8:48 pm
ShitSandwich and SlippinDoodie just go together.
October 31, 2011 at 2:13 pm
The answer to #8 is, obviously, Applejack.
October 31, 2011 at 2:23 pm
I wanted to call one of the new race horse foals Pinkie Pie, but they were both colts, and I didn’t want to influence their future sexuality, and the potential for stud fees if they turn out to be champions. Bad enough that I make them wear the purple halter when they misbehave.
November 1, 2011 at 11:36 am
Almost spit out hot coffee ’cause I read that as “Make them wear the purple halter when they masturbate.”
November 1, 2011 at 11:38 am
Did you see the movie UP? You make them wear the horse eqivalent of the Cone of Shame: the Halter of Shame.
October 31, 2011 at 2:13 pm
Fuck that shit, I want a fucking big black cat with a red necklace, hopefully made by the same seller.
Oh wait.
October 31, 2011 at 2:26 pm
I wanted the mail box in the cemetery with the tombstone, but then I discovered that the tombstone, and its cemetery setting, were not included. I guess that cemeteries are the new barn wood.
October 31, 2011 at 2:48 pm
I blocked out the title and the description on that and asked the husband what he thought was for sale in that photo.
He replied, incredulously, ‘Something’s for sale in THAT?!?’
That’s why I keep him.
October 31, 2011 at 5:02 pm
http://www.etsy.com/listing/82163370/vintage-silver-over-copper-water-pitcher?ref=v1_other_2
Vintage Silver Over Copper Water Pitcher on Tomb.
This on actually says “On Tomb” in the title…it comes with the tomb, right? Right? Pretty please?
October 31, 2011 at 7:28 pm
“the mailbox in the cemetery with the tombstone” sounds like something one might say in “Clue”. A much cooler gothic steampunk vampire versdion of Clue at any rate.
October 31, 2011 at 2:39 pm
That cat reminds me of my InLaws urn for their late cat, Sinman. Same shape, same coloring, same size. Hmm…
October 31, 2011 at 2:42 pm
I prefer this one:
http://www.etsy.com/listing/81904789/powerful-egyptian-spell-bottle
Although, if you’re going to charge $55, you could at least leave the wine in the bottle.
October 31, 2011 at 2:46 pm
I have a black one of those in the kitchen collecting dust, complete with the wine that’s most likely vinegar by now still in it…
October 31, 2011 at 2:49 pm
Me too. I guess I’ve never been in the mood for cheap Riesling.
October 31, 2011 at 7:01 pm
Me 3, except my cat bottle is white. It was a gift and I too have never been desperate enough to drink the wine.
October 31, 2011 at 5:37 pm
all that thing needs is a dremel & a pipe.
dont ask me how i know.
October 31, 2011 at 6:15 pm
I went to the same exact place, trash.
November 3, 2011 at 1:35 pm
Lolz, me too.
October 31, 2011 at 3:11 pm
Personally, what I’m going to put on my Amazon Universal Wish List is the 9 rusty nails that were found outside and are rusty from being outside. They’re Victorian, and I need them for magical needs and not because I’m making up some excuse to pay $18.00 + $4 shipping for something that every other person on the planet would throw away if they didn’t step on them and get tetanus.
October 31, 2011 at 3:18 pm
Those nails say “RARE” in the listing! I can’t even joke about that because it’s too ridiculous.
November 1, 2011 at 7:22 am
You can’t put a price on 9 rusty nails that are vintage, rare, and custom.
October 31, 2011 at 2:13 pm
“This your bush? You have a special bond with this bush? You the king of the forest?”
This scene is all I could think of when I read through that ridiculousness.
October 31, 2011 at 2:15 pm
1. The cape is a net for leaves, which feeds his power. Leaves must be absorbed through the cape.
2. The backyard he is in is actually his vacation spot, that he won from a certain traveling gnome.
9. James Earl Jones, of course.
October 31, 2011 at 6:32 pm
JEJ ftw!
October 31, 2011 at 2:16 pm
I laughed SO hard as I was reading and eating a Clif bar that I just bit the inside of my cheek very, very hard. Best pain ever.
October 31, 2011 at 2:32 pm
Well, that’s what you get for eating a Clif bar. Vodka would never do that to you.
October 31, 2011 at 2:36 pm
or Beer!
October 31, 2011 at 2:20 pm
Is this the opposite of the Gap troll?
October 31, 2011 at 2:21 pm
This shop is a treasure trove of fuckery. Here’s one of my favorites: http://www.etsy.com/listing/84081896/alien-railroad-spike-vintage
She doesn’t want to be waterboarded for possessing it, so out of consideration to her family, she’ll sell it to you. The logic is powerful in this one.
October 31, 2011 at 2:45 pm
The husband is currently dying of laughter in the kitchen after I theatricly read that description off to him.
October 31, 2011 at 2:45 pm
Maybe she’s building up her insanity defense for when she gets busted for stealing public property.
October 31, 2011 at 3:41 pm
I like her story of finding it:
“Looking around I saw…couples holding hands, a jogging dark haired lady with a dog, two jogging men…”
And the next sentence is: “Glancing around seeing no body, I slid the silver spike into my coat pocket.”
THIS ALIEN ARTIFACT MAKES PEOPLE DISAPPEAR!!! (the couples, the dog-walking lady, and the jogging men.) I MUST HAVE IT!
October 31, 2011 at 5:11 pm
I didn’t know spray painting something silver was alien. The aliens have given us so much. Truly, we are blessed.
October 31, 2011 at 6:17 pm
no…the crazy is strong in this one
October 31, 2011 at 8:35 pm
April needs to create an uber-bullshit category, for the bullshit that has been combined with yeast starter and placed in an industrial mixer so that it froths over the edge of the massive vessel containing it.
November 1, 2011 at 12:09 am
Wait, it says “Vintage Handmade by abundantvibrations in the 1920s”
So, is a found item? or did she make it herself, back in the 20s? Took an astral journey in time and left it to be found by her future self?
November 1, 2011 at 6:46 am
“I’ve seen plenty of railroad spikes and I’m sure you have to.” No, I don’t have to.
November 1, 2011 at 11:46 am
But wait, there’s more. This is an AVON bottle, folks. I know this because I have two of them (shut up, I like Avon bottles). They used to hold hand lotion (I bought them empty; I didn’t say I like Avon stuff, just the bottles!)
She makes up a bullshit story that this is a no-more-back-stabbing-spirit-bottle. This makes me so made I could spit nails. Real, unspirited, non-Victorian NAILS!
She’s one of the biggest cons I’ve come across or has access to some serious drugs. Wait, considering what she sells this crap for, it may not be an either/or situation.
http://www.etsy.com/listing/84083645/no-more-back-stabbing-spirit-bottle?ref=v1_other_1
November 1, 2011 at 11:56 am
Oh, and they’re SO not worth $35 plus $15 dollars for shipping. If you pay more than $8-10 (and look for one without a paint smear on the beak), you’re overpaying.
That’s it. I’m keeping track of this one to see if anyone buys it. I don’t care about the rest of her shop.
November 1, 2011 at 5:01 pm
This one is truly terrifying: http://www.etsy.com/listing/84573430/shaman-cd-holder-handmade-in-wood
November 2, 2011 at 9:55 am
It reminds me of that goddamn Zuni fetish doll from “Trilogy of Terror.” Good juju, my ass, it would come to life and wing CDs at my head. I would hate someone forever if they bought me that.
October 31, 2011 at 2:31 pm
i think he is my second exhusband.
10. why do you have a plant on yr head?
October 31, 2011 at 2:31 pm
I can’t believe nobody caught the Wheel of Time reference to The Green Man! Am I the only one that notices this?
October 31, 2011 at 6:44 pm
I am actually re-reading the series, again, but with the fae statue in the picture Someshta never crossed my mind.
October 31, 2011 at 6:49 pm
Not me, sorry. I’ll look it up.
October 31, 2011 at 6:57 pm
My boyfriend was very aware, though. Matter of fact, we have a Green Man in our kitchen. He will answer your questions for feckin’ free:
October 31, 2011 at 7:30 pm
I have the sundial version of that.
He can tell you what time it is, if it’s daytime and the sun’s not behind the big tree in the backyard.
October 31, 2011 at 2:35 pm
Darn, I bet the green man has never done my favorite Russian River past time- sit in it and drink beer! do you think he recommends the Russian River Brewing company? I prefer Bud Light on a hot summer day… sitting in the river… drinking cold beer in a cold river…getting sunburned and not caring… sitting there drinking cold beer… I think I need a beer now!
November 13, 2011 at 9:50 pm
I think the Green Man only hangs around the Russian River because he likes Pliny the Elder. I can’t imagine he stays there to be pestered by email-shipping Etsy sellers.
October 31, 2011 at 2:37 pm
Her poor Green Man must be flooded with questions as the price has magickly(sic) increased to $30.00.
October 31, 2011 at 2:47 pm
I talked to the great ancient trees in California, and they say to STFU and stop asking them questions. They have enough of their own problems to worry about,
October 31, 2011 at 10:54 pm
“Do I look like the fucking Giving Tree to you?”
October 31, 2011 at 2:47 pm
Why is he surrounded by mermaids ? Is there a salt water pool in the forest?
October 31, 2011 at 2:50 pm
#9 James Earl Jones
October 31, 2011 at 2:50 pm
My answer for #9 is…Fran Drescher, Gilbert Gottfried, or Roseanne Barr.
October 31, 2011 at 2:52 pm
My questions for the Green Man:
1.) Are all of the fairies who flock to the Russian River as chiseled as you?
2.) Haven’t I seen you hanging out near the patio furniture at “Home Depot”?
3.) Does “Miss Susan” know that assigning human-like qualities to inanimate, concrete objects would make her eligible to receive Social Security benefits due to “mental health” reasons?
October 31, 2011 at 5:16 pm
1.) Yes.
2.) no…that was my cousin…we look a lot alike…I mean, almost identical…but I definitely don’t work at home depot to make enough money to afford the rent for this backyard. Please don’t ask again.
3.) No…no…of course she doesn’t know that. Of course not. No.
Thank you, that will be $30.
October 31, 2011 at 7:41 pm
Thumbs up for your name alone.
October 31, 2011 at 2:59 pm
I love how “Vintage” is thrown in the title there. Hey, why not?
October 31, 2011 at 3:03 pm
Explained elsewhere in the listing:
“Vintage Handmade by abundantvibrations in 1900 – 1909″
That is one long-living Etsy seller, especially considering she probably couldn’t carve statues as a baby. She has to be 115 at least and I’m impressed she’s so computer-savvy to have an Etsy store.
October 31, 2011 at 3:04 pm
The $1.00 handling charge is to cover wear and tear on the Wood Nymph that has to fly through the wires to your computer with your answers.
October 31, 2011 at 5:18 pm
Wood Nymph? Oh dear. The cats living in my intertubes are probably going to be a problem for the nymph.
November 1, 2011 at 1:30 am
I don’t think Wood Nymphs do computer wires. Should it be a gremlin maybe? That would explain a lot about my computer.
October 31, 2011 at 3:05 pm
Could somebody lend me $7.95? I need this:
http://www.etsy.com/listing/84549909/fast-money-oil
If all goes according to plan, I will be able to pay you back but the change might be a bit greasy.
October 31, 2011 at 3:08 pm
Dear Mr. Green Man.
1) Why are you so disproportionate?
2) Can you play Nirvana on those panpipes?
3) Which Russian river?
October 31, 2011 at 5:31 pm
i’m pretty sure she means the russian river in northern california, the one beside which my second exspouse used to enjoy removing his clothes, dancing around naked & beating his everlovin meat.
it’s the site of one of his most famous stories, The Man in the Canoe who Dropped His Oars. i wonder if his pollination of the river {exspouse’s not man w/ oars’s} ups the mystic vibration level necessary for someone’s giant garden gnome to eke out proper answers.
as an aside, this exhusband of mine really really wanted to be a Green Man. just brings it all full circle, at least for me.
October 31, 2011 at 3:20 pm
1. Does steel wool come from robotic sheep?
2. What happened to Towel Mike? NEVERMIND, SCRATCH THAT, Who is Towel Mike?
3. Why won’t my ex stop contacting me?
4. Just how are those “Lusty grapes” in your other listing such an aphrodisiac that they will lead to tantric sex (as per your description)?
5. What happened after I passed out at that Halloween party last night?
6. Should I rent(read: illegally download) “Scream 4″ or is it not worth it?
7. Can you include a video of how Kermit, I mean the Green Man answers these questions?
8. How far will he look into my soul, like should I shave down there? I don’t want to unless I have to.
9. Who is your LEAST favorite elemental and why? I want all the gossip.
October 31, 2011 at 3:44 pm
iceice, I’ve been dreaming about your first question.
October 31, 2011 at 5:32 pm
& i’ve been trying to ignore my versions, multiple, of the third.
October 31, 2011 at 7:32 pm
are you a robotic PK Dick fan?
October 31, 2011 at 10:21 pm
There’s a great book “The Android’s Dream” by John Scalzi. It involves a search for the last of a hybrid breed of sheep named Android’s Dream, in order to save the Earth from destruction by aliens. It’s actually quite funny.
November 1, 2011 at 6:07 pm
I haven’t read that one yet, but have you read his “Agent to the Stars”? It’s very funny. He’s good with dry wit or flat-out wet wit.
October 31, 2011 at 7:44 pm
#8 made me burst out laughing.
October 31, 2011 at 3:30 pm
Holy fuck. Glad you are all here for my mental stability…….did you see it’s feedback????? People are happy with this shit.
Fuck.
I should be picking up my dogs shit and selling it as a natural balm promising to make you rich, cast away demons, and have multiple orgasms
Crap
October 31, 2011 at 3:35 pm
The question about Morgan Freeman just blew my mind….
October 31, 2011 at 7:44 pm
it’s the inception of questions
October 31, 2011 at 3:36 pm
Wait…what are the other favorite elementals?
October 31, 2011 at 3:37 pm
Im surprised this question has not been asked yet.
What is the password for the cf4l page?
October 31, 2011 at 11:48 pm
Alan Rickman. OB-vi-ous-ly.
October 31, 2011 at 3:54 pm
The green man has upped his price – it’s $30 now…
October 31, 2011 at 4:11 pm
I have Kit-Kats! Nothing else matters!!
(Happy New Year, all y’all Pagans!)
October 31, 2011 at 4:19 pm
How much if I just want some abundantvibrations?
October 31, 2011 at 4:32 pm
I just checked her Sold page. Her dog must have died as she just sold his rusty tie-out chain.
October 31, 2011 at 4:39 pm
3 questions?
There goes my plan to play 20 Questions with The Great Gazoo.
October 31, 2011 at 4:49 pm
Y’all really have to go through the rest of her catalogue – This one’s my fave. WTF! Pumpkinitis?
http://www.etsy.com/listing/84559866/the-mistress-doll?ref=v1_other_1
October 31, 2011 at 4:52 pm
Wait NONO! There’s a better one!
http://www.etsy.com/listing/83630143/custom-vintage-bottle-of-screws-nut-and – It’s Steampunk!
October 31, 2011 at 5:36 pm
i actually thought she said The bottles I found were in the garbage.
which is at least possibly where they were.
her description, even w/o my misunderstanding, is pretty great.
i especially like her capitalization procedure.
October 31, 2011 at 5:01 pm
The giant Redwood voices are telling me the seller’s husband banged some chick named Tonya, and even though she cast a lot of spells to shrivel his balls, she’s still pissed.
October 31, 2011 at 5:41 pm
No, the sellers husband actually banged the doll. That is why she is selling it.
November 1, 2011 at 2:43 pm
And Pumpkinitis Barbie is steampunk too! Says so under “Style” under the listing. She’s quite mad. (Susan, not Barbie. Barbie has other problems.)
October 31, 2011 at 5:31 pm
1. Are you a monopod?
2. Where does she keep the trash bin now that you’ve taken its spot outside the back gate?
3. Can I go ahead and finish off the trick-or-treat candy, or are more kids coming around tonight?
October 31, 2011 at 5:33 pm
many points upward for yr first question.
October 31, 2011 at 5:42 pm
I like #3! It is 8:40, I think that it is mine!
October 31, 2011 at 7:34 pm
3. Answer hazy. Ask again later.
October 31, 2011 at 6:02 pm
Tebowing is the new planking: http://www.tebowing.com
You really ought to just ask us your questions.
October 31, 2011 at 6:54 pm
I thought that cape was a bit much for everyday so gave Greenman a shrug.
October 31, 2011 at 7:06 pm
Now I wanna see him in skants.
October 31, 2011 at 11:12 pm
A big coil would have been so much Etsier. You know, the type that nearly covers your eyes, so that people can’t see the
lack ofancient wisdom in them.October 31, 2011 at 6:59 pm
1. He doesn’t—-the cape is a lie!
2. Because Middle America is a euphemism for the suburbs.
3. No, they prefer DSL, because it’s what the turtles like.
4. 12
5. Electronic glitter tax.
6. The Green Man, of course!
7. Someone at GC is giving the Health Dept guy a hand-job RIGHT NOW. More chocolate?
8. Morton
9. Avery Brooks, but only because James Earl Jones wasn’t available.
October 31, 2011 at 6:59 pm
I can’t wait to see if I got any of them right!
October 31, 2011 at 7:16 pm
the answer to number nine is obvious. James Earl Jones. Why waste a perfectly good question in something as simple as that?
October 31, 2011 at 7:32 pm
Shit, for a mere $10, my Pier One lamp will answer your questions *and* give you lucky numbers.
Besides, the true king of the forest is fucking Totoro.
October 31, 2011 at 8:01 pm
How can he be besties with the ancient trees of California if he lives in the “middle of America”?
October 31, 2011 at 8:36 pm
Duh. They both have Twitter!
October 31, 2011 at 8:25 pm
I would love to see a list of emails that have come to and from this guys computer.
October 31, 2011 at 8:50 pm
YES. That would be an entire book of crazy.
October 31, 2011 at 8:26 pm
Ok, first of all, I MIGHT pay the Green Man $30 if he danced like Dror.
Secondly, ‘EwwwWwwWww” to the doll and its psycho chasing back story: Creepy Ass Doll
October 31, 2011 at 9:30 pm
I was more taken with the “Mistress Doll”
http://www.etsy.com/listing/84559866/the-mistress-doll
Checking the description and umm… bitch got problems.
November 1, 2011 at 8:58 am
Someone should tell her that her personal life is showing.
October 31, 2011 at 9:31 pm
This chick’s whole store is like a psycho’s garage sale.
November 1, 2011 at 1:08 am
Speaking as someone with a mental disorder, this woman is not representative of our crowd.
If she was experiencing some sort of psychosis, I suspect her text would be a little less coherent. This is not true of everyone experiencing psychosis, but such a phenomena is common..
Likely, though, she’s some white middle-class wannabe Wiccan whom has read one too many books from the Llewellyn publishing company. I say wannabe because I’d be surprised if your average Wiccan would sell this kind of crap.
November 1, 2011 at 1:28 am
I totally said that about the Golden Corral! That commercial came on and I said to my sister, “That looks like an invitation for some little kid to dunk their fist in and lick it, then repeat.” Her: “Ewww.” I’m glad to see I’m not the only one who thinks so.
November 1, 2011 at 3:35 am
1. Do you like Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain?
2. Why is a duck?
3. Why isnt phonetic spelt the way it sounds?
November 1, 2011 at 3:12 pm
1. No. Please escape with someone else.
2. You try to cross over there a chicken and you’ll find out why a duck.
3. English wouldn’t be any fun if it were easy to spell.
November 1, 2011 at 5:01 am
I think it’s pretty obvious that Emo Philips is the only possible narrator for the Morgan Freeman biopic.
November 1, 2011 at 6:02 am
Question number 7 was the first thing that popped into my head when I saw the Golden Corral commercial for the chocolate fountain. Well technically what popped into my head was far more insulting to the clientele who frequent places such as Golden Corral.
November 1, 2011 at 7:00 am
1. It’s just common fashion for us green men. Anyone not wearing a cape is not taken seriously.
2. The backyard is a part of the forest.
3. His friends do not need wifi they all communicate with the underground root system within the earth.
4. Faerie, Faery, Fairy. So 3.
5. The shipping charge for the email is the cost of me having to open the email – left clicking on the mouse can be such a burden sometimes.
6. Me planking your mom.
7. They really don’t think they can maintain one they just say that so people continue paying them money.
8. Whimsicle
9. James Earl Jones or Patrick Stuart – pick one.
November 1, 2011 at 9:22 am
Why is there air?
If soap is any particular color (say green), why are the bubbles always white?
Why oh,why oh, did I ever leave Ohio?
November 1, 2011 at 11:51 am
1. Why does Miss Susan think “West Virginia, Texas, Mexico, red dirt of Oklahoma, and Arkansas river dirt” are counties?
2. Why doesn’t she just tell us what the “iron” railroad spikes are actually made of. What kind of crap secret is that to keep? (Does that count as two questions? Wait! That’s not my third one!)
3. Does Miss Susan really consider $35.95 a fair price for bringing a potentially STD riddled, faux Barbie temporarily named Tonya into someone’s life? http://www.etsy.com/listing/84559866/the-mistress-doll
November 1, 2011 at 12:15 pm
I have a question you can ask the Green Man. Maybe he knows.
When you stopped taking your medication, when did you start hearing voices from the statue in the back garden?
November 1, 2011 at 12:17 pm
I think my grandpa has one of those
colognespirit bottles sitting in his living room.Her store is like a train wreck… I can’t stop looking!
November 1, 2011 at 1:29 pm
what is your credit card number?
What is the expiration date?
What is your three digit security code?
Woo hoo! I just got all of my Christmas shopping done for $30!
November 1, 2011 at 1:30 pm
What a wasted fucking opportunity. How the hell am I supposed to know now how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?
November 1, 2011 at 1:51 pm
Should have asked how magnets work, it may be our only chance to find out! Lord knows you can’t ask a scientist, they’re always telling me lies and getting me pissed.
November 1, 2011 at 6:37 pm
What the fuck is there to answer about fucking magnets? They’re fucking miracles, man.
November 1, 2011 at 5:02 pm
I only have one question…
What is the sad dancing hipster so sad about?
November 1, 2011 at 6:39 pm
1. Who put the bomp in the bomp-she-bomp-she-bomp?
2. How much is that doggy in the window?
3. Has anybody here seen my old friend Abraham?
November 1, 2011 at 6:47 pm
“The Russian River”.
Part of me wonders (and will bet 100 dollars) that she was told about the Russian River rather than actually read about “the rushing river”.
:: moments later::
Hot damn! The Russian River is really a river! I stand corrected.
November 1, 2011 at 11:45 pm
I think the next planking is Tebowing – discuss
November 2, 2011 at 10:29 am
The price has since gone up to $30!
November 2, 2011 at 12:55 pm
But she’s added shit to what you get for your money. Mostly about how to get a man or find out if your man is cheating. I wish women would learn that it’s not about getting and keeping a man. It’s about picking and choosing which man you want.
November 4, 2011 at 6:57 pm
9. my husband swears it would be James Earl Jones… and seriously, besides Morgan Freeman, is any voice as epic as James Earl Jones?
November 4, 2011 at 7:20 pm
wait how can this be surrounded by mermaids i thought they were aquatic creatures?
November 12, 2011 at 8:43 pm
Anyone else know “The Garten Mother’s Lullabye”?
“Dusk is drawn and the Green Man’s thorn is wreathed in rings of fog,
Siabhra sails his boat till morn, upon the Starry Bog.
A leanbhan O, the paly moon hath brimmed her cusp in dew,
And weeps to hear the sad sleep-tune, I sing O love to you.”