2nd Annual Pumpkin Contest Winner
HONORABLE MENTIONS:
Cinderella’s Coach of Fuckery by Ellen
Hi April, my 10 year old neighbor and I made this submission, which is entitled “Cinderella’s Coach of Fuckery”
Tobias Fünke by Eryn
I’m a long time reader and fan of your site, but this is my first time attempting to contribute anything to Regretsy. I apologize for the quality of the photo, but hopefully you’ll get the idea. Carving this did leave me with a bit of a mess on my hands.
Club Fuckery by Dee Tee
I’ve attached two pictures of my entry into the Regretsy Pumpkin Carving Contest. I’m glad I finally found a use for the creepy white pumpkin. I was going to make Jason’s mask with it, but Club Fuckery pride might do a better job of keeping those damn trick-or-treaters the fuck away from my house on Halloween. I don’t want to share my snickers with their lazy asses.
Bite This, Dennis by SkantTouchThis
I apologize in advance if this is one of many 9-11 pumpkins you will receive, but it had to be done. I call it, Bite This, Dennis.
On a side note, this was my first time etching a pumpkin and I learned a few things. Most importantly, pumpkin sweat must be the most acidic fucking thing in the world. It melted my shellac manicure and literally took off at least one layer of skin on my fingers. But the good news is that my husband is going to get the most amazing hand job with these soft hands tonight. Cheers!
Bikini Pumpkin by Megan
This is my entry for the pumpkin carving contest. Hot glue burns like hell, so I hope you like it. My roommate is modeling this masterpiece, and she burnt her leg on the wax when we lit the candle nipples.
AND THE WINNER IS…
Towel Pumpkin by Drink & Stitch
Here is my submission for the pumpkin carving contest: Towel Pumpkin.
That’s my daughter’s (shy) boyfriend in the background. It took a lot of alcohol and the promise to put him on my car insurance to convince him to participate.
Choosing a winner from this year’s entries was an extremely difficult task, but the idea that this woman got her daughter’s boyfriend drunk, put him in a towel and added him to her car insurance to get this shot demonstrates a commitment to fuckery never before seen in competitive pumpkin carving.
Congratulations, Drink & Stitch, and thanks for the Halloween man candy!
You have won this amazeballs prize pile:
• An autographed copy of the Regretsy book
• A necklace by Red Bess Bonney
• Notecard set by Madman Incognito
• These CF4L cufflinks by Spiffing Jewelry
• A Finnish penis magnet by Cappy Sue
• This Whimsicle Jizz Kindle cover by Sadiesez (not remotely SFW)
• 20 handmade envelopes by Grimmlyn
• A selection of handmade soaps and lotions by Lux Soap
• A Regretsy flask
• A custom Perler Portrait by PXL8R
• And everything else in this box
Email me to get your prize, and many thanks to everyone who entered this year.
Happy Halloween!
October 28, 2011 at 6:33 pm
That’s freaking awesome! Getting straight guys drunk and out of their clothes deserves to win ALWAYS!
October 28, 2011 at 6:36 pm
Too bad that damned pumpkin and those towels were in the way…
October 28, 2011 at 6:37 pm
I wonder what bribe the roommate required, cause that’s awesomesauce, too, with just a touch of S&M….
October 28, 2011 at 7:24 pm
No bribe. She is my partner in crime and bad ideas.
October 28, 2011 at 8:23 pm
She deserves drinks at the very least! She is an awesome fuckery cohort!
October 28, 2011 at 8:57 pm
He won CF4L cufflinks – but no place to put them…
October 28, 2011 at 10:58 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
October 28, 2011 at 11:50 pm
Everybody should have one of those… occasionally my PiC is my stepmother.
October 29, 2011 at 6:33 am
Whee! Best Roommate Ever.
October 29, 2011 at 9:47 am
I was like “ha ha candle nipples!” And then I scrolled down and it was “holy fuck she LIT THEM.”
October 28, 2011 at 6:43 pm
I love how she put him on his insurance too! He was probably hoping they wouldn’t even place so no one else would see the picture, unfortunately for him 104,721 people (maybe more) now have access.
October 28, 2011 at 6:51 pm
Olivia, it’s only 104,721 people on Facebook. Over a million people come here every month.
October 28, 2011 at 7:27 pm
Score! Maybe when then alcohol wears off he’ll forget about…..
October 28, 2011 at 7:28 pm
damn I can’t type tonight. I need a drink. Meant to say forget about the picture and the bribe.
October 28, 2011 at 9:30 pm
I feel like such a loser because my face lit up when I saw you responded to something I had written… and it was correcting me. This is the highlight of my year!
October 29, 2011 at 8:16 pm
No shit? That’s fucking impressive HK.
October 28, 2011 at 11:03 pm
A girl with a Mother like that is a girl you MARRY!
October 29, 2011 at 2:21 am
Because Mama wants her little girl to be happy, and she has the blackmail material and the sand to back it up.
October 28, 2011 at 6:46 pm
I want to see the pumpkin abs lit up!
October 28, 2011 at 6:59 pm
I’d insure that boy six ways from Sunday.
October 28, 2011 at 8:15 pm
I want to put him on something but it’s not my insurance.
:)
October 29, 2011 at 6:36 am
I’d “insure” him ’till he couldn’t talk anymore. . .
October 29, 2011 at 11:45 pm
Before putting him on my car insurance, I’d make sure he knows how to drive my stickshift properly.
October 28, 2011 at 8:04 pm
I’m not sure what is better, the towel pumpkin or putting that pretty fellow on her car insurance.
October 28, 2011 at 8:56 pm
WELL PLAYED!!
October 28, 2011 at 6:34 pm
Well! Honorable Mention. So honorable! Honored!
October 28, 2011 at 6:34 pm
I had just been thinking it has been much too long since a lovely toweled man graced the blog. Did Towl Mike get kidnapped by the Church of Towel Mike or something?
October 28, 2011 at 6:53 pm
This one is hotter. Me likee!
October 28, 2011 at 11:52 pm
Worse… grad school.
October 28, 2011 at 6:36 pm
She put him on her car insurance?!?! Wow, that’s pure dedication. I would love a re-enactment of that conversation.
These pumpkins are so awestein. I love them all! The pumpkin boobs are fantastical pieces of fuckery.
October 28, 2011 at 7:43 pm
Some promised to put him on her insurance. She hasn’t actually done it yet.
She could just say he was drunk and misunderstood what she said.
October 28, 2011 at 10:07 pm
That’s what I was thinking. I’d promise a guy like that a lot of things to get him out of his clothes.
October 28, 2011 at 6:37 pm
Congrats winners!!!!!!
October 28, 2011 at 6:38 pm
i dont know if i should be cheering for or facepalming the lady who perved her daughters boytoy into taking that pic. GOOD JOB! lol dont forget to share your fuckery with him! haha
October 28, 2011 at 6:38 pm
When it means towel pictures, it is always cheer.
October 29, 2011 at 6:39 am
Cheering, definitely.
October 28, 2011 at 6:38 pm
It might be the wine but, I can’t. Stop. Laughing.
October 28, 2011 at 6:41 pm
I read what she had to do to get the boy to take the picture and shrieked/laughed. My dog is now sitting next to my butt, shaking.
October 29, 2011 at 11:33 am
Don’t feel bad. I laughed so hard I nearly gave myself an asthma attack. Dedication to fuckery indeed!
October 28, 2011 at 6:38 pm
I like the slime bra! Just how many people can say they’ve felt the inside of a pumpkin with their breasts?
October 28, 2011 at 6:46 pm
That one is my favorite. I have a feeling we’ll be seeing a lot more ladies (and gentlemen) walking around in pumpkin bikini tops next year!
Although maybe they’ll use fake candles to prevent burns.
October 28, 2011 at 6:46 pm
I’m a little worried about the bra after learning about the caustic quality of pumpkin juice. I’m afraid the acidic pumpkin guts gave her model’s boobies chemical burns.
October 28, 2011 at 7:27 pm
I’m glad we didn’t know about pumpkin burns, or else this
would have taken a lot of wine to dowouldn’t have happened. Her boobs are fine though! haha.October 28, 2011 at 8:34 pm
That was from someone who did the paring back the surface of the pumpkin, so I’m guessing the acid is just in the pumpkin skin. Everybody handles the pumpkin innards without problems, so I think future pumpkin bikini models are safe.
October 28, 2011 at 9:05 pm
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October 28, 2011 at 7:40 pm
Acid burns and molten wax or not, I want that bra. I love the glitter on the areolae, and I think it would be really cool to be able to burn people with my boobs.
October 28, 2011 at 8:23 pm
I can mail it to you, no guarantees that it wont be a rotten mess by the time it gets to you though!
October 28, 2011 at 9:35 pm
Ah well, I appreciate the thought…I guess I’ll have to make my own. I guess it’s a stroke of luck that we bought extra pumpkins this year.
October 29, 2011 at 6:42 am
You might want it, TigerLasker, but would you pay $450.00 for it?
It is “steampunk” AND “upcycled,” after all.
October 29, 2011 at 8:21 pm
Ahh, but we all know that those caustic burns feel sooo good…oh…and a bit of dripping wax too…My God…heaven.
October 28, 2011 at 8:09 pm
What? That isn’t one of your Halloween traditions?
October 28, 2011 at 8:27 pm
Seriously. What do other people use to scoop the innards out of their pumpkins?
October 29, 2011 at 7:18 am
You know those little “carving kits” they sell in every store this time of year? They are awesome. For years, I used kitchen knives and spoons to do my pumpkin magic. Then I got one of these sets. It makes me look like Michaelangelo!!! They really work.
October 29, 2011 at 11:11 am
Agreed, those thin little serrated knives look so flimsy in the package but they’re AMAZING.
October 29, 2011 at 5:56 pm
Our comments got separated by lots of others, but if you follow the others, you’ll see Alice and I are talking about BEWBS!
October 29, 2011 at 5:57 pm
D’oh! If you follow the nesting. Derp.
October 28, 2011 at 6:40 pm
I’m wondering if the neighbors are still going to be speaking to honorable mention #1 after their kid tells them of the fuckery!
October 28, 2011 at 8:16 pm
I’d consider that a fringe benefit.
October 28, 2011 at 11:55 pm
We must think of the children! They’re the future of fuckery!
October 28, 2011 at 11:57 pm
Wait until they hear she also participated in the profanity contest…
October 29, 2011 at 6:44 am
Greatest. Contest. Ever.
October 28, 2011 at 6:42 pm
Brilliant. You people blow my mind with your pumpkin-carving prowess and ingenuity.
Maybe this weekend I’ll get drunk off my gourd and hack out a CF4L gourd…not as a late contest entry, but as a sign to any possible Fuckery Fans in the neighbourhood.
October 28, 2011 at 6:45 pm
like a batman light in the sky?
October 28, 2011 at 7:20 pm
Pretty much. Or like the Fuckery equivalent of a Jesus fish I suppose.
October 28, 2011 at 8:28 pm
Or a Darwin fish.
October 29, 2011 at 8:22 pm
Oh they’re there…I assure you…
October 28, 2011 at 6:43 pm
I regret to have to inform you, but I have sent the photo of pumpkin #4 to the FBI. I am sure they are on their way to take it and its glitter off of your soft little hands.
October 28, 2011 at 6:49 pm
I”d give you ten thumbs for this if I could!
October 28, 2011 at 6:56 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
October 28, 2011 at 7:17 pm
Oh shit, who’s that knocking?
October 28, 2011 at 8:17 pm
Quick – stick it in a pie crust & eat the evidence!
October 29, 2011 at 8:29 pm
As a full-fledged member of the Crying Eagle Task Force I call upon all members to hold their toilet paper high, clutch their hotmail accounts, and seek vengence against those tears…
October 28, 2011 at 6:46 pm
The Club Fuckery pumpkin looks especially great lit up! I would be so excited to see that on anyone’s porch!
October 28, 2011 at 6:56 pm
I would like to see a “Perkele” pumpkin next to it.
October 29, 2011 at 6:46 am
I’m making just a Perkele Pumpkin.
October 30, 2011 at 12:57 pm
Photos!!
October 28, 2011 at 7:34 pm
Thanks kimoutre!
October 28, 2011 at 6:48 pm
Backstory for pumpkin #1: The parents and I don’t share a language, so she is our little bilingual translator. TRANSLATION: I think she tells the anything she wants.
She didn’t get the apple bong patch or the Regretsy inspired pins, but she chose the various bits of fuckery around the heart hole, made the toilet paper roll wheels with glowing eyes, and arranged the figurines.
Then we had a few shots and watched The Human Centipede.
October 28, 2011 at 6:53 pm
I love you.
October 28, 2011 at 8:36 pm
It’s great that you’re hard at work warping the next generation!
October 28, 2011 at 10:00 pm
Ah, even after close scrutiny I was convinced the wheels were embellished Ho-Ho’s. Luscious, luscious Ho-Ho’s; so good with bourbon…
I had every intention of entering the contest myself, even bought a can of pumpkin pie filling figuring it would be easier to mold a byproduct rather than carve the source (yes I am THAT lazy), but as they say: the road to hell is paved with unopened cans of pumpkin pie filling.
October 28, 2011 at 11:15 pm
Are you available for baby sitting?
October 29, 2011 at 9:39 am
I think you might have babysat me when I was a wee fucker[y creator] and if so, thanks bunches! If not, good work on continuing the education of future generations.
October 28, 2011 at 6:48 pm
Love the “Bite this Dennis!, oh how I love it! Would sure like to see it lit, too!
October 28, 2011 at 6:49 pm
Towel Pumpkin will surely forever have a place in Regretsy history.
October 28, 2011 at 11:38 pm
Towel Pumpkin and Towel Regretsian’s Daughter’s Boyfriend.
October 28, 2011 at 6:55 pm
The wheels of Cinderella’s coach look like corn cobs rolled in tin foil. I’d be curious if they are buttered or not. For a fat ass like me, butter would make the piece more valuable.
October 28, 2011 at 7:11 pm
Toilet paper rolls (with glowing eyeballs inserted) but tasty nonethelsss.
October 28, 2011 at 6:58 pm
Lucky daughter.
October 28, 2011 at 7:01 pm
I love how they chose a really “handsomely shaped” pumpkin for the Towel Pumpkin.(Tell me I’m not the only one who sees that?)
October 28, 2011 at 7:10 pm
Oh yeah, I would totally hit that pumpkin.
October 28, 2011 at 7:28 pm
Is it wrong that I kinda want to lick it?
October 28, 2011 at 7:55 pm
No.
October 29, 2011 at 11:42 pm
The pumpkin? No
The not pumpkin behind the pumpkin? Get in line.
October 28, 2011 at 9:01 pm
You fat jealous losers have *NO* idea what I went thru to find the “perfect” pumpkin. I’m beginning to think that I may no longer be welcome at the farmer’s market in the fall. Last year I showed up with a DDD purple bra. The farmer asked me: can I help you? Yes, I said I need a pair of pumpkins to fill this! He took 2 steps back, and kinda gestured… the pumpkins are over there…
This year, I touched them(the pumpkins, not the farmers), moved them around & kept repeating: no no no, I need strong shoulders & thin hips.
October 28, 2011 at 11:40 pm
Oh wait, there was a pumpkin in that picture? *scrolls back up*
October 28, 2011 at 11:40 pm
I think I love you.
October 29, 2011 at 4:46 am
You walked around a group of farmers saying “I need a pair of strong shoulders and thin hips” and not ONE of them stepped up to the plate?
I am ashamed of my people.
October 29, 2011 at 6:44 am
You are my hero. Pumpkin molestation, booze, boy toys, bribes…that’s dedication! Congratulations, you deserved the win!
October 28, 2011 at 7:03 pm
As the carver of the Tobias pumpkin (and first time commenter here), I have to say I’m humbled that it was chosen to be among these finalists. They’re all amazing!
October 29, 2011 at 6:51 am
I gotta say, I love me a NeverNude. Well done.
November 1, 2011 at 4:13 am
Yes next time carve in his ugly cut off denim shorts xD
October 28, 2011 at 7:10 pm
Did anyone else notice how the lens flair made a heart shape on the far right of the bikini pumpkin top picture? Cool! – or… maybe I’ve been staring at that picture a little too long. I’ve never wanted to be a pumpkin more.
October 28, 2011 at 7:15 pm
Jesus H. Christ… How old is her daughter’s boyfriend? I wanna know if I should feel like a pervert or not.
October 28, 2011 at 7:20 pm
God, look at that happy trail. Fuck it. I don’t wannt know. He’s my favorite so far and I’ll not have that ruined!
October 28, 2011 at 8:16 pm
Fat losers become FAT COUGARS! Meeeoooowwwww….
October 28, 2011 at 7:39 pm
My question exactly… can I get an age check here on aisle 5, please?
October 28, 2011 at 9:02 pm
just turned 21 last month, so maybe.
October 29, 2011 at 9:51 am
God damn it, I could have given birth to that. Well now I need another shower.
October 29, 2011 at 2:36 pm
Same here… if I had been a teen mom. So I’m safe?
Aw, who cares. Hand over the wine and the hi-res photo and leave me alone to my fat, drunken loser perversion.
October 29, 2011 at 10:31 am
Over 18 – WHOOO HOOOOO!!!
Good ’nuff. The rest is just math and that does nothing but get in the way.
October 29, 2011 at 11:41 pm
Fantastic. Now I can perv away with impunity.
October 30, 2011 at 7:57 am
You ladies can have the towel guy…
I *almost* feel guilty perving on the Pumpkin Bikini model.
Somebody PLEASE tell me she’s of the age of consent??
Not that I’d do anything about it either way, I would just feel better about being turned on about it…
Also: that idea is freaking hilarious. I love the leg-searing candle nipples!! It’s sorta like a female Iron Man.
I hope she is recovering nicely from her burns and I would like to offer up my services to apply liberal amounts of ointment anywhere she needs it…
October 28, 2011 at 7:21 pm
As always you fuckers are tough competitors, but I’ll happily take honorable mention next to towel pumpkin! And putting him on your car insurance? Worth every fucking penny.
October 28, 2011 at 8:38 pm
Probably the first instance of using car insurance to purchase crafted fuckery.
October 28, 2011 at 7:23 pm
Damn it!!! I pulled an all-nighter making my sons’ hobo costumes last night and didn’t have enough time to carve any of the three pumpkins sitting on my kitchen floor for exactly this purpose.
I JUST CAN’T DECIDE BETWEEN ALL THE FUCKERY!!!!
Congratulations to all the winners and runners up, FANTASTIC job!!!
October 28, 2011 at 8:19 pm
Is your son going to be a ring-bearer at a wedding?
October 29, 2011 at 2:47 pm
HA! No way. Just for Halloween. And totally inspired by Regretsy, no other reason. Well, that and the costumes were really easy and CHEAP to make. I wouldn’t spend $15,000 to do it.
October 28, 2011 at 7:25 pm
Best pumpkin carver winner ever. I choked on my pizza reading about liquoring up her daughters boyfriend and adding him to her car insurance to get this shit taken care of. BRAVO!
October 28, 2011 at 9:42 pm
I love all of you fat jealous loser bitches. I knew competition was gonna be stiff (pun intended). I knew that my “carving” ability is limited so I had to resort to beefcake. C’mon, you’d have done the same if you would have thought of it, ammiright?!
October 28, 2011 at 11:45 pm
I’m still certain that using such imagery constitutes cheating. I want to know why there isn’t more cheating in Regretsy contests. I think the world would be a better place with more of that.
October 29, 2011 at 4:48 am
cheating with beefcake? don’t forget the bear-lovers amongst us, and I vote a big old yes.
October 29, 2011 at 10:34 am
Sadly, no, DnS, you are wrong. For I would never have gotten past licking that tummy until my tongue fell off or the SWAT team manged to billyclub me into unconsciousness.
Yes I’m a carpet muncher in a very committed wonderful 15 years+ relationship, but she knows my tummy-weakness and just reminds me that she will not pay bail for that sort of jailing.
October 29, 2011 at 11:39 pm
If I had a side of beefcake at my disposal I wouldn’t waste my time carving pumpkins, honestly.
October 28, 2011 at 7:35 pm
I feel so very honored! Congrats to all the other honorable mentions and the winner- Towel Pumpkin. That is one fucking hot pumpkin. Oh, and the sweet piece of man (boy? I may be a cougar right now…) standing behind it… mmmm mmmm good.
October 28, 2011 at 7:41 pm
Did I miss the cool toys from the Astro Boy movie? That sucks! I want a little Astro Boy.
(The best one I ever saw was on the read deck of someone’s car. It was about eight or nine inches tall and was in black and white.)
P.S. I want to marry the woman in the pumpkin bra.
October 28, 2011 at 7:44 pm
rear deck.
October 28, 2011 at 7:46 pm
I got him at the Dollar Tree store for $1
They might still have some!
October 28, 2011 at 7:46 pm
Thanks. I’ll go tomorrow. Here I come, Astro Boy!
October 28, 2011 at 8:43 pm
On cinderella’s coach there looks to be a button on the upper left that I think says ‘attention whores’, which I love because it is so inappropriate for a co-crafting project with a 10 year old, and on the bottom right there’s another button that maybe says ‘come on get fappy’ Fappy? Am I reading that right? Partridge family typo? Story?
October 28, 2011 at 9:27 pm
“Fapping” = masturbation, especially the mental gyrations exhibited on Regretsy. The other buttons are also Regretsy themed, and from The Worst Shop Ever on Etsy.
October 28, 2011 at 9:13 pm
Oh god. Pumpkin guy.
His assets have far too much coverage. I think I need to examine his premiums.
October 28, 2011 at 10:19 pm
Yeah, I have a feeling he might have lots of volunteer “insurance agents”.
October 29, 2011 at 7:55 am
I prefer the term “Claims Adjuster.”
October 29, 2011 at 8:00 am
Oh yes, very good. I like that adjusting bit.
October 29, 2011 at 7:59 am
I think that towel is deductible!
October 29, 2011 at 12:41 am
Exploitation of younger men FTW! Wait, did I say that out loud?
October 29, 2011 at 8:54 am
Don’t worry, you were just channeling the rest of us.
October 29, 2011 at 12:45 am
Hmmm am I cougar for towel deliciousness when I’m 29? For he is so frickin HOT! Screen capped for use as my wallpaper… Yummy…. Tell me you took a photo WITHOUT the pumpkin too?
October 29, 2011 at 12:46 am
Also, TELL me he had nothing under that towel so I can swoon more….
October 29, 2011 at 12:52 am
And NOW I show my true trekker nature as I change from gosh to this!
October 29, 2011 at 6:30 am
MMMM!!!! Pumpkin Nipple Flambe! It has a je ne sais quo1.
October 29, 2011 at 6:48 am
I’d “knock off” his deductible too… just sayin.
October 29, 2011 at 8:49 am
First, the fact that she did this to her _daughter’s_ boyfriend creeps me out just a little bit. Was her daughter aware of these goings-on?
But second, and far more importantly, I feel we have a case of gender bias here. Obviously the towel pumpkin beat the (obviously superior) pumpkin bikini solely because the judge was female!
October 29, 2011 at 9:53 am
The rest of the internet gets to objectify women. This is our little corner of male objectification over here.
October 29, 2011 at 10:30 am
Amen!
October 29, 2011 at 10:38 am
If its a gorgeous tummy, then I demand it be objectified and I don’t give a damn what combination of Xs and Ys the genes are, dammit!
And you think too damn much, out of vodka?
October 29, 2011 at 12:56 pm
Yes, Daughter knew. I enlisted her to help convince him. I also needed her to help me hold the lights.
October 29, 2011 at 1:41 pm
Her game, her rules
October 29, 2011 at 8:19 pm
I’m happy to be an honorable mention! I like pumpkin abs just as much as any sane woman.
October 29, 2011 at 12:51 pm
My favorite is the pumpkin bikini. I’m making one of those next year.
October 29, 2011 at 10:13 pm
I almost peed myself over the pumpkin bikini. Well done!
October 31, 2011 at 12:53 pm
Late, but relevant?
November 1, 2011 at 4:10 am
I LOVE the tobias pumpkin!!!! That is all.
Thank you.