2nd Annual Regretsy Pumpkin Carving Contest
Well, here it is, our third Halloween together. They said we’d all be dead by now, didn’t they? WHATEVER, HAROLD CAMPING
You might remember we had a pumpkin carving contest last year, and that it was a rousing success.
Here’s a small sample of the fumpkin puckery:
Well, you know how we are. When something succeeds once, we milk that bastard until there is nothing left in its withered teats.
And that means it’s time for
THE 2nd ANNUAL REGRETSY PUMPKIN CARVING CONTEST
RULES:
No Goatse pumpkins
No genitalia*
*Pumpkins do not have to be G-rated, but just making penises and vaginas is way too easy for you people. We want to make this challenging.
That’s it.
All media are accepted. You may use anything at all to create your design, but you must incorporate an actual, edible pumpkin.
Photos of your pumpkins must be submitted by midnight PDT Thursday, October 27. Winners will be posted the next day.
PRIZES:
If this contest is anything like the others, you will come up with a pantload of fabulous entries and I will be unable to decide on just a few winners. So I’m leaving it open as to how many pumpkins may win prizes.
However, there will be one Grand Prize winner, and they will receive the following incredible prize pile:
• An autographed copy of the Regretsy book
• A necklace by Red Bess Bonney
• Notecard set by Madman Incognito
• These CF4L cufflinks by Spiffing Jewelry
• A Finnish penis magnet by Cappy Sue
• This Whimsicle Jizz Kindle cover by Sadiesez (not remotely SFW)
• 20 handmade envelopes by Grimmlyn
• A selection of handmade soaps and lotions by Lux Soap
• A Regretsy flask
• A custom Perler Portrait by PXL8R
• And everything else in this box
Good luck!
October 20, 2011 at 12:20 pm
That box is calling to me…
October 20, 2011 at 8:40 pm
That’s what she said. And by she, I mean me. WANT!
October 20, 2011 at 12:22 pm
Who knew Regretsians could carve so amazingly well? Under the influence, I mean. I can barely tie my own shoes when I’m toasted.
October 20, 2011 at 2:26 pm
It’s all the practice. When you use knives under the influence as much as we do, those who can’t handle it weed themselves out after a while, Darwin Awards-style.
October 20, 2011 at 12:23 pm
Can’t wait to see what fuckery people are gonna come up with this year.
October 20, 2011 at 3:42 pm
I had the best idea. Then someone else did it. I literally only had the idea for an hour before this popped up on my news feed.
http://tosh.comedycentral.com/blog/2011/10/20/the-human-centipede-o-lantern/?xrs=synd_facebook
October 20, 2011 at 4:20 pm
The one they did was lame. Every one of us Regretsians know you can make one better and more fuckerier.
October 20, 2011 at 7:50 pm
When I saw “fuckerier” I tried to hard to say it that it came out like “Fucker-ee-ay”
well done.
October 20, 2011 at 12:23 pm
I want that Regretsy flask. Thank god I finally have a reason to buy that giant pumpkin at the grocery store!
October 20, 2011 at 12:25 pm
Actually, the perler portrait by PXL8r and penis magnet by Cappy are insanely tempting as well.
October 20, 2011 at 2:29 pm
I never knew that perler beads could be put to a worthwhile use! That portrait is the shiznit, or whatever people who say stuff like that are saying now.
October 20, 2011 at 2:39 pm
Perler beads? In the Uk they’re Hama beads, bang goes my joke about an MC Hama picture.
October 20, 2011 at 7:10 pm
Y’know why snoop dog carries an umbrella?
Fo Drizzle.
October 21, 2011 at 6:07 pm
And he carries a frying pan for sizzle.
October 20, 2011 at 12:25 pm
What kind of shit? No goatses? No genitals? You might as well make it a Vacation Bible School contest now. Tie my hands like that, where do you get off?**
**the above was mock anger** ***
*** I learned about disclaimers from the skating stunt dog on the coke zero commercial where it says “professional stunt dog, do not try at home”
October 20, 2011 at 12:30 pm
OOOH! A vacation Bible School Theme! I remember going to Mrs. H*****l’s after school, and she had a last supper tapestry in black velvet over her couch!
We pitied her, for God had rendered her Tasteless!
October 20, 2011 at 12:32 pm
From what I know of God, that’s a pretty tame burden to be saddled with. I’d call it a semi-win.
October 20, 2011 at 3:22 pm
Did the Last Supper black velvet tapestry glow in the dark? And when it glowed in the dark, did Elvis appear at the table? If you answered “Yes” to any of the previous questions, then she was not tasteless. She was awesomely cool.
October 20, 2011 at 3:33 pm
Alas, no. The icon of the passion of the Elvis was regrettably absent.
October 20, 2011 at 4:01 pm
I read that as “over her crotch” and then I knew why you felt the need to *** out her name.
October 20, 2011 at 12:31 pm
Without goatse, regretsy just doesn’t feel like home!
Ok, granted, _just_ goatse is too simplistic for the local masters of fuckery. But what about, e.g., a crying eagle pulling (ha!) a goatse in front of the world trade center? Is that sort of thing allowed? That is, can goatse and genitals be worked into a grander scheme?
October 20, 2011 at 2:35 pm
I’m betting HKpril would be fine with G&G being part of something more involved. I’m sure she just didn’t want to weed through dozens of simple wangs, bajingos, and spread ani. There’s only so many of those a girl can take when she still has drinks to get to.
October 21, 2011 at 8:16 am
new band name: Grander Spread Ani
October 20, 2011 at 1:57 pm
Remember, tits are still on the table!
October 20, 2011 at 2:25 pm
Yeah… We should probably clean those up before the dinner party.
Then again, I guess it depends on the guest list.
October 20, 2011 at 2:42 pm
Make sure to save me a seat at that table. Bazoomba casserole is one of my faves.
October 20, 2011 at 4:23 pm
oh good, that also means placentas are still on, too.
October 20, 2011 at 5:30 pm
Pumpkin guts are pretty much ready-made placenta, aren’t they?
October 20, 2011 at 3:00 pm
“…the coke zero commercial where it says ‘professional stunt dog, do not try at home’”
Those lawyers always outdo themselves–that copy is there just in case there is a dog watching that can read the fine print.
October 20, 2011 at 5:09 pm
My dog can read it, she just couldn’t be bothered to actually attempt it. Little prissy bitch…..
October 20, 2011 at 12:26 pm
Isn’t the actual end of the world tomorrow?
http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/guest-voices/post/october-21-2011-harold-campings-latest-apocalypse-prediction/2011/10/20/gIQAaBib0L_blog.html
October 20, 2011 at 1:25 pm
I hope so, because I have a meeting with a client!
October 20, 2011 at 3:01 pm
Get your money upfront! Sure, we’re all going to die, the world’s going to end, yadda, yadda, yadda, but you’ll go out just a little bit richer and he a little bit poorer, and won’t that feel good?
October 20, 2011 at 1:25 pm
Aw hell, I won’t have time to carve a pumpkin before tomorrow. Stupid fucking Harold Lamping, he should become a meteorologist, at least we don’t expect them to be accurate.
October 20, 2011 at 1:28 pm
That would be Harold Camping…
October 20, 2011 at 2:36 pm
Heck, you’re still more accurate than he is!
October 20, 2011 at 5:26 pm
I’m waiting to hear from Harold Kayaking, Harold Fishing and Harold Shopping before I buy into the hype.
October 20, 2011 at 5:52 pm
Or maybe Harold Knitting, Harold Owling or the ever popular Harold Planking
October 20, 2011 at 8:34 pm
why before tomorrow? The due date’s the 27th. Plenty of time to get whimsicle.
October 20, 2011 at 8:35 pm
and by that i mean dont you get to make whimsicle fuckery in heaven? if not, then NO THANKS JESUS.
October 20, 2011 at 8:43 pm
I want to like this twice. Please????
October 21, 2011 at 4:27 am
I read Lamping and thought lamprey, which somehow seems appropriate
October 20, 2011 at 2:13 pm
Ah frick. Seriously? Well, since the world is ALSO ending just days before Christmas next year, can’t I have Christmas this year? Geez… Time to go back to the bunker…
October 20, 2011 at 5:32 pm
Just think, this way you don’t have to do all that shopping!
October 20, 2011 at 3:11 pm
But that’s only for the chosen ones, right? The rest of us blasphemers and assorted sinners will still be here to deal with the plagues and hellfire, I think. If I’ve got my wackjob theology straight.
October 20, 2011 at 3:45 pm
I hope not.. I juuuust found out yesterday that the guy I talk to at my campus is actually the male nude model in the art department.
It would be terrible to just tell me this now before the world ends
October 20, 2011 at 12:26 pm
It’s the Pandorica! I knew Bronc was the Eternal Roman!
October 20, 2011 at 12:26 pm
Oooooh! Someone actually requesting I put a knife in my hand.
October 20, 2011 at 12:26 pm
Can I carve a pampkin instead?
October 20, 2011 at 12:31 pm
Pampkins aren’t edible, are they?
October 20, 2011 at 12:33 pm
How would you carve a feminine napkin? I’d love to watch you try.
October 20, 2011 at 12:38 pm
Use that magic resin as seen on CSI?
October 20, 2011 at 12:29 pm
Those perler portraits are fucking blowing my mind.
October 20, 2011 at 12:43 pm
I know, and unbelievably affordable.
October 20, 2011 at 12:43 pm
Have you looked at the prices?! It seems like waaaay too much work for a measley $48!
October 20, 2011 at 12:30 pm
I love regretsy so much I registered. When I taught preschool I thought those pony beads were such a hideous craft (great for dexterity when you’re 5), but now I see their amazing potential. Now I have to go pay a ridiculous amount for a pumpkin.
October 20, 2011 at 4:18 pm
Come to Vermont. My aunt’s farmstand has them starting at 2$ and going to 7… with a select few at higher prices (I don’t know what she’s asking for the 500+lber.
)
October 20, 2011 at 4:25 pm
Pimp
October 20, 2011 at 4:36 pm
Damned Right.
Wouldn’t you?
October 21, 2011 at 1:55 pm
Shiiiiit, that is one hefty pumpkin. I live in canada though, so my response is more “I wish” in our community, spring came way to late and fall came too soon. They want anywhere from 35-60cent a lb.
October 21, 2011 at 2:02 pm
Also, side note in regards to snoop dogg as his portrait is part of our bounty whoever wins this, I think he should give your aunt a call. He was hanging with some 60 year old man in Cardiff and gave him tickets to his show because he beat the world record for largest cucumber (or some other vegetation) He told the old farmer he was ‘into vegetation’ himself and then offered him a smoke backstage at a concert that he gave the old farmer too.
October 21, 2011 at 9:50 pm
Many of our farms lost soo much in the spring flooding and then Irene kicked the state’s ass again, but the overall effects were pretty mild in our area so she lucked out with her crop, though her corn was a little lacking this year.
October 20, 2011 at 10:13 pm
Its hard out here for a Pimp in Vermont
October 20, 2011 at 7:26 pm
A, a Vermonter? I grew up there. In many ways I wish I still lived there.
Vermonters are absolutely insane, don’t get me wrong. But they’re the good kind of insane. And the scenery can’t be beat.
October 21, 2011 at 9:51 pm
Of course I’m insane. I wouldn’t fit in here otherwise.
October 20, 2011 at 9:10 pm
Good lord, is your Aunt in the NEK? That looks eerily like the punkin stand I took the Spawnette to a birthday party a few years ago.
October 21, 2011 at 9:52 pm
No, Colchester.
October 20, 2011 at 12:33 pm
I don’t remember the contest last year, but I was pretty stoned.
That portrait of Snoop is amazing. Those dot-art people have a level of OCD that my drug addled brain can’t even comprehend.
October 20, 2011 at 12:40 pm
Awesome Snoop picture … today is his birthday, too
October 20, 2011 at 12:45 pm
No word of a lie. I was looking at these last night on flickr and was going suggest another competition. Should of known you would be on top of it. Not that I will enter, I would probably lose a thumb trying to do anything with pointy objects but I do like looking at Halloween shit.
October 20, 2011 at 12:45 pm
Oooooo I am way more excited about this than I should be!!!! I’ll start carving this weekend, right after I finish sewing my sons’ hobo costumes!!!
And no, I’m not joking…. I’m really dressing my 4 and 6 year old boys up as hobos for Halloween. Don’t like it? Fuck off.
October 20, 2011 at 2:20 pm
I think everyone has done a hobo for Halloween.
October 20, 2011 at 2:44 pm
Some of us don’t even have to make a costume.
October 20, 2011 at 3:35 pm
I still remember the walk of shame, home from his dumpster…
October 20, 2011 at 5:00 pm
Aww… I was gonna say that!!
Well, not about the walk of shame, ’cause I was still crawling at that point.
October 20, 2011 at 3:40 pm
Yeah, well, I haven’t!!! And neither have my boys!!! And, and… and I’m gonna make them hold a big CF4L poster for a picture to send to April, and I bet nobody’s done THAT before!! *sniff*
October 20, 2011 at 3:47 pm
I will raise my hand now and honestly state that I have never done a hobo ever in my life.
October 20, 2011 at 5:07 pm
I haven’t done a hobo either, but I’ve done a musician and that’s even worse.
October 20, 2011 at 5:54 pm
but not a drummer right?
October 20, 2011 at 10:15 pm
I’ve done a few Hoho’s!!
October 20, 2011 at 4:25 pm
awesome, and next year you can dress them as sad hipsters.. all you’ d need is one sweater cut in half!
October 20, 2011 at 6:55 pm
*ahem* I do believe you didn’t read the last sentence of my post.
October 20, 2011 at 12:46 pm
None of you fat slags better steal my idea for a Crying Glitter Pumpkin. Cause I’ll sue your asses. I’ll litigate you bitches till you cry your own trademarked glitter tears. So back off.
October 20, 2011 at 1:47 pm
I think you forgot to mention you’ll also inform the FBI, because they really care about that shit.
October 20, 2011 at 2:20 pm
October 20, 2011 at 3:26 pm
This is the greatest thing I’ve seen all day. I hope someone sends it to Dennis Waldron. I realize we’ve probably annoyed him enough to cross the line, but as I always say, lines are made to be snorted.
October 20, 2011 at 12:50 pm
I love a challenge! Penises and vaginas come way too easy for me too!
October 20, 2011 at 12:57 pm
I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE.
October 20, 2011 at 12:55 pm
I want to see a Smooth Groove carved from a pumpkin.
October 20, 2011 at 2:45 pm
But is it antibacterial?
October 20, 2011 at 1:00 pm
Ok- can anyone read the label on the box? I really want to know how Helen classifies all the whimsicle shit she gets.
October 20, 2011 at 1:00 pm
Unrelated to the post, but is that an Expedit storage unit with a Kassett Paper Storage Box with Lid from Ikea in that photo?
October 20, 2011 at 1:07 pm
Oooh- I just got some of those Kassett boxes from Ikea. I couldn’t believe how difficult they made assembling a cardboard box. They must get employee bonuses or something for that.
October 20, 2011 at 3:09 pm
I recently got the IKEA Fillsta desk lamp and simply couldn’t assemble the bloody thing. After about an hour’s worth of increasingly frustrated fiddling I conceded defeat. Much to my embarrassment, my boyfriend then finished the job for me in five minutes flat. I guess I’ll let him carve my pumpkin, too.
October 20, 2011 at 4:00 pm
Yeah, you will.
October 20, 2011 at 10:17 pm
I see what you did there
October 20, 2011 at 10:54 pm
Tee hee.
October 20, 2011 at 1:02 pm
I suspect April HAD to go for the “no Goatse” rule, otherwise she’d get an inbox full of identical pumpkins. This is how we grow as artists. She’s pushing us to BE BETTER PEOPLE, folks.
That bitch.
October 20, 2011 at 3:28 pm
Well that’s not her job! She’s supposed to make us fatter, more jealous, bigger losers!
October 20, 2011 at 4:16 pm
I was going to do a take on the Food Network goatse pumpkin, but…dammit! How can I do that without goatse? I just don’t know what to do!!!
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! *kermit flail*
October 20, 2011 at 1:07 pm
I may just end up with a big pulpy mess on the floor (and that’s BEFORE I start carving!), but I’m going to attempt to make a Pumpkin Flounce!
October 20, 2011 at 2:22 pm
sounds like a joke:
How do you make a pumpkin flounce?
October 20, 2011 at 2:22 pm
Calling her a squash!
(I’ll be here all week)
October 20, 2011 at 4:27 pm
bah dump bump.
October 20, 2011 at 4:30 pm
PUMPKIN FLOUNCE
Two cups pumpkin, one can Spam (minced) and 750ml bottle Bacardi 151. Mix the pumpkin, Spam and half cup Bacardi 151 together in a bowl. Then throw out the mixture and continue using the Bacardi. Serves 4
October 20, 2011 at 1:24 pm
I was debating whether to bother carving pumpkins for the downtown “safe” trick or treat thing.
Now I must traumatize children. I MUST.
because giving them Goosebumps books won’t keep them up at night already. MWAHAHAHAHAA
October 20, 2011 at 2:00 pm
Halloween’s not fun if you can’t traumatize some children!
October 20, 2011 at 1:24 pm
Last year’s entries were just incredible. And, like every contest, mine won’t be in the same league, but I will try anyway, being the fat, jealous loser that I am.
October 20, 2011 at 1:24 pm
October 20, 2011 at 1:43 pm
ROFL. This is vaginaballs.
October 20, 2011 at 8:50 pm
Rolled in awesomesauce.
October 20, 2011 at 1:35 pm
Actually, I don’t think carving a penis out of a pumpkin would be that easy — not if the pumpkin were to be recognisable as a pumpkin afterwards. Seriously, try picturing it in your mind’s eye. Unless you think you’ll be turned on by the thought of a pumpkin penis, in which case you should probably refrain.
(But hey, who am I to deny fellow Regretsians their kicks?)
October 20, 2011 at 2:03 pm
Ohh, I just had a terrible idea… you ever seen those square watermelons they grow with special molds? Next year I could grow pumpkins molded into a penis shape! My landlord is totally gonna hate me if I put those out as jack-o-lanterns, ’cause there are a LOT of kids in this neighborhood. EPIC.
October 20, 2011 at 2:14 pm
Go for it! I’m sure there will be an Etsy seller who can get you a penis-shaped mould.
October 20, 2011 at 2:25 pm
aren’t all pumpkins by definition female because they’re full of seeds?
A pumpkin penis would probably be rather small and inside the flower.
October 20, 2011 at 4:09 pm
You could freestyle it with a butternut squash. Still in the same squashy family.
October 20, 2011 at 2:17 pm
I’m sad that I can’t submit the (very ordinary) pumpkin I carved at home on Monday night, because that fucker was covered with blood by the time I was done. Moral of the story: never give a Soujin a sharp knife.
October 20, 2011 at 2:57 pm
October 20, 2011 at 3:05 pm
Yes! Just in time for my pumpkin stabbing party on Saturday!
October 20, 2011 at 3:20 pm
That Perler portrait is absolutely AMAZING. I never knew Perler beads could be so artistic. A-M-A-Z-I-N-G.
October 20, 2011 at 3:20 pm
Believe it or not, guys, but pumpkin goatse has been done! I guess we’re not the only people in the world who are a teensy bit obsessed.
I suppose you could argue that this is portraying the wrong slit, but even so, hats off to whoever produced this…
October 20, 2011 at 3:38 pm
Actually, on closer inspection it does seem to be the right slit, although it’s somewhat oddly shaped. So there you go, a bona fide goatse pumpkin. Woo hoo!
October 20, 2011 at 5:38 pm
If you click on the link in April’s post, it goes to another good goatse pumpkin.
October 20, 2011 at 5:45 pm
I missed that the first time round. Goodness, that is terrifying.
October 20, 2011 at 4:13 pm
I kind of want in even though I’m a giant nerd.
October 20, 2011 at 4:27 pm
Are you kidding me? It’s nerds and geeks who tend to excel at this sort of thing. Have a look, for instance, at what these Star Wars geeks came up with:
And here’s one that was made by a movie buff:
The nerdier, the better in this sort of contest, it seems to me.
October 20, 2011 at 4:26 pm
If I do it… I’m scared what my ex-wife and kids will think.
I’ve a bunch of pumpkins sitting on the counter just asking to be regretsied…
October 20, 2011 at 5:35 pm
Not to be that guy, but Harold Camping said that it was probably still coming tomorrow. I’m planning on leaving my clothes out around town and in trees, it’ll be even better because people won’t remember that this is the second round rapture.
Anyway, I have to think of something to carve into the pumpkin… Dror? monkeys riding on dogs drinking vodka? flounce cats?
October 20, 2011 at 5:39 pm
Definitely Dror!
October 20, 2011 at 6:16 pm
I’m a pagan, so Christian holidays rarely impact my festivities.
I think that a Regretsy Themed pumpkin will be just the thing to ward off evil spirits, don’t you?
October 20, 2011 at 9:26 pm
I think a Regretsy themed pumpkin would be made by evil and be full of spirits.
October 20, 2011 at 6:54 pm
ZOMG!! Did you already know about PXL8R before I posted a link to his stuff?
October 20, 2011 at 9:28 pm
I may have to do this, just to try to win the right to have a perler portrait made of my neighbor’s chihuahua humping my dachshund.
October 20, 2011 at 10:37 pm
Can someone help my exhausted brain? It’s been a crappy work week, finally over, and I don’t plan to drink (I usually don’t anyway but am making an exception!) until tomorrow.
Who is on the ‘main’ pumpkin and what is she thumbs-upping? My eyes just can’t make anything out of it…shit, I have less trouble with that Magic Eye shit.
October 20, 2011 at 10:57 pm
Could it be April thumbs-upping Regretsy? Just a suggestion…
October 21, 2011 at 12:08 am
Looks like rear gear.
October 21, 2011 at 8:33 am
October 21, 2011 at 9:52 am
I wish I could share my idea but it’s copyrighted and I don’t want anyone stealng it.
October 21, 2011 at 10:06 pm
So I actually saw this pumpkin in the patch a few weeks ago, and immediately saw Trollface guy, and I carved him with a painstaking technique that included tracing the image off my laptop screen (don’t have a printer), taping it to the pumpkin, poking hundreds of pinholes over all my lines, and then carving the image using wood carving tools. I didn’t know there was a Regretsy pumpkin contest, but I suppose this fits! I wish I had centered the image better, but oh well. I’m just a fat, jealous loser.
October 22, 2011 at 12:47 pm
*My internet cut out as I was posting this…here it is again…*
This is my pouty, sad hipster pumpkin. She has a black glove hat, lensless geeky glasses, actual feather earrings featured on Regretsy, a single glitter tear, mustache on a stick, the ‘Sad Hipster’ one armed shrug, tiny ‘Eat Kale’ skants, a placenta, a mason jar full of dead Italian honey bees, and Level 4 cat come to life. I will be e-mailing this shortly!
(I was going to take this picture in front of my uncles free-range chickens but it was hard enough getting the damn cat to stay still! Also, hot glue and pumpkins don’t mix, fyi)