This is the greatest day of my life.
A few months ago, after seeing yet another lace covered rock on the front page of Etsy, I had an idea, and I posted it in the Regretsy forums.
I asked you to make something incredibly stupid, and quietly place it in your Etsy store. You’d tag these items with ‘CF4L” so others could find them, and then start making treasuries to promote this crap. The object, of course, was to see how long it took Etsy to put one of these pieces of shit on the front page.
In order for this to work, these objet d’fart would have to be studded with irresistible Etsy bait:
• Annoying description
• Muted palette
• Useless
• Overpriced
• Artfully photographed on distressed wood
• Buzzwords like upcycled, salvaged, reclaimed, vintage, etc.
It was a funny idea, But to be honest, I forgot about the whole thing.
Until today.
Today, on the front page, Etsy featured this handpicked piece of shit:
A $12.00 nail. Photographed on distressed wood. On the front page.
I must admit, I have mixed feelings about this.
On the one hand, having irrefutable proof that Etsy is this stupid is almost depressing.
On the other hand, I may have pissed my pants.
October 17, 2011 at 7:04 pm
Awesome! We’re a force to be reckoned with!
October 17, 2011 at 7:05 pm
Is it sad that I want to purchase such fuckery to decorate a Fuckery tree for the holidays? :V
October 17, 2011 at 7:07 pm
A Fuckery tree sounds like a brilliant idea. Another contest, maybe?
October 17, 2011 at 7:12 pm
I would gladly accept a challenge to make whimsical fuckery ornaments.
or baubles.
fuckery baubles.
can someone please make a miniature spam casserole ornament?
October 17, 2011 at 7:16 pm
Oh gosh, I have the clay and free time to try it. Holy shit, that sounds amazing.
October 17, 2011 at 7:18 pm
DO IT!!!!!! Oh man… BEST CHRISTMAS EVER!
October 17, 2011 at 7:23 pm
Gonna go dig that up and work on it now, while I got the fire of fuckery in me. And the whiskey, the whiskey too. :V
October 17, 2011 at 7:24 pm
You’d better make a whiskey bottle to go with that casserole, then.
October 17, 2011 at 7:27 pm
Aw hell yea!
This night keeps getting better!
October 17, 2011 at 8:09 pm
A whiskey BABY bottle? With crocheted animal cozy?
October 17, 2011 at 10:19 pm
I think “the fire of fuckery” is my new favorite phrase.
October 18, 2011 at 7:50 am
Fuckfire?
October 18, 2011 at 9:24 am
I am NOT clicking on that link.
But it does remind me of the climax of The Devil In Miss Jones, where Satan shoots sparks when he… shoots sparks.
October 19, 2011 at 9:47 am
I like fucking and I like fire, so I’m very tempted to click on that link.
But it’s fanfiction.net… I know better.
October 17, 2011 at 8:14 pm
A miniature spam casserole ornament would be a little more original that a little spam can ornament…and I do have the wool. No. No. It’s 2 weeks before Halloween and I have dark and terrible things to felt first.
October 17, 2011 at 9:51 pm
And it is done. Now just to find a tiny bottle for the tiny Jack Daniels.
October 17, 2011 at 11:36 pm
check outside your liquor store on the ground. up-cycle that shit.
October 18, 2011 at 8:26 am
There’s a set of bushes behind one of our local malls that collects obscene numbers of those tiny liquor bottles. I have no idea where they come from, but now I know what I can do with them!
October 18, 2011 at 11:25 am
Actually, I once got a tiny bottle of tabasco that couldn’t have been more than an inch long. I’m not sure where else you’d find a tiny glass bottle.
October 17, 2011 at 7:27 pm
I’ve actually been working on a fuckery tree in my spare time that I intend to mail to April this month. It’s even in the one foot angry loner size! Here are some of the ornaments.
October 17, 2011 at 7:35 pm
I fucking love you.
October 18, 2011 at 9:35 am
I platonically love you both.
Unless there’s a wool-fetish or dirty finger puppet ornament. Then I might be overcome with passion and you’ll be ducking flying 46D sports bras.
October 18, 2011 at 4:43 am
1000 thumbs up
October 18, 2011 at 8:04 am
Sweet! But where are the mustaches?
October 18, 2011 at 12:43 pm
Oh man, I’ll make some mustaches today. Good call!
October 17, 2011 at 7:46 pm
Fuckery bush, perhaps?
October 17, 2011 at 7:54 pm
Triangle fuckery bush.
October 17, 2011 at 7:59 pm
With a round CF4L button.
October 17, 2011 at 8:22 pm
and a magical button.
October 19, 2011 at 3:34 pm
A shiny, pink, new fuckery button.
October 17, 2011 at 8:00 pm
Fuckery hedge. Channukah has already claimed the bush.
October 17, 2011 at 8:11 pm
Might it be a Chrismakwanzika Triangle Fuckery Bush then? We can stir everything together in true fuckery fashion.
Push the CF4L button to for a “special surprise”?
October 17, 2011 at 8:19 pm
oh sure, blame the Jews.
THE BUSH WAS ASKING FOR IT.
October 17, 2011 at 9:29 pm
I plan on decorating my menorah with a new bit of Fuckery every night.
I’m super excited about Hanukkah now!
October 18, 2011 at 12:05 am
What about the 12 days of Chrismakwanzika?
On the first day of Chrismakwanzika my true love gave to me…
An Iron Angel in a Triangle Fuckery Buuuush…
On the second day of Chrismakwanzika my true love gave to me…
Twooo Flouncing Caaats
And an Iron Angel in a Triangle Fuckery Buuuush…
On the third day of Chrismakwanzika my true love gave to me…
Threeee Finnish vodkaaaaas
Twooo Flouncing Caaats…
And an Iron Angel in a Triangle Fuckery Buuuush…
And on… I’m too tired to write out any more. Plus… it’s not even Halloween yet. WAY too early to be thinking about xmas. But I’m sure there are plenty of awesomely inappropriate CF4L references for the rest… (Drors a-dancing, haha). Enough of that from me.
October 17, 2011 at 9:25 pm
And a KNOB.
October 18, 2011 at 6:14 am
I’ll settle for nothing less than a fuckery shrubbery.
October 18, 2011 at 8:26 am
Something nice but not too expensive? Sounds perfect!
October 17, 2011 at 8:34 pm
Might I suggest BB’s Amazeballs?
http://www.etsy.com/shop/BBAmazeballs
October 18, 2011 at 1:24 am
“PLEASE DO NOT CONVO ME AND ASK ABOUT THIS BALL’S SPERM!”
Fucking AWESOME! (And the balls are AMAZEBALLS too!)
October 18, 2011 at 8:27 am
BB’s spunkbubbles are the saltiest!
October 18, 2011 at 7:39 am
That would be the perfect excuse for me to buy out that Merman website. The angel nail will be the crowning jewel of course. Pieces of barnwood wrapped in ribbon and bows for presents.
Now where’s my worthless prize?
October 18, 2011 at 12:10 pm
I’m in! I’m already making a team of broken-legged reindeer with upcycled cereal box antlers!
October 18, 2011 at 3:21 pm
Oooh! Oooh! I make something whimsically fucked: Glitter bacon ornaments!>
What they lack in pomposity, they make up for in GLITTERY BACONY GOODNESS.
October 20, 2011 at 8:26 pm
I’ve already been sent to the hospital several times for eating Christmas ornaments– at least now I have an excuse! Thank you, SheSaidPop!
October 17, 2011 at 7:07 pm
BEST IDEA EVER.
October 17, 2011 at 7:08 pm
Me too! A tree of complete fuckery – what could be better? Decorate it w/rusty nails, bits of twine (found of course), and sad little one-eared elephants…
October 19, 2011 at 1:47 pm
A fuckery tree would be the perfect thing for me to make, just to put an exclamation point on the fact that my family thinks I am completely bat shit insane.
I’ve got plenty of useless crap I can use for materials. Even crap. No, really… rabbit turds are already a nice round shape, Add a little spray paint and glitter.
Brilliant idea or to far over the edge?
October 19, 2011 at 4:22 pm
At first I was thinking “TOO FAR!” but now all I can picture is a garland string of tiny gold-sprayed glittery rabbit poo and wishing I had it on my own fuckery tree.
October 20, 2011 at 4:07 pm
Yeah, I think I might do it! I got some poo balls of ideas rolling around in my head. First I need to come up with a plan to avoid the straight jacket my family will surely insist I wear.
October 20, 2011 at 8:27 pm
FluffyBunnyTurds, you can borrow mine. My mom managed to get the glitter out in the wash.
October 17, 2011 at 7:09 pm
Yes. Because then I can’t have it for my fuckery tree.
October 17, 2011 at 7:13 pm
a fuckery tree with a huge winged fatjealous loser, orrr– better yet, April on top, complete with balaclava! love the idea.
October 17, 2011 at 7:18 pm
Totally perfect idea for the next teamapril shop!!!!
October 17, 2011 at 7:35 pm
I was trying to find goatse hands to make an ornament blingy gif i just dreamed up… thinking of a fuckery tree made me think of my grandmas old Christmas ornaments, those glass balls that had indents on the side with a contrasting color painted in the indent, with glitter and such? haha
October 17, 2011 at 7:45 pm
Yes. Yes.
I am SO dreaming of a fuckery Christmas right now.
October 17, 2011 at 8:29 pm
No, No, No! the topper needs to be a Vvajazzled Bajingo!
October 17, 2011 at 8:32 pm
All that’s missing are the wings. Made from free-range goose feathers.
I made this in my artistic ability and I am very fucking proud of myself.
October 17, 2011 at 8:51 pm
AwesomeMouse!
October 17, 2011 at 9:00 pm
holy shitballs that thing is fucking priceless!!!!!!!
October 17, 2011 at 9:26 pm
Where the hell did you get that dog fabric?
October 17, 2011 at 9:44 pm
Local quilt shop. That shit is always in stock in one form or another.
October 18, 2011 at 8:53 am
I’m in Queens and can’t find a fabric or quilt shop anywhere! Where is the one you go to?
October 18, 2011 at 12:07 pm
I live in Sonoma, CA. No fabric stores in Queens? How strange. Guess you could always mount an expedition to Manhattan or something. And there’s plenty of novelty fabric to be found online. F’rinstance:
This, this, this, this, or this.
And those are just from the first vendor I found in a Google search. Crafters love themselves some dog fabric!
October 19, 2011 at 10:40 am
@Knitibranch—oops. I thought you were in NYC! Thanks for the Google searches (you didn’t have to do that!). There used to be a shop in my neighborhood but it closed. Without a car, shops in NJ or on the Island aren’t accessible.
Thank you again. These will help a great deal.
October 17, 2011 at 9:43 pm
That is so beautiful. I shed a tear.
October 18, 2011 at 1:27 am
A glittery tear…
October 18, 2011 at 5:43 pm
That is so fucking amazing, I don’t even have words.
October 18, 2011 at 11:02 pm
You are magic!
October 17, 2011 at 9:58 pm
Or just a farm animal balaclava with the treetop up it’s hole, like an angel.
October 17, 2011 at 7:22 pm
More sad that someone beat you to it. Though, Fuckery tree sounds like a winning tradition.
October 17, 2011 at 8:14 pm
I feel this should have it’s own word but the spelling is throwing me. Fuckeritree, Fuckeritry, Fuck-r-tree. None look good, so I must be content to saying Fuckery tree fast.
October 17, 2011 at 8:17 pm
Did you post this before it sold, or are you the lucky buyer?
October 17, 2011 at 9:48 pm
I think Schrodingers Santa would be a fine addition to the Tree o’Fuckery…
http://www.etsy.com/listing/76712849/schrodingers-santa-in-box-with-cat-ooak?ref=sr_gallery_35&ga_search_submit=&ga_search_query=cf4l&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_ship_to=US&ga_page=4&ga_search_type=handmade&ga_facet=handmade
October 17, 2011 at 9:49 pm
I have a silver tinsel tree that needs fuckery. I was thinking about buying a bunch of mermen, but perhaps I’m thinking too small…?
October 18, 2011 at 4:46 am
My mother would freaking love this.
October 19, 2011 at 11:18 am
Not at all.
99% of my Christmas trees were covered in all sorts of fuckery.
October 17, 2011 at 7:06 pm
All right, who the fuck made this glorious piece of shit?
Because I must bow down to you. Must, because this is fucking amazing.
October 18, 2011 at 4:45 am
I love love love that its someone in Stratford – bet she works in the prop or costume shop there.
October 17, 2011 at 7:06 pm
It’s so beautiful! And just $12! I must have it!
October 17, 2011 at 7:06 pm
Looks like we nailed it.
October 17, 2011 at 7:15 pm
Damn. Should have read all comments. Apologies for repeat further down.
October 17, 2011 at 7:48 pm
Yeah, we pretty much hit the hammer on the head.
October 17, 2011 at 7:06 pm
ladyinthetower FTW!
October 17, 2011 at 7:08 pm
http://www.etsy.com/shop/ladyinthetower
October 17, 2011 at 7:20 pm
She has a BACON MASK. My life is complete.
October 17, 2011 at 10:57 pm
I’m so disappointed right now that my quest to be more ‘minimal’ and less wasteful has so warped my mind that I can’t think of a single fucking rationalization for buying one of those GORGEOUS masks!
October 18, 2011 at 5:27 am
Uh oh, inability to rationalize superfluous spending is a symptom of sobriety. I suggest 500mls of Vodka, STAT.
October 17, 2011 at 7:06 pm
My first thought was, “I must buy this.”
My second thought was, “I’m not paying $12 for a fucking nail.”
October 17, 2011 at 7:08 pm
But it’s an antique reclaimed vintage free-range hand-foraged nail, goddammit!
That has to add at least…like 50 cents.
October 18, 2011 at 1:05 am
That is true. A sweaty, hairy, nineteenth century blacksmith made that nail in his artistic ability.
October 18, 2011 at 8:31 am
Can you imagine the expression on his sweaty hairy face if came back from the dead and learned that his nail was being sold for $12!
October 18, 2011 at 9:15 pm
Can you imagine the expression on his face if he came back and saw his nail had been made into a free-range hand-foraged freaking ANGEL being sold for $12? My mind is enjoying this scenario way too much, especially since I recently watched Edwardian Farm.
October 18, 2011 at 10:21 am
Yeah, I almost fell into the trap. At first I was like, “Oh hey I kinda like that idea…” But then I was like, “Wait…no. No. NO.”
October 18, 2011 at 4:29 pm
I believe it’s also Steampunk. Come on!
October 19, 2011 at 10:20 am
For twelve dollars, it had better be a screw.
October 17, 2011 at 7:07 pm
Shame I’m no longer selling on Etsy. This is a challenge I would have quickly accepted.
October 17, 2011 at 7:07 pm
IT IS MINEE!!!!!!
October 17, 2011 at 7:11 pm
I bought it for the intrinsic fuckery value. This will be a first and last for me.
October 17, 2011 at 7:16 pm
Well done. It’s a piece of history.
October 17, 2011 at 7:26 pm
Does anyone find it ironic that I just *happen* to also be wearing the devil horns that I also bought from Etsy and just came in today. I call it fate. Whimsickle fate.
October 17, 2011 at 7:48 pm
Just to let you know, you spelled whimsicle wrong.
October 17, 2011 at 8:05 pm
Bah! It’s sad when I can’t even spell incorrectly spelled words right. I’m blaming the excellent education system that I grew up in.
October 17, 2011 at 8:21 pm
“wrong” is such an ugly word. I much prefer “riffedly”
no, i don’t exactly know what the hell that means, either.
October 18, 2011 at 6:28 am
October 17, 2011 at 7:53 pm
No. It’s exactly the opposite of irony.
October 17, 2011 at 11:10 pm
I dunno. Nails are irony the way spam is hammy. Ironic is exactly the way I’d describe this nail-based object d’fart.
October 17, 2011 at 7:28 pm
I kinda would have liked to have seen how long it would take for someone to really buy it.
October 17, 2011 at 7:35 pm
Then some undeserving cockass would have it in their possession forever and ever.
October 17, 2011 at 9:01 pm
this.
October 17, 2011 at 7:48 pm
I was thinking that too. I’m sure it would sell within the day to some skinny, unjealous winner.
October 17, 2011 at 7:58 pm
She could always make more. “Lady in the Tower: Picking the pockets of twee little Etsy buyers who have more money than sense since 2009.”
October 17, 2011 at 8:00 pm
More dollars than sense! It describes etsyers so well. =)
October 17, 2011 at 8:25 pm
Well, she is selling prints of the listing photo.
October 18, 2011 at 3:52 am
Brilliant. Now that’s the way to reel in the thin, smug winners.
October 17, 2011 at 8:17 pm
Thanks for giving it a good home. I’ll be sending it off to you tomorrow!
Now I have to actually get around to photographing the two smaller ones I made at the same time. (I used some antique barbed wire for one of them) Although, I do feel a bit queasy about listing more.
October 17, 2011 at 9:08 pm
Don’t forget to add the “featured on the front page” banner.
October 17, 2011 at 9:38 pm
Actually, I can’t. All three look pretty different so they’ll all need separate listings/photos. (I totally should have tagged it as “ooak”!)
October 17, 2011 at 8:46 pm
:p I wanted to own a piece of Regretsy!
October 17, 2011 at 7:07 pm
I can’t decide on my snark for tonight. Should I go the blasphemous route or the slave-labor-built-the-railroads route?
October 17, 2011 at 7:18 pm
BLASPHEME! BLASPHEME! BLASPHEME!
October 17, 2011 at 8:07 pm
Listen, all I said is that this fuckery was good enough for Jehova!
October 17, 2011 at 8:12 pm
*dons fake beard and throws stones wrapped in twine*
October 17, 2011 at 9:55 pm
*reads haiku in tribute understandable to no one*
October 18, 2011 at 6:30 am
are there any…women here?
October 17, 2011 at 7:07 pm
TWELVE BUCKS???? Why, I’d pay at least $12.50 for it (but only with free shipping).
October 17, 2011 at 7:09 pm
I’m extra excited because the seller lives in a beautiful village only about an HOUR away from here!!! Canadian Fuckery FTW!!!!
October 17, 2011 at 7:16 pm
I’m just over 2 hrs from Stratford! And it’s the hometown of the Biebs! ok…they can’t win them all..but they have Shakespeare! LEARN ALL THE SHAKESPEARES!
October 17, 2011 at 7:36 pm
All the Shakespeare?
October 17, 2011 at 8:09 pm
Every square inch of his lithe, poetic body.
October 18, 2011 at 9:43 am
That makes me think there is a Shakespeare/Dror/Towel Mike threesome fanfic out there somewhere.
October 19, 2011 at 10:58 am
Rule 34, my friend.
October 17, 2011 at 8:16 pm
We have the Biebs down here now.
He lives in Alpharetta, because if he lived in Decatur they’d mistake him for a lesbian.
October 17, 2011 at 10:34 pm
HAH! This is so true because it’s true.
Too many nights I spent at My Sister’s Room, instead of The Jungle.. because I was nice like that.
October 18, 2011 at 6:01 am
Whaaaaaaaaaaa? Biebs lives in my town? Geez, there goes the neighborhood.
October 17, 2011 at 8:20 pm
Sad but true: Our local tourism office did a “Beibs Stratford” map, showing all “his” local landmarks. It got more coverage than the Festival usually does…
October 18, 2011 at 2:21 am
I particularly enjoyed the fact that the map included the place he had his first date and he spilled spaghetti either on himself or the girl.
It was the first thing my mom sent me when I told her I was dogsitting for someone in Stratford back in February…it made me cry sad glittery eagle tears
October 17, 2011 at 7:09 pm
It really is astounding that they picked up that kind of pointless fuckery instead of ANY of the beautifully crafted pieces in the store. The craftsmanship on those masks is brilliant.
October 17, 2011 at 7:32 pm
The masks are gorgeous!
October 17, 2011 at 7:56 pm
The important part is we got to see those beautiful masks! Well played!
October 17, 2011 at 8:11 pm
Thanks! Compliments are always welcome. (and are just so much easier to deal with than the “WTF?!?” faces I sometimes get at shows)
October 18, 2011 at 5:47 pm
People are probably just shocked to see something that isn’t dichroic glass, stone wear pottery, beaded jewelry made with semi precious stones, or inlaid wood. If you ever get a chance to come to San Francisco, your masks would be very well received. Although, you might not want to know where people wore them or what they did there…
October 17, 2011 at 7:10 pm
This f*ckery is the best Christmas present Etsy could dole out to us fat jealous loosers. Dumb sh*ts.
October 17, 2011 at 7:10 pm
It’s always nice to have your cynicism completely validated. If you ever have a sliver of doubt about whether the cupcakes have it coming, look back on this and rest assured that they do.
October 17, 2011 at 7:10 pm
Also doubles as a vampire killing stake when you just can’t find a vampire killing wooden stake. What’s not to love?
October 17, 2011 at 7:12 pm
Masks are awesome, love that the seller is also selling a PHOTO of the nail angel, also for $12.
October 17, 2011 at 7:16 pm
That’s meta-fuckery.
October 17, 2011 at 7:12 pm
That’s totally awesome!!!!! The description is priceless!!!!
Now though, I might have to rethink about taking pictures of my items on distressed wood. Ugh, but the porch has the best light. At least I am guilty of 1/6 in the list above.
October 17, 2011 at 7:15 pm
This item has
1530 views
159 admirers
57 Treasury lists
GO TEAM APRIL!!!!!!!!
October 17, 2011 at 11:14 pm
…which means that soon you’ll be seeing little naily angels all over the damn place. With different feathers. Gilded. With googly eyes. With white pipe cleaner wrapped around the bottom and tagged “poodle angel”. And on. And on. And on.
October 18, 2011 at 4:08 am
Uploaded with ImageShack.us
October 18, 2011 at 5:32 am
Oh God, what have we done?…
October 18, 2011 at 6:33 am
“poodle angel” just made me hurk coffee into my sinuses
October 18, 2011 at 9:02 am
I have the feathers….loads of them. I think you all need to give me an idea on what to put them on and then I’ll post it/them and see where it goes from there. Total whimsical feather fuckery!!!!
October 18, 2011 at 9:45 am
Don’t worry. Sinus coffee kills cold germs!
And sensory receptor cells, probably, but you can’t make an omelet without killing a few bunnies.
October 18, 2011 at 3:25 pm
If nail angels become a thing, it will be fantastic.
October 17, 2011 at 7:13 pm
April… you nailed it!
October 17, 2011 at 7:14 pm
This is just…this…wow.
October 17, 2011 at 7:15 pm
I would pay 12.00..hell, 20.00…for the photograph…it’s awesome.
October 17, 2011 at 7:43 pm
Well, today’s you’re lucky day then:
http://www.etsy.com/listing/79311163/fine-art-photograph-8×8-iron-angel
October 17, 2011 at 7:47 pm
I totally used the wrong “your” didn’t I?
October 17, 2011 at 8:12 pm
yup. But thanks for posting the link!!
October 18, 2011 at 3:06 am
Oh, I favorited that! (I should have added I would buy that if I had any money – jobless son is home from college – if I thought I was broke last week, its nothing compared to this week).
That’s on my What I Want for Christmas List. A list of stuff I buy myself..
October 17, 2011 at 7:16 pm
I was having the shittiest, “I hate etsy and the whole world” kind of day, but then, I saw this! I have renewed hope for the world! Maybe not etsy, but for the world!
October 17, 2011 at 7:16 pm
Ah, Regretsy, inspiring me to exercise my mediocre Photoshop skills yet again.
October 17, 2011 at 7:21 pm
I think the angel on the right is explaining a Punch and Judy show to the oddly adolescent baby Jesus.
And what the hell is that below his feet? Did he kick off his shoe or is that a giant turd?
October 17, 2011 at 7:24 pm
The image is actually Our Lady of Perpetual Help, which is still rather appropriate, I believe. Maybe the baby was constipated?
October 17, 2011 at 7:30 pm
I put my money on the poo. I’ll even double down if his own face appears in it.
October 19, 2011 at 3:56 am
can’t…stop…laughing….
October 17, 2011 at 7:31 pm
That should totally have April’s face in there somewhere. If not the madonna, then one of the angels…
October 17, 2011 at 7:43 pm
How about as the pooping baby?
October 17, 2011 at 8:12 pm
You tell me it’s April, I’m seeing Linda Evangelista.
http://x17online.com/LEVANGELISTA101007_02.jpg
(Yes, I know how to imbed images. But this picture keeps coming out ginormous.)
October 17, 2011 at 8:16 pm
Homunculus April… hehehe
October 17, 2011 at 7:16 pm
Anything SALAVGED is front page stuff! Dert.
October 17, 2011 at 7:19 pm
Is salavged a cross between salved and savaged?
October 17, 2011 at 7:23 pm
Only if the nails in the cross are hand-foraged.
October 17, 2011 at 8:08 pm
I sold my soul to spell check but sometimes it lets me down. *sigh* No matter how many times I check, I always miss a few misspellings. (vitnage being my most common one…)
October 17, 2011 at 8:18 pm
You created a backstory that includes turning the soil annually and foraging for nails.
This takes that Scarlett O’Hara rotten turnip scene and blows it out of the water.
“As God is my witness, I’ll never upcycle again!”
October 17, 2011 at 11:02 pm
See, I thought I was ‘seeing what you did there’–since you had foraged for the nail in the field-turnings, I assumed you did it with your weathered, tired hands. Thus, hand-foraged.
Your wonderfully flowery description really put this one over the top. Good job!
October 18, 2011 at 9:46 am
Yes, please?
October 17, 2011 at 7:16 pm
Etsy has been officially and wondrously Poe’d.
October 17, 2011 at 7:17 pm
I actually saw that fp before and thought “what the fuck?”. Fucking brilliant.
October 17, 2011 at 7:17 pm
And it’s already sold!
I love that she put “hand-foraged” instead of “hand-forged”. I might start listing all my finds as “hand-foraged”.
October 17, 2011 at 7:19 pm
HOLY CRAP IT SOLD
…Wait, April, did you buy it?
October 17, 2011 at 7:21 pm
No, Mad March Hare bought it. I wanted it though, believe me.
October 17, 2011 at 8:31 pm
Well the solution is clear. Ladyinthtetower needs to create a pattern in her artistic ability and sell it.
Even better, she can “forage up” some more rusty nails and goose feathers and make craft kits and charge 12.99 over the cost for S/H!
October 17, 2011 at 7:19 pm
This is such a beautiful day.
October 17, 2011 at 7:20 pm
She had me at “free-range goose feathers”! CF4L!!!
October 17, 2011 at 8:27 pm
You know what’s really sad, it’s actually true! (people hear that I make masks using feathers and then give me some from their flocks. But shed goose feathers don’t really work with the whole Venetian gilded look)
October 17, 2011 at 8:55 pm
That is so incredibly awesome! And your masks are stunning…I hope you sell lots of them
October 17, 2011 at 7:23 pm
It’s sort of beautiful. But these aren’t. They’re just plain AWESOME! http://img1.etsystatic.com/il_fullxfull.273204205.jpg
October 17, 2011 at 8:20 pm
Goetse cat earrings! bwahaha
October 17, 2011 at 8:20 pm
damn autocorrect.
October 17, 2011 at 7:23 pm
I am so disappointed I missed this whole thing. How did that happen. Wait? A few months ago? Oh, that’s when I had to pack up my glue guns and rhinestones. Damnit.
October 17, 2011 at 7:26 pm
Guerilla fuckery at its finest. Well done.
October 17, 2011 at 7:27 pm
I totally took part in this from the start- except I left out one vital piece… my item wasn’t horrendously overpriced! DAMMIT! I failed.
But I’ve loved this angel thing since the first time I saw it.
October 17, 2011 at 7:28 pm
i can’t believe the chicken didn’t handpick this gem at the same time – Lady in the Tower’s Stone, Iron and Bark Tabletop Collage
October 17, 2011 at 7:41 pm
Oh my god that one’s description is beautiful. LadyintheTower, I bow to your superior bullshittery skills.
October 17, 2011 at 8:17 pm
“Use them in your own creations or simply display them on a desk, table or windowsill for contemplation”
*tear* that’s so beautiful. When someone buys it tell them you added mystical wind from a moonlight night as a bonus.
October 17, 2011 at 8:47 pm
The tag “warm, golden yellow” also describes what almost happened in my pants when I read it.
October 18, 2011 at 5:42 am
Not the same seller, but I loved the description on this one with the cf4l tag:
http://www.etsy.com/listing/65600549/rubbed-black-celtic-cross?ref=sr_list_27&ga_search_submit=&ga_search_query=cf4l&ga_view_type=list&ga_ship_to=US&ga_search_type=handmade&ga_facet=handmade
October 17, 2011 at 8:20 pm
That’s amazing. I don’t think it’s grossly overpriced, though, that’s why it didn’t make the front page. She should have put it down for $100.
October 28, 2011 at 6:27 am
Ha, only just seen this and wondered why we had so many views! Raising the price now…
October 17, 2011 at 8:28 pm
The collage was my first attempt at the challenge. I didn’t come up with the angel until I slept on it and came back the next morning.
October 17, 2011 at 7:31 pm
So…is there a rule that states we shouldn’t continue to create fuckery? Because I can unpack my glue gun in like, ten seconds.
October 17, 2011 at 8:34 pm
There is no rule against everlasting fuckery.
In other news, I just bought my first glue gun today, and a whole lotta glitter. I now have sparkly burned fingers and wads of glue stuck to absolutely everything. It was a good day.
October 17, 2011 at 7:36 pm
My husband just said to me, after seeing this, ‘In a way, Etsy owes a lot to Regretsy because without it, sane Etsy sellers would go crack-ass insane from the surrounding stupidity.’
October 17, 2011 at 7:38 pm
Solid. Fucking. Gold.
October 17, 2011 at 7:40 pm
You almost can’t blame them, this is such a brilliant piece of fuckery!!
October 17, 2011 at 7:45 pm
And let’s not pretend we haven’t seen much, much worse on the front page.
October 17, 2011 at 7:47 pm
Love this! and I love that it was a fellow ohcanadateam member!
October 17, 2011 at 7:48 pm
While I was reading the first half of this post, I kept thinking of that line from How the Grinch Stole Christmas.
“He had a wonderful idea. He had a terrible idea. He had an terribly wonderful idea…”
October 17, 2011 at 8:36 pm
A marvelous line, particularly when he smiles his Grinchy smile!
October 17, 2011 at 9:03 pm
That’s pretty much exactly how I felt about the idea when it happened. I even did the evil smirk as I made a quick sketch of it before going back to bed.
October 17, 2011 at 9:48 pm
Did the corners of your mouth curl into spirals as an outline of where your heart should be appeared on your chest?
October 17, 2011 at 10:11 pm
And people say that the lady’s snark grew three sizes that day!
October 18, 2011 at 5:48 am
OT, but you have so many gorgeous masks in your shop. It makes me sad that I have glasses and can’t comfortably wear masks.
Well, I guess I could take my glasses off, but then I’d run into walls. Also, I could get contacts, but I’m a chemist and I have this fear of having to get contacts surgically removed. But your masks do tempt me.
October 18, 2011 at 8:24 am
I’ve had a lot of people tell me that they can’t take them off which is why I recently made a form that will let the masks be worn *over* glasses. So far, I only have two of that style finished but more are in process.
October 18, 2011 at 9:38 am
Wow. I’ve never heard of anything like that before. Cool!
October 18, 2011 at 5:59 pm
I saw that! People who can’t wear contacts are an untapped market for masks. I have one that I mostly wear on my head because of that, I carry a glasses case in my purse, and I pretty much only put the mask on for pictures. Its a whole deal. I’d probably own a dozen masks if I didn’t wear glasses.
October 17, 2011 at 7:51 pm
And to think, one of my friends posted about this dress, raving about it. http://www.etsy.com/listing/78720197/bow-dress?ref=v1_other_2
I may have to rethink my FB friends list.
October 17, 2011 at 8:07 pm
EW! I was thinking “hmm, yep, that’s a good parody” and then when I looked for the CF4L in the tags it wasn’t there! This one’s REAL?
October 17, 2011 at 9:12 pm
I looked for the CF4L as well.
Best part of the description is “Stitched here and there to give it volume.”
I showed it to my boyfriend and he said “so, it’s a bunch of cloth stapled together and called a dress? I think you’ve found your calling.” (I’ve just learned to sew and made my first Steampunk dress. And it’s MUCH better than that monstrosity.)
October 17, 2011 at 8:20 pm
I’d be raving too – a raving lunatic to put that thing on my body.
October 17, 2011 at 8:57 pm
Tagged as “steampunk”, natch…where’s the gold octopus??
October 17, 2011 at 9:05 pm
i actually love that dress and would totally wear it. i like style like that, the kind that looks like you rolled out of a scrap fabric pile and are probably hung over, so don’t bother talking to me
not for more than $50 though. anything more than that and bitches be crazy.
October 17, 2011 at 9:49 pm
Helena Bonham Carter would totally rock this.
October 18, 2011 at 4:02 pm
But Helena Bonham Carter could rock anything.
October 18, 2011 at 5:49 am
Maybe for halloween? When you’re going as a hobo steampunk zombie?
October 17, 2011 at 7:51 pm
I love the photographic print of Iron Angel that is being sold http://www.etsy.com/listing/79311163/fine-art-photograph-8×8-iron-angel but what I love MORE is that the seller says this in the listing: The image size is 8” by 8” and comes on a sheet of 8 ½” by11” archival quality photo paper. (if you want the paper trimmed to an even amount of white all around before it ships, please leave me a note in the “message to seller” field and I’ll cut it down for you). Just in case someone leaves a neutral.
October 17, 2011 at 7:52 pm
ok, well the “just in case someone leaves a neutral” was not supposed to be in bold. Ahh well, I am old and HTML tags are not my forte.
October 17, 2011 at 9:02 pm
For me, that was the best part!
October 17, 2011 at 8:19 pm
No, no! I’ve asked professionals and they say don’t archival fuckery. And don’t you DARE tell me otherwise or I’ll report you to Etsy and the FBI for harassment.
October 17, 2011 at 9:01 pm
Just in case someone leaves a neutral.
LOLing all over the place.
October 17, 2011 at 10:12 pm
Well if they do, they damn well better clean it up!
October 18, 2011 at 9:12 am
I think I just shed a tear, that was so funny!!!!
October 19, 2011 at 11:06 am
I think you mean a “nuetral.”
October 17, 2011 at 7:53 pm
I’m going to Hand Forage under the couch cushions to see if I can find some old cereal, Legos, and Dust Bunnies to make something approaching this much Awesome.
October 17, 2011 at 7:54 pm
Fa lalalalala lalala lalala
Fa lalalalala LA!
This is a day of independence
For all the munchkins and their descendants!
I have no idea why, but this song from the Wiz of Oz seems oddly appropriate and it’s now my earworm.
October 17, 2011 at 7:57 pm
My favourite tag is “soft and dreamy”. I’m gonna use that to describe everything from now on.
October 17, 2011 at 8:59 pm
hahahahahahahahahaha!!!! I may have to follow suit…maybe on just one item though.
October 17, 2011 at 11:40 pm
Everything??? Some things are preferred un-soft, kthanks.
October 18, 2011 at 9:50 am
Long and hard and dreamy?
October 18, 2011 at 3:49 pm
Everything gets soft in the end.
Wait. Let me rephrase that.
October 18, 2011 at 10:18 pm
I see what you did there.
October 17, 2011 at 7:57 pm
Sooooo fucking awesome!!! I have to admit that I also wet my pants little! Bhahahahaha
October 17, 2011 at 7:58 pm
It’s weird that I fully expect someone on Etsy to buuy that, isn’t it?
Also, can someone tell me why my brain keeps wanting to read the word “poojah” all over this post and the comments? It’s weirding me out!
October 17, 2011 at 8:09 pm
No, you’re ok; they’ve bought similar things, and much worse! But in this case it was one of us that bought it. Ironically. HIPSTER ALERT!
October 17, 2011 at 7:59 pm
The only thing missing is the “steampunk” tag.
October 17, 2011 at 8:17 pm
Give the next angel a gear halo.
October 17, 2011 at 8:25 pm
Well, I suppose it wouldn’t need a gear halo in the Etsy-world of steampunk…
October 18, 2011 at 4:27 am
It has metal on it and it’s old. Ergo, it’s Etsy-steampunk.
October 17, 2011 at 8:00 pm
I cant believe i wasn’t paying attention and didn’t participate!
totally crying glitter tears here. I love this.
October 17, 2011 at 9:10 pm
That sounds painful. You might want to get that checked out. They say glitter is the herpes of craft supplies, you know. You should inform your next sexual partner(s) about this.
October 17, 2011 at 8:05 pm
I am beginning to question my sanity. I think this is awesome.
You know, fifty cent awesome. But still
This is about the third item in a week I’ve thought was awesome that was shared here.
I shall be calling my doctor for an increase in medications post haste.
October 17, 2011 at 8:06 pm
Ok so I went to the treasury and read the cupcake comments. One of the cupcakes says the treasury is evocative of “moody Parisian evenings”.
I went to Paris in May. I didn’t have a single moody evening. The evenings were in fact quite mentally balanced, not once did an evening slam a door and demand a Xanax… I’m not sure which Paris that cupcake went to.
October 17, 2011 at 8:33 pm
On page two, the Regretsians invade.
October 17, 2011 at 9:11 pm
Just ask for the “fooey-grass” and you’ll see a moody Paris.
October 17, 2011 at 8:09 pm
So much great vocabulary “object d’fart” “fire of fuckery.” My speech has gotten so much more colorful since joining Regretsy!
October 17, 2011 at 9:12 pm
What color is profanity, anyway?
October 17, 2011 at 9:35 pm
blue
October 17, 2011 at 10:15 pm
Oh, I had profanity down, but twatwaffle, fuctard, and douchecanoe – those are just inspired and creative.
October 18, 2011 at 9:51 am
Don’t forget glittercunt.
October 18, 2011 at 10:54 pm
Thank you – I owe it all to Regretsy.
October 17, 2011 at 8:12 pm
Old piece of wire $0
copper wire remnant $0
Rusty nail angel $12
Hospital bill for tetanus – priceless (or is it lifeless?)
October 17, 2011 at 9:09 pm
One of my fellow CF4Lers, when we first listed them, gave it the sweetest compliment. “That is the prettiest thing I’ve ever seen that could give me tetanus.” I tell you, it brought a tear to my eye…
October 17, 2011 at 10:17 pm
Not only does Regretsy inspire creative profanity, but poetry as well. Such a multipurpose site!
October 17, 2011 at 11:06 pm
This makes me want to make a Wes Bentley-esque speech.
October 17, 2011 at 8:13 pm
Can I can dog shit in tiny little jars with some fancy label slapped on it and call it “up-cycled caviar”?
October 17, 2011 at 8:30 pm
Do you feed your dog caviar?
October 17, 2011 at 9:07 pm
No, I don’t, but I have a joke with my husband about how some people would eat dog shit and think it was caviar if it was served over cracked ice with a little mother of pearl spoon.
October 17, 2011 at 11:33 pm
You’re probably right. There are plenty of fuckwits out there in the world…
One time (when I was 5 and my sister was 7) we tried (well *she* tried, I was the nice one who stopped this from happening) to convince some little girl in our neighborhood that some random pile of dog shit was gourmet chocolate. My sister picked it up from a neighbor’s yard, totally carried that shit on a napkin, and held it out to this poor girl, convincing her it was delicious. Right as she was about to put her face into it, I stopped the poor little girl, she was probably only 3 or 4 years old. My sister was kind of ticked at me… but I couldn’t let that happen.
Mother of pearl spoon, now that’s an awesome thought. Someone should totally craft one. You know, a lot of dogs eat dog shit. I wonder if to them it really IS like up-cycled caviar…
October 18, 2011 at 5:52 am
My grandfather and his brother peed in a jar and left it on someone’s door with a note saying it was shampoo. The girl used the bottle up and complained that she couldn’t find any shampoo that worked that well.
My grandpa died before I was born, but his sister used to tell this story and giggle. I would end up making this face D:
October 17, 2011 at 8:52 pm
Real tears over the fact amazeballs had to specify that there was not real sperm in the spunk bubble ball…
October 17, 2011 at 8:54 pm
October 17, 2011 at 11:36 pm
What’s for lunch?
October 18, 2011 at 9:05 am
Spam casserole with a whiskey chaser.
October 18, 2011 at 10:32 pm
*rubs belly and pats head in synchronicity* mmmmmMMmmmmm
October 17, 2011 at 9:16 pm
I WILL DONATE $5 in your name to the latest April’s Army project if you do this fuckery for me:
I don’t have Photoshop. Could someone please Photoshop that rusty nail into this poster. And if you can change the title to something like “Rusty Upcycled Nails in America” I would love you so dearly.
I WILL DONATE $10 is you add even more fuckery to make me laugh (i.e. a placental stain on the mattress or whatever strikes your twisted fancy.)
October 17, 2011 at 9:30 pm
Okay. We can do this. We need an eagle, animated sparkles, an “upcycled” piece of crap, and a sexytime costume disturbing enough to give George Romero nightmares.
October 17, 2011 at 9:42 pm
No no, you need enough sexy funtimes kink ot make John Waters queasy. Then it will have reached perfection.
October 17, 2011 at 9:44 pm
My apologies. I’m out-of-touch with the sexytimes. It’s been a few years.
October 17, 2011 at 9:51 pm
From what I know of John Waters, the most horrifying thing you could show him is a heterosexual couple having sex in the missionary position.
“I mean, where’s the art in that?!”
October 17, 2011 at 9:32 pm
Oh my god, that would be beautiful!
October 17, 2011 at 9:51 pm
I made two other nail angels at the same time I did this one, but never listed them. (really, it felt like overkill) I took some photos of one that were against a window with sun behind and the shape is closer to the angel in the poster. I’ll see if I still have the files and post it in the morning. (I just want to help the fuckery along)
October 18, 2011 at 7:33 am
Here’s the photo of one of the other angels. It might be a better match to the poster. Do with what you will!
October 18, 2011 at 11:16 am
I’ve got your revised poster available, can someone talk me through how to post a photo again? I’d love to have you donate that $5 to April’s Army!
October 18, 2011 at 3:40 pm
If your poster is already posted to a web site, you can use the HTML crib sheet at the bottom. I find it’s best when you have the URL with an “jpg” at teh end of the URL.
Your coding should be
(I’m going to spell it out cause if I type the actual symbols it will try to code it and I’ll get a little blue question mark box and that won’t help you)
Left arrow key “”.
That will place your poster image into your comment box.
October 18, 2011 at 3:42 pm
crap….
let me try that again, it coded it!
left arrow key, then type “img” then a space then type src followed immediately by an equal sign, then a double quote, followed by the URL then type another double quote followed by the right arrow key.
October 26, 2011 at 12:37 am
I’m still waiting for my Rusty Angel Nails in America poster. I’m waiting to donate my $5.
October 17, 2011 at 9:42 pm
The scupley spam casserole is made. I just have to bake it, which well have to wait for the morning as I don’t trust my self with a stove right now.
The big question is now, should it be an ornament? OR I make more fuckery and hot clue the bitches to a hair clip.
October 17, 2011 at 9:52 pm
I was shocked to discover that there is more than one Etsy team devoted to making minature food.
The captain of one, who’s also on our Etsy team, has a little TV dinner for $30. I would love to see a pair of those as cufflinks, but I don’t know if I could justify paying $60+ for them.
October 17, 2011 at 9:58 pm
I’ve just started myself. I’m kinda terrible at it, so, It’ll be a while before I sell anything. .3. This spam casserole well be my first that I’ve actually finished.
October 17, 2011 at 10:02 pm
Hair clip. The only worse than hair in your Spam is Spam in your hair.
October 17, 2011 at 10:19 pm
I bet the sculpey one would taste better than the actual spam.
October 17, 2011 at 10:03 pm
The seller should add a PDF of the pattern/instructions with which s/he used to make this wondrous piece of fart to their store. It would be a fuckery within a fuckery.
October 17, 2011 at 10:04 pm
Another seller in that treasury probably has no idea what kind of fuckery she is really selling.
October 18, 2011 at 6:45 am
The Shocker!
I can’t stand that guy, but The Shocker will long outlive him
October 17, 2011 at 10:05 pm
The only thing that could make this day any better is a bunch of hot topless guys:
Make sure to watch all the way through…
October 17, 2011 at 11:24 pm
On an unrelated note- I love your shop! I foresee purchases in my future.
October 17, 2011 at 10:07 pm
That’s weird. The preview showed the clip…
October 17, 2011 at 10:07 pm
Oh hell. Do it yourself.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VsyE2rCW71o&feature=player_embedded
October 18, 2011 at 6:48 am
HK premiered that the one day last week
October 17, 2011 at 11:16 pm
i love that the seller captured the classism innate in so much of etsy’s featured. i dont think they even notice their bias toward young upper-middle class white couples w/ bachelors degrees– but i notice it every time.
i am nothing like their shabby chicsters, nothing, but, oddly enough, i once in awhile make etsy front page {probably cos i’m a photographer/graphic designer & my stuff looks good} so i cant bring myself to publicly dissect for yr reading pleasure the precise etsy protoperson. but it’s clear & feather angel, up there, really got it.
October 17, 2011 at 11:52 pm
This is my fav CF4L tagged item so far
October 18, 2011 at 5:54 am
You know, I’m not a My Little Pony fan, well not the new show. The original one rocked. But I really like her shop. And I kinda want a pony now.
October 19, 2011 at 11:16 am
I loved the original. I had many My Little Ponies. I don’t remember which ones, and I don’t know where they are now. I’m not a fan of anything “redone” from the 80′s, because it’s like taking special things from my childhood and fucking it up to make it hip and modern.
The April pony, though, is just plain AWESOME.
October 18, 2011 at 9:49 am
Magnificence. Pure magnificence.
October 18, 2011 at 2:38 pm
OMG I want this.
October 18, 2011 at 3:13 pm
“My Little Fuckery”!
October 18, 2011 at 11:11 pm
Shit, I never liked My Little Pony, yet I may need to get this and turn it into an ornament for my fucked up Christmas tree.
October 18, 2011 at 1:44 am
I’m speechless and almost shedding tears. Warm congratulations, ladyinthetowers.
Ok, now, who bought this?
October 18, 2011 at 1:46 am
Aha, see comment #9.
October 18, 2011 at 3:21 am
Every time I laugh, my chest rattles.
But damn. This was so worth it.
October 18, 2011 at 6:42 am
I didn’t know about this challenge, but saw the iron angel on Etsy’s front page, and I have to say that I am so relieved to discover it was a joke. I hate to admit it, but I was a little furious that something like that received so much attention when I can’t even get my own friends to like my Facebook fan page! I started thinking about all the shit I’ve been digging up in my own yard and thought maybe I’d make a set of vintage hors d’ oeuvres plates out of scraps of chipped linoleum. Thank god I didn’t do it LOL. Wait. Can you run this challenge again??
Best wishes ladyinthetowers
October 18, 2011 at 9:37 am
shit, i need to find me some distressed wood to photograph my jewelry on so people on etsy will pay more for it. lol. tho i wouldn’t be lying when i say the beads are vintage since my grandmother gave them to me.
October 18, 2011 at 10:15 am
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
October 18, 2011 at 10:23 am
Further to having just discovered this site, what does CF4l mean? I searched, but certainly I am being very obtuse.
October 18, 2011 at 12:54 pm
AnnaZed, set aside some time for this: http://cf4l.regretsy.com/category/club-fuckery/
yes, there’s a password, but you already know what it is.
October 18, 2011 at 2:43 pm
I can’t believe I didn’t notice that rusty nail. The angel of tetanus! I was distracted by the sexy $60(+$29 shipping) plank with rusty coathooks (see below.). And the one the other day where every item had “rustic” in the title. Some days I can’t bear to look at the front page, but I have a store…
October 18, 2011 at 5:26 pm
I’m going to have to pay more attention to the 5h17 i see on the ground at jobsites…
I’ve walked past a fortune in antique nails and copper wire bits…
I’m sorry if that’s already been said, I’ve read most of the posts, but ADD can be a bit SQUIRREL!!!
October 18, 2011 at 10:36 pm
This is the funniest shit I have ever seen. And that includes the time I ran across Bill Shatner’s photoshopped endorsement of Dr. Jill’s Footpads.
October 19, 2011 at 4:45 am
What, no steampunk tag??
October 19, 2011 at 7:35 am
Lookie what I found http://www.etsy.com/listing/80224045/cf4l-unisex-computer-bracelet-anklet?ref=sr_gallery_19&ga_search_query=whimsicle&ga_page=3&ga_search_type=all&ga_facet=
October 19, 2011 at 1:11 pm
Oh, Jesus, fire up the glue guns kids, Momma’s heading for the front page with shit glued to other shit. And you have no idea how many rusty nails, bolts, washers and other useless crap I have in my house…screw working on finding beautiful vintage items, I’m going for rusty garbage y’all!
Just think, I could be on the front page too! It gives the rest of us hope…
October 19, 2011 at 5:27 pm
i know it’s fuckery, but damn i think the nail angel thing is pretty!
October 20, 2011 at 9:44 am
http://www.etsy.com/listing/76059582/time-is-the-key-tempus-fugit-time-flies
Ok, here is my complete and utter bullshit bobby pin art set. God, please let it make it to the front page!
October 21, 2011 at 2:48 am
ahahahahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! om dyyying.
dead now.
October 22, 2011 at 7:30 pm
Hell yes! And they’re from Stratford, too? Only a hop skip and a jump from where I am living. I’m gunna get my hands on this baby first, bitches…