THIS IS THE BEST CHRISTMAS EVER
As you know, we recently funded a book project on Kickstarter that is now in the process of completion. To get you bastards excited about the whole thing, we had a number of limited rewards made up, and we offered them as part of our fundraising.
While this did put us over the top, it also frustrated a lot of you. Kickstarter doesn’t accept Paypal because, well, they’re fuckers. And many of you don’t have credit cards because well, you’re deadbeats. It’s a sad combination.
The good news is that I have a few rewards left over, and I’m making them available here for your impulse buying pleasure.
All this crap is guaranteed for holiday delivery, and most of it will be ready to ship much sooner. The flasks for example, are already on their way to my P.O. Box, the pill organizers will be here on the 19th and the Regretsy holiday cards arrived a few minutes ago. And let me tell you, they are magical. Just about everyone on your list will be offended by these, so it’s a great investment.
But the really good news is this: We were able to upgrade the books from plastic binding to professional bookbinding. These will be real books, and you can put one in your book case or hold it while you drink brandy or some shit. They’re going to look that good. The only thing that will not be very good quality is the book itself, but that can’t be a surprise at this point.
Please note: I’m not able to calculate shipping on multiple purchases without looking at each individual order, so if you buy more than one thing and I can combine shipping for you, let me know in your payment instructions. I’ll be happy to refund the overage.
Some of these things are already just about gone, so if you desire any of this crapulence, act fast.
Thanks for looking!
Regretsy’s Big Book of Fabricated Folk Tales from Finland
e-Book (pdf) sent to any email address: $5
Regretsy’s Big Book of Fabricated Folk Tales from Finland
Printed and professionally bound
$20.00 (includes domestic shipping)
$25.00 (includes international shipping)
SOLD OUT
Signed Holiday Card
- Artist’s rendering; card will be slightly different but just as tasteless
The official Regretsy winter holiday card, signed and personalized by Helen Killer and Bronc Drywall, mailed to the person of your choosing (domestic and international shipping included). We’ll also include some bonus stickers! It’s the perfect way to say, “I care about you, but not that much.”
$6 (worldwide shipping included)
SOLD OUT
Regretsy “WTF” Pill Organizers
- Artist’s rendering; actual organizer probably won’t have pills in it
A customized Regretsy WTF weekly pill organizer, so you can keep your Xanax from falling out onto the floor when you hit the brakes at the liquor store.
Buy one, get a second for only $3!
One organizer with domestic shipping: $7
Two organizers with domestic shipping: $10
One organizer with international shipping: $12
Two organizers with international shipping: $15
PERKELE! Merit Badge by Robert Marbury
A dazzling display of ignorance, coupled with a colorful Finnish swear word. Sew one on your coat and see how long it takes a drunken Finn to take a swing at you.
With domestic shipping: $12.00
With international shipping: $15.00
Regretsy Hellephant USB stick
A 3-dimensional cut out Hellephant with 1 Gig of memory
Because the Hellephant never forgets
One drive (domestic shipping): $17.00
Two drives (domestic shipping): $25.00
One drive (international shipping): $20.00
Two drives (international shipping): $28.00
Regretsy Stainless Steel Flask
Comes with a clip on carrying case, so it’s perfect for bus drivers and nursing mothers
With domestic shipping: $31.00
With international shipping: $36.00
Handmade Art Book by BANDmade Books
Book cover made with handmade art paper, using fibers from two special sources:
1. My Dog caftan
2. A futon donated by the bass player from the band CAKE
Ensuring that every moment of reading is infused with anonymous sexual encounters and the ugliest garment ever made
With domestic shipping: $55
With international shipping: $60
October 12, 2011 at 7:20 pm
I am having deja vous. But in a good way.
October 12, 2011 at 7:31 pm
You know I was going to say “this is Déjà Vu all over again” but that would be redundant, wouldn’t it
(I just said it, didn’t I?)
October 12, 2011 at 7:33 pm
I like deja vous. It is so inclusive.
October 12, 2011 at 7:33 pm
You don’t see monkeys on treadmills doing the electric slide? I may be hallucinating.
October 12, 2011 at 7:23 pm
Question about the flasks: are there any kinds of engravings on them, or on the case?
Additional question about the flasks: will they come pre-filled with holiday cheer? (read: vodka?)
October 12, 2011 at 7:26 pm
Spam Energy Drink.
October 12, 2011 at 7:28 pm
I am not kidding
http://www.edjunkie.com/reviews/spam.html
October 12, 2011 at 10:17 pm
I’m good for anything that will increase my Spam count.
October 12, 2011 at 7:35 pm
October 12, 2011 at 8:21 pm
OMG where did you find my drunk uncle? We’ve been looking everywhere for him since LAST Christmas.
We couldn’t locate him, might be cuz he’s Jewish.
October 13, 2011 at 7:51 am
This picture reminds me of SantaCon. Drunk Santas rampaging through the city streets on the worlds most disturbing bar crawl.
October 13, 2011 at 9:12 am
As a recovering Santa Phobic, I have to say that I do not like you. I did not need to know that there was such a thing as SantaCon. I’m probably going to have nightmares about murderous drunken Santas chasing me and stealing all my toys.
October 14, 2011 at 9:50 am
we have a santa crawl here in Reno that gets completely out of hand…World Record Style….and it’s usually a balmy 20 degrees downtown…
Here’s the midnight gathering to sing carols under the arch:
October 12, 2011 at 7:37 pm
Since we’re asking questions about the flask, I’d like to know how much holiday cheer it holds.
October 12, 2011 at 7:55 pm
6 oz flask, emblazoned with the Regretsy logo. Or etched or something.
October 12, 2011 at 8:11 pm
You’re gonna need more digits than that if you expect its contents to suffice.
October 12, 2011 at 8:15 pm
Maybe I should invest in a CamelBak for my alcohol enjoyment…
October 12, 2011 at 10:09 pm
Pretty sure you are allowed to buy more than one!
October 12, 2011 at 7:55 pm
And I want to know if it comes with a funnel for refilling the holiday cheer.
October 12, 2011 at 8:01 pm
Love your screen name! Gelatinous is a favorite word of mine.
October 12, 2011 at 7:27 pm
GOD DAMMIT I ONLY HAVE $5 IN MY PAYPAL. FUCK. And all I need is $20 for a book.
Someone want to go buy something from my Etsy store so I can get this goddamned book?
October 12, 2011 at 7:34 pm
I can’t afford the book (’cause I got in a little bit of trouble for “blowing our money on whatever Regretsy Tarot Cards are… IS THIS GOATSE!?”) but you sucker-punched me with the pill box. If my marriage falls apart because of this, I can live with that.
October 12, 2011 at 7:41 pm
I checked out your shop, CCL – cool vintage (in the non-cupcake sense) glass and stoneware/ceramic stuff. If I could hop in my DeLorean and fast forward to when I’m not fighting pack rat tendencies, I would buy at least the bear cookie jar!
October 12, 2011 at 7:47 pm
I’m a milkglass whore so I was going to buy something, but I checked and I already own all of those pieces. Damn. You and I could have been very happy tonight if I didn’t already own those damn plates and cups!
October 12, 2011 at 11:40 pm
Ok Crazy.Cat.Lady, because I am part Finnish and want everyone to have the opportunity to read of all things fabricated Finnish (especially the *real* book variety), I went and bought the wood tray from your shop. Unfortunately, that’s all I have the cash & hoarder room space I have available.
October 13, 2011 at 11:05 am
You are a queen amongst serfs m’lady. May my little book shelf bring you joy and a small amount of organization.
October 13, 2011 at 7:32 am
Done and done. My wife is a huge Alice fan, so good find. However, she has been threatening me over my recent Regretsy related spree. So I suspect I’m going to get killed and sexy time. You are responsible for my sexy, sexy death. And for that, we thank you.
October 13, 2011 at 11:04 am
I was having a rough week. Then I saw your purchases this morning and for reals shed a tear. My life is complete and the Big Book of Fabricated Folk Tales from Finland has been safely purchased. bezron and Suzabell, you are both my heros. I shed glitter tears of appreciation for your generosity. Fat jealous lazy losers, y’all never cease to amaze me.
October 13, 2011 at 1:46 pm
Careful with the glitter tears, they are the herpes of the copyright infringement world.
Care to test it??
October 13, 2011 at 11:07 am
Also, the book you bought is freaking amazing. I think when she sees what you got her, sexy time will return. If not, let me know and I will write a personal letter to her tear marks included telling her of my sad sob story and how her husband helped save the day. Chicks dig heros.
October 13, 2011 at 1:51 pm
You keep putting cool stuff up in your shop, and I’ll keep selling plasma to buy it. Deal?
I was, however, sorely disappointed by the distinct lack of steampunk octopi. I’ll have to go elsewhere for my non-steampunk steampunk needs
October 13, 2011 at 4:36 pm
I wish I could help, but I’m begging people to buy shit from me so I can get the PERKELE patch.
October 12, 2011 at 7:27 pm
♪♪ Simply having a drunken regretsy time!♪♪
October 12, 2011 at 7:35 pm
I liked you for your name. I love you for singing fuckery to a Paul McCartney tune.
October 12, 2011 at 8:21 pm
Thanks! Just for you:
♫The booze is right
The reseller’s shop is up
We’re bitchy tonight
And that’s enough
Simply having a drunken regretsy time
Simply having a drunken regretsy time
The pretention’s on
The feelin’s here
That *unique* vintage steampunk octopus brooch only looks…Well kinda queer
Simply having a drunken regretsy time
Simply having a drunken regretsy time
The choir of flouncers sing their song
Ding dong, ding dong
Ding dong, ding.
October 12, 2011 at 8:21 pm
Simply having a drunken regretsy time
Simply having a drunken regretsy time
The word is out
About the town
To lift a glass
Ah, don’t throw up.
Simply having a drunken regretsy time
Simply having a drunken regretsy time
The choir of floucers sing their song
They’ve had cryabeetus all year long
Ding dong, ding dong
Ding dong, ding dong
Ding dong, ding dong
The ear’s been found
By the goatse mug
We’re here tonight
can I get a “say what?”
Simply having a drunken regretsy time!♫
I’d add more but, you know, character limitations..
October 13, 2011 at 11:12 am
I don’t care what anyone else says, that was genius.
October 13, 2011 at 9:15 am
That tune is evil. All words set to that tune are evil.
*glare*
(It’s worse than the song that doesn’t end.)
October 13, 2011 at 9:43 am
I’m with you. That song makes me lunge for the radio’s tuning dial. A cousin sang it to her infant daughter when the song came out, so I’ve been cringing with bad memories for that long.
*shudder*
October 12, 2011 at 7:28 pm
In my wine-soaked haze I thought the thumbnail of Santa was Dror … Maybe he’s your Best Chanukah Ever offering?
October 12, 2011 at 7:36 pm
I just ordered two pill organizers – one to use and one for backup, when I lose the first one. I love Regretsy for putting the WTF in my daily pharmaceuticals!
October 12, 2011 at 7:42 pm
i ordered a card for myself haha. though i think i bought one earlier with my book…hmm. good thing is i’ll feel twice as special! yay!
October 12, 2011 at 7:42 pm
Oh lord please don’t sell out of the books before next week!
October 12, 2011 at 7:47 pm
The bass player from CAKE?
I think I just peed my pants a little… you are my idol.
October 12, 2011 at 7:48 pm
HOLD IT!!! I thought there was going to be buttons??? In Oz, Badges? I think you’re holding out of us and hoarding them all yourself!!!
October 12, 2011 at 7:53 pm
No, those are all sold out. SAD EMOTICON
October 12, 2011 at 8:02 pm
Sad Emoticon is my Favorite Hipster band!
October 12, 2011 at 8:12 pm
SUPER SAD SAD DAY for badge hoarding regretsians everywhere =(((((
October 12, 2011 at 8:24 pm
Oh no, there are still some badges. The pins are sold out.
October 12, 2011 at 7:51 pm
I’d backed the project on Kickstarter but my credit card was maxed out so it was cancelled by Amazon payments.
I’d managed to (sort of) resign myself to the fact I would have to live without Finnish Fairytale fuckery and a Regretsy flask.
Now I don’t have to!
I fucking love you HKApril
You’ve made my year, not just my Xmas
October 12, 2011 at 7:57 pm
I just ordered a card for the Prime Minister of Canada.
It makes me giggle like a maniacal hobo at the thought of one of his aides putting it on the wall with all the others.
October 12, 2011 at 7:58 pm
That was the best money I couldn’t afford to spend. EVER.
October 12, 2011 at 8:02 pm
I think you’re awesome for doing that.
October 12, 2011 at 8:37 pm
Thank you. I am probably biased, but I agree.
October 12, 2011 at 8:01 pm
Maybe Rick Perry would like one.
October 12, 2011 at 9:29 pm
Signed by Mitt Romney.
October 12, 2011 at 10:06 pm
Kissed by Sarah *Wink* Palin
October 13, 2011 at 1:58 pm
What shape are pig-lips, anyway?
October 13, 2011 at 9:10 am
That is unbelievable genius. I only wish I were there to see Stevie’s face when he gets it.
October 12, 2011 at 8:01 pm
UNLIKE. Not having a credit card is the sign of being a responsible adult and living within your means. Dave Ramsey taught me that in the name of Jesus.
October 13, 2011 at 7:25 am
I listened to him once. Then I decided if I wanted a high income but live in my parents’ basement and have nothing to show for it I would have gone into IT.
October 13, 2011 at 9:08 am
…Hey, some of us IT folk have our own houses! But I thumbed up your comment anyway, because there are basement dwellers among us, I won’t deny it.
October 13, 2011 at 9:22 am
I thumbed up your comment because, while I resent the implication that basements or IT are necessary to achieve a stable long-term living arrangement with your parents (we share an apartment!), and I love Jesus, I also hate Dave Ramsey.
October 12, 2011 at 8:01 pm
Because I made a pledge, I just filled out the Kickstarter form with all the info you need to send me the actual book. After I hit “done” a Kickstarter window came up, and at the top of the page it said:
“What is Kickstarter? We’re the largest fucking platform for creative projects in the world. Learn more!”
No it didn’t. On second read, it said “the largest *funding*platform…”
Just wanted to let you know that you’ve warped my mind and now I’m seeing things.
Thanks a fucking lot, Regretsy.
October 12, 2011 at 8:15 pm
I’ll just leave this magical Finnish instructional video on how to open a door right here.
I think my problem is I haven’t been approaching doors calmly enough.
October 12, 2011 at 8:16 pm
Blast, it worked in the preview.
October 12, 2011 at 8:18 pm
Sigh. Ok, just the link then.
http://youtu.be/Wof0xPUmW38
October 12, 2011 at 8:57 pm
Those directions don’t work at my house. I’m still stuck inside! Do you have directions for a door that has a round knob and opens toward me?
October 12, 2011 at 9:03 pm
That mustache is hot!!
October 13, 2011 at 9:21 am
It makes me happy to imagine that in Finland there are a lot of people who have problems opening doors.
October 12, 2011 at 8:45 pm
I have a paypal debit card. For all the places that don’t take paypal and, you know, the strip club.
October 12, 2011 at 8:55 pm
Question: the hand made art book description on the kickstarter page seems to indicate it was all handmade paper (i.e., the book would be printed on handmade paper). However, the description above seems to indicate it’s just the cover that will be handmade. Which is correct (or did the lucky fucks that got that reward during the funding effort get one version, and us sad losers buying it after the fact get another)?
This was the one reward I wanted to get during the drive,
October 12, 2011 at 9:00 pm
… Crap. It posted my comment before I was done. Anyway…
So, I really wanted this thing, couldn’t afford it, got something else, and now I’m ask excited in my girl parts to get the sooper speshul handmade book. Which I will probably get regardless of the answer, but I was curious about the different descriptions.
October 12, 2011 at 9:01 pm
Super big thanks for getting that effing song stuck in my head…. although I enjoyed the regretsy rendition. Now I’m going to have to get out of bed and break open the whipped cream vodka. I <3 the person that invented whip cream and vodka rolled into one delicious little nightcap. Only mine will be extra large to drown out that Paul McCartney bullshit.
October 12, 2011 at 9:46 pm
I cant believe that’s a real product. I need some. now.
October 13, 2011 at 9:15 am
Why must I live in such a godforsaken land as to not have whipped cream vodka?! Wtf. Sad.
October 12, 2011 at 9:37 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
October 12, 2011 at 10:22 pm
Maybe you should stick to wanking; less risk of passing along that genetic material you got there.
October 13, 2011 at 2:04 pm
In the immortal words of our great leader: “Fuck you, lady.”
October 12, 2011 at 10:30 pm
Deney Terrio is getting a SPECIAL Christmas present this year!
October 12, 2011 at 11:08 pm
The whipped cream vodka?? It’s the perfect thing to spike just about any drink! Rootbeer, orange soda, kool aid, hot chocolate. It’s good alllll by itself!
October 13, 2011 at 9:25 am
You put whipped cream in carbonated things? Does that work in Finland? Here they get briefly fizzy, then clotty and gross.
October 13, 2011 at 2:24 pm
Is it wrong that I feel way too excited over ordering two WTF pill boxes? Whatever, I’m happy.
October 13, 2011 at 6:37 pm
No, because I am equally excited over the same thing. Finally, a pill box that I’ll look forward to using!
October 15, 2011 at 4:17 pm
I actually had an anonymous sexual encounter with the guitarist from Cake.
October 26, 2011 at 8:34 am
Great, I bought the e-book and was too drunk to notice I need to type my e-mail. Derp.