Contest Winners and a Happy Ending
WARNING: If you are offended by bear-dolphin hybrids with huge spurting penises, bears with distended anuses, bears being raped by dolphins, aliens raping dolphins who are raping bears, or dolphins raping bears at the behest of aliens, this may not be the post for you.
In this post yesterday, I shared an unusual request from a reader:
My friend “A” is a social worker who works tirelessly to ensure that the needs of homeless individuals, youth, and families are met. She is also terrified of: 1) being raped by a dolphin, 2) getting eaten by a bear, and 3) getting abducted by aliens.
So for her birthday, I would like to bring her deepest nightmares to life by having them immortalized in Regretsy art.
If the Regretsy following would be so kind as to help me produce works representing her most deep seated fears, I will gladly donate $100 to the charity fund.
I offered to match her donation, so that her chosen winner would receive a $100 prize from me, and a $100 donation to their favorite charity by the author of the email.
Well, you came through in a big way, as you always do. Your responses were brilliant, disturbing, and brilliantly disturbing. It was very difficult to pick a winner, because as you all know, there are no winners on Regretsy.
However, A’s friend did choose a winning entry, and I will be sending the artist $100. In fact, everyone in this gallery will receive a fantastic prize of some kind, just as soon as I finish cleaning out the garage.
- Click on the thumbnails for a larger image and to leave a comment
THE WINNERS
The Happy Ending
I wanted to send you some wonderful photos of my friend’s horrified face as she opened her “birthday gift” at work this morning!
I wish you and all of the other Regretsy folks could have been here to watch her face as she gazed in horror at her computer screen.
It was hard to tell if she was hyperventilating from fear or from laughter. All in all, she says that this was the best worst birthday gift EVER!
P.S. Anne is going to take the winning picture with her to her next therapy session. Behold, the power of healing through crafts!
If you see your work in this gallery, please email me and I will arrange to send you a prize.
October 12, 2011 at 11:57 am
My favorite is the picture of the birthday girl covering up the screen.
October 12, 2011 at 12:07 pm
my favorite is the picture of Zack Morris in the background, if only he could have been incorporated.
October 12, 2011 at 12:44 pm
that was the picture that her last therapist helped her with right?
October 12, 2011 at 1:08 pm
Yes, just coming here to post the same thing! Zack Morris photo photobomb!
October 12, 2011 at 12:28 pm
how f-ing fabulous is it when club fuckery sends someone to therapy! I give this the epic two lithium/xanaxtinis with a twist thumbs up!
October 12, 2011 at 3:22 pm
I don’t know how April chose – these are all god-damned bloody awesome. I’m so proud of you people…
October 12, 2011 at 11:57 am
Is that a photo of Mark Paul Gosselaar on her pegboard next to her desk????
October 12, 2011 at 12:02 pm
Ah, Zach Morris, my first crush…
October 12, 2011 at 12:03 pm
It is. It really is.
You know what’s the only thing worse than having a photo of Mark Paul Gosselaar on the pegboard next to your desk?
When it’s the first thing you notice in a series of pictures of a woman with a handlebar moustache opening a picture of a dolpin rape and bear attack.
I’m guilty of that, and I’m glad you were too.
October 12, 2011 at 12:07 pm
Sadly, I can only thumbs-up this once.
October 12, 2011 at 12:08 pm
that was totally the first thing I noticed, only he will always be Zack Morris to me.
October 12, 2011 at 12:35 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
October 12, 2011 at 3:44 pm
I gave you a thumbs up. I hate Caruso and his self-confident, self-important, underacting ass.
October 12, 2011 at 11:58 am
Those are all.. wow! Anticipating the nightmares even now!
October 12, 2011 at 11:59 am
CF4L… I AM CALLING MY THERAPIST.
Somebody PLEASE get that whimsicle fuckery on a sampler NOW!
October 12, 2011 at 12:09 pm
I’d buy the print
October 12, 2011 at 12:15 pm
October 12, 2011 at 12:32 pm
What are you calling her? DOHOHOHO
>.>;
October 12, 2011 at 12:52 pm
you forget…dolphins are the-rapists of the sea…so she’s half way there….
October 12, 2011 at 1:40 pm
October 12, 2011 at 11:59 am
I’m cracking up just looking at the pictures of her “opening” her present.
CF4L indeed!!
Happy Birthday Dolphin/Bear/Alien lady! May it be filled with lots more Fuckery!
October 12, 2011 at 1:20 pm
Okay, so the reaction was…
-nervous anticipation
-moral discomfort
-nausea
-an attempt to wipe the slate clean
-making an appointment with a therapist
Sounds like my last date.
October 12, 2011 at 2:44 pm
Sounds like my first marriage.
October 12, 2011 at 5:05 pm
Sounds like my last bowel movement.
October 12, 2011 at 11:59 am
You guys are seriously warped individuals.
But I wouldn’t keep coming back to the site if it were any other way.
October 12, 2011 at 12:01 pm
Jesus that’s beautiful. The Erin could make a serious living illustrating our fears. I wonder what she would charge to draw me with a series of angry dwarfs giving me injections and touching my eyes.
October 12, 2011 at 12:15 pm
Agreed. A well-deserved win–congratulations are due to The Erin!
And I want to see that angry dwarfs thing happen. I mean the drawing, not for real.
October 12, 2011 at 12:25 pm
I don’t have enough money to commission this right now. Maybe if I sell some plasma.
Why wasn’t I born with MORE PLASMA?!?
October 12, 2011 at 12:35 pm
Thanks Rev! Holler at him if you like, he loves to do this shit
October 12, 2011 at 12:01 pm
I like the bottle of Jergens Healing Lotion in the background. Anne’s going to need all the healing she can get. Or a lot of lotion. One or the other.
October 12, 2011 at 12:01 pm
Okay I really want a print of the winning design.
That is just amazingly disturbing.
October 12, 2011 at 12:39 pm
I’ll see what I can do about having prints made, I’ve had a few requests and basically know nothing about papercraft.
October 12, 2011 at 12:43 pm
Oh please please do. I would be so very happy.
October 12, 2011 at 2:25 pm
I can recommend a really good glicee printing place (they’re based online); I just don’t know what their policy is regarding… um, erotica. Want me to check for you?
October 13, 2011 at 7:58 am
Scribble that’d be great! my email is emargaretross at yahoo
October 13, 2011 at 8:18 am
Will do! Let me just check with Sara and the crew…
October 12, 2011 at 3:02 pm
Count me among those who would totally buy one. It needs to be full size, though, so none of the amazing detail is lost.
October 12, 2011 at 12:03 pm
She looks so happy or terrified, it’s hard to tell without the audio track.
October 12, 2011 at 12:04 pm
It’s a good thing I had so much other shit to do yesterday. My meager attempt couldn’t have held a candle to some of these!
October 12, 2011 at 12:06 pm
This is hilarious.
Off topic: is there a reason the comments are all in flyspeck font size today?
October 12, 2011 at 12:13 pm
I was wondering the same thing. I thought I fat-fingered my keyboard and inadvertently zoomed out.
October 12, 2011 at 12:47 pm
I thought it might be the Cheeto dust I got in my eyes when finishing the bag
October 12, 2011 at 1:35 pm
BGS, I’ll let you in on a secret that I learned from Norm on “Cheers” and it has never failed me—take a bowl of Cheetos or just tear open the bag and use a spoon. Keeps the powder from being imbedded in your fingertips and being transferred to everything around you.
The only time I don’t follow this is when I’m eating a tiny “snack” (?) size bag, especially at work. Then I tear open the bag and push the little cheesy sticks of yumminess up to the top and pluck them out with my lips. Hard to explain a fluourescent-orange mouth to my coworkers, but better than a fluourescent-orange report to my boss.
October 12, 2011 at 3:52 pm
I also recommend pouring them into a cup and then “drinking” it. I do that with most snack foods that leave a residue.
October 12, 2011 at 4:03 pm
the other thing to use is chopsticks (assuming you can use chopsticks) — also works with Doritos and other powdery chip products
October 12, 2011 at 5:19 pm
This information is life-changing. I have always hated getting shit on my fingers.
October 12, 2011 at 6:50 pm
M2P…
Use more TP…
For “dirty” bite-sized snacks I tend to follow the chopstick suggestion.
I get funny looks eating microwave popcorn like that though.
October 12, 2011 at 12:23 pm
Thank you! I was afraid it was something I’d done on my monitor. I tried zooming, but that schmooshed everything together.
October 12, 2011 at 12:25 pm
I thought my eyes were protecting me…
October 12, 2011 at 12:47 pm
Aren’t they kind of late to the game? I mean, you were here yesterday, weren’t you?
October 12, 2011 at 1:01 pm
After today, I’m no longer weirded out by middle-aged women wearing crotchless panties and pantyhose. Somehow that now seems normal.
October 12, 2011 at 2:39 pm
I have a mirror – it is normal.
Of course, if you’d told me I’d say that 30 years ago, I would have asked you to just shoot me.
October 12, 2011 at 12:29 pm
I checked my zoom too, and it was fine. For a moment I thought maybe it was an Opera thing (I like this browser but it has quirks).
My guess would be some kind of unclosed tag in the post, maybe when trying to make small disclaimer text or something.
October 12, 2011 at 1:28 pm
Thanks for that!
October 13, 2011 at 8:15 am
The same thing happened to me with italics last week. I was accused of not “closing” them. I guess the board just has something funky going on where the text following some different formatting retains the same style.
October 13, 2011 at 8:21 am
Test
October 13, 2011 at 8:23 am
Gah! I tried to fix it, but no luck.
October 13, 2011 at 11:14 am
Yeah, I’ve tried that before and it doesn’t work. HK will have to go back to the original post and fix it there (pretty sure where that’s originated – she closed the italics but forgot to close the tiny font that she used at the very end).
October 12, 2011 at 12:06 pm
In that last picture…on the board behind her. Is that a photo of that blonde kid from Saved By The Bell?
October 12, 2011 at 12:08 pm
Those are all what April said. Disturbing, brilliant and brilliantly disturbing.
October 12, 2011 at 12:08 pm
hahahhaha I love her response!
October 12, 2011 at 12:09 pm
I’m here for the happy ending.
October 12, 2011 at 12:26 pm
Oh no, not HERE you’re not! So just take that towel of yours and skedaddle out of here!
*flouncey posturing and indignant sniffling*
October 12, 2011 at 1:11 pm
That’s why I came too.
I guess I should put my pants back on.
October 12, 2011 at 1:30 pm
*gazes appreciatively…eyes run slowly from head to…*
What’s the rush? Relax…take a deep breath…have a seat on my lap.
October 12, 2011 at 6:52 pm
Great.
For some reason your post made “Sit on my face” pop into my head. (though that *is* a good song to clear the room with after karaoke.
October 12, 2011 at 2:49 pm
If you came already, why the hell are you still in need of the happy ending??
Did you take Viagra? Has it been longer than four hours? Should we be calling a doctor?
October 12, 2011 at 4:58 pm
Only if you’ll be my doctor pagan chick
October 12, 2011 at 12:12 pm
You are some damn talented fuckers. Seriously, irreparably disturbed, but damn talented.
October 12, 2011 at 12:18 pm
I’ve seen enough hentai to know where this is going….
Actually, no, I haven’t seen any. I just thought it because of some of the alien tentacles.
October 12, 2011 at 12:27 pm
There is some truly amazing talent in this place. I’m a little worried about some of you, but well done nonetheless.
October 12, 2011 at 12:28 pm
Is the birthday girl aware that dolphins ejaculate at 65 mph? HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
October 12, 2011 at 3:54 pm
Is that speed in water or out of water?
October 12, 2011 at 7:00 pm
Is that the speed of the dolphin, or the ejaculate?
I just had a Back to the Future moment…
“when this baby hits sixty five miles per hour, your gonna see some serious shit. Watch this, watch this.”
October 12, 2011 at 12:29 pm
Anne is adorable with one helluva sexy mustache.
Happy Birthday!!
I would have picked the same entry…there were some truly amazing ones – all of them, in fact – but for me, that one was by far the best
Congrats, The Erin!
October 12, 2011 at 12:32 pm
Thanks G Val!
October 12, 2011 at 12:32 pm
Thank you thank you thank you! I can’t really take credit, my husband Morgan did most of the work. I handed him things while drinking wine and telling him how awesome he is.
Being unemployed, this is what Morgan does to help out with our Etsy batshittery. Shoot him a convo with some fuckery ideas and he’ll be all up in it! http://www.etsy.com/shop/Theerin
October 12, 2011 at 1:18 pm
CONGRATS BABY XD I was super hoping your hubby would win it, that is some serious amazing work.
October 12, 2011 at 1:57 pm
Koko, yours is my desktop image at work. CHEERS!
October 12, 2011 at 2:32 pm
Crap! I thumbed you down & not up! Sorry!
Anyway, your husband is the bomb. That entry was my favorite of the bunch (although there were some close runners-up!) Congrats to you and your hubby; I hope he gets a lot of business ot of this!
October 12, 2011 at 3:18 pm
As soon as we have spare cash, we want that Blink angel doodle- both of them, lol and hubby wants a Tardis sign.
AND we want the Blink angel shirts. Hee.
October 12, 2011 at 3:57 pm
I had a feeling your husband’s would win. Congratulations!
Also, the pic of you two with the sign is adorable.
October 12, 2011 at 12:33 pm
We should chip in and buy the birthday girl a voucher good for one swim with the dolphins in Jellystone National Park. Airfare included, but she’ll have to make a connection at Area 51.
October 12, 2011 at 12:34 pm
Well, congratulations. You have literally raped my dreams….
Because that goddamn dolphin raping that bear is going to fuck its way into my subconscious and be all up in my dreams tonight.
THANKS, REGRETSY!
October 12, 2011 at 12:48 pm
I love you HK and all of the Regretsy followers! I really needed a good laugh today!
October 12, 2011 at 12:55 pm
Triple phobias
Regretsy raped her nightmares
Take that, subconscious!
October 13, 2011 at 8:45 am
HAIKU!!!
Sorry… I’m just easily excited when I actually notice things like that.
October 12, 2011 at 1:03 pm
WAAAAA! I worked hard on my drawing! I’m gonna go cry into my pillow like the fat, ugly, jealous loser I am…
October 12, 2011 at 1:29 pm
Which one are you?
October 12, 2011 at 1:53 pm
The one with the a hand reaching out of the bear’s mouth while the bear is humped by a smiling dolphin. The lovely threesome are being pulled up into the air by a spaceship, while mountains, clouds, and the moon look on in horror and facination…
October 12, 2011 at 2:38 pm
Heh. I know the feeling-i put some effort into my second rendering too. But the way I look at it, this contest got me off my ass to actually draw and submit something, something years of therapy hasn’t done yet (or maybe it finally has…)
I’m pleased with my effort, even if it doesn’t hold a candle to some of the other really talented fucks that submitted. Sure I’m disappointed, but hey, life, yanno? I plan to finish to up this sketch into something presentable, and who knows what’ll happen after that?
October 12, 2011 at 2:52 pm
Be sure to list it on Etsy, with a price tag that’s nearly as obscene as the content
Apparently, it’s how you make it to the front page.
October 12, 2011 at 3:01 pm
I think there’s a market for the remaining pieces, judging by the comments on here yesterday. Your fuckery might end up in a loving (albeit very, very dysfunctional) home yet.
October 12, 2011 at 5:58 pm
If it wasn’t dysfunctional before that piece enters it, it certainly will be afterward.
October 13, 2011 at 11:18 am
Yes, DEFINITELY list it. Pretty sure someone here would buy it. I might if I actually had some money and didn’t have small children who would be traumatized by it.
October 12, 2011 at 1:04 pm
This post itself was an awesome birthday present for me! I would seriously injure someone for that sampler!
October 12, 2011 at 1:37 pm
It’s things like this that really make me miss the Alchemy Requests…
October 12, 2011 at 1:59 pm
I was thinking the same thing—and look how we all joined together and made the requestor’s dream of her friend’s nightmare come true! Sure, some of us just sat back and thumbed up the artwork that the others so painstakingly created, but we did it together.
We’re a team!
We’re the Regretsy Team!
AND THERE’S NO “I” IN “TEAM.”
(But there is a ME!)
October 12, 2011 at 3:45 pm
I’m always game to thumbs up someone with talent. Seeing’s how I have so little of my own.
October 12, 2011 at 3:08 pm
That’s what the iWANT section of the Regretsy Forums is for.
October 12, 2011 at 2:35 pm
No-one has mentioned that her right hand appears to be missing in some of the photos…
October 12, 2011 at 4:05 pm
He hand is behind her laptop. I promise you she is not an amputee. The bears haven’t gotten to eat it off yet.
October 12, 2011 at 3:48 pm
This is so fantastic! I love you pychos!
October 12, 2011 at 4:00 pm
This whole episode just proves everything the butthurtees think about Regretsy. We are (a) really unsupportive of other people’s creativity, because we (b) are incapable of making art or else WE’D UNDERSTAND HOW IT FEELS TO PUT YOURSELF OUT THERE.
Happy birthday Anne!
October 12, 2011 at 4:07 pm
This is K. I just wanted to say once again THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU! My words cannot express my gratitude or Anne’s horror. We love you all!
October 12, 2011 at 4:52 pm
can you make it on velvet like this?
October 12, 2011 at 6:00 pm
I find that more disturbing than the winning entry, which probably says something about me.
October 13, 2011 at 12:13 pm
At first glance, I thought: “Why is ‘W’ Bush wearing hipster glasses?”
This tiny text is screwing with my brain.
October 12, 2011 at 6:25 pm
Yeah, as soon as I saw the winning post, I knew it was the one to take home the money – that is on radically awesome picture. That contest was super fun! It’s the first time I participated in an art-related one, and I loved it!
October 12, 2011 at 9:47 pm
Oh!! I’m so happy that I finally accomplished something in a contest
BEST DAY EVER! And I had great fun painting it, too! And just so anyone knows, I do custom paintings, too (not very expensive). So if you want to surprise grandma with hardcore psychadelic watercolor erotica on her birthday. . . hit me up!
October 12, 2011 at 10:16 pm
“Some days the B’ar eats you, and some days a dolphin rapes the B’ar.”
October 13, 2011 at 5:13 am
i am a little late to the party, but still:
if you put the words dolphin sex book into amazon’s search engine {no quotation marks, amazon’s search engine still cannot handle them} –anyway, what i meant to say is i dont know why if you put the words dolphin sex book into amazon’s search engine you get this:
It’sASurprise
when you really should be getting this:
AFarFarBiggerBetter&WetterSurprise
October 13, 2011 at 8:01 am
JESUS CHRIST the first review for that second link had me rolling!