Manny, Moe and Crack
Let’s say your two greatest loves are cigars and car parts. I mean, they probably are anyway, so this should be an easy visualization.
And let’s say that one day, while you’re smoking a cigar and replacing your Framm air filter, you suddenly think, “Wow, this would be so much easier to smoke if I attached it to a distributor cap.”
I know, right? So much easier than say, picking it up with your fingers.
And as you’re sitting there, trying to smoke a cigar attached to a 10 pound distributor cap full of BBs, it hits you…
I am onto something.
DON’T FORGET THE LADIES
September 27, 2011 at 11:00 am
Was I the only one who thought “just make a giant-sized roach clip”? I don’t even smoke!
September 27, 2011 at 11:06 am
I guess buying a $5 scribe from a hardware store was too complicated.
September 27, 2011 at 11:07 am
That seems like the easiest solution, until you ask yourself the obvious question: How am I supposed to make a one of a kind giant roach clip out of car parts and bb’s?
And then you smoke your “cigar” a little more and realize you’re being very un-dude, and you fire up the etsy account and wait for the big bucks to start rolling in.
September 27, 2011 at 11:10 am
Gotta support the meth habit that spawned this monstrosity, I suppose.
September 27, 2011 at 11:15 am
September 27, 2011 at 11:27 am
Hey HKpril!!! Yoohoo!!! We need that Comment of the Day badge over here!!!
That is SO full of win.
September 27, 2011 at 11:41 am
If you join the ALLIANCE for the PROTECTION of INTERNET COPYRIGHTS, you can totally sue him when that item shows up in his shop later. That’s how copyright works, right?
September 27, 2011 at 12:59 pm
SO glad I’m not the only one who saw penises suffering from gangrene!
September 27, 2011 at 6:17 pm
The Dimmer switch looks like a penis … Or am I the only one?
September 28, 2011 at 7:55 am
Defintely not the only one!
September 27, 2011 at 1:28 pm
Sometimes a cigar really isn’t just a cigar.
September 27, 2011 at 11:19 am
Ya know why it’s called a roach clip? Because ‘pot holder’ was already taken! Hahaha….ha……..oh god I need a social life.
September 27, 2011 at 1:32 pm
I’m going to be blunt with you, I think that joke only gets high marks in certain joints. You need to weed out what doesn’t work…
(When you find that social life, can I borrow some?)
September 27, 2011 at 2:32 pm
The Nyquil I’m under the influence of saw what you did just there. But don’t tell my brain, I want it to be a surprise.
September 27, 2011 at 3:02 pm
“Basil” huh? Is that what you told the officer it was? Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to have a toke.. uh, I mean a Coke, yes, soda, that’s it.
September 27, 2011 at 4:35 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
September 27, 2011 at 12:01 pm
I don’t smoke either, but I am fat, so I naturally thought, “Polish Sausage stand?!?”
September 27, 2011 at 4:32 pm
I’ll take one in Vienna.
September 27, 2011 at 12:23 pm
Well, that’s one way to get rid of a garage full of old car parts that the wife threatened to otherwise insert into your body via your anus.
Come to think of it, due to the wreck I was in last week, I am now the “proud” ex-owner of a whole LOTTA potential cigar holders. (Yup, it got totaled out.) Maybe I *should* buy it back, after all, and glue on some gears and watch faces, then sell it piece by piece as “steampunk cigar holders”!
September 27, 2011 at 4:40 pm
Think of the
shit art you could make! Use the upholstery to make a prom dress, the steering wheel to make pendant, and the antenna to make a hot dog cooking stick for a hobo! Endless possibilities!September 27, 2011 at 4:41 pm
whoops sorry about that
September 27, 2011 at 4:47 pm
You could just leave it in one piece, glue gears and whatnot to it, and sell it as a cigar humidor.
Because of the great sentimental value and months of work it should, of course, be priced at $10,000.
September 27, 2011 at 1:11 pm
My thought was metal kebab skewer. I think it would be supremely annoying and stupid-looking to bring your mouth to the cigar instead of the cigar to your mouth.
September 27, 2011 at 1:12 pm
You’re not the only one, my first thought was that he just reinvented the roach clip in the ugliest way possible.
September 27, 2011 at 4:28 pm
Mine went more along the lines of “What would be wrong with a big roach clip,” but basically the same thought!
September 27, 2011 at 11:00 am
Am I the only one not seeing cigars after the first two (and shuddering uncontrollably)?
September 27, 2011 at 11:57 am
Nope, you’re not the only one. My first thought was “poop nuggets”.
September 27, 2011 at 11:59 am
I saw charred hot dogs and thumbs.
September 27, 2011 at 7:20 pm
Two thumbs up and a charred hot dog nugget for you!
September 27, 2011 at 12:11 pm
Mummy fingers
September 27, 2011 at 12:24 pm
Third one made me think of a double-headed dildo. (Yes, I do need more of a social life, why do you ask?)
September 27, 2011 at 1:08 pm
If it made you think of a double dildo, your social life sounds pretty active already….
September 27, 2011 at 6:13 pm
Not necessarily. With enough imagination you can use one of those, quite effectively, all by yourself.
September 28, 2011 at 12:30 pm
September 27, 2011 at 4:58 pm
I love the way you think
September 27, 2011 at 1:39 pm
Looks like a diarrhea explosion in an Advance Auto Parts.
September 27, 2011 at 3:54 pm
Etsy long ago proved that you can polish a turd. It was only a matter of time before someone created stands to display said turds upon.
September 27, 2011 at 6:19 pm
These guys took it to the next level
dsc.discovery.com/videos/mythbusters-polishing-a-turd.html
I mean, I might actually buy one of these polished turds…
September 28, 2011 at 10:23 am
If you look around, past etsy, you can not only polish turds, you can have them bronzed. My grandfather has a hunk of bronzed elephant poop that he is quite fond of in his living room…
September 27, 2011 at 5:02 pm
I thought teeny zombie penis… bloody thing looks like it rotted off.
September 27, 2011 at 11:00 am
This isn’t crafting.
This is what you do fucked up on cocaine at 3 in the morning.
September 27, 2011 at 11:03 am
“My neighbor and i came up with this idea the other night when we were having a cigar after dinner..”
Methinksthat dinner was a liquid one, with the cocaine for dessert.September 27, 2011 at 11:04 am
Have you been looking in my windows again?
September 27, 2011 at 11:16 am
Crapting?
September 27, 2011 at 11:59 am
“Cocaine is a hell of a drug”
- Rick James
September 27, 2011 at 4:53 pm
I suspect that fucked up on cocaine at 3 in the morning will eventually cause them to drill out the distribution points, shove a lit cigar into each one, and use the big end of the cap to inhale from all the cigars at once.
September 27, 2011 at 6:12 pm
It’s been my experience that people fucked up on cocaine at 3 am wash windows, polish shoes and shove random large things in their rectum that must be removed surgically.
September 27, 2011 at 11:01 am
And also, Things That Look Like Turds.
September 27, 2011 at 11:01 am
One of a kind severed gorilla toe stand made from crap from my grandfather’s basement.
September 27, 2011 at 11:07 am
This whole post translates into “I need money for weed”
September 27, 2011 at 11:12 am
You’re going to need more money than that, when you realize your car won’t work without a distributor cap that isn’t full of bb’s.
September 27, 2011 at 12:23 pm
Aww Rev, you made me LOL. Now my coworkers are looking at me funny.
September 27, 2011 at 3:57 pm
If you’re already smoking turdsticks, chances are you need that money for Schlitz.
September 27, 2011 at 11:01 am
a duck head? where the hell…
I don’t think my car has one of those – unless of course it’s a goose, that would explain all the honking…
September 27, 2011 at 12:08 pm
My only excuse is that I’m very, very tired.
Please forgive me. And remember to send the bail money to my alternate email, not my Hotmail address. Thanks.
September 27, 2011 at 2:29 pm
I think it is great. I was just thinking, why a duck and why not a crying eagle. You have created mutant fuckekry – congratulations!
September 27, 2011 at 3:20 pm
Viaduct?
September 27, 2011 at 2:36 pm
Second time this week you have made me laugh so hard I had a coughing fit.
September 27, 2011 at 2:46 pm
I AM PROUD TO BE KILLING YOU SLOWLY WITH MY LOVE.
(Wait, is that creepy? I won’t be able to differentiate until I’ve slept.)
September 27, 2011 at 4:51 pm
Reminds me of a song but damn thing won’t post in one (even though claims have 3 characters left so here it is in two)
Strumming my pain with his glingers
Snarking my life with his words
Killing me slowly with his love
Killing me slowly with his love
Telling my whole life with his snark
I heard he wrote some good snark
I heard he had a style
And so I Regretsied to view him
To read him for a while
And there was this blue square
Slanted dashes above his eyes
I felt all flushed with Vicodin
Embarrassed by the crowd
I felt he found my e-mails
And read each one out loud
I prayed that he would finish
But he just kept right on
September 27, 2011 at 4:53 pm
Strumming my pain with his glingers
He wrote as if he knew me
In all my whimsical despair
And then he snarked about fuckery
As if he’d not a care
And he just kept on snarking
Snarking clear and strong.
Strumming my pain with his glingers
Snarking my life with his words
Killing me softly with his love
Killing me softly with his love
Telling my whole life with his snark
Killing me
He was strumming my pain
Yeah, he was singing my life
Killing me slowly with his love
Killing me slowly with his love
Telling my whole life with his snark
Killing me slowly
With his love
September 27, 2011 at 12:27 pm
I saw “duck head” and hesitated before scrolling down. I was afraid April has brought back the odd duck woman sculpture from last week.
September 27, 2011 at 7:21 pm
i think that came from a cane. my mom had the same one when i was a kid and she had knee surgery.
September 27, 2011 at 11:02 am
OH GOD, OH GOD, OH HOLY MOTHERFUCKING GOD
He found a thumb in a dumpster.
September 27, 2011 at 11:05 am
No, he upcycled an organic pollical digit.
September 27, 2011 at 6:10 pm
Better than finding a thumb in your pickle jar?
September 27, 2011 at 7:22 pm
At least a thumb in a pickle jar is free–this one you’d have to pay for.
September 27, 2011 at 11:03 am
I imagine cigars look much like King Tut’s cock does right about now.
September 27, 2011 at 4:01 pm
O.O
Tut was 13 years old when he died. {points to chair in corner.} Where’s the Pedobear approval graphic?!
September 27, 2011 at 5:23 pm
Incorrect! Tut was 19. That means that he’s perfectly legal, plus, he married his sister. No troll points, for you!
September 27, 2011 at 5:32 pm
My mistake. They used to tell us he was 13, back before all that fancy schmancy carbon dating shenanigans.
And honey, I NEVER troll.
September 27, 2011 at 11:03 am
When you’re just too lazy to even glue shit to other shit.
September 27, 2011 at 11:04 am
This gets the Monica Lewinsky seal of approval.
September 27, 2011 at 11:11 am
“Sometimes, a Cigar is just a Cigar”
Sometimes, it’s not!
September 27, 2011 at 2:25 pm
“Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar” sometimes it is a dildo. Multipurpose!
September 27, 2011 at 11:04 am
OMG- That duck head just gave me a flashback. Jr. High – our neighbor had a show for hunters or wildlife or something on PBS. He made floating beer cozies for hot tubs & pools out of plastic ducks and was selling them on his show. My sister and I modeled them in our hot tub and our photo aired on his show. It was horrific. I MUST FIND THAT PHOTO!
September 27, 2011 at 11:04 am
Now why would he go and fill it with bbs and epoxy?? That thing could have doubled as a roach clip AND a crack pipe!!!
*heading to the automotive store now*
September 27, 2011 at 7:26 pm
No need to go the the automotive store–you have a whole supply under the hood of your car–distributor caps, manifolds, radiators. And the best part–it’s all freeeeee.
September 27, 2011 at 9:24 pm
See, I was on that train of thought too. Perhaps the local parts place wouldn’t pick up the car, so clearly there one only one thing to do. well 3.
1. Dismantle car 1. Paint/glue/shelac. 2. Sell on Etsy.
There! no more clunkers for the city to cite the owner!
September 27, 2011 at 11:42 pm
Even better – there’s lots of them under your neighbors’ cars.
September 27, 2011 at 11:05 am
I read this in my head in a strong southern drawl. I was kinda disappointed when I clicked thru to the shop and saw he was from CA.
September 27, 2011 at 11:16 am
No, no, in the south we would put a cheap cigarette or a poorly rolled joint on it.
September 27, 2011 at 12:06 pm
In the south, we just hold the ends of our cigars and let our fingers burn. Like real men. No car parts needed.
September 27, 2011 at 12:26 pm
Oh good lord, he’s from Huntington Beach. I grew up in, and subsequently escaped from, HB.
Dude, if you live in Huntington Beach, you are not poor. You don’t need to smoke the cigar to the last ash. And even if you are poor, for the amount you pay for this holder, you could just go buy a couple more cigars.
September 27, 2011 at 1:31 pm
We in California also have deranged rednecks. They just have the patented California lack of accent.
September 27, 2011 at 2:54 pm
Here you go (quail is the state bird).
September 27, 2011 at 3:24 pm
That would be really good with a potatoe.
September 27, 2011 at 3:57 pm
Yum!
September 27, 2011 at 4:28 pm
Very clever, Mapleleaves!
September 27, 2011 at 4:12 pm
Prob’ly the descendant of Oaky immigrants from the ol’ Dust Bowl days, a la “Grapes o’ Wrath.” Lots o’ them up here where I live, anyways.
As for his income level and/or employment status, I get the feeling a lot of his non-automotive offerings were liberated from an old lady’s kitchen mere moments before she arrived home from her monthly Red Hatters outing.
September 27, 2011 at 11:05 am
Poop or sausages. Like greasy diner breakfast sausages (you know- the kind that are so greasy and burned they look like poop?)
Maybe I should get one of these for the next Fedex delivery asshole who comes to my door smoking a cigar. I’m sure it’ll happen again.
September 27, 2011 at 6:06 pm
Poop or Sausages – didn’t Elgar compose that?
September 28, 2011 at 11:44 am
I thought it was a game show that a town in New Mexico named itself after.
September 27, 2011 at 11:07 am
Brilliant! Next up, cigarette cases made out of car door handles!
September 27, 2011 at 11:09 am
The seller also has what appears to be a Goatse serving dish.
http://www.etsy.com/listing/32790519/vintage-usa-a11-light-green-serving-bowl
September 27, 2011 at 11:50 am
And only asking $10.00. That’s a BARGAIN!
September 27, 2011 at 12:31 pm
Tells you how long we’ve been Regretsians when we see goatse in the most innoc—wait, that dish does look sort of goatse-ish, doesn’t it, especially with the stylized “hands” on each side.
September 27, 2011 at 12:32 pm
The cabinet nobs had me picturing this guy disassembling his house as well as his car.
September 27, 2011 at 12:40 pm
I WANT!! Not just because it looks oddly like a man pulling apart his chocolate starfish… but because I can fill it with veggies and dip, and politely serve it at my next party with a smile.
Filled with so much awesome.
September 27, 2011 at 2:31 pm
That’s obviously a Chicp N’ Dip. You know, the kind of gift your wife’s aunt would give you for your wedding. >_>
September 27, 2011 at 2:56 pm
“Chip N Dip” to translate it for the non-intoxicated
September 28, 2011 at 11:45 am
I figured you meant it was for hummus.
September 27, 2011 at 11:09 am
Man, his wife is going to be pissed when she tries to start her car tomorrow.
September 27, 2011 at 7:30 pm
Yup–someone’s in for a bit of a rude awakening, I reckon.
September 27, 2011 at 11:09 am
Lemme see if I have this straight:
1. Find some shit laying around in the garage. Car parts, FTW.
2. Pound a nail into it.
3. …..
4. PROFIT!
September 27, 2011 at 11:27 am
That’s about the size of it, yes.
September 27, 2011 at 12:17 pm
That’s what she said. zing!
September 27, 2011 at 11:54 am
AND your wife stops bitching about all the broken crap cluttering up the garage. There is just no end to the benefits of this brilliant idea.
I do want video of when he tries to turn the pile of oily rags and mostly-empty gas cans into a cigar holder, though. You know it’s coming.
September 27, 2011 at 12:32 pm
That will be just before he says, “Hey, hon, watch this!”
September 27, 2011 at 3:06 pm
I would wonder if this “winner” has managed to get a wife, unless perhaps a woman who makes masks from chicken skin.
September 27, 2011 at 4:18 pm
If he had a wife, there’d be at least ONE relatively new — but vintage — Yanni CD up for sale. Probably with a nail epoxied to it.
September 27, 2011 at 4:22 pm
That’s the only way to listen to Yanni.
September 27, 2011 at 4:23 pm
we have now witnessed the husband of the woman who makes placenta pillows.
September 27, 2011 at 8:33 pm
Sad thing is, I’m pretty sure that oil filter is the kind with the cotton batting that is oiled. X_x;
September 27, 2011 at 12:41 pm
They had nail something, obviously they weren’t getting laid.
Right?
September 27, 2011 at 6:05 pm
Right. Perhaps I should get a hammer.
September 27, 2011 at 11:10 am
and if you don’t smoke cigars you could put your partly petrified fecal matter on display.
September 27, 2011 at 12:47 pm
I got some in my yard courtesy of my dogs. Sweet. $20 for a proud display of Precious’ latest brown eye kabob?
How much do you think I’d could get selling a Doojazzler on Etsy? Because even booty cakes need bling!
Does he do custom orders?
September 27, 2011 at 5:41 pm
oh god SoCo. Straight with lots of ice thru the nose. Onto new keyboard. Not good.
Must remember to swallow first before reading…damn getting old ain’t for sissies!
September 27, 2011 at 11:10 am
Maybe it’s just the presence of the cigar that’s clouding my perception but the dimmer switch looks awfully phallic.
September 27, 2011 at 12:28 pm
Oh, good. I thought I was the only one.
September 27, 2011 at 11:11 am
I am so glad I had all you potheads here to interpret this from a cigar holder to a roach. It would never have occurred to me, since I don’t smoke anything. I was just mesmerized by the nasty skanky cigars.
September 27, 2011 at 12:19 pm
Nasty indeed. By the time they’re too short to hold, they’re all bitter from tar concentrating on the leaves… (cigars kinda self-filter right) Who WANTS to smoke their cigar right down to the end? Maybe poor people with nicotine addictions. But hey would just crumble it & roll it, or stab it on a toothpick or nail, not pay for some ugly holder-thingy.
September 27, 2011 at 12:19 pm
*they
September 27, 2011 at 12:41 pm
“Old stogies I have found, short but not too big around…”
Clearly these are groomsman’s gifts for a hobo wedding.
September 27, 2011 at 11:12 am
This is self-limiting because eventually he’s going to run out of car.
September 27, 2011 at 11:16 am
I’m sitting on a goldmine at our shop. Too bad we took all the scrap metal to the dump last week:( At least we still have these used parts to work with.
September 27, 2011 at 12:34 pm
Those cubbies are made from barnwood, aren’t they?
September 27, 2011 at 4:22 pm
My son just sold his non-running early-80s Bronco to an “auto recycler” (what used to be called a junk yard) for over $300, and they even towed it out of the driveway. I could cry, thinking of all the VINTAGE cigar-holder profits that we’ll never see!
September 27, 2011 at 11:22 am
I freely admit I thought you had made up the rest of them after the first one, “No way, could someone really be selling a whole series of these” I was wondering where you had got all the photos of car parts with the same background, thinking you had been photoshopping like hell (devil). I was so wrong.
September 27, 2011 at 11:40 am
I thought the exact same thing, too. “HK, you are brilliant and funny” Then I saw the shop. Unbelievable!
September 27, 2011 at 11:45 am
The “No, really” prize still goes to the “Party Like It’s 1929″ poster at the hobo wedding.
September 27, 2011 at 12:32 pm
Count me in too. I thought they were photoshopped. WTF seriously? His wife must feel like she won a real prize with him.
I do see an entry in his shop for the ‘Not Remotely Steampunk’ category. His lovely frosted green glass “steampunk” lamp. I would buy it if it had a petrified poop nugget nailed to it. Too bad.
September 27, 2011 at 11:46 pm
Yep, me too; I figured the rest were like “ha, that one was so silly, you could do this with anything”…but I guess the seller already thought of that…
September 27, 2011 at 11:26 am
Don’t they know that if you are holding a trailer hitch to your lips, there is some expectation of disappearing chrome?
September 27, 2011 at 11:26 am
How did he get all those cigars to look like wet turds? Does he hold his cigars several inches inside his mouth?
September 27, 2011 at 11:41 am
I think it’s just one kielbasa that got left on the grill too long. At least I hope that’s what it is.
September 27, 2011 at 6:02 pm
Now I’m all hungry.
September 27, 2011 at 11:43 am
“One day Bubba and I were cleaning lawn mower parts using Ivory Snow, and we got to talking about that girl on the box that made those movies. Well, we’d had a few beers and Bubba dared me to deep-throat my cigar….”
September 27, 2011 at 12:39 pm
“I said no, but then he double-dog-dared-me and, well, what choice did I have? Plus, I was sure I could take it a LOT deeper than he could.”
September 27, 2011 at 12:43 pm
At least they weren’t watching “Pink Flamingos.”
September 27, 2011 at 6:02 pm
Wish they were!
September 27, 2011 at 7:37 pm
Nope, not gonna Google Pink Flamingos. You can’t make me.
September 27, 2011 at 8:40 pm
not only should you google Pink Flamingos, you should totally netflix it. That movie rocks & kicks ass.
September 27, 2011 at 11:48 pm
That scene in Pink Flamingos totally should have been incorporated in the plot though. It would have gone well with the meat-eating scene.
September 28, 2011 at 8:12 am
OK, see THIS is why I don’t want to Google “Pink Flamingoes.” At first I thought it was a show on cable (which I don’t have) and now I find out it’s a movie (cool), but it has a specific “meat-eating scene” and that worries me (and I’m no vegetarian).
I don’t know about @Skantily Clad, but I’m not Googling or IMDBing it.
September 28, 2011 at 11:57 am
It’s by John Waters. Hairspray. Crybaby. Serial Mom. How bad could it be?
Hint: they didn’t edit that one scene at all so there was no doubt you saw what you thought you saw.
September 27, 2011 at 11:37 am
Someone needs to photoshop Winston Churchill holding one of these. Or Fidel.
September 27, 2011 at 5:11 pm
September 27, 2011 at 11:38 am
Those look like frostbitten big toes to me.
September 27, 2011 at 6:01 pm
Eeeew. I would rather picture people smoking shit.
September 27, 2011 at 11:39 am
I honestly thought it was a cat turd, and I’m still not convinced it isn’t.
September 27, 2011 at 11:39 am
If the point is to be able to smoke the cigar when it’s too short to hold in your hand, shouldn’t the object be something small enough to actually get the end of the cigar to your mouth?
I have a scissor-shaped cigar cutter that I’ve used like a roach clip, but only on high-end cigars. Anything you’d smoke while disassembling your car wouldn’t be worth hanging on to when it got that short.
Unless you’re Jay Leno.
September 27, 2011 at 12:06 pm
That was my thought too. How the crap do you get any of that shit close enough to your face to serve its intended purpose?
September 27, 2011 at 11:40 am
Car Part and roach clip. Problem solved.
You now owe me 20 bucks.
September 27, 2011 at 11:41 am
love it! headed to Auto Zone right now!
September 27, 2011 at 12:08 pm
Also useful for genital torture!
September 27, 2011 at 12:41 pm
Hee hee…genital “torture” or *scrolls up and looks again, shudders, scrolls back down slowly* no, you were right the first time–torture.
September 27, 2011 at 2:27 pm
Some Regretsy posters really scare me…
*shudder*
September 27, 2011 at 11:41 am
I think I have one of those brass duck heads somewhere. Maybe I should make it into a one-of-a-kind tampon holder.
September 27, 2011 at 11:44 am
I have SIX OF THEM, but they have much longer necks and are used to hold books up. When my mom died, my dad insisted on taking them to the assisted living place, maybe to threaten the nurses with. After he died, my daughter and husband would not let me dispose of them. So they appear, suddenly, in various rooms in my house.
September 27, 2011 at 12:01 pm
Wow, teleportation most fowl!
(God, so sorry, it’s been a long day.)
September 27, 2011 at 11:50 am
Love the teddy bears being strangled by rubber bands.
September 27, 2011 at 11:51 am
Maybe I’m just ridiculously naive, but instead of impaling your too-short cigar stub on a nail, which in turn protrudes from a big, heavy, irregularly-shaped chunk of metal that you have to hold up to your face every time you want a puff…couldn’t you just use the nail by itself? You know, like, hold it between your thumb and forefinger?
September 27, 2011 at 12:02 pm
Maybe you’re supposed to lean over the cigar and puff on it while it sits on the table? Like when you have to sip from an over-filled cup before picking it up?
*shrugs*
September 27, 2011 at 12:36 pm
So instead of car parts with nails in them, we actually need to invent some sort of cigar straw…
(Again: very, very tired.)
September 27, 2011 at 12:37 pm
Maybe!
Sure, stooping to crotch-height to suck on a table-mounted cigar is gonna make people think of fellatio. But that just increases the machismo of the whole thing. You’ve got a cigar, you’ve got car parts, and now you’ve got the lingering subliminal suggestion of man-on-man sex (which is the manliest kind because there are no ladies involved at all).
This guy is a GENIUS!
September 27, 2011 at 4:26 pm
Hmm sucking on the big brown cock makes everyone look heterosexual. really.. o_o
September 27, 2011 at 5:59 pm
@docleather – works for me.
September 27, 2011 at 12:35 pm
Stop using your ‘logic’ here, thank you very much.
September 27, 2011 at 11:56 am
The seller’s picture looks just like the kind of person I imagined selling cigar stands made of weird shit.
In all honesty though if I had money and a place of my own I’d probably get the grenade one and not even use it.
September 27, 2011 at 12:06 pm
Maybe I’m just a pervy old lady (well, no maybe about it) but I think the dimmer switch holder also fits well in the “Things that look like penises” category.
Jaysus, has the dude ever heard of toothpicks? He could buy a box of them, tie a masculine black ribbon around one end, spray paint it with glitter paint, dangle a skeleton key from the ribbon and sell each one for $40.
September 27, 2011 at 12:11 pm
The dimmer switch is totally a “Thing that looks like a penis” being mounted by a “Thing that looks like a turd”…
September 27, 2011 at 12:13 pm
Why is his description of himself a “12 year Ex-Ebay seller”? Does he think he’s sticking to them by moving his crap over to Etsy? This man is bitter, and confused.
September 27, 2011 at 12:19 pm
It’s part of the 12 step shit sellers anonymous program. Admit you have a problem. Get rid of that problem in lieu of a totally new venue to continue your problem…lather, rinse, repeat.
September 27, 2011 at 12:19 pm
sticking *it* to them
September 27, 2011 at 12:23 pm
I always install a cigar on my distributor, once every 3000 miles with my oil changes. Doesn’t affect fuel efficiency, but it does help settle the car’s stomach after a good meal. Plus it makes the car look cool.
September 27, 2011 at 5:57 pm
Do you fuel your car with vodka martinis and home-made prunes? I think I know you – is your name Malcolm by any chance?
September 27, 2011 at 12:26 pm
Hey you missed the best one!!
Everyone could use more “Polished Chrome Greanade” in their lives, it’s the new cowbell.
September 27, 2011 at 12:33 pm
I’ll see that grenade and raise you a flying saucer:
September 27, 2011 at 12:39 pm
I just spent the last few minutes bending my head around trying to figure out how in the hell you could even get to the turd around the UFO to smoke it. There’s a few minutes I’ll never get back.
September 27, 2011 at 6:57 pm
I also wasted some of my life trying to figure out how that one was supposed to work. It seems physically impossible!
September 27, 2011 at 12:54 pm
At least he didn’t use the pin to stick into the ass end of his cigar.
Well one would hope he’ll make that mistake, cuz we SOOO need more of his holders!
September 27, 2011 at 1:18 pm
I like the lion because it’s like he’s mad that he’s just been made into the worlds ugliest roach clip.
September 27, 2011 at 12:37 pm
I think this guy’s going for some sort of Regretsy award – Garbage, Things that Look Like Penises (dimmer switch as mentioned above), Goatse (serving bowl) and Not Remotely Steampunk:
VINTAGE LOOKING ART DECO STEAMPUNK GREEN FROSTED GLASS DESK LAMP
September 27, 2011 at 12:39 pm
Where’s the BINGO card?
September 27, 2011 at 1:27 pm
(Click for a blank and play along at home!)
September 27, 2011 at 12:57 pm
It’s a vintage-ish looking lamp. I’ll give it that.
But WTH is it with these sellers thinking if they just stick the word “Steampunk” on a listing that people will be all like “OH WOW That’s SOOO steampunk! I must own!”
Like really? Kinda like adding “Sexy” to a kids costume.
*eyeroll* And they think were the jealous losers with no clue.
September 27, 2011 at 1:58 pm
That lamp looks like it is from the ’70s. Not from a steampunk era, unless you’re doing some kind of crossover.
‘Hey babe,’ said Jules Verne as he puffed a reefer, ‘What’s your sign? My mechanical astrologizer will tell your future. You can see the results in the light of this cheesy lamp.’
September 27, 2011 at 4:33 pm
Oh, man. Jules would have SUCH a heavy mustache. {sighs and studies the wood paneling on the wall…}
September 27, 2011 at 12:38 pm
Would it spoil everyone’s fun if I note that I looked up “cigar stand” on Google and it’s something to put the cigar on when you’re done or want both hands free and can bear to pause smoking for a moment– not the cigar version of a roach clip?
September 27, 2011 at 12:42 pm
I think the problem is in the item description:
“When the cigar got down to a couple inches left , it was hard to hold on to…”
You may have looked up “cigar stand,” but it’s not clear if he ever did.
September 27, 2011 at 12:51 pm
I know you! You’re the kid who reminded our teacher at 2:55 on a Friday that she forgot to assign homework.
September 27, 2011 at 12:55 pm
I’ve also seen a little holder with a golf tee on the bottom, so you can set it on the ground while you’re playing golf. But that’s not what they said these were for.
September 27, 2011 at 12:41 pm
The entire shop looks like the Goodwill dumpster exploded. This is my fav – A Vintage Looking Art Deco Steampunk Green Frosted Glass Lamp. File in : Not Steampunk, Old and Buttugly Does Not Equal Vintage
http://www.etsy.com/listing/81191871/vintage-looking-art-deco-steampunk-green
September 27, 2011 at 12:43 pm
Sorry – rushgirl beat me to posting this treasure – shoulda updated.
September 27, 2011 at 12:49 pm
A Cigar that short becomes a Stogie, and is in Hobo Territory. The PROPER device for smoking a Stogie is a Toothpick. Auto parts…INDEED!
September 27, 2011 at 12:52 pm
Some people think they’re above everyone else. How gauche!
September 27, 2011 at 12:52 pm
Figuring out how to use something heavy to hold something pointy to hold something squishy – isn’t this how Vlad the Impaler got his big start?
September 27, 2011 at 1:08 pm
April don’t you just love how easy people make your job? You have a great job. People are great.
September 27, 2011 at 1:45 pm
I’m torn – do I classify those cigars under “Things that look like Penises” or “Things that look like Turds”?
But I think those cigars will always qualify under “Things that look like total garbage”. I’m one of those people who can’t stop classifying horrifying things. I guess I’m addicted to craftardia, chinese resellers, and endless freeflowing indignant butthurt.
September 27, 2011 at 2:00 pm
‘Turds that look like penises’ covers it.
September 27, 2011 at 2:11 pm
‘Things that look like turds and/or penises but are in fact just garbage’?
September 27, 2011 at 2:09 pm
Ahhh, tweakers.
September 27, 2011 at 2:22 pm
I’ll be blunt here… I rarely need something that holds smokes that large… can I get a “cigar stand” made from toy car parts? You know… for those hand rolled okra “cigars” we smoke…?
September 27, 2011 at 3:27 pm
Not blunt enough, apparently.
September 27, 2011 at 3:32 pm
September 27, 2011 at 7:01 pm
Holy crap that’s awesome.
September 27, 2011 at 4:11 pm
You could do what my straight-edge friend did out of the blue: whip a fork out of the kitchen drawer and wedge the “okra cigar” between the tines.
This little display of ingenuity impressed my definitely-not-straight-edge friend.
September 27, 2011 at 2:30 pm
In the words or should I say grunts of Tim Allen. “UUUH UUUH UUUH”
September 27, 2011 at 3:36 pm
Because nothing says “safe” like epoxy + things that are on fire.
September 27, 2011 at 3:47 pm
I guess I’m just old fashioned.
September 27, 2011 at 4:23 pm
Just needs a feather and/or chicken bones to be complete!
September 27, 2011 at 4:39 pm
Aw hell! Now this is playing in my head again!
http://youtu.be/rKaQzQAlNn4
September 27, 2011 at 4:46 pm
And, because I love you:
http://youtu.be/YLQYkbzSz5s
September 27, 2011 at 5:53 pm
I used to love these songs when I was a kid. Now I understand why my dad thought I was so entertaining.
September 28, 2011 at 8:24 am
The first 45 (record, for the young’uns out here, not a gun) I bought was “Old-Fashioned Love Song.” LOVED Three Dog Night. For Christmas in 3rd grade, we were allowed to bring in appropriate holiday records. Someone brought in 3DN and played “Joy to the World.” When it ended the nun sat there, very quiet. Or maybe she was just dead. Sorry, DEAF, maybe she was just DEAF. It’s been *mumbling* years, so I’m sure she’s gone on to the great penguin pen in the sky by now.
But I digress.
Thanks for posting this!
September 27, 2011 at 4:08 pm
The cigar looks moldy in the hitch pick.
yummy
September 27, 2011 at 4:22 pm
My late very great bro made an ashtray outta some sorta car part including some spring thingy to rest the butt in. I tell ua that man was a fuckin’ genius! *Now I just gotta figure out what the fuckin’ part IS and I’m RICH!*
September 27, 2011 at 4:29 pm
I was going to make a goatse themed cigar holder, but then it really would look like you’re sucking on a turd.
September 27, 2011 at 5:52 pm
Do it! That’s the look I’m going for.
September 28, 2011 at 1:40 am
Isn’t that the point?
September 27, 2011 at 4:56 pm
MUCH easier and more practical (adjusts for ANY size cigar! Multipurpose!)
September 27, 2011 at 5:36 pm
repurpose! And can I adjust it’s smell?
September 28, 2011 at 7:12 am
Of course! Just a twist, and WAH-LAH!
September 28, 2011 at 8:32 am
I love how you so seamlessly mix old-school (wrench) and chic (“WAH-LAH!”) and achieve simple coolness.
*claps enthusiastically, looks to someone nearby, with a “OMG, right?” expression*
September 28, 2011 at 1:40 pm
*bows*
September 27, 2011 at 5:52 pm
Charred Zombie Cock!
Suddenly I am in the mood for barbecued sausages.
ps – I misspelled barbecued, and one of the two correction suggestions was “barebacked.” How did the spellcheck know?
September 27, 2011 at 9:28 pm
I think I just peed myself a little bit. I thought the first picture was the real one and the others were just April’s sense of humor. WRONG, he has a store with all of these items. If I ever start rebuilding a car I know where to get used parts.
September 28, 2011 at 12:27 am
It looks like Leatherface cut off his own penis tip. That or an ice bit finger.
September 28, 2011 at 12:29 am
I kind of want to buy one of these just to crack it open, track the seller down in Huntington Beach, and shoot him with his own fucking filler bb’s.
September 28, 2011 at 9:44 am
I was disappointed after first seeing the photo to find out that it was not, in fact, a fecal Gatling gun.
September 28, 2011 at 12:33 pm
You can’t be the only person thinking of such a thing…so, get cracking and make one with your artistic ability!
September 28, 2011 at 10:04 pm
I want the duck. I really do. It’s just so fucking bizarre. I want to go to a fancy cigar bar here in NY, pull the decapitated head of a bronze duck out of my purse and proceed smoke from it like it’s the most normal thing in the world while the menfolk look on in utter confusion. This sounds like pretty much the best thing I can think of doing with a free evening.
October 1, 2011 at 12:23 am
x
October 1, 2011 at 12:25 am
AAAAAAAAArgh I did not mean to post that!!! Sorry, I’m a newb. But I just wrote you guys a goddamn novel and it wouldn’t post, so I got impulsive and had to test it. I’ll try breaking it up.
Ahem.
*Fade in*
One night, after dinner:
“Jay?” “Yeah Mae?” “You know, those ‘nail sticking out of some random car part’ weapons we make are selling like hotcakes at the swap meet, but how can we take our sales to the next level?” “Well, Mae, I guess we could sell them on that Etsy page I got to sell all our old shit after Ebay pissed me off too many times…TWELVE FUCKING YEARS!! If I had a dollar for every..”
October 1, 2011 at 12:27 am
Mae cuts him off. It’s best not to let him go down that path, especially when he’s been drinking. “Yeah, but I don’t think Etsy allows you to sell weapons.” “Hmmm… lemme ponder on that a moment… Ouch! This half smoked cigar burnt my fingers! Waitaminute…. I think I know how we can sell this thing!” He demonstrates, and Mae is enraptured. “But how will people know that’s what they’re buying?” “Well, Mae, if we just give mention of the nail, and of the heft of the thing, the people who need it, well, they’ll find it.”
October 3, 2011 at 10:02 pm
How fantastic, I’ve been looking for gangrenous toes absolutely everywhere!
October 5, 2011 at 11:00 pm
It looks like a mummified finger D: