@everyone… Stretch65 was making a punny.. Sucks…vampire… Get it?
Thumbs down for the pun. I’m going back to my gin & tonic. Whatevs.
OH and I’ve got 16 days left on my spell. So I wouldn’t thumbs me down unless you value your soul… or if you want to be immortal to, I’ll bite for a quarter. LOL
You managed to listen to it for longer than me. He sang about 2 lines and I had to turn it off, whoever told him he can sang should be hung, drawn and quartered!
Something about this music video seemed familiar, and then I read the description and discovered that it’s a continuation of “The Hunger”. Which is totally unforgettable: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bINYgVtRVjU
One hour and 43 seconds of vampyres and bliss. He also has other videos and postings on his Myspace page, including “The Hunger” music video: http://www.myspace.com/joshuamichael2
You could select time travel as one of your abilities, then go back 200 years and put $5 in a savings account. Then in the present, through the magic of compound interest, you’d have enough to pay for it!
What in the name of One-Armed Zombie Jesus is this seller thinking????
That spell is worth at LEAST $2,000 for the bottom tier. (Of course, there’s a 20% discount if you refer-a-friend. Obviously, it’s not worth advertising, since most in need of this spell have no friends.)
FlouncestheDrivingCat
September 18, 2011 at 3:28 pm
Hold the phones…you can’t go back and try to deposit money from THIS time, they’ll throw you out of the bank at best and possibly far worse things. You could end up in jail or burned as a witch or all account of nastiness. You’ve got to get yourself some decent 200 year old money and bring it with you, which may cut into your profits, there.
Time traveling is tricky that way. You gotta know the rules.
Well you see that way they don’t have to pay for health insurance, vacations, and other benefits. When it comes to money, Vampires are so cheap they just like to suck you dry.
Wait, so I would get immortality and get to live for ever, but it would only be temporary? And what if I choose the time travel ability and get stuck in the past when the spell wears off?
Upon thought, I think that I would rather be an immoral vampire. I think that I’ll go start on the immoral part and see how that goes before doing the entire fangs and blood bit.
I guess this suggests that only the vampires who ASK for time travel get it. So what probably happened is that all the vampires you know chose other powers.
Let me get this straight… I’d be immortal, but I’d have to request specifically to never grow old? What if I don’t? Would I just be a hot wrinkled mess of saggy skin and bones? Or maybe I’d have to keep eating (drinking?) to fill out the wrinkles and be a massively obese vampire…
Well, I kinda meant *good* crafts. Anything with glitter on it, or in it, is clearly hiding a design flaw. Much like certain vampires. Err…vampyres..I dunno…either way, set it on fire.
FlouncestheDrivingCat
September 18, 2011 at 3:17 pm
It would be a great excuse for a party! We’ll call it…hmm, red tent party is taken…red slurpee party? Red house party? Red carpet party? Red tongue party?
FAKE! Didn’t list the power of breakfast. Not one mention of a single Blah.
Also, for that price, we should get to become Saruman/Lord Sith with the grow old choice.
Because PayPal has a daily limit on ATM withdrawals, and they want to max their chances of emptying their account before you file your “item not as described” complaint. With the longer option, they can take all the time they need, even while scamming other suckers.
I think that’s how long the spell’s supposed to take to start working. So you pay more and get results faster. Cheaper options take longer to work. And, of course, if there’s evil spirits attached to you (or however she phrased it) it’ll take even longer. I can see it now “Your vampire potion didn’t work on me” “That’s because of the evil spirits attached to you but don’t worry, I have a potion for that.”
I don’t understand how it’s harder to be a vampire if you are full of evil darkness, I’d think that it would be a prerequisite. Damn kids these days with their candy-ass vamps.
It’s called a “Vampire Transformation Spell.” Do I get to transform vampires into something else? I’d love to turn one of them into a koala or a panda, or some other kind of tree-dwelling herbivore.
Shut the fuck up. Of all the ridiculous things I’ve seen on Regretsy, I don’t know that I’ve ever seen anything quite THIS ridiculous (clearly I missed it a year ago…). THIS IS BEYOND ALL COMPREHENSION
They have kindly thrown in some new powers to make this clearance sale more enticing. Beauty and Sexual desirability. I think I will go with Beauty but skip sexual desiribality. I want people to think I’m super hot and then wonder why they don’t want to have sex with me. Hmm..then I would get laid. Scratch that. I’m going to be butt ugly and sexually desirable.
Also:
The power of the undead.
It is unspecified what that power is, I’m just going to assume it means being a zombie. They are kinda like vampires. Sorta.
Well shit, I’d better start making mahogany stakes and a garlic wreath.
Oh wait – I just realized; I don’t need to because there’s NO SUCH THING AS VAMPIRES, you inebriated goth huckster.
That said, my friends and I, in a fit of boredom, DID make an “anti-vampire stake gun” once by cleverly combining one of those air-pump pellet pistols, and some bamboo skewers from the grill. Don’t fire it into a headwind is all I can say. Or, y’know, anywhere, for that matter.
I don’t quite understand her mortality-back guarantee.
Supposedly, if I no longer wish to be immortal, I can contact her to have the spell “casted off of me.” But what if she’s dead of old age by then? Is she also immortal? Even if she is, what if she has her spell casted off of her before I decide to have mine casted off of me?
There are too many questions, and not enough legalese. Despite the excellently high price, I don’t think this is legit.
I’m curious to know if it would be like Dorian Gray, where the time caught up with him. When you get your mortality back, can she guarantee you won’t collapse into a pile of dust?
This has to be a joke – the seller has to be snickering to him/herself saying.. “Hmmm.. a rack of lamb. That’s a nice addition. Let me see if I can get them to buy that, too!”
> LET ME SAY THIS IF YOU FIND SOME EBAY VAMPIRE SPELLS OUT THERER FOR LIKE $20, $50, $70 WHATEVER, THEN I ASSURE YOU THAT THEY ARE SCAMMERS.<
They're still using this line even though THEY are now charging $55.55.
as an aside, i know this is a different person cos one of the spells not offered w/ the above spell is knowing how to spell, if i make sense. if nothing else, this is something of which the lilith speller is capable.
That, and one is in Florida, and the other is in the UK. I suppose, if she’s vampire-time-travellerized herself, though, the commute isn’t so strenuous.
So…anyone really believe (beyond the seller) that someone stupid enough to fall for this inane bullshit actually has several thousand dollars at their disposal?
huh. That explains it. I got a discount vampire spell for only $1,850, and all I got for my troubles was a stomachache and hepatitis. I KNEW I should have gone for the full-priced option.
Y’know, I don’t know of any type of vampire that’s capable of time travel or has x-ray vision. Not even Dracula’s that good. Unless they’re talking about time travel as being able to travel through time because of immortality…which is stupid.
I keep getting distracted by the picture they have up because it’s a recolor of the cover of the Vampire the Masquerade – Redemption game.
After today’s art project I am covered in glitter and thereby (according to my fiance) a twilightvampire, perhaps I should purchase this offering and make it official?
Even if that listing was totally legit and could turn me into a vampire, I would refuse to give that kind of money to someone who can’t figure out the difference between plurals and possessives.
It’s probably a scam by Ebay itself, counting on the fact that waking up un-undead and not sparkly will render you too embarassed to file a buyer protection claim.
Dammit Dammit Dammit!! I have been scrimping and saving and starving just so I could afford this and just when I finally have $2850… it isn’t there! Now what to do?… oh yeah… join reality…
No where did I see the words “glittery” or “high school”.
On a slightly unrelated note, there are some vampires in the game Fallout 3. They like to live in an abandoned subway station. And they get all pissed off if you call them crazy. The dont sparkle either.
I just bought the spell…man o man..I just can’t decide which of my new found abilities should I use first??!!!.. am really disappointed that I don’t sparkle in the sunlight..damn !:-/
Lost my comment virginity just to ask…was I the only one completely charmed by “Don’t worry, Ebay has spells to help with that.” I feel like I should be able to work that into almost any conversation.
I bet it normal for most people selling things for money, depend on people itself, but I tend to worked hard by myself and try everything. there also few people tend to help, recently, I totally indebted to one immortal vampire who kindly share ancient dark rituals on certain website, for free.
but since it risky, only few brave people able to accept the challenge. I can share them at clyde.saint@yahoo.com
September 18, 2011 at 1:35 pm
I think this was the thing that finally broke me and made me start commenting. I think. I could be wrong. I’ve spent the last year drunk, after all.
September 18, 2011 at 1:58 pm
You started drinking because you missed out on the listing, didn’t you? Poor Anniyn!
September 18, 2011 at 3:57 pm
Regretsy. Come for the snark. Stay for the liver damage.
September 18, 2011 at 4:09 pm
^Can this be a sampler?
September 18, 2011 at 4:27 pm
I dunno about samplers, but if April wants, I can slap it onto some buttons real quick.
September 18, 2011 at 5:21 pm
Little something like this, I’m thinking?
September 18, 2011 at 7:36 pm
This just sucks
September 20, 2011 at 2:54 pm
@everyone… Stretch65 was making a punny.. Sucks…vampire… Get it?
Thumbs down for the pun. I’m going back to my gin & tonic. Whatevs.
OH and I’ve got 16 days left on my spell. So I wouldn’t thumbs me down unless you value your soul… or if you want to be immortal to, I’ll bite for a quarter. LOL
December 10, 2011 at 7:34 pm
Will u turn me please? I’ve been looking for a long time.
September 21, 2011 at 12:16 pm
I could do that.
September 18, 2011 at 10:16 pm
Martini’s & Mayhem I suppose???
Well screw that spell…I got a transformation for ya… http://fiverr.com/424399
September 19, 2011 at 11:03 am
It may be you hate witches or perhaps it’s a case of spontaneous combustion of the emergency Thumbs Up system courtesy of the cupcake brigade…
Oh well, I did see some thumbs up earlier…
September 18, 2011 at 1:36 pm
This is even better when you imagine Dwight Schrute reading it.
September 18, 2011 at 2:42 pm
False.
September 18, 2011 at 2:53 pm
BECAUSE IT’S ALL IN CAPS
September 18, 2011 at 2:56 pm
Bears.
Beets.
Battlestar Galactica.
Vampire.
September 18, 2011 at 4:36 pm
Bears
Vagina
Upcycle
Vampires
Immortal
Beets
September 18, 2011 at 4:39 pm
I was thinking maybe the late BILLY “CAPSLOCK” MAYS.
September 18, 2011 at 1:38 pm
I know nobody reads the re-posts, but apropos vampyres with a ‘y’, I think everyone needs to see this music video: http://youtu.be/i5Jx3dFRCf8
September 18, 2011 at 2:11 pm
That is so awesomely awful, you just a tear in your eye watching it.
September 18, 2011 at 2:34 pm
Mr. Michael even covers some of the same vampyric traits as the Ebay listing, as in the following borderline nonsensical lyrics:
“like razor wire/a vampire never dies” (wut)
and
“we only live forever/we only live forever/we only live fore-uh-ver/fore-huh-ver”
Sadly lacking in this is mention of drug habits of Bram Stoker.
September 18, 2011 at 7:29 pm
“fore-eh-ver…” reminds me of “The Sandlot.”
yer killin’ me, Smalls!
September 19, 2011 at 12:35 am
You managed to listen to it for longer than me. He sang about 2 lines and I had to turn it off, whoever told him he can sang should be hung, drawn and quartered!
September 18, 2011 at 2:51 pm
That had better not be a glitter tear. The FBI is watching for those.
September 18, 2011 at 2:55 pm
There is a certain subset of vampires who enjoy glitter, as I understand… Perhaps we could set the FBI on *them*?
September 18, 2011 at 3:12 pm
I had to turn the sound off at around 2:00. Then it wasn’t really so bad…until around 2:40. Then I just had to turn it off.
September 18, 2011 at 5:42 pm
I couldn’t make it past 1:43 truly terrible – razor wire lives forever???
September 18, 2011 at 2:44 pm
hahaa oh lord.
September 18, 2011 at 2:51 pm
So terrible, dear God. “Bram Stoker” may rhyme with “crazy coker”, that doesn’t mean you should ever use that in a song.
September 18, 2011 at 2:56 pm
Oh, I disagree.
September 18, 2011 at 3:22 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
September 18, 2011 at 3:22 pm
http://youtu.be/1glNuQiE77E
I’m special. here’s the link
September 18, 2011 at 3:36 pm
I made it all the way to ‘crazy coker’…woohoo!
September 18, 2011 at 3:37 pm
Oh god. Nails on a chalkboard bad.
Now this one is just fun: http://youtu.be/cTZ2CyEaNDI
September 20, 2011 at 10:04 am
Something about this music video seemed familiar, and then I read the description and discovered that it’s a continuation of “The Hunger”. Which is totally unforgettable: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bINYgVtRVjU
September 20, 2011 at 9:35 pm
“The lead singer’s hair is purposely messed up, his character in chaos. ”
hoo boy it’s bad when you even have to explain the ugly hair. if only that was the worst of it.
September 21, 2011 at 7:24 am
This just made my life. He has an album on Amazon if anyone is interested: http://www.amazon.com/Guardian-of-Secret-Dreams/dp/B001AJZ41U/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1316614959&sr=8-3
One hour and 43 seconds of vampyres and bliss. He also has other videos and postings on his Myspace page, including “The Hunger” music video: http://www.myspace.com/joshuamichael2
September 18, 2011 at 1:39 pm
Seems legit.
September 18, 2011 at 1:50 pm
Darn it. Went to click thumbsup, and my finger slipped and I hit thumbsdown and it won’t let me fix it. Give me a derp point, and give yourself a +2.
September 18, 2011 at 2:44 pm
You win a +1 from me for accidental douchebaggery.
September 18, 2011 at 6:29 pm
That’s the best kind.
September 18, 2011 at 7:32 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
September 18, 2011 at 3:03 pm
Sure. Like you aren’t really a werewolf. I am not fooled!
September 18, 2011 at 2:15 pm
Also, this seller is so kind to point out that others asking “$20, $50, $80, whatever” for a vampire spell are scammers.
September 18, 2011 at 2:28 pm
Yes, OBVIOUSLY only the people charging an arm and a leg are selling real spells!
September 18, 2011 at 3:03 pm
Well, what’d you expect?? Eye of newt ain’t CHEAP, dammit!
September 18, 2011 at 1:41 pm
The catch is that you have to pay $10,000 to avoid being turned into a piece of jewelry and serve as a sex slave.
September 18, 2011 at 2:52 pm
The source of all those jewelry vampires is finally revealed…
September 18, 2011 at 3:05 pm
I was afflicted with a jewelry vampire once. I had to sell all my jewelry to pay the divorce lawyer to get rid of him for me.
September 18, 2011 at 6:30 pm
How much do I have to pay if I WANT that?
September 18, 2011 at 9:00 pm
Get turned into a sex slave? Hmm… can you cook? Then it’s free.
September 18, 2011 at 7:32 pm
Oh, so that’s how we end up with glittery vampires in Twilight…
September 18, 2011 at 1:42 pm
You could select time travel as one of your abilities, then go back 200 years and put $5 in a savings account. Then in the present, through the magic of compound interest, you’d have enough to pay for it!
September 18, 2011 at 1:54 pm
Genius!
September 18, 2011 at 2:14 pm
Why stop with $5?? Put in $10 so you have enough to buy one for a friend. Immortality wouldn’t be much fun alone.
September 18, 2011 at 2:17 pm
I like the way you think.
Of course, I’d rather track down Angel or Spike (they are real vampires, right?) and have my way with them.
September 18, 2011 at 2:44 pm
What in the name of One-Armed Zombie Jesus is this seller thinking????
That spell is worth at LEAST $2,000 for the bottom tier. (Of course, there’s a 20% discount if you refer-a-friend. Obviously, it’s not worth advertising, since most in need of this spell have no friends.)
September 21, 2011 at 12:07 am
Angel or Spike, why not both?
September 18, 2011 at 3:01 pm
You must carefully pick the friend.
September 18, 2011 at 3:28 pm
Hold the phones…you can’t go back and try to deposit money from THIS time, they’ll throw you out of the bank at best and possibly far worse things. You could end up in jail or burned as a witch or all account of nastiness. You’ve got to get yourself some decent 200 year old money and bring it with you, which may cut into your profits, there.
Time traveling is tricky that way. You gotta know the rules.
September 18, 2011 at 3:33 pm
It’s easier to just travel back and mug a few people to get local currency, then deposit it and travel back.
September 18, 2011 at 4:27 pm
I wonder if the seller has an invisibility spell. That would rock.
September 18, 2011 at 5:24 pm
@Flounces – Didn’t see one, sorry.
September 18, 2011 at 6:32 pm
Invisibility is part of the vampire package (#4).
September 19, 2011 at 8:23 am
Hmmm, immortality for only 10 days…Seems legit.
September 18, 2011 at 2:56 pm
I like money…
September 18, 2011 at 3:06 pm
Not. Enough. Thumbs.
But now I have to go watch that movie again. Dammit.
September 18, 2011 at 4:57 pm
I like money too. We should hang out! XD
September 18, 2011 at 3:04 pm
Why not put more in, and cash in on the mortality-back guarantee? Mad money!
September 18, 2011 at 1:43 pm
I can’t be the only one dying to buy this and do a chargeback to PayPal in 3 days, telling them I want my money back because I’m not a vampire.
September 18, 2011 at 3:25 pm
The fun part is that they still lose the paypal fees from the original sale.
September 18, 2011 at 1:44 pm
This is a “temp time” spell. Is the economy so bad even vampires are using temps?
September 18, 2011 at 3:51 pm
Well you see that way they don’t have to pay for health insurance, vacations, and other benefits. When it comes to money, Vampires are so cheap they just like to suck you dry.
September 19, 2011 at 1:55 am
Wait, so I would get immortality and get to live for ever, but it would only be temporary? And what if I choose the time travel ability and get stuck in the past when the spell wears off?
September 18, 2011 at 1:45 pm
Upon thought, I think that I would rather be an immoral vampire. I think that I’ll go start on the immoral part and see how that goes before doing the entire fangs and blood bit.
September 18, 2011 at 2:20 pm
How about an immoral time traveling drunk? That would be WAY more fun than being a vampire.
September 18, 2011 at 2:56 pm
You rang?
September 18, 2011 at 3:07 pm
Damn, now my husband wants to know why I’m squirming on the couch.
September 18, 2011 at 3:07 pm
*quietly wiping away the drool that just splashed onto my keyboard*
September 18, 2011 at 3:11 pm
Well played Progurt. Well played.
BARROWMAN!!!
September 18, 2011 at 5:33 pm
Excuse me; I have to go cut off the thumbs of 10 random passers-by to give you.
Be right back.
September 18, 2011 at 6:28 pm
Oh. Capt. Jack…..he is just so damn tasty.
September 18, 2011 at 7:33 pm
Hot damn!
September 18, 2011 at 3:10 pm
Kind of dangerous. What if I drunk time travel to plague ridden England or some equally fun local? I’d need a designated traveler.
September 18, 2011 at 8:42 pm
That does it. Regretsy needs a TARDIS, though I can only imagine what it would be shaped like. Possibly a hat made of lace and dried squirrel pelts.
September 19, 2011 at 12:41 am
This place sells a full size TARDIS: http://www.thisplanetearth.co.uk/main/page31.html
September 20, 2011 at 10:43 am
You mean like this?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hzOyIILgjcQ
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c2kGVUrz444
September 18, 2011 at 1:46 pm
that was a year ago – someone should check in on how that spell worked out.
September 18, 2011 at 1:48 pm
I have to say I did not know vampires could time travel. Wow.
September 18, 2011 at 2:47 pm
I guess this suggests that only the vampires who ASK for time travel get it. So what probably happened is that all the vampires you know chose other powers.
September 18, 2011 at 3:26 pm
“When they were handing out common sense, he was in the bathroom. But he made sure he asked for time-travel skills.”
September 18, 2011 at 2:51 pm
they can only travel in the nighttime
that is why a lot of us didn’t try to become vampires. some of us are asleep at night. or too drunk to travel.
September 18, 2011 at 3:08 pm
Or both.
September 18, 2011 at 2:54 pm
I didn’t know vampires had X-Ray vision. Is this a vampire spell or a Superman spell?
September 18, 2011 at 3:09 pm
It’s a vampire spell designed to appeal to those who read the ads on the back cover of old comic books, natch!
September 18, 2011 at 1:49 pm
If it’s a temp time spell, then the person really can’t guarantee immortality, can they?
September 18, 2011 at 1:53 pm
I seriously doubt they can guarantee anything except an emptyness in your wallet.
September 18, 2011 at 3:10 pm
I’ll do that for HALF the price! Act now, and I’ll even offer you a convenient monthly payment plan
September 18, 2011 at 9:10 pm
How would you empty someone’s wallet for half the price?
September 19, 2011 at 4:46 am
find someone only half as smart with only half the money?
September 19, 2011 at 8:37 am
But then you’re only doing half the work for half the price… OMG, it’s essentially still full price! You scammer!
September 18, 2011 at 3:07 pm
Well, if you pay for the “3 day spell” and you don’t die… you were probably immortal those three days. I think.
September 18, 2011 at 9:27 pm
No no, the thee day option is how long the spell takes to work. So if you die AFTER three days, you can get your money back. Oh wait…
September 20, 2011 at 3:10 pm
well you can test it out by running a car full tilt into a wall
September 18, 2011 at 10:36 pm
September 18, 2011 at 1:54 pm
I can prove you are stupid for $2,750.
You save $100.
September 18, 2011 at 1:58 pm
Darn they took it down! Sigh… guess I’ll never be immortal now…
September 18, 2011 at 2:58 pm
“Listings that have ended 90 or more days ago will not be available for viewing.”
Somewhere out there are 10 more vampires…..
September 18, 2011 at 3:11 pm
Guess that means Van Helsing is going to have to team up with Buffy to take them all down.
September 18, 2011 at 2:59 pm
I’m sure 10 sold and now “its to late.”
September 18, 2011 at 1:59 pm
Let me get this straight… I’d be immortal, but I’d have to request specifically to never grow old? What if I don’t? Would I just be a hot wrinkled mess of saggy skin and bones? Or maybe I’d have to keep eating (drinking?) to fill out the wrinkles and be a massively obese vampire…
September 18, 2011 at 2:34 pm
For more information, please see Joan Rivers
September 18, 2011 at 2:48 pm
According to the Greeks, you’d eventually become a grasshopper. Or Selma Diamond..
September 18, 2011 at 2:51 pm
Nah, just tons of plastic surgery, like the rest of the aging Hollywood vampires.
September 18, 2011 at 2:53 pm
I’m already old so I can’t become a vampire who will not age. More goddamned ageism. Get me Dennis’ lawyer!
September 18, 2011 at 5:11 pm
Just wondering, if I take them up on this offer, do I have to look like the picture?
September 18, 2011 at 2:05 pm
WHERE’S THE SPARKLE OPTION?
September 18, 2011 at 2:47 pm
Was wondering that myself. I bet that costs another 2 grand. Damn. Now what do all the Twatlight fans do?? Mass suicide? Oh..if only…
September 18, 2011 at 2:52 pm
Glitter’s cheap at Hobby Lobby.
September 18, 2011 at 2:56 pm
These don’t strike me as DIY people.
September 18, 2011 at 3:13 pm
Really, Jaie? And here I could have sworn some of those vampiric craftarding cupcakes were working for Etsy to fund their glitter fix!
September 18, 2011 at 3:37 pm
Well, I kinda meant *good* crafts. Anything with glitter on it, or in it, is clearly hiding a design flaw. Much like certain vampires. Err…vampyres..I dunno…either way, set it on fire.
September 18, 2011 at 5:39 pm
I don’t see the other “weakness’s” listed, either.
How much do I have to pay to get “Vampire Sparkle Party” out of my head?
September 18, 2011 at 2:07 pm
Less popular vampire abilities include:
-coughing up blood clots
-sensitivity to sunlight
-eating flies (ala Renfield)
-being mistaken for Goths
-sparkling
September 18, 2011 at 2:53 pm
Hey! If I lay out damned near $3k, I sure as HELL don’t want to be mistaken for a GOTH.
Next you’ll be telling me that for another $1200, I can guarantee avoiding being Emo, too.
September 18, 2011 at 3:10 pm
For only an additional $3500, you can receive a genuine “Tickle me Emo”!
September 18, 2011 at 3:14 pm
Those are the ones that giggle when you “tickle” them with the included razor blade, right?
September 18, 2011 at 6:32 pm
Cuz he cuts himself to feel ALIVE
September 18, 2011 at 9:15 pm
If you lay out $3k and DO want to be mistaken for things then you might be a hipster…
September 18, 2011 at 4:47 pm
I LOVE you for including fly eating Renfield. Take me away and marry me.
September 18, 2011 at 2:07 pm
Love that they mention that other, more expensive spells are SCAMS. Uh huh. Yup. Gotcha.
September 18, 2011 at 2:19 pm
ops read $20,$50,$80 as: 205,080.00
so less. less expensive scams.
STILL!
September 18, 2011 at 2:21 pm
it better come in a cake like this:
September 18, 2011 at 2:26 pm
I just couldn’t be an IMMORTAL VAMPIRE. All I’d be able to drink would be blood, and I really do like vodka.
Imagine – being IMMORTAL and having to stay sober.
September 18, 2011 at 2:27 pm
Sorry, misthread. Clearly I’ve already had too much vodka.
September 18, 2011 at 3:17 pm
It would be a great excuse for a party! We’ll call it…hmm, red tent party is taken…red slurpee party? Red house party? Red carpet party? Red tongue party?
And why isn’t this listed under “bullshit?”
September 18, 2011 at 3:34 pm
All you have to do is feed exclusively on drunks.
September 18, 2011 at 2:17 pm
FAKE! Didn’t list the power of breakfast. Not one mention of a single Blah.
Also, for that price, we should get to become Saruman/Lord Sith with the grow old choice.
September 18, 2011 at 2:28 pm
I think vampires are silly, but I’d be so down to be a Sith Lord. Or Charlton Heston. Either works.
September 18, 2011 at 2:48 pm
Not to mention no second breakfast.
September 19, 2011 at 4:50 am
Second breakfast?
I’m already on onesies!
September 18, 2011 at 2:23 pm
It doesn’t mention anything about the Vampire’s most powerful ability:
The power to make horny housewives act like idiot teenagers.
Very disappointing.
September 18, 2011 at 2:30 pm
Only sparklepires can do that.
September 18, 2011 at 4:14 pm
And Lestat.
September 18, 2011 at 9:18 pm
Psh, Lestat and sparklepires are gay and fake.
Respectively.
September 18, 2011 at 2:37 pm
*facepalm* Stop following me!
September 18, 2011 at 2:42 pm
Why does 1-3 days cost more than twice the amount 30-45 days does?
September 18, 2011 at 2:57 pm
Because PayPal has a daily limit on ATM withdrawals, and they want to max their chances of emptying their account before you file your “item not as described” complaint. With the longer option, they can take all the time they need, even while scamming other suckers.
September 18, 2011 at 3:01 pm
I think that’s how long the spell’s supposed to take to start working. So you pay more and get results faster. Cheaper options take longer to work. And, of course, if there’s evil spirits attached to you (or however she phrased it) it’ll take even longer. I can see it now “Your vampire potion didn’t work on me” “That’s because of the evil spirits attached to you but don’t worry, I have a potion for that.”
September 18, 2011 at 3:17 pm
“Just send me an additional $2500 for the Evil Spirit Cleansing Potion!”
September 18, 2011 at 3:20 pm
I don’t understand how it’s harder to be a vampire if you are full of evil darkness, I’d think that it would be a prerequisite. Damn kids these days with their candy-ass vamps.
September 18, 2011 at 2:44 pm
Doesn’t always work the way you wish it to.
September 18, 2011 at 2:46 pm
Fraud! She turned me into a newt!
September 18, 2011 at 2:49 pm
But you got better!!
September 18, 2011 at 2:49 pm
It’s called a “Vampire Transformation Spell.” Do I get to transform vampires into something else? I’d love to turn one of them into a koala or a panda, or some other kind of tree-dwelling herbivore.
September 18, 2011 at 4:12 pm
‘some other kind of tree-dwelling herbivore’
Twilight on a nutshell.
September 18, 2011 at 4:15 pm
IN a nutshell! Oops, me inglish no speak very gud forgot. Go get translation school money back.
September 18, 2011 at 2:50 pm
I picked 6, and forgot to pick 7! Boy, how dumb does MY immortal wrinkly ass feel.
September 18, 2011 at 2:52 pm
Free Shipping!
September 18, 2011 at 2:53 pm
Maybe the ebay seller just misspelled the listing, and it’s for an “immortal umpire.”
September 18, 2011 at 2:59 pm
So you’d spend the rest of eternity catching balls to the face? Think I’d prefer the vampire.
September 18, 2011 at 3:27 pm
If you spent enough time catching balls to the face, you’d easily earn the money for the spell, I’d think.
September 18, 2011 at 9:20 pm
If Twilight has taught me anything, catching balls to the face is basically what being a vampire is.
September 18, 2011 at 3:36 pm
immoral umpire, I can buy that.
September 19, 2011 at 8:40 am
I see what you did there…
September 18, 2011 at 2:53 pm
IF IT’S EXPENSIVE IT’S LEGIT.
September 18, 2011 at 2:55 pm
If its on the internet, it’s legit.
September 18, 2011 at 6:55 pm
If it’s written with words, it’s legit.
September 19, 2011 at 6:06 am
If I say so, its legit. Trust me.
September 18, 2011 at 2:54 pm
Why are fangs not on the list of the most popular vampire abilities?
September 18, 2011 at 2:58 pm
Because that’s less an ability and more a dental condition.
September 18, 2011 at 6:56 pm
And you can buy them at Party City.
September 18, 2011 at 2:55 pm
Shut the fuck up. Of all the ridiculous things I’ve seen on Regretsy, I don’t know that I’ve ever seen anything quite THIS ridiculous (clearly I missed it a year ago…). THIS IS BEYOND ALL COMPREHENSION
September 18, 2011 at 2:57 pm
I just found what I think is the same seller, offering the same deal for a fraction of the price!
http://www.ebay.com/itm/VAMPIRE-TRANSFORMATION-SPELL-TRUE-BLOOD-/220856960851?pt=LH_DefaultDomain_0&hash=item336c19c753
September 18, 2011 at 3:00 pm
So by their own definition, selling their spell at the reduced price of $55 makes it a scam, too? Nice of them to warn us!
September 18, 2011 at 3:14 pm
Yeah, I guess they weren’t counting on us remembering this listing from a year ago.
September 18, 2011 at 3:41 pm
I noticed that disclaimer is still there too, and half the prices listed are higher than their current selling price.
Must be an end-of-season clearance sale.
September 19, 2011 at 2:08 am
They have kindly thrown in some new powers to make this clearance sale more enticing. Beauty and Sexual desirability. I think I will go with Beauty but skip sexual desiribality. I want people to think I’m super hot and then wonder why they don’t want to have sex with me. Hmm..then I would get laid. Scratch that. I’m going to be butt ugly and sexually desirable.
Also:
The power of the undead.
It is unspecified what that power is, I’m just going to assume it means being a zombie. They are kinda like vampires. Sorta.
September 19, 2011 at 3:46 pm
What, is their bag of magic tricks overfull and they need room?
September 18, 2011 at 3:32 pm
Check out the feedback. One poor bastard not only bought a vampire transformation spell, but he also got a succubus summoning spell.
September 18, 2011 at 4:41 pm
They all seem to be satisfied with their purchases…
September 19, 2011 at 2:09 am
That worries me more than anything.
September 18, 2011 at 3:45 pm
I found the same thing, right now the bid is $25.25. I guess it’s not real because the price is so low….EVEN THOUGH it’s the same person selling it.
September 18, 2011 at 6:43 pm
Good eyes kmitch….good eyesI
Even an immortal umpire couldn’t call that one
September 18, 2011 at 2:57 pm
Well shit, I’d better start making mahogany stakes and a garlic wreath.
Oh wait – I just realized; I don’t need to because there’s NO SUCH THING AS VAMPIRES, you inebriated goth huckster.
That said, my friends and I, in a fit of boredom, DID make an “anti-vampire stake gun” once by cleverly combining one of those air-pump pellet pistols, and some bamboo skewers from the grill. Don’t fire it into a headwind is all I can say. Or, y’know, anywhere, for that matter.
September 18, 2011 at 3:00 pm
Those also work well on squirrels, so your talents were not entirely wasted on that one.
September 18, 2011 at 2:59 pm
I don’t quite understand her mortality-back guarantee.
Supposedly, if I no longer wish to be immortal, I can contact her to have the spell “casted off of me.” But what if she’s dead of old age by then? Is she also immortal? Even if she is, what if she has her spell casted off of her before I decide to have mine casted off of me?
There are too many questions, and not enough legalese. Despite the excellently high price, I don’t think this is legit.
September 18, 2011 at 3:01 pm
Now available for $55.55, you can’t afford NOT to take a chance on it now!
September 18, 2011 at 3:07 pm
And now down to the low low bargain price of $25.25. Why the extra quarter is what I wanna know.
September 18, 2011 at 5:29 pm
For the same reason Daffy Duck preferred to use a buck-and-a-quarter quarter staff. You get what you pay for.
September 18, 2011 at 3:01 pm
I’m curious to know if it would be like Dorian Gray, where the time caught up with him. When you get your mortality back, can she guarantee you won’t collapse into a pile of dust?
September 18, 2011 at 3:01 pm
September 18, 2011 at 3:10 pm
I always had my suspicions.
September 18, 2011 at 3:16 pm
She probably paid full price.
September 18, 2011 at 3:16 pm
Well that about sums it up…
September 18, 2011 at 3:23 pm
Boy, you really pegged this one.
September 18, 2011 at 6:47 pm
Love the look on pattinson’s face!
September 18, 2011 at 3:36 pm
I KNEW IT
September 19, 2011 at 10:20 pm
Cedric should have stayed dead.
GO HUFFLEPUFF!
September 18, 2011 at 3:01 pm
Fear not. That listing may be gone from Ebay but here’s one for a mere 5000.
http://tinyurl.com/5000vampspell
September 18, 2011 at 3:26 pm
“If you would like a spell that is Christian based, please send me an email.”
Uhhhhhhh HUH. Because vampire succubus sex-slaves go so well with communion.
September 18, 2011 at 6:48 pm
Not communion so much as the speaking in tongues thing and snakes……oh the snakes
September 18, 2011 at 3:26 pm
Seems legit. I trust anything that requires patchouli, rack of lamb and bananas.
September 18, 2011 at 4:01 pm
This has to be a joke – the seller has to be snickering to him/herself saying.. “Hmmm.. a rack of lamb. That’s a nice addition. Let me see if I can get them to buy that, too!”
September 19, 2011 at 2:16 am
The rack of lamb and black pepper aren’t strictly required for the spell, but it takes a long time to cast and casters get hungry.
September 18, 2011 at 3:37 pm
It takes a real scumbag to scam people like this. But then again, it takes a real fucking moron to be taken by said scumbag.
September 18, 2011 at 3:54 pm
It’s almost like Darwin’s theory in action, isn’t it?
September 18, 2011 at 8:25 pm
You really see it in action when you look up psychics on ripoffreport.com.
It’s pure gold.
September 20, 2011 at 10:54 am
Only if the spell is fatal.
September 20, 2011 at 10:56 am
Or causes sterility I guess…
September 18, 2011 at 3:01 pm
Wait a minute… they’re selling these for a starting bid of $55 now! What happened to “if it’s cheap, it’s not legit”? http://www.ebay.com/itm/VAMPIRE-TRANSFORMATION-SPELL-TRUE-BLOOD-/220856960851?pt=LH_DefaultDomain_0&hash=item336c19c753#ht_1431wt_1178
September 18, 2011 at 3:02 pm
Dude…the economy..
September 18, 2011 at 3:03 pm
Exactly.
September 18, 2011 at 3:07 pm
> LET ME SAY THIS IF YOU FIND SOME EBAY VAMPIRE SPELLS OUT THERER FOR LIKE $20, $50, $70 WHATEVER, THEN I ASSURE YOU THAT THEY ARE SCAMMERS.<
They're still using this line even though THEY are now charging $55.55.
September 18, 2011 at 3:09 pm
and now they are using “The Goddess” as a fall gal, whoever she may be.
September 18, 2011 at 3:11 pm
At least the seller doesn’t threaten to raise the price if it doesn’t sell.
September 18, 2011 at 3:02 pm
it’s gone, of course, but you can buy a different one from a different person for the same price, which brings a succubus into yr life. for the man who has everything:
LilithVampireSexSlaveDemonSuccubusNymphFeedOffHerSexualEnergySurrenderW/KISS
as an aside, i know this is a different person cos one of the spells not offered w/ the above spell is knowing how to spell, if i make sense. if nothing else, this is something of which the lilith speller is capable.
plus she takes best offers.
September 18, 2011 at 3:09 pm
Why not just by a $3.00 doll/toy/knick-knack and assign your own imaginary friend to it?
September 18, 2011 at 3:30 pm
Or stop being a cheap bastard, and pay the fucking $75 for a blow-up doll and a tube of lube.
September 18, 2011 at 3:28 pm
That, and one is in Florida, and the other is in the UK. I suppose, if she’s vampire-time-travellerized herself, though, the commute isn’t so strenuous.
September 19, 2011 at 3:32 am
Why doesn’t it mention that succubi drain the life force from their victims to feed on?
September 18, 2011 at 3:14 pm
If this was a magical spell so I could cry glitter tears…..well, that’s a no brainer.
September 18, 2011 at 3:16 pm
Either someone copied the same listing, or they’re at it again, at one of the scammer prices!
http://www.ebay.com/itm/VAMPIRE-TRANSFORMATION-SPELL-/220856960707?pt=LH_DefaultDomain_0&hash=item336c19c6c3
September 18, 2011 at 5:27 pm
I think you might have missed the several posts before referencing this exact listing.
September 18, 2011 at 9:30 pm
…And yet somehow the rehashed snark seems sort of meta-appropriate for this reduced-price listing.
September 18, 2011 at 3:20 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lct6x-XqWrw
September 18, 2011 at 3:33 pm
If all of those got sold at the original prices, that seller must be the richest 10-year-old in town.
September 18, 2011 at 3:43 pm
Just what we need: a Vampire Transformer. Ordinary Decepticons aren’t bad enough?
September 18, 2011 at 3:48 pm
So…anyone really believe (beyond the seller) that someone stupid enough to fall for this inane bullshit actually has several thousand dollars at their disposal?
September 18, 2011 at 3:55 pm
THIS EBAY AD HURTS MY EYES.
AND YOU WOULD THINK THAT SOMEONE SELLING A ‘SPELL’ WOULD KNOW HOW TO, WELL, SPELL—AND USE GOOD GRAMMAR AND PUNCTUATION.
September 18, 2011 at 4:25 pm
AND NOT USE ALL CAPS
September 18, 2011 at 8:31 pm
I see that you saw what I did there.
September 18, 2011 at 4:09 pm
What exactly is the point of not growing old for 1-3 days?
September 18, 2011 at 9:08 pm
I suppose if you do it repeatedly, you might gain a couple of weeks.
September 18, 2011 at 4:16 pm
huh. That explains it. I got a discount vampire spell for only $1,850, and all I got for my troubles was a stomachache and hepatitis. I KNEW I should have gone for the full-priced option.
September 18, 2011 at 4:34 pm
Count yourself fortunate. The cheaper ones (for $20, $50 and $80, for instance) can give you herpes.
September 19, 2011 at 5:26 am
I’m sitting at work reading this and trying to be silent. Your comment actually made a tear roll down my cheek from the effort not to start cackling.
September 18, 2011 at 4:19 pm
Does this come with Sparkly Gayness included?…’cause I’m not giving this guy a penny if Sparkly Gayness isn’t included.
September 18, 2011 at 4:35 pm
Y’know, I don’t know of any type of vampire that’s capable of time travel or has x-ray vision. Not even Dracula’s that good. Unless they’re talking about time travel as being able to travel through time because of immortality…which is stupid.
I keep getting distracted by the picture they have up because it’s a recolor of the cover of the Vampire the Masquerade – Redemption game.
September 18, 2011 at 5:02 pm
…not impressed.
September 18, 2011 at 6:57 pm
I voted for him once.
September 18, 2011 at 6:38 pm
After today’s art project I am covered in glitter and thereby (according to my fiance) a twilightvampire, perhaps I should purchase this offering and make it official?
September 18, 2011 at 6:49 pm
Even if that listing was totally legit and could turn me into a vampire, I would refuse to give that kind of money to someone who can’t figure out the difference between plurals and possessives.
September 18, 2011 at 7:24 pm
September 18, 2011 at 8:46 pm
Oh, LB, I <3 that so hard!!!
September 18, 2011 at 7:42 pm
There’s better be a money back guarantee I won’t be turned into some sparkly, castrated pussy.
September 18, 2011 at 8:26 pm
The lovely thing is ebay and paypal buyer protection.
September 18, 2011 at 8:40 pm
It’s probably a scam by Ebay itself, counting on the fact that waking up un-undead and not sparkly will render you too embarassed to file a buyer protection claim.
September 18, 2011 at 8:36 pm
Unholy mindfuck- or your money back!
September 18, 2011 at 8:38 pm
Oh, arg, sorry. Newbie poster, link didn’t show up. Second try:
http://www.ebay.com/itm/HAUNTED-HOT-SUCCUBUS-SEX-DEMON-GIRLFRIEND-ADULTS-ONLY/280741216612?ssPageName=WDVW&rd=1&ih=018&category=102514&cmd=ViewItem#ht_24411wt_1168
September 19, 2011 at 6:14 am
But…doesnt the succubus steal men’s souls? I mean, Im not concerned about mine…but what of the children?
September 19, 2011 at 8:42 am
What of the man children?
September 19, 2011 at 11:21 am
Like I said, not concerned.
September 18, 2011 at 9:25 pm
Dammit Dammit Dammit!! I have been scrimping and saving and starving just so I could afford this and just when I finally have $2850… it isn’t there! Now what to do?… oh yeah… join reality…
September 18, 2011 at 10:20 pm
September 19, 2011 at 5:27 am
Awesome.
September 19, 2011 at 1:56 am
http://www.ebay.com/itm/Haunted-Khodam-Angel-wants-next-President-/260846099575?pt=LH_DefaultDomain_0&hash=item3cbba39c77#ht_514wt_1185
Do YOU have $10,000,000.00 to spend? Do YOU want to be the next president? Well, there’s your link!!
*facepalm* do people actually buy this bullshit?
September 19, 2011 at 2:34 am
September 19, 2011 at 4:12 am
BILLY MAYS HERE WITH THE VAMPIRE TRANSFORMATION SPELL.
That’s what I thought of when I was reading it.
September 19, 2011 at 8:41 am
Billy? Oh geez guys, the immortality thing works!
September 19, 2011 at 5:48 am
No where did I see the words “glittery” or “high school”.
On a slightly unrelated note, there are some vampires in the game Fallout 3. They like to live in an abandoned subway station. And they get all pissed off if you call them crazy. The dont sparkle either.
September 19, 2011 at 8:03 am
They really believe that themselves, don’t they?
September 19, 2011 at 1:06 pm
I just bought the spell…man o man..I just can’t decide which of my new found abilities should I use first??!!!.. am really disappointed that I don’t sparkle in the sunlight..damn !:-/
September 19, 2011 at 2:53 pm
Lost my comment virginity just to ask…was I the only one completely charmed by “Don’t worry, Ebay has spells to help with that.” I feel like I should be able to work that into almost any conversation.
September 19, 2011 at 2:54 pm
That was supposed to be a question. **…with that”?
September 20, 2011 at 11:05 am
I guess it’s the witch version of, “There’s an app for that.”
September 19, 2011 at 8:11 pm
Getting pure pale white skin by staying in doors all day with heavy blankets over the windows – rent, plus blankets and tacks.
Wearing black wrap-around shades hiding your eyes entirely – $25.
Having your boyfriend totally nom-nom on your neck – free.
Yeah, I’m livin’ the vampyre life.
March 10, 2012 at 9:10 pm
I bet it normal for most people selling things for money, depend on people itself, but I tend to worked hard by myself and try everything. there also few people tend to help, recently, I totally indebted to one immortal vampire who kindly share ancient dark rituals on certain website, for free.
but since it risky, only few brave people able to accept the challenge. I can share them at
clyde.saint@yahoo.com