- Submitted by Cappy Sue
While there are a few people I wouldn’t mind seeing immortalized this way, I doubt there’s any good place in my house to display such art. I don’t want to make my guests uncomfortable.
Maybe on the wall opposite the toilet. Yeah. Perfect.
So you can scare the shit out of them? (Ba-dum psh!)
Yeah, I have a grandma whose chest I am probably going to have to plunge a stake into at her funeral JUST TO BE SURE, so there is a market…
Thanks to this artist, you no longer have to actually kill the people you hate to enjoy a detailed, lingering view of their final horror.
This artist is saving lives. This artist deserves some kind of major award.
Truly, a glowing testimonial!
I almost wish this wasn’t an old listing so I could email and see if I could get some spec work.
5 days is old?
Advertising: you’re doing it wrong
Doesn’t even say what the portrait is done in..blood? If blood is it menstrual, placenta or other? It certainly can’t be something as non-unique as oils or pastels.
Hijackers? What about communism? Way more people die of communism than die from hijackers. Well, I don’t know for sure, but I think that should be included.
Yeah, I have at least 2000 family members who died from communism, and I’m actually dying of communism right now, so I am deeply offended that it wasn’t included.
The title says diseased loved ones. Everyone knows communism doesn’t cause disease, only hijackers, aids or accidents can do that.
I’d request scathing herpes, Bin Laden, and an unfortunate tear from an improperly inserted anal foxtail plug.
Oh, and I’d like Jesus on a unicorn riding a surfboard as the background.
I really want a portrait of Paris Hilton being impaled on the movie House of Wax, but for even 50 dollars that’s asking too much. I can just buy the dvd in the 5 dollar bin at WalMart and be just as sad that it didn’t happen in real life.
Did you ever see “Repo! The Genetic Opera”?
In that movie, her face keeps peeling off. It’s pretty awesome.
Yes!!!! So awesome
I really really wish there were example images.
Exactly. How do I know that he or she is going to be able to convincingly portray the last moments of an ebola infection?
Or even the actual look of fear? It’s a hard one to capture.
Nah, it’s easy:
Can I get one of Hitler? Oooh or maybe Bin Laden or Saddam?
Easy to think up… Hitler was playing solitare, Bin Laden a roaring game of Wii with a box of porn nearby and Saddam was listening to his walkman in his boxers.
Only on an oyster shell.
I heard that Bin Laden was actually on Twitter in his last moments: “Ooh, yeah, Condi’s SUCH a hottie! Oh, someone’s at the door. brb.”
What is it with terrorists and Condi Rice? Really. She’s a nice girl! She’s not interested in guys who blow up civilians! Get a grip!
Yeah, he’d have to turn to Laura Bush for that.
Just what I always wanted a portrait of my beloved family members last breath in their hospital bed, so I can remember that traumatic and awful day for the rest of my life.
Although it would be good as a threat to someone you hate!
of course! who wouldn’t want to capture the image of grandma enid’s scared little face as she realized she was about to pass, tears of fright springing to her soon vacant eyes? maybe for an extra five bucks the artist will paint in a speech bubble so we can memorialize grammy’s last words, “i’m not ready to d–”
How about that lumpy hospital pillow descending on her, with a relative’s beady little eyes peering over the edge?
Right, cause it can’t be natural causes. Murder it is!
And to be able to immortalize, forever, the look of horror and disbelief on your loved one’s face as they take in their fate is only the icing on the cake, right? Sign me UP.
… Diseased or deceased?
You beat me to it; I logged in to say that this should be tagged ‘Derp’ as well.
To the topic: I loved that ghoulish hell-speak. If I had room for useless shit, I would definitely consider passing myself off as my dead sister and ordering a morbidtastic portrait of my own.
The only way this could be better would be if she would paint people’s dead loved ones getting fucked by John Cena.
“handbook for the recently diseased.” “it says deceased.” easy mistake to make or something or other. stay in school kids.
I was thinking it made sense, since he will be capturing their struggle’s end, and maybe it was disease that caused that struggle.
It’s possible I’m right, since he doesn’t make spelling errors very much in the blurb, and he does also babble with inappropriate zeal about the dying experience.
You think they would do my great aunt who was decapitated by a semi trailer? My uncle would appreciate that I think.
Ooh! I have a friend whose step-dad was decapitated in a car accident when the ladder from the truck in front of him came through the windshield. It was like a really bad scene from final destination. I bet that would make an awesome X-mas present! We’ll call it “What was the last thing that went thru Dave’ head before he died?” (*the ladder)
“Don’t be sad Mom, you can look at this and remember his final moments forever!”
(file under “Things that Make You Go WHAT THE UNHOLY BARKING FUCK”)
April’s would probably look like this:
I’m sorry, the work of art that I call imagination is conjuring up more vodka, less posing and a few more pills scattered around… but that’s just me
“April Winchell, the person who brought the whimsicle into people’s lives through Regretsy, died in a somewhat fitting tragedy. She was pondering what the hot WTF Etsy item for 2012 would be, when she was crushed by the world’s largest piece of tampon art. The art piece was created from billions of used products and featured a moustache made of human hair and a monocle made with steampunk octopus pendants.”
Stay away from potentially dangerous hovering tampon art! This has been a PSA brought to you by Regretsy followers.
You forgot the delightful ass plug made of faux fox fur. How could any sculpture be complete without it…
It’s a shame we can’t contact her with commercial interests because I know of a Cymbalta commercial she might be interested in seeing.
Don’t do it! Cymbalta gave me really fucked up dreams when I was on it- you’ll just encourage her…!
“It seems like more than ever, our loved ones are taken from us too early”? Hmm, there I was thinking it was worse 150 years ago when everyone died of tuberculosis…
…before the age of 12.
During the industrial revolution you had a 50% chance of seeing your fifth birthday. YAY!
The Black Plague was a left wing cover-up!
One of my coworkers tried to tell me that “there’s no such thing as leprosy,” so that’s probably not much of a reach for some people!
I trust you’re planning to use some of this past weekend’s Twitter fuckery/trolling to further enlighten your coworker?
I don’t suppose it’s possible that s/he was referring to the fact that it’s called Hanson’s Disease now?
What! Why, did those three pretty brothers catch leprosy? tsk tsk tsk, that is sad.
I have a friend who doesn’t believe that vaccines are important because she’s never met anyone that had an illness a vaccine could have prevented (to summarize her bizarre rant). My mother’s a polio survivor. Yeah.
@kat Karma for their “music.”
So, Cookbooks, your friend believes that because vaccines do their job she doesn’t need a vaccine? I hope you have your stupid vaccine because this person may be a carrier.
This guy must be a blast at parties.
I’m surprised he hasn’t set up on a boardwalk somewhere by now.
Oren!!! that is brilliant haha
“No, Oren. I don’t know how I’m going to die. Wait. Are you asking me or telling me??”
Oh, that’s a very nice portrait of Aunt Sue there. And it only cost fifty bucks? That expression is truly horrifying, and what a decorating risk to put it in the kids nursery! And how tasteful to have Christ on the cross in the background… I’m going to go drink this fifth of vodka now.
“Mommy what’s that?”
“Oh Honey I got you some new art for your room, it’s a picture of all of your dead family members as they were dying, to remind you that life sucks and then you die. Happy Birthday!”
Isn’t that what everyone says when they lose a loved one? “I want to remember them just like this, suffering and in torment.”
And we’ll have none of those benevolent, peaceful looking Jesuses in the background. We need the gory ones with dripping blood and the expression of agony, the kind that scares little kids in church.
Ah, Death, where is thy sting? Right here on CL for $50 – step right up, suckas!
“But before you die – you are going to know the woodsman’s ax is upon you and have no choice but to have it lodged in your cranium.
Sleep tight Junior”
Well what the hell? Let me try again:
+9000 internets to you, good sir/madam.
A fundamentalist Christian would not offer to paint Buddha in the background.
They might. But then they’d most likely be painting the person ending up in Hell. Along with Buddha.
i was really surprised you didnt highlight his sentence about the child and husband burning in hell… this guy is in a league of his own!
That’s EXACTLY the part that freaked me out the most. What was their point in putting that in? And can you imagine the woman reading this that lost her husband and child in a fiery truck crash????
That last paragraph was regretsy gold.
“Usually from disease, aids, hijackers, or accidents.”
Trolling Craigslist: What you do when you run out of Personal Ads to read.
I’ve come home to see my mother laughing maniacally. Sometimes it means she’s watching South Park, cackling and muttering that it’s so wrong that she’s watching it. Other times it means she’s reading the Craigslist Personal Ads. I think the Craigslist part has become a hobby for her and a couple of her friends. It’s really kind of scary.
I can’t get past the headline.
“Portraits of your DISEASED loved ones”
“Honey, auntie June may have leprosy that isn’t responding to treatment, but that doesn’t mean we can’t take pictures of her and pretend we work in a skin disease clinic! We’ll save you all that money on medical school, too! Honey? Honey- where are you going… Sweetie?…”
Is it supposed to be deceased loved one?? so weird.
How about that last bit about guilting you into thinking that you might go to heaven while your loved ones rot in hell? Makes me wonder if my very Catholic mother had anything to do with this.
Sounds more like the Latter Day Saints… “sorry, we’re full up!”
I thought the LDS people had continuous baptisms for everyone who ever died so that they could go to heaven. Isn’t it the Jehovah’s Witnesses who had a cutoff of 144K?
This is why they have the worst marketing EVER!
Yup, it is. They think everyone else that was good will be resurrected on earth, while the 144K chosen ones sit up there and laugh at the overcrowding, I guess. (I was raised a JW.)
Hey Spas, me too.
Could be… I have a bad habit of lumping them together.
The most convincing argument I ever heard for the nonexistance of heaven was pretty similar, i.e that anyone moral and compassionate enough to go there could never be happy knowing that other people were suffering in hell.
Not that I needed any convincing.
THAT was the most convincing argument? If Jesus had no problem with people being in hell, why should I?
Well, isn’t this artist just a ray of fucking sunshine?
No happy little trees there.
Reminds me of Kahlo’s Suicide of Dorothy Hale. Kahlo was asked to paint a portrait for the mother of a woman who had committed suicide. The result?
Frida Kahlo: painter, troll
Can’t decide if I am happy or relieved that this picture isn’t coming up for me.
I’m not looking it up, but didn’t she jump off a building on Central Park South?
Just looked. It was the Hampshire House, but the building in the painting looks like the Savoy Plaza.
I love how “diseases” and “aids” are two different classifications.
And old age. I’m no doctor, but all of the old people I’ve ever known died from some form of disease, be it cancer, complications from diabetes, etc.
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
well aids is god’s way of punishing you for visiting too many bathhouses
I’m assuming this is in “sarcasm font”
1983 wants its bigoted distancing mechanism back.
Also how they’ve put “aids” all in lowercase. Makes it appear less threatening that way, I guess . . .
It’s to distinguish it from AIDS. It’d be terrible if you commissioned a painting of Gramma being beaten to death with hearing aids and all you got was Gramma sick and frail in a hospital bed dying of AIDS. I’d want my money back!
Loved one no. Ex-husband? Yes.
My ex-husband’s not dead yet. Can I get one made anyway?
Hey, I know this guy, we’ll call him “Vinnie”, he will send you an actual photograph of the expression on your ex-husbands face right before he dies, and right after he’s dead, and as the body is being disposed of. Gonna cost you a LOT more then $50 though.
(I wrote this with the voice of Danny Vermin in my head.)
Ha! I read it with the voice of Vinnie the Panda in my head.
I’d like a picture of my husband being smothered with a pillow. Then I’ll present it to him right before bed. “this could be you tonight!”
Hang it up opposite the bed, so he can drift off to sleep staring at it.
What if the loved one didn’t see it coming? Would the artist be willing to accurately depict the intense, slack-jawed stare of a texting driver?
I’m going to be very disappointed if all he’s doing is sketching scenes from the “Final Destination” movies.
Someone is going to look at this listing and think to themselves, “Yes. Let’s do exactly this.” Let that sink in a moment.
I’d like to see a sample of the artwork before I fork over $50 to immortalize my beloved relative in hell. I definitely see some Regretsy-inspired fuckery potential here. Maybe a portrait of an evil grinning cupcake and the caption, “Enjoy Hell, Devil.” Or zombie Jesus.
Losing one loved-one after another is just plain irresponsible.
Thank you, Oscar!
The milk of human kindness has turned to stinky, stinky cheese.
There’s no way this is a legitimate service (please?).
hey! it rhymed!
it’s like a poem!
So let me see if I understand? Say my uncle is mauled to death by a bear. Is this person offering to paint a portrait of him being mauled? Or is it a portrait of him right before he’s mauled where he realizes “Holy fuck, I’m about to be mauled by a big fuckin’ bear”?
Because I may just want to submit a picture of myself and a horrible way to die to see what it would look like.
How about from the bear’s point of view? “Hmm, tasty lunch…running away…up a tree…food on a stick! Me LOVE food on a stick!”
Some how, “WTF” just doesn’t seem to cover it.
Oh St. Louis, you never fail to surprise me.
On another note, WHY would you want a loved one’s final tragic moment recreated? Isn’t that going a bit backwards on the road to getting over said tragedy?
As someone who lives here, I’m really not surprised. I’m fairly sure that there’s some sort of cosmic vortex of massive depressive disorder hanging over this town, which could explain our obsession with the blues. And why many popular musicians refuse to play here (Saint Louis citizens make for rather lack-luster audience members). On the other hand, it’s a great place to be a therapist!
Big artists don’t play here because we don’t have a big enough population. Or because they have non-union band members/back-up musicians (city of St. Louis only).
St. Louis, Misery.
Hmm, I wonder if Leno will swipe THIS post, too?
What the… WHAT? I recognize that it’s written in English, but I’m really not understanding the concept..
Oh, it’s a simple enough concept. Write controversial Craigslist ad, cross fingers and pray that you get a bunch of attention for it, get off on other people’s outrage.
Either that, or someone needs to have his meds tweaked.
When I read “I can depict them with a crucified Christ or Buddha in the background” I imagined a big ol’ smiling Buddha on a crucifix.
Commas are important, kids!
Punctuation saves lives: “Time to eat, Grandma!”
But that would make a handsome portrait for the family room.
Apostrophes can getcha too! Consider:
“While my neighbor was away last weekend I f’ed her dog”
“While my neighbor was away last weekend I fed her dog”
Capitalization is crucial as well.
“I had to help my uncle Jack off a horse.”
As did I. Then I wondered what a ‘crucified buddah’ was, and if it is the same thing. I almost want to order one to find out.
Maybe they meant Bubba. Good ol’ boy on a stick?
Deep-fried on a stick. It’s this year’s state fair special.
I thought that six months of Regretsy posts was enough to innoculate me to the extremeties of fucked-up-ness.
I was wrong.
What? I… no.
I pictured him vigorously masturbating as he wrote the last paragraph
Oh goodness, I don’t think so, dear. I mean, that would be fucked up.
I don’t know about loved ones, but I would gladly pay that much to see the look on my old boss’ face right before she got hit by a bus ! ( She has not been hit by a bus, but a girl can dream, right ? )
I’d be interested to learn how many people die of “hijacking” in the US each year, it doesn’t seem like it has reached epidemic proportions. Maybe the artist is South African, it’s a bigger issue there.
A bunch of people died 10 years ago. Maybe he’s hinting that he really wants to paint someone’s loved one plummeting from one of the Twin Towers?
This just seems so wrong. I mean, sure, I’d love a picture of my grandmother in agony as she was dying from her lung cancer.. But honestly, I don’t think I really want to know what that would look like.
I’d imagine tub girl, because there’s an awful lot of diarrhea involved with chemo-therapy.
I would like the artist to draw me envisioning my afterlife, at the moment of my death.
But I want him to add in portraits of all the pets who predeceased me, sitting up on clouds with little angel wings, crying tears of glitter because I’ll be in hell without them.
Then I’ll leave instructions in my will to print quality copies of this artwork, and deliver it to churches everywhere with the caption:
WHAT KIND OF GOD WOULD DO THIS TO INNOCENT PUPPIES?
If that’s not the makings of a WTF Alchemy request, I don’t know what is.
I read somewhere that if you look deep into Michele Bachman’s eyes you see your worst fear.
Or your soul will dissolve.
@Nancy Shrew: yeah. Michele Bachman as president.
those last few sentences should have been highlighted!!
Here I was thinking “This sounds like someone I know…” and low and behold, this is from St. Louis. The search is on for which one of my boyfriend’s “talented” goth “artistes” this is.
Holy crap this would be great as an inappropriate 9/11 memorial gift! I can see it now: some poor, doomed soul screaming in horror with a crucified Buddha in the background and the flames of eternal damnation rising up all around him – nothing says “my condolences on the loss of your loved one” like capturing their final moment of pain and horror.
Add the “photograph” from the National Enquirer showing Satan in the smoke billowing down and you’ve got a OOAK gift of indescrible WTF?
Yeah, a painting of my husband’s best friend Larry, sitting up in bed with a “surprised” look on his face as someone shoots him in the head is just the thing my living room needs.
I’ve already got a set of photos of my dad in the hospital while he was dying; face bruised and asleep with his mouth open – very similar to what he looked like after he died.
Poor Larry. :/
Poor King Buzzkill Crying Glitter Eagle (or was that your married name?)
No, his name is Big Dick Fire Eagle.
God Damnit….I hate it when hijackers kill my relatives.
I think someone forgot to refill their meds.
I would only want this product if they were able to do it as a sampler
OR, if they would knit my loved one’s pained expression onto the back of a balaclava
There is so much abject weirdness going on in that ad, it HAD to be a prank/joke
There are no words for how awesome that picture is.
Ah, how the Rapture was prevented, if I recall correctly.
Shouldn’t he be driving his car into Jesus?
A lasting portrait of Mamaw doing barrel rolls in her Gulfstream, guzzling whiskey from a jug, is infinitely better than her face on a clock.
I do not even have any snarky comments. This is simply the best thing I have ever read.
I try not to swear online, but I have to say it. That is the most fucked up thing I’ve ever read.
If this person goes to “heaven”, I pick the dark, abysmal oblivion.
I’m not sure why most of you are taking this seriously. This is obviously a joke – a very dark, and very brilliant one. The last sentence is as good a giveaway as one should need.
I agree. It looks to me as someone with something to say. People in his/her world probably quit listening long ago.
I’m not sure I’d go so far as to call it “brilliant,” but I agree that the chances of this being sincere are pretty slim.
Dark, sure. “Brilliant”, I’m not getting. It doesn’t have the edge of satire, or the sparkle of wit, it’s just some guy being tasteless and hoping people will react in some way. The artistic equivalent of poking someone with a stick and laughing loudly.
keep an eye on sites like perry cooler, he does a lot of this crap on CL.
Perhaps the nut should consider a self portrait!
St. Louis- surprising source of fuckery since before you were born.
Can I get Phred Felps and Marcus Bachman, being shot after being caught in bed by a jealous Michelle?
I’d pitch in $5 for this.
Perhaps we should introduce the artist to fiverr? I’m sure iwth the quantity of requests we can send his way could make him far more money than a single craigslist listing.
Does it have to be a loved one?
Can’t I get Jerry Falwell?
I’m sure he was somebody’s love one, so… Eh, why not? As long as there are crucified Buddhas smiling down upon him.
You mean I can get a picture of my dad shitting his pants as his plane goes down in flames? That would satisfy so many of my fetishes at once! It is truly a time-saver.
Also it would serve as an excellent example of what sort of face a person makes while shitting their pants. I never have a mirror close by when it happens to me.
I’m so glad I just moved to STL.
Hmm…I think we may be overlooking a practical use for this:
If the person was murdered, and the culprit is not yet identified, we might be able to zoom in and sharpen the resolution of the artist’s painting to see if we can get a reflection on the victim’s eyeball of the murderer’s face!
This person and their artistic conjecture ability might just well be what CSI needs!
haha, I KNEW I was forgetting a word there…
Choose my excuse:
a) not enough vodka
b) too much vodka
c) not enough sleep
d) not enough coffee
e) all of the above
Oh hehe I wasn’t correcting, just quoting Super Troopers. Sorry I forget that not everyone can hear the running dialogue in my head.
I have that same problem with the old Warner Bros cartoons. Very few people ever know WTF I’m talking about around all the Bugs and Daffy quotes
Lookin’ all SWAY-vee and non-SHALLANT
I wonder if he does animals. I hit an armadillo once, I should commission him to paint one with the reflection of Buick Regal in its eye so I can drive around with it mounted on the front bumper as a warning, like one of those sonic deer repellents.
I’ve just had to explain to my 3 year old daughter that Brown Bunny isn’t very well and Daddy might have to ‘take him away’. I could get a picture of Brown Bunny with the descending shovel reflected in his swollen Myxi eyes for when she’s old enough to understand. Shovel or shotgun, he hasn’t decided yet.
I can’t believe that got thumbs downed. Way too many pussies ’round these parts lately.
Thank you. I carefully explained that Brown Bunny wasn’t well and would probably die etc. She looked at me, said “I don’t like Brown Bunny” and then asked me to put the television on. That’s my girl!
Tell me about it.
Can’t tell if trolling….either way, remind me never to move to St.Louis.
Fuck people who write shit like this. How many of these do they think they are going to sell by asking you to imagine your loved ones rotting and burning in hell, and offering to capture the look of horror on their face as they died? WTF? Fucking sick freak.
Go ahead, give me a thumbs down. See if I really fucking care.
If you really didn’t care, you wouldn’t have felt the need to comment on it.
Okay, I want to retract this statement – thumb me down, please.
Gently remove the ass-hook thong underwear and step away from the keyboard. Or the other way around. Either one works.
ah, I love the smell of pwned troll in the morning
Pretty much anytime is a great time for pwned troll
Somehow spending a week sorting through my dead mother’s things hasn’t put me in the mood for envisioning my loved ones rotting in the ground or burning in hell. So sue me.
Ah. I thought that response sounded a bit raw. Sympathy. Sometimes it’s hard to find the snark.
Oh, fluffysue – I’m really sorry.
The rationale for thumbsdowning this escapes me.
Yeah, I’m not entirely sure either. Maybe because folks around here like replies that are humorous, mocking, racy, witty, or even disgusted . . . but not angry. And usually I’d agree about the anger bit except that in this case, it turns out that fluffysue has a really, REALLY good reason to be upset here. When you lose a close family member, you get a free pass.
So anyway, I think I’ll go and at least negate a couple of thumbs down by thumbing them up.
Maybe they really weren’t seeking sales and just wanted to use the listing as a vehicle to showcase their writing ability and their imagination.
Well, that was a bad idea then, wasn’t it?
This can’t possibly be real. Anyone else think it sounds a little like one of the lost Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy? It’s got the same kind of bizarro stream-of-consciousness thing going for it, with a big heaping portion of the macabre.
But assuming it is real, if I lived in St. Louis I’d watch out for this guy.
I feel the depth of the listing, but I guess some would see me as insensitive because I appreciate it in a different way…I think once you get to an age where you confront your own death, the end of you, where life goes on as it has forever and you are no longer here, and when you come to the realization, understanding and acceptance of how much little thought we give to the populations that lived 100 years ago, the love, flesh and beating hearts of 200 years ago, 500 years ago…things like what is written in that listing, aren’t so shocking and don’t bother you as much. Laughable, is what lengths people will go to for $50 or even $4.
“Disease, aids, hijackers, or accidents”–technically…technically, only two of those can be called “unnatural causes”.
Also, I’m basically picturing a series of Edvard Munch’s “The Scream” ripoffs altered slightly to have your diseased loved one’s hair colour and clothes.
The look on my grandmother’s face when the doctor told her she had lumbago was priceless.
For those who claim this is a “brilliant” joke with something to say, my question is simple. What is it? I guess I’m not getting the scathing social commentary hidden amongst the bizarre evangelism, paranoia, insensitivity, a political buzzwords. Perhaps I’m too naive, uneducated in the finer points of Craigslist based philosophy, but I implore you…help me out.
P.S. if it’s a magic eye thing where I have to relax my eye muscles to see it, forget it, those have never worked for me.
I think it’s just a whole bunch of crazy sauce.
I read it as a satire of websites like Our Missing Angels that paradoxically combine horrific photos of dead infants with syrupy religious platitudes, or of grief profiteers in general (Nancy Grace, the funeral industry, etc.) Please be satire.
No, no . . . not a magic eye . . . What’s that thing that spells the same backwards as forwards?
Go hang a salami, I’m a lasagna hog
On a clover, if alive, erupts a vast, pure evil; a fire volcano.
Those are awesome.
But a palindrome of Bolton would be Notlob.
Yay! I was hoping someone would get the reference and I wouldn’t look like too much of an idiot.
At least not for that reason, anyway.
I sometimes say I live in Notlob.
When we moved here from London, we and various friends giggled stupidly.
This just in –
Disease-ridden hijackers have crucified Buddha.
Though details at this time are sketchy, it appears a group of people at death’s door accidentally met on CraigsList, became worried about the price their relatives would have to pay for post-mortem portraits and decided to try to avoid going to Hell by permanently removing the glint from the revered one’s eyes and replace it with a rictus of shock and pain to ensure their place in Heaven.
More on this and what it means for your weekend at 11!
This artist is awfully strict! Your loved one can only have died in one of four ways (three, really) and, depending on their religious affiliation, can choose one of two deities. And yet, s/he does not provide a suggested breakdown by religious affiliation?
Christians – Jesus
Buddhists – Buddha
Muslims – Jesus
Jews – Buddha (so no one feels awkward)
Hindus – Buddha AND Jesus…looking sort of lonely
Atheists – YOU GET NOTHING PICK A LANE
Flying Spaghetti Monster -Buddha…with meatballs
aaaaand I’m out of religions.
Agnostics – Buddha. No, Jesus. No, both. Wait, I mean neither. Dammit, I can’t decide.
Wiccans – Buddha
Why don’t we just bring back death masks?
On behalf of all of St. Louis, we are truly embarrassed. We’ll be hunting this one down and putting him back in his closet soon.
Disease, aids, hijackers or accidents.
ayup. that pretty much covers everything that could happen.
Yeah, they forgot ‘death by crazy ass Craigslist sellers.’ Easy mistake.
Fine, don’t let me post any explanation, just ban me for thinking the person who created this listing was disturbed….I forgot I am only allowed to be snarky, not angry. Whatever.
Sure, THIS went through….
Wait, you can get comments banned now?? When did this happen?
I don’t think you can. Sometimes they just don’t post first time, because of Reasons. Or possibly as a result of Causes.
There may be some Factors involved as well.
Possibilities and Instances can really screw up a post too
Yeah, the situations don’t help either..
And I’m sure that if you agree to meet this super awesome example of humanity, they will not have to “conjecture” the “specific expression” you make as you realize, with horror, that this crazy fuck is going to knife your ass.
Seriously, this is the kind of shit that keeps me adamant about bringing a friend to any and all Craigslist transactions.
THIS PERSON IS SO NOT INVITED TO MY COCKTAIL PARTIES!
Isn’t it a pity to see what obviously would have been a truly promising career in grief counseling is dashed and shattered in favor of being an “artist”? Thank God, this person found Etsy so that the love and the art could both blossom! Good times.
“Bring out your dead!”
I’m not dead!
Shut up, and get on the cart!
I think I’ll go for a walk. I feel happy!
When Emos go artsy…Tonight at 11:00.
Why do I think this ad is posing for a screaming tirade of religious bullshit hidden underneath a horrifying picture.
Maybe I read too many In-N_Out cups.
No, this person seems WAY too thrilled with the “terror and pain” of hell.
Woohoo! Just saw this on FARK!
Who would have thought, FARK and Regretsy reach the same audience!
What a little ray of sunshine. I bet this guy’s a real hit at parties.
Usuallly I don’t feel good about snarking in public (I save it for inside my head, or sharing with a few choice family members–I have no problem with internally laughing at bad crap) but this…. this makes me sick. WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE. SOME of us lived for YEARS AND YEARS in terror of that ‘ultimate pain everlasting’ after death. Ok, it was me. My parents taught my that the world would end in May. Yeah, they were some of those people (though thankfully they didn’t do anything idiotic like give away their possessions or savings. Not with ten kids they didn’t. Not that they seemed to have given a single thought to the possibility of us kids believing we had no future ACTUALLY SCREWING UP US AND OUR LIVES). …Um, yeah. Rant over. For now.
Buddha on a stick.
“I often do portraits of living persons and celebrities but am willing to put that aside for now.”
How noble and magnanimous of you, Batshit Crazy Guy. Living people? Where is the artistic challenge in that? Much more thrilling to paint the look of horror and “glint in his or her eye” (what the fuckity fuck?) of someone dying.
My husband died in his late 30′s, so this is beyond creepy to me. If it is a joke, I don’t get it. I hope this psycho goes to a “dark, abysmal oblivion” or a locked psych ward – the sooner the better.
I can’t believe it. I have just been witness to The Craziest Thing. It’s beautiful.
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