I used to shop at HailMart™ until they started doing those Holy Rollbacks.

Your hair may be held at a government facility for several weeks, but you can still talk to it through the glass.

Is there anything better than a personolized apple? Besides a persololized one, I mean? If I could just get a trolololized one, I’d be pretty fucking psyched.

Oh, I’m pretty sure there’s enough jerking going on Burning Man. Especially at the Jiffy Lube Camp.

Okay, it’s not a mouse. But in their defense, it may have been mislabeled on Alibaba.

I love breaded leather almost as much as I love suede-ish meatballs.

The only way this thing is going to increase your sexual power is if you pick it up without using your hands.

Earlier today, Etsy had a major outage:

Sorry, a hiccuppy burpy-poo from too much Jones Soda.

They blamed the earthquake, but I thought you could do better. So I challenged you to Tweet your best excuses for Etsy going offline.

Something like this, for example:

Well as usual, you never disappoint me. You Tweeted hundreds of replies, some of which caused me to make a very unattractive snorting noise. Fortunately Bronc had headphones on, so the less said about this the better.

Here are 38 of my favorites. It was tough, but I chose three winners, and I’ve labeled them in this gallery. If your tweet is a winner, email me and I’ll send you some piece of shit from this box in my office.

To view and comment on each entry, click on the image and it will open in a new page. To see the next photo, click on the picture or click “Next” at the top of the page.

This site is no accident, though it may appear that way. It takes many hours of sitting around looking at shit to make this dream a reality, and I am only too happy to do it. And after almost two years, I am happy to report that I’m now fused to my chair, and have to be washed by an aide.

But if you stop and think about what I write (which is more than I do), you’ll realize that I am basically shopping all day long. Almost everything I see is for sale, and I have Paypal. YOU DO THE MATH

There are consequences to doing this of course, and my house is the end result. In fact, last Wednesday I realized that my shopping for awesome had reached critical mass: I am now regularly purchasing at least one completely unnecessary object every week. Fortunately, I’m a little OCD about tidying and organizing, so it’s not really hoarding. It’s not like I have dead cats in my kitchen. I have them in the craft room, organized by color.

Here then, is today’s Awesome Purchase of the Week™, which just arrived yesterday.

I’m not able to fully articulate the majesty of this fucking thing. So I’m not going to try. All I can say is that I need to figure out what kind of cookies should go in Spock’s torso, so if you have any ideas about that, let me know.

While we’re in the kitchen, let me show you some of my other prizes.

This is “F. Scott Fetchgerald,” from Chet Phillips’ Literary Pets Collection. Sully, my own Boston Terrier, can’t write novels. Which is just as well, because they’d all be about smelling the oven door and throwing up in the hallway.

Chet Phillips is magical. We bought a pack of his Union of Superlative Heroes trading cards for a friend last Christmas, and it was very difficut to part with them. I am currently eyeing his portrait gallery of Steampunk Monkeys.

This is a magnet mosaic on the side of our refrigerator (we got tired of looking at coupons for Bed Bath & Beyond, and art by children whose parents we don’t like). It’s made from thousands of magnetized squares that can be arranged like pixels to look like a variety of different people and objects. This particular set can also be used to make Audrey Hepburn, Jack Nicholson from The Shining, the Mona Lisa and Gene Simmons.

And finally, two treasures I would save in a fire:

First, a jewel in my novelty cross stitch collection, which I originally bought as a gift for a friend.

Fuck him. I don’t need friends that bad.

And last but not least, my hopping Bill Nighy toy. Artist John Larriva makes these by sculpting a realistic head, topping it with a tiny, handmade wig, and affixing it to the inner workings of an old wind-up toy. The result is purely horrfying.

- See a video of this thing in action here, and don’t say I didn’t warn you

I’m currently trying to decide whether I should buy everything Larriva makes or buy food for my dogs. I figure as soon as Sully finishes his manuscript, he’s on his own.

Shopping Guide:

• Spock cookie jar by Neatorama
• F. Scott Fetchgerald print by by Chet Phillips
• Refrigerator magnet artwork set by Motifo
• Stripping sampler by Stitch Out Loud
• “Billgoblin” hopping Bill Nighy toy by Larriva