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This post first appeared on Regretsy on September 15, 2010
Forever capture the moment your child choked on a lozenge and fell down the stairs.
Monthly Archives: August 2011
Just a few updates on our Finnish Kickstarter project.
First of all, thank you for getting us off to an amazing start. We are more than 21% funded in less than 24 hours, which is asstastic. I don’t do a lot of smart things in life, but putting this thing up on a Friday when all of you were drinking certainly demonstrated an understanding of my demographic.
We are already featured as one of Kickstarter’s hottest projects. It’s awesome until you look at some of the other stuff that’s hot right now:
No, I totally made that up. But it’s not far from the truth.
Anyway, here are the updates:
MORE PRINTED COPIES AVAILABLE: To my surprise, I ran out of books pretty fast yesterday. I thought you crunchy bastards would prefer pdfs, since they’re so much easier to throw away. But God love you, you want to see trees die for this bullshit, and I will not say you nay. So 200 more copies have been made available, and are now listed in the rewards section.
Don’t panic! If you already bought something you didn’t really want because you couldn’t get a printed copy, you can change your pledge. Look for “MANAGE YOUR PLEDGE” and then you can, well, manage your pledge.
FINS ARE FRIENDLESS: I’m trying to throw a party for 6 of you in Helsinki, but according to some intel I got yesterday, Finnish people do not have friends.
To make this easier, I broke down the top reward and now you can just pay for yourself. I limited the party to 20 people total, but I’ll throw this clambake even if only one of you buys in. In fact, we might all go over to your place afterward and watch Digiviihde.
WHY $50,000?: It’s simple really. When I travel abroad, I only wipe my ass with fur. That shit adds up.
Actually, here’s what happens to the funds we collect:
• Kickstarter takes a percentage
• Amazon Payments takes a percentage
• The artists we’ve hired to illustrate the book will be paid
• Books will be printed and other merchandise made
• A percentage will be used to fund our charitable projects*
• Two round trip tickets to Finland
• One small piece of fur for ass wiping purposes
*I don’t mention the charity aspect on Kickstarter, because they don’t want you to talk about that stuff over there. I guess they can’t vet everyone who submits a proposal, and for all they know you’re a lying sack of crap trying to get rich on someone else’s misery.
And finally…
From: SOME FINNISH FUCKER
Date: August 27, 2011 8:27:11 AM PDT
Subject: Finland
To: Helen@regretsy.comAs a Finnish American, I support your cause!
I do have some tips for enjoying this relatively boring country:
1. Delight in every single Finn you meet who will ask you, in the same suspicious tone, “Why did you come to Finland?”
2. Koskenkorva is the thing to drink. It’s a grain alcohol.
3. Karjalanpiirakat is the thing to eat. It’s a “rice pasty”.
4. Learn the most commonly used Finnish cuss word: Perkele! What’s especially awesome about this is that Perkele is the ancient Finnish god of thunder.
5. Beware of walking around any city on a Sunday morning as the sidewalks are covered in vomit. This is no joke.
To buy a book and help pay for our goodwill tour of Finland, visit our Kickstarter page here
Regretsy is extremely popular in Finland. Or it used it be, before hockey season started.
We don’t know why. We aren’t Finnish, we don’t speak the language and rarely blog about ice fishing. We can only imagine it has something to do with our shared love of vodka and staying indoors as much as possible.
Naturally, we’re curious. But we’re also American. We can’t be expected to learn about someone else’s history and customs and things. Oh, we looked at Wikipedia, but we lost interest when they started talking about the food.
Wouldn’t it be more fun if we just came out there? We could stop by your job, or come over and drink milk right out of the container. We’d have so much fun with you this winter; especially around the holidays, when it’s minus 600 degrees and everyone just wants to die.
But how to get there? It takes a lot of juusto to get to Helsinki, especially now that they use Euros instead of pelts.
Then I had an idea.
What if I wrote a book of fabricated Finnish folktales, hired some of your favorite Regretsy artists to illustrate it, and sold it in both e-book versions and a limited edition hard copy? Wouldn’t that be a fabulous addition to your burgeoning library of Finnish literature? I think so! In fact, next to that dog-eared copy of Karpin Keittokirja, it’ll be the most valuable book in your collection!
And the best part is, since I’m just making the whole thing up, I don’t even have to research anything. That means I’ll have more time to drink myself to death, just like our Finnish friends. You see?
I’ve also added some great premiums, including a bonus audio track, a personal phone call or handwritten note from me to you, and an autographed copy of the Regretsy book, published by Random House.
And for the high rollers, I’ve got a super special reward: You and 5 of your friends can have lunch with me and 5 of my friends at a restaurant in Helsinki, and I’ll pick up the tab! And that includes drinks, virtually guaranteeing that lunch will cost more than the entire trip.
Even if you don’t live in Finland or don’t know how to read, you’ll still get entertainment value out of this project. We’ll be documenting all our adventures with photos and videos, so you can see our goodwill tour unfold, and have a front row seat for our inevitable arrest and imprisonment.
Pidän hirvipihivistä!
Click here to spend the best five bucks you ever spent in your life, unless you bought a video of Dancing Dror on fiverr. We can’t compete with that.
UPDATE: I have been informed that Finnish people do not have friends, so I’ve made a change to the top reward.
Instead of having to pledge for five of your friends, you can now buy an individual seat at our Helsinki dinner party. Fourteen of you and six of us, and all the booze we can drink before being asked to leave by the Mounted Moose Patrol.
You will get a signed hard copy of Regretsy’s Fabricated Finnish Folktales, a signed copy of the Regretsy book published by Random House and an exclusive bonus gift. This event will be scheduled in early December at a restaurant to be decided after funding.
