HASN’T STEVE JOBS BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH THIS WEEK

Through the magic of computer fuckery, we have surrounded Dancing Dror with some of the handmade finery you can buy RIGHT DAMN NOW in the April’s Army charity shop on Etsy!

April’s Army is one of the largest teams on Etsy, and is comprised entirely of Regretsy members. During the last week of each month, participating sellers set aside at least one handmade item to benefit Regretsy’s charity fund. ALL profits go directly to the person in need.

Last month, the team raised over $8,000 for Mary, an Etsy seller who was about to lose her house. Your generosity helped bring our total raised for charitable purposes to over $100,000. So, fuck you.

While we’ve been focused mainly on helping people get a fresh start, this month we’re raising money to benefit someone in an entirely different way.

Carli is a recent high school graduate with a passion for cosmetology. Her father has remarried and started a new family, and her mother is a single parent with little help. Rather than add another burden to her mother’s financial situation, Carli has decided to put herself through beauty school.

Now, I don’t know what kind of drive and focus you had as a teenager, but this wasn’t me. I was too busy being bored and stoned and hating my parents because they wouldn’t turn on the air conditioning. So the idea of a young woman earning her tuition by knitting and drawing and selling her work on Etsy sounds like a different species.

She has selected a Paul Mitchell partner school in her area for a variety of reasons, one of which is that she believes this will open more doors for her than coming from a community college or occupational school. And this is another reason I want to help Carli; she is already looking down the road at her chances of being hired by the Walt Disney company, her eventual goal. And between here and there, she hopes to work at a boutique at Disneyland that turns little girls into princesses.

I love the idea of starting a motivated young person off on a creative career. So this month, we are going to try to raise half of Carli’s tuition, and send her off to school with a brown bag of fuckery and a kick in the ass.

If you would like to be a part of this effort, there are two ways you can help.

1. Visit Carli’s Etsy store, and purchase something directly from her.

2. Visit April’s Army on Etsy and take a look at the handmade merchandise being sold specifically to benefit Carli. A great group of talented sellers have given so much of themselves, and there are some incredible things for sale.

Even if you can’t afford to buy anything or don’t see something you want, please take a moment to visit these stores and show some love for these sellers. They have been unbelievably generous with their time and talent. And you can always share the link to the April’s Army Etsy store!

And click here to like April’s Army on Facebook, and get news, updates and sneak peeks of upcoming inventory!

Thanks for your kindness and support.

UPDATE: We would like to wish Dancing Dror a speedy recovery from a injury that has left him unable to dance for your slack-jawed pleasure. In the meantime, you can see him featured here on the CNET Buzz report, which kindly credits us for his internet superstar status. The Israeli man candy hits the floor at about 5:34.

It’s no secret at this point that I enjoy looking at men in their underpants.

Well, let me rephrase that. I love looking at men in strange underpants. The weirder and more inexplicable the design, the more I like it. It’s not a sexual thing, it’s more that I can’t believe someone thinks that looks sexy.

One of my favorites in this category was the Heartbreak Clown Thong:

Is that fantastic or what? I’m not even going to talk about cream pies and squirting flowers. You can fill all that in for yourself. No, I liked this because I enjoyed pretending it was Dane Cook, and it was the only job he could get after Good Luck Chuck.

But more importantly, who the hell would buy something like this?

Oh wait, never mind.

And then there was this little number, which goes by the name of “Balls Out.” It’s designed to allow your nutsack flop out so you look like an old guy on the bus, going to his proctologist appointment.

IS IT HOT IN HERE OR IS IT YOU

But today I have one for you that is so special I can barely put my enthusiasm into words. May I present… THE CHANGED MAN BIKINI:

How about that action? I expect these to sell out pretty fast. After all, who doesn’t want their balls look like a baboon’s ass?

The manufacturer refers to this as their “best selling vagina-style suit,” and says it allows you to get in touch with your feminine side by “creating a virtual pussy out of your cock.” Trés Matrix!

First of all, what is “vagina-style?” Is that the opposite of “Big Willie Style?” And where would you wear this, exactly? The gym? Maybe your neighbor’s Labor Day party? How about just lounging around the pool at the Sheraton? That wouldn’t be weird, would it?

I’m not getting it. Maybe a closer look will give you an idea.

Me neither.

I guess I’m not the target market, but I don’t see anything remotely hot about crushing your junk with an elastic strap so it looks like you have an enormous, inflamed camel toe.

Maybe it’s a Halloween thing. I hear Kim Kardashian is a pretty hot costume this year.

- Buy your own Changed Man suit here. I dare you.

Let me get this straight. You want beverages and a ride in your own car? And I’ll get babysitting money? I’ll be right there, Mrs. Brady!

Jesus Christ. Even on drugs lesbians are boring.