CSI REGRETSY
Last night, I got this tweet:
Right away, I started to feel a sense of foreboding. Not just because I knew I wouldn’t get credit, but because I would now have to watch some of The Tonight Show.
I admit, sourcing interent finds can be tricky, particularly when we’re talking about something posted on Craigslist. I didn’t write that ad and I didn’t find it. It was submitted to me by a woman in Dallas who found it while looking for furniture. All I did was optimize the images and edit the copy, because my readers tend to be drunk most of the time and I have to streamline things.
So who knows? Maybe one of his 4,000 writers dug it up on their own. Maybe they stole it off another site. Or maybe a viewer submitted it to the Tonight Show, though that seems unlikely since Jay doesn’t do comedy.
It’s hard to say exactly where someone finds something online, and it’s not like you can prove it.
Or can you?
Here’s Jay Leno, the world’s richest cinderblock, sitting in the seat he stole from Conan O’Brien. He’s holding a screencap of the Craigslist ad for the placenta stained mattress.
Let’s take a closer look, shall we?
Hmmm. Well, that yellow block looks like a distinguishing characteristic. I wonder if that will help us in our investigation?
Let’s compare it to the Screencap on Regretsy.
Now, I realize this is not the only site to run this ad, and it’s probably not even the first. But that’s my Photoshop, and this where Jay Leno’s staff found the image. And if you print out a screencap that someone has already edited and optimized for you, then tell people where you got it. Fucking hell, even I do that, and I’m an asshole.
If you don’t want to give credit, then go to the original source and edit it yourself. You have an art department. I have a Boston Terrier with gas.
Don’t waste your time sending me email about how butthurt and whiny I am. I can barely read.
August 31, 2011 at 1:35 pm
At the end of the day, he’s still Jay Leno.
Take heart.
August 31, 2011 at 1:44 pm
that’s the way i see it. hell, i’d probably rather be khloe kardashian than jay leno, and she’s the fat one.
August 31, 2011 at 1:52 pm
At the end of the day I’d rather be Conan O’Brien – he still has a soul, even if he is a ginger
August 31, 2011 at 1:53 pm
Jay Leno shilled for Doritos – a product which sells itself. High people don’t need Jay Leno to tell them what to eat.
August 31, 2011 at 2:07 pm
I maintain and have always maintained that Jay Leno is an unfunny douchebag with a dildo where his chin should be.
I love when Letterman ranks on him.
It doesn’t surprise me that he’s a content thief as well as an asshat.
August 31, 2011 at 2:17 pm
You mean gingers have no soul unless they’re named Conan O’Brien? I am totally screwed then. Guess I need to start investing in “Enjoy Hell, Devil” stuff.
August 31, 2011 at 2:35 pm
Jay Leno was in this movie. I think it speaks for itself.
August 31, 2011 at 3:19 pm
You insult honest, hardworking dildos everywhere, Flounces! Are you really suggesting you would let Leno’s chin anywhere near your precious lady parts?
I cringe at the mere thought.
August 31, 2011 at 3:24 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
August 31, 2011 at 6:26 pm
TEAM CHELSEA FTW!!!
August 31, 2011 at 7:59 pm
jennalicious: Gingers have souls. They usually have to steal them from other people, but they have them. In Conan’s case, I think the souls were gifted to him by willing fans(I would send him one of mine but I really don’t want to break up the collection).
Dawn: I second that thought. Honestly, I don’t want any bit of that near any bit of me but especially not near my lady bits.
August 31, 2011 at 1:54 pm
You mention that you think she’s fat, but neglect to add whether she is also an ugly jealous loser. Any thoughts?
August 31, 2011 at 2:27 pm
well, i’m fat and jealous of all her money. and also a loser. she’s the winner here, pal!
August 31, 2011 at 3:13 pm
Nope, not nearly fat enough or ugly enough or loserly enough. I think she’s pretty jealous, though.
August 31, 2011 at 3:59 pm
I’d rather be David Letterman. I’d be old, but I could yell “I’m not wearing any pants!” out the window.
(Fun fact: When I was 6, I named my cat after Dave. He is the nicest cat ever.)
August 31, 2011 at 1:58 pm
I am going to make up terrible lies about Jay Leno and hope some of them stick.
Jay Leno has a special deodorant he has to use every day on his feet.
Jay Leno poisons the neighborhood cats.
Jay Leno ate the last eclair.
August 31, 2011 at 2:04 pm
Aha- you are onto something. Can we make a Jay Leno Twitter game where we make shit up about him? Like the Regretsy game from a few months ago?
August 31, 2011 at 2:07 pm
It’s so fun, I can’t stop.
Jay Leno scrapes the corns off his feet into your favorite cooking pot.
August 31, 2011 at 2:32 pm
i’m so in.
August 31, 2011 at 3:09 pm
Jay Leno has a shaved mangina.
Jay Leno wipes his boogers on the underside of theater seats.
Jay Leno snorted beer out of his nose while watching “Family Guy.” Or maybe it was koolaid and “According to Jim.”
August 31, 2011 at 3:22 pm
Jay Leno was the wizard that did it.
Jay Leno squeezes the toothpaste from the middle.
Jay Leno drinks the milk straight from the carton.
August 31, 2011 at 3:22 pm
Jay Leno invented the changed man briefs.
August 31, 2011 at 4:28 pm
Jay Leno masturbates to pictures of Nicolas Cage.
Jay Leno licks the donuts and then puts them back in the box.
Jay Leno sent my grandmother photos of his taint.
August 31, 2011 at 5:45 pm
Jay Leno stole that denim shirt from a hobo he killed to get an erection.
Jay Leno stands too close when he’s waiting for the ATM.
Jay Leno takes a bite of the food with co-workers’ names on it in the staff lounge fridge, and puts it back.
August 31, 2011 at 5:58 pm
Jay Leno’s call-in votes during the 2003 season of American Idol made up 34.6% of the votes for Clay Aiken.
Jay Leno once competed in the Worm Charming Championship. He came in 7th.
Jay Leno has on staff a team of midgets to massage his chin when he’s feeling stressed. He says that their little fingers can really work into the grooves.
August 31, 2011 at 6:51 pm
So where the hell are you guys on Twitter then? Let’s make it happen!
September 1, 2011 at 6:04 am
Jay Leno stole the okra from the garden.
Jay Leno parked in the handicapped park.
Jay Leno borrowed your favourite shirt and shrunk it in the wash.
August 31, 2011 at 2:05 pm
Jay Leno farted in the elevator and it smelled like scallops.
Jay Leno uses Febreze on his underwear and re-wears them.
Jay Leno harvests organs from immigrant orphans and sells them on the black market.
August 31, 2011 at 2:22 pm
Oh god, Febreze in the underwear! I just laughed so hard I farted. And I’m at work.
August 31, 2011 at 2:27 pm
If it didn’t smell like scallops, you’re still ahead of Jay Leno.
August 31, 2011 at 2:34 pm
For some reason, I imagined him soaking his underwear in Febreze and putting them on when still wet, which I find AMAZINGLY hilarious. Maybe it’s because I’ve been working night shift and I only slept 4 hours today, or maybe Jay Leno wearing boxer shorts dripping with Febreze is actually the funniest thing ever.
August 31, 2011 at 6:06 pm
“Jay Leno farted in the elevator and it smelled like scallops.”
That’s one of the grossest things I’ve read on the internet, and that’s saying something as I spend a lot of time here.
It also made me say “Oh god” out loud in front of people, so well done!
August 31, 2011 at 7:14 pm
Jay Leno was the hooker Alex Trebek was chasing from his hotel room when he ripped his tendon.
August 31, 2011 at 7:50 pm
Jay Leno thought Show girls was a good movie
Jay Leno has a poster of Justin Bieber in his room
Jay Leno makes socially awkward comments that make people feel uncomfortable.
August 31, 2011 at 3:06 pm
Well I heard Jay Leno goes to Home Depot and pays migrant workers to come to his house and choke him in the shower while he’s reading child porn until Chris Hansen leaps out of the closet and asks him to “have a seat over there” and then rams him with a cucumber!
… or is that too specific?
August 31, 2011 at 3:16 pm
You didn’t specify the migrant workers’ home country. THAT would have been too specific.
August 31, 2011 at 3:12 pm
I was going to eat that eclair. D:
August 31, 2011 at 3:28 pm
I hope he left the apple fritters alone. I don’t like eclairs that much, but I love me some apple fritters.
August 31, 2011 at 3:23 pm
Jay Leno hired Rachael Ray as his personal chef.
Jay Leno takes the bible from his hotel room. And the shower cap.
August 31, 2011 at 10:12 pm
I liked this mostly for the Rachael Ray comment.
I hate her so so much.
September 1, 2011 at 12:45 pm
Squiggley, I’m glad I’m not the only RR hater in the room.
August 31, 2011 at 3:31 pm
Jay Leno parks in expectant mothers parking.
Jay Leno’s ringtone is “Before He Cheats”
The studio has agreed to allow Jay Leno to cook and eat one intern per season.
When you let him merge in traffic Jay Leno won’t give you the wave.
Jay Leno’s hair is actually a toupee made from no less than seven endangered species.
August 31, 2011 at 3:51 pm
Oh dear…
I DO have a special deodorant that I have to use on my feet. It’s prescription strength and I have to apply it and then wrap my feet in plastic wrap in order to keep it on while I sleep. My mom had my doctor prescribe it before I started college because she was worried that my roommate would be appalled by my sweaty feet. Said roommate did look at me weird the first time I started covering my feet in plastic before bed but we never spoke of it.
August 31, 2011 at 5:34 pm
In space, no one can smell your feet.
September 1, 2011 at 12:00 am
We had a guy on our dorm floor whose feet were bad enough that his roommate made him keep his shoes in the janitor’s closet down the hall.
Then again, maybe he should have had a second pair of shoes.
August 31, 2011 at 4:04 pm
Jay Leno likes to eat yogurt and pretend he can hear their dying screams.
Jay Leno wears THE CHANGED MAN BIKINI.
Jay Leno brought that mattress.
August 31, 2011 at 6:07 pm
Jay Leno stained that mattress. Placenta my ass. Actually his ass…damned hemorrhoids.
September 1, 2011 at 5:21 am
Admittedly I narrate for the yeasts when I’m baking, but Jay Leno would enjoy it even more than I would.
August 31, 2011 at 4:22 pm
Nope, the last eclair was me. Mmmm, love those.
August 31, 2011 at 5:27 pm
Jay Leno smells sour, and I should know…I was on the Jay Leno show once…No lie… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5GQ4toQ9bk
August 31, 2011 at 6:28 pm
Jay Leno let the dogs out
August 31, 2011 at 10:13 pm
WHY DOESN’T THIS HAVE MORE LIKES?!
August 31, 2011 at 7:25 pm
Jay Leno ate the last eclair … out of the garbage can…
Okay, I admit I am drunk, but seriously – this is funny
August 31, 2011 at 8:23 pm
Jay Leno stole the cookie from the cookie jar.
When the dog farts, he blames it on Jay Leno.
The crescent moon is suing Jay Leno’s profile for defamation of character.
Jay Leno does not have Doctor Who nights on his show, which proves Craig Ferguson is far superior to Jay Leno.
September 1, 2011 at 4:51 am
oh hell, my cats are superior to Leno, and all they do is eat sleep and poop.
CF rocks, BTW
August 31, 2011 at 10:23 pm
Jay Leno was a juror at the Casey Anthony trial.
Jay Leno hates black people.
Jay Leno killed Dumbledore.
September 1, 2011 at 3:27 am
Jay Leno parks a big-ass truck in the compact parking spot.
Jay Leno doesn’t let pedestrians cross the road first when it’s pouring down rain and they don’t have umbrellas.
Jay Leno threw a used cigarette in front of a dog shelter, which a homeless puppy then promptly ate and choked on.
August 31, 2011 at 2:13 pm
Take heart, that is, so long as it’s not on a mattress.
August 31, 2011 at 2:34 pm
I see what you did there! Well, not what YOU did there, actually, but that woman who gave birth on the…never mind.
August 31, 2011 at 9:25 pm
Actually I’m planning on a home birth, and I have a TempurPedic, so in a sense…
But I am going to use a goddamn plastic mattress cover.
September 1, 2011 at 5:22 am
You mean like a sane person?
August 31, 2011 at 2:53 pm
Yeah, as I was reading that whole thing, I kept thinking, why should we be surprised? All he ever does is steal bits (headlines, Jay-Walking is from Howard Stern, etc) and shill Doritos and steal people’s jobs. He is a GIANT douche. Just be proud you’re good enough for him to copy, I suppose??
August 31, 2011 at 5:15 pm
Jay Leno who needs to be fucked with a pineapple, but then, I am sort of aggro.
August 31, 2011 at 6:53 pm
The rough end of a rotating pineapple, I think you mean.
August 31, 2011 at 7:47 pm
As opposed to the smooth, lubricated end like everyone else does it?
August 31, 2011 at 8:10 pm
Hmm. Good point.
September 1, 2011 at 5:24 am
I just thought EXTENSIVELY about which end would be worse. God I need a drink and it’s half past eight. A.M.
August 31, 2011 at 1:37 pm
What makes me sad is that I can’t even boycott him as it’s not like I watch his stupid show anyways… Curses…
August 31, 2011 at 2:55 pm
Unfortunately, it wouldn’t matter anyway unless you possessed or otherwise had influence on one of the cable boxes from which they get ratings data.
Also, though I don’t find Leno funny, I find Frank Caliendo or South Park making fun of him to be very funny.
August 31, 2011 at 1:37 pm
Do you really want Leno fans loitering ’round these parts.
August 31, 2011 at 1:39 pm
we don’t take too kindly to folks that don’t take too kindly round here.
August 31, 2011 at 1:40 pm
Now Skeeter, he ain’t hurtin’ nobody!
August 31, 2011 at 1:53 pm
But Ma, he done called you a cheap whore who’s so round-heeled you can’t stand up straight. Them’s fightin’ words!
(Oh, and the cavalry called and wanted to know if you were keeping your usual Wednesday night appointment with them.)
August 31, 2011 at 1:39 pm
No, and if I think about this logically for a moment, it’s unlikely anyone he sent here would ever come back.
August 31, 2011 at 1:43 pm
They’d take one peek in and then return to their glasses of bland wine in their bland houses with their bland families and watch their bland late-night “comedy” shows and forget we Regretsy exists. Too bad, because I bet a fair number of them are wondering what all the art supplies at Michael’s mean when they spell out “CF4L” on a consistent basis.
BTW, getting a photo of the password next to the LDS temple in a couple weeks for you when I visit SLC.
August 31, 2011 at 2:33 pm
GUESS WHO LIVES NEAR SLC BITCHEZ.
Me.
But you can have that picture, since I’m too lazy to drive ten minutes to get there.
August 31, 2011 at 2:53 pm
I was just thinking about that 2 days ago!! LOL But I love 30 minutes outside the city, so go for it, and when you post it I promise to giggle and share it with all my friends!
August 31, 2011 at 2:54 pm
*live, not love….apparently cannot type and drink coffee at the same time…
August 31, 2011 at 5:11 pm
That reminds me… Last week I was in Walmart in Seekonk, MA and someone had spelled out “TWATS” in wooden letters on the shelf under where the letters hung.
Which one of you bitches is responsible for that?
August 31, 2011 at 5:42 pm
The twats thing sounds like an employee flounce.
August 31, 2011 at 6:32 pm
Like!
I live about an hour north of Salt Lake. They just built a new temple here and I am pretty positive it is leaning forward and to the left. No one says anything though…
August 31, 2011 at 8:21 pm
Dude, I work less than 15 minutes from that damn temple, and am up there all the time… I need to just take a damn picture already. Dammit. Excessive swears for emphasis.
August 31, 2011 at 1:59 pm
Why would they want to? Out here is fresh air and sunshine and the sweet, sweet smell of … um … what’s the opposite of mediocrity?
Oh – awesomeness. That will do.
Oh. And liquor. Lots of liquor.
August 31, 2011 at 2:16 pm
That statement is correct for half of Leno’s viewers. Those are the people who actually watch the show.
The other half just uses it as background noise during sex.
August 31, 2011 at 2:30 pm
We like eps of Star Trek Next Gen in the background; nothing like hearing Picard say, “Make it so!” or “Engage!” to enhance the experience.
August 31, 2011 at 2:49 pm
I like your pic @gnomestress! Now I have that song in my head. “There’s a zombie on your lawwwwnnn..”
August 31, 2011 at 2:53 pm
Goddammit. Now that’s what I’m going to be thinking of when I have sex. FROM NOW ON. Thank you very much for that, gnomestress.
August 31, 2011 at 3:03 pm
I can think of few things more awful than looking up during sex and seeing Leno’s chin. Talk about a mood killer.
August 31, 2011 at 3:58 pm
JAY LENO IS NOT THE SOUNDTRACK TO WHICH I WANT TO BOINK.
I SAID GOOD DAY, SIR.
August 31, 2011 at 2:54 pm
Well, yeah – they’d have to think interesting and original shit was funny, and they watch LENO.
August 31, 2011 at 4:20 pm
But maybe we’d get some good flouncing out of it?
September 1, 2011 at 5:26 am
What is it whn you flounce the first time you visit? Precautionary flouncing? Buttflounce?
August 31, 2011 at 2:12 pm
What fans?
August 31, 2011 at 1:38 pm
I wasn’t thinking of emailing you with accusations of butt-hurt. I was thinking of spreading some flounce at the chair thief via twitter.
August 31, 2011 at 1:38 pm
Imagine how long his staff spent trying to figure out the password before they finally just said “oh fuck it, use the placenta mattress!”
Jackasses, all of them.
August 31, 2011 at 1:39 pm
We have a rule at our house: “No Leno.” I physically cannot stand the sound of his voice. It gives me the creeps.
August 31, 2011 at 2:30 pm
Ug, me too. Seeing him bobble his head with that fucking smug look on his face after reading lame jokes off a cue card. It makes me want to punch things.
August 31, 2011 at 2:55 pm
Voice + Chin + Bobble = Armageddon
August 31, 2011 at 7:19 pm
The way he touches audience members’ hands at the beginning of the show, like some religious benediction, skeeves me out. How can they be sure he washes his hands after he shits? Or that he even uses paper when he wipes, for that matter?!
I don’t watch his show, but I used to. Then I discovered Fergie. *sigh*
August 31, 2011 at 1:39 pm
Ol’ squeaky is still kicking is he? I thought people finally got tired of his schtick.
August 31, 2011 at 1:40 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N0n189uwiBE
This. Just this.
August 31, 2011 at 1:41 pm
comparing Leno to Mencina…. fucking amazeballs.
That is all.
August 31, 2011 at 5:20 pm
The best part of all of this!
August 31, 2011 at 1:41 pm
I hate Leno, and to some degree Letterman, because their audiences clap at your best punchlines instead of just laughing. Stop pretending it’s high art. Stop watching this show and deluding yourself into thinking that comedy should be accompanied by saxophones in 2011.
Grrr.
August 31, 2011 at 2:13 pm
Hey now. Yakety Sax still makes almost any situation funnier.
August 31, 2011 at 4:02 pm
Benny Hill > most, aye
August 31, 2011 at 4:09 pm
I don’t think clapping necessarily equals “high art”. I clap at Letterman all the time and I have never considered him high art. And what do saxophones have to do with it?
Saxophone delusions is my new hipster rock band.
August 31, 2011 at 4:21 pm
Yeah, there was clapping and a standing ovation at the second grade’s performance of “The Cheese Stands Alone”.
August 31, 2011 at 7:26 pm
The audience claps because a large sign over the stage flashes “APPLAUSE.”
August 31, 2011 at 1:43 pm
I think it was more so that Jay actually bought that mattress and was bragging without coming right out about it.
August 31, 2011 at 1:43 pm
Team Coco FTMFW! He would have credited you. Probably.
August 31, 2011 at 1:53 pm
I’ve never watched either of their shows (Not shown in the UK) but I believe I’d find CoCo instantly hilarious.
He’s Ginger, they need something to help them in life xD
August 31, 2011 at 2:54 pm
Prince Harry would agree. Imagine going through life knowing you were conceived as a backup prince in case your brother kicked the bucket.
August 31, 2011 at 2:58 pm
He’s a freakishly tall ginger with a freakishly large head – still a HELL of a lot funnier than anyone else on late night…
August 31, 2011 at 3:11 pm
Nah, I much prefer CraigyFerg. Gingers freak me out, and Scottish accents are hot.
August 31, 2011 at 3:13 pm
True, I like Craig Ferguson too – but isn’t he the “early show”??
August 31, 2011 at 6:57 pm
In college, Conan had a hilarious series of cartoons about having a “massive, misshapen head.”
August 31, 2011 at 4:49 pm
Conan is pretty fricken funny-the apple picking episode is one of the funniest things I have ever seen! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UHtf0fpgcbk
August 31, 2011 at 5:51 pm
I don’t watch it often, but I saw the episode where CoCo tried on jeggings.
I don’t often watch late night shows, but if I did, it would be Conan.
I may never stop talking like the Dos Equis guy: I don’t always steal content, but when I do, it’s from Regretsy.
August 31, 2011 at 7:44 pm
Conan + jeggings = hi-fucking-larity
August 31, 2011 at 8:32 pm
VPL
September 1, 2011 at 4:59 am
well, maybe, but he did close out with this:
(sorry for the quality – couldn’t find a better one)
September 1, 2011 at 5:00 am
fuck it – link no worky
Conan exit
August 31, 2011 at 1:54 pm
Conan would probably have invited you on the show for a reenactment.
August 31, 2011 at 2:31 pm
And have purchased the mattress.
August 31, 2011 at 2:41 pm
i think conan should invite you on HIS show for a dramatic reinactment. “tell me what the bad man did next april”
August 31, 2011 at 2:57 pm
show Coco where on the doll he plagiarized you.
August 31, 2011 at 1:44 pm
Oh, big name stars/companies. Ripping shitt off from the internet since the dawn of the internet.
It’s like they think that because it;s on the internet, you don’t have to say where you found it. But you do. You really, really do.
August 31, 2011 at 2:02 pm
But you just don’t understand! It was found on the internet which automatically makes it public domain so it’s ok to steal it and not credit the original source! See? Ya SEE?!?!?!
August 31, 2011 at 2:05 pm
Yes, of course that’s fine! Because it’s not like in the modern age people put unique, copyrighted work on the internet!
Man, I’d be PISSED if someone talked about my work without proper linkage and crediting.
I don’t care if they’re ripping the shit out of it, as long as they acknowledge it’s mine. It’s just good manners.
August 31, 2011 at 3:16 pm
But Google trumps all copywrites!
There is no copyright only ZUUL!
August 31, 2011 at 3:24 pm
Judith, is that you?
August 31, 2011 at 1:45 pm
Aw, Jay was hilarious in Cabin Boy!
No wait, that was Letterman.
And even he wasn’t really hilarious.
Nevermind.
August 31, 2011 at 3:00 pm
You had me going there for a second! I was scared.
August 31, 2011 at 1:46 pm
Honestly a TV show having lazy folks stealing shit doesn’t surprise me… what surprises me is that fact that some company is actually taking credit for “designing” the afterbirthmatress.com site and calling it “professional”. I didn’t realize that sticking a screenshot on a white background was professional.
August 31, 2011 at 1:50 pm
They better not ever sell that mattress or they’ll have nothing to talk about over there.
August 31, 2011 at 2:26 pm
Those losers don’t even have a forum… bah!
August 31, 2011 at 1:48 pm
April, you will always be smarter, funnier, and hotter than that big-chinned unfunny thieving bastard.
August 31, 2011 at 1:58 pm
Well I appreciate the sentiment, but everyone is funnier than Leno. May grandmother is funnier than Leno, and she’s been dead for 20 years.
August 31, 2011 at 2:19 pm
Well shit, you’re right.
August 31, 2011 at 3:26 pm
Hasn’t Leno been dead for 20 years, too?
August 31, 2011 at 4:06 pm
Only on the inside.
August 31, 2011 at 8:28 pm
Only on television.
August 31, 2011 at 8:53 pm
Let’s get this little guy on Leno’s show. About time he learns how it feels.
August 31, 2011 at 1:49 pm
Aww, come on, did Carlos Mencia really deserve that? I mean, sure he’s not even a one-note comedian, but to be compared to Leno? That’s gotta be some kind of Geneva Convention violation.
August 31, 2011 at 2:00 pm
Yes. Yes, he did. Mencia is a joke-stealer, the lowest form of comic life. The comparison is more apt than you know.
August 31, 2011 at 2:03 pm
Google “Joe Rogan Carlos Mencia”, read up a bit, then come back and see if you still want to ask that question.
August 31, 2011 at 2:08 pm
I figured the Geneva Convention thing was enough to make it obvious sarcasm. Guess not.
August 31, 2011 at 2:23 pm
Mencia deserves worse. He’s a joke thief and a bad one at that. He acts latino but inside he’s whiter than Wonderbread covered in mayonnaise.
August 31, 2011 at 3:00 pm
Not to mention his “der der der” bit is just fucking LAME.
August 31, 2011 at 3:11 pm
I thought stealing jokes is what comedians do. Or was that just Milton Berle?
Oh well. I’ve never heard of Carlos Mencia. I think I’ll just try to keep it that way.
August 31, 2011 at 3:14 pm
Consider yourself lucky. Comedy Central tried to cram his fauxican ass down our throats for years. Blech.
He stole from some of the greats and didn’t do it very well. If he had some original material that wasn’t “I’m a beaner. Herp herp donkies herp. lul!” maybe he wouldn’t be so bad.
No wait, he still would.
August 31, 2011 at 5:23 pm
Don’t waste your time SO. We all have better things to do than concern ourself with Menses.
August 31, 2011 at 7:05 pm
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August 31, 2011 at 10:37 pm
He stole it from your mom.
September 2, 2011 at 10:36 am
Proof that no one dies from the red thumb.
August 31, 2011 at 10:45 pm
I hate Mencia like a hipster hates anything mainstream. I had a film professor who made us pay to see him as part of our final. I still wonder if she was trying to be “nice” or “cool,” or if she just really hated our class and wanted to punish us in the worst possible way.
August 31, 2011 at 3:46 pm
Mencia is not a one-note comedian because he steals from multiple comics…
August 31, 2011 at 1:49 pm
Helen has talent so she does all of the work and Leno isn’t funny so he gets paid millions of dollars every year to rip people off. And now I want to kill myself. See, people really ARE dying of Communism…
August 31, 2011 at 1:49 pm
Now I hate that lisping, unfunny, Fred Flintstone looking motherfucker even more. Thanks for that.
August 31, 2011 at 3:31 pm
hey, leave Freddie out of this.
August 31, 2011 at 1:51 pm
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August 31, 2011 at 1:51 pm
His chin reminds me of the forever alone guy.
August 31, 2011 at 1:57 pm
He is the forever alone guy
August 31, 2011 at 2:23 pm
Indeed! His surname is an anagram of lone which can’t just be a coincidence.
August 31, 2011 at 1:59 pm
The forever alone guy reminds me of Jay Leno’s chin
August 31, 2011 at 2:11 pm
August 31, 2011 at 2:16 pm
Holy fuck. Airbrushed, much?
August 31, 2011 at 2:18 pm
Forever ALeno
August 31, 2011 at 3:36 pm
Looks like HK’s screencap isn’t the only thing he’s stolen. Michael McDonald is probably looking for his hair right about now, too.
August 31, 2011 at 7:38 pm
If they ever remake “The Munsters,” there’s your Herman. No makeup required.
August 31, 2011 at 2:16 pm
Forever A Leno
August 31, 2011 at 2:19 pm
Excuse me, I think you’re in my brain.
August 31, 2011 at 2:40 pm
September 1, 2011 at 12:13 am
BIG improvement. Thank you.
August 31, 2011 at 1:52 pm
Can we waste our time emailing Jay Leno about this instead?
August 31, 2011 at 1:52 pm
The assistants (and unpaid interns) who steal this stuff don’t have a clue that someone puts thought and effort into these things. Like when some NPR intern stole Rich Juzwiak’s horror movie/cellphone fail research.
August 31, 2011 at 1:54 pm
Or when Jay Leno stole his Taylor Swift montage.
August 31, 2011 at 1:55 pm
Oh, yeah – Jay Leno also stole a Taylor Swift montage from Rich Juzwiak.
August 31, 2011 at 1:59 pm
He also stole my idea to have a late night talk show.
August 31, 2011 at 1:59 pm
He also stole my toilet seat and is using it as a chin.
August 31, 2011 at 2:03 pm
I bet he keeps his chin up all the time.
Men.
August 31, 2011 at 2:03 pm
I’m slow – so pretend I deleted the post above this one.
August 31, 2011 at 2:03 pm
No, not that one – never mind.
August 31, 2011 at 2:24 pm
So the slowness is no joke huh? Good to know.
August 31, 2011 at 4:17 pm
Is it good to know? Thanks – I really appreciate that.
August 31, 2011 at 1:53 pm
Now we know what his writing staff does all day. Since they don’t write anything.
August 31, 2011 at 1:53 pm
Am I understanding this? She gave birth on a $1500 mattress she couldn’t be bothered to cover with a $10 rubber sheet; and she now wants someone to buy the hideously stained mattress so she can get a new one (god knows what she’ll do on that); and because the ad keeps getting flagged on Craigslist (and does that tell you how gross it is) she started a “Welcome to Afterbirth Mattress” website to unload it? Tell me at least one third of this is a joke.
August 31, 2011 at 5:06 pm
“Home of Placenta and Foam”
*dies*
August 31, 2011 at 1:56 pm
Jay Leno shit all over our hate. No one cries for the ass matress.
August 31, 2011 at 5:55 pm
Sampler please!
No one DOES cry for that ass mattress, Jay Leno. Or the stained Tempurpedic.
August 31, 2011 at 1:59 pm
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August 31, 2011 at 2:00 pm
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August 31, 2011 at 2:03 pm
From the Contact page: “Let me know if you want to be credited/linked. If you don’t specify, I’ll assume you prefer to be anonymous.”
I don’t assume people want to be identified. If you requested credit and didn’t get it, let me know and I’ll amend the post.
August 31, 2011 at 2:06 pm
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August 31, 2011 at 7:02 pm
Blow me.
August 31, 2011 at 7:43 pm
When you make your flounce cat, please try to center it in the image space. Some of us are OCD.
August 31, 2011 at 2:03 pm
Did you say you wanted to be credited for the find? The FAQ states that if you don’t say, April assumes you want to be anonymous.
Oh, and By the way, assuming people who don’t like what you say are butt-kissers or have no minds of their own is a little shortsighted.
August 31, 2011 at 2:05 pm
But they wuv me!
August 31, 2011 at 2:07 pm
Which strikes me as saying to your partner ‘you’re a thief and a liar, and everyone who likes or agrees with you is an idiot, but it’s Ok, cause I love you’.
August 31, 2011 at 2:08 pm
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August 31, 2011 at 3:27 pm
She forgot to carpet bomb her insults with smiley faces. Faux pas.
August 31, 2011 at 7:48 pm
April, let’s get this clear. I do not wuv you, wub you, or lurv you.
I respect you, admire you, and would most definitely piss on you if you were on fire.
I would get drunk with you because I feel I could trust you not to let me drive my own car home, but might help me steal someone else’s.
But I do not wuv you, any more than I think you are totes adorbz.
Just had to get that off my chest.
August 31, 2011 at 7:48 pm
That fucking hurts.
STYLETHREAD
September 1, 2011 at 5:21 am
can we start a Regretsy acronym/phrasebook? wtf is a totes adorbz?
April, I don’t wuv you either, but you get mad props from Michigan on a regular basis.
September 1, 2011 at 8:27 pm
“Totes Adorbz” is what you are when you give me the urge to stoop to posting a “Let me G**gle that for you” link.
August 31, 2011 at 2:07 pm
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August 31, 2011 at 2:11 pm
Yes, you do that because it’s so old and who cares right?
Also STYLETHREAD.COM
August 31, 2011 at 2:26 pm
It sounds like an oversight, which happens: I can’t imagine how much email Helen must receive each day. So it seems like you could have raised this issue at the time if you felt slighted. Since you’re prompted to voice a concern at this late date (based on the original post being “so damn old anyway”), it seems that a private email would have been a more appropriate method of communication. Now you just look like a jerk on a website you profess to “wuv.”
Quit shitting all over the love.
August 31, 2011 at 2:26 pm
You know what, I’m going to that website right now! Also I hear Preparation H helps with butthurt.
Butt seriously, I’m going over there now!
August 31, 2011 at 2:56 pm
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August 31, 2011 at 3:05 pm
For someone who rarely posts in the comments threads, you sure have a lot to say today…
August 31, 2011 at 3:06 pm
How is Helen being thin-skinned? She offered to amend the original post immediately after your first comments. Now she’s mocking you, as are others – because you demonstrated bad manners in the first place. Again, if you’d brought this up at an appropriate time (i.e., at the time of the original uncredited submission’s post) or in an appropriate manner (i.e., privately via email), that would have been different. But you didn’t.
August 31, 2011 at 3:10 pm
She’s not being thin-skinned, she’s being snarky. You should be used to it by now, oh “wuv”ly and faithful reader of Regretsy.
*dances a jig*
August 31, 2011 at 3:23 pm
So I went to your website. From what I can tell it’s just a bunch of blogs by people who are obsessed with fashion. Animal prints, purple shoes, and Anthropologie were all I could look at before wanting to run screaming for non-self-obsessed content.
Go vote for Cunningham Park at LivePositively.com a few dozen times and stop spelling “love” as “wuv.” You aren’t two.
August 31, 2011 at 3:29 pm
@stylethread – when you’re down, stay down. You can’t win on here by being butthurty.
/experience ;D
September 1, 2011 at 10:14 am
That’s true. Only Helen can win on here with butthurt. All others, check your baggage at the door.
August 31, 2011 at 3:35 pm
Good god this is one of those cases when I want more thumbs!
PA much?
You had the option then of posting something many people do – like “Oh goodie, Helen used my ____ insert whatever here___” if sending an e-mail to correct didn’t work.
Lots of folks do that, and usually they get thumbs upped. Don’t be such a cupcake!
August 31, 2011 at 7:09 pm
Besides, it’s not like Helen sent Leno the Craigslist link – he (his intern) found the Regretsy link, they made a screenshot, and he showed it to his adoring fan without crediting who he stole it from. Totally different scenario.
August 31, 2011 at 7:52 pm
I was gonna say that, and you didn’t credit me!
*FLOUNCITY-FLOUNCE-FLOUNCE*
August 31, 2011 at 2:00 pm
JAY LENO!! oh wait…
August 31, 2011 at 2:09 pm
Nah, chin’s way too small, and the head isn’t nearly big enough.
August 31, 2011 at 2:23 pm
Yeah, and Leno usually has a LOT more bird shit on his forehead. Oh, wait, that’s his hair. Oops!
August 31, 2011 at 2:18 pm
That’s not Jay Leno, that’s the Doctor.
August 31, 2011 at 5:29 pm
They loved him there.
August 31, 2011 at 7:21 pm
Jim the fish!
August 31, 2011 at 2:00 pm
Poor Helen, you need a bigger staff than Bronc and a gaseous hound to keep up with the latest trends. Guess you haven’t noticed Steven Colbert and a few others have been stealing some of your stuff for months now…
August 31, 2011 at 2:48 pm
Hey, let’s not cast aspersions upon Bronc’s staff, shall we? Helen has said many times that she is VERY happy, but just not at this moment ’cause Bronc and his staff are at Burning Man.
August 31, 2011 at 3:07 pm
Oh I’m casting aspersions all right, KEVIN SPACEY IS STILL MISSING! The farting dog would have been the most obvious suspect, but all this ‘Bronc is off frolicking’ stuff only makes my suspicions grow…
August 31, 2011 at 3:24 pm
Speaking of things growing…
August 31, 2011 at 4:46 pm
I cannot believe you are referring to Bronc’s penis at all, let alone calling it a staff… I feel like I’m reading a romance novel.
August 31, 2011 at 6:09 pm
I don’t know if “staff” would be used in a romance novel, but if it were, it might be “a turgid shaft of engorged steel wrapped in softest velvet, ready to breach her most secret bastions of maidenhood and fill her aching void with the male nectar of his love.” Or something like that.
August 31, 2011 at 6:32 pm
So, you don’t think something about his rod and staff comforting her mean what I think they mean?
August 31, 2011 at 6:48 pm
Yes, yes, what gaseous hound does not remind us all of our youthful romances. However, Helen’s awkward teenage fumblings in the back booth of Denny’s will hopefully be a little more exciting…
August 31, 2011 at 6:50 pm
@NanaB: I’m not touching that with a ten-foot, uh… I think that requires a firm understanding…um, maybe for the time being we should establish a tent… hmm, this could be an explosive—. Ahem. Yes. Well, I grew up Catholic and retired at a young age and so many images are going through my head right now. I think I’m going to back away from the keyboard and not think about text that should be insert…
Yes, well *clears throat* uh, yes. Yes.
September 1, 2011 at 5:24 am
Mugsy Doodle you owe me a new keyboard and a cup of coffee.
August 31, 2011 at 2:03 pm
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August 31, 2011 at 2:05 pm
I had the misfortune, a little over 10 years ago, to be subjected to Leno’s “stand up”. If you think he’s unfunny on his show, you should try tolerating that. Oh, and really smart on his part to tell “black jokes” to an audience with a large percentage of retired NFL players. Good planning, asshat.
August 31, 2011 at 2:40 pm
“THOSE BLACKS!”
-Head bobble and sax music-
CUE APPLAUSE.
August 31, 2011 at 2:06 pm
I wish people would just credit the source. It’s not that hard, right?
Also, I love the Hodges and Wendy pic.
August 31, 2011 at 2:06 pm
I can’t even think about Leno without hearing Bill Hicks in my head.
August 31, 2011 at 3:09 pm
Ahhh, Bill Hicks, you left us too soon…
“Selling Doritos on TV? What a fuckin’ whore. And not even when he needed the money either, you know? If you’re a young actor, I’ll look the other way, but the guy makes $3 million a year, he decides to hock Doritos to make more money. You don’t got enough money you fucking whore? You’ve got to sell snacks to bovine America now? It’s Satan fucking him in the ass on national TV man . . . fuck . . .”
Or even better:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DWB-kd09GXY
August 31, 2011 at 7:57 pm
And I see Taylor Hicks.
September 1, 2011 at 5:26 am
he has to afford all those vintage million+ classic cars somehow.
so its Leno who stole from Bill Hicks? I always used to hear it was Denis Leary who did, which upset me greatly…
August 31, 2011 at 2:12 pm
Helen, I love you.
August 31, 2011 at 2:12 pm
Who is Jay Leno?
August 31, 2011 at 3:14 pm
A sick, sad man that many people with no sense of humor watch on late-night “television” out of pity. If you want to know what he’s like, flick the head of a bobble-head figurine and imagine the most annoying, unmanly giggle possible. Keep that up until you thirst for death. That’s a Jay Leno.
August 31, 2011 at 7:58 pm
I was in New York and happened to get back from dinner in time to watch a bit of his abortive 10pm show.
It was like they put together a list of everything he couldn’t say at 10pm, and everything he could say, and someone gave him the wrong list as a prank.
August 31, 2011 at 2:14 pm
Jay Leno gave me AIDS.
August 31, 2011 at 2:24 pm
Jay Leno stained my mattress with his afterbirth.
August 31, 2011 at 2:30 pm
Giving birth? Or when he was born?
August 31, 2011 at 2:50 pm
I look at his jokes as being afterbirth.
August 31, 2011 at 2:58 pm
I think he was the afterbirth, and he would be a bitch enough to stain the mattress.
August 31, 2011 at 7:22 pm
Someone shoulda eaten that placenta.
August 31, 2011 at 8:18 pm
His mother threw away the baby and kept the afterbirth
August 31, 2011 at 2:14 pm
Leno lost what little appeal he had when he joked non-stop about the OJ trial (the dancing Itos and all that crap). When folks asked Letterman why he didn’t do OJ jokes, he said, “Double homicides don’t crack me up very much.”
August 31, 2011 at 2:23 pm
Ah yes, Letterman. Now there’s a bastion of tasteful comedy and class.
… oh no wait, wasn’t he the one that made disgusting statutory rape jokes about the Palin kids and has been sexually harassing his female employees for years? Yeah, nevermind.
August 31, 2011 at 2:25 pm
Neither of them did any masturbating bear jokes, which is really where it’s at.
August 31, 2011 at 2:26 pm
I was going to say “Gaseous Weiner,” but Masturbating Bear works too.
August 31, 2011 at 2:27 pm
Mastubating bear jokes FTW!
August 31, 2011 at 3:46 pm
“wasn’t he the one that made disgusting statutory rape jokes about the Palin kids?”
No, that would be the product of Sarah Palin’s dim understanding of intent and perpetual need to keep herself in the headlines by being butthurt.
August 31, 2011 at 4:57 pm
Oh you’re right, I totally forgot that Sarah Palin dressed up as Letterman that week to do a standup routine about how her own kids got gangbanged by the Yankees. Silly me.
August 31, 2011 at 2:16 pm
Will I lose all my Regretsy cool points for still kind of maybe sort of loving Jay Leno just a little bit for voicing a cartoon character superhero whose only superpower is his ridiculously oversized chin?
August 31, 2011 at 2:25 pm
only half of them. And you can earn them back, that’s the bauty of Regretsy Cool Points.
August 31, 2011 at 2:32 pm
Sweet. Time to get out the bajingo crafting kit and rum! I will be the class president of Regretsy Cool Points!
… what? I don’t aim high. Who wants to be supreme ruler anyway, it’s too much responsibility and I’ve got too many spangles to hot glue.
September 1, 2011 at 5:31 am
scribbles down 1st acronym: RCP = Regretsy Cool POints
(redeemable at your local retailer)
August 31, 2011 at 4:21 pm
I love the fairly odd parents.
August 31, 2011 at 4:54 pm
Hey, their Adam West cameo was only outdone by Kim Possible’s.
Well, and Batman: The Animated Series’, but that one was so meta it imploded the multiverse.
August 31, 2011 at 7:26 pm
They will never top Batman TOS. Hate the current incarnation. But they can bring back Batman Beyond!
(ok, back to the snark. sorry for the animation side chat)
August 31, 2011 at 7:35 pm
Really? I love Brave and the Bold! But, then again, I also grew up on Adam West and Batman & Robin holds a special place in my withered, blackened heart.
Also nothing will ever convince me that Robin-in-yellow-tights and then upgrading to the is not the most amazing hilarious thing that series has ever done.
August 31, 2011 at 2:21 pm
Sweet Jesus I love you guys even more knowing I’m not alone in my Leno hatred!
August 31, 2011 at 2:24 pm
The real butthurt lies with the woman who lost her placenta on that mattress. You KNOW that shit left her sore.
August 31, 2011 at 2:26 pm
Ripped her in two. Emotionally.
August 31, 2011 at 2:26 pm
April, when are you going to be on Craig Ferguson? You need to make this happen ASAP.
August 31, 2011 at 2:30 pm
I’m pretty sure they have to ask you.
August 31, 2011 at 2:59 pm
Well come on Regretsians, Lets make this shit happen!
August 31, 2011 at 3:18 pm
I’m not allowed to email Craig Ferguson after all the sexual harassment… on my part.
Ah well, what’s a court order if we can make this happen? I think it would be delightful! If I don’t post for a while, can someone send bail?
August 31, 2011 at 4:01 pm
Yes, that would be AWESOME. But you must learn a tune on the harmonica so you can win the Golden Harmonica when you play “Awkward Pause or Mouth Organ?”
August 31, 2011 at 8:01 pm
She might opt to Touch His Glittery Ball.
August 31, 2011 at 4:16 pm
I agree with this so hard it hurts.
And you should bring him a mug or something to put on his desk.
August 31, 2011 at 5:25 pm
One of the goatse mugs. If there are any left, please bring a goatse mug.
August 31, 2011 at 2:30 pm
I think the overwhelming sentiment here is that you’re prettier than him. And we all know that’s the only thing that matters.
August 31, 2011 at 2:36 pm
He has better hair.
August 31, 2011 at 2:44 pm
But his hair has Jay Leno, so it’s still a loss.
August 31, 2011 at 2:56 pm
http://twitter.com/#!/pandoras_hand/status/109021667107414016
i flove you so hard right now
August 31, 2011 at 2:53 pm
but you have better hair accessories. Shoe hair beats leno hair.
August 31, 2011 at 10:38 pm
Usually I wake up in the morning with bed hair (and on rowdier nights, shoe hair), but sometimes I wake up with Leno hair. On those mornings, I always know it’s going to be a bad day.
August 31, 2011 at 2:48 pm
Howard Stern has been raging for years about all the things Leno has stolen from him. Stern is also a huge fan of HK’s dad, FYI.
August 31, 2011 at 3:11 pm
I always say though, that at least the bits were FUNNY when Stern did them…
August 31, 2011 at 2:52 pm
Who the hell is Jay Leno?
August 31, 2011 at 2:57 pm
for some reason i read that as who the hell is jello
August 31, 2011 at 3:20 pm
You can’t handle the jello!
August 31, 2011 at 8:01 pm
I don’t think they’re ready for this jello.
September 1, 2011 at 2:33 pm
These are not the jellos you’re looking for…
August 31, 2011 at 3:00 pm
This is a bizarre coincidence, but Leno was sighted in my neighborhood today at a popular Cuban bakery. He often drives around in various restored vintage cars, always wearing the SAME blue chambray shirt – like a cartoon character who never changes clothes.
If his staff keeps stealing material, his next car of choice should be a bulletproof Popemobile. Just sayin’!
August 31, 2011 at 3:12 pm
I SWEAR there was a music video or a montage in a movie where Leno did a cameo in one of said cars, wearing said lame jacket…
August 31, 2011 at 3:34 pm
One of the folks in my car club (hubby collects old Lincolns and is active in both the regional club and the national one) spoke about a private tour he had of Leno’s garage a couple of years back. I had a hard time paying attention to it, because even though old cars are cool, those particular cars belong to Leno which automatically reduces their coolness factor. But, yeah, every single photo I’ve seen of Leno in his garage or car(s) has had him wearing one of those chambray shirts. With jeans.
To quote Peter from Family Guy, “I’m in my jeans, jean shirt, and jean jacket.”
August 31, 2011 at 4:10 pm
Imagine when Jay gets on in years, and starts wearing the one-piece, double knit, faux-denim jumpsuit, with zip front and flared legs. The horror…
August 31, 2011 at 4:22 pm
Dr. Venture on Venture Brothers refers to that as a Speed Suit.
And now I’m just picturing Helen and Bronc dressed up for Halloween as Dr. Mrs. The Monarch (or Molotov Cocktease) and Brock Samson.
August 31, 2011 at 6:04 pm
It will have to be a jumpsuit cleverly designed to look like a two-piece chambray shirt and pants ensemble… Is there a chambray shirt version of a Nevernude?
August 31, 2011 at 6:08 pm
August 31, 2011 at 4:29 pm
HA! I saw him in front of Portos in Burbank (just tell me that’s not the one you meant) about 2 years ago, in the same damn shirt. And the vintage car that day wasn’t even particularly awesome.
August 31, 2011 at 7:13 pm
Yes – it was Porto’s… and he WAS wearing the Blue Denim Shirt again. Ha!
August 31, 2011 at 8:19 pm
Leno at the Pebble Beach Concours d’Elegance this year. This is a fancy-schmancy rich folks’ thing where the men where suits and the women wear…suits. But not Leno.
Oh, I touched up his eyes a bit because they looked tired.
August 31, 2011 at 8:20 pm
WEAR. Men WEAR suits. And the woman WHORE suits.
Sheesh.
September 1, 2011 at 12:59 pm
Thought so. He’s there often. Or on that block anyway. Yet always in the same clothes.
Also, Howdy, snarky sort-of-neighbor!
August 31, 2011 at 3:31 pm
Wait…people still watch the tonight show?
August 31, 2011 at 4:44 pm
when I’m up that late, I’m in Club Fuckery or waiting for it to open. I don’t waste my precious remaining brain cells on the tonight show.
August 31, 2011 at 3:33 pm
I guess it’s a huge feather in your cap that the Tonight Show writers read Regretsy!
(Oh wait, it’s the least funny late night network show…)
Bummer.
August 31, 2011 at 3:33 pm
Can I say that I thought Jay Leno was funny way back in the day? Like, before he became the go-to guest host with the chance of becoming the permanent host of the Tonight Show when Johnny Carson retired. I don’t think he’s funny anymore, of course! Dear heavens, no. I prefer Drew Carey’s tired common man appeal than Leno’s.
August 31, 2011 at 6:05 pm
You were bordering on hipster there for a minute!
August 31, 2011 at 3:36 pm
I never watch that schleck (sp) . He is the way he looks; Quel Schmuck! His writers must be desperate to come up with something that will make people talk about the show and not get reamed out.
Go get ‘im!
August 31, 2011 at 3:46 pm
I hate all that TV “enhancement” of video in which they recover data that was never there in the first place.
I’m not the only one.
August 31, 2011 at 3:56 pm
Jay Leno is such a skuzz.
August 31, 2011 at 4:26 pm
I love that this is filed in “Bullshit”. I just started at a new office and have yet to label many of my folders. I think my usual “WTF?” file will now be called “Bullshit”.
…and yes, it’s Pickle, and i’m back.
August 31, 2011 at 5:08 pm
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August 31, 2011 at 8:21 pm
Funny people don’t need to have lines WRITTEN FOR them.
August 31, 2011 at 10:28 pm
Yes they do. Carson had writers, Letterman has writers, Stewart has writers, Colbert has writers.
You can’t crank out new material 4-5 days a week all alone. Even if it’s stolen.
September 1, 2011 at 10:45 am
Key word: NEED. Carson, Letterman, Stewart and Colbert CAN be funny on their own. Leno? Haven’t seen any evidence of that. He’s not even funny WITH writers.
August 31, 2011 at 8:27 pm
Not to mention that network execs don’t usually have the slightest fucking clue about what’s funny and what isn’t. After all, SNL is still on the air. I rest my case.
August 31, 2011 at 5:19 pm
If it’s any consolation, I’m pretty sure I’ve laughed more at this site than anyone has ever laughed (in earnest, anyway) at the Tonight Show. “You have an art department. I have a boston terrier with gas.” Ahahaha.
August 31, 2011 at 5:20 pm
Take heart! It’s not like you would have garnered anything from him citing you as the source, because it’s been pretty well established by the comments your gentle readers have already made that nobody watches his lame-ass show anyways. (I know I certainly never have.)
August 31, 2011 at 5:45 pm
I am so sorry to hear that you had to watch Leno. I hope you were on something lovely and strong at the time.
August 31, 2011 at 5:56 pm
I second this.
Also, this site is far funnier than Leno.
September 1, 2011 at 12:12 am
Apparently, when I was on the crazy-ass happy drugs following major surgery, I sat for twelve straight hours just watching the Weather Channel and thought that this was high-quality entertainment.
Then I started changing channels and according to my mother, burst into uncontrollable sobbing when I ran across Leno. She apparently had to turn the television off and feed me an Ativan to get me to calm down again.
In short, even enough Dilaudid to put out an elephant does not help.
August 31, 2011 at 6:11 pm
I saw Leno live once. I have suppressed that memory.
August 31, 2011 at 8:04 pm
I’m disappointed. You let him live.
August 31, 2011 at 6:51 pm
Isn’t that CSI comic from Bigger Than Cheeses?
August 31, 2011 at 7:03 pm
Click it and see.
August 31, 2011 at 7:51 pm
Jay Leno’s an ass, can I just say that I’m thirteen and me and I love your website! I totally just discovered it like two months ago and I read it a lot. You’re awesome! My mom strangely enough loves this website…
August 31, 2011 at 7:00 pm
I just extract the grains and put them in a tea cup and no it’s best not to use lube.
August 31, 2011 at 10:16 pm
Out of context comment of the day???
August 31, 2011 at 10:16 pm
Someone needs to tell Jay that copypasta always tastes terrible. Carlos Mencia indeed.
September 1, 2011 at 5:36 am
Jay Leno sucks.
September 1, 2011 at 7:49 am
Jay Leno has never been funny, not surprised that he and his staff didn’t give you credit. He needs all the help he can get. What an ass clown
September 1, 2011 at 1:11 pm
I figured it was a casual Regretsian sending in the screenshot to Leno. You know who you are.
BTW, I didn’t know Leno’s show was a comedy. I watch the Headlines so I know what’s going on in the world. My black soul doesn’t understand comedy anyway, I’m a ginger.
September 2, 2011 at 8:08 am
Pimping you to Jon Stewart – don’t know if he’ll run with this, but if nothing else their staff should be laughing their asses off.
September 2, 2011 at 8:09 am
^
Text of above, for those with bad eyesight
Hey – I’m a fan of Regretsy. “Hellen Killer” writes some amazingly funny stuff, while savagely mocking lousy crafts and raising a lot of money for some very worthy causes. Link goes to the whole story, but the punchline is that Leno is stealing again. Over a placenta-stained mattress, of all things.
http://www.regretsy.com/2011/08/31/csi-regretsy/
“Here’s Jay Leno, the world’s richest cinderblock, sitting in the seat he stole from Conan O’Brien.
He’s holding a screencap of the Craigslist ad” – Hellen Killer
Her site is NSFW, and chock-full of awesome.
So if you’re saving a file on “Why Jay Leno is a shallow-souled jerk” (and you haven’t filled the whole bilding) here’s some more damning evidence.