You never know, she could have a highly in-tune vagina with a remarkably artistic spirit. And since it’s from the birth experience, it’s intensely majickal and wombynly.
Or, you know, we could just leave it at “My lady bits made this in their artistic ability.”
If you could soak the area with disinfectant grade bleach and then let it dry, it would make the area safe from a health perspective.
Since I doubt you can treat a memory foam mattress this way, and you’d still be sleeping on a bloody placenta stain, I’m going to say no. But hey, maybe there’s someone with a placenta fetish who would love this mattress.
I could easily cover that up with my favorite linens. I don’t see why a huge biological stain should prevent me from buying a stranger’s used mattress pad. How much for the rest of the placenta?
Now that I’ve read this again more carefully, something seems fishy. I can’t understand why she doesn’t want this anymore. This offer is too good to be true.
The real question is, why is she/he selling something so precious? This could easily be cut out, framed, and sold on Etsy for KAJILLIONS OF DOLLARS! OOAK, very unique!
Sometimes I skip to the picture before I read the article. Some of this crap is so deformed or abnormal it’s like a game trying to figure out what it is.
I thought the stains were steaks, the steaks were for sale, and she was showcasing them on her mattress. Of course, now that I’ve read everything and know what is actually for sale, everything makes SO MUCH MORE SENSE. Certainly less disgusting than bed-steaks, and almost as romantic ♥
OMG, a couple of years ago, my brother in law died at home alone in a fairly large midwestern city. He had been in his bed for a couple of days when he was found, ’nuff said. Anyway, when we went to clean out his apartment, we carried his King mattress to the complex dumpster and it was similar to this “slightly” stained condition. Someone STOLE the damn thing from the dumpster and took of it with it! I wish I was kidding.
Whatsthisfockery, I’m sorry for laughing uproariously about the events following your brother-in-law’s death, but that’s hysterical. I imagine these are the same people that would find a rug roll, drag it home, put the body in the dumpster, and proudly display the rug in their living room.
For goodness sake people if there’s a chance of an accident keep a layer of plastic or a mattress protector under your sheets. In fact, its always a good idea if you don’t want to keep replacing the mattress every time there’s a bodily function on it. Plus it keeps the mattress from filling up with dust mite doodoo.
This reminds me of a friend who rented a furnished room once. After he’d been there a few weeks or so, he pulled the mattress cover off the bed to wash it and discovered a huge blood stain. Turns out the previous tenant had committed suicide on the bed, and the owner had just covered it up without saying anything to his new renter. EW!
I read this as “finding the face of the Virgin Mother on your diva cup”…and it made perfect sense to me (wombynly arts, ya know). Have I had too much Regretsy or too much wine?
Answer the ad, find out where she lives, and avoid her at all costs from now on. I doubt this is a one-time thing. Remember–her child has to be potty trained. Just IMAGINE what “blessed” linens she’ll be selling after that!
My favorite part is that the shape of the afterbirth stain is presented like a bonus, because it’s “Heart shaped”. Like, if it was penis-shaped, that might be a bad thing, but hey, it’s a heart so all is well!
Huh. well. if you are going to word it that way it just makes the whole thing seem gross now. Before it was romantic but the illusion has been shattered.
So far the best I can muster is the Aleutian Islands . . . and only when I pull out . . .
My artistic ability isn’t the only thing that’s “shot” at that point.
“I hate to sell this, because it IS so sentimental, but I can no longer be selfish…so I’m now selling this magikal fertility mattress with the ultimate image of spermination. All biological fluids have been cleaned,leaving just the essence of impregnation. It brought me three beautiful children.
For those of you who want children, I guarantee that if you use this mattress, after a number of unions of the yoni and the rod of God, you will—if the Goddess of Fertility so wills it—be large with child in your wombyn’s womb. If you want to name the first one after me, I won’t complain!!!!!”
They really lucked out with that heart shaped design. If it hadn’t turned out so beautifully then giving birth in their luxurous Tempurpedic bed would have seemed like a really stupid idea.
Come on, give her some credit! She was obviously going for a stain shaped like the Virgin Mary. At least it looked like…something. Like a heart or a dinosaur or a rear end. She deserves a gold star.
brenda dickson’s vagine
August 23, 2011 at 10:38 am
I just spent a week in a cadaver lab cleaning decapitated heads and didn’t gag once, but this picture is seriously testing my ability to keep my chunks unblown.
Of course it’s fresh! She wants to get this the HELL outta her house, so she has room to set up her new mattress, and be able to finally sleep in her own bed again. *retch*
There is no way in hell I’m ever going to give birth on a bed. I just can’t get past the ick factor. I mean, I know people in The Old Days did it, but they also didn’t have epidurals, either. Their idea of an epidural was biting down on a stick.
People in The Old Days also had lacking hygiene, babies who didn’t survive infancy, mothers who died because of childbirth, and so on. Sure, that’s what I want! I want to give birth on my bed, bloodstains and all, and bite down on a stick for the pain. Because that’s what being a womyn is all about.
@BB Amazeballs: Aw, thanks! I hate to admit it, but I’m at work as I type this (so much for THAT firewall!). I don’t have a home computer, so I jump on and off as I hit a lull or need to let loose some snark. It’s really very healthy for me. Granted, it can get SO tense in the operating room, so I think I’m doing them all a favor when I yell, “Stop! You’ve GOT to see this gif someone just posted! No, no, watch!!” but hey, I’m the brain surgeon* so they have to do what I say!
My sister-in-law was also a home birth, but I’m pretty sure my mother-in-law didn’t give birth on her bed without some way of making sure it didn’t get blood all over it.
Actually in The Old Days ™ it was done standing up which is actually much better due to, you know, gravity and all of that crazy hippie stuff. So if these guys had done a truly old-timey birth they would be selling a rug with a stain shaped like a peaceful cloud. So soothing.
Hospital birthing methods could stand to be changed – the position exists for the convenience of the doctors, nothing else. Thing is, just because one side is wrong doesn’t mean the other is right, so the fact that hospital childbirth sucks in some ways doesn’t mean that doing it at home with no painkillers and without a c-section even in emergencies is the “right” way to do it.
Plus…these people needed to put some fucking plastic down on the bed first.
Happy “the link you clicked on was actually LESS disgusting than you expected” day MustacheFart. This day comes around very rarely.
Also, the birthing stool is meant to make it so that the mother doesn’t really have to push that much, as pushing can strain muscles and such and so the stool prevents such other stool-y moments..
Home births aren’t as crazy as a lot of you seem to think. Here in the UK, the NHS will support a home birth if the mother is judged low-risk. They provide a midwife, and because it’s being monitored, you can get transferred pretty quick if there’s an emergency.
You’re right–I’d be worried the mattress’s memory would come back at the worst moments, letting out bloodcurdling screams and epithets of “God damn it, if you ever want to have even the slimmest hope of getting near me again you’d better get me a fucking epidural NOW…TAKE IT OUT, TAKE IT OUT NOW! Rip the spawn of Satan out of my womb I don’t care if you use a fucking Oreck vacuum and a meat hook!!”
At the risk of asking a LOGICAL question, if this is so wonderful and magickal and so sentimental and all of that, why on earth are they getting rid of it? Also: Eeeeeeew. Do. NOT. Want.
A) Why have the baby on your expensive mattress?
B) Why not use a mattress cover?
C) Why not just keep it if it’s really that easy to cover up?
D) WTF is wrong with these people?
Once I took nursing anatomy for kicks and giggles. The students in that section were particularly dumb (except the respiratory therapy students for some reason.)
I jokingly said that the answer to #18 on the final was Q (A, B, C, D, E being the choices). About 20 or so of the nursing students were convinced I’d stolen an answer key and was holding out on them even after I stressed the joke part. The respiratory therapy students thought it was funny.
I requested a class roster so I could carry it with me if I ever had to go to the hospital (it could be my black-list). They wouldn’t give me one.
The *actual* nurses I’ve met are all really wonderful people. The nursing *students* however, terrify me. Last semester the same guy was in two of my classes. He was failing psych tests that were ludicrously easy, and by the math midterm still wasn’t sure what a variable was.
manybells, that reminds me of this dink in a culinary school I’d transferred to (very briefly) who was taking senior classes and about to graduate but didn’t know the first thing about anything including how to turn on an oven. Yes, this was a man you wanted around an open flame:-p
Agent,
Worse things have happened here. In a GRADUATE pathophysiology course one GIRL asked the question (and I quote), “When you’re pregnant do you menstruate out of your anus?” The professor actually had to explain to the girl that 1. You don’t menstruate when you’re pregnant and 2. That both systems were separate and women have 3 holes. This was A GIRL. IN GRADUATE SCHOOL. I had to walk out so I wouldn’t scream at her to leave because she was too much of a f***ing idiotic douchenugget to be there.
@manybellsdown I used to volunteer in a hospital with AWESOME nurses. I was hoping these would be weeded out, but I wanted the roster out of fear that they’d get through.
@andlikeit *headsmack*
It amazes me how some people are perfectly happy to run around the world in a perpetual state of ignorance.
Jesus Fucking Christ. What the fuck is wrong with people?
Sentimental value? Motherfuck…my brain can hardly get around this. This has to be a set up. Where’s the hidden mic?
How dare you shame womyn like this! Childbirth and placentas are just as natural as breastfeeding and hillbilly bajingo soap! This is one joke too many! Goodbye forever you fat, ugly, jealous losers!
I, likewise, am quite happy with my wincing, bespectacled hexagon. Though I am not certain whether the poor creature is having painful sex, or simply seeing any number of the items that get posted here.
Sometimes I’m like “Not tonight, honey, I have a headache.” or “Not tonight, dear, I’m knitting.” And my boyfriend is all “Come on! It’s been weeks! What if we shared our fantasies? Or watched some tasteful, wombyn-directed porn? Or… well, what would work for you?” And I say “I just wish… I wish we had a mattress stained with the afterbirth and amniotic fluid and poop and all the other amazing excretions of labor.”
No kidding. I got one even though I wasn’t having a home birth; just wanted to make sure my water didn’t break on it, and it wasn’t even very new or expensive at all. Makes you wonder what ELSE has been carelessly splattered on it.
Cowboy Leg Beautiful Pole
August 23, 2011 at 12:07 pm
This is the part I don’t get. Was there not a free moment between the time she discovered she was pregnant and the subsequent crotch explosion to maybe grab a Hefty bag?
I was just thinking much the same thing, as I’m only a bit away from this, in Denton. But.. damn. Not sure I could keep a straight face as she waxes poetic over her “slightly noticable” Cooch Juice stain.
Oh my god… all it takes is a black plastic trash bag to stop this kind of tragedy from occurring. Over her head or under her butt, either one would have worked. x_x
That show makes me wonder who goes through several months of morning sickness, a growing belly, no period, kicking and the like and not realize they are pregnant. It is a wonder that the authorities don’t take the resulting kidlets away for their own safety.
I think the message is supposed to be, “birth control, because you don’t want to be this big a moron.”
The first episode I watched had a woman who had an IUD, didn’t see a change in her menses, and gained less than 10lbs. Then one day she felt stomach pains and had a baby in the bathroom.
My SO doesn’t let me watch that show since all nookie is cancelled for at least 24 hours afterward…
My mom had a friend not know she was pregnant. She had repeatedly gone to a stomach doctor because she was having terrible stomach pains, and had her period the whole time. They told her it was extremely bad ulcers- and started her on all sorts of meds. She had her period the whole time! Anyways, she had pain so bad that she went to the hospital, and walked out with a baby.
It’s not all that uncommon for women to continue menstruating, but the doctor that diagnosed her with ulcers? Wow… someone was in denial and it was not the mother to be.
@Purple with all the freaky shit that happens during pregnancy, I wouldn’t be shocked if she DID develop ulcers. However, I’m would have imagined they did bloodwork or something and no one noticed she was preggers?
Anyways, I am TERRIFIED of this shit. In all honesty, you actually do NOT need very many additional calories to grow a baby. This ‘eat whatever I want because I’m makin’ a clone’ is total bullshit and that’s why women gain so much weight during pregnancy. I may be misquoting but I think my nutrition teacher said you only need about 100 additional calories per day to support a fetus. So if you are, say, obese and consuming too many calories anyways you could get preggers and NEVER notice! God! I am boycotting nookie forever now!
Alice88Wa (in case this pops up in the wrong place).
The calories needed varies according to the stage of the pregnancy. When you get towards the end, it’s more in the area of 500 or so (same with BF-ing after baby is born).
Most women gain way too much, though. You’re going to gain 15 or so from the baby itself, fluids, etc. Really, though I don’t understand why they say a skinny person needs to gain 30 pounds for a pregnancy. It’s not like you’re laying on a layer of blubber for winter, you know?
I’ve always lost weight with my pregnancies. 10 pounds with the first and 15 with the second. I’m obese so no one was worried.
Holy Bajoly!
I was looking for a new bed WITH placenta stains (preferably heart-shaped) because I was wanting something to romance up my home in the sewer.
One question though – can I see how it looks in a room? It may not go with my dripping sewage decor.
I have no idea why I expected it to be less horrible than it is.
I do like the way they mention it’s been sanitized and the shape of it in the same breath, as though if you put enough spins on it in one go you might forget what made it to begin with.
I’m leaving no links. The only site I had the stomach to visit said “I am disappointed so far no one has contacted me on the forums.” So at least there’s that.
This is crazy enough that I had to finally register to comment.
WTF? If there is so much sentimental value in this to her, why is she trying to foist it off as ROMANTIC? I really want to roll around where someone’s afterbirth has been. Gross.
Plus, I thought in most states that it is not legal to sell a used mattress. Just for reasons like this.
I’m totally going to flounce because this wasn’t an Etsy listing.
“. . . a person may not sell secondhand bedding or bedding manufactured in whole or in part from secondhand or recycled material unless the bedding has been germicidally treated and cleaned by a method approved by the department . . . A person may not apply a germicidal process unless:
(1)the process has been registered with and approved by the department; and
(2)the person has a numbered germicidal treatment permit issued by the department.”
How much you want to bet that this seller did NOT have it professionally treated by someone with a permit?
No, no, no, Febreze is made out of dangerous mass-produced chemicals, and is promoted by the nasty anti-wombyn companies to shame us about our natural bodily oozings.
She probably applied a natural cleanser like, I dunno, lemon juice, or patchouli.
The cover has obviously been dry cleaned, that’s the only way to set blood stains in such a “fresh” color. Dry cleaning is not the same as sanitizing. Which leaves me wondering what they did about the soak-through to the mattress underneath. Left out in the sun to dry?
It’s a state-by-state law kinda thing – and in the ones you CAN sell used bedding, you have to have it professionally cleaned – AND TAGGED – before it can be sold. I’m guessing it can’t get a tag if it has a huge-ass blood stain on it…
Before I even consider buying this mattress, I’d need to see the mattress under a black light to see what other bodily fluids are present. I’m trying to decide whether I’d be more grossed out by these blood stains or by semen stains. They’re neck in neck in yuckiness.
“[...] the words of ‘placenta-preparer’ Jennifer Mayer don’t do much to dispel the notion that placentophagia is a flakey hippie phenomenon. While getting ready to cook one new mother’s afterbirth, she says, ‘Some are really intense, with grief or sadness or uncertainty. This one is pretty joyful. It’s big and round, and so fresh!’ “
——————————————————
You can’t go wrong with a “joyful” placenta!
I know pinky mice are jam packed with calcium and goodness because of the mother’s milk in their stomachs and forming bones. I wonder if the same is true for humans.
Well I almost had myself talked into buying it. But they already flagged it for removal. My Ex-Washed Up Whore of a Wife needs a mattress. I would love nothing more right now than to get it for her.
The BEST thing about Magic Eye? The farther away from the object you move, the clearer the image. I’m thinking a small island off the coast of Maine might offer the best viewing options.
Wait! Lying in someone else’s afterbirth stains is a good luck charm for those trying to conceive? I’m taking my infertile ass of to the local birthing center to ask if I can roll in their dirty laundry.
I am so glad I live in the civillized Northeast where it is ILLEGAL TO SELL USED MATTRESSES. I will be printing this out to hand to the next person who asks why.
1 year old for a mattress also isn’t “almost new”.
What?! That’s just too sane. The other day I passed a “furniture sale” with 5 used mattresses stacked up outside on the dirty cement in the disgusting Florida humidity. And you know what? It’s too much of a hassle to bring them indoors at night, so as a bonus whoever buys the top mattress also gets to savor the aroma of the bum who probably sleeps on it at night.
I once knew a guy who purchased a mattress from a hotel that was renovating. His friends were like, “Dude,someone could’ve DIED in your bed at one point.”
He said, “I prefer to think of it like JFK could’ve been IN my bed at one point.”
They probably are trying to recoup ruining a really expensive bed. I don’t think you can even donate mattresses to charity any more. No one would even steal that from the side of the road.
But I bet bedbugs would find it yummy.
It’s actually just as illegal in Texas, and I’m sure dumb people in the Northeast also break the rules and do it. Thus, your regional arrogance is pathetic and laughable.
Seriously, out of all the squidgy gross things I’ve seen on Regretsy, this is the one that made me want to yak. And that would be a waste of the perfectly good Percoset I just took. WTF are people thinking??
I have not said a word about any of the placenta nonsense that shows up here because when you fat jealous losers go and get yourselves pregnant, you will all realize that you, too, are the FIRST PREGNANT WOMBYN EVAR and you will see how awesome the idea of placentophagy really is.
But I cannot be silent on this, no. THAT SHIT IS WAY TOO BIG TO BE FROM A PLACENTA, YO. That’s like she rubbed it on her non-Regretsian ass and then planted it in the middle of that mattress. My god. It looks more like a shark cesarean. What the hell was she DOING when she had that baby? Is this from Octomom?
I’m thinking more Bella Cullen nee Swann, she of the rib-cracking, spine-snapping mutant baby delivered by vampire cesarean. It might actually sell to that audience, come to think of it.
In all seriousness, normal childbirth IS generally kinda bloody, and it’s not just the placenta. All kinds of fluids coming out of there. But *I* left mine in the hospital where it belongs.
Any chance that the “mother” in question is someone who was having a period from hell, took a couple of pills and passed out…and stuff passed out…for the whole night?
I think it was a bloody birth, and she ended up imprinting the mattress with her butt. All the ranting about a trash bag aside, they probably had something there, because you’ll note it’s all pretty much in that one area. I suspect someone stripped the plastic stuff along with the placenta, and the mom, still bloody, was allowed to plop back down on the bare bed–which you will do, because having just delivered a baby will kind of discombobble you.
Why isn’t this on Etsy? Totes adorbs, and beats the ol’ placenta stamp print any day.
I want this for my hobo wedding night, when we caress our sweat glistening bodies under the hair-and-nail-dreamcatcher, on the crappy-jute-bag-pillows.
Is anyone really thinking to themselves, “Hmmm, Jim and I sure have lost that lovin’ feeling. I’ll bet rolling around on an ass shaped stain made from a stranger’s biological waste would really spark things back up!”
This person cannot exist. Not even in this seller’s effed up imagination. Right? Right??
Good grief you commenters are in rare form with the hilarity today! If I laugh any harder I’m going to hork up a lung! And thanks, peeps; I needed a good laugh today. Now I’m going to take another medication cocktail and quiver on the sofa under a pile of kitties.
This is the one place online where people understand the reference. Everywhere else it’s too obscure. But then it takes a quick, finely tuned mind to understand the subtleties of humor in that film.
“So you say that your mother gave birth TO you ON you and is now trying to sell you on Craigslist? And that’s ok? You don’t think that you’re floating down the River of Denial in a crazy-ass pontoon? No? Well, how’s that working out for you?”
Phil confronts a repressed memory foam that won’t admit its own mother wants to sell it to get more money for glue gun sticks and bedazzling glitter. Today, on Dr. Phil. Don’t miss it—you’ll never forgive yourself, or forget, if you do!
I thought, since I opened the bold, I could close the bold, but alas, that was not to be. You’re right, Rushfirl2112, I could have left the italics open as well.
It looks like she set her afterbirth on one side, rubbed it into the mattress for good measure, and then flipped it over and stamped the other side. Cause that could be why she is referring to the ‘heart shape’ as a design…
Other than that, I might pay $5 to regretsians who are close to this scary lady to drive over and have their pictures’s taken with it.
It just blows me away that this is posted like it’s not only an okay thing, but, a wanted thing. *shudder*
In no way is this a ‘slight cosmetic issue’ in fact, not only is her posting in violation of Craigslist TOS section 7n by both having the prohibited item bodily fluid and is an illegal item to sell in TX (unless you have a re-seller license), she actually faces jail time and a hefty fine if she manages to sell the thing and gets reported.
I see that the listing has been flagged for removal. The seller has just strolled into a shit-storm, and it is entirely her fault. Enjoy your court date, mama!
OMFG! Just burn it, bitch. Or if you think it is so fabulous, keep using it.
Who on earth would give birth on her own bed with a $1500 mattress? Obviously money means something to her since she is trying to sell it for $500, so why not get a cheap mattress to throw away in the first place.
Exactly, or she could have just spent $50 for a waterproof mattress cover for her $1500 investment. I mean really, did she think giving birth was a moisture/mess-free process?
oh, and just one teeny tiny little cosmetic detail. I seemed to have spilled a *little* bit of bodily fluid and medical waste on it. oopsy! but it’s ok cause I cleaned it up. and look at the character it adds!
Like you are going to read it and be like “oh how cute! I don’t even need linens – it has it’s own design!”
‘Placenta/bloodstains easily covered by your favorite linens.’ stitched over a bed with blood dripping out under the coverlet into a pool on the floor. And bordered with the words ‘Noticable afterbirth stains add that extra spark to your love life.’
If I cross stitched I would hang it in the guest room over the stain that has nothing to do with the child I gave birth to in there.
The real secret here is that it is not from childbirth. It sounds to me like she is disposing of evidence. Otherwise, if it is so f*cking fantastic, why not keep it?
I’m not that squeamish and this made me want to throw out my OWN bed. Bet you a fiver the husband is making her get rid of it and this is some sort of bet between them on whether or not it can get sold. I can only imagine that seeing your wife spit a bloody human being onto your bed makes for sleepless future nights.
I think this could be great!
It’s like those sex things…
EXAMPLE: The Bucking Bronco – in the middle of sex, you tell your partner that you slept with their brother/sister and then hang on…there are many variations of this, but now we have:
I “HEART(stain)” Tempurpedic!: first, tie your partner to the bed, mount up, then show them the photo from this posting and tell them this is the mattress they are currently tied to..then hang on!
I wanna know what the opposite side of it looks like. I’m surprised she didn’t just say “Hey, you can always just flip it over!” Um, so can you, fucknut…
If it’s sentimental, why aren’t they keeping it? Really, ones placenta is only sentimental to them. Others want to bury that crap in the backyard and be done with it.
I actually wrote the seller and asked that exact question. They wrote back with some complaint about how they’re getting harassed on the internets and don’t really want to talk about it. (awww!) But short story is that home birth was unplanned and unprepared, the mother-in-law bought then a replacement mattress, and now they’re selling this one to have more money to spend on the baby. They seemed totally oblivious to the fact that if they don’t want to sleep on it anymore, no stranger would want to either. And if it’s *really* sentimental and they *really* need money for the kid, how about selling the new one the MIL got them, and keeping the one with sentimental stain value?
You know, when I helped my elderly Mom buy her Tempurpedic mattress, I thought, “Hey, it wouldn’t be the worst idea in the world to get the waterproof mattress cover just in case.” I’m pretty sure if I were considering a mattress TO GIVE BIRTH ON the same thought would occur to me.
I gotta side with the waterproof cover, and it needs to go on there no later than about 8 months along. Last-minute covers aren’t going to help you if your water breaks overnight without warning. Unless of course you LIKE the thought of an amniotic fluid-soaked mattress . . . I don’t.
Fuck that – we have a waterproof cover still, and we can’t even conceive! Um, “love juice” seeps into foam mattresses too…..so does sweat…..I prefer a cover I can wash, thanks…
I would like to know how she sterilized it? Its obvious that it was not thrown into a incinerator and burned (which is what should happen). Bodily fluids are dangerous thats why you need a special clean up crew after someone kills themselves in your easy shop.
Sooo sad… this has been flagged for removal on Craigslist, now Mr & Mrs Placentian won’t be able to give their gift to the world (at a great discount!).
Um, why would someone give birth on JUST THE MATTRESS?! Why not add this romantic addition to your actual linens (or towels, or plastic wrap…) and use that to remember the day you give birth while you kick back with a placenta smoothie in your hand?
Don’t you have any class? Everyone knows you take the stained linens and turn them into a table cloth or a hipster toga. “See the placenta blood? That’s mine.” Sheesh, get some culture would you?
We did once have a dog who bled all over a comforter while being rushed to the vet with a cut mouth–and we washed the comforter on cold, and then on hot a couple of time, and kept using it. But that was FAMILY.
We would never have tried to make a guest sleep under the dog-blood-stained comforter, let alone SELL it.
Why in the hell would someone give birth directly onto their mattress?? Are they just disgusting to start with and never use sheets? That memory foam shit has fairly nasty fabric on it – kinda like velcro….eeeew…..
Yeah, I still maintain it’s seepage through a thin sheet – I’ve seen what happened to our old mattress (see above for reference to failed waterproof pad) when my water broke….that was one fucked up stain….
Looks like something you’d find at Dexter’s yard sale. “Oh, never mind the blood stains, you can just cover them right up. In fact, I have the Shroud of Turin in case you need bedding.”
A few weeks ago I watched a goat deliver her placenta. She ate about half of it before the chickens got ahold of it through the fence and stole it, and ate most of the rest of it themselves. And all I could think was, I sure wish I had a video camera so I could share this moment with Regretsy.
I am a home birth nurse midwife. I have touched every body fluid & solid known to man, and some known only to women. I can eat while discussing blood and placentas, and the smell of cautery just makes me hungry for barbecue. And even *I* find this completely revolting (and how-the-heck did they “sanitize” foam???).
Totally not making this up. My friend had a roommate who was a major (12 pack a night) alcoholic. When the dude moved out he left his room a mess, the worst being his bed. He had literally cut a hole in it so he wouldn’t have to get up to pee. He’d just pee in the hole and and stuff a fresh towel in there every once in awhile. So when my friend cleaned out the room he found a mattress with a hole in it stuffed with urine soaked towels. The kicker to the story? He wanted me to help him “donate” it to Goodwill. I’m not talking just drop it off by the door and leave donating, he honestly thought they’d take it and resell it. And yes, he is that stupid.
We got an expensive new mattress when i was pregnant and we also got a plastic mattress protector, I hated the way it crinkled when we moved but it sure beat having me trash it if my water ever broke like on the movies.
I’m pro homebirth but I think that is one of the most disgusting things I’ve ever seen and they best be cutting their losses and throwing the damn mattress out. They made the mess and they don’t even want to sleep on it!
I’m less offended by the placenta stain, than I am by the “starting high due to it’s sentimental value” line! Nobody gives a shit about the sentimental value your bloody mattress has to you! You also have to love how it’s listed as a P.S., like, “Oh yea, no big deal, but…”
There is something not quite fair dinkum about this posting.. Troll? I cannot for a moment think that someone would be serious enough to try and flog a mattress with such a distressing stain. Hang on a minute….this was on Etsy right? I stand to be corrected. She probably is serious. Bloody hell. (no pun intended)
They really need some help with marketing. All they really should have said is that they were doing that stupid “jump on the bed with a glass of red wine” test that all the commercials show when things went awry.
“this expensive mattress is now so nasty that I do not want to keep it but I’m a cheap bitch and so am trying to anything to unload this ‘bastion of comfort’ on some stupid fool. If I can do this, the stain will be MY good-luck charm.”
That sounds awesome. I should have kept my old one that had one discolored corner due to dog puke…I had no idea that biohazard stains were so good for the resell value.
HDTV for sale! Unfortunately, there is a slight gay-porn image burned into the screen. But if you squint and cock your head a bit, it looks like two dolphins playing with a pink beach ball! 600 dollars for the TV plus a remote and a bottle of Jergens.
I recognized Plano as being near me, and curious, I searched Craigslist to see if this was still posted – of course not. Curiously, though, a search for “placenta” pulled up 2 other ads by dealers for memory foam mattresses – they added “placenta” to that paragraph of tiny words they include at the end of ads to make theirs come up more frequently during searches. And did I mention, EWWWWWWWWW?
First of all, pardon my French. But, as a nurse, I have to ask.. why in fuck’s name did you feel the need to flip that nasty fucking thing over before snapping that lovely (gag) picture??? I mean, COME ON! If we had to see the aftermath, why not show the bloody corpse of the deceased organ. Did you REALLY think there was a market for “full living color of a dead organ never needed for anything BUT relieving a human woman of a parasite.” UGH!!!
In retrospect… please wrap that Holy relic in plastic until I can get there with my fruitful oins and give forth the fruits of my labor. PRETTY PLEASE???
I really wish Craigslist had a view it in a room option. I’d want to make sure it matched the stains matched the colour of the ones on my walls and floor.
August 23, 2011 at 10:10 am
“Slightly” – I do not think this means what you think it means.
August 23, 2011 at 10:38 am
I love it when I come to comment and the very first one is my exact thought.
August 23, 2011 at 11:47 am
The same goes for “design”.
August 23, 2011 at 1:38 pm
You never know, she could have a highly in-tune vagina with a remarkably artistic spirit. And since it’s from the birth experience, it’s intensely majickal and wombynly.
Or, you know, we could just leave it at “My lady bits made this in their artistic ability.”
August 23, 2011 at 1:50 pm
Inmediasres, you are SO Regretsy!
August 23, 2011 at 2:49 pm
Sounds like a sampler to me.
August 23, 2011 at 4:59 pm
“My lady bits made this in their artistic ability”
Ooh yes, a sampler or even the perfect saying for a baby’s onesie!
August 24, 2011 at 9:11 am
I would buy said sampler
August 23, 2011 at 4:14 pm
Also, “sanitized”. There is nothing you can do short of incinerating that mattress to make it sanitary.
August 23, 2011 at 9:59 pm
Oh, I don’t know. If it’s really been thoroughly cleaned, that part wouldn’t bother me so much.
The idea of paying $500 for a bloodstained mattress WOULD bother me.
Does that make any sense at all?
August 23, 2011 at 10:20 pm
There is no way that an expanse of foam that large, with that amount of… stuff… on it can be properly sanitized, ever.
August 24, 2011 at 1:48 pm
If you could soak the area with disinfectant grade bleach and then let it dry, it would make the area safe from a health perspective.
Since I doubt you can treat a memory foam mattress this way, and you’d still be sleeping on a bloody placenta stain, I’m going to say no. But hey, maybe there’s someone with a placenta fetish who would love this mattress.
August 23, 2011 at 6:09 pm
Yes! “Design,” like it was planned to look like that.
I’ll take “Incredible bullshit for $500!”
(And it’s not heart-shaped, it’s ass-shaped.)
August 23, 2011 at 9:47 pm
I was leaning more toward pelvic bone shaped… which I guess still fits..O.o
August 23, 2011 at 3:55 pm
To be fair I think when she says slightly noticeable she means by people with cataracts.
August 23, 2011 at 10:10 am
I could easily cover that up with my favorite linens. I don’t see why a huge biological stain should prevent me from buying a stranger’s used mattress pad. How much for the rest of the placenta?
August 23, 2011 at 10:13 am
Now that I’ve read this again more carefully, something seems fishy. I can’t understand why she doesn’t want this anymore. This offer is too good to be true.
August 23, 2011 at 10:17 am
The real question is, why is she/he selling something so precious? This could easily be cut out, framed, and sold on Etsy for KAJILLIONS OF DOLLARS! OOAK, very unique!
August 23, 2011 at 10:36 am
The only way this could be worse is if it came with the baby.
August 23, 2011 at 11:03 am
Tracey Emin should snap it up.
August 23, 2011 at 11:13 am
Sometimes I skip to the picture before I read the article. Some of this crap is so deformed or abnormal it’s like a game trying to figure out what it is.
I thought the stains were steaks, the steaks were for sale, and she was showcasing them on her mattress. Of course, now that I’ve read everything and know what is actually for sale, everything makes SO MUCH MORE SENSE. Certainly less disgusting than bed-steaks, and almost as romantic ♥
August 23, 2011 at 11:14 am
…My other comment wasn’t supposed to be a reply… I’m going to… go crawl into a hole and die now…
August 23, 2011 at 12:52 pm
Seriously? LESS disgusting than bed-steaks?! I have to disagree.
August 23, 2011 at 3:36 pm
Rev, the only way it could be worse is if it came with the placenta & a placenta recipe book or a block of breast milk cheese.
August 23, 2011 at 12:03 pm
Maybe that blood stain is NOT from afterbirth, but after death. Getting rid of evidence, are we?
August 23, 2011 at 6:38 pm
OMG, a couple of years ago, my brother in law died at home alone in a fairly large midwestern city. He had been in his bed for a couple of days when he was found, ’nuff said. Anyway, when we went to clean out his apartment, we carried his King mattress to the complex dumpster and it was similar to this “slightly” stained condition. Someone STOLE the damn thing from the dumpster and took of it with it! I wish I was kidding.
December 18, 2011 at 11:14 am
If it weren’t for mattresses people have died on, what would crackheads drag into abandoned buildings?
August 23, 2011 at 8:01 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
August 23, 2011 at 10:50 pm
Well, now that you’ve enlightened them, I’m sure they’re going to track down the mattress snatcher and rectify the problem.
August 24, 2011 at 1:51 pm
Whatsthisfockery, I’m sorry for laughing uproariously about the events following your brother-in-law’s death, but that’s hysterical. I imagine these are the same people that would find a rug roll, drag it home, put the body in the dumpster, and proudly display the rug in their living room.
August 24, 2011 at 7:49 pm
For goodness sake people if there’s a chance of an accident keep a layer of plastic or a mattress protector under your sheets. In fact, its always a good idea if you don’t want to keep replacing the mattress every time there’s a bodily function on it. Plus it keeps the mattress from filling up with dust mite doodoo.
August 23, 2011 at 10:13 am
Going to work up some good ol’ placenta art with it?
August 23, 2011 at 8:33 pm
Yeah I’m disappointed she didn’t give us the pattern so we could make our own!
Also — just asking for a friend — could this be done with previously-frozen afterbirth?
August 23, 2011 at 10:15 am
They ate the rest of the placenta, duh!
http://www.regretsy.com/2011/08/07/weekend-flashback-you-do-the-math-im-doing-the-placenta/
August 23, 2011 at 10:58 am
If they kept the leftovers, I know a good recipe (or sixteen). I’m pretty sure I saw it on Madventures that one time…
That said, I wonder if the mattress could be substituted in said recipes? It looks fresh… (gag)
August 23, 2011 at 10:59 am
This reminds me of a friend who rented a furnished room once. After he’d been there a few weeks or so, he pulled the mattress cover off the bed to wash it and discovered a huge blood stain. Turns out the previous tenant had committed suicide on the bed, and the owner had just covered it up without saying anything to his new renter. EW!
August 23, 2011 at 1:54 pm
oh god, that has to be illegal.
August 23, 2011 at 4:19 pm
Makes me wonder what was on the other side of the mattress since the owner didn’t flip it.
August 23, 2011 at 6:11 pm
Usually people only wonder about bedbugs. O.O
August 23, 2011 at 6:39 pm
What’s the problem, it was covered with his favorite linens? Jeesh.
August 25, 2011 at 11:29 am
They moved into a furnished place and didn’t immediately remove and wash the bedding?
August 23, 2011 at 10:10 am
Nothing says lovin’ like something from the oven.
August 23, 2011 at 10:18 am
What’s more romantic that someone else’s biohazardous waste? I know that’s what gets me going.
August 23, 2011 at 11:12 am
Frankly, I have a hard time getting my wettins on without the putrid smell of biohazard bin.
August 23, 2011 at 2:44 pm
Perhaps this opens up the market for things stained with bodily fluids -anyone want to buy my daughter’s old cloth diapers? only slightly stained….
August 23, 2011 at 10:31 am
This is merely the logical extreme of “love stain”; I’m sure the baby-dady left some of his behind too.
August 23, 2011 at 11:39 am
August 23, 2011 at 11:50 am
It rubs the icing on its rolls.
August 23, 2011 at 5:05 pm
Or else it gets the piping bag again.
August 23, 2011 at 12:13 pm
I loved you before. I want to cyberstalk you an eHump your leg now.
August 23, 2011 at 10:11 am
If it’s stained shouldn’t the price be LOWERED? I wouldn’t pay extra because someone popped out a crotchfruit on my ‘new’ mattress.
August 23, 2011 at 10:19 am
No no. See, now it’s better, like finding the face of the Virgin Mother on your pita chip.
August 23, 2011 at 1:53 pm
I would buy this mattress if only the stain were shaped like Jesus. Or Jesus eating a grilled placenta at the last supper.
August 23, 2011 at 6:14 pm
I read this as “finding the face of the Virgin Mother on your diva cup”…and it made perfect sense to me (wombynly arts, ya know). Have I had too much Regretsy or too much wine?
August 23, 2011 at 6:38 pm
No such thing!
August 23, 2011 at 10:22 am
But it’s heartshaped. And let’s not forget the sentimental value.
August 23, 2011 at 3:07 pm
Not only heartshaped but “sacred” according to the placentatards.
August 23, 2011 at 4:20 pm
“Placentatards!”
August 23, 2011 at 10:22 am
The price reflects the sentimental value she’s placed on it. That and the afterbirth.
August 23, 2011 at 10:58 am
If a heart-shaped placenta stain was the good luck charm/selling point implied, don’t you think Tempur-pedic would be adding them at the factory?
They could even have pregnant women giving birth during the infomercials.
August 23, 2011 at 11:10 am
The price IS lowered. The cheapest queen-size Tempurpedic is around $1,400. And that’s with the special introductory offer.
August 23, 2011 at 12:55 pm
My brain keeps trying to tell me that you’re saying the stain is the introductory offer. My spleen thinks my brain is wrong.
August 23, 2011 at 6:30 pm
“popped out a crotchfruit” <—I think this is my new favorite saying
August 23, 2011 at 10:12 am
The seller obviously doesn’t want their placenta-stained mattress, why the hell should anybody else?
I live in Plano and will now be suspicious of my woo-tastic neighbors.
August 23, 2011 at 10:52 am
Answer the ad, find out where she lives, and avoid her at all costs from now on. I doubt this is a one-time thing. Remember–her child has to be potty trained. Just IMAGINE what “blessed” linens she’ll be selling after that!
August 23, 2011 at 11:10 am
Yeah, if I lived in Plano, I would definitely have to know who this nutjob is!
August 23, 2011 at 1:54 pm
Even if just to alert the authorities.
August 24, 2011 at 6:06 pm
No, she probably still wants it. Her Hubs prolly said somethin’ like, “Get that stanky thing outta my house!”
August 23, 2011 at 10:12 am
My favorite part is that the shape of the afterbirth stain is presented like a bonus, because it’s “Heart shaped”. Like, if it was penis-shaped, that might be a bad thing, but hey, it’s a heart so all is well!
August 23, 2011 at 10:17 am
I think the fact that it’s a “heart-shaped DESIGN” attests to the seller’s artistic ability.
Or to the pharmaceutical cocktail she mixed into her placenta casserole.
August 23, 2011 at 10:20 am
Or the fact that it’s a print of her bloody ass.
August 23, 2011 at 11:15 am
Huh. well. if you are going to word it that way it just makes the whole thing seem gross now. Before it was romantic but the illusion has been shattered.
August 23, 2011 at 11:20 am
oh, that just made it MUCH better in my mind
August 23, 2011 at 1:09 pm
Bloody ass prints aren’t romantic? Huh, who knew?
August 23, 2011 at 1:46 pm
And this is precisely why, if you plan to give birth at home in their own bed, you PUT A PLASTIC SHEET ON THE DAMN THING.
August 23, 2011 at 11:38 am
I wish all of my bodily fluids landed in such recognizable shapes.
August 23, 2011 at 12:07 pm
You never achieved the map of Hawaii?
August 23, 2011 at 12:13 pm
I got Colorado once.
August 23, 2011 at 12:56 pm
Colorado takes a LOT of discipline and precision. Quite the enviable achievement, Steampunk O!
August 23, 2011 at 3:34 pm
I managed Lake Erie once!
August 25, 2011 at 1:57 am
So far the best I can muster is the Aleutian Islands . . . and only when I pull out . . .
My artistic ability isn’t the only thing that’s “shot” at that point.
August 23, 2011 at 10:20 am
A penis shaped placenta stain might actually sell better. This is the Internet… Penis is kind of a big deal.
August 23, 2011 at 10:58 am
Sales copy for such a stained item:
“I hate to sell this, because it IS so sentimental, but I can no longer be selfish…so I’m now selling this magikal fertility mattress with the ultimate image of spermination. All biological fluids have been cleaned,leaving just the essence of impregnation. It brought me three beautiful children.
For those of you who want children, I guarantee that if you use this mattress, after a number of unions of the yoni and the rod of God, you will—if the Goddess of Fertility so wills it—be large with child in your wombyn’s womb. If you want to name the first one after me, I won’t complain!!!!!”
August 23, 2011 at 11:08 am
And I shall name the fruit of my loins Mugsy Doodle Lobster.
August 23, 2011 at 11:16 am
I don’t need a mattress, but could I borrow your “rod of God” for a while?
August 23, 2011 at 11:23 am
@Steampunk Octopus, I don’t even one available for myself!
August 23, 2011 at 6:16 pm
What’s that I hear? I think Madison Avenue is calling and asking for you, Mugsy!
August 23, 2011 at 4:40 pm
“Penis is kind of a big deal” should be a sampler.
August 23, 2011 at 10:58 am
They really lucked out with that heart shaped design. If it hadn’t turned out so beautifully then giving birth in their luxurous Tempurpedic bed would have seemed like a really stupid idea.
August 23, 2011 at 11:46 am
I know. Plastic sheet covers, anyone?
August 23, 2011 at 6:14 pm
Come on, give her some credit! She was obviously going for a stain shaped like the Virgin Mary. At least it looked like…something. Like a heart or a dinosaur or a rear end. She deserves a gold star.
/sarcasm
August 23, 2011 at 10:12 am
But it’s shaped like a heart, so it’s not gross, it’s romantic
August 23, 2011 at 10:13 am
Sentimental to seller does not mean sentimental to buyer.
Now,if you were trying to sell me BACK my own placenta stain…
maybeno.August 23, 2011 at 10:13 am
That is just utterly horrifying and foul and fresh looking.
August 23, 2011 at 10:38 am
I just spent a week in a cadaver lab cleaning decapitated heads and didn’t gag once, but this picture is seriously testing my ability to keep my chunks unblown.
August 23, 2011 at 10:53 am
“That looks fresh!” Was one of the many things I thought when I cautiously scrolled down.
August 23, 2011 at 11:41 am
Of course it’s fresh! She wants to get this the HELL outta her house, so she has room to set up her new mattress, and be able to finally sleep in her own bed again. *retch*
August 23, 2011 at 10:13 am
This could have been prevented. Who eats placenta in the bed? Savages.
August 23, 2011 at 10:15 am
I heart you.
August 23, 2011 at 10:54 am
And my mom used to think cookie crumbs were the worst thing you could get on the bed…
August 23, 2011 at 12:33 pm
I would certainly kick my spouse out of bed for eating placenta.
August 23, 2011 at 1:57 pm
“Placenta in Bed.” New single from Squeeze.
August 23, 2011 at 6:31 pm
August 23, 2011 at 10:13 am
And this, right here, is why if I ever have kids, I’ll do it in the hospital, the way God intended.
August 23, 2011 at 10:47 am
There is no way in hell I’m ever going to give birth on a bed. I just can’t get past the ick factor. I mean, I know people in The Old Days did it, but they also didn’t have epidurals, either. Their idea of an epidural was biting down on a stick.
People in The Old Days also had lacking hygiene, babies who didn’t survive infancy, mothers who died because of childbirth, and so on. Sure, that’s what I want! I want to give birth on my bed, bloodstains and all, and bite down on a stick for the pain. Because that’s what being a womyn is all about.
August 23, 2011 at 11:01 am
No, that’s what being a WOMBYN is all about!
August 23, 2011 at 5:09 pm
August 23, 2011 at 11:19 am
People in the Old Days didn’t try to sell their placenta-stained mattresses to total strangers.
August 23, 2011 at 11:24 am
No, they kept them and handed them down to the next generation.
August 23, 2011 at 12:15 pm
Mugsy, I adore you. Why are you not in the forums?
August 23, 2011 at 12:47 pm
@BB Amazeballs: Aw, thanks! I hate to admit it, but I’m at work as I type this (so much for THAT firewall!). I don’t have a home computer, so I jump on and off as I hit a lull or need to let loose some snark. It’s really very healthy for me. Granted, it can get SO tense in the operating room, so I think I’m doing them all a favor when I yell, “Stop! You’ve GOT to see this gif someone just posted! No, no, watch!!” but hey, I’m the brain surgeon* so they have to do what I say!
*No, I’m not a brain surgeon.
August 23, 2011 at 10:55 pm
@Mugsy: Even so, I’d be honored if you were my surgeon. At least there’d be some logical thinking going on then.
August 23, 2011 at 11:21 am
Ooo, look at all of that passion. Sounds like you are ready to plan the next shotgun wedding.
Move over Fauxbo’s; we plan to give the tradition of “bedding” a whole new meaning!
August 23, 2011 at 11:41 am
I was a home birth. My mom had a horrible experience in the hospital with my brother and didn’t want to repeat it.
She is kind of a hippy though…
August 23, 2011 at 5:11 pm
My sister-in-law was also a home birth, but I’m pretty sure my mother-in-law didn’t give birth on her bed without some way of making sure it didn’t get blood all over it.
August 23, 2011 at 3:03 pm
Actually in The Old Days ™ it was done standing up which is actually much better due to, you know, gravity and all of that crazy hippie stuff. So if these guys had done a truly old-timey birth they would be selling a rug with a stain shaped like a peaceful cloud. So soothing.
August 23, 2011 at 3:20 pm
Hospital birthing methods could stand to be changed – the position exists for the convenience of the doctors, nothing else. Thing is, just because one side is wrong doesn’t mean the other is right, so the fact that hospital childbirth sucks in some ways doesn’t mean that doing it at home with no painkillers and without a c-section even in emergencies is the “right” way to do it.
Plus…these people needed to put some fucking plastic down on the bed first.
August 23, 2011 at 3:29 pm
Or, you know, with a birthing stool.
August 23, 2011 at 5:10 pm
Oh, Incrustacean…
When my sister had her first baby, I learned that straining to push the baby out sometimes (pretty much all the time) makes the mother poop a little.
So I thought you were talking about a DIFFERENT kind of “birthing stool”.
And yet I still clicked on the link to see photos…
August 23, 2011 at 5:29 pm
Happy “the link you clicked on was actually LESS disgusting than you expected” day MustacheFart. This day comes around very rarely.
Also, the birthing stool is meant to make it so that the mother doesn’t really have to push that much, as pushing can strain muscles and such and so the stool prevents such other stool-y moments..
August 24, 2011 at 1:27 am
Home births aren’t as crazy as a lot of you seem to think. Here in the UK, the NHS will support a home birth if the mother is judged low-risk. They provide a midwife, and because it’s being monitored, you can get transferred pretty quick if there’s an emergency.
Having said that, I would NOT be brave enough!
August 23, 2011 at 10:13 am
Why isn’t it shaped like a tree? I thought placentas make good tree art…
August 23, 2011 at 1:58 pm
Or lollipops.
August 23, 2011 at 10:14 am
Damn! A memory foam mattress AND placenta art all in one. What a deal!
August 23, 2011 at 11:04 am
Something tells me that’s not what they meant by “memory foam.”
August 23, 2011 at 11:28 am
You’re right–I’d be worried the mattress’s memory would come back at the worst moments, letting out bloodcurdling screams and epithets of “God damn it, if you ever want to have even the slimmest hope of getting near me again you’d better get me a fucking epidural NOW…TAKE IT OUT, TAKE IT OUT NOW! Rip the spawn of Satan out of my womb I don’t care if you use a fucking Oreck vacuum and a meat hook!!”
August 23, 2011 at 11:36 am
What sort of attachment should we use on the Oreck?
August 23, 2011 at 12:29 pm
The Oreck is to clean up after the meat hook.
August 23, 2011 at 10:14 am
At the risk of asking a LOGICAL question, if this is so wonderful and magickal and so sentimental and all of that, why on earth are they getting rid of it? Also: Eeeeeeew. Do. NOT. Want.
August 23, 2011 at 10:35 am
IDK. There are other logical concerns.
A) Why have the baby on your expensive mattress?
B) Why not use a mattress cover?
C) Why not just keep it if it’s really that easy to cover up?
D) WTF is wrong with these people?
August 23, 2011 at 10:55 am
Multiple choice questions are so hard…
E)All of the above.
August 23, 2011 at 12:59 pm
Once I took nursing anatomy for kicks and giggles. The students in that section were particularly dumb (except the respiratory therapy students for some reason.)
I jokingly said that the answer to #18 on the final was Q (A, B, C, D, E being the choices). About 20 or so of the nursing students were convinced I’d stolen an answer key and was holding out on them even after I stressed the joke part. The respiratory therapy students thought it was funny.
I requested a class roster so I could carry it with me if I ever had to go to the hospital (it could be my black-list). They wouldn’t give me one.
August 23, 2011 at 1:45 pm
Yep, sounds like the nurses I work with.
August 23, 2011 at 3:39 pm
The *actual* nurses I’ve met are all really wonderful people. The nursing *students* however, terrify me. Last semester the same guy was in two of my classes. He was failing psych tests that were ludicrously easy, and by the math midterm still wasn’t sure what a variable was.
August 23, 2011 at 4:18 pm
manybells, that reminds me of this dink in a culinary school I’d transferred to (very briefly) who was taking senior classes and about to graduate but didn’t know the first thing about anything including how to turn on an oven. Yes, this was a man you wanted around an open flame:-p
August 23, 2011 at 4:54 pm
Agent,
Worse things have happened here. In a GRADUATE pathophysiology course one GIRL asked the question (and I quote), “When you’re pregnant do you menstruate out of your anus?” The professor actually had to explain to the girl that 1. You don’t menstruate when you’re pregnant and 2. That both systems were separate and women have 3 holes. This was A GIRL. IN GRADUATE SCHOOL. I had to walk out so I wouldn’t scream at her to leave because she was too much of a f***ing idiotic douchenugget to be there.
August 23, 2011 at 5:28 pm
No self-exploration there.
August 24, 2011 at 7:00 am
@manybellsdown I used to volunteer in a hospital with AWESOME nurses. I was hoping these would be weeded out, but I wanted the roster out of fear that they’d get through.
@andlikeit *headsmack*
It amazes me how some people are perfectly happy to run around the world in a perpetual state of ignorance.
August 23, 2011 at 10:14 am
Thank god the stain is HEART-SHAPED.
Otherwise, y’know, that mattress’d be all kinds of disgusting.
August 23, 2011 at 10:14 am
Jesus Fucking Christ. What the fuck is wrong with people?
Sentimental value? Motherfuck…my brain can hardly get around this. This has to be a set up. Where’s the hidden mic?
August 23, 2011 at 10:17 am
Slightly noticeable? This is the understatement of the century.
August 23, 2011 at 10:14 am
How dare you shame womyn like this! Childbirth and placentas are just as natural as breastfeeding and hillbilly bajingo soap! This is one joke too many! Goodbye forever you fat, ugly, jealous losers!
August 23, 2011 at 10:18 am
I’m with you! I was just getting ready to list my easy chair with the angel-shaped turd stain on it, but I can see it won’t be appreciated here.
August 23, 2011 at 10:19 am
Best Avatar-to-comment EVER.
August 23, 2011 at 10:37 am
Definitely, couldn’t have planned it better. I will never match mine so well, and sadly, I’m too retarded to figure out how to change my avatar.
August 23, 2011 at 11:55 am
Go to gravatar.com. Register an email. Upload an image. It will show up on all gravatar-enabled sites if you use the same email.
August 23, 2011 at 2:30 pm
You also have to log into your settings through HERE to change it – I had my email set different here from WordPress….it was all sorts of stupid…
August 23, 2011 at 10:58 am
I have always been happy with my screaming angry avatar face Regretsy gave me. I will never change it.
August 23, 2011 at 3:39 pm
Ditto, I love my monocled gay triangle.
August 23, 2011 at 5:37 pm
I, likewise, am quite happy with my wincing, bespectacled hexagon. Though I am not certain whether the poor creature is having painful sex, or simply seeing any number of the items that get posted here.
Possibly both simultaneously.
August 24, 2011 at 7:01 am
Mine is such a realistic portrait it’s positively uncanny. (Except I’m not blue in real life.)
August 23, 2011 at 10:20 am
Didn’t fool me for a second, you’re not flouncing, you just want a Flounce Cat.
August 23, 2011 at 10:22 am
Oh, flounce all you want, you know you’ll be back. You love the mutual abuse too much to stay away
August 23, 2011 at 10:14 am
Nothing like a placenta stain to set the mood in bed.
August 23, 2011 at 10:22 am
… that is, if the mood is in the “revulsion” family.
August 23, 2011 at 10:53 am
well, if someone’s a woolie and completely covers his/her body in wool, then maybe that stain wouldn’t be as noticeable?
OMG… can you freakin’ imagine? GAH!!!
August 23, 2011 at 5:07 pm
The problem at this point is that even gouging your eyes out won’t remove the mental image.
GAH! Indeed.
August 23, 2011 at 11:30 am
Call it “birth control”. Don’t Let This Happen To You!
August 23, 2011 at 1:40 pm
Sometimes I’m like “Not tonight, honey, I have a headache.” or “Not tonight, dear, I’m knitting.” And my boyfriend is all “Come on! It’s been weeks! What if we shared our fantasies? Or watched some tasteful, wombyn-directed porn? Or… well, what would work for you?” And I say “I just wish… I wish we had a mattress stained with the afterbirth and amniotic fluid and poop and all the other amazing excretions of labor.”
I think he’s going to leave me.
August 23, 2011 at 10:15 am
Someone didn’t get the “plastic mattress cover” memo from their Doula.
August 23, 2011 at 10:40 am
No kidding. I got one even though I wasn’t having a home birth; just wanted to make sure my water didn’t break on it, and it wasn’t even very new or expensive at all. Makes you wonder what ELSE has been carelessly splattered on it.
August 23, 2011 at 2:31 pm
Mine DID break in bed, and the damn waterproof mattress cover we had didn’t keep it all out….lying fucking packaging….
August 23, 2011 at 11:09 am
I imagine this voided any kind of warranty as well.
August 23, 2011 at 11:29 am
Funny you should mention voiding…
August 23, 2011 at 11:38 am
both of you are my new favorite Regretsians
August 23, 2011 at 11:46 am
@G Val, I’m flattered. Unseeliepixie is a tough act to follow, ’cause she’s always so good!
August 23, 2011 at 10:59 pm
Aw Mugsy, you flatterer…
August 24, 2011 at 8:42 am
@Unseeliepixie, I only tells the truths!
August 23, 2011 at 12:07 pm
This is the part I don’t get. Was there not a free moment between the time she discovered she was pregnant and the subsequent crotch explosion to maybe grab a Hefty bag?
August 23, 2011 at 1:22 pm
All of this could have been avoided with a simple lawn and leaf bag.
August 23, 2011 at 10:15 am
I wonder if this is Plano, Texas. If so… I may have to go and… investigate. Not that I have $500 (or the stomach for it).
August 23, 2011 at 10:24 am
I was just thinking much the same thing, as I’m only a bit away from this, in Denton. But.. damn. Not sure I could keep a straight face as she waxes poetic over her “slightly noticable” Cooch Juice stain.
August 23, 2011 at 2:15 pm
I’ll take “Reasons I never go outside Loop 12″ for $400, Alex.
August 23, 2011 at 5:40 pm
Go for $500. You might as well be able to break even on this thing!
August 24, 2011 at 7:03 am
This makes me even MORE happy that I moved way the hell away from Lewisville. And I didn’t think I could ever be any happier about that.
August 24, 2011 at 12:19 pm
PaganChick, I’m in Denton too, and I never thought Plano would be weirder than here.
August 24, 2011 at 1:24 pm
I’m in Plano and was shocked when I realized that this was in Plano as well. I lived in Denton for years and I’d say this is more Denton crazy.
August 23, 2011 at 10:34 am
There’s a Plano, Il about 60 miles from me. Please don’t let this listing be from Illinois. …
August 23, 2011 at 10:36 am
Ah, nevermind. I finally clicked the image to the listing and it’s from Dallas. Thank wombyn God!
August 23, 2011 at 1:24 pm
I live even closer to Plano, and that was worrying me as well…
August 23, 2011 at 2:32 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
August 24, 2011 at 7:39 am
WTF ever – I live in IL, I know how ass-backwards some of my neighbors are…
August 23, 2011 at 10:36 am
My thoughts exactly…. I’m in Dallas!
August 23, 2011 at 2:28 pm
Scary to think that the seller lives so close to me. *shudder*
August 23, 2011 at 9:02 pm
If Urban Outfitters doesn’t beat them to the copyright may I suggest…
August 23, 2011 at 10:15 am
Oh my god… all it takes is a black plastic trash bag to stop this kind of tragedy from occurring. Over her head or under her butt, either one would have worked. x_x
August 23, 2011 at 10:20 am
If you’re giving birth over a black trash bag, you should rethink having children.
August 23, 2011 at 10:36 am
Yeah. Especially because it wouldn’t be sanitary to have the placenta drop in there. You totally want a cooking pot for that.
August 23, 2011 at 10:42 am
Best bet is a crock pot. Slow cooking is the next major trend in placenta cuisine.
August 23, 2011 at 10:45 am
It’s been slow-cooking for 9 months already, how much longer does it need?
August 23, 2011 at 11:06 am
98.6 isn’t an adequate cooking temperature for placenta.
August 23, 2011 at 11:31 am
no, but somewhere, 98.6 is a rocking radio station!
August 23, 2011 at 12:08 pm
I’ve been feverish the past couple of weeks. Would 100.1 be a good cooking temp?
August 23, 2011 at 11:11 am
I think this is more of a red bag occasion.
August 23, 2011 at 10:15 am
Guillermo del Toro should buy this. Just in case he ever branches into rom-com…
August 23, 2011 at 10:15 am
I like how that is a P.S.
Its a wonderful mattress and has barely been used!
btw I gave birth on it and left a giant placenta stain embedded into it kthnx.
August 23, 2011 at 11:34 am
There are reasons why it is illegal in many states to sell a used mattress. THIS is one of them.
August 23, 2011 at 10:15 am
I love how it says ‘design’, like they spewed afterbirth all over that mattress on purpose.
August 23, 2011 at 1:24 pm
With a stencil.
August 23, 2011 at 10:17 am
Really? You couldn’t plan ahead enough to put down a plastic sheet?
August 23, 2011 at 10:38 am
She only had 9 months… sometimes the little things slip.
August 23, 2011 at 11:39 am
August 23, 2011 at 11:42 am
That show horrifies me. I think the message is supposed to be “You too can have a secret surprise baby in the bathroom!”
August 23, 2011 at 12:22 pm
That show makes me wonder who goes through several months of morning sickness, a growing belly, no period, kicking and the like and not realize they are pregnant. It is a wonder that the authorities don’t take the resulting kidlets away for their own safety.
I think the message is supposed to be, “birth control, because you don’t want to be this big a moron.”
August 23, 2011 at 12:33 pm
That’s what I thought before watching it.
The first episode I watched had a woman who had an IUD, didn’t see a change in her menses, and gained less than 10lbs. Then one day she felt stomach pains and had a baby in the bathroom.
My SO doesn’t let me watch that show since all nookie is cancelled for at least 24 hours afterward…
August 23, 2011 at 12:34 pm
I think the people that have this happen to them are in industrial grade denial, or mentally ill, or profoundly ignorant about reproduction.
That said, there’s no excuse for butt-print mama not covering her expensive mattress ahead of time.
August 23, 2011 at 12:43 pm
@gnomestress
Damn straight I don’t let you watch that show! I expect frequent nooky!
August 23, 2011 at 1:06 pm
I wish I had my very own steampunk octopus. We could go on old timey adventures under the sea!
August 23, 2011 at 1:39 pm
My mom had a friend not know she was pregnant. She had repeatedly gone to a stomach doctor because she was having terrible stomach pains, and had her period the whole time. They told her it was extremely bad ulcers- and started her on all sorts of meds. She had her period the whole time! Anyways, she had pain so bad that she went to the hospital, and walked out with a baby.
August 23, 2011 at 1:46 pm
It’s not all that uncommon for women to continue menstruating, but the doctor that diagnosed her with ulcers? Wow… someone was in denial and it was not the mother to be.
August 23, 2011 at 4:11 pm
@Purple with all the freaky shit that happens during pregnancy, I wouldn’t be shocked if she DID develop ulcers. However, I’m would have imagined they did bloodwork or something and no one noticed she was preggers?
Anyways, I am TERRIFIED of this shit. In all honesty, you actually do NOT need very many additional calories to grow a baby. This ‘eat whatever I want because I’m makin’ a clone’ is total bullshit and that’s why women gain so much weight during pregnancy. I may be misquoting but I think my nutrition teacher said you only need about 100 additional calories per day to support a fetus. So if you are, say, obese and consuming too many calories anyways you could get preggers and NEVER notice! God! I am boycotting nookie forever now!
August 23, 2011 at 6:26 pm
Alice88Wa (in case this pops up in the wrong place).
The calories needed varies according to the stage of the pregnancy. When you get towards the end, it’s more in the area of 500 or so (same with BF-ing after baby is born).
Most women gain way too much, though. You’re going to gain 15 or so from the baby itself, fluids, etc. Really, though I don’t understand why they say a skinny person needs to gain 30 pounds for a pregnancy. It’s not like you’re laying on a layer of blubber for winter, you know?
I’ve always lost weight with my pregnancies. 10 pounds with the first and 15 with the second. I’m obese so no one was worried.
August 23, 2011 at 10:17 am
Cover it with linens??!! No way! If I am paying for a heart shaped placenta stain I am damn sure going to show it off to my friends!
August 23, 2011 at 11:13 am
“Can I get your opinion… do you think stain remover will take care of this?” Conversation started!
August 23, 2011 at 10:18 am
buy this while the spouse is away on business. stash it in the basement and when they get back, emphatically insist that they Not Go Down There.
August 23, 2011 at 10:25 am
I think I love you.
August 23, 2011 at 12:23 pm
You are a warped and twisted human being. I like that.
August 23, 2011 at 5:58 pm
I second that motion!!
August 23, 2011 at 1:44 pm
Easily worth the $500.
August 23, 2011 at 10:18 am
Placenta painting is a lost art. Do you know how much thought and planning goes into creating a heart-shaped placenta stain? At LEAST 9 months!
August 25, 2011 at 11:41 am
After the placenta stain success she eventually realized she also got a baby out of the deal, and had to put a little thought into that part too.
August 23, 2011 at 10:19 am
Holy Bajoly!
I was looking for a new bed WITH placenta stains (preferably heart-shaped) because I was wanting something to romance up my home in the sewer.
One question though – can I see how it looks in a room? It may not go with my dripping sewage decor.
August 23, 2011 at 11:08 am
*giggle, giggle, snort!*
I <3 you!
August 23, 2011 at 12:41 pm
you better not snatch this before me, its a total upgrade to my cat piss mattress!
August 23, 2011 at 10:04 pm
Hahaha! You said “snatch”!
August 23, 2011 at 10:19 am
What in the actual fuck
August 23, 2011 at 10:20 am
“Placenta/bloodstains easily covered by your favorite linens.”
And now you know!
August 23, 2011 at 5:05 pm
Ok, but what if they’re my second favorite linens? Does that count or do they have to be my favorite to cover it up?
August 23, 2011 at 5:59 pm
Don’t worry, they won’t be your favorite for long.
August 23, 2011 at 10:22 am
I have no idea why I expected it to be less horrible than it is.
I do like the way they mention it’s been sanitized and the shape of it in the same breath, as though if you put enough spins on it in one go you might forget what made it to begin with.
August 23, 2011 at 1:19 pm
I read that as “spits” the first time through.
August 23, 2011 at 4:14 pm
I understand. I was reading the description and was like “Oh, so it’s got a stain, that’s kinda gross but not too baaaah! GOD KILL IT WITH FIRE!”
August 23, 2011 at 6:28 pm
My thought train, exactly!
August 23, 2011 at 10:22 am
This has to be the most inventive way to get rid of evidence I’ve seen in a long time. Counting down the days until this shows up on Forensic Files.
“slightly noticeable” my fat ass…
August 23, 2011 at 10:45 am
Rather, her fat ass.
August 23, 2011 at 10:22 am
I just had a chilling thought: there might be a fetish for this and that’s why she thinks someone might pay $500 for it.
PLEASE DON’T LET THERE BE A FETISH.
I am too scared to ask the internet.
Someone hold me.
August 23, 2011 at 10:28 am
I would, but that, too, is a fetish.
August 23, 2011 at 10:52 am
If it exists, there’s a fetish for it.
The Internet knows all, and what it doesn’t know it just makes up.
August 23, 2011 at 5:56 pm
Sampler-worthy comment:
“The Internet knows all, and what it doesn’t know it just makes up.”
August 23, 2011 at 11:11 am
Oh God.
Rule 34.
Should. Not. Have. Googled.
I’m leaving no links. The only site I had the stomach to visit said “I am disappointed so far no one has contacted me on the forums.” So at least there’s that.
Now leave me, I must fight the nausea alone.
August 23, 2011 at 11:15 am
You could always play matchmaker and email them the link…
August 23, 2011 at 12:06 pm
Yeah, e-Harmony may have rejected them.
August 23, 2011 at 11:13 am
gaack.
I wish to buy a forgetful foam mattress, plz.
August 23, 2011 at 10:22 am
This is crazy enough that I had to finally register to comment.
WTF? If there is so much sentimental value in this to her, why is she trying to foist it off as ROMANTIC? I really want to roll around where someone’s afterbirth has been. Gross.
Plus, I thought in most states that it is not legal to sell a used mattress. Just for reasons like this.
I’m totally going to flounce because this wasn’t an Etsy listing.
No I’m not.
August 23, 2011 at 11:03 am
From the Texas Health and Safety Code
“. . . a person may not sell secondhand bedding or bedding manufactured in whole or in part from secondhand or recycled material unless the bedding has been germicidally treated and cleaned by a method approved by the department . . . A person may not apply a germicidal process unless:
(1)the process has been registered with and approved by the department; and
(2)the person has a numbered germicidal treatment permit issued by the department.”
How much you want to bet that this seller did NOT have it professionally treated by someone with a permit?
August 23, 2011 at 11:14 am
Febreeze.
August 23, 2011 at 11:41 am
Lysol!
August 23, 2011 at 10:16 pm
No, no, no, Febreze is made out of dangerous mass-produced chemicals, and is promoted by the nasty anti-wombyn companies to shame us about our natural bodily oozings.
She probably applied a natural cleanser like, I dunno, lemon juice, or patchouli.
August 24, 2011 at 7:26 pm
Clown tears.
August 23, 2011 at 11:45 am
This might have been a good idea:
http://www.greatcleaners.com/Products/OxiClean/PID-57037-51211
August 23, 2011 at 12:10 pm
And that’s probably why the listing has been flagged. Not that I clicked on it. But I did – I don’t know why I just did OK?
August 23, 2011 at 6:30 pm
It’s okay. I clicked, too. I wanted to see how many “RE: disgusting mattress in Plano” posts there were (none! Texas has disappointed me!).
August 23, 2011 at 12:15 pm
I’m sure sage bundles were burned over it, it’s all good now.
Do Cenobites come with this thing?
August 23, 2011 at 12:18 pm
And rushgirl2112…my husband is crushing on you a little because of your username.
August 23, 2011 at 1:55 pm
Yeah, I get that a lot.
August 23, 2011 at 3:21 pm
And with good reason.
August 23, 2011 at 12:47 pm
The cover has obviously been dry cleaned, that’s the only way to set blood stains in such a “fresh” color. Dry cleaning is not the same as sanitizing. Which leaves me wondering what they did about the soak-through to the mattress underneath. Left out in the sun to dry?
August 23, 2011 at 2:36 pm
It’s a state-by-state law kinda thing – and in the ones you CAN sell used bedding, you have to have it professionally cleaned – AND TAGGED – before it can be sold. I’m guessing it can’t get a tag if it has a huge-ass blood stain on it…
August 23, 2011 at 10:22 am
Before I even consider buying this mattress, I’d need to see the mattress under a black light to see what other bodily fluids are present. I’m trying to decide whether I’d be more grossed out by these blood stains or by semen stains. They’re neck in neck in yuckiness.
Also:
The Placenta Cookbook: For a growing number of new mothers, there’s no better nutritional snack after childbirth than the fruit of their own labor.
August 23, 2011 at 10:28 am
True, both would be yucky.. But together, they represent the “sacred circle of life”, and she ought to add at least another $100 to the price.
August 23, 2011 at 10:28 am
And:
Placenta-Eating On The Rise Among Strong-Stomached Moms:
——————————————————
You can’t go wrong with a “joyful” placenta!
August 23, 2011 at 10:39 am
I had no idea placentas were sentient. Wouldn’t that cause ethical concerns over eating/disposing of them?
August 23, 2011 at 11:26 am
I accidently thumbed this down as a knee-jerk response to “It’s big and round, and so fresh.” Sorry about that.
August 23, 2011 at 12:14 pm
there’s no better nutritional snack after childbirth than the fruit of their own labor.
God damn right. Baby has all kinds of nutrients.
August 23, 2011 at 1:32 pm
I know pinky mice are jam packed with calcium and goodness because of the mother’s milk in their stomachs and forming bones. I wonder if the same is true for humans.
August 24, 2011 at 7:08 am
I like children, but I couldn’t eat a whole one.
August 24, 2011 at 7:14 am
I like children, but not raw.
August 23, 2011 at 10:23 am
Be a good host and purchase this for your guest bedroom
August 23, 2011 at 10:24 am
Does it come with matching skid mark sheets and sanitary pad pillows?
August 23, 2011 at 1:34 pm
Red wing body pillows.
August 23, 2011 at 10:26 am
Heart-shaped my ass! The stain is shaped like her ass! You can even make out a vagina in there….somewhere…
August 23, 2011 at 11:36 am
Thanks SO much for your contribution, ’cause this whole situation wasn’t revolting enough.
August 23, 2011 at 11:05 pm
So now it’s a Magic Eye painting as well? The selling points just get better and better!
August 24, 2011 at 4:53 am
Well I almost had myself talked into buying it. But they already flagged it for removal. My Ex-Washed Up Whore of a Wife needs a mattress. I would love nothing more right now than to get it for her.
August 24, 2011 at 8:44 am
The BEST thing about Magic Eye? The farther away from the object you move, the clearer the image. I’m thinking a small island off the coast of Maine might offer the best viewing options.
August 24, 2011 at 10:20 am
You two slay me sometimes. You guys def make me step the game up! My hat is off too you two!
August 23, 2011 at 10:26 am
Wait! Lying in someone else’s afterbirth stains is a good luck charm for those trying to conceive? I’m taking my infertile ass of to the local birthing center to ask if I can roll in their dirty laundry.
August 23, 2011 at 10:28 am
I am so glad I live in the civillized Northeast where it is ILLEGAL TO SELL USED MATTRESSES. I will be printing this out to hand to the next person who asks why.
1 year old for a mattress also isn’t “almost new”.
August 23, 2011 at 10:35 am
What?! That’s just too sane. The other day I passed a “furniture sale” with 5 used mattresses stacked up outside on the dirty cement in the disgusting Florida humidity. And you know what? It’s too much of a hassle to bring them indoors at night, so as a bonus whoever buys the top mattress also gets to savor the aroma of the bum who probably sleeps on it at night.
August 23, 2011 at 11:49 am
Maybe they’re hoping someone steals them..?
August 23, 2011 at 11:59 am
One additional reason not to buy a used mattress: bedbugs.
August 23, 2011 at 10:41 am
I once knew a guy who purchased a mattress from a hotel that was renovating. His friends were like, “Dude,someone could’ve DIED in your bed at one point.”
He said, “I prefer to think of it like JFK could’ve been IN my bed at one point.”
August 23, 2011 at 11:53 am
That’s why you just leave them out by the trash bins with the rest of the furniture you don’t want. Someone will pick them up.
August 23, 2011 at 6:22 pm
They probably are trying to recoup ruining a really expensive bed. I don’t think you can even donate mattresses to charity any more. No one would even steal that from the side of the road.
But I bet bedbugs would find it yummy.
August 26, 2011 at 8:38 pm
It’s actually just as illegal in Texas, and I’m sure dumb people in the Northeast also break the rules and do it. Thus, your regional arrogance is pathetic and laughable.
August 23, 2011 at 10:29 am
$500 for a gigantic used maxi pad? No thanks, I’ll pass.
August 23, 2011 at 10:43 am
But, it contours!
August 23, 2011 at 10:18 pm
And the stain is designed like a heart! I don’t think you’re getting this!!
August 23, 2011 at 11:09 pm
Chronic Glitter Lung, masterful username. I imagine it’s something employees on the Martha Stewart show develop.
August 23, 2011 at 11:37 pm
Pneumosparklyosis is the scientific name. It’s a terrible problem among grade-school teachers.
http://www.theonion.com/articles/cases-of-glitter-lung-on-the-rise-among-elementary,1843/
August 24, 2011 at 4:59 am
Is there nothing safe in this world? How are you supposed to look just Fabulous and be healthy at the same time???
August 23, 2011 at 10:31 am
**looks down at chocolate pudding**
Yeah. I’m done with lunch.
August 23, 2011 at 11:24 am
Same here. It was… rice pudding. NEVER EATING IT AGAIN.
August 23, 2011 at 11:56 am
Woosy. I was eating spaghetti.
August 23, 2011 at 7:03 pm
August 23, 2011 at 10:31 am
Afterbirth always gets me in the mood.
August 23, 2011 at 10:44 am
Me too, what’re you doing after lunch?
August 23, 2011 at 10:32 am
Is it just me or is the heart shaped design fresh looking? Like it happened minutes before the pic was taken?
Take it away and bring me another lover!
August 23, 2011 at 10:42 am
AbFab reference FTW!
August 23, 2011 at 10:33 am
Seriously, out of all the squidgy gross things I’ve seen on Regretsy, this is the one that made me want to yak. And that would be a waste of the perfectly good Percoset I just took. WTF are people thinking??
August 23, 2011 at 6:24 pm
They are thinking that they don’t want you to enjoy that Percoset. They are so selfish!
August 23, 2011 at 10:33 am
I have not said a word about any of the placenta nonsense that shows up here because when you fat jealous losers go and get yourselves pregnant, you will all realize that you, too, are the FIRST PREGNANT WOMBYN EVAR and you will see how awesome the idea of placentophagy really is.
But I cannot be silent on this, no. THAT SHIT IS WAY TOO BIG TO BE FROM A PLACENTA, YO. That’s like she rubbed it on her non-Regretsian ass and then planted it in the middle of that mattress. My god. It looks more like a shark cesarean. What the hell was she DOING when she had that baby? Is this from Octomom?
August 23, 2011 at 10:45 am
I’m thinking more Bella Cullen nee Swann, she of the rib-cracking, spine-snapping mutant baby delivered by vampire cesarean. It might actually sell to that audience, come to think of it.
August 23, 2011 at 11:37 am
Just add some sparkles – maybe bedazzle it or something – and you’ll be all set!
August 25, 2011 at 11:48 am
Drizzle some glue in a kind of “spurting” shape and bedazzle that and you’ll have to beat fans off of it.
August 23, 2011 at 11:53 am
“What the hell was she DOING when she had that baby?”
If I had to hazard a guess.. hemorrhaging?
August 23, 2011 at 2:01 pm
In all seriousness, normal childbirth IS generally kinda bloody, and it’s not just the placenta. All kinds of fluids coming out of there. But *I* left mine in the hospital where it belongs.
August 23, 2011 at 6:27 pm
Any chance that the “mother” in question is someone who was having a period from hell, took a couple of pills and passed out…and stuff passed out…for the whole night?
August 23, 2011 at 10:22 pm
I think it was a bloody birth, and she ended up imprinting the mattress with her butt. All the ranting about a trash bag aside, they probably had something there, because you’ll note it’s all pretty much in that one area. I suspect someone stripped the plastic stuff along with the placenta, and the mom, still bloody, was allowed to plop back down on the bare bed–which you will do, because having just delivered a baby will kind of discombobble you.
Elementary, my dear Regretsians.
August 23, 2011 at 10:33 am
Anybody got a flamethrower I can borrow to make a film entitled “How to get rid of a memory foam mattress with afterbirth stain.”?
August 23, 2011 at 10:39 am
The thing that really skeeves me about this is that they expect someone to pay $500 for it. I wouldn’t take that for free. :\
August 23, 2011 at 10:43 am
Me either, I think Id prefer to pay them the $500 so they could keep this sentimental item.
August 23, 2011 at 10:45 am
Maybe they are paying someone $500 to haul that shit away?
Nah.
August 23, 2011 at 10:42 am
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
August 23, 2011 at 11:10 pm
No wire hangers!!!
August 23, 2011 at 10:42 am
Why isn’t this on Etsy? Totes adorbs, and beats the ol’ placenta stamp print any day.
I want this for my hobo wedding night, when we caress our sweat glistening bodies under the hair-and-nail-dreamcatcher, on the crappy-jute-bag-pillows.
August 23, 2011 at 10:43 am
Is anyone really thinking to themselves, “Hmmm, Jim and I sure have lost that lovin’ feeling. I’ll bet rolling around on an ass shaped stain made from a stranger’s biological waste would really spark things back up!”
This person cannot exist. Not even in this seller’s effed up imagination. Right? Right??
August 23, 2011 at 10:43 am
I can’t read anymore. I have to go. This brings back to many (for lack of a better word) memories. I’ll see you on the next thread.
August 23, 2011 at 11:43 am
Perfect icon expression. Perfect.
August 23, 2011 at 10:44 am
Helen, you have no idea how happy I am that all this placenta nonsense happened after we finalized the Tarot card list.
August 24, 2011 at 7:12 am
I never even got round to ordering a deck, and I’m overjoyed.
August 23, 2011 at 10:45 am
The perfect Valentines Day gift….
August 23, 2011 at 10:48 am
screw roses and a romantic dinner, ass shaped blood stains are what REALLY get me in the mood….
*barf*
August 23, 2011 at 11:24 am
i know! if there are going to be ANY bloody ass prints involved in my romantic evening it is going to MY OWN.
August 23, 2011 at 10:50 am
If that really is “memory foam”, that poor mattress is screaming on the inside. Also, I am in Plano, and looking askance at my neighbors now.
August 23, 2011 at 11:23 am
Repressed memory foam?
August 23, 2011 at 10:51 am
Good grief you commenters are in rare form with the hilarity today! If I laugh any harder I’m going to hork up a lung! And thanks, peeps; I needed a good laugh today. Now I’m going to take another medication cocktail and quiver on the sofa under a pile of kitties.
August 23, 2011 at 10:55 am
I just have to tell you how much I like your screen name. I love that movie, and often try to force my children to watch it so they can love it too.
August 23, 2011 at 11:09 am
This is the one place online where people understand the reference. Everywhere else it’s too obscure. But then it takes a quick, finely tuned mind to understand the subtleties of humor in that film.
August 23, 2011 at 2:19 pm
This is fargin war! You iceholes! LOL. Love it.
August 23, 2011 at 11:46 am
Make sure you hork up that lung on some furniture so you can sell it!
August 23, 2011 at 12:40 pm
I have just the piece…it’s also been “scent marked” by a few cats. Which probably makes it even more valuable.
August 23, 2011 at 8:21 pm
Only if those scent marks are in the “designs” of hearts or rainbows!
August 23, 2011 at 10:52 am
I don’t think I’ve ever been more disgusted in all my life…
August 23, 2011 at 11:50 am
Maybe not, but you’re coming with up some absolute gems today, Unseeliepixie! I think “repressed memory foam” may be one of my all-time favorites!
August 23, 2011 at 12:56 pm
I agree, Mugsy! I think there could be a market for “repressed memory” foam.
August 23, 2011 at 1:33 pm
Yes, Fluffermom! I can see it now…
Today, on a very special Dr. Phil…
“So you say that your mother gave birth TO you ON you and is now trying to sell you on Craigslist? And that’s ok? You don’t think that you’re floating down the River of Denial in a crazy-ass pontoon? No? Well, how’s that working out for you?”
Phil confronts a repressed memory foam that won’t admit its own mother wants to sell it to get more money for glue gun sticks and bedazzling glitter. Today, on Dr. Phil. Don’t miss it—you’ll never forgive yourself, or forget, if you do!
August 23, 2011 at 1:34 pm
CRAP! I left bold open! If I can’t fix it with this, April or Bronc, please fix it for me!
August 23, 2011 at 1:57 pm
Mugsy, YOU BROKE EVERYTHING EVER!!!! O.O
August 23, 2011 at 2:13 pm
Let’s see, what would happen if I closed the bold here? .
Did that work?
August 23, 2011 at 2:14 pm
Dang it, I guess not.
August 23, 2011 at 2:15 pm
But at least you closed the italics, anyway.
August 23, 2011 at 4:24 pm
I thought, since I opened the bold, I could close the bold, but alas, that was not to be. You’re right, Rushfirl2112, I could have left the italics open as well.
I’m sorry I broke your nice Regretsy, April!
August 23, 2011 at 6:34 pm
This post deserves an open bold tag.
*salutes*
August 23, 2011 at 8:42 pm
Mugsy! It was you who broke the thread!?
*shakes head disapprovingly*
August 23, 2011 at 11:13 pm
This is why we can’t have nice things… or even moderately adequate ones either.
August 24, 2011 at 3:58 pm
@Unseeliepixie–is that you, Mom?
August 23, 2011 at 10:57 am
So, I’m just supposed to go along with the whole happy “this is my beautiful heart shaped placenta stain, not evidence in my pending murder trial”?
August 23, 2011 at 10:59 am
It looks like she set her afterbirth on one side, rubbed it into the mattress for good measure, and then flipped it over and stamped the other side. Cause that could be why she is referring to the ‘heart shape’ as a design…
Other than that, I might pay $5 to regretsians who are close to this scary lady to drive over and have their pictures’s taken with it.
August 23, 2011 at 11:58 am
I have to admit, there’s a LOT I’d do for $5, especially as my mortgage is past due.. but I think I’ll decline.
August 23, 2011 at 11:06 am
It just blows me away that this is posted like it’s not only an okay thing, but, a wanted thing. *shudder*
In no way is this a ‘slight cosmetic issue’ in fact, not only is her posting in violation of Craigslist TOS section 7n by both having the prohibited item bodily fluid and is an illegal item to sell in TX (unless you have a re-seller license), she actually faces jail time and a hefty fine if she manages to sell the thing and gets reported.
August 23, 2011 at 6:40 pm
I see that the listing has been flagged for removal. The seller has just strolled into a shit-storm, and it is entirely her fault. Enjoy your court date, mama!
August 23, 2011 at 11:08 am
Slightly noticeable? I can see that without my coke-bottle spectacles.
August 23, 2011 at 11:47 am
Now I can see it when I close my eyes. Eurgh.
August 23, 2011 at 12:17 pm
I know! I know! If you stare at it for 30 seconds then look at a blank wall you’ll see the face of Jesus! Or Benicio Del Toro. I forget which.
August 23, 2011 at 6:37 pm
And we come full circle! DINGDINGDINGDINGDINGDING
Benicio Del Toro & Kimberly Stewart Welcome Baby Girl – ETonline.com http://bit.ly/qfR5U3
August 23, 2011 at 11:08 am
OMFG! Just burn it, bitch. Or if you think it is so fabulous, keep using it.
Who on earth would give birth on her own bed with a $1500 mattress? Obviously money means something to her since she is trying to sell it for $500, so why not get a cheap mattress to throw away in the first place.
August 23, 2011 at 11:11 am
Maybe they need the $500 for the lawyer’s retainer?
August 23, 2011 at 11:14 am
Or the child’s therapy when it finds out what the parents are doing?
August 23, 2011 at 11:34 am
Exactly, or she could have just spent $50 for a waterproof mattress cover for her $1500 investment. I mean really, did she think giving birth was a moisture/mess-free process?
August 23, 2011 at 2:35 pm
She probably thought that if there was going to be any mess, it would be minimal, like a creamy cupcake.
August 23, 2011 at 11:13 am
“Placenta/bloodstains easily covered by your favorite linens.”
But nothing I have is suitable! Hey, wait a minute…Martha Stewart has JUST come out with a new Placenta Paradiso line. Problem solved!
August 23, 2011 at 11:19 am
Disinfected?
August 23, 2011 at 11:47 am
Brilliant!
August 23, 2011 at 12:20 pm
Now that’s some funny fucking shit right there, I tell ya!
August 23, 2011 at 11:21 am
I love how they try to underplay the whole thing.
oh, and just one teeny tiny little cosmetic detail. I seemed to have spilled a *little* bit of bodily fluid and medical waste on it. oopsy! but it’s ok cause I cleaned it up. and look at the character it adds!
Like you are going to read it and be like “oh how cute! I don’t even need linens – it has it’s own design!”
August 23, 2011 at 11:21 am
Pass the placenta wipes please.
August 23, 2011 at 11:24 am
Is that Christie Brinkley?
August 23, 2011 at 11:27 am
That was my thought.
August 23, 2011 at 11:30 am
Where’s Chevy Chase?
August 23, 2011 at 11:33 am
This is the moment when it became real for me. Thanks for that.
August 23, 2011 at 8:27 pm
I thought the baby came out the other end…
August 23, 2011 at 11:21 am
I can see the sampler:
‘Placenta/bloodstains easily covered by your favorite linens.’ stitched over a bed with blood dripping out under the coverlet into a pool on the floor. And bordered with the words ‘Noticable afterbirth stains add that extra spark to your love life.’
If I cross stitched I would hang it in the guest room over the stain that has nothing to do with the child I gave birth to in there.
August 23, 2011 at 11:23 am
The real secret here is that it is not from childbirth. It sounds to me like she is disposing of evidence. Otherwise, if it is so f*cking fantastic, why not keep it?
August 23, 2011 at 11:27 am
I literally heaved a little bit. I’m just glad I’ve not eaten lunch a little. *SHUDDER*
August 23, 2011 at 11:30 am
Well, at least I’ve found my card for Feb. 14th….
August 23, 2011 at 12:36 pm
awwwwwwww! Its sort of red too
August 23, 2011 at 11:33 am
I’m not that squeamish and this made me want to throw out my OWN bed. Bet you a fiver the husband is making her get rid of it and this is some sort of bet between them on whether or not it can get sold. I can only imagine that seeing your wife spit a bloody human being onto your bed makes for sleepless future nights.
August 23, 2011 at 11:34 am
I think this could be great!
It’s like those sex things…
EXAMPLE: The Bucking Bronco – in the middle of sex, you tell your partner that you slept with their brother/sister and then hang on…there are many variations of this, but now we have:
I “HEART(stain)” Tempurpedic!: first, tie your partner to the bed, mount up, then show them the photo from this posting and tell them this is the mattress they are currently tied to..then hang on!
August 23, 2011 at 11:42 am
Am I the only one who immediately thought of the Shroud of Turin?
August 23, 2011 at 11:49 am
I hope so!
0_o
August 23, 2011 at 11:57 am
August 23, 2011 at 6:43 pm
Maybe that is the linen that the seller suggests.
August 23, 2011 at 11:53 am
Memory Foam = Giant Fucking Sponge
August 23, 2011 at 12:03 pm
I can’t shake that thought either. Or stop wondering how deep inside the foam that “stain” runs.
Can you imagine how this thing is going to smell?
August 23, 2011 at 12:12 pm
“But can you change the size of that smell?”
Okay. That’s out of the way.
I’m reminded of the Dove lotion commercials that show how far the lotion soaks into your skin. And now I’m creeped out.
August 23, 2011 at 12:33 pm
If they’d have used a sponge in the first place, they wouldn’t have had this staining problem to deal with.
August 23, 2011 at 2:46 pm
I wanna know what the opposite side of it looks like. I’m surprised she didn’t just say “Hey, you can always just flip it over!” Um, so can you, fucknut…
August 23, 2011 at 11:16 pm
You know, I started thinking that about halfway through this thread…
August 23, 2011 at 11:54 am
BTW…my sheets are white, and I don’t care if they are 500 count egyptian cotton…That’s gonna show through them.
August 23, 2011 at 12:13 pm
If it’s sentimental, why aren’t they keeping it? Really, ones placenta is only sentimental to them. Others want to bury that crap in the backyard and be done with it.
September 9, 2011 at 8:55 pm
I actually wrote the seller and asked that exact question. They wrote back with some complaint about how they’re getting harassed on the internets and don’t really want to talk about it. (awww!) But short story is that home birth was unplanned and unprepared, the mother-in-law bought then a replacement mattress, and now they’re selling this one to have more money to spend on the baby. They seemed totally oblivious to the fact that if they don’t want to sleep on it anymore, no stranger would want to either. And if it’s *really* sentimental and they *really* need money for the kid, how about selling the new one the MIL got them, and keeping the one with sentimental stain value?
August 23, 2011 at 12:15 pm
You know, when I helped my elderly Mom buy her Tempurpedic mattress, I thought, “Hey, it wouldn’t be the worst idea in the world to get the waterproof mattress cover just in case.” I’m pretty sure if I were considering a mattress TO GIVE BIRTH ON the same thought would occur to me.
August 23, 2011 at 12:17 pm
Put down a layer of trash bags and you should be good. My friend did that when she did a home birth. There were no stains on the mattress or sheets.
August 23, 2011 at 1:53 pm
An old shower curtain works just fine too.
August 23, 2011 at 2:24 pm
I gotta side with the waterproof cover, and it needs to go on there no later than about 8 months along. Last-minute covers aren’t going to help you if your water breaks overnight without warning. Unless of course you LIKE the thought of an amniotic fluid-soaked mattress . . . I don’t.
August 23, 2011 at 2:47 pm
Fuck that – we have a waterproof cover still, and we can’t even conceive! Um, “love juice” seeps into foam mattresses too…..so does sweat…..I prefer a cover I can wash, thanks…
August 23, 2011 at 6:45 pm
I am NEVER buying one of these mattresses. They are like extra-strength forensic evidence collectors. /O.O\
August 23, 2011 at 11:19 pm
@lemon bombs: I think you just came up with Tempurpedic’s next marketing promotion!
August 23, 2011 at 12:16 pm
I would like to know how she sterilized it? Its obvious that it was not thrown into a incinerator and burned (which is what should happen). Bodily fluids are dangerous thats why you need a special clean up crew after someone kills themselves in your easy shop.
August 23, 2011 at 12:18 pm
Sooo sad… this has been flagged for removal on Craigslist, now Mr & Mrs Placentian won’t be able to give their gift to the world (at a great discount!).
There are no winners here now!
August 23, 2011 at 12:20 pm
Except the rest of the world!
August 23, 2011 at 12:25 pm
Um, why would someone give birth on JUST THE MATTRESS?! Why not add this romantic addition to your actual linens (or towels, or plastic wrap…) and use that to remember the day you give birth while you kick back with a placenta smoothie in your hand?
August 23, 2011 at 12:30 pm
Don’t you have any class? Everyone knows you take the stained linens and turn them into a table cloth or a hipster toga. “See the placenta blood? That’s mine.” Sheesh, get some culture would you?
August 23, 2011 at 10:27 pm
We did once have a dog who bled all over a comforter while being rushed to the vet with a cut mouth–and we washed the comforter on cold, and then on hot a couple of time, and kept using it. But that was FAMILY.
We would never have tried to make a guest sleep under the dog-blood-stained comforter, let alone SELL it.
August 23, 2011 at 2:48 pm
Er, blood can seep THROUGH a sheet….
August 23, 2011 at 7:59 pm
Trust me – it wouldn’t look like that! That one is straight up placenta on mattress
August 24, 2011 at 7:42 am
Why in the hell would someone give birth directly onto their mattress?? Are they just disgusting to start with and never use sheets? That memory foam shit has fairly nasty fabric on it – kinda like velcro….eeeew…..
Yeah, I still maintain it’s seepage through a thin sheet – I’ve seen what happened to our old mattress (see above for reference to failed waterproof pad) when my water broke….that was one fucked up stain….
August 23, 2011 at 12:26 pm
Looks like something you’d find at Dexter’s yard sale. “Oh, never mind the blood stains, you can just cover them right up. In fact, I have the Shroud of Turin in case you need bedding.”
August 23, 2011 at 6:12 pm
No because Dexter knows to put fucking plastic down before you get body fluids everywhere!
August 23, 2011 at 12:39 pm
Rorschach test with blood. She says heart I say 2 steaks, 1 medium well and 1 rare.
August 23, 2011 at 12:39 pm
This is MY idea, I’m gonna be rich bitch! Placenta greeting cards! If you steal it I will hunt you down and put a foot in your goatse hole!
August 23, 2011 at 4:05 pm
Then let’s hope Neatthings sees this – she could use a good kick in the ass.
August 23, 2011 at 5:55 pm
Oh yes! Do an entire Valentine’s line, please!
August 23, 2011 at 12:47 pm
August 23, 2011 at 5:19 pm
being a complete Princess Bride nerd, I can’t help but want that pug to be saying the entire quote!
August 23, 2011 at 1:14 pm
No.
Just FUCKING NO! Ugh that is rank DX
August 23, 2011 at 2:47 pm
Clearly someone thinks this is ok then.
August 23, 2011 at 6:23 pm
I suspect it’s not the reaction, but that you didn’t express it in an original or interesting way. It’s a demanding audience, here.
August 24, 2011 at 3:00 pm
Haha, it’s really not.
August 23, 2011 at 1:23 pm
A few weeks ago I watched a goat deliver her placenta. She ate about half of it before the chickens got ahold of it through the fence and stole it, and ate most of the rest of it themselves. And all I could think was, I sure wish I had a video camera so I could share this moment with Regretsy.
August 23, 2011 at 1:51 pm
I am a home birth nurse midwife. I have touched every body fluid & solid known to man, and some known only to women. I can eat while discussing blood and placentas, and the smell of cautery just makes me hungry for barbecue. And even *I* find this completely revolting (and how-the-heck did they “sanitize” foam???).
August 23, 2011 at 3:27 pm
As I stated previously, Febreeze.
August 23, 2011 at 2:22 pm
Totally not making this up. My friend had a roommate who was a major (12 pack a night) alcoholic. When the dude moved out he left his room a mess, the worst being his bed. He had literally cut a hole in it so he wouldn’t have to get up to pee. He’d just pee in the hole and and stuff a fresh towel in there every once in awhile. So when my friend cleaned out the room he found a mattress with a hole in it stuffed with urine soaked towels. The kicker to the story? He wanted me to help him “donate” it to Goodwill. I’m not talking just drop it off by the door and leave donating, he honestly thought they’d take it and resell it. And yes, he is that stupid.
August 23, 2011 at 2:49 pm
EEK! That is nasty.
August 23, 2011 at 3:18 pm
Hey, hands off my bed!
August 23, 2011 at 5:17 pm
yuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!
August 23, 2011 at 3:23 pm
We got an expensive new mattress when i was pregnant and we also got a plastic mattress protector, I hated the way it crinkled when we moved but it sure beat having me trash it if my water ever broke like on the movies.
I’m pro homebirth but I think that is one of the most disgusting things I’ve ever seen and they best be cutting their losses and throwing the damn mattress out. They made the mess and they don’t even want to sleep on it!
August 23, 2011 at 3:28 pm
I was thinking that it couldn’t be that bad when I read that it had been cleaned and sanitized. Then I saw the picture and was like “ohgodwhy!”
August 23, 2011 at 3:34 pm
OH MY GOD!
August 23, 2011 at 3:38 pm
Up until today, my main reason for not buying used mattresses was fear of bedbugs.
August 23, 2011 at 4:54 pm
if you wait, there’s always someone out there ready to give you a new reason to become a hermit.
August 23, 2011 at 3:52 pm
Telling people it was from a crime scene makes for a more interesting conversation starter.
August 23, 2011 at 4:27 pm
THEY CAN’T BE SERIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
August 23, 2011 at 4:36 pm
I know it’s been said before, but WHAT IN THE HOLY HELL IS THIS?!?!
August 23, 2011 at 5:36 pm
There is absolutely no way that spot could be sanitized and still look that fresh (gag). Also I bet a little oxyclean would take that right out.
August 23, 2011 at 6:17 pm
It’s aMAYYYzing stuff!
August 23, 2011 at 11:23 pm
Hydrogen Peroxide is awesome for getting blood out of clothing. I’m on dialysis, so this is required occasionally…
August 23, 2011 at 5:46 pm
I’m less offended by the placenta stain, than I am by the “starting high due to it’s sentimental value” line! Nobody gives a shit about the sentimental value your bloody mattress has to you! You also have to love how it’s listed as a P.S., like, “Oh yea, no big deal, but…”
August 23, 2011 at 6:06 pm
“cosmetic detail”
“slightly noticeable”
“romantic addition”
NO, no, and FUCK NO!
August 23, 2011 at 6:20 pm
Maybe she can make a slightly noticeable shit stain in the shape of an arrow piercing the heart
August 23, 2011 at 6:51 pm
I just have to put in my two cents worth here… I spent all afternoon dissecting a cadaver for grad school, and this seriously horrified me.
August 23, 2011 at 6:58 pm
There is something not quite fair dinkum about this posting.. Troll? I cannot for a moment think that someone would be serious enough to try and flog a mattress with such a distressing stain. Hang on a minute….this was on Etsy right? I stand to be corrected. She probably is serious. Bloody hell. (no pun intended)
August 23, 2011 at 7:02 pm
It was Craigslist. Anything is possible with Craigslist.
August 25, 2011 at 11:38 am
“Anything is Possible With Craigslist” sounds like it would make a wonderful musical number.
August 23, 2011 at 7:02 pm
They really need some help with marketing. All they really should have said is that they were doing that stupid “jump on the bed with a glass of red wine” test that all the commercials show when things went awry.
August 24, 2011 at 7:43 am
That looks like seriously fucked up wine, then…
August 23, 2011 at 7:03 pm
Let’s rewrite this with the truth.
“this expensive mattress is now so nasty that I do not want to keep it but I’m a cheap bitch and so am trying to anything to unload this ‘bastion of comfort’ on some stupid fool. If I can do this, the stain will be MY good-luck charm.”
August 23, 2011 at 7:52 pm
I have a mattress covered in dog piss shaped like nevada. Any takers????
August 23, 2011 at 9:02 pm
That sounds awesome. I should have kept my old one that had one discolored corner due to dog puke…I had no idea that biohazard stains were so good for the resell value.
August 23, 2011 at 9:05 pm
Colorado yes, Arizona maybe, but I’m afraid Nevada urine stains are sooo last season.
August 23, 2011 at 8:05 pm
HDTV for sale! Unfortunately, there is a slight gay-porn image burned into the screen. But if you squint and cock your head a bit, it looks like two dolphins playing with a pink beach ball! 600 dollars for the TV plus a remote and a bottle of Jergens.
August 23, 2011 at 8:56 pm
That might be a selling point for me, NGL.
I made sure to buy a newer plasma screen with anti-retention features for, um… a reason. A good one.
August 23, 2011 at 8:28 pm
Slightly? Looks like she lopped off someone’s head on that mattress!
August 23, 2011 at 8:29 pm
A quick ebay search revealed that a brand new Queen size memory foam mattress can be purchased for $484.90AU with free delivery.
Hmm… I guess she values the bloody butt-print at $15.10.
Yikes.
August 24, 2011 at 7:45 am
But hers is TEMPURPEDIC – the name alone would net her $200…
August 23, 2011 at 8:44 pm
A song sung by the Asylum Street Spankers comes to mind. Namely, “If You Love Me, You’ll Sleep On The Wet Spot”.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XxEAFYuqu0Y
August 23, 2011 at 8:47 pm
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA(*breathes*)AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
For once I am GLAD this site is blocked at my work. Of course, I had to open up Regretsy while I was eating dinner…
August 23, 2011 at 9:01 pm
Heart my ass! I see an ear and a spleen. This is REALLY misrepresented.
August 23, 2011 at 10:00 pm
Extra spark to your love life. Really. Nothing turns me on more than doing on a stranger’s placenta stain.
August 23, 2011 at 10:14 pm
This is why if I spawn, I’ll squat in a cornfield and then harvest 5 rows, like the good Lloyd intended!
August 24, 2011 at 7:46 am
I like that you named “Him” Lloyd….that’s the name of my SIL’s ultra-religious, hella-fanatic father…
August 23, 2011 at 10:40 pm
I am glad she included that bottom picture with the diagrams. Otherwise I would have missed the large bloody stain in the shape of failure,
August 24, 2011 at 12:00 am
Gee guys, just flip it over, cover with your favourite linens and waa laa! Almost new!
August 24, 2011 at 2:12 am
They should have upcycled the slungeheart into an attractive motif. Like, bedazzled it or something.
Waa laa:
August 24, 2011 at 4:25 am
It’s too f’ing early in the morning. I just threw up. Grooooooooooss.
August 24, 2011 at 6:59 am
I recognized Plano as being near me, and curious, I searched Craigslist to see if this was still posted – of course not. Curiously, though, a search for “placenta” pulled up 2 other ads by dealers for memory foam mattresses – they added “placenta” to that paragraph of tiny words they include at the end of ads to make theirs come up more frequently during searches. And did I mention, EWWWWWWWWW?
August 24, 2011 at 3:44 pm
love the pic that says ” at least im not stripping” lol
August 24, 2011 at 4:46 pm
i was wondering how a mattress could have high sentimental value.
August 24, 2011 at 9:44 pm
August 25, 2011 at 2:32 am
First of all, pardon my French. But, as a nurse, I have to ask.. why in fuck’s name did you feel the need to flip that nasty fucking thing over before snapping that lovely (gag) picture??? I mean, COME ON! If we had to see the aftermath, why not show the bloody corpse of the deceased organ. Did you REALLY think there was a market for “full living color of a dead organ never needed for anything BUT relieving a human woman of a parasite.” UGH!!!
In retrospect… please wrap that Holy relic in plastic until I can get there with my fruitful oins and give forth the fruits of my labor. PRETTY PLEASE???
August 25, 2011 at 2:35 am
Fuck y’all, I meant “loins”, not “oins”. I think y’all got the jist of my meaning though!
And YES, I’m from TEXAS! SUCK ONE!!!
August 25, 2011 at 6:27 pm
R.I.P. 80′s Johnny Depp
August 26, 2011 at 10:16 pm
I’ll have what’s behind door #2, Monty. Gee, I hope it’s a placental stained mattress! Or it could be evidence from an old murder trial. Hard to tell…
August 31, 2011 at 5:50 am
I really wish Craigslist had a view it in a room option. I’d want to make sure it matched the stains matched the colour of the ones on my walls and floor.