Eat, Pray, Glove
This post first appeared on Regretsy on September 2, 2010
If I wanted a hand on my head, I’d still be with my ex-boyfriend.
UPDATE 1: The seller would like you to know that you aren’t fit to buy her crappy hats. Sucks to be you!
UPDATE 2: Fortunately, she neglected to say you couldn’t have this hat if you write Regretsy. Thank God for loopholes, amirite? So many thanks to the loyal fan who sent this to my post office box.
IT’S STUPIDER IN PERSON
August 21, 2011 at 4:33 pm
That hat looks great on you.
August 21, 2011 at 6:17 pm
Yeah. It fits you… like a… well, like something that fits really well.
August 21, 2011 at 9:45 pm
August 21, 2011 at 11:09 pm
Those eyes skeeeer me.
August 22, 2011 at 2:07 am
Yep. Looks good on you HK.
But it doesn’t suit everyone.
August 21, 2011 at 4:37 pm
I’d have loved this in my EMT trainee days, where we used an invisible fire fighter to control the cervical spine. With this I wound never have to say “C-spine is controlled”.
August 21, 2011 at 4:37 pm
I personally would LOVE to sell my jewelry to any of the brilliant commenters here, it would be a massively big deal for me!!
Alas, I haven’t the skillz to attract said readers
August 21, 2011 at 8:18 pm
I see what you did there.
I had to look. You certainly DO have the skillz – lovely jewelry.
August 22, 2011 at 4:10 am
awww thanks
August 21, 2011 at 10:21 pm
It’s not your lack of skillz- it’s my lack of dollarz. Beautiful jewelry, and I love your perfume lockets. I hope you are still doing this when I win the lottery
August 22, 2011 at 4:11 am
Thank you!!!
August 24, 2011 at 4:54 pm
Yeah, seriously. I want that necklace with the moss aquamarine so badly it pains me.
August 22, 2011 at 3:04 am
Your jewellery is really gorgeous! If all Etsy sellers were like you there would be no Regretsy.
August 22, 2011 at 4:12 am
sheesh you guys are the sweetest fat jealous losers I’ve ever met!
No Regretsy would be a little like no cuteoverload or ICHC and I’m not sure I want that
August 22, 2011 at 2:32 pm
Maybe you could start incorporating more yonis*? Just to keep us in business?
*I couldn’t remember that stupid damn word, so now I have the search “regretsy vagina” on my google forever. Thanks, Regretsy.
August 22, 2011 at 5:57 pm
Oh my god, your work is amazing. This is why I can’t have direct deposit and I have to go physically pick up my checks; I will spend every last dollar I have on beautiful things and never buy gas.
August 21, 2011 at 4:40 pm
oh I KNOW – I would be massively geeked to have an item on Regretsy – would we be allowed to snark our own item?
August 21, 2011 at 4:43 pm
hellz yah!
I want to faux-flounce too though, keep ppl confused
August 21, 2011 at 4:42 pm
So Buffalo_ass gets featured on Regretsy and feels her “art” is too good for this crowd?
Oh boo hoo..!
August 21, 2011 at 5:13 pm
Buffalo Bull Shit won’t you come out tonight
aaaand dance by the light of the moooan…
August 22, 2011 at 9:49 am
I like what you did there!
August 22, 2011 at 12:45 pm
Aww, I can hear Donna Reed sing that in my head perfectly.
August 21, 2011 at 4:42 pm
Cyndi Lauper looked SO much better as a blond with makeup.
August 21, 2011 at 5:18 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
August 25, 2011 at 10:12 pm
Downvoted harshly for speaking the truth.
Anyway, I wish I was rich so I could drop a few million on Michael Jackson’s Thriller glove and turn it into one of these. Legendary.
August 21, 2011 at 4:46 pm
Reminds me of the bad guy from a kids’ show that had a real moving hand on his head. From Hey Vern, It’s Earnest! I think…
August 29, 2011 at 3:09 pm
Dr. Otto, his name was, and I discovered recently he had his own feature-length movie! No joke. Google “Dr Otto and the Riddle of the Gloom Beam.” It is exactly as awesome as you think it would be (no matter how you take that, you’ll be taking it right).
August 21, 2011 at 4:48 pm
It’s nice to see that “Thing” from the Addams Family is keeping busy in its old age.
August 21, 2011 at 5:11 pm
And you get to have Thing caress the side of your head for the rest of eternity like this. It’s a win win for both of you.
August 21, 2011 at 6:29 pm
I can only speak for myself, but my cheek is under my eye, not above it.
I don’t know what you’d have to do to get this glove to “caress your cheek,” but I think it would involve super glue.
August 21, 2011 at 6:50 pm
Agree, this is more like a poke in the eye. Though, why one would want an artificial hand caressing one’s cheek is not clear to me.
August 21, 2011 at 4:50 pm
So, the statement being made is, “I’m out of flip-flops”?
August 21, 2011 at 5:08 pm
end of summer. It is a fashion faux pas to wear flip flops after the 20th of August.
August 21, 2011 at 5:15 pm
…scuse me.. that’s after Labor Day…
August 21, 2011 at 4:54 pm
Why does this remind me of the OJ Simpson trial?
August 21, 2011 at 4:59 pm
Ya beat me to it!
August 22, 2011 at 9:30 am
But how do you tell if this glove doesn’t fit?
August 22, 2011 at 10:21 am
I’d say ask the seller, but she musta quit.
August 22, 2011 at 1:36 pm
This deserves way more thumbs up than it got, for the record.
August 21, 2011 at 4:55 pm
Maybe she wouldn’t be so butthurt if it grabbed her ass instead of her eyeball.
August 21, 2011 at 4:58 pm
The OJ Simpson Collection?
August 23, 2011 at 9:08 pm
Also from the OJ Simpson Collection™, this stylish Bruno Magli hat.
August 23, 2011 at 9:13 pm
That’s for formal events.
August 21, 2011 at 4:59 pm
If it does not fit you must acquit? I mean whats the return policy on head gloves?
August 22, 2011 at 9:31 am
The real question is does this fit ANYONE.
August 21, 2011 at 5:03 pm
Please tell me you wore this outfit on a date with Bronc to an upscale restaurant…
August 21, 2011 at 5:05 pm
Ok, ya know what, this hate is LAME. Yet,somehow, April makes it look fantastic.
/Jealous
August 22, 2011 at 12:13 pm
I think April could make a wad of plastic poop, which is superimposed over fake nachos and cheese, superglued to a fascinator, look fantastic.
August 22, 2011 at 2:39 pm
Challenge accepted.
August 22, 2011 at 2:35 pm
Haberdashery typo? Or perfect summary of the principle behind Regretsy?
August 21, 2011 at 5:06 pm
I love the page the photo links to!
“Drama is also found IRL in significantly smaller amounts.”
August 21, 2011 at 5:13 pm
Well, I’m not going to insult her by linking to her.
DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND SHE DOESN’T WANT YOUR BUSINESS
August 21, 2011 at 5:18 pm
but how can we make fun of her other bull crap?
August 22, 2011 at 4:41 pm
Easy: http://www.etsy.com/people/buffalump
And there is ever so much to make fun of, but I’ll leave that to people more talented than I.
August 22, 2011 at 6:11 pm
Oh no way. This lady is living like 20 minutes away from where I am sitting right now.
August 21, 2011 at 5:10 pm
I really love this…sort of a slapping in the face with a kid glove. Hopefully there will be no dual as she would not stand a chance.
August 21, 2011 at 5:20 pm
duel dammit
August 22, 2011 at 9:10 am
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
August 22, 2011 at 9:11 am
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
August 21, 2011 at 5:21 pm
How is it that April can make wearing random objects on her head so damn attractive?
*girl boner*
I sincerely doubt I would look that good with a glove on my head!
August 22, 2011 at 11:28 am
I noticed that, too. Some women just have the knack.
August 21, 2011 at 5:21 pm
I love handjobs. No glove, no love baby.
August 22, 2011 at 2:42 pm
Wouldn’t want to get you pregnant.
August 21, 2011 at 5:28 pm
This is only vaguely relevant, but I’m posting it anyway.
August 24, 2011 at 4:58 pm
I love you for this. Will you be my Zombie Apocalypse bride?
August 21, 2011 at 5:29 pm
Its not bad, but we’d like it better sequined.
Something like MJ’s glove from the 80s.
We’re easily distracted by shiny objects.
August 21, 2011 at 5:48 pm
Pardon, my first attempt ever to do something like this…
I know, my alignment is a little off.
August 21, 2011 at 5:52 pm
Change the face to Macauley Culkin’s too!
August 21, 2011 at 6:04 pm
And, in glingers!
August 21, 2011 at 6:30 pm
You know… after seeing the willie warmers comment in the “Wool Gathering” post glingers will never look the same…
August 21, 2011 at 5:31 pm
BWAHAHAHA!!! That looks awesome on you!Also, are those D20 EARRINGS??? If so, I’m one hell of a fat jealous loser. Mostly jealous.
August 21, 2011 at 5:32 pm
I love a hot leather look that says, “I’m all about great head.”
August 21, 2011 at 5:35 pm
Since when is a hat supposed to make a statement? Beyond ‘Hey look at me, I’m wearing a hat?’”
August 22, 2011 at 5:25 am
You apparently missed the Royal Wedding and every time any of the Triple Crown runs have been aired…
August 21, 2011 at 5:42 pm
Oh my, this seller has a headband with birds on it.
August 22, 2011 at 2:37 pm
Put a bird on it.
August 21, 2011 at 5:45 pm
You look MARVELLOUS with that hat, HK!
August 21, 2011 at 5:45 pm
OOOh to be a fly on the wall when she gets a load of this. This is why I worship you, HK, like, all the sudden.
August 21, 2011 at 5:53 pm
This is a year old so she may already know.
and of course she did make her 46 dollars.
and didn’t have to take what might have been hundreds of dollars and some admirers from us fat lazy bitches.
August 21, 2011 at 8:00 pm
I remember this from a year ago, but did HK get it a year ago? Oh, I thought that part was new. I smoke reefers** and my mem’ry is BUSTED!
**I AM an American aged 18-55.
August 21, 2011 at 6:17 pm
But wouldn’t that hat go GREAT with this classic ensemble?
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-m4nuYnuQCsA/TcR6KyPz4AI/AAAAAAAAASM/i6wohunrRQY/s1600/manos_the_hands_of_fate-518×357.jpg
August 21, 2011 at 6:18 pm
I think it would be cuter if the finger came down and grabbed the corner of your mouth and pulled it up.
August 21, 2011 at 6:23 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
August 21, 2011 at 6:24 pm
That necklace speaks to me. It makes me all tingly.
August 21, 2011 at 6:31 pm
You have insulted my honour – I challenge you to a duel!
August 21, 2011 at 9:06 pm
I demand satisfaction!
August 21, 2011 at 6:37 pm
I trust you’ve had a formal occasion in the past year to wear this. Like the Daytime Emmys or a John Tesh record release party.
August 21, 2011 at 6:37 pm
Silly girl! Doesn’t she know the number one rule is, ‘any publicity is good publicity!’
August 21, 2011 at 6:53 pm
If it were less expensive (how much does fiberfill cost anyway) it would be great for Halloween; you could go as the Invisible Man’s date.
August 21, 2011 at 7:16 pm
yet more shit clogging up etsy
August 22, 2011 at 5:31 am
Are you saying they need an Etsy-ma?
Will that be saline or soapsuds?
August 22, 2011 at 2:49 pm
Okra-infused breastmilk. Duh.
August 21, 2011 at 7:22 pm
Missing links will not keep me from my appointed rounds!
I submit for your amusement, a most annoying description
http://www.etsy.com/listing/33734031/urban-nomad-bleached-peacock-feather-and
I believe “urban nomad” is what we are calling hobos this season.
August 21, 2011 at 8:42 pm
Holy hell, that looks like a bedazzled Pekingese carcass
August 21, 2011 at 9:40 pm
And to think I let my mother THROW AWAY my father’s Ugly Tie collection!!!! O_O
August 21, 2011 at 9:41 pm
Oops. That was a reply to lulubelly’s comment, below.
.
.
.
WTF is in this tea?
August 22, 2011 at 9:34 am
Urban Nomad…Now I’m thinking of someone wandering through a post-apocalyptic urban landscape scrounging to survive.
August 22, 2011 at 12:01 pm
Yes, and in that scenario a capelet made from the scavenged remains of a blonde Pekingese would be a great addition to your wardrobe.
August 24, 2011 at 5:04 pm
I am forever traumatized by the phrase “Jewel Mega Statement.”
I may have to make it my new nickname.
August 21, 2011 at 7:29 pm
Though for pure stupidity this neck-tie fascinator is right up there with the glove hat
http://www.etsy.com/listing/42068573/the-dewitt-vintage-necktie-headband-hat
August 21, 2011 at 11:10 pm
My favorite tie item is this. It looks so damn stupid! Who in their right mind would wear that hat?!
http://www.etsy.com/listing/41293203/vagabond-upcycled-vintage-necktie-hat
Just think, she could have been spared the second round of ridicule if she had kept her mouth shut or played along like a good sport.
August 22, 2011 at 5:04 am
Vagabond is the new Hobo.
August 22, 2011 at 2:55 pm
Apparently it’s “not really ‘stretchy’ but a bit amorphous.”
Amorphous? Sold.
August 21, 2011 at 7:36 pm
Maggie Gyllenhal?!?
August 21, 2011 at 7:57 pm
She looks so depressed. Maybe Thing’s just trying to give her a scalp massage to brighten up her day.
Or else he’s preparing for her lobotomy. Explains the glove.
August 21, 2011 at 7:59 pm
August 21, 2011 at 8:00 pm
This hat always reminds me of Beetlejuice. Looks GREAT on Helen!
August 21, 2011 at 8:24 pm
I wouldn’t have thought Beetlejuice would look good on anyone.
August 23, 2011 at 9:57 pm
I’m watching Beetlejuice right now! The hat looks better in the movie.
August 21, 2011 at 8:16 pm
The most horrifying thing about this is that she has 557 sales. 557 people thought a dead bird or a necktie poorly glued to a headband was a great idea.
August 21, 2011 at 8:36 pm
She should take it all in fun and be honored. I have actually thought of making something ridiculous in the hopes it made it onto Regretsy. Need the money that bad.
August 21, 2011 at 8:43 pm
Is she unaware that that isn’t where her cheek is?
August 21, 2011 at 8:45 pm
August 21, 2011 at 8:45 pm
Usually with a hand on top of my head I’m on my kn…um, can’t believe I’m the only one thinking that.
August 22, 2011 at 2:58 pm
I teeheed at the comment, then I lol’ed at your avatar WITH the comment.
August 21, 2011 at 9:00 pm
I wonder if she makes a sparkly Michael Jackson version. I NEED that.
August 22, 2011 at 3:01 pm
Sure, but only in kids’ sizes.
…*goes to hell*
August 21, 2011 at 9:09 pm
I think it’s pretty. In a weird “Invisible man put on a glove and is resting it on your head” way.
August 21, 2011 at 9:48 pm
Well this is stupid. Everyone knows biker boot hats are in this year.
August 21, 2011 at 11:07 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
August 22, 2011 at 5:05 am
Direct quote from her blog:
Bright side: Definitely increased my Etsy page views– went from 92 unique users on Wed. to 880 unique users on Thurs. WOW!
In the end, any free exposure is good I guess. I just hope it leads to some sales!!!
I thought she didn’t want our business.
August 22, 2011 at 5:09 am
A year ago, I think this was the post that made me worship Regretsy.
It’s still fucking hilarious. Look how miserable she looks, like she KNOWS what a twat she’s being.
However, you rock it HK ;D
*ass kissing*August 22, 2011 at 5:48 am
Ok, some of her stuff is laughable, and that glove is just bats*** crazy. That skinned pekingese shoulder thingy is an abomination…but some of her stuff is actually pretty inspired. There are a few feather pieces there that people I know would love to wear to a night on the town, and her feather mohawk would be pretty fashionable in a club or even onstage.
She was pretty butthurt at first, but she obviously has an interesting sense of humor about her work.
Her necklaces that clasp with an old-fashioned key are pretty cool too. The re-purposed ties are crap, but still, I know people who would wear them to work just for fun and probably get compliments on them!
August 22, 2011 at 5:51 am
This and this are pretty nice. That black one is actually fairly 1920s classy.
August 22, 2011 at 9:47 am
I agree. This is probably my favorite:
August 22, 2011 at 3:03 pm
You are positively reviewing her items! Cease this haberdashery willy nilly critique that might lead to increased sales! What has this world come to?
Oh, but as a side note, I would totally wear the flower piece also, but I am VERY busy being a fat jealous loser, and I do not have time for whimsy.
August 22, 2011 at 6:50 am
Thing! Get off the nice lady’s head. And take off that glove, it’s 100 degrees outside.
August 22, 2011 at 9:32 am
This photo is just begging to be the next 3D clay portrait…. There can be a whole HK series!
August 22, 2011 at 10:19 am
This is so totally off topic, but WHERE did you get those earrings, Helen? They’re like you’ve got Bronc’s nuts in a cage!
August 22, 2011 at 10:25 am
Aside from stupid and ugly, she wants you to pay $46 for an old stuffed glove. The chutzpah of some of this “artists” amazes me.
August 22, 2011 at 11:08 am
My son loves this. He’s six and wraps a rainbow scarf around his head and thinks he’s a ninja.
August 22, 2011 at 11:25 am
At least it was hand-made.
Hand-Maid?
SomeThing.
August 22, 2011 at 12:25 pm
The fact that you now own this makes the world a little bit more hilarious. Well played.
August 22, 2011 at 7:19 pm
This is the most awesome fucking thing ever.