Baby Jones Locker
This post first appeared on Regretsy on September 3, 2010
Nothing says “Sorry your baby drowned in that horrible boating accident” like a forever candle!
Specify catamaran, sloop or cruise ship at check out
This post first appeared on Regretsy on September 3, 2010
Nothing says “Sorry your baby drowned in that horrible boating accident” like a forever candle!
Specify catamaran, sloop or cruise ship at check out
You must be logged in to post a comment.
August 20, 2011 at 9:31 am
Can’t someone throw that baby a life preserver?!?!!?
August 20, 2011 at 11:04 am
August 20, 2011 at 11:23 am
I was thinking an anvil. But I like the interaction of your billy club much better.
August 21, 2011 at 3:46 am
Hmmm… I’m pretty sure that this belongs on the poop deck…
August 20, 2011 at 2:40 pm
You wouldn’t carry a life preserver to a full submerged Christening would you? Just poor listing skills IMFFUJLO.
August 20, 2011 at 5:17 pm
IMFFUJLO = In My Fucking Fat Ugly Jealous Loser opinion.
August 20, 2011 at 9:32 am
Reminds me of the last scene of Oh Brother Where Art Thou?…
August 20, 2011 at 10:14 am
Care for some gopher? We found a whole village of gophers.
August 20, 2011 at 9:33 am
Oh for the love of Nemo…
August 20, 2011 at 9:47 am
Once at Costco, a member asked me where to find the stuffed Nemo toys. I told her they were (and this is true) by the Seafood Road Show.
Fortunately the wine is across from the sushi.
August 21, 2011 at 11:54 am
Nemo is Omen backwards. Creepy or what? BTW how long has that baby been in the water? It’s eyes are covered in algae. Though maybe they were originally blue to match the ribbon the duck was strangled with, this is a craftsperson we’re dealing with after all.
August 21, 2011 at 11:56 am
That’s not an apostrophe in Its. Plankton, honestly.
August 20, 2011 at 9:33 am
It’d be a better product if it was one of those burn-down candles where you could “pull the baby to rescue!” after burning the candle for hours. You know, since you’ll probably fall asleep to your candle vigil after one too many xanax-and-bloody-mary cocktails.
August 20, 2011 at 9:34 am
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
August 20, 2011 at 9:34 am
Burn Baby Burn! I thought the horse’s stick was a match!
August 20, 2011 at 9:34 am
For a moment there I thought it was some sort of voodoo thing and the baby word confused me quite a bit.
August 20, 2011 at 9:35 am
I remember Fizzies, but I don’t remember them in babby flavor.
August 20, 2011 at 9:35 am
Is the baby made of Alka Seltzer tablets?
August 20, 2011 at 10:14 am
*plop plop fizz fizz* Baby Seltzer Plus.
August 20, 2011 at 1:10 pm
August 20, 2011 at 1:25 pm
But babies GIVE me a sour stomach and headache. I think you’re going to have trouble selling your product.
But it could probably make it to the Etsy front page.
August 20, 2011 at 3:47 pm
It’s about the same quality as Etsy’s front page items..
August 20, 2011 at 7:07 pm
I had to quit using Baby Seltzer. It gave me morning-after sickness.
August 20, 2011 at 9:35 am
So the baby is expulsing air from HOW many orfices? Including skin?
August 20, 2011 at 9:39 am
You have a baby, don’t you know they have hidden orifices? How else would they make such spectacular messes if they couldn’t secretly ooze from the skin?
August 20, 2011 at 9:58 am
Point taken.
August 20, 2011 at 10:27 am
Bill Cosby: “To feed a baby, just rub food all over it. It’ll suck in somewhere.”
August 20, 2011 at 9:37 am
If only it were in a toilet bowl rather than a fish bowl, it would look like an ode to prom night.
August 20, 2011 at 10:02 am
Just a prom night dumpster*scrath that* toilet baby!
August 21, 2011 at 4:55 pm
And I’m takin a stroll (swim?)…
August 20, 2011 at 10:05 am
Don’t kill me for this one:
This one helps
August 20, 2011 at 10:17 am
So much love for you right now, Aaron.
August 20, 2011 at 10:34 am
I gigglefarted.
August 20, 2011 at 10:56 am
its been said before and I’ll say it again – there are NOT enough thumbs up for that Family Guy dumpster baby song.
Thanks you Aaron.
August 20, 2011 at 9:37 am
I think this needs to be marketed to people that want to support their friends but don’t like babies. Giving a gift with a baby that is drowing and then has a fire lit over it will make sure you are never asked to hold the twatdropping.
August 20, 2011 at 10:52 am
“Twatdropping”, my newly-stolen term for those screaming brats in Walmart crowding the damned school supplies section.
Thank you.
August 20, 2011 at 11:18 am
This is why I don’t go to Walmart and do all my shopping on Amazon.
August 20, 2011 at 11:35 am
When in Walmart, they are “crotch nuggets”.
August 21, 2011 at 12:27 am
Twatdropping is pretty good, but I still prefer “Fuck Trophy”.
I like to picture that the baby is slowly dissolving in acid. Because I know science and it will stop breeder friends from asking me to baby-sit.
August 21, 2011 at 4:56 pm
Fucktrophy FTW! That should annoy my baby obsessed FB friends nicely.
August 20, 2011 at 11:20 am
“Twatdropping” is now replacing “Cuntslop parasite” in my vocabulary.
August 20, 2011 at 11:52 am
And cuntslop parasite has replaced twatdropping in mine
Regretsy is such a vocabulary booster
August 20, 2011 at 9:37 am
Nothing says “Sorry about your stillbirth” like a plastic baby suspended in goo.
August 20, 2011 at 9:39 am
What the hell did they drown the baby in, acid?
Seriously. That’s a very bubbly baby.
August 20, 2011 at 11:02 am
It’s the bubbles that make it particularly horrific. Obviously the last breath of life is just trickling out of its tiny body right now. If only you could reach it, you could save it.
Nope.
Doomed to forever watch the baby drown.
August 20, 2011 at 11:23 am
The “candle” was so bad, I had to call my husband over to see it. His immediate response as he saw the picture was “ohmygod that’s horrible”, then he read Aprils comment and just starting laughing.
We agreed it was really gruesome and disturbing, but so terrible it was funny. Part of the discussion was exactly the “forever drowning aspect”.
August 20, 2011 at 11:28 am
Derp- that’s what I get for letting people interrupt me while commenting, I guess. Real-life interaction is so overrated. All kinds of mental errors going on there. Sorry!
August 20, 2011 at 11:40 am
and the hobo wedding uncle thought it was bad that nobody stayed behind to cry for the dead birds.
If he could tweet us now.
August 20, 2011 at 1:11 pm
That would be so un-Twitter.
August 20, 2011 at 7:53 pm
Aaand it’s a very poorly done gel candle. You are supposed to coat porous objects or objects with reactive paint to PREVENT the bubbles. Any how-to on making gel candles will tell you that, so I’d also worry about the safety of this thing, if they used the right kind of wick or just any old kind they had on hand.
August 20, 2011 at 9:40 am
I wonder if a drowning coat hanger would say congratulations better.
August 20, 2011 at 10:08 am
I might be the only one who see’s the humor in this. @jaiejohnson throw coathangers at the naysayers!
August 20, 2011 at 11:01 am
I with you, iamerror. That was truly funny in the macabre sort of way I enjoy. Of course, everyone here thinks my comments are mean, so take my praise with a grain of salt.
August 20, 2011 at 11:08 am
I occasionally like my humor dark. With drowning babies, fava beans and chianti
August 20, 2011 at 11:13 am
Ill take your grain of salt and put it on my drowning baby soufle’.
August 20, 2011 at 11:30 am
My diet doesn’t allow salt.
August 20, 2011 at 11:32 am
We need to use Mrs. Dash instead.
August 20, 2011 at 12:29 pm
August 20, 2011 at 12:52 pm
This will be my gift for the next baby shower. With any luck it will be my last invitation.
August 20, 2011 at 2:17 pm
They should give those out instead of condoms.
Or better yet an IQ test. High enough, you get a condom. Too low, you get a coat hanger.
I digress, best baby shower gift…EVER!
August 20, 2011 at 9:41 am
Throw in a dollar bill, and you’ve got your very own Nevermind candle. Nothing says “grunge” quite like this candle…
August 20, 2011 at 1:28 pm
Oh wow, a Stranglers username…and one of my favorites at that.
August 21, 2011 at 9:06 am
Dear Diacritical Snark, thanks for picking up on the reference! XD Your username is quite beautiful.
August 20, 2011 at 3:44 pm
Ha! I was thinking just take off the diaper and you’ve got the Nevermind cover.
August 20, 2011 at 9:42 am
Baby’s on fire
Better throw her in the water…
August 20, 2011 at 11:25 am
Rescuers row row
Do your best to change the subject
Blow the wind blow, blow
Lend some assistance to the object
August 20, 2011 at 9:44 am
It’s the perfect gift for those mothers who give birth in public bathrooms and leave their babies in the toilet. For too long they’ve been a neglected niche when it comes to useless junk.
August 20, 2011 at 9:56 am
I agree. Surprise her with the most unexpected gift since the toilet-baby itself!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P443_NHLWUc
August 20, 2011 at 10:33 am
I don’t understand how noone seems to notice something is amiss. I’d think there would be stains on the dress and an exhausted girl with a puffy face or something. I over think sometimes.
August 20, 2011 at 9:44 am
I also love the type of gift that’s only useful for a short time after the occasion. That’s the kind of candleholder that would soon get relegated to the emergency blackout kit in my house …if it didn’t manage to make it to the bin.
August 20, 2011 at 9:44 am
The only sensible thing in that whole
messensemble is the worried looking duck.August 20, 2011 at 9:58 am
Yeah, I love the expression on the duck’s face, especially since he’s staring right at the “Welcome” sign. Kind of a “Holy fucking shit, what did I do to deserve this?”
August 20, 2011 at 7:45 pm
It’s the pet duck of The Only Sane Person in the World!
August 20, 2011 at 9:44 am
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
August 20, 2011 at 9:44 am
What is blue and yellow and sits at the bottom of the pool?
August 20, 2011 at 9:45 am
Congratulations on your new baby, Mr. Bill!
Oh noooooooooooo…….!
August 20, 2011 at 9:48 am
That is just soooo….
so…
Yeah.
I didn’t even realize it was a candle at first, I was too horrified but the drowning baby…
All that’s keeping this from being perfectly terrifying is a few great whites.
August 20, 2011 at 10:37 am
This is kinda lame, I have no idea what Im doing.
August 20, 2011 at 9:59 am
You know, I was just trying to figure out the perfect gift for my friend whose child was tragically killed in a gasoline fire while yachting. Perfect timing!
August 20, 2011 at 10:00 am
The perfect gift for the expecting wombyn. It captures the joy of water birth so well. Just imagine, all the meridians can flow freely and your bundle of joy is being welcomed into the world by the mighty mother ocean.
Just remember to bring a brailer.
August 20, 2011 at 11:31 am
Not enough placenta!
August 20, 2011 at 10:00 am
HELUOME odoY!
August 20, 2011 at 10:12 am
Oh it says Welcome Baby. Well that makes more sense than the way I read it.
August 20, 2011 at 10:04 am
Only thing it’s missing is a steampunk octopus!
August 20, 2011 at 11:10 am
Even I wouldn’t have anything to do with that thing.
August 20, 2011 at 10:23 am
Wow, don’t tell Moses about this.
*wonders how many people would get the Prince of Egypt reference*
August 20, 2011 at 10:29 am
It’s also in the book version.
August 20, 2011 at 10:59 am
Dammit, I hadn’t read that far yet! Thanks for the spoiler..
August 20, 2011 at 10:33 am
What species of baby is that?
Is it this guy’s baby?
August 20, 2011 at 10:38 am
That guy keeps my aquarium clean as a whistle!
August 20, 2011 at 11:16 am
That mouth needs goatse hands.
August 20, 2011 at 11:19 am
Awesome! X-Files! Gads, that guy was creepy.
August 20, 2011 at 4:10 pm
Suddenly the term “PinkSock” springs to mind. Gee, thanks.
August 20, 2011 at 11:10 am
The drowning baby candle is the perfect way to say, “Congratulations, but I’m probably not the person you should be calling when you want last minute free babysitting.”
August 20, 2011 at 11:32 am
Nothing says “we wish you’d been a blow job” like this welcome baby gift.
August 20, 2011 at 11:32 am
See now, this is what happens when the dolphins don’t show up to assist.
(see video) http://jezebel.com/5025807/penn–teller-call-bullshit-on-dolphin+assisted-birth
August 20, 2011 at 2:02 pm
I did once see footage of a woman giving birth in the Black Sea, and dolphins did come over to see what was happening. They did not assist with the birth, but did nose the baby.
This is why people who give birth in the Black Sea are batshit crazy. I would have been holding the baby away from the dolphins, worried that they would eat it. This lady was delighted, holding it out for them.
For the record, they sniffed politely and then trailed the family around for a bit.
August 20, 2011 at 11:34 am
3 million sperm and the one that gets through is the one that cant swim. How does that work?
August 20, 2011 at 11:56 am
Also in that shop: “I kiss my dog on the lips” buttons. I don’t know if that’s something that should be advertised.
August 20, 2011 at 12:35 pm
This baby must have gills.
August 20, 2011 at 12:53 pm
I love the sad duck and its look of longing for the surface.
August 20, 2011 at 1:19 pm
This was one of the first archive posts I saw when I discovered this haven for fat, jealous losers, and I laughed myself silly. I actually have a candle of this ilk that has shells in it, bought eons ago…somehow, it’s much more tasteful than a burbling, mostly-dead baby.
August 20, 2011 at 4:34 pm
Cruelty to pretend babies ;_;
August 20, 2011 at 5:17 pm
forever candle? fuck that. if it doesn’t burn down to melt the baby, i don’t want it.
August 20, 2011 at 5:21 pm
We all float down here, Georgie.
August 20, 2011 at 5:47 pm
Talk about throwing the baby out with the
bath-waterunscented forever-gel.Or at least they should.
August 20, 2011 at 6:39 pm
August 20, 2011 at 7:16 pm
I just thought the baby needed some company…and some steampunk goggles so he/she can see underwater
August 20, 2011 at 7:48 pm
We named him Edmund Fitzgerald.
August 20, 2011 at 8:13 pm
August 21, 2011 at 6:45 am
It’s all right for the sea horse and Ariel’s firstborn, but I feel sorry for the duck.
August 21, 2011 at 9:04 am
PLEASE won’t somebody think of the CHILDREN???
August 24, 2011 at 4:05 pm
Just as I was scrolling down the page, this popped up and at the exact same moment, Mr. Krabs on SpongeBob screamed out “Noooo!!!! Not Davey Jones’ Locker!!!!” I about pissed myself!