My Fascination with Fiverr Continues
Okay, I admit it. I’m a little obsessed with fiverr.
There’s something about it that just really excites me. It’s kind of like Etsy in a way; a place where people create things just for you, by themselves, using whatever talents they have. It’ll feel more like Etsy when Anthropologie starts doing it next year.
Anyway, I went wild this morning and ordered 5 services. The one I was the most excited about has already arrived, and I’ve uploaded it for your viewing pleasure.
Yes, for only $5, Sam Cornwell will rip you a new asshole.
AND IT’S NOT LIKE YOU DON’T DESERVE IT
Click here to be berated and abused by Sam Cornwell. And I suggest you jump on this because I may book him up just to deal with my family.
August 12, 2011 at 2:48 pm
There’s something about that accent (and the facial hair) that makes his insults almost charming. :3
August 12, 2011 at 3:20 pm
agreed – there’s something especialy condescending about being torn a new one by someone with a UK accent, I don’t know why. And, they really are the only ones who can get away with saying ‘bullocks’ and ‘cunt’ without it sounding awkward.
I like right @ the end, just the way he drags the fuuuuuck off
ha ha. 
August 12, 2011 at 4:15 pm
I love the way he pronounces “th” as an “f” sound
August 12, 2011 at 9:39 pm
Me too! Just like Dror, I’m disappointed it ended. I think Helen should get him to talk about the Hobo wedding as a theme.
August 13, 2011 at 1:11 pm
Oh yeah. I’m a Canadian living in the UK, and I never get tired of THE ACCENTS. You can tell this mofo is a real (pretend) East London hardass by the way he says “faaaaack off”.
August 12, 2011 at 6:09 pm
The fuck of was my favorite bit
August 12, 2011 at 5:04 pm
I agree. That accent makes his tirade almost sexy.
August 12, 2011 at 5:25 pm
almost? hell, I had three orgasms during the first 10 seconds.
August 12, 2011 at 2:48 pm
HAHAHA!!! He called you a dirty cunt. I love it.
August 12, 2011 at 3:14 pm
And I bet he doesn’t even know about Hillbilly Bajingo Wash, or he’d have told her to get some.
August 12, 2011 at 2:48 pm
$5? I used to have to pay £10.50 for abuse at the office down the hall from the Arguments Department. This is an absolute bargain!
August 12, 2011 at 2:50 pm
My undying love to you.
August 12, 2011 at 2:52 pm
No you didn’t
August 12, 2011 at 3:27 pm
An argument isn’t just contradiction.
August 12, 2011 at 3:31 pm
Yes it is.
August 12, 2011 at 3:40 pm
Your reply is so much better because of your username!
August 12, 2011 at 6:34 pm
Yes you did.
August 12, 2011 at 3:02 pm
Lovely! MP forever!
August 12, 2011 at 3:13 pm
No comment can possibly top this. *bow, scrape, worship*
August 12, 2011 at 8:41 pm
I think you just won Regretsy for 8/12/11!
Maybe you cuold get a pillow to commemorate.
August 12, 2011 at 8:41 pm
*derp* could
August 12, 2011 at 8:52 pm
Fucking A.
August 12, 2011 at 2:48 pm
(((silence))) ………………… BAAA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA the best ever..
August 12, 2011 at 8:10 pm
Worth a million fivers. I loved it…once my ears were pinned back.
August 12, 2011 at 2:49 pm
“cunt, moron, fanny-flanged prick”. I think I have a new password.
August 12, 2011 at 2:59 pm
Fanny flange, fanny flange, hmm… Nope, sorry, we’re fresh out. Try the AutoZone next door.
August 12, 2011 at 3:02 pm
@HowQuaint, with the way your post started, I thought you were re-writing the lyrics to “Jingle Bells”!
August 12, 2011 at 2:49 pm
THIS IS MAGNIFICENT
August 12, 2011 at 2:50 pm
That was amazing.
August 12, 2011 at 2:51 pm
I see you went for the $20 option as well. Money well spent.
August 12, 2011 at 2:50 pm
Wow. THAT. WAS. EPIC.
August 12, 2011 at 2:50 pm
Oooh, I like it! I mean, I can get plenty of that kind of abuse from my own family (and they’re usually a lot more foul-mouthed) but they don’t have that fantastic British accent. Now I know what to put on my birthday wish list.
August 12, 2011 at 2:50 pm
Cunt-Moron-Fanny-Flange Prick is my new safe word!
August 12, 2011 at 2:52 pm
Copycat!!
August 12, 2011 at 2:53 pm
Sorry – you read my mind!
August 12, 2011 at 3:23 pm
I want to give you two thumbs up, one for your comment and one for your name.
August 12, 2011 at 2:50 pm
Wow! That was strangely enjoyable. I especially liked “my 3-inch cock”!
August 12, 2011 at 2:53 pm
That’s the first time that sentence has been uttered in the history of humanity.
August 12, 2011 at 2:59 pm
By a man.
August 12, 2011 at 9:31 pm
You cut me, Kimoutre. You cut me deep.
.
.
.
And more than just 3 inches.
August 12, 2011 at 2:50 pm
…. hmm. and my asshole of a father’s birthday is coming up. It is so hard to find cards that don’t go on about how great a dad he is… maybe this year we’ll be a little more honest!
August 12, 2011 at 4:11 pm
I wish I had my bastard fathers email address I soooo would order this for every holiday of the year and send it to his no good ass…yes I’m still slightly bitter.
August 13, 2011 at 8:40 am
You hide it well.
August 12, 2011 at 8:44 pm
That does sound incredibly therapeutic! Something to bring to this year’s Airing of Grievances, for sure.
August 12, 2011 at 2:51 pm
holy crap. I think I’m in love.
August 12, 2011 at 3:53 pm
Me too. It’s difficult to meet men who have this talent with words.
August 12, 2011 at 2:51 pm
Monty Python lives!!! And it’s on fiverr for half price
That was fab. I’m with you Helen – once you’re done ripping your family a new one let me know, because I’ve got some people needing a fiverr special.
August 12, 2011 at 2:52 pm
OMG THIS IS AWESOME!
August 12, 2011 at 2:52 pm
Ah, North-East Londoners are the best at swearing. Aside from Glaswegians. (My husband as a North Londoner recognises another one when he hears them)
I would happily pay $5 (£3.25ish) to have him harangue me.
August 12, 2011 at 4:00 pm
One night in Vegas I got REALLY drunk in an “Irish” Pub with two guys from Liverpool and a nice couple from Scotland. At one point in the evening an old guy at the end of the Bar asks one of guys from Liverpool to “watch his language.” I think this was from the fact that the only words you could understand from anyone of them was, fuck, cunt, shite, arsehole, fuck(again), and piss. Yeah, no one swears like the Brits, and the Scotts, and the Irish.
August 12, 2011 at 4:13 pm
I just see them as ‘spice’ words. Use them to add zing to boring conversations.
‘This cup of tea is excellent’
vs
‘This cunting cup of tea is fucking excellent, shithead’
August 12, 2011 at 5:41 pm
That was pretty much the Liverpool guys attitude. After the old guy bitched about their language they apologized and then attempted to work the word fuck into every sentence.
August 12, 2011 at 2:53 pm
Can’t breathe…. Laughing too hard… Must pay to yell at former clASSmates…
August 12, 2011 at 2:53 pm
Is anyone else turned on by this?
August 12, 2011 at 2:55 pm
A little bit, yeah.
August 12, 2011 at 2:56 pm
totally.
August 12, 2011 at 3:02 pm
I’m writing Dror/Cornwell slashfic right now. In my mind.
August 12, 2011 at 3:04 pm
Um, when you’re done… Link?
August 12, 2011 at 3:54 pm
Not sure I want a link to someone’s mind, but I can easily imagine this for myself.
August 12, 2011 at 5:45 pm
I’m having a weird mental image of Dror dancing while Cornwell shouts insults at him.
Suddenly out of nowhere – it’s Towel Mike and his martial arts sidekick to save the day and end the tyrade of insults (and maybe introduce us all to our new British friend).
August 12, 2011 at 9:41 pm
Make sure the background music is by Dawg.
August 12, 2011 at 3:06 pm
Yes. embarrassingly so. Who knew being sworn at in a charming accent was such an exciting thing?
August 12, 2011 at 3:12 pm
See, now I want the 20 dollar option and for him to- say certain things that would be very insulting that I will not reveal at this time.
August 12, 2011 at 3:22 pm
Not gonna lie. Turns out my serious obsession with British men has an aspect heretofore undiscovered.
August 12, 2011 at 3:40 pm
YES! Who else needs a cigarette?
August 12, 2011 at 3:55 pm
This totally fulfills my most secret fantasies. Normally I have to pay $4.95 per minute for this quality dirty talk.
August 14, 2011 at 5:02 pm
Yes! I actually ordered one just so I could hear him ream out a few people. Then I think I want one where he just calls me filthy names…sigh
August 12, 2011 at 3:55 pm
I’m sort of in love.
August 12, 2011 at 4:54 pm
Abso-fucking-lutely turned on by this.
August 12, 2011 at 5:27 pm
A lot.
August 12, 2011 at 8:48 pm
Absolutely. It gives me the tingly feeling that, if he were here, he would rip my clothes off at the end of the tirade and shag me mercilessly.
August 12, 2011 at 8:54 pm
No.
Yes.August 12, 2011 at 2:53 pm
I just completely fucking lost it at “You can suck my 3-inch cock.” That was excellent.
August 12, 2011 at 2:53 pm
The only way this would be more perfect for me is if Craig Ferguson were voicing it. God, I’m wet just thinking about it.
August 12, 2011 at 2:56 pm
We do think alike, because I was going to post that the only thing that could make it better is if he were a Scot!
August 12, 2011 at 2:57 pm
Evil twins, we are.
August 12, 2011 at 3:04 pm
Now you’ve got me imagining this done by Sean Connery, which would be fucking epic!
August 12, 2011 at 3:09 pm
Or Ferguson imitating Connery, which he does. Mmmmm…
August 12, 2011 at 3:09 pm
Oh, Kimoutre, I just got all squishy inside. With Sean Connery, “Suck my 3-inch dick” wouldn’t be the random insult but a serious command. I’ve had one the worst days at work and you have cheered me up with Sean Connery!
August 12, 2011 at 3:42 pm
Always glad to help, my dear Mugsy!
August 12, 2011 at 4:00 pm
David Tennant…with a wibbly wobbly and an alonzi thrown in…
August 12, 2011 at 7:34 pm
Have these in exchange for the thumbs down I accidentally gave you:
August 12, 2011 at 11:50 pm
Ohhhh, Sean Connery. Yes!
Again, I’ll be in my bunk ;D
August 12, 2011 at 3:59 pm
I know!!
August 12, 2011 at 2:54 pm
Best. Thing. Ever.
August 12, 2011 at 2:54 pm
New. Best. Friend.
August 12, 2011 at 2:54 pm
My husband has an unhealthy obsession with Gordon Ramsey. I think he needs one of these videos for Christmas.
August 12, 2011 at 3:11 pm
A friend of a friend (true story, no, seriously it happened) was a contestant and he told my friend that GK doesn’t curse as much in reality as he does on the show. Those bits are filmed separately. I was kinda depressed when I heard that. I mean, that IS half the reason to watch the show, to learn new and creative invectives.
August 12, 2011 at 4:01 pm
BUT…IT…rolls out of his mouth like thats ALL he ever says
August 12, 2011 at 4:14 pm
Television is a cruel and disillusioning medium.
August 12, 2011 at 2:55 pm
I fucking LOVE this guy!
August 12, 2011 at 2:58 pm
Absolutely fucking lovely! (said with a thick british accent of course) I wonder if you can get him to go tell someone in person… what a way to quit your job!!
August 12, 2011 at 4:13 pm
You could always just email it to your boss, which adds another level of “fuck you, this job isn’t even good enough for me to quit in person”.
August 12, 2011 at 2:58 pm
That is incredible and beautiful. I had to pause twice to get a tissue for my tears.
August 12, 2011 at 3:56 pm
I had to pause twice for tissue, but it wasn’t for tears.
August 12, 2011 at 2:59 pm
I… I… I just don’t know what to say.
August 12, 2011 at 3:15 pm
You ROCK, dude. Call me names, call me names. I am your bitch.
August 12, 2011 at 3:34 pm
You are WONDERFUL. Call me sometime. My husband need never know… unless you’re into swearing at both genders. Although I think your moustache would make him feel somewhat emasculated..
Fuck, I’m drunk.
Oooh, Sam/Dror/Mike ORGY!
August 12, 2011 at 3:36 pm
Oh, and North-Londoner, right? My husband reckons North-East.
BTW. This is all my really creepy and awkward way of saying I think you are hilarious and if our paypal account weren’t frozen cause someone used it to steal from us, I would be buying swearing from you right now.
August 12, 2011 at 4:39 pm
You should have started with ‘You fat fuckin’ jealous losers…’ and perhaps thrown in an insult or two.
August 12, 2011 at 4:57 pm
Shhhh… you don’t have to say anything, baby. You’ve already said enough. *swoon*
August 12, 2011 at 5:10 pm
You had me at “fucking scum-sucking dirty cunt.”
August 12, 2011 at 5:12 pm
Also, that shirt.
August 12, 2011 at 7:49 pm
Not only are you hilarious, but you have some A class video editing skills too.
August 12, 2011 at 8:57 pm
I don’t know if I want to slap you upside the head or fuck you senseless.
August 12, 2011 at 10:36 pm
Why choose?
August 12, 2011 at 3:00 pm
That’s probably the greatest thing I watched all day.
August 12, 2011 at 3:02 pm
Isn’t he hilarious? I requested profanity and I was not disappointed.
August 12, 2011 at 3:05 pm
Regretsy sucks. Nobody goes there anymore!
August 12, 2011 at 3:07 pm
It seems like he made some of the profanity from scratch… that is definitely worth more than 5 dollars.
August 12, 2011 at 4:21 pm
Made from scratch profanity – it’s organic!
August 13, 2011 at 2:32 am
If it wasn’t profanity before, it is now.
August 12, 2011 at 3:07 pm
It’s difficult to imagine him doing this WITHOUT the profanity. It sure would’ve been shorter.
It reminds me of the time my kid was playing a new Lil Wayne song in the car(she’s 17). I commented that if he wanted to play it on the radio, half of it would be gone. He DID release it as a single, and I was right.
August 12, 2011 at 3:14 pm
He threw in some of the classic butthurt lines, which made it even sweeter for me. Can you imagine if all those cupcakes who write to you to complain did something like this, even in writing? Then we could at least respect…sorry, got carried away. Butthurt Cupcakes don’t get respect.
August 12, 2011 at 7:27 pm
Ooh, he should be hired to read all of the butt hurt emails/comments and the flounces.
August 14, 2011 at 1:41 pm
Aaannnnd make the butthurters pay $10 ($5 for Sam, $5 for April’s charity) to have the letters read by him.
August 12, 2011 at 3:30 pm
Your instructions must have been very clear and specific, because he nailed all the important complaints.
August 12, 2011 at 10:38 pm
He didn’t call her un-fucking-Twitter.
I’d pay extra for him to edit that in.
August 14, 2011 at 1:43 pm
@Crease & Desist: To be fair, his time per video IS limited and she’s been given SO much material to work with! Maybe we can hope for a few more entries.
August 12, 2011 at 3:01 pm
I wonder how this would go over as Christmas gifts to the family I pretty much hate?
August 12, 2011 at 3:24 pm
It would certainly make YOUR Christmas merry and bright!
August 12, 2011 at 4:22 pm
Best way ever to not be forced to celebrate with them again!
August 12, 2011 at 5:20 pm
That would be a win-win, now and forever!
August 12, 2011 at 3:01 pm
Freakin fantastic!! No better way to be told off. I would love to be told off by him!! DO IT AGAIN! AND AGAINNN!!!
August 12, 2011 at 3:20 pm
Do you need some time alone?
August 12, 2011 at 3:02 pm
Perfect. The weekend is coming up and I could use a new asshole.
August 12, 2011 at 3:02 pm
I have SO missed having an abusive relationship, this almost makes up for my mother being gone.*
Hey, will he do it in a towel for another fiverr? He doesn’t need to dance on accounta the accent.
August 12, 2011 at 3:02 pm
*to Florida. She lives.
August 12, 2011 at 3:09 pm
Truly, I would love to have him do a generic all purpose Flounce response that could be played every time there was a noteworthy Flounce, as I personally don’t think each and every Flounce should get its own $5.00 Sam Cornwell Flounce.
It would be more for our pleasures anyways.
August 12, 2011 at 7:40 pm
THIS
August 12, 2011 at 3:02 pm
Getting paid. To yell at people.
. . .I think I have a new goal in life.
August 12, 2011 at 5:06 pm
I could just record phone conversations with husband mine while he is driving in traffic…a rich untapped mine
August 12, 2011 at 9:05 pm
Goldmine
August 12, 2011 at 3:03 pm
Oh, how this could be abused… I have more people who need this guy’s ire than I have $5 bills to stuff down his trousers spend.
August 12, 2011 at 3:03 pm
I wonder if I could use him to ask my husband for a divorce…. hmmmm
August 12, 2011 at 3:21 pm
If you decide to go for it, please share!
August 12, 2011 at 3:22 pm
Is a 3-inch dick involved? Sam Cornwell could change the wording a bit, but that is a good line to use somehow.
August 12, 2011 at 3:34 pm
Oh, sorry for the double post. I didn’t know what had happened the first time.
August 12, 2011 at 3:28 pm
somehow “ask” doesn’t seem to fit in this context.
August 12, 2011 at 3:28 pm
Is a 3-inch dick in the picture? Because that’s already in Sam’s script. He might have to reword a bit?
August 12, 2011 at 3:04 pm
The Regretsy Flounce Monologues. Awesome!
August 12, 2011 at 3:09 pm
I smell a charity album coming on….
August 12, 2011 at 3:04 pm
I bet he could have found most of this info in the comments sections from flouncers lol
But it was most amusing to hear it being spoken out loud, in an accent by a guy with an handlebar mustache, instead of me reading it in my head
August 12, 2011 at 3:06 pm
I was having flashes of FCKH8.com videos while watching this. ^_^ Brilliant!
August 12, 2011 at 7:29 pm
I wasn’t even thinking of those but I love them and now I have to go watch them again.
August 12, 2011 at 3:08 pm
See, whenever someone flounces I’m gonna picture them as Sam Cornwell now. Which will make their pathetic flailing even more hilarious.
August 12, 2011 at 3:10 pm
Except I bet he can spell.
August 12, 2011 at 3:13 pm
I’m sure he can. But I’ll just imagine him saying their mispellings phonetically.
August 12, 2011 at 3:08 pm
I don’t think I have enough money for all the people who need to get one of these…
August 12, 2011 at 3:09 pm
hmmm I think I need one to include as part of a party invitation … yes. “You people call yourselves FRIENDS of unholyghost and Monkey? Yet here you are on the fucking fence about trundling your fat ass down to their new fucking house? You lazy cunting bastards.” I am pretty much sold on the idea.
August 12, 2011 at 3:12 pm
Except, uhg, I heard that one in Jason Statham’s voice
After which he proceeded to kick everyone’s ass while removing his shirt.
August 12, 2011 at 8:55 pm
Your post shows that Jason Statham’s life has at least three purposes. Most people don’t even have one.
August 12, 2011 at 4:23 pm
This will be the new way to shame people who don’t reply to wedding invites.
August 12, 2011 at 3:09 pm
Wonderful! Happy birthday, everyone I know!
August 12, 2011 at 3:10 pm
If he only could have worked in “hobo wedding”….
August 12, 2011 at 3:26 pm
He’d have had so much to say that he’d end up with laryngitis.
August 12, 2011 at 3:14 pm
Oh God. Thank you so much Regretsy. This is wonderful, I just ordered one for my asshat father.
August 12, 2011 at 3:16 pm
Hahahaa this is my new favorite thing to come from the internet ever! That mustache would put many a hipster to shame. And “Suck my 3 inch cock” even sounded intimidating.
August 12, 2011 at 3:16 pm
Is this guy married? I’m in love.
August 12, 2011 at 4:00 pm
I think I need him more!
August 12, 2011 at 3:17 pm
I love that we have so much room in our fat, jealous, lazy, loser hearts to keep adopting these men into our lives.
And writing /fic about them (which I need to see immediately, thanks) and requesting many pictures and drawings and dances from them.
Well done. Well done indeed.
See you in hell.
August 12, 2011 at 3:22 pm
it’s like a huge regretsy field trip and everywhere we go there’s a box of weird ass puppies that we have to adopt or they’ll get euthanized…
August 12, 2011 at 3:31 pm
Ok, gonna get serious for a second. For me, this is part of what Regretsy is. Mocking overly serious terrible crafts, sure, but we have a space in our black, withered, fat jealous loser hearts for people of genuine (if slightly strange) talents and a sense of humour.
We promote actual talent, skill and willingness to make fun of yourself, and that is a good thing.
Rum-inspired seriousness over, I promise.
August 12, 2011 at 3:45 pm
my goal / dream (when / if i ever start making things again) is to have a piece make it on regretsy! i think i could take the heat just for the increase in traffic!
and i haven’t even HAD any vodka today? maybe that’s the problem?
August 12, 2011 at 3:19 pm
The local Ren Faire used to have a “professional insulter” he was *fantastic*! It was about $10 bucks and you could tip more to have him follow whatever friend/family/random person you were annoyed with at that time and he would have us in tears with laughter every time!
Sadly some jackasses with no sense of humor complained and had him removed from the faire
Those were good time and great memories… thanks
August 12, 2011 at 3:20 pm
ok… i know tube socks dude said it could only be 2 people in the draw-ring but if i threw in an extra fiverr, could it be a 3 way w/ THIS guy??? purdy pleeeeeeze!
August 12, 2011 at 3:23 pm
Go look for him on the forums! This needs to happen!
August 12, 2011 at 3:21 pm
Only a Brit could do that so well.
Love it.
August 12, 2011 at 3:23 pm
Would it be legal to have an American husband and a British one? Because I think I’m in love.
August 12, 2011 at 3:24 pm
Perhaps it’s because I’m in the process of writing a dissertation, but I am really getting off on how much research he did for this five-buck gig. Unless, of course, he’s a regular Retgretsian. WHICH WOULD BE AWESOME.
August 12, 2011 at 3:34 pm
I hate to burst your bubble, but I think April gave him the material to expand upon. He’ll use your words or do it off-the-cuff, according to his ad.
August 12, 2011 at 8:46 pm
Aw, damn! *pop*
Oh, well. It’s good, actually, that you clued me in. I might’ve developed kind of an obsessive crush on him, but now I’ll probably be okay with just listening to this a couple of times a day when I really need a fix.
August 12, 2011 at 3:37 pm
He does say you can give him a script though. I expect Ms. Killer gave him some content notes. If she didn’t and that is all him … I am in total awe.
August 12, 2011 at 3:25 pm
Fucking Brilliant! We get a laugh and this guy gets to blow off a lot of steam. Why didn’t I think of this???
August 12, 2011 at 3:29 pm
I’m a little butthurt, I send you CF4L written on my giant boobs from fiverr weeks ago and fat tube sock man gets the love?
I’m gonna go pout and glue glitter to prozac for my etsy store.
August 12, 2011 at 3:38 pm
Most Regretsy commenters seem to be more into male anatomy than female. And apparently there are quite a few of us who are well-endowed with boobage. Not fair, but there it is, supply and demand at work.
August 12, 2011 at 4:15 pm
while I agree, who doesnt love boobs too?
August 12, 2011 at 4:15 pm
Yep. I like both (no shit, sherlock) but I get to see plenty of attractive, barely dressed women, and not so many men.
August 12, 2011 at 5:41 pm
I like both, too (as my many comments about Kirsten Vangsness will attest), but so many of us could easily do the boobie messages ourselves. April is ferreting out the men who are not only attractive, but have unique um, talents.
August 12, 2011 at 7:45 pm
I’m not really all that upset to be honest, sure making more money rocks, but I like regretsy for what it is anywho.
August 12, 2011 at 8:56 pm
This is the Chippendale’s of craft snark.
August 12, 2011 at 3:33 pm
I love the tight editing to get in the maximum amount of insult.
August 12, 2011 at 3:36 pm
I already have a soft (moist and tingly) spot for British men, that’s why I married one! Getting cursed out by this man feels like a walk in the park on crisp spring morning, he’s too awesome for words:-D
August 12, 2011 at 3:37 pm
I was waiting for him to call her a fat, jealous loser with nothing better to do than make fun of people, but he didn’t
I was still thoroughly entertained!
August 12, 2011 at 3:38 pm
He reminds me a bit of Gordon Ramsay. Like, if you were having sex, he’d slap you and pull your hair, but you’d like it.
August 12, 2011 at 5:20 pm
um, well, yah, doesnt everybody
August 12, 2011 at 3:38 pm
AMAZING. I love that the Brits use cunt so freely. I wish it wasn’t so frowned upon here.
August 12, 2011 at 4:02 pm
Oh no! Did someone frown upon your cunt?
August 12, 2011 at 4:16 pm
Why would someone draw a frowny face on a cunt? Smiley faces, all the way.
August 12, 2011 at 5:40 pm
Sideways, obviously.
August 12, 2011 at 5:42 pm
But not talking, please!
August 13, 2011 at 5:21 am
*ahem* It’s not used “freely” in the UK, it’s considered the most appalling of all swear words. It will be bleeped from TV programmes where the rest of the four-letter vocabulary is tossed about with gay abandon.
Just the other night I watched a repeat of “Have I Got News For You” where they replayed the clip of “Jeremy Hunt, the Culture Secretary” being Spoonerised on the radio. It was allowed in context (and after 10 pm), but the show had to be prefaced by a “very strong language” warning.
And by the way, that clip is well worth listening to. Not for the slip so much, as James Naughtie’s strangled attempts at not laughing afterwards. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YS5mVoqJpUk
August 12, 2011 at 3:39 pm
The three inch cock thing really made it for me.
August 12, 2011 at 3:46 pm
Unlike reading other people’s comments.
August 12, 2011 at 3:52 pm
Kimoutre, you did it for me again! Excuse me while I let loose my inner and outer blonde…
SQUEE!!!!
OK, I’m back. Thanks again!
August 12, 2011 at 5:11 pm
Pet peeve of mine. I’m guessing that’s pretty evident!
August 12, 2011 at 5:23 pm
I’m with you. When I come to a post late and I have an idea, I do a search for the primary term (“pimp” in one case) and then decide if my comment is too similar.
August 12, 2011 at 5:46 pm
I guess I’m a big ol’ nerd, but I actually read all the comments, unless it becomes obvious that the topic has swerved in a direction that doesn’t interest me (which is rare), or is chock full of repeaters/inane commenters (which tends to happen as the list reaches a certain length).
August 12, 2011 at 6:57 pm
I like to read all the comments, too, but when there are already 100+, I do the search, post my comment (if I can), and then go back to read. I don’t always have a lot of time on the computer, so I act fast before the idea flies away. When it seems as if there are too many repeats (or inane comments, as you so aptly state), I usually give up.
August 12, 2011 at 3:40 pm
he is so refreshing and delightful! the accent just MAKES the whole video, dontcha think?
this is definitely something i would purchase- just gotta think of who or what he could bitch about. the possibilities are endless!
August 12, 2011 at 3:46 pm
Faaack Off
He reminds me a little of Rufus Hound. Could just be a ‘stache, mind you.
August 12, 2011 at 3:48 pm
Sam’s on Facebook. http://www.facebook.com/SAMMYCTV
August 12, 2011 at 3:49 pm
The real question here is, can I pay him five dollars to talk dirty to me?
August 12, 2011 at 3:59 pm
That’s pretty good!
August 12, 2011 at 6:00 pm
you misspelled “fucking awesome”
August 12, 2011 at 3:59 pm
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August 12, 2011 at 3:59 pm
Too bad my mother in law is already dead, I would have scripted one for him to send to her. It would have been worth my husband not talking to me for a couple weeks.
August 12, 2011 at 4:00 pm
August 12, 2011 at 4:17 pm
Did anyone else see the Miserable Santa version?
August 12, 2011 at 4:25 pm
This guy is my hero for saying Bullocks that many times!
August 12, 2011 at 4:26 pm
Absolutely brill!!
August 12, 2011 at 4:35 pm
Bloody brilliant!
August 12, 2011 at 4:42 pm
Got this note from Sam:
If you ask April nicely, she may show you the other two videos that I did for her
Come on, April…show them to us!!
August 12, 2011 at 8:59 pm
Two videos… Maybe we should throw beads at her for a chance to see them.
August 12, 2011 at 4:44 pm
*standing ovation*
August 12, 2011 at 4:48 pm
(I posted this in TOTALLY the wrong thread – under the S and M pillows. Go figure.)
I thumbed up his fiverr page and so it was on my facebook page – my brother in law (a Brit) liked it. (Everyone else will look the other way).
When my niece was 5 and I was visiting them (in Texas), she was going on and on about something the fogging dog had done. My brother in law was across the room looking embarrassed and trying to hush her up. I finally figured out how to translate “fogging dog” into American English.
August 12, 2011 at 4:48 pm
Its like Gordon Ramsey suddenly started giving mustache rides as well as telling you your kitchen sucks balls! Brilliant! I know what to get my sister for Christmas!
August 12, 2011 at 4:57 pm
Yeah, I totally started my own fiverr thing this week after Dror and the musical theatre guy, but if I hadn’t, this would probably convince me, because this is fucking excellent.
August 12, 2011 at 8:57 pm
Link to your fiverr?
August 13, 2011 at 4:52 am
It’s not really anything particularly impressive, unless people come up with really bizarre songs, but here it is
August 12, 2011 at 4:59 pm
This is beautiful.
August 12, 2011 at 4:59 pm
Please let me know when you need someone to suck his 3″ cock.
August 12, 2011 at 5:19 pm
That was one of the most awesome, best things I have ever seen. This guy – awesome. The insulting, well done. The accent – makes the whole package!
August 12, 2011 at 5:26 pm
From now on, whenever I’m pissed off at or feeling sorry for myself I will hear this guys voice telling me off.
And then I will be turned on.
August 12, 2011 at 5:27 pm
I peronally imaged that I was watching this on TV* and was that much more delighted by it. It would totally make me want to check out Regretsy… y’know, if I weren’t already here, commenting… lol
*In some alternate universe where you can say things like that on TV. Or maybe HBO, I do not have HBO, so maybe they could run this spot without bleeping it.
August 12, 2011 at 6:02 pm
THAT WAS FUCKING AWESOME.
August 12, 2011 at 6:06 pm
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August 12, 2011 at 6:23 pm
OMFG YOU GUYS.
I’ve been trying and trying to come up with just the right way to tell my soon-to-be-former boss (as of 47 hours from now, but who’s counting…) what she can do with her passive-aggressive post-its and her $7.50/hr.
THIS is where my last paycheck from there’s totally gonna go.
August 12, 2011 at 6:24 pm
OR OR OR… I could hire Dror to paint “I quit!” on his belly…
August 12, 2011 at 6:57 pm
But that would be rewarding her. She definitely needs Sam. Save Dror for the happy messages!
August 12, 2011 at 7:02 pm
I agree with Kimoutre–do not send Dror to her! She deserves Sam. YOU deserve Dror, for having the backbone to quit that stinking job–so treat yourself!
(I have to ask, did your boss write her Post-its in red ink? I had a passive-aggressive dickwad as a boss once who LOVED to write all his notes in large, sharp-edged red letters. Obviously everything he wrote was SO important that it had to stand out in red. I felt like I was getting a paper back from a nun every fucking time. Hated him with a passion. Good news–he finally got fired (I was gone by then, on to a much better job with a boss who became a friend.)
August 12, 2011 at 9:35 pm
If you give me 500 quid and an address I’ll pee in her butt. Oy.
August 14, 2011 at 1:47 pm
@Dark Sock, admit it–you’d do it for the round-trip bus fare and a pint afterwards!
August 12, 2011 at 6:28 pm
This man has won the internet, if you ask me. The epic FAAAACK YOU at the end ALONE was worth $5. April-Ellen, you have the best eye/ear for the finest whimsicle fuckery in the land.
August 12, 2011 at 7:17 pm
Epic! No one swears like a Brit.
FYI, I was told by a British man that “fanny” refers to a woman’s…erm, front parts; not at all what we ‘muricans refer to as a fanny. I found it amazing how hard it was to understand someone who was (supposedly) speaking the same language!
This bloke takes the biscuit (OK, I cheated by going here for Brit-speak: http://www.effingpot.com/index.shtml )
August 12, 2011 at 7:45 pm
I’m a transplanted Aussie who came to the US for grad school and one of my little gigs on campus was to inform the education students who were preparing to travel to Australia and New Zealand for teaching experience. It was always fun to explain fanny and hear the gasps of shock from the parents who attended the session with their kids.
August 12, 2011 at 8:43 pm
I once told a Brit co-worker, “I went riding this weekend, and my fanny hurts from too much time in the saddle.”
I didn’t understand why he couldn’t look me in the eye for weeks afterwards. Until I found out that fanny doesn’t mean what you think it does to a Brit.
August 13, 2011 at 6:28 pm
Well, it could happen either way…lol.
August 12, 2011 at 7:19 pm
I just ordered my rant against Bank of America! Wish I didn’t have to wait TWO WHOLE WEEKS, but for sure this’ll be the best spent $5 ever.
August 13, 2011 at 8:26 pm
[url=http://www46.zippyshare.com/v/61584095/file.html]BANKOFAMERICA.mov[/url]
Squee! Got mine today – 13 days early! He must have liked what I wanted a rant about: the fucktards at Bank of America. Best $5 I ever spent, that’s for sure. He was sweet enough to upgrade me as well. I’d have his babies if my uterus wasn’t all dried up and cobwebby.
August 13, 2011 at 8:45 pm
Umm, let’s try this, shall we?
http://www46.zippyshare.com/v/61584095/file.html
This’ll get lost in a sea of comments, but it’s so totally worth it! I posted it to regretsy’s Wall on FB if I still can’t figure out how to post a link *rolls eyeballs*.
August 14, 2011 at 10:04 am
That was fucking awesome!
August 14, 2011 at 1:52 pm
Brilliant! I sense a lot of Sam’s personal, righteous, and deserved anger at all banks. You definitely not your money’s worth!
Thanks for requesting–and for sharing!
August 12, 2011 at 7:39 pm
I couldn’t help but think that whole thing was adorable. Especially when he says “fanny”
August 12, 2011 at 8:00 pm
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!
This was fucking genius… I want to watch this on loop until I get dehydrated OR have to pee in a cup. Not so different to what I normally do, I just thought you should know.
Just ordered a little something for my blog… I already know it will be worth the wait. Only cost me $4.97 too, since your dollar is so shit right now. Bargain.
August 12, 2011 at 8:07 pm
Cunt-Moron-Fanny-Flange Prick © cholozulu2011
August 12, 2011 at 8:07 pm
August 12, 2011 at 8:27 pm
I would like to believe that I contributed to your beautiful artwork. I may print that out and hang it on my wall.
August 12, 2011 at 8:46 pm
Yay!
August 12, 2011 at 9:36 pm
Your nuts.
August 12, 2011 at 8:10 pm
OH! He is goooooooood…
August 12, 2011 at 8:21 pm
I wish I could get one for my asshole sister. But I already sent an email letting the bitchcow know just how much I disapprove of her sucking the money and life from our mother like some kind of giant, filthy, pig-faced, empty-headed, unfeeling, mucus-dripping, offspring-spewing leech.
And now I don’t think she’s opening anything from me.
August 12, 2011 at 9:04 pm
Add “fwd:” to the subject line with a sappy title.
August 14, 2011 at 2:06 pm
My sister, who seems to only send prayer e-mails (let’s forget how I’ve told her many times that I despise any organized religion, especially Catholic, how we were raised). I don’t answer any of them and usually just delete them, HOWEVER someone must have clued her in to this–one day I got an e-mail with the subject line “I’ve been thinking of you.” Now, that’s the way she’d speak and I knew it was going to be some treacly and/or woe-is-she-everyone-disrespects-her rant, but I clicked. Yup, a prayer e-mail to a dozen people. Drats! Foiled again!
August 12, 2011 at 9:42 pm
WAIT…I think we are inlaws…
.
.
.
*call me*
August 14, 2011 at 2:01 pm
@Wretched_Biped: You brought a tear to my eye, and I don’t mean by laughing at your description of your sister. My sister (who I don’t talk to anymore, for other reasons) and I faced that with our ass-wipe brother bleeding our mom dry. Fortunately he didn’t try getting her to sell the house before she died. The tenth anniversary of her death is coming up next month and I have to try and push out any anger I still have at him. I won’t go into details about what he and that whore of a wife of his did, but I sincerely hope that his sons (well, they both look like her, so let’s give them the benefit of the doubt, shall we?) do to them exactly what he did to our mom. With their parents as their parents, I’m sure they’ve been well taught on how to screw over people who make the mistake of loving them.
Here’s a suggestion—*blinks eyes wide and innocently*—set up another e-mail account that is SO close to one that she would open (say Cousin2o instead of Cousin20).
/rant
August 12, 2011 at 8:38 pm
Do you think people would buy this from a bitch with a Southern accent? Because I am fucking awesome at telling people off.
(I do think the facial hair adds something to his…and I can’t top that awesome ‘stache.)
August 13, 2011 at 12:25 pm
When I was listening to it, I thought that it would indeed work if done in a sweet Southern accent. Something about the contrast…
August 14, 2011 at 2:03 pm
It’s worth a try–make sure you throw in “bless your heart” or some variant. I’ve been told that’s a classic Southern gentlewoman’s way of saying, “Fuck you” to the listener or about the subject of the rant.
August 12, 2011 at 8:42 pm
And in HD, too! Brilliant! British insults are the BEST insults.
August 12, 2011 at 8:46 pm
OH! And if you like British swearing as much as I do, may I introduce you to Malcolm Turner?
August 12, 2011 at 8:47 pm
Forgot the link. http://youtu.be/LugJd6uGJqI I’ve really got to stop talking to myself.
August 12, 2011 at 9:40 pm
I would stab-fuck a grizzly cub in front of its mother sporting a venison butt-plug just for the chance to eat one of this Blasphemy RotMouth’s boogers in a public venue, just so that I may be linked as a mere footnote to his astounding Bullocknacity in the annals of history.
.
After seeing this…Hinkley was right. He is my Jodie.
.
Brilliant.
.
.
.
I wish I had 5 dollars…
.
I wish a had…24 DOLLARS…
August 12, 2011 at 10:12 pm
DarkSock, I’m just crazy about you.
August 13, 2011 at 6:30 pm
Seconded! DarkSock, I’m so sorry (for your SO) that you’re taken!
August 14, 2011 at 2:11 pm
I read that as “sporting a verizon butt-plug”–The Verizon land line (wired) people are on strike here in the States and after the Bank of America rant above (commissioned by Amy OOAKley above), I was thinking it was more unleashing of hell upon big corporations. Not that there’s anything wrong with that! (You’ve got to play the rant Amy bought against Bank of America. I think that Sam has a few complaints against banks himself, which is why he moved her so far up the wait list to a matter of hours, not days!)
August 12, 2011 at 9:48 pm
I’m too drunk to watch a moving picture.
August 12, 2011 at 10:28 pm
That is an epic moustache. I can picture myself being quite happy to be verbally abused if I just got to brush it with a little doll’s comb.
Don’t look at me like that. You were all thinking the same thing.
August 14, 2011 at 2:12 pm
(in a small voice) yes, yes, a thosand times, yes, but you the only one with the guts to admit it and i <3 your awesomeness, Gaybriel!
August 13, 2011 at 2:05 am
I would give someone $5 5o send mail me some bootleg liquor or beer. All liquor shipped into the stat of Utah is bootleg due to the fucking stupid mormon laws.
August 14, 2011 at 2:14 pm
The entire state is dry?!??! Then how do you explain Orrin Hatch’s behavior? Oh, wait, those are usually when he’s in D.C. Never mind.
August 13, 2011 at 2:54 am
After a good night’s sleep, I awoke thinking that Helen should include a link to Sam’s Fiverr page in her e-mail responses to Flouncers. Let them pay to have her properly told her off. I’m sure if they wrote out their rage, he could do something creative with the misspelt words too.
Surely there could be discounts and kick-backs somewhere in here, and some kind of contractual agreement to have these posted on Regretsy for all to see.
Win-win-win-win.
August 13, 2011 at 10:26 am
That…was fucking brilliant.
August 13, 2011 at 1:31 pm
This man rocks.
August 13, 2011 at 3:01 pm
You guys are all ever so kind and lovely, and have said such beautiful things (especially DarkSock).
I will do my best to get your ranting videos done as soon as possible.
August 13, 2011 at 8:47 pm
Awesome video, Sam. I keep watching and giggling with joy. I’d love to order a video, but I’m not sure how I need to be berated.
So I might just settle for one of your nifty-looking photos in the meantime!
August 14, 2011 at 2:20 pm
Sam, you are truly awesome! I watched the Bank of America tirade that Amy OOAKley purchased. You really put on a good act of being angry at big banks. No one would ever think it was just an act and that you truly loved big, corporate, impersonal banks. No, no one.
Welcome to Regretsy!!!
August 13, 2011 at 3:51 pm
I got mine! Here is the link to it. http://www46.zippyshare.com/v/37592389/file.html If it doesn’t work, I’ll upload it to Youtube so you can all see. I love it! Let me encourage you all to buy his tip gig as well. He went above and beyond with my video, and an extra five bucks is nothing compared to the joy this will bring.
Here is a link to that. http://fiverr.com/users/samcornwell/gigs/graciously-accept-a-tip-for-all-the-hard-work-i-put-into-your-gig
August 13, 2011 at 5:49 pm
That was a thing of beauty.
August 13, 2011 at 6:34 pm
HAVE A HAPPY SHITCOCKING BIRTHDAY, KATIE
August 14, 2011 at 2:23 pm
Hallmark should start a new line of birthday cards with that one!
August 14, 2011 at 2:23 pm
That was incredible! I wondered why he was keeping the top hat on after he’d crapped on your love for Mr. Darcy! IT WAS PART OF THE SCRIPT–I LOVE IT!!!
August 13, 2011 at 5:46 pm
The mustache… the accent… The creative swearing… That man even makes jump cuts hot.
August 13, 2011 at 7:41 pm
How about some Fiverr love for Professor Puppet http://fiverr.com/users/professorpuppet/gigs/record-a-custom-message-about-anything-you-like Sam is Fiverr pal of mine. Usually he’s so nice – I don’t know what happened.
August 13, 2011 at 8:51 pm
Mine arrived! It hasn’t even been 24 hours – SAM IS THE MAN!
http://punkysmamma.blogspot.com/2011/08/made-of-win-nsfw.html
August 13, 2011 at 9:22 pm
Wonderful!
August 14, 2011 at 3:55 am
It’s BOLLOCKS not BULLOCKS.
Bollocks are balls, nuts, testicles.
.
Bullocks are baby cows and also my name
I lived in Wyoming for a while. There were more cows than people, but the locals were still confused by my name..
Excellent rant though, just like being at work
August 14, 2011 at 8:09 pm
Well fuck me sideways with a chainsaw/hammer/pick-axe that was the BEST!! CF4L FTW…
January 27, 2012 at 5:12 pm
i WILL hire this man to tell off my piece of shit boss!