DON’T FALL ASLEEP
This post first appeared on Regretsy on August 25, 2010
Prepare to wash a lot of sheets, because your kid is going to be pissing the bed until she’s in High School. Seriously, the only way this could be more terrifying is if it was a clown.
August 6, 2011 at 1:31 pm
That little girl is smiling because she’s just finalised her plan to murder whoever made this quilt.
August 6, 2011 at 1:32 pm
Whereas the other little girl just looks like she’s slipped into a fugue state- deeply traumatised by the fact that the dollquilt is touching her leg.
August 6, 2011 at 1:37 pm
actually – i think the one sitting on top of the quilt has become the vessel for the eeee-vil demon. she is now channeling said quilt spirit in her zombie state.
August 6, 2011 at 1:39 pm
10 years later she’s guilty of the worst quilt-based crimes ever recorded.
August 6, 2011 at 1:46 pm
I thought this was the worst quilt-based crime ever.
August 6, 2011 at 2:00 pm
Two word. H*** W*******.
August 6, 2011 at 9:52 pm
Hank Williams?
August 6, 2011 at 9:56 pm
@kimoutre
I think the fauxbo bride shredding antique quilts to make table runners ranks pretty high.
August 7, 2011 at 3:38 pm
This is a crime of a quilt; that’s a crime against quilts.
August 6, 2011 at 1:31 pm
It’s a Quilt It’s a Doll It’s your Worst Nightmare Come to Life.
August 6, 2011 at 10:22 pm
The Museum of Kitschy Stitches book has a picture of a crocheted afghan version from the ’50s. I couldn’t find a picture to link to, but it’s just as horrifying.
August 6, 2011 at 1:32 pm
i used to think the stuff UNDER the bed was the scariest stuff when i was falling asleep…
August 6, 2011 at 3:06 pm
Imagine looking under the bed and seeing these dead, dead eyes staring back. And that fishbelly-pale hand creeps toward your ankle…
August 6, 2011 at 1:32 pm
A pattern for a monster that won’t even make me breakfast in the morning. No deal.
August 6, 2011 at 1:32 pm
Can’t sleep, quilts will eat me…
August 6, 2011 at 4:34 pm
August 6, 2011 at 1:32 pm
when I was little I had a blanket buddy, I would wake up in the night and I could swear it was staring at me… to this day the thought of that thing still creeps me out… and now this… it’s like “Hey Kids, have a giant doll whose only job is to thermally suffocate you in your sleep!”
August 6, 2011 at 1:54 pm
CLEARANCE: Quilt doll with the face of the pedo down the street.
August 6, 2011 at 1:55 pm
PedoBear approved!
August 6, 2011 at 1:34 pm
“one of the cutest things I have ever seen…” Either the seller is REALLY narcissistic or that pattern was stolen. I fear for humanity.
August 6, 2011 at 4:15 pm
It’s stolen from one of those 70s or 80s Good Housekeeping (or Family Circle or whatever) magazine editions that was entirely patterns for different sorts of crafts.
August 6, 2011 at 1:34 pm
For some reason I can’t help thinking of Ray Milland and Rosie Greer…
August 6, 2011 at 1:38 pm
I love you. Hope that’s okay.
August 6, 2011 at 10:24 pm
I wouldn’t have gotten that comment if my husband and I hadn’t just watched that movie on late-night TV about a month ago.
August 6, 2011 at 1:34 pm
This would make an excellent table runner at a wedding someday.
August 6, 2011 at 1:36 pm
“No hun, just put your plate on her face… it’s ok…” later that night with the doll watching you in your sleep “you let them put a plate on my face?!?!” *insert twilight zone slasher gore*
August 6, 2011 at 1:48 pm
ONLY if they hack it up. And as a crafter, I would be okay with that on this one.
August 6, 2011 at 4:32 pm
You only need to amputate the freaky mutant doll appendages (and head) to make it a perfectly normal quilt.
Oh, and you should probably have it exorcized just to be safe.
August 6, 2011 at 1:35 pm
Who in Hell needs a pattern to make this? It’s just squares stitched together with crappily drawn head, feet, and hands stuck onto the edges.
August 6, 2011 at 3:17 pm
I was thinking the same thing–and about the possible modifications of said head, feet, and hands. Can’t wait til I have grandchildren to torture with fun quilts like this. . .
August 6, 2011 at 11:19 pm
If the thought of making one of these didn’t completely terrify me, I have a bratty niece who I’m sure would *love* this >:-)
August 7, 2011 at 1:33 pm
I was going to post something like, “Use buttons for the eyes, that’ll make it less terrifying because you can’t be sure it’s looking at you” and then realized that I was definitely wrong.
There is no way in hell you could make a “Doll Quilt” look cute. Maybe if it was like, I dunno, a turtle quilt, but not a doll quilt.
August 6, 2011 at 8:46 pm
The same people who need a recipe to make boiled eggs and toast.
August 7, 2011 at 9:17 am
Thanks, PM. Now I’m hungry AND terrified.
August 6, 2011 at 1:35 pm
it’s totes adorbs
August 6, 2011 at 1:43 pm
I keep reading that phrase as “totes absorbs” and keep thinking, “Then pick your damn totebag up off of the floor so it doesn’t get anything on it! Sheesh!”
August 6, 2011 at 1:52 pm
me too actually
August 6, 2011 at 10:25 pm
Totes don’t absorb, they repel. Or you need to buy a new umbrella.
August 7, 2011 at 8:36 am
There’s something I’ve been wondering and maybe you guys can help me. If someone says “totes adorbs” to me, and they’re being serious, do I have to record them saying it, or will the police just believe me that the homicide was justified?
August 7, 2011 at 1:50 pm
I would hope justifiable, if not, a jury of your peers would never convict you any way
August 6, 2011 at 1:36 pm
CAN’T SLEEP… CLOWN’LL EAT ME…
August 6, 2011 at 1:36 pm
oops – I see we had the same scary thought!
August 6, 2011 at 1:44 pm
I think someone posted that last year, but I thought it deserved repeating.
August 6, 2011 at 1:54 pm
I logged in to say the same thing. I see we’re all on the same horrified page here…
August 6, 2011 at 4:36 pm
Me, too! Simpson’s fan Regretsians for the win!
August 6, 2011 at 1:36 pm
it could be scarier still if it was a clown, not just a doll.
August 6, 2011 at 2:09 pm
I dunno… imagine waking up in the middle of the night to find that giant doll face half an inch from yours. And its quilty arms wrapped oddly tightly around your body… and getting tighter… and tighter… until you can no longer breathe… or scream….
August 6, 2011 at 2:16 pm
Why? Why do you do this to me? I am crawling in with my kids tonight.
August 6, 2011 at 3:11 pm
I wouldn’t – the doll possesses them at night. Imagine their tiny, clammy hands clutching your throat….
August 6, 2011 at 4:17 pm
Sounds like a Stephen King short story.
August 6, 2011 at 10:10 pm
I have a horror hard-on for you right now.
August 6, 2011 at 10:42 pm
Thank you in advance for the nightmares. I thought it was scary enough to wake up with my sleeping cat’s butthole in my face.
August 6, 2011 at 10:27 pm
Damn. I thought it *was* a clown. Okay, the afghan I mentioned above may actually be scarier. It IS a clown!
August 6, 2011 at 1:36 pm
I see a market for an adult version. And that scares me.
August 6, 2011 at 1:39 pm
The spread that spreads.
August 6, 2011 at 1:40 pm
Oh god. Curse my active imagination! The vagina! The terrifying plush vagina!
August 6, 2011 at 2:13 pm
Just don’t put this into a teenage boy’s bedroom; otherwise the sheets will be sticky.
August 6, 2011 at 2:17 pm
as if they aren’t already…
August 6, 2011 at 3:13 pm
Don’t worry – They already put the giant plushie hoohah on a wedding dress.
August 6, 2011 at 1:37 pm
Looks like I’m not gonna need that enema (pin) anymore.
August 6, 2011 at 1:38 pm
Why does her photo look like it was taken in 1975?
August 6, 2011 at 1:40 pm
because it is from 1975… back then most people were too crazed out on coke to realize that the “cute” doll blanket was the reason little susie wet the bed until she was forty five…
August 6, 2011 at 1:45 pm
It’s probably the illustration off of the Stoned Hippie Sewing Sampler she got the pattern from.
August 6, 2011 at 1:38 pm
If you make that thing look like Uhuru or 7 of 9 or some other Trekkie geek fantasy chick, AND make it anatomically correct, I guarantee you’ll sell a million of them in under a day.
August 6, 2011 at 2:02 pm
That’s a whole different kind of product.
August 7, 2011 at 1:35 pm
…I see where you’re coming from, but they already have body pillows for that. Also, whose dream girl is wide, flat, and has bulbous limbs?
August 6, 2011 at 1:39 pm
It’s just like that time Gramma rolled over on me and dipped into a coma!
August 6, 2011 at 1:40 pm
How to turn your kid into a serial killer …
August 6, 2011 at 1:42 pm
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August 6, 2011 at 1:43 pm
Looks like a great aunt that was run over by a steam roller.
August 6, 2011 at 10:29 pm
I was thinking “Grandma Got Run Over by a Steamroller.”
August 6, 2011 at 1:44 pm
All I can think is “there has to be some fetish for this shit”.
August 6, 2011 at 1:48 pm
GOT TO BE.
And stop thinking what I’m thinking…
August 6, 2011 at 10:29 pm
I’m thinking Rule 34.
August 6, 2011 at 4:16 pm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Agalmatophilia
There might exist a venn diagram overlap of doll fetishists and quilt fetishists whose needs this quilt would meet, but I didn’t want to break wikipedia by finding out.
August 6, 2011 at 5:09 pm
jeebus what did you score on the GRE? my brain never would have went there…
August 7, 2011 at 1:36 pm
It’s called being on the internet for too long, I think. I have to stop myself from going there.
August 6, 2011 at 1:44 pm
The only way this could be more adorable is if it was in a shredder in the FIERY PITS of HELL.
August 6, 2011 at 11:34 pm
Ellen will be handing ‘em out as a welcome gift at the brimstony gates.
cactus! Hellooo, welcome to eternity. <lowregisterplusdisturbinggrowlmwahahahahaa>Here’s your quilt.</lowregisterplusdisturbinggrowlmwahahahahaa>
August 6, 2011 at 1:46 pm
But is it haunted by the spirit of a 15-year-old hussy from 1769?
August 6, 2011 at 1:48 pm
If anything’s haunted, this is.
August 6, 2011 at 10:23 pm
I’d say the dog in the photo below looks pretty haunted too…
August 6, 2011 at 1:47 pm
from the maker of the doggie’s winkie wrap (see how happy doggie looks?)
This does not bode well for what that quilt might do or feel like…
August 6, 2011 at 1:50 pm
Besides being hideous, this thing looks too small for the poor pup!
August 6, 2011 at 1:53 pm
it’s wrapped around his penis and then attached to his collar.
No matter what size, this is not going to feel good. Well, possibly for humans but I don’t thing dogs go there by choice.
August 6, 2011 at 1:54 pm
dammit. *think.
then again.. maybe thing is ok in this case.
August 6, 2011 at 4:18 pm
People use those for dogs who pee in the house, not as a fashion statement!
August 6, 2011 at 4:58 pm
I never meant to give the impression I thought attaching a penis to a collar was a fashion statement.
August 6, 2011 at 2:26 pm
That wasn’t the only bit of fuckery in her shop.
Behold the Snow Bunny Ponytail Hat:
http://www.etsy.com/listing/62647423/crochet-pattern-finally-a-sexy-ski-hat
August 6, 2011 at 3:12 pm
For when it’s so cold you need a neck/face warmer, buy this hat full of holes!
August 6, 2011 at 3:12 pm
That looks like a styling failure on Project Runway.
And that lady’s eyes are almost as scary as quiltdoll’s.
August 6, 2011 at 4:00 pm
She looks like the Queen of Narnia.
August 6, 2011 at 5:10 pm
and not sexy at all
August 6, 2011 at 6:00 pm
this is something bjork might wear, everyone should have a hat that looks like a lion’s mane.
August 6, 2011 at 1:53 pm
I remember this. My comment was “If they could use a zombie golden girl instead of the little dolly, they would be onto something.”
August 6, 2011 at 1:53 pm
oh I thought for a minutes that this was a post about a fucking creepy terrifying quilt…. WAIT.. WHAT IN THE BLUE FUCK IS THAT THING??????? WHO DOES THIS TO THEIR KID??
August 6, 2011 at 1:55 pm
A well-meaning friend of my mother gave me something similar when I was kid, but it was supposed to be a teddy bear. Actually, it was more of a cross between grizzly taxidermy and Pedobear. I kept it on my bed until we moved because I was afraid it would get angry if I packed it away in a box. I still have nightmares.
August 6, 2011 at 2:04 pm
friend of my mothers gave me a cheaply-made porcelain doll. It’s face was… off. The eyes were slightly assymetrical, enough to make it look dangerously deranged.
At night, the moonlight would come in through my curains and land on it’s face. The face looked worse in moonlight. Turning it round didn’t help, because I just imagined it was plotting while it stared at the blank wall.
In the end I ‘accidentally’ broke it so my mum had to throw it away. Still, for months I worried that the smashed pieces would come and find me.
August 6, 2011 at 5:16 pm
Oh, Anninyn…they WILL. They just HAVEN’T.
…YET.
August 7, 2011 at 1:32 am
But- I’ve moved 5 times since then…
Please keep creepdoll away from me.
August 6, 2011 at 10:07 pm
I got my best friend and his wife a set of Indonesian marionettes for their wedding. The puppets were an ornately dressed man and woman, with sticks to move the hands. They were set up in the living room, so just to fuck with my friend, I would move the heads so they would be looking in different directions every time. It really creeped my friend out.
August 6, 2011 at 5:55 pm
When I was a baby, my dad got me a deranged looking clown doll with purple hair. What was worse, when you pulled on a string, it laughed. For a long time.
What frightens me is that I don’t know what ended up happening to it.
August 6, 2011 at 1:55 pm
nightmarequil – helping your child fall into a terrified coma of sleep that they never awake from
August 6, 2011 at 2:00 pm
It’s the eyes that are the worst – blue where the white should be and white where the iris should be… *shudder*
August 6, 2011 at 2:02 pm
Why is this happening to me… ;_;
August 6, 2011 at 2:08 pm
facebook is being the mother of all fuck ups today. so business as usual really :/
August 6, 2011 at 2:14 pm
I do have to admit, though, the look on the face of the kid staring at the bedspread is Priceless! WINNING!!
August 6, 2011 at 2:44 pm
BLANK SOULLESS EYES.
August 6, 2011 at 2:47 pm
I remember seeing this the first time you featured it. It truly is horrifying and WHY WOULD YOU GIVE THIS TO YOUR CHILD
August 6, 2011 at 2:55 pm
I remember when I was a little kid (read: an adult), my blanket was my safe haven. It was my protection against the bad things that are in my closet and under my bed.
This is the opposite of that feeling.
August 6, 2011 at 3:00 pm
All I remember about my grandmother is a tall, old bed piled high with quilts, a withered hand that reached over the edge to beckon me closer, and a dry voice that croaked, “Come here, child.” Pure nightmare fuel for a little kid.
Now that I’ve discovered my grandmother was a quilt the whole time, you can bet I’m not sleeping tonight.
August 6, 2011 at 3:04 pm
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August 6, 2011 at 4:20 pm
You really don’t have to put a link to your blog at the end of every comment you make. That’s what the URL link for your user name does.
August 6, 2011 at 5:19 pm
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August 6, 2011 at 3:08 pm
It’s not “Adorable.” It’s “Atrocious.”
Glazed pupils looking out from dead, staring circus eyes, guaranteeing if you fall asleep, you won’t wake up. Ever. Nighty-night.
August 6, 2011 at 3:10 pm
At least that zombie bitch’s cankles make mine look small by comparison.
August 6, 2011 at 3:14 pm
Now it’s a Self-Esteem Blanket(TM)!
August 6, 2011 at 3:13 pm
We need a ‘where are they now?’ on these girls. Shuffling down a corridor in paper slippers is my guess.
August 6, 2011 at 3:19 pm
Why is Etsy so chock fucking full of things that would be awesome if the artist knew when to stop?
Giant puffy quilt? Fuck yes.
Giant puffy quilt with soulless eyes and dead, limp limbs? GOD NO.
Seriously, so much of what I see on here I say, “I would love that…if it didn’t have the purple vaginas and chlamydia beads slapped on at the end.”
August 6, 2011 at 3:35 pm
Oh, I am so totally making one of these as a clown! Like Tim Curry as Pennywise in Stephen King’s IT.
August 6, 2011 at 3:38 pm
http://www.nefariousfilms.com/Images/Monsters/pennywise.jpg
Or maybe one of April with the mustache and the flip flop on her head….
August 6, 2011 at 10:07 pm
I’d buy it. I wouldn’t put it on my bed for fear of never being able to sleep again but I’d still buy it.
August 6, 2011 at 3:38 pm
I’m more or less convinced that if I dig through my mom’s old sewing patterns, I’ll come across this. It looks exactly like the kind of thing she would have been impressed with in the store, bought, then brought home and never made anything with.
To which I say, thank God. My childhood was messed up enough without the addition of a soul-sucking doll-quilt.
August 6, 2011 at 3:41 pm
I expect payment from this seller soon, as I’ve designed her a whole new website:
Click here for big. Like, really big
August 6, 2011 at 3:59 pm
Pile all your friends together under this quilt and play OCTOMOM**!!!
.
**Bonus points if you douse yourselves in Kim Chee and flail out at the foot of the bed.
August 6, 2011 at 5:13 pm
Kimchee – the food that does increase the size of the smell.
August 6, 2011 at 10:42 pm
I had a roommate who kept kimchee in our little dorm room fridge. Pretty soon, we couldn’t keep anything else in it. At least, I couldn’t keep yogurt.
August 6, 2011 at 9:13 pm
This comment has made me happy for several hours already.
August 6, 2011 at 4:10 pm
I’m pretty sure I have the magazine/booklet that this was copied out of (I’m a huge nerd that collects vintage knitting/crochet/sewing/crafting magazines, booklets, and books – no matter how hideous the patterns are).
Does copyright infringement not matter after a certain amount of years?
August 6, 2011 at 4:46 pm
pshht. Since when has Etsy worried it’s pretty little head over little things like copyright infringement? I mean, you start doing that, and the next thing you know, you have to start cracking down on resellers, too.
August 6, 2011 at 8:59 pm
Ha. Very true.
August 6, 2011 at 9:06 pm
Unless it’s changed since I could be bothered to look it up, US copyright expires 75 years after the death of the original copyright owner (usually the creator), unless the original owner’s legal heirs re-register it with the U.S. Copyright Office.
I’m not sure this counts as infringement, unless the seller is claiming that she created the pattern…and she didn’t. It’s possible she did, I guess. I’m too creeped out, lazy, and full from dinner to read her listing carefully enough to find out.
August 6, 2011 at 4:12 pm
You wake up in the morning and the head has turned and is staring at you .
August 6, 2011 at 4:22 pm
August 6, 2011 at 4:40 pm
But they look so happy together!
August 6, 2011 at 5:23 pm
This made me snort my coke and consider peeing myself. XD Well done!
August 6, 2011 at 5:58 pm
This is one of those times when spelling out Coca-Cola might have been advisable.
August 6, 2011 at 7:38 pm
It wasn’t Coca-Cola.
August 6, 2011 at 9:17 pm
You are a motherflippin genius. This will CURE my husband’s snoring problems forever. One look at this and he’ll never sleep again.
August 7, 2011 at 2:33 pm
I love the pic of Pennywise on the floor under the bed….almost didn’t see it…nearly pissed myself
August 6, 2011 at 4:44 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
August 6, 2011 at 5:14 pm
My mom, the consummate quilter, stitched one of those up for my cousin back in the day. It was adorable back then, but what can I say? It was the 70s! Holly Hobby, polyester and bad taste were the triumvirate of all humanity…..
August 6, 2011 at 10:11 pm
I had the Holly Hobby sheets… thankfully, my mother worked and was a single mother, and therefore didn’t have the time to make me one of these to go with them.
August 6, 2011 at 6:08 pm
well it could be worse you know…..
August 6, 2011 at 6:51 pm
Yeah, it could be worse.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QzlsmSqSqXI
August 6, 2011 at 8:03 pm
It’s just like the time Aunt Tilly got drunk at Christmas dinner and passed out on your bed. Only now you have to sleep UNDER her…EVERY NIGHT!
August 6, 2011 at 9:54 pm
You just described an Ozarks marriage.
August 6, 2011 at 8:56 pm
Look! It’s the children of the Faux-Bo couple!
August 6, 2011 at 9:53 pm
Apparently the dog in her avatar thinks the fuckery in her shop is so bad he has permanently squeezed his eyeballs shut.
August 6, 2011 at 10:09 pm
This quilt really needs this.
August 6, 2011 at 10:45 pm
Double the Terror!Double the Fun!
August 6, 2011 at 10:56 pm
Fuck the quilt. I need this.
August 6, 2011 at 10:09 pm
Am I the only one who totally wants that fucking quilt?
August 8, 2011 at 10:49 am
I might be crazy, but I think it’s awesome!
I had a big sister doll when I was a kid, it was sort of a giant soft doll that looked kinda like this, and I LOVED it! I would have loved to have a quilt like this!
August 6, 2011 at 10:54 pm
Did anyone ever read “Wizard’s Hall” by jane Yolen? This is what the quilting beast would look like, just imagine each square has the faint impression of a screaming face.
August 6, 2011 at 11:13 pm
The wost part would be if you were a kid (or adult) who actually loved it, then fell asleep with your special new puffy quilt, only to wake up with that awful head turned face down on top of your own face trying to suck the very soul out of you as you suffocated under the puffy weight of your adorable puffy quilt. *shudder*
August 7, 2011 at 2:22 am
I’ve not slept in over 24 hrs….raging case of insomnia. Seriously not having any luck resting. Gotta say that quilt didn’t help matters.
August 7, 2011 at 4:28 am
I’m just wondering why the feet are a thousand times larger than the head. It’s like they skinned somebody suffering from a particularly horrible case of elephantiasis and paid some children to say they love their new doll quilt.
August 7, 2011 at 10:57 am
I can’t imagine waking up to that doll’s face inches from mine. It’s a cute concept, but I’m sure I’d be shitting myself every morning.
August 7, 2011 at 12:19 pm
This picture is a total fail.
Failing at making bedtime comfortable & secure.
Failing @ making sure both of your twins don’t have nightmares.
Failing @ being concerned that one twin has turned to stone.
Failing to notice that the one kid is holding on to the dolly blankets left arm for dear life.
Failing to notice that a smaller 10 inch version would be more adorable and less creepy.
August 7, 2011 at 1:11 pm
However, if the craftard wrote a screenplay based on a killer comforter (or in cupcake I guess it would be a killer komforter) she’ probably succeed.
August 7, 2011 at 7:14 pm
Replica of a sheet of human hide.
August 8, 2011 at 7:19 am
“Perfect for the busy mom who just can’t find the time to keep up a steady flow of barbiturates AND tuck their kids in at night. The blank stare and limp arms are so lifelike, the kids will never know it’s not really you!”
much better.