A NEW RECORD
YOU RAISED $8,000.00 IN ONE WEEK FOR AN ETSY SELLER IN NEED
As you know, April’s Army has a fundraising sale the last week of every month to help an Etsy seller in need. Last month we raised a little over $7,000, which is the most we’ve raised in any one week so far.
Well, records were made to be broken, or at least that’s what that fat guy on ESPN says. And last week, you assholes raised $8,000 to help Etsy seller Mary, who was about to lose her house.
HOW DO YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT
Here’s a message to all of you,from Mary and her husband:
Dear April and fellow Regretsians,
I can not begin to express how grateful I am for all the love and support I have received in the last week. I spent most of last Monday in tears, amazed by the outpouring of love and kindness. All day long, I received convos, emails and notes via Paypal, offering advice, prayer and good thoughts. I have been overwhelmed, in the best possible way, with custom orders, donations and over 400 sales.
The money from donations alone has been enough to keep us from being evicted. I can’t describe how good it feels to know that we will be able to stay in our house. I love it here so much and worked so hard to get here, only to come so close to losing it. Now, I can pay our bills, his medical expenses and have money to keep us afloat until he’s well enough to return to work, and I can find a new job.
I’m still stunned by the fact that so many people gave of themselves to help us start to put our lives back together, just when I felt like there was no more hope for us. I cannot express the overwhelming relief we both feel, and I humbly offer my most heartfelt thanks to each and every one of you.
Mary
This brings Regretsy’s total to over $80,000 raised for charitable causes since December, 2009. Yes, you heartless bastards have made this all possible because you’re fat jealous losers with nothing better to do than make fun of shitty crafting.
I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Just because you’ve been so good, there might be a special something for you in the Members Only post tonight.
Password: MIKE
EDIT: I almost forgot! June’s recipient, Katie, sent us this email.
Hey April!
My mom just got the final statement on her loan showing that she owes *nothing*!!! It was the most amazing piece of paper we’ve ever received. I scanned it and I’m going to put it up on the blog, but I wanted to send it to you first. Thank you so much!
-Katie
August 1, 2011 at 8:08 pm
That is so cool.
August 1, 2011 at 8:09 pm
This is so awesome! I’m just sorry that I was not able to contribute in any way except good thoughts.
August 1, 2011 at 10:16 pm
Same here, but now I feel all warm and fucking fuzzy. Thanks a lot, guys.
August 1, 2011 at 8:09 pm
Death to the non-believers!
Wait.
Huzzahs all around!
August 1, 2011 at 8:10 pm
And you know what? I AM HAPPY. so there.
August 1, 2011 at 8:10 pm
That’s so fucking wonderful!! A round for the house, on me, people!!!
August 1, 2011 at 8:26 pm
I’M buying a round too, and I don’t even indulge any more! <3 <3 <3
August 1, 2011 at 8:31 pm
I like my gin martinis dirty. With extra olives. Just how I like Mike.
August 1, 2011 at 8:10 pm
I have that record player! I bought one so that I could turn it into a clock. Thanks ebay!
http://a7.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash1/18737_539928312694_52305006_31777177_1158794_n.jpg
August 1, 2011 at 8:13 pm
it doesn’t look very clocky…and omg that cookie jar xD
August 1, 2011 at 9:02 pm
Yeah, I haven’t turned it into the clock yet. someday….I am one of those kind of crafters.
August 2, 2011 at 7:13 am
Are there other kinds of crafters? If so, fuck them.
I bet they even “organize” all their supplies instead of heaping them into garbage bags in the closet. Who do they think they are, the craft pope?
August 2, 2011 at 2:20 pm
Oh thank god, I thought that was the care bear record player and freaked out that someone could do that to it. Don’t get me wrong, yay regretsy, but the care bears record player is freaking awesome.
August 1, 2011 at 8:12 pm
Wooooooooooo! I’ll wear my best-fourth-of-july-cake earrings with even more pride now! They match my work uniform, and I’ve been wearing them to work every day since I got them. It’s a way to weave a little bit of subversive whimsicle fuckery into the everyday. PS great job making them! I have literally no idea how to cut layers of clay without the colors bleeding all into one another.
August 1, 2011 at 8:15 pm
Craft Chat Alert: I work with polymer clay a lot…try freezing it first. Then sand of any excess after baking!
August 1, 2011 at 8:27 pm
Thanks! I will have to try that!
August 1, 2011 at 8:12 pm
Damn. It’s almost enough to restore my faith in fat, jealous losers.
August 1, 2011 at 8:13 pm
I was just going to say, we do damn well for a bunch of fat, jealous losers.
August 1, 2011 at 9:20 pm
Somehow, that still won’t make up for us being meanie poo-poo heads to some delicate little cupcake.
Oh, look at that. I don’t even HAVE a rat’s ass around here I could give about that. Fresh out of rats’ asses.
August 1, 2011 at 10:15 pm
im positive you can find one on etsy under taxidermy somewhere.
oh! http://www.etsy.com/listing/68588953/plush-ratmouse-tail
http://www.etsy.com/listing/78861576/zombie-rat-rogue-taxidermy-sculpture
or http://www.etsy.com/listing/76874516/tanned-whiterat-pelt
wait.. no.. here it is
http://www.etsy.com/listing/73067730/amber-rat-tail-necklace
August 2, 2011 at 5:19 pm
Is it bad that I want those?
August 1, 2011 at 9:49 pm
what what? you mean you lost faith somewhere? like.. in the tub drain or something? dont you know fat, jealous losers are full of awesome?
August 1, 2011 at 8:12 pm
To think, none of this would be possible if we weren’t talentless fatties taking pleasure in criticizing guys in beaver coats.
Also, MIKE!
August 2, 2011 at 5:09 am
I read that as “taintless” fatties. Need more coffee…
August 1, 2011 at 8:13 pm
Well, this is obviously some sort of cruel prank. There is no room for empathy in the cold, cold heart of an internet denizen. If you dislike one ugly macrame project, you obviously hate the world.
August 1, 2011 at 8:34 pm
Damn, you guessed.
August 1, 2011 at 9:08 pm
I will hate the world as long as there is macrame in it.
August 1, 2011 at 9:13 pm
One of my friends HATES Regretsy because it’s “just people making fun of other people’s efforts”.
His birthday is this week, and I literally cannot buy stupid Etsy shit fast enough.
Am I above winning an argument with “novelty” gifts? No. No I am not.
August 1, 2011 at 9:22 pm
Won’t you please honor us with a photo of all the fuckery you collect?
August 2, 2011 at 7:22 am
I second the photo request.
August 2, 2011 at 8:27 am
Third.
August 2, 2011 at 1:13 pm
Fifth.
Wait, DAMN IT!
August 1, 2011 at 8:14 pm
I love this!
August 1, 2011 at 8:14 pm
I love the pretzel earrings I bought! I even got a bonus cupcake ring!
August 1, 2011 at 8:14 pm
We are awesome.
August 1, 2011 at 8:15 pm
All of you drunk, fat, jealous assholes are my heroes. Snark on.
August 1, 2011 at 8:17 pm
Well fuck. Now I am happy and in tears. Mike better be naked so I can be horny, happy and in tears.
August 1, 2011 at 9:04 pm
Sounds like my typical Saturday night.
August 1, 2011 at 8:17 pm
I’m sad I missed the deadline for a contribution…but I’m getting this month in early! Good job you fat slags!
August 1, 2011 at 8:18 pm
As a matter of fact, I WILL sleep well tonight.
After the Mike post.
August 1, 2011 at 8:21 pm
I’m afraid I’ll be “up” all night after the Mike post, if you catch my drift.
August 1, 2011 at 8:19 pm
How do I sleep at night? It probably looks a little like this…
August 1, 2011 at 8:29 pm
LMAO, that would be me tomorrow, if I waited up every night for CF4L! I dunno, I might try it anyway, after getting an early hot flash at seeing tonight’s password! (I usually control myself till getting home in the
late afternoon, even on Monday nights…we shall see. Hee.)
August 2, 2011 at 6:00 am
you forgot the drool…
August 2, 2011 at 1:16 pm
Adorable. You could sell this print on Etsy for $25… $50 if you replace the laptop with some barn wood or a rusted piece of corrugated metal. Are you up to date on your tetanus shots?
August 1, 2011 at 8:19 pm
This is wonderful… *shedding happy fat loser asshole tears*
I’m so happy for Mary! She totally deserves it! Her soaps are glorious, everybody should have some of those. Buy them! NOW, go go go!!
August 2, 2011 at 10:39 am
My nieces and nephews are getting them for their birthdays. They are all under 11 and will stare at the soaps, stare at me, give me a faltering smile and move on to the next present. Then later after they have used them, they will say, “Aunt Sue always gives the best presents”. Thanks so much to Mary for offering such fun shit! I hope this gets her and her family back on their feet and on the right track.
August 1, 2011 at 8:19 pm
YESSSSSSSSS. *fistpump of victory* YAY MARY KEEPS THE HOUSE!
August 1, 2011 at 8:23 pm
Wait, no, that’s obviously wrong. I should instead be weeping bitter, salty tears into my snood (made from my own hair and decorated with repurposed owl-brooches from Target, and large enough to hide my triple chins), while wishing I had talent. Or a soul.
…did I get it right?
August 1, 2011 at 8:33 pm
Also: THIS. I love all the rest of you fat jealous losers that have money to help out AA right now, or crafting skills to do the same. I possess neither; just lots of love, empathy, and a minimal amount of snark (where prescribed).
August 1, 2011 at 8:20 pm
Well, I for one will never be able to show my face in public again, so riddled am I with self-loathing. I wish I’d never met any of you lard-ass incapable failures. <3
August 1, 2011 at 9:20 pm
What happens in Regretsy, stays in Regretsy.
August 1, 2011 at 9:30 pm
Oh, is that the rule? I was taking out billboards.
August 1, 2011 at 8:23 pm
You big, fat, untalented losers!!!!!! I am so proud of all of us ungreatful (intended misspelling) sons of bitches!!!!!
August 1, 2011 at 8:26 pm
Yay for fat, horny losers! (I think Mike has proven that we’ve been barking up the wrong sin.)
August 1, 2011 at 8:27 pm
Or the wrong ‘craft!’
August 1, 2011 at 8:27 pm
I love it! I was so happy that my painting sold during this run, and so happy that our fearless Captain is seeing brighter days because of the exemplary teamwork of all us FUJLCF4L-ers!
August 1, 2011 at 8:31 pm
This seems like a good time to let you all know that, unbeknownst to you fat, jealous losers, you made a 6 hour car ride, to say goodbye to my dying grandparent, bearable. And reading the comments aloud to my mom and sister seemed to make their six hours a little less sad as well. And now I have mike to look forward to, so there’s that.
August 1, 2011 at 8:33 pm
I have never loved being a fat, jealous loser more than I do today.
And, sincerely, my condolences to you and your family. I’m glad to know that perhaps in some way I contributed to cheering you a little. Even if I am a big fat jealous loser.
August 1, 2011 at 8:58 pm
I’m so sorry for your loss, big big hugs.
August 1, 2011 at 9:00 pm
My deepest condolences, Kahinton. Believe me, I get where you’re coming from. “Regretsy: Making life more bearable since 2009″. (Someone put that on a freaking you-know-what? If I do it again, I’ll go blind.) Enjoy the Mike.
August 2, 2011 at 12:06 am
I’m sorry for your loss and so glad Regretsy and its fat jealous losers were able to make the day a little more bearable.
August 2, 2011 at 4:11 am
So sorry to hear that, it’s such a hard thing to have to face.
August 1, 2011 at 8:32 pm
And the next time someone grouses about people dying from communism and other such bullshit, just point ‘em to this. This site may be snarky, but it’s snark with a heart.
August 1, 2011 at 8:34 pm
Best way to be, right?!?!
August 1, 2011 at 8:35 pm
Sneart?
That should have be Ma-Ti’s power.
August 1, 2011 at 8:32 pm
Well shit, I might never be able to sleep again.
It’s not easy being fat, jealous loser and a heartless bastard…but I’m so glad that I finally found my flock.
Mary, you’re good people. Just tell your husband now that you’re getting back on your feet to be really careful, k?
Snark & slobbery kisses to all.
August 1, 2011 at 8:35 pm
Yay!!!
August 1, 2011 at 8:36 pm
I’m all teary eyed. Being a fat jealous loser never felt so good.
August 1, 2011 at 8:36 pm
I can’t wait up for Club Fuckery tonight, but this made up for the political bullshit that’s been going on for the past few weeks, at least for now.
August 1, 2011 at 8:36 pm
This warms my cold, dead heart to the core.
Seriously, you guys rock for helping Mary and her husband get back on her feet. And how awesome that Katie’s mom has her loan paid off?
I feel like I’m developing hope in humanity!
August 1, 2011 at 8:39 pm
Goddamnit, I feel warm and toasty inside. FEELINGS
August 1, 2011 at 8:39 pm
This is so cool! I fucking love this community of fat jealous losers! I think we all deserve a round of applause:
August 1, 2011 at 8:40 pm
Uh oh. trying again:
August 1, 2011 at 9:18 pm
I covet his hat. COVET.
August 1, 2011 at 10:30 pm
WHERE DID HE GET THAT HAT?!
August 1, 2011 at 8:40 pm
I fucking love all of you! This is awesome!
August 1, 2011 at 8:42 pm
I’ve gotten fatter, uglier, and more jealous since 2009. Are we going to be helping the people dying of communism next month? Since I have nothing better to do!
August 1, 2011 at 8:45 pm
I love you guys, you are awesome, and I’m so happy for the recent recipients! I hope life starts looking up for them in the future, with all the good wishes being sent out.
If the government had this kind of spirit, they could agree on a budget solution already and quit squabbling to make sure everyone gets “their” fair share of accommodations!
August 1, 2011 at 8:46 pm
I am so proud of this community and so happy for Mary!
August 1, 2011 at 8:51 pm
Yaaaay! I helped break a record! It was my first time buying from the April’s Army store. I’m so happy I could help
August 1, 2011 at 8:57 pm
Me, too! Me, too! This month’s Regretsy broke my cherry!
August 1, 2011 at 8:58 pm
And that’s saying a lot for being a fat, untalented loser slag whore. WINNING!
August 1, 2011 at 8:55 pm
All you guys suck. Fat, jealous losers. Rot in hell.
I got something in my eye. ITS ALLERGIES, OKAY?!
Gawd. Jerks.
August 1, 2011 at 8:56 pm
Yay! Thanks for adding the seller link here. AA was closed (out for a drink?) but the seller was open! Another Christmas present down!
August 1, 2011 at 9:04 pm
I literally got teary-eyed when I was reading this- so sue me! I’m going through a rough time financially myself and just when I was lamenting the horribleness of the world, I see this and realize that even fat jealous losers have hearts.
… even if they are tiny, black, and frozen.
August 1, 2011 at 9:14 pm
My hope for humanity has been restored, if things like this can be done even by people with such hearts.
August 2, 2011 at 4:51 pm
My heart is so tiny and cold and hard that it turned into a teeny diamond. I use it’s sharp diamond corners to slice the joy out of people.
August 1, 2011 at 9:06 pm
This made me all warm and fuzzy inside. Although that might just be the vodka.
August 1, 2011 at 9:07 pm
I was all feeling sorry for myself the other night about how I felt I hadn’t done anything good for the world, but I guess we’re all pretty good people after all (don’t worry, I won’t let it get out).
I didn’t make anything to sell in the April’s Army shop this month, but instead I bought a really fantastic print by PrettyLittleZombies. Now I’m all inspired to make something for the August sale!!
I never thought I could do good and be the heartless bitch I really am at the same time. I love you guys!
Snif!
August 1, 2011 at 9:09 pm
Hell yeah! I’m pretty much at a loss for any words right now… Damn you people for making me cry! SEE!!! Y’all are all evil, being so fucking nice that you bring me to tears! I’m calling my layer!!! Crease and resist at OUNCE! I am so glad I could at least contribute a few dollars to the last two recipients. I’m proud to be amongst you folks, even if you are negative criticism slinging meanie heads that are so untwitter. Goatse.
August 1, 2011 at 9:15 pm
August 1, 2011 at 9:16 pm
Where’s the Mike post??? I want to go to bed but I need the material!
August 1, 2011 at 9:22 pm
Me too!
August 1, 2011 at 9:16 pm
Yeah yeah… but what have you done to help the people DYING OF COMMUNISM?!
August 1, 2011 at 9:27 pm
I really did tear up a little reading this!
August 1, 2011 at 9:38 pm
I love all you ugly bitches. Even if you do smell like booze.
August 1, 2011 at 9:41 pm
I’m so inspired! I want to buy more shit from AA!!! I can’t wait til next month!
August 1, 2011 at 9:41 pm
This makes my day, and it’s only 12:41am. I am fairly certain I will not hear anything more impressive for the remainder of the day.
August 1, 2011 at 10:00 pm
I bought some soap, so not only can I feel good, I can smell good.
August 1, 2011 at 10:03 pm
I’m not proud of myself for buying. I’m proud of the disturbed little freak in Milan, IL who made my fabulous felty voodoo doll complete with ripped-off neck including vertebrae and spinal column. Because SHE MADE IT FOR FREE. And it is glorious. I dunno if I should call her out by name or not, and I can’t remember her Regretsy name. But thank you.
And knowing that woman gets to keep her house is just the greatest thing ever.
August 1, 2011 at 10:07 pm
I feel too good right now. I’m going to have some stiff drinks and yell at the neighbor kids to counteract it.
August 1, 2011 at 10:13 pm
Damn all of you fat jealous losers, how dare you help another human being. What kind of people are you? I’m so glad that a friend posted something on Facebook that led me to this site, it never fails to amaze me.
August 1, 2011 at 10:17 pm
It’s so great be able to do actual good, and see the results. No anonymous pools of circulating funds, just all around awesomeness. Congrats everyone!
Please pass the tissues.
August 1, 2011 at 10:28 pm
This is just amazing, it makes me really glad I finally chose April’s Army as my street team to join.
I didn’t have time to donate anything last month, but I’m already at work on some Regretsy-exclusive fuckery for August.
I may be a fat, jealous loser that loves to mock shitty crafts, but I’m also amazed at the generosity of the lot of you!
August 2, 2011 at 5:58 am
well hot damn. I do volunteer work locally, but it just amazes me what people will do for someone in need who they don’t know. Love and mad props to everyone on Regretsy.
Lets keep taking care of what my people would call the “home folks”!!!
w00t.
August 2, 2011 at 6:36 am
I’m very proud to be a part of something so freakin’ wonderful!
August 2, 2011 at 8:09 am
I am so very pleased for Mary and her husband. Having lost my condo 3 years ago to foreclosure, I totally understand the feelings they have had to endure. I am glad they can breath freely, finally.
August 2, 2011 at 9:46 am
I am so happy you weren’t evicted, I watch how hard everyone works to get stuff to donate, and to know you made the April’s Army store a reality but you were having a hard time brought me to tears.
August 2, 2011 at 11:03 am
I am proud of every one of you bastards!
Fat, jealous, losers FTFW!
August 2, 2011 at 12:21 pm
I’m about to cry. I just realized that etsy/paypal keeps switching my default address to my old address in another state. And, in 6 months, they’ve refused to forward my mail at all. And I ordered two things last week. I kinda feel like a fat jealous looser atm.
August 3, 2011 at 3:59 am
Send the seller a message asap. There’s definitely a chance your order hasn’t been mailed yet, so you could still get it sent to the right address! This happened with a few of my buyers last month, and so far everyone has been able to give me their new address with plenty of time to spare. Good luck!
August 3, 2011 at 8:22 am
I did. The first package was definitely mailed. (From the last April’s Army.) They weren’t sure about the other one, but she contacted the sellers. I’ve also been calling the post office where I used to live. (Poor things have been trying off and on for several months to figure out why my mail just gets eaten and doesn’t forward. They’ve been nice but confused.
And I finally managed to successfully get all old addresses deleted from Etsy and PayPal. So hopefully it won’t happen again. I really feel like an idiot for not doing it before. It was just one of those things I kept forgetting to do. :/
August 2, 2011 at 3:48 pm
THIS JUST GOES TO SHOW WE MAY BE SNARKS BUT WE DO HAVE BIG HEARTS NEVER FORGET THAT!!!
August 2, 2011 at 4:15 pm
You fuckers are all right.
August 3, 2011 at 4:01 am
That’s unbelievable! You guys are just the most amazing group of people on the internet ever.
August 3, 2011 at 7:14 am
i’m very happy that i was able to contribute to July’s April’s Army Sale.
Giving feels much better than receiving!