Peace, love and anal glands

Last night, I got this tweet:

Right away, I started to feel a sense of foreboding. Not just because I knew I wouldn’t get credit, but because I would now have to watch some of The Tonight Show.

I admit, sourcing interent finds can be tricky, particularly when we’re talking about something posted on Craigslist. I didn’t write that ad and I didn’t find it. It was submitted to me by a woman in Dallas who found it while looking for furniture. All I did was optimize the images and edit the copy, because my readers tend to be drunk most of the time and I have to streamline things.

So who knows? Maybe one of his 4,000 writers dug it up on their own. Maybe they stole it off another site. Or maybe a viewer submitted it to the Tonight Show, though that seems unlikely since Jay doesn’t do comedy.

It’s hard to say exactly where someone finds something online, and it’s not like you can prove it.

Or can you?

Here’s Jay Leno, the world’s richest cinderblock, sitting in the seat he stole from Conan O’Brien. He’s holding a screencap of the Craigslist ad for the placenta stained mattress.

Let’s take a closer look, shall we?

Hmmm. Well, that yellow block looks like a distinguishing characteristic. I wonder if that will help us in our investigation?

Let’s compare it to the Screencap on Regretsy.

Now, I realize this is not the only site to run this ad, and it’s probably not even the first. But that’s my Photoshop, and this where Jay Leno’s staff found the image. And if you print out a screencap that someone has already edited and optimized for you, then tell people where you got it. Fucking hell, even I do that, and I’m an asshole.

If you don’t want to give credit, then go to the original source and edit it yourself. You have an art department. I have a Boston Terrier with gas.

Don’t waste your time sending me email about how butthurt and whiny I am. I can barely read.

From: Marie
Date: August 31, 2011 9:18:25 AM PDT
Subject: Hello and thank you from Joplin, MO
To: helen@regretsy.com

Hi Helen,

I’m an ICU trauma nurse in Joplin, MO. Before May 22nd, my favorite hobby was to come home after a stressful night of work, read your site, laugh until I snorted beer out of my nose, and go to sleep. Then on May 22nd, an F5 tornado hit Joplin and my hospital.

Thankfully since I work nights I was not there at the time; however I immediately rushed to the scene and was overwhelmed by what had happened. I had to walk 3 blocks to the hospital, around dead bodies and the dying.

I worked triage all night where the injured continued to come in like a zombie movie, and we had no pain medicine or supplies to help them. It was awful. I’ve had nightmares since that night; and a horrible sense of guilt that I wasn’t hurt, and constant anxiety. I didn’t know what to do.

Then one day, about a month later; I logged on to regretsy and saw a picture of a man squirting blue paint out of his anus. I laughed until I cried. And at that moment I knew, “Everything’s going to be ok. I’m going to be ok.” It was the first time I had laughed since the tornado, so then I cried some more. So thank you very much for your website and all you do, because it really helped me to get out of my post-tornado freak out.

I had one favor to ask, and if you can’t do anything about it, that’s ok. Here goes: The tornado took out a park next to the hospital called Cunningham Park. This park used to have a playground and a sweet pool with a slide, but it all was completely demolished. The park was so wiped out that it was the only place I could find to park my car in all the wreckage after the storm.

So Coca-Cola is having a contest on their website to give $100,000.00 to help rebuild a community park.

Right now Cunningham Park is in 3rd place; a little over 100,000 votes short from 2nd place. I don’t know what the circumstances are for the top 2 parks, but I’d bet they didn’t get taken out by an F5 tornado this year.

I was wondering if the regretsy community could help us get our park back. No one has to buy anything, just take a moment to go to the website and vote for Cunningham Park in Joplin, MO.

Joplin only has 2 other community pools, and there’s not a whole lot for families to do here. I mean, we do have the George Washington Carver museum, but you can only go to that about 15 times before you just want to stay home and eat JIF from the jar. Anyways, just wondering if people would go to livepositively.com and vote for us. Voting ends Sept 6th.

Thanks so much for having an awesome website and for all that you do,

-Marie, RN

Oh, I think the Regretsy Thug Nation can make this happen, don’t you?

Thanks, fuckers!

UPDATE: Anthony in our Facebook group has found this link, which is much faster. Thanks!