Crack Head (NSFW)
- Submitted by Steven
Sylvester Stallone cannot catch a Goddamn break.
As if his movie career and giant piñata head weren’t embarrassing enough, his mother is now offering to tell your fortune by looking at a picture of your ass.
Her web site, which looks like it won the 1992 Geocities Award, offers custom ass readings for the low, low price of SIX HUNDRED FUCKING DOLLARS.
Jacqueline Stallone, the foremost American rumpologist, has revived the ancient art of Rumpology.
Rumpology (or butt reading) is the art of reading the lines, crevices, dimples, and folds of the buttocks to divine the individual’s character and gain an understanding of what has occurred in the past.
Wait – what happened in the past? You mean she tells you shit that’s already happened? Hell, I can tell you that, and I don’t even have to look at your ass. Plus I only want $2.50, so it’s a really good deal.
“Jacqueline has discovered that the left and right cheeks reveal a person’s past and future, respectively. The right buttocks represents the left cerebral hemisphere of the brain, while the left buttocks represents the right hemisphere.”
And the asshole in the middle represents you, paying Sylvester Stallone’s mother $600 to look at your blowhole.
“Modern technology has helped bring Rumpology into the 21st century. Thanks to digital photography, you can take a very accurate picture of your rump, print it and and send it to Jacqueline. She will analyze the details of your rump, both left and right hemispheres as well as the gluteal cleft and send you a multi-page report.”
Isn’t modern technology exciting? She can even read a digital picture of your ass! Of course, you still have to print it out and mail it to her, but she’s on dial-up.
Do you think anyone on earth has ever taken a picture of their ass and sent it to this woman? I don’t think they have. I mean, she has some “examples” on her site, but she could have scanned them from old copies of Swank.
But let’s just give her the benefit of the doubt and say these are, in fact, her clients. Who are they? Well, I guess we’ll never know, since she’s so careful to hide their identities!
I’m just going to throw a few up here with my best guess, and you can tell me how close I am.
Queen Latifah
Yasmine Bleeth or Mayim Bialik
Richard Roundtree
Carly Fiorina
Let me know if I missed any of them.
July 20, 2011 at 7:44 pm
Looks legit.
July 20, 2011 at 7:48 pm
Nah. I can tell from my own ass that I eat too much McDonald’s, and I need to start tanning in the nude.
July 20, 2011 at 9:00 pm
Butt of course. She went to the “University of Astrology.” They would not allow her to make a false ass-ertion
July 20, 2011 at 9:08 pm
I think you meant the University of Ass-trology.
July 20, 2011 at 7:44 pm
I wonder if she can tell what came out of my ass yesterday?
July 20, 2011 at 7:45 pm
You might want to send it to her. Or put it on her doorstep and set it on fire.
July 20, 2011 at 7:48 pm
It’s poop, again! *stomp stomp*
July 20, 2011 at 8:25 pm
Don’t put it out with your boots, Ted!
July 20, 2011 at 8:39 pm
He called the shit poop!
July 20, 2011 at 9:41 pm
@sunflowers
Don’t tell me my business, devil woman!
July 20, 2011 at 7:45 pm
So since palm readers read the lines of your palm, does that mean a rumpologist reads the shit stains on your ass?
July 20, 2011 at 8:04 pm
i’m just amazed… she’s an astrologer/rumpologist… yet she never considered the title “asstrologer”
July 20, 2011 at 8:25 pm
I kind of love you right now for that.
July 20, 2011 at 7:45 pm
That fucking settles it. I need to lower my standards and quit my fucking day job.
July 20, 2011 at 8:47 pm
Perhaps you could become a ‘Scrotologist’ and read some hairy nutsacks for a quick buck.
July 20, 2011 at 8:58 pm
In the amazing novel that I will write one day, the heroine will be a retired Scrotologist, because that my friend is f-ing brilliant
July 21, 2011 at 1:38 am
i’ll read that!
July 20, 2011 at 10:10 pm
Reminds me of the day my sister comes home from work and – in a cutesy voice – says to her 12 month-old …
“Did you have a good day sweetie? Mommy did! She had fun scanning an old man’s scrotum!”
Poor thing is an ultrasound tech in a VA hospital.
July 21, 2011 at 1:14 am
That sounds like something I would say to my kids. If I had kids. It’s probably a good thing I don’t…
July 21, 2011 at 6:33 am
As a retired dermatologist, I gotta tell you that looking at scrotums isn’t something you’d wanna do all day — and the bucks aren’t that quick, either.
BTW, although I never heard of a “Scrotologist”, there are definitely “Vulvologists” who are usually derms or gyns.
August 20, 2011 at 3:24 am
To find the best Scrotologist look for his scrotum pole
July 20, 2011 at 7:46 pm
I think the “Jewish Princess” is the “‘Eat Kale’ Hippie.”
July 20, 2011 at 7:48 pm
Too tan. “‘Eat Kale’Hippie” was anemic looking. Still, you have the figure just about dead on.
July 20, 2011 at 7:50 pm
I don’t know…her crack looks pretty anemic to me…
July 20, 2011 at 7:55 pm
I just snorted cider at my cat. Thanks.
(yes, I’m sitting here drinking with my cat.)
July 20, 2011 at 8:34 pm
@Glittstapo, I got drunk with one of my cats once. Ended up with the most fucked up litter of kittens you ever saw. Drink responsibly.
July 20, 2011 at 8:42 pm
@Glittstapo
Its s’okay. I’m eating a ham sandwich while reading about ass marks.
July 20, 2011 at 9:01 pm
@FitToDerp:
That’s wonderfully appropriate!
July 20, 2011 at 9:40 pm
@carter west
it’s fine, we got his balls chopped off yesterday, no fucked up kittens for me! he still has the dumb cone on his head. he’s currently batting it at the keyboard to punish it for stealing attention from me.
July 21, 2011 at 4:49 am
http://www.theonion.com/articles/i-think-im-going-about-this-catbreeding-thing-all,10891/
July 20, 2011 at 8:52 pm
I’ts shimy, I think it is Barbie.
July 20, 2011 at 8:59 pm
Chicks who don’t bathe have way more assne than that.
July 20, 2011 at 7:47 pm
I did not imagine having to look at asses when I saw the NSFW disclaimer. Shit.
July 20, 2011 at 8:53 pm
NSFW my ass. I was not only looking at but talking with, asses all day at work. A few quite ones are apprecitated.
July 21, 2011 at 1:17 am
I’d be a lot happier if one of them belonged to a certain lickable towel-clad man-god.
July 20, 2011 at 7:47 pm
This just might be the most brilliant money-making idea i’ve ever heard. More power to Mama Sly if she can get just one schmuck to give her money for this shit!
July 20, 2011 at 9:47 pm
Ok, which one of us is going to pony up $600, and have her read Goatse guy’s fortune?
July 20, 2011 at 9:51 pm
Crap, monkeybird, in a comment below, has an even better idea. Let’s start a collection!
July 21, 2011 at 6:14 am
or the guy who shoots paint out of his ass?
July 20, 2011 at 7:48 pm
I was thinking about something last night… what do fancy/classy people call an asscrack? There really is no euphemism for it, is there?
July 20, 2011 at 7:52 pm
bum cleavage?
July 20, 2011 at 7:53 pm
It’s the international date line dah-ling.
July 20, 2011 at 7:54 pm
Keister Cleft? Rear Ravine? Fanny Fissure? Rump Rift? Derriere Divide?
July 20, 2011 at 7:54 pm
Gluteal cleft. Say it slowly, with meaning.
July 20, 2011 at 7:55 pm
Officially we’ll use “gluteal fold” or “gluteal cleft” in documentation. Not that nurses try to be classy or anything. I’ve charted “pudding consistency stools” before.
July 20, 2011 at 8:03 pm
Jell-O Brand pudding or store brand?
July 20, 2011 at 9:10 pm
It *does* make a difference, Sunbird realizes with startling clarity.
July 21, 2011 at 4:19 am
Hate to say it, but my favorite brand, “Kozy Shack”.
July 21, 2011 at 7:24 am
their Rice Pudding is the bomb
July 20, 2011 at 9:35 pm
Nurses have the best poop stories.
November 15, 2011 at 6:45 pm
They know their shit.
July 20, 2011 at 9:24 pm
crevasse
July 20, 2011 at 7:48 pm
Carly’s looking better every day! You go girl!
July 20, 2011 at 7:58 pm
… and to think that .. before her dementia became apparent, I wanted to be Carley’s pool boy. Even had a picture of her hanging in my cube.
Well, there’s always Sarah… oh, my. Never mind, things are not looking good for this star-intercourser wannabe
July 20, 2011 at 7:48 pm
I’ll never hear “Eye of the Tiger” quite the same way ever again.
July 20, 2011 at 7:49 pm
Oh, and the fourth one is actually Ed Asner. Don’t ask.
July 20, 2011 at 7:48 pm
Ok I stare at asses all day long and I have to say, if I could divine the past, present, or future that would be a boon, because most of the time I’m just like… … … and man, I do love a nice ass…
July 20, 2011 at 7:49 pm
Oh, you can tell my past by looking at my ass all right:
“I see that in the recent times you have spent many hours sitting on this while eating cheez-its while reading socially-irresponsible blogs. I see this in your future as well.”
July 20, 2011 at 8:36 pm
Wow, my rumpologist (i.e. the voice in my head) told me the same thing!
July 20, 2011 at 7:49 pm
I know we all have better things to do with our time and money, but I kind of want to see what one of her readings looks like.
July 20, 2011 at 8:07 pm
I definitely think this is worth investigating further. I vote for a Regretsy-sponsored reading on Towel Mike’s ass. Helen could post the results and the original photo, you know, so we can understand what she’s referring to.
July 20, 2011 at 8:11 pm
Seconded. Him or Chester. Either one.
July 20, 2011 at 8:12 pm
I, too, am intensely interested in the story of Towel Mike’s ass. I would carefully read his story as it unfolds. In braille, preferably.
July 20, 2011 at 8:13 pm
I will contribute money to this.
July 20, 2011 at 8:37 pm
In the name of science, right Verruca?
July 21, 2011 at 10:16 am
I’m totally behind this. Helen — can you set up a PayPal account for “Towel Mike’s Rump Reading” where we can donate money? I’m good for $2.00 to start — at that all we need is 300 people and we’ve got a reading.
July 20, 2011 at 7:49 pm
I definitely think you’re on the button with the Carly ID.
July 20, 2011 at 7:49 pm
I literally laughed out loud about Carly Fiorina! Spot on!
July 20, 2011 at 7:49 pm
If I had $600.00 and a giant goaste picture…
“Look into my anus….”
July 20, 2011 at 7:50 pm
I was literally just about to post that. I can tell the history of that man’s asshole and I’m no rumpologist.
July 20, 2011 at 7:50 pm
I hope she can adjust the size of the smell.
July 20, 2011 at 7:51 pm
Speaking of asses (and really, when are we not?), I managed to pull a glute the other day and am now experiencing actual, physical, butthurt. I would flounce somewhere, but sitting is a lot more comfortable.
July 20, 2011 at 9:03 pm
I feel your pain, I screwed up my Sciatic nerve a few weeks ago. Not only is half of my right foot totally numb, I can’t carry my wallet in my back pocket because sitting on it causes major butthurt. I could move it to the left pocket but I never learned how to operate a wallet left handed.
July 20, 2011 at 9:07 pm
Ouch. I can sympathize, as I have done that, myself. I hope your butt feels better soon.
July 20, 2011 at 9:40 pm
So goatse is right out of the question.
July 20, 2011 at 7:51 pm
Asinine…..
July 20, 2011 at 7:52 pm
I think this unemployed gay man just got himself a new gig. I get paid $600 per client to stare at what I stare at anyway? What a fantastic idea!! Asstastic even.
July 20, 2011 at 7:53 pm
I can almost top that. “Ulf Buck” in Germany is a BLIND ass reader. I can’t make this shit up (no pun intended). But since Rambo is not his off-spring, Jacqueline is still in the lead.
July 20, 2011 at 7:57 pm
Now that’s the blind leading the blind.
July 20, 2011 at 8:11 pm
no, i’m pretty sure it’s just the blind groping people’s asses for money
July 20, 2011 at 8:12 pm
I guess you don’t really need sight if you’re going where the sun doesn’t shine.
July 20, 2011 at 9:02 pm
Uncle Buck is Stallone’s mom?!
July 21, 2011 at 9:10 am
I love the super-serious expression on his face. I think he’s thinking about zydeco.
July 21, 2011 at 10:16 am
and potato salad
September 28, 2011 at 8:55 pm
Oh hell yeah. Who else wants their asses touched by the old blind guy?!
(I bet he charges less too)
Still, I’d like to go see Jackie personally! That way when I’m showing off to my one night stand, I can tell him “Jacqueline Stallone put her hand RIGHT HERE!”
“I have noticed in my years of rumpology reading that it often has characteristics of personality. Many bankers cleft’s are very short; while lawyers are very long. It can also vary in width — with politician’s seemingly extra wide and cop’s notoriously narrow. Have you had a look in the mirror recently at yours?”
And why doesn’t it surprise me that politician’s are extra wide? Their heads are always in their asses.
July 20, 2011 at 7:53 pm
Frankly, I don’t believe a word of it unless I see some real asses. Those female asses look like plastic and the male asses don’t reflect the severe obesity epidemic in this county.
That said, does she charge more for reading an obese ass? What about a morbidly obese ass? That’s like reading War and Peace, ass-wise.
July 20, 2011 at 8:10 pm
A morbidly obese ass, at the distance these photos were taken from, would just be some random crease lines and ripples.
“professional twinkie taste-tester”
July 20, 2011 at 10:08 pm
LMFAO. I almost choked on some popcorn.
July 20, 2011 at 7:53 pm
The last Rumpologist I went to didn’t include the gluteal cleft. What a fuckin disappointment.
July 20, 2011 at 7:54 pm
600 bux. she can blow it out of her ass! For 600 I better be getting a pair of golden skants.
July 20, 2011 at 7:54 pm
Oh wait…almost forgot…
*necessitated Goatse joke*
July 20, 2011 at 7:54 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
July 20, 2011 at 7:56 pm
I wonder what Edgar Cayce REALLY told her! (Reading her bio.)
July 20, 2011 at 8:15 pm
“Ass and you shall receive.”
July 20, 2011 at 7:56 pm
The second picture looks a lot like Paris Hilton absence of ass.
July 20, 2011 at 7:56 pm
“Based on your sending me a picture of your ass, and giving me $600, I can tell that you didn’t get your ass kicked enough in the past.”
July 20, 2011 at 7:57 pm
Your past: You sat on a wicker chair.
Your future: A trip to the proctologist to remove a hemorrhoid.
July 20, 2011 at 7:58 pm
All hail the great Cornholio!
July 20, 2011 at 7:59 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
July 20, 2011 at 8:05 pm
Are you actually CORRECTING me about Carly Fiorina? Seriously?
IS THIS THE HILL YOU WANT TO DIE ON
July 20, 2011 at 8:08 pm
Maybe it’s an old picture and she was a CEO at the time.
In the interview I saw she was given some photocopies of asses to read. It was great television.
July 20, 2011 at 8:14 pm
Well, it could be Meg Whitman.
July 20, 2011 at 10:51 pm
Well it would have to be an older picture of her, at any rate. The chemo made all her ass hair fall out.
What.
July 20, 2011 at 8:16 pm
This must be the same person who called out the Daniel Radcliffe picture as shopped.
July 20, 2011 at 8:32 pm
This one? http://www.omgsocialclub.com/video/more-daniel-radcliffe
September 28, 2011 at 9:06 pm
Wow! It’s even bigger than I thought it would be!
Still though, I’ve gotta give the guy props. He DID stand in front of a big audience naked and still managed to be a great actor!
July 20, 2011 at 7:59 pm
THAT IS THE HOTTEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN EVER
Also, let me go on record saying this is the best day in Regretsy history! I mean, child porn, asses, AND we ruined someones life? That’s fucking awesome! It even made me break a 10 month lurking streak. :c
July 21, 2011 at 9:12 am
We didn’t ruin her life! She was better off without him!
All right, two out of three.
July 21, 2011 at 11:13 am
But we ruined the man’s life, right? “D
I hope so.
July 20, 2011 at 7:59 pm
I bought a trashy women’s magazine a while ago, here in the UK, and they had a “rumpologist” and you could send in a (clothed) photo of your arse and she would “read” it. They printed the photo. And the full name and age of the idiot who sent it in.
I don’t remember which fine publication I found this in, but I don’t have anything better to do than go to newsagents and look through magazines until I find this feature again and send it to April. It’s not Sylvester Stallone’s plastic mother, true, but it’s a damnsite cheaper.
July 20, 2011 at 8:01 pm
“Jewish Princess” has been photoshopped so much it’s no longer an ass – it’s a one inch patch of perfect skin clone-brushed into an ass shaped mold.
July 20, 2011 at 8:20 pm
Either that or Jewish princesses have roughly hexagonal patterns of alternating tone on their posterior epidermis.
July 20, 2011 at 8:48 pm
That’s what I heard, actually.
July 21, 2011 at 4:07 pm
If she tells your future with a photoshopped ass picture…who’s future is she telling?
July 20, 2011 at 8:01 pm
Oh, Regretsy! All of my personal problems just flew away. It definitely was a good idea to check out what’s happening here.
July 20, 2011 at 9:12 pm
Same here! I’m simultaneously looking for a job, a car, and an apartment, but Regretsy makes my night bearable!
July 20, 2011 at 8:02 pm
She claims to be the Dean of the University of Astrology. (Asstrology?). I’m so sorry I didn’t graduate from there; imagine having that on your resume.
July 20, 2011 at 8:02 pm
Send her a copy of this fine publication, and it should keep her busy for the next decade.
http://www.buttmagazine.com/
July 21, 2011 at 1:36 am
“Send pics of your macrame slings, penis pottery or what have you”. Lots of pics of asses, & some cocks here & there…if it wasnt for the lack of vulvas, it would make a Regretsian feel right at home. Awesome.
July 20, 2011 at 8:04 pm
I think we might have crashed her site.
July 20, 2011 at 8:06 pm
It’s still there. Maybe you just don’t have the 1986 Twinkly Star plug-in.
July 20, 2011 at 8:08 pm
That’s why you need to be using Netscape 2.0 which is free with your AOL floppy disk.
July 20, 2011 at 8:16 pm
Got it! I’m going for a degree from the University of Astrology. Doctor of Star-Fuckery.
July 20, 2011 at 8:44 pm
Sorry, they only offer a B.S.
July 20, 2011 at 10:18 pm
Drop the $99 for the complete set. You get ALL the videos listed PLUS…wait for it!…
BONUS Rx Discount Card!!!!
July 20, 2011 at 8:14 pm
oh no, i’ve been happily signing away at the guestbook for quite some time now
July 20, 2011 at 8:05 pm
Apparently she’s opened a storefront:
July 20, 2011 at 11:22 pm
Thank you so very much for the seizure. Jesus.
July 20, 2011 at 8:05 pm
I’d love to use this rumpology service, but I laughed my ass off reading Regretsy.
July 20, 2011 at 9:14 pm
We should totally market this as our fail safe weight loss plan. “Stop putting food in your mouth, and read Regretsy every day!”
July 20, 2011 at 9:45 pm
… But I like putting food in my mouth.
July 20, 2011 at 8:06 pm
I see a lot of potential for new butt-hurt jpgs…
July 20, 2011 at 8:10 pm
Ah, I remember she was hawking this on the Howard Stern Show many years ago.
Sly must be so proud.
July 21, 2011 at 1:42 am
According to her site, he is. She quotes him as saying “Without question, her greatest talent is her ability to foresee the future.” if she can do that, couldn’t she have advised him not to make, say, Rhinestone, Stop or my Mom Will Shoot, etc.?
July 20, 2011 at 8:14 pm
I’m not paying Rocky’s mom $600 so I can moon her. If I want to moon an 90 year old woman there’s a nursing home down the road.
July 20, 2011 at 8:14 pm
If anyone can find this posted somewhere, it’s totally worth a search – I’ve been unlucky so far. Ms. Stallone reading ass on Graham Norton’s show!
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0703584/
July 20, 2011 at 8:15 pm
Am I the only one amused by the photoshopped ass tatts on her website examples?
As for the last one in the Regretsy example, that would be my man having a bad… hair day.
July 20, 2011 at 8:16 pm
My personal favorite example is the “male gold digger” butt with the obviously photoshopped dollar sign tattoo. She has so much credibility, why would she ruin it with fake pictures?
July 20, 2011 at 8:17 pm
Anyone else thinking that she has an ass fetish? The “readings” are a front for adding pictures to her wank bank.
July 20, 2011 at 8:18 pm
I paid my 2.50 but don’t want to send any photos of my ass. Now what?
July 20, 2011 at 8:23 pm
Send a picture of someone else’s ass. The internet is rife with them.
July 20, 2011 at 8:25 pm
And before anyone asks, yes I am betting the resulting reading will be the same regardless of whose ass they’re looking at.
July 20, 2011 at 8:18 pm
Isn’t Sly Stallone something like 65 years old? Wouldn’t that put his mom somewhere near 85? The woman in that first pic looks awfully well-preserved to be his mother. I’m just sayin’…
July 20, 2011 at 8:23 pm
90…born in 1921 and that picture isn’t as well preserved as it is far away and well-photoshopped
July 20, 2011 at 11:27 pm
I really, really hope that when I’m 90 and my son has made a bizillion dollars in action movies that I’m not going to have to sit around looking at sad ass pictures to put food on my table. Do astrologers not pay into Social Security?
July 20, 2011 at 8:20 pm
July 20, 2011 at 8:49 pm
Well now you’re just telling the present. What’s the point of that?
July 20, 2011 at 9:26 pm
Thanks, you just saved me $600!
July 20, 2011 at 8:20 pm
And she’ll read your butt tattoos and tramp stamps for an extra $50.00.
July 20, 2011 at 8:22 pm
I can see the past, present and future!
July 20, 2011 at 9:08 pm
I swear on all that is holy, the first time I saw this pic, I would have bet you MONEY (maybe even $600) that it was my dad. Except that he’s never been to the shore in his skivvies.
July 20, 2011 at 10:37 pm
You know, it would almost be less offensive if he were simply naked. The diaper-sag is what brings it into horrorville.
July 21, 2011 at 12:21 am
Is Grand-dad packing a deuce in those tighty-whiteys or is that a trick of the light?
September 28, 2011 at 9:12 pm
Someone should send this shit into good ol’ Jackie!
July 20, 2011 at 8:22 pm
oh thank god for modern technology – cuz this shit is not working:
July 20, 2011 at 8:24 pm
“Rumpology is sometimes called butt reading in modern parlance.”
In MY parlance it’s called fucking stupid.
September 28, 2011 at 9:13 pm
Really? In mine it’s called ‘butt fuckery’
July 20, 2011 at 8:28 pm
I’d send her a pic of my ass, but I don’t have a wide angle lens.
July 20, 2011 at 8:28 pm
I haven’t found it yet, but I’m sure there must be a Jesus or Mary portrait in the CEO’s picture somewhere! I can almost make out Daniel Boon in his coon skin hat in the first one…upper right cheek…
September 28, 2011 at 9:14 pm
I can’t stare at it long enough. My eyes start to water. 3: More power to you, though!
July 20, 2011 at 8:28 pm
I think ass #2 is actually Michael Jackson’s. Or so my nephew tells me.
July 20, 2011 at 8:34 pm
Oh she’ll tell you shit alright.
July 20, 2011 at 8:36 pm
Who knew you could go downhill from GLOW?
(For the record, I was a fan of GLOW when it was on late late night TV during my teenage years.)
July 20, 2011 at 9:28 pm
The only thing I remember about GLOW was a girl called Stinky who’s submission move was to hold her opponent’s face on her armpit.
Quality television, I tell ya.
July 20, 2011 at 8:37 pm
ROTFLMFAO!!!!!!!!! 1992 Geocities Award…BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.!!!
I would send a picture of my ass off to her, but I laughed it right off..
July 20, 2011 at 8:49 pm
Well I imagine getting a picture would be much easier that way.
July 20, 2011 at 8:39 pm
Dear please don’t let this be a hacker job. And if it is, please don’t let them take credit for this for at least a week.
Also, if this is a hacker job, please do this again. And again. And again. Let the meme of rumpology spread (pun intended) throughout the
interwebs.Amendz.
Kat Fud
July 21, 2011 at 12:17 am
It must be true. I believe everything I see on Graham Norton.
July 20, 2011 at 8:40 pm
IIRC, back when Sylvester first hit it big with the Rocky movies, she all of a sudden appeared out of the bushes claiming to be gifted with psychic powers. I think she even had her own psychic hotline for a while, back when every has-been and wanna-be star had them.
Obviously, she’s moved on to bigger (and more expensive) things.
July 20, 2011 at 9:29 pm
Yup, she had her own psychic hotline, and that wasn’t too long ago.
July 20, 2011 at 8:44 pm
so. so. so. so needed this tonight.
July 20, 2011 at 8:44 pm
Stallone’s mother is getting back at him for that porno he made in the 70′s. (probably before Machine Gun Joe Vitturbo)
Which he managed to grab enough rights to to re-edit and re-title in the 80′s, “The Italian Stallion” and yes, I watched it. He edited out all of his cock shots which was terribly disappointing.
July 20, 2011 at 8:48 pm
I just paid $2.50 before reading the entire post. I got too excited seeing all the bare ass pics. It was well worth it!
July 20, 2011 at 8:49 pm
I am pretty sure the last picture is my dad’s ass though
July 20, 2011 at 8:51 pm
We gon read yer butt now, k?
July 20, 2011 at 8:53 pm
July 20, 2011 at 9:02 pm
Please help me, which of those is the ass?
July 20, 2011 at 9:03 pm
I was going to say the scary one but….
July 20, 2011 at 9:02 pm
That is a class ass. The butt isnt bad either
July 20, 2011 at 8:57 pm
If your Regretsy Tarot Deck doesn’t have a card equivalent to “The Moon” card, I think you’ve struck gold. LOL.
July 20, 2011 at 9:01 pm
Sweet Jesus, I love her photo gallery. It’s like a game!
Can you spot:
1. A Dead Sagittarian
2. A fool-pitier
3. Psychic Dogs
4. Enrique’s dad
5. The re-animated corpse of Bette Davis
6. The Wrong Bush
7. Worst bubble bath ever.
The most whimsicle of all possible fuckery.
July 20, 2011 at 9:07 pm
This afternoon my mother told me to stay off “weird sites” when I’m at their house, because they’ve been having virus problems. And also, “Cussing and joking about lady parts is not a good thing to be putting in your mind.”
God, I hope I remember to close this window.
July 20, 2011 at 11:51 pm
Etsy users consistently claim that Regretsy gives people viruses! OH
NOESNO.Also, I dont really know much better things to put in your mind than joking about lady parts, really.
July 21, 2011 at 12:32 am
It’s no virus, our fat jealous loser ways are congenital.
July 20, 2011 at 9:07 pm
So we are going to chip in to raise the $600 and send her a picture of Goatse, right?
July 21, 2011 at 1:47 am
YES
July 20, 2011 at 9:11 pm
Things I’d rather spend $600 on:
A lifetime supply of plastic banana guards
A one-way flight to Canada
A book full of Chuck Norris quotes
A down payment on this:
July 20, 2011 at 9:16 pm
actually I thought for a sec that was Jackie…
it isn’t…is it?
July 20, 2011 at 9:18 pm
Is anyone else a little squicked by the possibility that “A Male Action Hero Movie Star” ass is her son’s? Because I can totally see that being Sly’s rear view…
July 20, 2011 at 9:43 pm
I refuse to believe that is Queen Latifah’s ass.
also, one day, me and this man are going to have to throw down
http://www.theonion.com/articles/king-latifah-returns-for-wife,9148/
July 20, 2011 at 9:48 pm
Has anyone ever seen Where Are They Now with SNL’s Hanz and Franz where one of them worked at a carnival reading asses?
July 20, 2011 at 9:56 pm
I thought The Fabulous Moolah died.
July 21, 2011 at 8:50 am
I seriously though this was a photoshop of Carrot Top. WOW!
July 21, 2011 at 1:56 pm
I thought the domain name that got cut off was “Jacqueline’s Tail On…” something.
July 20, 2011 at 10:14 pm
Wow, it really all comes back to Goatse, doesn’t it?
July 20, 2011 at 10:26 pm
If this wasn’t bad enough, Sylvester’s brother Frank Stallone is playing the Starlight Bowl in Burbank this summer – I think he’s opening for Eddie Money. When friends asked if I was going (because most of Starlight’s show’s are pretty cool), I said, “Are you serious? I have no desire to see Frank Stallone.” I may have to reconsider – his mom might be there to see him play and I could save myself some time by not having to photograph my ass for her. She can see it in person and tell me that I wasted money the day before by buying a ticket to this fucking show.
July 20, 2011 at 10:29 pm
Oh my God, I haven’t seen a website this hideous in a LONG time! I explained it aloud to my sister while she’s busy coding and then I discovered that NoScript was hiding the magnificent mp3 background music from me. “RumpologyMusic.mp3″ is particularly spellbinding. “I feel like I should be watching Masterpiece Theatre!” said my sister. I admit, I wasn’t expecting anything so Baroque.
July 20, 2011 at 10:40 pm
That woman is batshit crazy. I had to work with her once, and it was a nightmare.
July 21, 2011 at 6:46 am
Details, plz.
July 20, 2011 at 11:30 pm
“I have been asked many times about the gluteal cleft. It is more than an advertising sign for plumbers, teens, and non-conformists. IT HAS REAL SIGNIFICANCE. It is a natural part of the human body and of vital importance.
She knows as well as the rest of us, shit’s gotta come out of somewhere.
July 20, 2011 at 11:47 pm
You know, if this wasnt SIX HUNDRED DOLLAHS, I would consider doing this. Maybe for….15….20 at the MAX and thats pushing it, I would do this. Just for the lulz.
I love how wikipedia says that “The American astrologer Jackie Stallone claims that rumpology is known to have been practiced in ancient times by the Babylonians, the Indians, and the Ancient Greeks and Romans[2], although she provides no evidence for this claim.”
so you know that basically, she got really drunk one day and said to herself
“I wonder if people would be stupid enough to pay money for me to look at their butts. I bet they would buy some story about ancient civilizations that Ill pull out my own ass!”
July 20, 2011 at 11:50 pm
What’s sad are the people institutionalized for expressing less questionable beliefs, like CIA monitoring of brainwaves, or alien abduction. What separates Sly’s mom from those unfortunates is that she charges $600 a pop for her delusions.
She has the good sense to profit from her given mental illness.
July 21, 2011 at 12:10 am
This post coming right after the Butthurt post has me cackling with glee.
July 21, 2011 at 12:24 am
Sure that’s not CRACKling? There’s nothing better than a good ass day!
July 21, 2011 at 3:36 am
I had to share JS’s website link on my Facebook. I haven’t had nearly enough butt-related news to post there lately. Thank you, HK!
July 21, 2011 at 5:13 am
just peachy… lol. Rambo’s Momma. lol infinity
July 21, 2011 at 6:37 am
…butt…butt…butt……
July 21, 2011 at 6:45 am
That’s it, I’m quitting my day job and setting up shop as the Great Madame Wilhemina, snake charmer and reader of the almighty (and not so much) schlong! For $1000 I will tell you what you did this morning by reading every line and vein in your penis. For an extra hundred I’ll even place your nutsack on a scale and tell you what you did in a past life!
July 21, 2011 at 6:55 am
I was reading her biography and I love that her tv show was called G.L.O.W. and they said it stands for Gorgeous Girls of Wrestling…haha!
July 21, 2011 at 10:42 am
in the mid-nineties, GLOW was an answer to a question in an Academic Challenge meet. I was the only damn girl in the room, and of course, the only one who knew the answer. I never, ever lived that down!
July 21, 2011 at 6:57 am
At first glimpse, I thought this was another picture of the Governator’s mistress.
July 21, 2011 at 9:42 am
I don’t know what disturbs me more, the fact that no one has asked how it’s possible to take a clear picture of one’s own ass to send to this woman or the fact that I even have to ask the question?
July 21, 2011 at 10:40 am
“I read big butts and I can not lie,
not after givin’ birth to Sly,
see them curves and think
got no need to head shrink
just back that ass up and say hi!”
Ok, I’ve got to work on my limerick skills if I plan to stop lurking.
But as I am going through a really really bad bout of vertigo and laughter is the only palliative, THANK YOU!
July 21, 2011 at 12:01 pm
Wow. From her “University of Astrology” page:
“Hello and Welcome to the University of Astrology. I’m the Dean of the University for a number of reasons. I may be the oldest licensed astrologer alive.”
Um, if that’s the case, then who licensed her? Jesus? Buddha? The Oracle of the Great Flying Spaghetti Monster of Geminon? My ass? Because if it’s the last one, my ass revoked her licensure back in ’78 and gave it to Dionne Warwick instead.
July 21, 2011 at 12:07 pm
She’s obviously a sane and well put together individual.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DDA8VfsNCyI
July 21, 2011 at 12:31 pm
Well, I have to give her props for finding a way to get PAID to be shit-faced.
July 21, 2011 at 1:08 pm
And that ass was?
You guess it, Frank Stallone.
July 21, 2011 at 2:31 pm
A little late in responding, but one of my biggest regrets in life is accidentally deleting all of those pictures of my boyfriend traipsing around in a makeshift thong. For a while I threatened to show the world these if he didn’t do my bidding, but now I wish I had them so I could get a rump reading by Stallones mother.
Sigh, what could have been.
July 21, 2011 at 5:10 pm
And the asshole in the middle represents you
http://s41.photobucket.com/albums/e293/WwHalowW/regretsy%20photos/
July 21, 2011 at 5:44 pm
sorry, broken link. here’s the image. it’s the first thing that came to mind when i read “And the asshole in the middle represents you”
July 22, 2011 at 11:41 am
In “Chicken Soup for the Butt,” Beavis and Butt-Head had a whole list of “readings” that included back readings, boob readings (“it’s hard to get a good boob reading, so keep trying”) and yes, ass readings. Looks like Madame Blavatsky took their advice….
July 22, 2011 at 3:13 pm
Jacqueline, hell. That’s Sly himself in drag.
July 23, 2011 at 12:29 am
If the buttocks represent the brain, I, along with my lab mates, should quit the lab and start offering neurological diagnoses for half the price of an MRI scan on Etsy. Profit!
July 23, 2011 at 2:53 pm
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August 19, 2011 at 12:57 pm
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August 27, 2011 at 10:10 pm
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November 14, 2011 at 4:00 pm
It must be impossible to watch porn with her.
November 15, 2011 at 8:16 am
If you look at the ass she put up on her sites homepage you can easily see it’s a mirror image of a cheek, both cheeks are identical. lol She can’t even get THAT right.
November 15, 2011 at 9:47 am
Oh. My. God.
Did any of you check out the link recently?
There is a very supportive comment (complete with implied threats and spelling mistakes), posted by none other than “CF4L”
Whoever did that, you made my day
November 15, 2011 at 11:14 am
doh! I had both windows open, commented on the wrong one.
*blush*