Crack Head (NSFW)
- Submitted by Steven
Sylvester Stallone cannot catch a Goddamn break.
As if his movie career and giant piñata head weren’t embarrassing enough, his mother is now offering to tell your fortune by looking at a picture of your ass.
Her web site, which looks like it won the 1992 Geocities Award, offers custom ass readings for the low, low price of SIX HUNDRED FUCKING DOLLARS.
Jacqueline Stallone, the foremost American rumpologist, has revived the ancient art of Rumpology.
Rumpology (or butt reading) is the art of reading the lines, crevices, dimples, and folds of the buttocks to divine the individual’s character and gain an understanding of what has occurred in the past.
Wait – what happened in the past? You mean she tells you shit that’s already happened? Hell, I can tell you that, and I don’t even have to look at your ass. Plus I only want $2.50, so it’s a really good deal.
“Jacqueline has discovered that the left and right cheeks reveal a person’s past and future, respectively. The right buttocks represents the left cerebral hemisphere of the brain, while the left buttocks represents the right hemisphere.”
And the asshole in the middle represents you, paying Sylvester Stallone’s mother $600 to look at your blowhole.
“Modern technology has helped bring Rumpology into the 21st century. Thanks to digital photography, you can take a very accurate picture of your rump, print it and and send it to Jacqueline. She will analyze the details of your rump, both left and right hemispheres as well as the gluteal cleft and send you a multi-page report.”
Isn’t modern technology exciting? She can even read a digital picture of your ass! Of course, you still have to print it out and mail it to her, but she’s on dial-up.
Do you think anyone on earth has ever taken a picture of their ass and sent it to this woman? I don’t think they have. I mean, she has some “examples” on her site, but she could have scanned them from old copies of Swank.
But let’s just give her the benefit of the doubt and say these are, in fact, her clients. Who are they? Well, I guess we’ll never know, since she’s so careful to hide their identities!
I’m just going to throw a few up here with my best guess, and you can tell me how close I am.
Yasmine Bleeth or Mayim Bialik
Let me know if I missed any of them.