Oh, I have an idea for the next big thing! Whatever your craft is, make it with interchangeable genitals. Now that shit is patented and copyrighted and trademarked to me, all you fat, lazy, loser bitches!!!
We had patient care mannikins in nursing school with interchangeable genitals. So sometimes you’d lift up the bed sheet and found Uncle Paul, other times you got Aunt Paul.
art drawing mature hairy shaft mustache vest monacle man parts dickery offensive male balls testicles black and white head happy sexy risque weirdness strange cartoony one eyed willy dark regions
My dad says EarthFirst! used to wholesale bumper stickers that said “If your pecker was a small as mine you’d drive a truck like this, too.” If only a similar slogan could be silk screened across that apron front.
Now, when I’d ask about the apron being reversible, I’d actual envisioned the actual apron shown, as I thought it would be very useful in food prep to wear it inside out while whipping, basting, moistening, skewering, drizzling, creaming, kneading, rubbing, beating, grinding those hot dogs….
Yes, this was also annoying me. I think it’s another example of ‘hand assembled’ but it’s just…well, even more tacky looking. And considering that apron was ugly to start with, that’s saying something.
Nothing says “family time” like Grandpa showing the kids the “surprise” under his apron. I’m pretty sure that Grandpa won’t be allowed to pass out candy this Halloween once word gets around.
I think that these “crafters” need to spend a little less time on genitalia crafts, and a little more time actually getting laid. Although I suppose if they could do that, they wouldn’t need to make dick aprons.
I saw one of these before etsy existed so I think this might be not handmade at all. I was trying to find some proof of the previous statement but all I can tell you guys now is that it is a very bad idea to google “penis apron”.
Well you don’t want to make it TOO oversized. You know how it is on the 4th-Grandpa grillin’, Grandma and mom talking about knitting, the kids running around, and then someone gets to close to Grandpa at the grill and ends up getting their eye poked out.
So I read this and starting visualizing and thinking, “Sure, it should come in shades of brown, some pinks. . .” It wasn’t until I saw Bronc’s link below about 92 of them that I realized “ooooh, the APRONS. . .”
If you look at the shop it is another use of licensed fabric copyright infringement, really? Another one? What is this world coming to? Oh yeah, NOT GUILTY, that is what the world is coming to.
I was actually scrolling through the comments to see if anyone else had noticed that, too. Maybe the fake penis isn’t stuffed with cotton wool after all. D:
Who the fuck would actually wear this and think it’s funny? Oh… I forgot, we all probably have some jackass in our families who would find it hilarious. Uncle Sickfuck is scaring the kids…again.
My boyfriend actually received one of these (not from Etsy) as a housewarming gift from friends of ours last year. We all found it hilarious, especially when he decided to show it off to latecomers to the party who didn’t know what it was
His is better though, there’s a connecting string so when you lift the towel the penis actually moves up and down.
Sorry, I could have been more clear. It was a gift given at our housewarming party. Latecomers to the party didn’t see him opening the gift and were surprised when he would casually lift the towel.
Sweetheart, I know that you’ve been feeling that you are a bit weenie, so when i saw this I said “Hot Dog!” and bought it right away. No more being sad about your teeny penie now that you have this manly apron.
I know this is completely of subject, but I have been trying to figure out how to change my little thumbnail picture for two weeks! Will anybody be courteous enough to help me?
My boyfriend has never seen goatse or tubgirl. I’ve been trying to get him to google them since we’ve started dating. You haven’t really taken part in the internet until you see those.
I used to want to know this, but then I became quite attached to my assigned one. Also signing up on new websites is like carrying around 20 different stamp cards for places you felt obligated to say yes to.
I have one of these (an apron like this, not a dick) and it’s one of my favorite fucking things ever. One of my husband’s aunts got it at our white elephant Christmas exchange and I begged her for it. It’s awesome. It feels weird to have all that junk in front though. I feel like I really do have a dick when I wear it. But it’s oh so fun.
I opened up the page, say the top photo and thought “Hey, it’s not TOO bad, a little hideous, but most aprons are like that,” then I scrolled down, dammit. Who wears this stuff?
Realistic and slightly oversized? I’ll give a bare acknoweldgement to one and an emphatic “Hell No” to the other, you all can decide which goes with which…
July 5, 2011 at 4:33 pm
I hope it’s flame retardant.
July 5, 2011 at 5:24 pm
Yes, that looks very dangerous. How do you get close enough to cook without having penis flambe?
July 5, 2011 at 4:36 pm
FUCK.
Why do Etsy crafters feel the need to put Dicks on EVERYTHING?
July 5, 2011 at 4:44 pm
HEY
Sometimes they put vaginas on stuff instead.
Craftards DON’T discriminate based on genitalia.
July 5, 2011 at 4:48 pm
Sometimes the put feces on things, too. Or breasts.
July 5, 2011 at 5:12 pm
and when that fails, mustachios!
July 5, 2011 at 5:44 pm
Don’t forget the google eyes.
July 6, 2011 at 1:57 am
Leave us not forget menstrual blood…
July 6, 2011 at 6:35 pm
Or the semen – intentional and unintentional.
July 8, 2011 at 8:18 pm
And octopi!
July 5, 2011 at 4:49 pm
Oh, I have an idea for the next big thing! Whatever your craft is, make it with interchangeable genitals. Now that shit is patented and copyrighted and trademarked to me, all you fat, lazy, loser bitches!!!
July 5, 2011 at 5:19 pm
Copyright infringement won’t keep us from stealing your idea, silly.
July 5, 2011 at 5:24 pm
We had patient care mannikins in nursing school with interchangeable genitals. So sometimes you’d lift up the bed sheet and found Uncle Paul, other times you got Aunt Paul.
Always fun for the students.
July 5, 2011 at 6:33 pm
I sense stories there of being chased around with detachable penises!
July 5, 2011 at 7:03 pm
@kimoutre … and you’d be right … also my nursing instructor mumbling “the testicles go under, not over”.
July 5, 2011 at 7:23 pm
Ah brings back fond memories…Detachable Penis:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VDss8V2OME4
July 6, 2011 at 1:24 am
I nominate, “The testicals go over, not under” for being the out-of-context comment of the day.
July 6, 2011 at 8:26 am
@theSwope: Was that an error in transcription, or genuine confusion about man-part orientation?
July 6, 2011 at 11:00 am
When you’re drunk and you’re doing backward somersaults, almost nothing makes sense.
July 5, 2011 at 5:25 pm
Never thought that I’d begin to long for old fashioned glitter and watch parts.
July 5, 2011 at 5:24 pm
At least they haven’t decided to put mustaches on di…….
http://tinyurl.com/44lqt3q
July 5, 2011 at 5:26 pm
There’s no “Steampunk” tag.
July 5, 2011 at 6:35 pm
Gotta respect a penis with a monocle, even if his balls are mishapen.
July 5, 2011 at 6:04 pm
Don’t forget to “frame him and name him.”
Yeah….bout that…. *shudders*
July 6, 2011 at 8:32 am
The tags are the best part:
Tags
art drawing mature hairy shaft mustache vest monacle man parts dickery offensive male balls testicles black and white head happy sexy risque weirdness strange cartoony one eyed willy dark regions
July 5, 2011 at 6:11 pm
If it had only been two vaginas, then he could have been a real master. ( stolen from Nick Swardson sry).
July 5, 2011 at 7:39 pm
To be fair, they also put everything ON dicks.
July 6, 2011 at 4:09 am
The synergy of this alarms me in ways that I never before have been alarmed.
July 6, 2011 at 6:26 pm
Penis montage!!! Yay…we should have one everyday!
July 6, 2011 at 6:56 pm
ahh front page treasury in the making..
July 5, 2011 at 4:36 pm
Weenie roast!
July 5, 2011 at 4:40 pm
Literally, if he stands close to the grill.
July 5, 2011 at 4:38 pm
And you’ve actually met the man who doesn’t need to feel well hung?
July 5, 2011 at 4:51 pm
yes, a man who IS well hung…
July 5, 2011 at 5:22 pm
Well it’s important to dream BIG.
As Casey Kasem used to say, “Keep your feet on the ground, and your head out of your ass.”
Or something like that.
July 6, 2011 at 9:52 am
My dad says EarthFirst! used to wholesale bumper stickers that said “If your pecker was a small as mine you’d drive a truck like this, too.” If only a similar slogan could be silk screened across that apron front.
July 5, 2011 at 4:41 pm
The dog kids love to bite?
July 5, 2011 at 4:42 pm
And why is this a MEN’s gift? Seems like the perfect novelty gift for the woman who has almost everything….. (is it reversible?)
July 5, 2011 at 5:14 pm
Yes.
July 5, 2011 at 5:27 pm
Imagine the poor kids when the ask where babies come from and they get Genital Apron Theater.
July 5, 2011 at 5:42 pm
And as adults the grand kids all have apron fetishes.
July 6, 2011 at 12:38 am
Oh THERE’S my husband…
July 5, 2011 at 5:39 pm
Now, when I’d ask about the apron being reversible, I’d actual envisioned the actual apron shown, as I thought it would be very useful in food prep to wear it inside out while whipping, basting, moistening, skewering, drizzling, creaming, kneading, rubbing, beating, grinding those hot dogs….
…but that’s perhaps just me.
July 5, 2011 at 5:46 pm
Ah, NanaB …
.. is it hot in here?
I’ll be outside.
July 5, 2011 at 5:48 pm
Now you have my all messy…
July 5, 2011 at 5:50 pm
apron*…Sorry, I was typing with one hand.
July 5, 2011 at 5:50 pm
Come again? I don’t think I’m getting your metaphor enough…
July 5, 2011 at 5:56 pm
Again???? Im not a machine dammit. Its called a refractory period!
July 5, 2011 at 6:25 pm
^ reason #9519522974628 to be a lesbian… ^
July 5, 2011 at 6:48 pm
Refractory period? Hell, if you continue to roast the weenie just right it doesn’t need to be reheated.
July 5, 2011 at 6:03 pm
It’s naughty Nana, basting and grinding with the best of them!
July 5, 2011 at 6:50 pm
I have a feeling that NanaB is just getting started.
July 5, 2011 at 6:54 pm
I was thinking a reversible one would have a vulva on the other side.
July 5, 2011 at 4:45 pm
It looks like they just hacked a bath towel in half and stitched it to the apron, with no finishing of the raw edge.
July 5, 2011 at 5:00 pm
You’re right…the craftsmanship is clearly what’s wrong with this item.
July 5, 2011 at 5:04 pm
No, but it’s an addition to the things that are wrong with it. If you’re gonna do peniscraft, do it right!
July 5, 2011 at 5:28 pm
Absolutely right! If you leave ragged edges on a penis during circumcision, you’d get..
…. ahhhh……
TOO MUCH INFORMATION!
July 6, 2011 at 9:54 am
Yes, this was also annoying me. I think it’s another example of ‘hand assembled’ but it’s just…well, even more tacky looking. And considering that apron was ugly to start with, that’s saying something.
July 5, 2011 at 4:46 pm
yeah that’s super appropriate when you’re grillin for Grandma and all your nieces and nephews
July 5, 2011 at 4:54 pm
grandma might not mind (she’s probably seen it all before)
July 5, 2011 at 5:20 pm
I’d think that it’s not YOUR Grandma I’d worry about.
Those Saturday nights in those Del Webb retirement communities can’t all be taken up with bingo.
July 5, 2011 at 5:27 pm
And well might like to see it again.
July 5, 2011 at 4:56 pm
Nothing says “family time” like Grandpa showing the kids the “surprise” under his apron. I’m pretty sure that Grandpa won’t be allowed to pass out candy this Halloween once word gets around.
July 5, 2011 at 5:20 pm
Grandpa wouldn’t need this. He has Viagra.
July 5, 2011 at 5:25 pm
Now that I said that somebody on Etsy will have this:
July 5, 2011 at 5:36 pm
Plenty on eBay:
Up Periscope!
July 5, 2011 at 5:51 pm
Do they have any with breast? Next question, Paypal?
July 5, 2011 at 8:55 pm
This is much better:
http://gizmodo.com/359540/jesus-switch-turns-on-off
July 6, 2011 at 12:17 am
Jesus LOVES the little children! Haven’t you heard that song?
July 6, 2011 at 2:18 pm
I’ll take 10.
Please send the bill to my office as I’ll be too busy laughing hysterically at my husbands mortified face when he sees these at home.
July 5, 2011 at 4:47 pm
The perfect place to hang your tongs.
July 5, 2011 at 4:48 pm
Oh, god.. I thought you said “tongues”…
July 5, 2011 at 5:28 pm
Electrifying!!
July 5, 2011 at 4:50 pm
Dong Tongs!
July 6, 2011 at 7:21 am
I’d buy that for a dollar.
July 5, 2011 at 4:47 pm
Is grilling food already considered muy macho? Or is everything better with penis.
July 5, 2011 at 4:52 pm
Most things are, yes, but unfortunately NOT the things Etsians seem to think.
July 5, 2011 at 4:47 pm
They’re right about one thing – it’s very realistic. If you’re a missionary from Planet Plushie.
July 6, 2011 at 11:07 am
He’s obviously had a lot of laser work done to get rid of all those unsightly penis veins.
July 5, 2011 at 4:48 pm
I think that these “crafters” need to spend a little less time on genitalia crafts, and a little more time actually getting laid. Although I suppose if they could do that, they wouldn’t need to make dick aprons.
July 5, 2011 at 5:32 pm
Or their dick aprons would have actual realistic dick.
July 5, 2011 at 6:34 pm
July 6, 2011 at 11:08 am
Don’t thumbs down her! I think her response was perfectly a perfectly eloquent retort!
You’re like Cool Calvin Coolidge.
July 5, 2011 at 4:49 pm
“Slightly oversized?”
July 5, 2011 at 4:49 pm
It’s “semi” oversized.
July 5, 2011 at 5:09 pm
Which is great since most of the stuff on Etsy can only be classified as “Semi Homemade” (with or without sandra lee).
July 5, 2011 at 9:27 pm
I saw one of these before etsy existed so I think this might be not handmade at all. I was trying to find some proof of the previous statement but all I can tell you guys now is that it is a very bad idea to google “penis apron”.
July 5, 2011 at 5:13 pm
Bronc, if the size of that thing impresses YOU, there are going to be a lot of broken hearts in Regretsyland tonight.
July 5, 2011 at 5:14 pm
Speak for yourself! Looks small to me!
July 5, 2011 at 5:33 pm
Me too! This penis is average at best, otherwise it is just plain small.
July 5, 2011 at 9:33 pm
You two are crazy to think that’s small. I pity your poor cervixes.
July 5, 2011 at 6:29 pm
Awwww… but from the looks of it, this one’s soft! Wait until it hardens up!
July 5, 2011 at 9:29 pm
Yeah but it could be a shower and not a grower.
July 5, 2011 at 5:48 pm
Well you don’t want to make it TOO oversized. You know how it is on the 4th-Grandpa grillin’, Grandma and mom talking about knitting, the kids running around, and then someone gets to close to Grandpa at the grill and ends up getting their eye poked out.
July 5, 2011 at 8:08 pm
It’s a grower, not a show-er.
July 5, 2011 at 4:50 pm
I think they mean _under_ sized
…ladies *wink*
July 5, 2011 at 4:54 pm
you wish
July 5, 2011 at 4:54 pm
So do they come in other colors?
July 5, 2011 at 5:13 pm
Hopefully they don’t even come.
July 5, 2011 at 5:33 pm
If they do, at least there is an apron to catch it.
July 5, 2011 at 5:54 pm
Special sauce anyone?
July 5, 2011 at 6:06 pm
So I read this and starting visualizing and thinking, “Sure, it should come in shades of brown, some pinks. . .” It wasn’t until I saw Bronc’s link below about 92 of them that I realized “ooooh, the APRONS. . .”
July 5, 2011 at 4:56 pm
If you look at the shop it is another use of licensed fabric copyright infringement, really? Another one? What is this world coming to? Oh yeah, NOT GUILTY, that is what the world is coming to.
July 5, 2011 at 4:56 pm
And look, ladies. He’s Kosher!
July 5, 2011 at 4:59 pm
Did anyone else notice gramps there seems to be nekkid under that damn thing in the bottoms department???
July 5, 2011 at 5:07 pm
I choose to believe — fervently — that he’s wearing shorts. It IS summer time after all.
July 5, 2011 at 9:20 pm
I was actually scrolling through the comments to see if anyone else had noticed that, too. Maybe the fake penis isn’t stuffed with cotton wool after all. D:
July 5, 2011 at 4:59 pm
BTW, I can see Grandpa’s bony knees. I don’t think he’s wearing pants; perhaps this is a penis puppet!
July 5, 2011 at 5:00 pm
1: Make a home-ec apron
2: Craft your junk made of felt
3: Put the felt on the apron
And that’s the way you do it!
It’s my dick on an apron!
My dick on aaprooooonnnn!
July 5, 2011 at 7:22 pm
I feel like your heart is open wide.
Am I your shining star?
July 5, 2011 at 5:00 pm
oh, those aren’t genital warts, its just relish.
July 5, 2011 at 5:02 pm
92 of these ridiculous things, at last count.
July 5, 2011 at 5:09 pm
So not only is it a ri-dick-ulous craft, it’s also unoriginal.
July 5, 2011 at 5:19 pm
Including the ones on “Blow Out Sale.”
July 5, 2011 at 5:35 pm
They will not be “under” sold!
July 6, 2011 at 7:02 pm
but will the prices “go down”
July 6, 2011 at 11:12 am
One of these has a malformed penis that looks like a butt stacked on top of a pillar. It was by far the most surprising of them all.
July 5, 2011 at 5:02 pm
Now, can anyone do something about those hard boiled eggs under there?
July 5, 2011 at 5:36 pm
Separate the yolk maybe?
July 5, 2011 at 7:23 pm
Is that the one that plumps when you cook it?
July 5, 2011 at 5:08 pm
I have an apron that has a merkin with googly eyes.
July 6, 2011 at 11:06 am
Making your name even more apt.
July 5, 2011 at 5:13 pm
Who the fuck would actually wear this and think it’s funny? Oh… I forgot, we all probably have some jackass in our families who would find it hilarious. Uncle Sickfuck is scaring the kids…again.
July 5, 2011 at 8:25 pm
I have one. Is it less creepy because I’m a girl? And I would never pull it out (pardon the expression) around kids. But I love it.
July 5, 2011 at 5:20 pm
My boyfriend actually received one of these (not from Etsy) as a housewarming gift from friends of ours last year. We all found it hilarious, especially when he decided to show it off to latecomers to the party who didn’t know what it was
His is better though, there’s a connecting string so when you lift the towel the penis actually moves up and down.
July 5, 2011 at 5:24 pm
Because obviously, everything is better when it’s animated.
July 5, 2011 at 5:37 pm
Latecomers?
July 5, 2011 at 10:08 pm
Sorry, I could have been more clear.
It was a gift given at our housewarming party. Latecomers to the party didn’t see him opening the gift and were surprised when he would casually lift the towel.
Here’s ours (sorry for the blurry pic):
July 5, 2011 at 11:34 pm
Now THAT is a dick apron. Though I would be a little scared to cook with that one.
July 5, 2011 at 5:25 pm
July 5, 2011 at 5:40 pm
This should be The Peck of the Day.
July 5, 2011 at 5:40 pm
Sweetheart, I know that you’ve been feeling that you are a bit weenie, so when i saw this I said “Hot Dog!” and bought it right away. No more being sad about your teeny penie now that you have this manly apron.
Love,
You addlepated twatwaffle wife
July 5, 2011 at 5:46 pm
July 6, 2011 at 2:23 pm
LOL, fucking pedobear. i still don’t know what that whole thing was supposed to be, but damn if it wasn’t hilarious.
July 5, 2011 at 5:59 pm
Ohhhhh… The dad that wears THIS is who the Memory Penis and bib are gifts for!
Security!
July 5, 2011 at 6:05 pm
July 5, 2011 at 9:59 pm
Timmy, do you like movies about gladiators?
July 6, 2011 at 1:08 pm
Joey, have you ever been in a Turkish prison?
July 5, 2011 at 6:29 pm
I know this is completely of subject, but I have been trying to figure out how to change my little thumbnail picture for two weeks! Will anybody be courteous enough to help me?
Pretty please with a cherry on top?
July 5, 2011 at 6:42 pm
http://forums.regretsy.com/topic.php?id=4284#post-83451
There ya go!
July 5, 2011 at 6:52 pm
Very much appreciated!! Thank you!
July 5, 2011 at 10:30 pm
You’re welcome!
July 5, 2011 at 7:26 pm
Via the FAQ:
“How can I change my avatar?
Go to Gravatar.com and sign up for a free account. It’s a free program that allows you to change your avatar on all WordPress blogs.”
Remember to use your newfound knowledge for good, no goatse, please.
July 5, 2011 at 9:24 pm
I Googled goatse and really wished I wouldn’t have. Curiosity isn’t always a good thing….
July 6, 2011 at 12:02 pm
My boyfriend has never seen goatse or tubgirl. I’ve been trying to get him to google them since we’ve started dating. You haven’t really taken part in the internet until you see those.
July 5, 2011 at 8:39 pm
Now that I have changed it, I can’t change it to what I want it to be. The wonderful world of idiocy.
July 6, 2011 at 7:33 am
Congratualtions on your thumbnail change, although I did like the F on/off image. Perhaps I’ll use it for my office door.
July 6, 2011 at 11:16 am
I used to want to know this, but then I became quite attached to my assigned one. Also signing up on new websites is like carrying around 20 different stamp cards for places you felt obligated to say yes to.
July 5, 2011 at 6:46 pm
That would make a dandy Mustard dispenser.
July 5, 2011 at 7:00 pm
or mayonnaise…
July 5, 2011 at 7:11 pm
However if what you’re dispensing looks like wasabi mustard, you should really see your physician at once.
July 5, 2011 at 7:41 pm
I thought it that was where to keep you beer – insulated and everything.
July 5, 2011 at 7:18 pm
July 5, 2011 at 9:22 pm
You should really get that checked out. It’s not supposed to burn…
July 5, 2011 at 7:54 pm
How does this shop have 296 sales and only 31 feedbacks? That’s rather disproportionate from the general amount of feedbacks left per sales.
July 5, 2011 at 8:33 pm
Buyers died in tragic dong fires before leaving feedback?
July 5, 2011 at 9:37 pm
Well I wouldn’t want to admit I’d bought one of these.
July 5, 2011 at 8:21 pm
I have one of these (an apron like this, not a dick) and it’s one of my favorite fucking things ever. One of my husband’s aunts got it at our white elephant Christmas exchange and I begged her for it. It’s awesome. It feels weird to have all that junk in front though. I feel like I really do have a dick when I wear it. But it’s oh so fun.
July 5, 2011 at 8:22 pm
Mine is more “girly” though. I agree with the poster who thinks this is better as a girl’s apron. It is. As a man’s apron, it’s just fucking creepy.
July 6, 2011 at 6:47 pm
…and redundant, men already have penis’s.
July 5, 2011 at 8:32 pm
The Johnson’s senile grandpa forgot how to play “pull my finger” properly.
July 5, 2011 at 9:26 pm
I would NOT want that up in MY grill…
July 5, 2011 at 11:20 pm
Am I the only one that feels like this thing is *NOT* oversized? lol.. Kinda sad for the man wearing it.
July 6, 2011 at 11:11 am
Are you married to Jeff Stryker?
July 6, 2011 at 12:58 am
From the link of the 90 something aprons on Etsy… I find this one (the first I clicked) and I think I don’t ever want to eat grilled hot dogs again.
What’s the last sound a pubic hair hears?
**Pfftooey**
July 6, 2011 at 1:06 am
July 6, 2011 at 4:14 am
It’s the kind of penis you’d expect to see in a Muse music video.
July 6, 2011 at 1:04 am
I opened up the page, say the top photo and thought “Hey, it’s not TOO bad, a little hideous, but most aprons are like that,” then I scrolled down, dammit. Who wears this stuff?
July 6, 2011 at 6:07 am
Realistic and slightly oversized? I’ll give a bare acknoweldgement to one and an emphatic “Hell No” to the other, you all can decide which goes with which…
July 6, 2011 at 10:52 am
The patriotism brings a tear to my eye. I am officially proud to be an American.
July 6, 2011 at 2:46 pm
Or at least a merkin.
July 7, 2011 at 4:01 pm
Anybody who buys THAT version is getting…um…er…short changed. I got one for my boyfriend it’s WWWWAAAAYYYY bigger and longer than that one!
September 25, 2011 at 8:15 pm
The million dollar question- is it a hollow sleeve, or merely a stuffed attachment?