If there’s one thing I love more than pornographic samplers, it’s God awful music. But finding jaw-dropping tracks on Etsy is not easy. In fact, this is only the second time I’ve found an artist worth featuring.
So it’s with engorged loins that I present the second audio Regretsy, Like the Freak You Are by Foxman.
Like The Freak You Are is only Foxman’s second CD, though he displays a sort of horribleness usually achieved by people who have been recording much longer. He describes the CD this way:
“This CD is not only a revolution in creative writing, it is pure unadulterated mind control at its finest. This release is guaranteed to leave a lasting impression and will alter your perception of popular music forever.”
Oh, it leaves a lasting impression all right. And no matter how much Febreze you use, you never quite get it out of the curtains.
First up, Shake for Me.
Foxman powers through this number like a chainsaw through butter. Say what you want about the Foxman, but he never lets the melody get in his way.
The liner notes say this song “centers around a strip club and is sung from the perspective of a mobster with a conscience.” I can’t really comment on that, since you probably have to listen to more than thirty seconds to get the plot points, and I had a nosebleed after fifteen.
Next up, One Out of Many.
One Out of Many asks the musical question, “If money couldn’t walk and money couldn’t talk, would money mean a thing?” It’s a pretty heady question, or it would be if anyone knew what he was talking about. The important thing is that money can’t sing. Or whistle.
And finally, Black Cat Saloon.
Foxman begins this song with an apology, which is how they should all start. It soon snowballs into an oompah-pah band cover of a honky tonk drinking song, played on a Casio keyboard in a public restroom.
It may surprise you to learn that Foxman has actually recorded three CDs. What probably will not surprise you however, is the fact that I bought all of them*. Yes, as the Foxman himself says in his Etsy profile, “Once the Foxman gets in your veins, you’re addicted!” AND THERE IS NO CURE.
I encourage you to purchase any of the Foxman CDs, particularly if you carpool to work, or have any long family drives planned in the next few weeks. I like to imagine you silently slipping this into the CD player and watching the conversation in the car slowly die, while everyone stares awkwardly at each other.
And of course it’s an excellent gift for dad, provided you’re already estranged and would like to keep it that way.
*In the interest of full disclosure, I should tell you that I bought everything from Reverb Nation, so I could instantly download the tracks and not have to sit in front of the mailbox every day, looking at the postman like a Keane painting.