May | 2011 | Regretsy

Okay, so we didn’t get raptured.

Whatever, Jesus. Rude much?

I spent the whole day cleaning the house in case he showed up. I even got a Sara Lee pound cake and a can of international Suisse Mocha. Now it turns out this was not the actual rapture; this was just double secret probation.

According to Harold Camping, who has Jesus on Speed dial, this whole thing was invisible judgment (which is my favorite Phil Collins song, by the way). He was here, but he was just observing, like a holy secret shopper or something. He’s going to come back in the fall, and that’s when shit gets real.

What a yank. I mean, why come here in the first place? That seems very analog to me. Can’t he just see you all the time with his magic Jesus eyes?

And if you are going to do recon, why tell everyone you’re coming? Wouldn’t everyone just be on their best behavior if they knew? I don’t know, maybe it’s like Kitchen Nightmares – everybody knows Gordon Ramsay is coming, but they still don’t clean out the freezer.

So now they’re saying that the actual end of the world is in October. I guess it’s going to take that long to process all the data. But I’m telling you, if I were Mayan, I’d be really pissed right now. By the time 2012 rolls around, this whole thing is going to be so played out. It’s going to be like trying to sell Slankets when everyone already has a Snuggie. You feel me?

While we’re waiting for the rapture, we’ll just have to judge each other. Fortunately, Jesus didn’t take all your shit crafts with him when he went back to his cloud. The trumpets aren’t the only thing that’s blowing around here.

See you in church!

Monthly Archives: May 2011

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