Boxed Whine
You know what? Maybe you should stop bothering God with your petty bullshit. He’s so bogged-down with you bitching about that woman at work who took your mug that he doesn’t have time for the real shit. Maybe if you stopped stuffing the God Box with your insufferable whining for ten minutes, he could fix the Goddamn oil spill.
May 28, 2011 at 9:46 am
“Are you there, God? It’s me, Oprah…”
May 28, 2011 at 10:23 am
Oprah doesn’t call God….God calls Oprah.
May 28, 2011 at 12:01 pm
Oprah is on vacation. Stedman will have to phone in your message to God.
May 28, 2011 at 12:11 pm
You mean your “Help, requests”?
May 28, 2011 at 5:27 pm
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May 28, 2011 at 7:10 pm
“OH GOD! OH GOD!”
I’ll have what she’s having..
May 28, 2011 at 8:13 pm
And WAA LAA.
May 29, 2011 at 8:51 am
Yeah, I was hoping there were some STFU, Couples fans out there…guess I was wrong.
May 28, 2011 at 9:49 am
So, if I put a Bible in this thing what would happen?
May 28, 2011 at 9:51 am
BLAM!
May 28, 2011 at 11:19 am
Interdimensional vortex, time running backwards, cats marrying dogs, real end of the world type stuff…
But wouldn’t a note in a Satan Box be more appropriate for “resentments?”
Dear Satan,
Hi! Debbie from accounting here (yes, again – LOL).
That bitch Angela who sits across from me in the office and think she’s all that just because she got her administrative assistant certificate parked in my spot for the THIRD TIME this month!
And Frank from the loading dock was at the Chili’s Friday night (you know me – wild child for my chocotinis – thanks again for inventing them!) and I said Hi and he said he was meeting someone and he went to the other end of the bar and then he LEFT like 10 minutes later ALONE without even saying good bye – can you believe that!?!?
Can you PLEEAASSE handle these two?
I only have two cats left and I really like Nibbles and William, Prince of Purrfect, so if I could “pay” you some other way this time that would be great!
XOXOXO
Deb
May 28, 2011 at 2:56 pm
I have a Satan Box, it’s where i keep my bag of “The Devil’s Lettuce” and several small pipes.
May 28, 2011 at 7:11 pm
RAPTURE!!!
May 28, 2011 at 7:14 pm
…which applies to Carter’s post and answers the question!!!
May 28, 2011 at 9:52 am
Do you get the “God Box- Large” if you have lots of people you hate?
May 28, 2011 at 11:01 am
“Now in three sizes: small for the little petty things in life, large for when you’re an asshole or have a lot going on, and *new* car trunk sized…for when your brother Able just won’t quit being a goodie two-shoes.”
May 28, 2011 at 12:12 pm
Or if you just can’t stay out of His way.
May 28, 2011 at 9:52 am
I read it as G-O-P. Thought that you should put parts of Palin or some other candidate in there.
May 28, 2011 at 12:15 pm
Now that would be a helpful use. Although in that case, this box is far too small. I’d go with one that could hold her whole.
May 28, 2011 at 3:30 pm
It’s not too small if it’s just for her brain.
May 28, 2011 at 3:57 pm
Too true, Mistletoe, too true.
May 28, 2011 at 4:54 pm
Do I have to put air hole in the box?
May 28, 2011 at 9:02 pm
GOP makes more sense in this context. Some of them would love to climb in a box and let God handle their problems.
Wait, that was last week. Oh well.
May 28, 2011 at 9:53 am
So God is Walt Disney, judging by the font on the box.
May 28, 2011 at 10:07 am
That explains the plight of the Jews.
I’m sorry. I couldn’t stop myself.
May 29, 2011 at 2:49 pm
Thanks. Now I can’t stop singing “When you wish upon a box…”
May 28, 2011 at 9:54 am
It says she burned it with her hand. No wonder she prays if she has the Acid Touch. Kinda like the opposite of the Midas Touch.
May 28, 2011 at 12:14 pm
I love you Ant B! This made me snort the tea I was drinking. Sweet tea with ice that is, no earl grey for me.
May 28, 2011 at 12:17 pm
Maybe that explains how it got “stainedstained” as well.
May 28, 2011 at 10:02 am
Dear God,
Just take me already. I’m sick of this shit.
Love,
Harold
May 28, 2011 at 10:06 am
Well, at least why it explains why God doesn’t seem to care about natural disasters, mass murders, child abuse, starvation or the continuing existence of Nick Griffin and the BNP- He’s too busy reading your bitching about Janice in Accounts.
May 28, 2011 at 10:16 am
“P.S. Please highlight the names of those you wish me to smite with fire.”
May 28, 2011 at 10:18 am
If I use a green highlighter could you poison them? What cool stuff do I get out of blue, purple, and orange highlighters?
May 28, 2011 at 12:24 pm
If you take the caps off all the highlighters at once, you get high and then don’t care about whoever it is that keeps eating your lunch out of the break room fridge.
May 28, 2011 at 12:24 pm
God’s keyboard has a button labelled “smite.”
May 28, 2011 at 3:16 pm
God bless Gary Larson.
May 28, 2011 at 10:20 am
I find it telling that you’re not supposed to put letters of thanks, or acknowledgment in there. Or cash, God always needs cash right? At least it seems his followers do.
May 28, 2011 at 10:35 am
God’s followers ‘need’ Rolexes.
But God herself is the Watchmaker.
May 28, 2011 at 11:42 am
I read “watchmaker” but my brain translated it to “freshmaker”.
May 28, 2011 at 1:33 pm
Fresh goes better, Mentos freshness, Fresh goes better with Mentos fresh and full of life!
May 28, 2011 at 12:20 pm
Apparently notes of thanks go in Satan’s box.
May 28, 2011 at 2:01 pm
Wait, The Mighty Reverend PowderBlueLeisureSuit from Channel 11 said God told him he needs cash, and if we didn’t send some God would snuff him.
May 28, 2011 at 2:06 pm
Promise?
May 28, 2011 at 10:21 am
If she can burn things with her hands, she ought to be offering her services to other supplicants instead of just asking for stuff.
May 28, 2011 at 12:20 pm
That bitch Janice better watch out now!
May 28, 2011 at 10:21 am
Omg.. I so totally want to share this on my facebook wall but I fear my ultra religious auntie might try to perform an excercism on me if I do… I am still apologizing over my sarcastic rapture comments….
May 28, 2011 at 10:23 am
Well clearly your ultra religious auntie didn’t believe strongly enough to cause the rapture. I said something like that to my ultra religious family but I’m okay not being on speaking terms with them, at least then I don’t have to hear how I’m going to hell.
May 28, 2011 at 10:58 am
You could give her a God box so she could ask God to deal with you.
May 28, 2011 at 7:29 pm
win/win
May 28, 2011 at 11:12 am
I quit caring what any of my ultra-religious family and friends think or say. In fact, it’s refreshing to never hear their b.s. ever again…
I have a neighbor who voted for McCain because she was afraid her mother wouldn’t like it if she voted for the black guy… She’s allowing her mother to make decisions for her and she is about 45 years old.
May 28, 2011 at 7:14 pm
My favorite retort, that I stole from a friend, is “Its your hell, you burn in it!”. So very many of my ultra loony family don’t get why its funny. It seems that the higher the religious nuttiness in the fruit cake, the less likely they are to posses a sense of humor.
May 28, 2011 at 7:31 pm
i’m stealing that from your friend too
May 28, 2011 at 11:36 am
Excercism?
Is that like jazzercism?
May 28, 2011 at 11:47 am
And we’re praying
And we’re praying
to the left
to the right
Work that cross!
And we’re praying
And we’re praying
to the right
to the left
Get those Satan’s out, ladies!
May 28, 2011 at 11:50 am
May 28, 2011 at 10:23 am
I wonder if Harold Camping had a god box.
Dear God,
I’ve been telling everyone that the world is going to end…I’d appreciate it if you’d just go ahead and take care of that for me so I don’t look like an idiot for the 3rd time.
Love, Harry.
May 28, 2011 at 10:23 am
I wonder what amazing spiraling Unicorn glitter poops we would see if we put Melanie Griffiths website in there…
May 28, 2011 at 10:24 am
I just wanna see your face when God comes to collect his mail.
May 28, 2011 at 12:24 pm
Or to get you for making unlicensed God Boxes.
May 28, 2011 at 10:27 am
Adorned with flowers? I only see one.
Compare and Save:
Telling God my problems and such; FREE. Save $8.
May 28, 2011 at 12:44 pm
She also says it’s stainedstained and coated with poly, but it sure doesn’t look like it. It looks like a tiny amount of half-assed woodburning and one glued on flower.
May 28, 2011 at 12:45 pm
I guess it doesn’t matter how lame of a craft it is if you stick God’s name on it.
May 28, 2011 at 2:08 pm
Speaking of which: fellow Christians, don’t eat the Testamints, they taste awful.
May 28, 2011 at 7:15 pm
So crafts made for God are like crafts made for Moms? No matter how shitty they are, mom has to love them?
May 28, 2011 at 10:27 am
Dear God,
So, kind of slacking off on that whole rapture thing, huh? I understand, though.
Watching reruns of Gilmore Girls is way more entertaining. Plus you got to make that Camping guy look like a moron. Good times.
Sincerely, Me.
May 28, 2011 at 10:29 am
God in a box? It burns, it burns.. (apologies to Frank Herbert)…
May 28, 2011 at 10:36 am
That scene makes less and less sense the older I get.
Sadly, I now am humming “God in a box” to the tune of “Dick in a box”. Which probably means that either God or my husband will smite me shortly.
May 28, 2011 at 10:37 am
God because I’m blaspheming.
My husband because I will have given him the earworm.
May 28, 2011 at 1:36 pm
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May 28, 2011 at 1:37 pm
Well WTF? Preview had it showing up….:(
May 28, 2011 at 11:17 am
Better than God on a stick. Here in the south just about everything goes on a stick, particularly at fairs.
May 28, 2011 at 11:18 am
Oh dear, just though stick=sticks=cross. Go directly to hell, collect 200 lashes. The devil made me do it I am sure since it is too ealry for me to be drinking.
May 28, 2011 at 12:46 pm
Oh Alice, it’s never too early for drinking, so long as we still have bourbon in the keg!
May 28, 2011 at 10:29 am
I’m thinking somewhere in Heaven, god is really pissed that this lady is down here plagiarizing letters from him. Maybe god doesn’t want to deal with your bullshit problems, and even if he did, this lady is telling everybody that god himself said he’d handle it “today.
May 28, 2011 at 10:40 am
One read a remarkable piece in which someone had redone the 23rd Psalm as spoken by God.
The concept of a Psalm being a song of praise did not make it through.
Her God was a nice God, who promised that ‘I will make you so comfortable that you could even sit down and have dinner with your enemies’.
It closed: “And when your life is over, and you have accomplished all the things I have set for you to do, I want you to come and live with me, forever and ever and ever.”
May 28, 2011 at 10:42 pm
Aaw. How cute.
Here’s my problem with stuff like that – God isn’t a Holy Ghost Pez Dispenser. God wants you to live with him/her “forever and ever” but God also wants Janice from accounting whom you don’t like, and that pimply surly teenager next door who blares his music too loud, and resellers, and your bitch of a mother-in-law too, and you don’t get to choose who God saves. Tough concept for most people to manage!
May 28, 2011 at 12:32 pm
So do you get your money back, if he doesn’t deal with it?
May 28, 2011 at 12:34 pm
…and maybe you could ask for part back if he takes longer than a day.
May 28, 2011 at 10:29 am
Sheesh, can’t you people read? This Godbox is STAINEDSTAINED. It’s worth every penny.
May 28, 2011 at 10:30 am
Growing up, I always wondered why God allowed war and famine and other horrific things to happen, but for some reason or other he was overly interested in how often I masturbated. I finally came to the conclusion that he was a hands-off, laissez-faire kind of God.
May 28, 2011 at 10:57 am
The hands-on part being left to the user, so to speak!
May 28, 2011 at 10:31 am
That box is way too small for my list.
May 28, 2011 at 12:28 pm
Get the Jumbo one she makes by stenciling a washing machine box and adding stickers.
May 28, 2011 at 3:35 pm
Nice. I can put myself in it and rock gently while humming ‘We’re only making plans for Nigel’
May 28, 2011 at 10:33 am
Would probably buy one if it were at, say, a fundraiser craft sale for a children’s cancer ward or something.
Otherwise, no.
May 28, 2011 at 10:45 am
May 28, 2011 at 11:01 am
Burned by her own hand… kind of like this?
May 28, 2011 at 11:09 am
May 28, 2011 at 11:11 am
What are you like watching me?
May 28, 2011 at 12:49 pm
Hey, I don’t want a God box if it comes with personal responsibility!
May 28, 2011 at 11:13 am
I went to buy this box, and before I could click through, I heard a voice say, “Oh Me, not another one!” so I just closed the tab and went back to Frontierville.
May 28, 2011 at 11:17 am
“Dear God,
Here is 5 bucks, please make sure my cat has a nice trip to heaven.”
May 28, 2011 at 12:50 pm
So God works for tips?
May 28, 2011 at 3:14 pm
Like foreskins, you mean? Though I think he might have gotten through that phase.
May 28, 2011 at 4:02 pm
Ha! He still requires the Jewish ones, the others are just bonuses.
I was going to say they’re just gravy, but that somehow seemed wrong. Although I guess “Foreskin Gravy” would be a good name for a Zydeco band.
May 28, 2011 at 11:24 am
Can you see Jesus looking at this thinking. “as a baby I got gold frankincense and myrrh and now, after dying for you, I get a bloody box from Michaels!?”
May 28, 2011 at 11:40 am
May 28, 2011 at 3:16 pm
I want it! I want it! Thank you AbbyCat.
May 28, 2011 at 11:47 am
For fuck’s sake, she could have at least decoupaged the thing. And added a mustache. And some octopi. Here – I have Mod Podge and some magazines from 2001 she can borrow. I might even have a bird she could put on it.
May 28, 2011 at 12:32 pm
Even a 50 cent bottle of craft paint would have been something that didn’t look so cheap and lazy. Although with the Holy Fingers of Woodburning you would thin she could’ve really done it up!
May 28, 2011 at 12:33 pm
Dammit ^think.
May 28, 2011 at 11:28 am
1. Cut a whole in a box
2. Put your god in that box
3. Make her pray to the box
and that’s the way you do it.
It’s my god in a box!
May 28, 2011 at 1:59 pm
That’s so awesome.
May 28, 2011 at 4:53 pm
That is perfect.
But now, with the SNL connection and everyone talking about a Satan box, I want to buy the God box for the Church Lady.
May 28, 2011 at 11:47 am
What kind of stamp do I need to send mail to god? Does god have an APO/FPO address where I can use a regular stamp? GPO?
May 28, 2011 at 11:47 am
Here’s what I don’t get. If God’s got a box, then why did God need Mary at all?
May 28, 2011 at 12:35 pm
Well you can see what a lame box God has. Jesus would have been born tiny and rectangular.
May 28, 2011 at 3:19 pm
A box can’t breastfeed.
May 28, 2011 at 4:05 pm
And the Bible would be WAY different with Big Gay Jesus!
May 28, 2011 at 11:42 pm
But much more fabulous!
May 28, 2011 at 11:53 am
Dear God,
Please give Donald Trump something else to do.
Thank you.
May 28, 2011 at 12:07 pm
May 28, 2011 at 12:23 pm
YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES…. and a million more.
May 28, 2011 at 12:36 pm
Here’s your Win ‘n’ Tonic!
May 28, 2011 at 3:21 pm
Next halloween outfit, check.
May 29, 2011 at 10:18 am
Genius, I tell you!
May 28, 2011 at 1:45 pm
What would happen if I put my balls in the “handled by God” box?
Not that I have balls. This is a hypothetical. Honest.
May 28, 2011 at 3:20 pm
Guess it would depend on what you prayed for.
May 28, 2011 at 9:04 pm
Are you Catholic? I hear they have staff for that.
May 28, 2011 at 1:48 pm
Also, that “please stay out of the way” seems REALLY passive-aggressive.
What the fuck, God? Why’ve you got to take that tone with me?
May 28, 2011 at 2:39 pm
Sadly, this passes for wit amongst the Jesus-y.
May 28, 2011 at 3:28 pm
God is probably so sick of these fucktards that s/he just wants them to sit somewhere & read their Bibles instaad of running around trying to save people and predict the end of the world.
May 28, 2011 at 3:34 pm
Now, call me skeptical, but I have reason to suspect that God didn’t really write that note.
I think the seller is committing God Fraud.
May 28, 2011 at 4:07 pm
Do you report that to the God Squad?
May 28, 2011 at 8:06 pm
No calling people out in the forums. I’m going to shut this down now.
May 28, 2011 at 3:34 pm
Why does God look in this particular box? Why does God care if you put your prayers in a box? Why doesn’t God just listen to your actual prayers?
I mean, the “fax God” service was one thing. That’s based on a long-standing tradition. (And, apparently, someone made a book out of them.) But what makes her little wooden box so special?
Also… God’s X-ray vision works through wood? Why didn’t anyone tell me? I’m in trouble…
May 28, 2011 at 4:11 pm
Someone read God’s mail? Isn’t that illegal?
May 28, 2011 at 4:13 pm
There’s a special exemption for people who sneak into your home to spy on you. Like God and Santa Claus.
May 28, 2011 at 10:46 pm
I got a God-handkerchief not too long ago. It was paper. I was supposed to sleep with it under my pillow and then return it in the envelope with “whatever amount God laid on my heart to give, even as little as $50″ and they would pray for me so that my
wishprayer was granted. I returned it with a note correcting their grammar and spelling, and stating that it was my conviction that God would never function via chain letters and to not send me anything more. You see, that was what God laid on my heart.May 28, 2011 at 3:55 pm
I’m less concerned about how her wishes for a new set of vicky’s secrets and more concerned that she apparently burned an image into the box with her own hand. Maybe she really does have god on her side.
May 28, 2011 at 4:57 pm
If things burn at her touch sounds more like a Lucifer supporter.
May 28, 2011 at 4:11 pm
You know, the idea that deus ex machina is a good thing pretty much went out of style just about the time that Christianity was just starting out.
May 28, 2011 at 6:48 pm
I hope god doesn’t get the god box confused with my porn box.
May 28, 2011 at 7:50 pm
You should be safe until the second coming.
May 28, 2011 at 9:07 pm
I write my trials, troubles, resentments and problems on a piece of paper, put them in a ceramic dish and let a match handle them. Saves on filing.