I am so glad I had not read this before seeing the picture. I just thought it was some cheap-ass navel jewelry (or that he stuffed a maraschino cherry in there). With your description & the hernia info I cannot go back to that picture.
Seriously. I’ve never seen something get more than 500 thumbs-ups.
(and that’s probably net of a few thumbs-down from people who were already trying to hold their lunch down without thinking of Albert getting turned on by this.)
Quit rapin’ my dreams
Get into my car
Quit rapin’ my dreams
Get in the back seat baby
Get into my car
Beep beep, yeah
Quit rapin’ my mind
Get into my life
Oooooooooh
Oh I said hey (Hey) you (You)
Get into my car
My dad had one after he gained a lot of weight, but it wasn’t red and painful looking like this guy. Instead, it just looked like he had an outie belly button. He ended up having surgery to fix it.
Excellent diagnosis! You win the Dr. House award – my theory is he is selling his beer belly message board to pay for the hernia surgery, and after that some liposuction or maybe private sessions with Jillian Michaels. At least I hope that’s the plan.
I didn’t even read the words on there for a whole minute and a half. I couldn’t stop looking at the herniated belly button.
The “home remedy” for a herniated belly button is to tape a coin over it. A “real doctor” told me this.
Coins are choking hazards.
What is another special way to use tape, you ask?
If your little one or you can’t stop itching your corn hole, to find out if the cause is pin worms, put some tape (sans coin) over the afflicted bung hole at bedtime. Pin worms come out to lay eggs at night. In the morning, (very first thing) remove the tape and check for wee wigglies!
Again, this was a doctor recommended method. I will not include exactly how common pin worms are. Nothing funny about that.
Alabaster is definitely not liver failure jaundiced yellow. Which is why he does not offer fluorescent yellow lettering, I suspect – it would not show up.
I can’t believe I’m admitting it, but I’ve seen pics of John Stamos shirtless, and his bellybutton is messed up like that too.
Also, limit of 85 characters? Puleaze! I’m hoping that was part of the joke.
I’m concerned about his kidneys and his risk for congestive heart failure.
As I write this, I’m sitting here feeling bloated after a Chinese buffet lunch. But damn, my waist is ten inches smaller than my chest and there’s no overhang. I’m Towel Mike compared to this guy.
I would like one that says “I DON’T DESERVE TO HAVE FIVE DOLLARS TO SPEND AT MY OWN DISCRETION”
Without making the effort to count, I think that fits safely within the character limitation, so I would like to add an little uplifting postscript to it, like:
It was supposed to be a joke about how the only actuion this guy ever sees is from sheep, due to his redneck beer belly and his prejudice. In order to have a goatse he would have to attract some other human being. Obviously not going to happen.
Saying it while you’re rolling your eyes is histrionic. If you’re saying that while the back of your hand is against your forehead and you’re swooning a little bit in the vacinity of a chair or sofa (bonus points for a fainting couch!), then you’re melodramatic.
He could get his whole family in on it–each one write a guest’s name and stand at the table. A living seating chart. Bonus: Host will save oodles on food, ’cause he knows no one will eat after that scenario.
Thank you! I was trying to remember what it was called. (I also have a perverse love of “dropsy” … not actual edema, that is bad … just the word “dropsy” and the fact that it was a for real medical term.)
I’m sure who has a lovely super model wife who refuses to do the lettering because she’s jealous and angry that he’s whoring himself out. It used to be he only wrote messages on his belly for her: “You are the sunshine of my life.”
“Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you I had no control over.”
“I’ve noticed that being with you, I smile more often, I anger a little less quickly, the sun shines a little brighter, and life is so much sweeter. For being with you takes me to a different place: a place called love.”
Those messages are way beyond the 85-character limit, but since they’re for his supermodel wife, I’m sure he found other “real estate” to finish the message….ohgodohgodohgod, why did I go there? Now I’m skeeved and it’s all my own doing.
Think Beer Gut Man ever wonders why he has to do the lettering himself with a mirror?
An astonishing beer gut by itself is not enough to run off 100% of the ladies out there, but thinking it is a good idea to prostitute said beer gut for spare change? Yeah, that will get you “Forever Alone.”
OK, I will amend that to say “An astonishing beer gut by itself is not enough to run off 100% of the ladies or gentlemen out there, but thinking it is a good idea to prostitute said beer gut for spare change? Yeah, that will get you “Forever Alone.”
I stand firm in my belief that the gut itself will not put off all potential romantic partners, selling pictures of the gut scrawled with lipstick messages for $5 a pop will.
Women get to be told that we are supposed to be ageless and forever have the vajayjay of a pre-pubescent girl, the stomach of a 16 year old gymnast, the tits of an 18 year old porn star and remain wrinkle free and have no grays until we reach our 60. Our skin needs to be tanned and toned. Our complexion needs to peaches and cream. And we are the butt of jokes if we even mention PMS.
And men.
men.
MEN get to do THIS! THIS!!!
I bet you any amount of money if we say the top half of him he has a skullet. And I bet he is selling ad space there as well.
It’s true. Society’s messages are very much one sided and unfair.
But it’s not ALL good for men. To be fair, we are poking fun at this guy and suggesting he’ll never get laid, while at the same time drooling repeatedly over Towel Mike.
I see this guy as the male equivalent of the “love my wombynly curves, there is no standard of beauty” gals. At least he’s not claiming to be beautiful!
You may have a point there. And to bring in what Eviltwinpixie said, I bet if Towel Mike did the same thing, he could charge 10 times as much. Oh the tyrannies of beauty double standards! lol
I feel like the beauty double standard is pretty clear: there are rules for normals, but the flawlessly attractive can do/say/wear whatever they want. Curse you, you handsome devils!
Well…I think you’re missing the big picture…if the message was written across the stomach of a gymnast or the tits of an 18 year old girl…it would cost a lot more than 5 bucks!
The point is…you get your body in a condition that it’s marketable…this guy wasn’t heading in the opposite direction…
I have to agree. Men are indeed gross, disgursting and have hairy asses. I have no idea why you have any interest in them.
As far as this guy goes, he’s such a profound embaressment to the human male that no apology is possible. He needs to quit playing with his cell phone and start taking his spironalactone.
The real difference I see is that women don’t generally display the same sense of humor about their bodies that men do. Women get uptight when people poke fun at their “flaws” but men can laugh along with it.
I can’t think of any good reason why anyone, male or female, whatever they look like, should be too uptight and insecure to be able to laugh at themselves.
Human sexuality isn’t the result of societal standards. People want what they want, and when there is passion and trust the sex gets better with age, which is why we all want to be that part of one of those old couples who are still completely in love and die within one month of each other.
MEN get to do THIS! and Wombyn get to market pictures of their boobies in the name of empowerment for all (fat) women who don’t want to be objectified. Both end up on Regretsy.
But, do you think I could charge as much as $5?? I mean, my belly doesn’t even have hair or a freakish belly button. God, I don’t even have stretch marks! It just doesn’t seem marketable
I think you could charge more. His gut will (probably) be with him forever, your pregnant belly will be going away eventually. The time limit on your belly makes it more valuable.
Of course, once the kid arrives, you could sell space on his/her belly to write messages.
OMFG! that has got to be the UGLIEST belly button I’ve seen in my life!!
And why the hell is this on Etsy? This is something worth being on People of Walmart!
If I was feeling really nasty and wanted to get back at my sister for something, this picture would be it. She has a total aversion to belly buttons, to the point of gagging if she sees someone even touch their own. This picture would probably send her to the psych ward!
When my son was a baby, he would twist his finger into my belly button when he was nursing. Even now (almost 7 years old) if he gets hurt or is sad and comes to me for comfort, I can see him twitching to do it, but I catch his hand. And it’s weird because I get both very sentimental and super skeeved out thinking about it.
My sister does hate fingernails, though. They all have to be kept as short as possible without causing discomfort, and she covers them up with opaque and generally grotesque nail polish. If mine manage to get a little long and (in my opinion) nice, she tries to make me cut them.
I know several people who hate ears or feet, yes to the point of gagging when thinking about them. I knew one person totally grossed out by elbows and another who was freaked out by the thought of teeth. I personally am mildly icked out by noses. Yes, it is weird but hey! We are all a little weird.
i can’t stand anyone touching my belly button. my boyfriend does it to piss me off when we’re cuddling because he finds it bizarre and ridiculous.
however! if he were to ask me to marry him via message on this man’s belly, i might finally accept! that, and if he kept his goddamned fingers out of my belly button.
I wish I could remember who told the story on the forums – boyfriend tries to tickle, girl has an explosive fart and knees him in the face, breaking his nose. I think that’s just the kind of magic you need here.
Hey, no thumbs up for that toally useless and nerdy piece of information??
Here I was, storing it away for *just* the right moment, when conversation would sudenly turn to the fear of belly buttons, and I would be able to toally impress everybody with the scientific term for it…
soooo… what’s the deal with the disgusting green tinge? This is an alcoholism thing? Cause it kinda looks like someone colored him in with a highlighter…
I don’t know…I’m about as alabaster as it gets (and you can see my veins through my skin) but this guy looks like there might be something wrong with him. Either that, or he wrote another message in blue and red and didn’t wash it off that well before writing another one.
I think it’s a combination of all of the above. He’s got very pale skin, bad lighting, and wrote another message on his belly that didn’t get completely washed off before this picture was taken.
Oh god, I’m WAY overthinking this, but: he can’t be writing these messages himself. Which means there’s an accomplice/victim. So who gets the money: Beer-Gut-From-Hell or My-Day-In-The-Barrel?
Ok, I’m going to take my meds and lay down now.
The belly, I cannot begin to explain. I just hope the weird colors are some kind of photo artifact. Or the result of having scanned himself. That’d be one hell of a big scanner…like…for zeppelins, or something.
you have to stop bogarting the good, affordable ones!
Okay, I do see why you may have more use for this service than the rest of us. But I’m still just a tiny bit bummed.
Nate,
While I’d love to go to prom with you, Rick asked me out with a fantastic dye job in Fran Drescher’s Nanny-style hair, which is arguably more impressive. Alas, I must tell you that I will not be going to prom with you. You do get an A+ for effort, though. The fact that I vomited when you showed me the photo was probably a sign, wasn’t it?
Re: #6 – I went to high school with a guy who was only a tiny bit pudgy in the abdominal area, and he used to pull up his shirt, slap his gut and say “Why have a 6 pack when you can have the whole keg?”
For some reason it was never creepy and always hilarious. (He did it… surprisingly often.)
Hmmm. I’m thinking if he can get five bucks for his gut, I’m pretty sure I could get at least double that for ad space on my enormous alabaster ass. Maybe $15 if I bleach the blowhole.
You have no idea the amount of Clone Stamping willpower this took. I’m supposed to be studying for a final. ‘Nuff said. Oh and… Here’s your blank, fuckers.
Me too. I went to that taping for her talk show, actually, because I was visiting a friend in California at the time either way. She waved at me. It was pretty ridiculous.
I love The Nanny to pieces, honestly. Her new show … she needs to stop basing things on her life, honestly. The Nanny was loosely based on her life, but it was still a LOT different. This is just ripped from the headlines, and idk if I’ll like it.
Thank the gods and the great spaghetti monster that my father-in-law is skinny. Thank the gods and the great spaghetti monster that my father-in-law is skinny. Thank the gods and the great spaghetti monster that my father-in-law is skinny. Thank the gods and the great spaghetti monster that my father-in-law is skinny.
Because, for the grace of the Sharpie Marker goes he.
**the disabled guy’s entire family is proud of the fact they’re a walking Jeff Foxworthy joke.**
I thought this WAS my father-in-law and then I remembered that
1. he’s lost almost all his body hair.
2. he’s got dementia, and probabably couldn’t get it together to write anything on his own belly (not that the other people living in the apartment wouldn’t “help” him with it.
3. This person isn’t wearing an adult diaper.
I have a much hairier version of that beer gut, and quite honestly, I have no prejudices towards fluorescent yellow, mauve or any other color. $5??? Hah! I’ll do it for $3.50.
btw…since when is “infrared” a color? Or did I miss some late-breaking news from the Crayola factory?
StopRapingMyDreamGetIntoMyCar
May 26, 2011 at 4:00 pm
I was going to ask the same thing – infrared a color? Weird.
I don’t know what your belly looks like, but this guy’s isn’t fat, it’s *distended* – badly. And that’s not a good sign. It is often a sign of liver problems. Even if the green is unwashed marker or a camera issue, the red and the hot pink herniated navel are…uh, I’m not looking at it again.
For the love of all things holy!! The very image of someone sticking something pointy into THAT bellybutton sets my teeth on edge like fingernails on a chalkboard!
Looks like ascites to me. “Ascites is excess fluid in the space between the tissues lining the abdomen and abdominal organs. A person with ascites usually has severe liver damage.” Famous Beer Gut may be seriously ill.
StopRapingMyDreamGetIntoMyCar
May 26, 2011 at 4:03 pm
Exactly – fat isn’t the same as horribly distended, at all. Definitely time to stop drinking if you’re distended like you shoved an air hose into your umbilical hernia. The good news is the liver can often recover if you quit. Methinks I think he drinks more than just beer. More on the level of Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters or something.
This is the first Regretsy photo where I’ve actually averted my eyes after refreshing the page. You can almost hear the time-bomb ticking in the background.
OK, it’s not just me…I mean he’s being a great sport and all, but talk about gallows humor.
This seems like a good example of how the internet gives you a glimpse of something really striking but you don’t have any context for it, so all you can do is speculate.
This is too much! first mummy cat now beer gut billboard? I don’t come here to get grossed out for crying out loud! I come here for the judgemental snark and coleslaw. WTF?
StopRapingMyDreamGetIntoMyCar
May 26, 2011 at 4:06 pm
It’s so distended (like he shoved an air hose into his umbilical hernia and blew himself up) I really think he’s more into something stronger than beer. Like Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters.
StopRapingMyDreamGetIntoMyCar
May 26, 2011 at 4:58 pm
Sorry, wasn’t trying to repeat myself; the other comment didn’t show up at first, thought it was lost. Better quit while I’m ahead. Have a good night all.
You guys are mean! Here’s this poor guy, trying to raise money for a new liver the best he can, and you’re all laughing at him. You should be ashamed of yourselves. And thinking about cutting back on your drinking.
Am I the only one who finds it REALLY irritating when users on etsy, or other websites like etsy, talk about “winning bid” in their description, as if they had just copy and pasted their description from their ebay listing? Or, worse, dont actually understand that etsy is NOT ebay?
So in googling about, trying to find out why this dude’s mess is green, I have learned some new skin-related facts to share (as well as the phrase “nocturnal diarreha” and “bulky and frothy” as descriptors for poo).
-Mask of Pregnancy – apparently your face can darken when you’re prego??? fuck the fuck??? The name makes it sound way cooler than that… I’m gettin me a fucking Guy Fawkes mask when I’m pregs.
-You can get a fungal yeast infection on your skin (like on your arm, not your bajingityjango) and it’s called Malassezia Furfur. I think maybe someone let their six-year old name their medical discovery. I guess that’s cute?
-they got a lot a names for a lot a things that are indistinguishable from one another. Dermatologists must be really patient.
All in all this has been far more productive than working. Though grosser. No more medical googling for a while…
Thanks to Regretsy, “Forensic Files” type shows, and the inability to sleep more than 2 hours at a time, I am truly afraid of what someone would think if they looked through my google history.
Any time I hear about something with which I’m unfamiliar, I have to look it up online. Hence my latest searches for elderly organ players, methadone, and nocturnal diarrhea.
Yes – I’m a writer and a roleplayer and moderate history buff as well as having the urge to look things up that I’m not too familiar with.
I generally avoid medical things unless my nurse friend mentions something off-hand and I don’t immediately know it’s a bad idea to look it up. (I’m fairly squeamish about living bodies, while conversely fascinated by mummified bodies and ossuaries.)
I learned about the mask of pregnancy (and also migraines) from “Darwin’s Radio” by Greg Bear (I think). It’s a really good read, if you haven’t already read it.
As the old med school saying goes, “If it can gag a dermatologist, it’s gotta be bad.”
The reason there are so many skin diseases is that people can see them and they come to the dermatologist because they wanna know what they have — so we have to come up with names for a lot of slightly different skin problems. If people could see their livers, there would be a lot more names of liver diseases.
I think it’s sad when I see a guy joking about having a huge gut. They’re heart attacks waiting to happen. This one in particular looks like he’s heading into liver and/or kidney failure. Not so funny when your family is gatherd around your bed in the ICU.
In the meantime would it kill you to shave that shit so it’s easier to read?
I was about to thumb it down for the PSA, but you saved it with the shaving bit. Bravo! (and no, I never thumb anyone down, though I think about it just to be a dick)
I couldn’t help myself. I’m a nurse and I see it all the time. People abuse their bodies until something bad happens and then they beg us to do save them. It’s annoying. Oh now your fat ass is scared? Ya pussy.
Wow, you’re a nurse and you speak like this about patients? You’re disgusting. And I really hope you treat patients better than you talk about them online. *PUKE* I would rather a fat ass than a tactless mouth. Really? Ugh You make me sicker than buddy’s “fat ass” belly.
I don’t think it’s for you to say how nurses and doctors may speak about their patients in private. They see things most of us cannot even imagine, and they have to blow off steam somehow. I’m quite certain they don’t do it on the job. These are high-pressure vocations with a grueling amount of work and emotional investment. The people who do these assignments for us are allowed to have human reactions. Have you never had a negative thought about another person’s body? I doubt it. You’ve certainly drummed up enough negativity right here. Doctors and nurses are human beings. They aren’t robots. As long as they behave professionally in the workplace, I don’t care what they say when they’re off the clock. – BD
He’s got really nice handwriting for a dude writing upside down and backwards. He gets an A+ for handwriting skillz from me.
Although, I can’t help but think that he might drop dead of a heat attack or other heart related illness before he’s able to deliver his end of the deal. Seriously. ‘Cause the more weight men have around their waist the higher their risk of heart disease.
Proves the point that Etsy is a site where anything including their mother can be sold for $5 and anything can be called handmade. Including resellers, copyers, copyrightinfringers, and those with worse taste than one could ever imagine, withOUT jello shots.
If the bar could be set lower, wait 5 minutes and it’ll show up on Etsy.
The belly button really bothers me. It just looks so painful and it makes me want to curl up in a corner and rock back and forth until I forget I ever saw it.
Here is what this guy has going on: he has advanced liver cirrhosis. This causes fluid to build up in the abdomen (ascites). This blew out his belly button. What I’m really worried about are all those red streaks. They could be just stretch marks, but they could also be a “caput medusae” meaning Medusa’s head. This occurs when the liver gets so stiff that all the blood that’s supposed to pass through it backs up and has to find another way around. So all the abdominal wall blood vessels get really huge. This is ugly but harmless. However, at the same time the blood vessels in the esophagus swell up too, and then they rupture. These people die an absolutely horrific death, drowning in their own blood. OR they can just die from liver failure too.
I work at a hospital, and shown this to a trauma ER doctor. She said that it does look to be a umblical Hernia. The naval makes it obvious, but she did also point out the hyper extension of his belly.
I would love to order a picture of a special announcement written on something famous (like a belly) — perhaps the cover of my wedding announcement! Fame is my favorite thing because it means you’ve really made it. You’re not just some amateur posing in your trailer. This guy’s obviously a local celebrity because he made himself a nickname out of words. I love my wedding invitation idea and now can’t wait to find anyone to marry. I think I’ll post a picture of my vagina with “mry me I 18″ strung through my ample bush in letter beads.
May 26, 2011 at 9:20 am
The fuck is up with that belly button? Even 9 months pregnant, it didn’t look like that.
May 26, 2011 at 9:21 am
That’s what I came here to say. Ew. I’m glad I haven’t had breakfast yet. It looks like his penis is trying to escape from it.
May 26, 2011 at 9:41 am
I hate you so hard right now… *pushes breakfast away after horrific mental image*
May 26, 2011 at 3:11 pm
I almost hurled and I haven’t had breakfast yet.. but I may start drinking now.
May 26, 2011 at 6:48 pm
I am so glad I had not read this before seeing the picture. I just thought it was some cheap-ass navel jewelry (or that he stuffed a maraschino cherry in there). With your description & the hernia info I cannot go back to that picture.
May 26, 2011 at 9:13 pm
I think that means the turkeys done.
May 26, 2011 at 9:22 am
Maybe he used “My New Pink Button” on it because it was lifeless and gray.
May 26, 2011 at 9:22 am
Congratulations, I think you just won Regretsy.
May 26, 2011 at 9:25 am
Woohoo! Finally!
May 26, 2011 at 1:52 pm
Seriously. I’ve never seen something get more than 500 thumbs-ups.
(and that’s probably net of a few thumbs-down from people who were already trying to hold their lunch down without thinking of Albert getting turned on by this.)
May 26, 2011 at 9:25 am
Crap. Didn’t see your comment before I posted below. I apologize for unintentionally stealing your joke.
May 26, 2011 at 9:32 am
Hehe; it was inevitable, no worry.
May 26, 2011 at 10:23 am
AAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!
May 26, 2011 at 3:05 pm
1. I bow down to your thumbs up number. I think you now hold the record and will do so forever.
2. Your name will have me singing that damn song all day only using raping my dreams which is the only thing making this an OK thing.
May 26, 2011 at 4:15 pm
That’s really awesome – you folks have really made my day, thanks!
Sorry about the Billy Ocean – it just felt right somehow.
May 26, 2011 at 4:45 pm
Quit rapin’ my dreams
Get into my car
Quit rapin’ my dreams
Get in the back seat baby
Get into my car
Beep beep, yeah
Quit rapin’ my mind
Get into my life
Oooooooooh
Oh I said hey (Hey) you (You)
Get into my car
Oh baby
May 26, 2011 at 4:35 pm
That is one of the best screen names so far, by the way.
May 26, 2011 at 4:38 pm
Your comment went up 18 in likes in the time it took me to like it.
May 26, 2011 at 9:22 am
I didn’t even notice until you said that and now I’m thinking I should save my $5 to buy some bleach for my eyes.
May 26, 2011 at 9:24 am
Maybe the blowhole bleach is eye-safe.
May 26, 2011 at 9:23 am
That’s a umbilical hernia. I’ve seen it in babies/toddlers before, but never an adult. Yeesh.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Umbilical_hernia
May 26, 2011 at 9:39 am
I think it might even be this exact guy:
http://www.sciencephoto.com/images/download_lo_res.html?id=773300549
May 26, 2011 at 9:44 am
Close, but where’s the green?
May 26, 2011 at 2:22 pm
It’s not the size that matters……….
May 26, 2011 at 10:06 am
I am guessing one of several hernias exploding in that gut
May 26, 2011 at 10:25 am
My dad had one after he gained a lot of weight, but it wasn’t red and painful looking like this guy. Instead, it just looked like he had an outie belly button. He ended up having surgery to fix it.
May 26, 2011 at 11:17 am
I will not click the link. I will not click the link. I will not… Eeeeewwww, gross!
May 26, 2011 at 1:04 pm
Excellent diagnosis! You win the Dr. House award – my theory is he is selling his beer belly message board to pay for the hernia surgery, and after that some liposuction or maybe private sessions with Jillian Michaels. At least I hope that’s the plan.
May 26, 2011 at 5:53 pm
My belly button stings so much right now. *Shudder*
May 26, 2011 at 10:58 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
May 26, 2011 at 9:31 am
Umbilical hernia?
May 26, 2011 at 9:59 am
I’m not even kidding, I actually threw up when I saw it. I’ve got the flu right now, was already feeling nauseous, and this just did me in. Oh god…
May 26, 2011 at 5:16 pm
I’m so sorry to hear you’re sick! I hope you feel better, even if your comment was hilarious…
May 26, 2011 at 10:20 am
Looks like an umbilical hernia to me.
May 26, 2011 at 10:44 am
That’s a hernia. I’m too grossed out to think of something witty.
May 26, 2011 at 12:52 pm
Looks as if he’s got a radish stuffed in there.
May 26, 2011 at 1:55 pm
It’s not a belly button, It’s a plug for beer belly
May 26, 2011 at 2:43 pm
So many horrible thoughts just went through my head, and I think you will appreciate it if I don’t talk about them.
May 26, 2011 at 3:22 pm
um you mean a bung, are you saying his belly button is a bung hole? I wonder if it needs tp?
May 26, 2011 at 4:38 pm
Is that where the tap goes?
May 27, 2011 at 5:22 am
yes, and my guess is – it’s always on the house.
May 26, 2011 at 5:35 pm
I have to agree – I wouldn’t even really read the message written on it; I’d be too grossed-out/hypnotized by the bright red belly button.
May 26, 2011 at 8:00 pm
Totally thought it was secretly Randy from Trailer Park Boys until I saw the belly button…
May 27, 2011 at 3:25 am
Reminds me of this:
May 27, 2011 at 9:11 pm
Oh my god, Matt Groenig=genius.
June 1, 2011 at 1:44 am
His belly button is crowning.
May 26, 2011 at 9:21 am
When you carry low like that, it means you’re having a drunk baby, right?
May 26, 2011 at 9:34 am
Carry low = drunk baby boy.
May 26, 2011 at 10:47 am
Right, because it’s “all in front.”
May 26, 2011 at 9:21 am
I don’t think he quite knows what “alabaster” means.
May 26, 2011 at 9:23 am
You mean alabaster isn’t a blotchy sorta greenish, flesh, hair ridden, red color?
May 26, 2011 at 9:25 am
LOL. He didn’t even get the “hanging” part right – more like protruding in a pants-shittingly scary manner.
May 26, 2011 at 9:29 am
Your name just sent me into a momentary coma of joy. If that song doesn’t get out of my head by lunch, I’m coming for you.
May 26, 2011 at 9:28 am
-Use of the word “alabaster” (even if he does use it wrong)?
-Pretty decent spelling and grammar?
-Limits on fluorescent colors?
I question his redneck credentials.
May 26, 2011 at 9:43 am
You forgot “Fairly decent handwriting – upside down.”
May 26, 2011 at 2:45 pm
I figured the colors were just limited to whatever markers he already owns.
May 28, 2011 at 11:54 am
But mauve was my first choice!
May 26, 2011 at 9:37 am
I think we’re clearly dealing with an ironic redneck here.
May 26, 2011 at 9:56 am
You can poke fun, but ’round these here parts, that’s actually a thing that exists. I call them “hicksters.”
May 26, 2011 at 10:41 am
So he watches NASCAR, but only ironically, right?
May 26, 2011 at 11:34 am
We have them where I come from too.
May 26, 2011 at 3:07 pm
What is that? An educated Redneck?
May 26, 2011 at 3:30 pm
The fact that he put “flabtastic” in his tags says a lot about his sense of humor.
May 26, 2011 at 7:09 pm
Alabaster is definitely not liver failure jaundiced yellow. Which is why he does not offer fluorescent yellow lettering, I suspect – it would not show up.
May 26, 2011 at 9:21 am
Shame he doesn’t use mauve. It would really bring out his belly button.
May 26, 2011 at 9:29 am
I thought the florescent yellow would be better to bring out that sexy button.
May 26, 2011 at 9:30 am
Maybe if you’re a total whore.
May 26, 2011 at 9:21 am
Ok, who’s got that baboon’s ass picture from the pussy dye thread yesterday, because I think this warrants a second appearance.
May 26, 2011 at 9:35 am
Ok, got it!
May 26, 2011 at 1:59 pm
damn…. what is wrong with that baboon?!
May 26, 2011 at 2:24 pm
Nothing. She’s in heat. Note the “come hither” look in her eyes.
May 26, 2011 at 3:11 pm
Also she’s not a baboon, she’s a Sulawesi Macaque:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sulawesi_macaque
*removes pedant hat and relurks*
May 26, 2011 at 3:24 pm
i was just thinking that is not a baboon, and how can her face look so sweet, when her ass looks like that
May 26, 2011 at 9:58 pm
“how can her face look so sweet, when her ass looks like that”
I think you just gave me the lyrics for my new rap song.
May 27, 2011 at 11:01 pm
Her airbags have deployed
May 26, 2011 at 4:08 pm
Oh My God. Becky.
May 26, 2011 at 4:42 pm
She looks like one of those rapper’s girlfriends…
May 27, 2011 at 5:11 pm
More cushion for the pushin’! Literally!
May 26, 2011 at 9:21 am
This had better not be Bronc- you are killing my fantasies…
May 26, 2011 at 9:22 am
Since when is “alabaster” a synonym for “pink-splotched greenish-beige with tufts of brown”?
May 26, 2011 at 9:24 am
I can’t believe I’m admitting it, but I’ve seen pics of John Stamos shirtless, and his bellybutton is messed up like that too.
Also, limit of 85 characters? Puleaze! I’m hoping that was part of the joke.
May 27, 2011 at 8:28 am
May 26, 2011 at 9:24 am
I wonder if, instead of grease paints, he’d be willing to use My New Pink Button?
May 26, 2011 at 9:25 am
I’d spend the $5 just to get him to write “Dear Beer Gut Man…Please check yourself into rehab STAT! Love, Your Liver.”
May 26, 2011 at 9:48 am
I’m concerned about his kidneys and his risk for congestive heart failure.
As I write this, I’m sitting here feeling bloated after a Chinese buffet lunch. But damn, my waist is ten inches smaller than my chest and there’s no overhang. I’m Towel Mike compared to this guy.
May 26, 2011 at 10:15 am
I’d pay to write something on Towel Mike’s abdomen…
May 26, 2011 at 10:28 am
Only if I can do the writing myself.
Hell, I’d pay to have Towel Mike write on MY abdomen….
May 26, 2011 at 11:49 am
“Qui was here”?
May 26, 2011 at 2:47 pm
But, I’d insist on writing down instead of across.
May 26, 2011 at 9:25 am
That’s a visual I won’t forget in a hurry. Going to apply wire brush to my eyeballs, now, thanks…
May 26, 2011 at 9:25 am
Well, there can’t be only one of these available.
May 26, 2011 at 6:54 pm
But it is certainly handmade.
May 26, 2011 at 9:25 am
It looks like he’s hauling a bowling ball in his gut…
May 26, 2011 at 4:42 pm
And a billiard ball in his belly button
May 26, 2011 at 9:25 am
It’s crowning!
May 26, 2011 at 9:25 am
Looks like he found a place to store his chewed bubble-gum.
May 26, 2011 at 9:25 am
Well i suppose if you got it, flaunt it?
May 26, 2011 at 9:28 am
There are limits!
May 26, 2011 at 6:56 pm
No if “it” is something that the CDC warns people about.
May 26, 2011 at 9:26 am
I would like one that says “I DON’T DESERVE TO HAVE FIVE DOLLARS TO SPEND AT MY OWN DISCRETION”
Without making the effort to count, I think that fits safely within the character limitation, so I would like to add an little uplifting postscript to it, like:
“DREAMS”
That makes it etsy.
May 26, 2011 at 10:06 am
you mean… DREAMES don’t you, if you want this to be truly etsy…
May 26, 2011 at 10:20 am
Yes, sorry. That’s what I meant. DERAMS.
May 26, 2011 at 4:44 pm
But to make it Regretsy, it should be DRAMS.
May 26, 2011 at 7:45 pm
DRAMS – then you can list it as “steampunk”.
May 26, 2011 at 9:27 am
I’m so happy my grandpa won’t be struggling financially in his retirement.
May 26, 2011 at 9:32 am
I know! I had no idea my Dad’s belly was monetizable!
May 26, 2011 at 9:28 am
SOLD!Now I’m just waiting for the sequel where he writes on his ass.
May 26, 2011 at 9:29 am
Oh God, is his ass green and pink and brown too? I ain’t looking!
May 26, 2011 at 7:02 pm
Does that mean you’d want to look if it was regular ass-colored?
May 26, 2011 at 9:52 am
With bonus goatse?!
May 26, 2011 at 10:29 am
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May 26, 2011 at 12:10 pm
I beg your pardon??!
May 26, 2011 at 7:02 pm
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May 26, 2011 at 11:03 am
[histrionically] The tragedy of the misplaced reply…
May 26, 2011 at 11:53 am
Saying it while you’re rolling your eyes is histrionic. If you’re saying that while the back of your hand is against your forehead and you’re swooning a little bit in the vacinity of a chair or sofa (bonus points for a fainting couch!), then you’re melodramatic.
May 26, 2011 at 9:28 am
So by “sold” does he mean he isn’t willing to wash his gut and start over?
May 26, 2011 at 9:30 am
Hey, you can’t keep that lovely alabaster skin if you keep washing it all the time!
May 26, 2011 at 9:32 am
Dove must make some kind of ultra-moisturizing beer belly wash, don’t you think?
May 26, 2011 at 9:34 am
Hillbilly babellybutton wash?
May 26, 2011 at 8:19 pm
My brother. Uncle. Father. Whatever. It’s all the same . . . .
May 26, 2011 at 9:49 am
oh god, i don’t even want to think about it!!
May 26, 2011 at 9:29 am
what are you going to get it to say?
it would be lovely for place seting at your wedding
May 26, 2011 at 9:38 am
Or the menu cards at a state dinner.
May 26, 2011 at 11:54 am
He could get his whole family in on it–each one write a guest’s name and stand at the table. A living seating chart. Bonus: Host will save oodles on food, ’cause he knows no one will eat after that scenario.
May 26, 2011 at 7:12 pm
Given the green & red blotoches, plus the red belly-button ornament, I was thinking of a photo for my Christmas card?
May 26, 2011 at 9:30 am
WARNING: Serious business ahead
I think he had jaundice. His arms are red and such but his belly be yellow.
May 26, 2011 at 9:31 am
Has. Not had. He did not miracle-cure himself.
May 26, 2011 at 9:34 am
What on earth would make you think this man might have liver problems?
May 26, 2011 at 9:47 am
I dunno, maybe it was the acites?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ascites
May 26, 2011 at 9:53 am
Thank you! I was trying to remember what it was called. (I also have a perverse love of “dropsy” … not actual edema, that is bad … just the word “dropsy” and the fact that it was a for real medical term.)
May 26, 2011 at 11:06 am
It might indeed be ascites. Either that or a record breaking addiction to cole slaw.
May 26, 2011 at 2:55 pm
Dropsy is what you still call it for aquarium fish. It’s pretty much always fatal. Poor Steve-fish.
May 26, 2011 at 3:26 pm
dropsy yes gives me the giggles, but not as much as ascites…not sure of the pronounciation but i imagine its ass sights
May 26, 2011 at 9:31 am
since he made a point of saying he does the lettering himself in the mirror upside down, he must live alone. I for one am shocked.
May 26, 2011 at 9:35 am
I’m actually a little disappointed that everything is spelled correctly.
May 26, 2011 at 10:01 am
No, his profile claims he’s a family man…. his spouse may be sober and have regained her self esteem somewhere along the line. One hopes.
May 26, 2011 at 10:01 am
I’m sure who has a lovely super model wife who refuses to do the lettering because she’s jealous and angry that he’s whoring himself out. It used to be he only wrote messages on his belly for her: “You are the sunshine of my life.”
“Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you I had no control over.”
“I’ve noticed that being with you, I smile more often, I anger a little less quickly, the sun shines a little brighter, and life is so much sweeter. For being with you takes me to a different place: a place called love.”
May 26, 2011 at 10:02 am
Dammit! *I’m sure HE has…
May 26, 2011 at 11:58 am
Those messages are way beyond the 85-character limit, but since they’re for his supermodel wife, I’m sure he found other “real estate” to finish the message….ohgodohgodohgod, why did I go there? Now I’m skeeved and it’s all my own doing.
May 26, 2011 at 4:47 pm
85-characters? Hey, even twitter allows me 140… He needs a few more beers.
May 26, 2011 at 8:35 pm
I’m gonna have to double up on my insulin after reading that.
May 26, 2011 at 7:48 pm
I’m pretty sure that the discoloration on his, er, canvas is the result of practice grease paint wipe-off.
June 3, 2011 at 5:47 am
Maybe he’s saving up for a surprise for his “special lady friend”…
May 26, 2011 at 9:31 am
Oh that beer gut’s gonna famous all right. DX
May 26, 2011 at 9:32 am
Why doesn’t this have a NSFW warning? That belly button is offensive.
May 26, 2011 at 3:13 pm
I would like a NSFMT warning… Not Safe For Meal Time!
May 26, 2011 at 9:32 am
Think Beer Gut Man ever wonders why he has to do the lettering himself with a mirror?
An astonishing beer gut by itself is not enough to run off 100% of the ladies out there, but thinking it is a good idea to prostitute said beer gut for spare change? Yeah, that will get you “Forever Alone.”
May 26, 2011 at 9:34 am
Now, now. Suppose he’s a bear? He might already have been married for ten years to a Harley rider from Seattle.
May 26, 2011 at 9:38 am
OK, I will amend that to say “An astonishing beer gut by itself is not enough to run off 100% of the ladies or gentlemen out there, but thinking it is a good idea to prostitute said beer gut for spare change? Yeah, that will get you “Forever Alone.”
I stand firm in my belief that the gut itself will not put off all potential romantic partners, selling pictures of the gut scrawled with lipstick messages for $5 a pop will.
May 26, 2011 at 4:47 pm
The gut’s not a put off for everyone but that belly button just might be.
Okay… who’s hogging the brain bleach?
May 26, 2011 at 12:25 pm
I hope that’s what April gets him to write on his belly: Forever Alone
May 26, 2011 at 9:33 am
From http://fourfour.typepad.com/fourfour/2011/02/judge-judy-gifs.html
May 26, 2011 at 12:30 pm
Oooh, thank you Slut! So many Judys all waving their hands and rolling their eyes, it’s a beautiful thing!
May 26, 2011 at 9:33 am
Beer gut? That looks more like a giant tumor.
May 26, 2011 at 10:31 am
IT’S NOT A TOOOMAAAH!
May 26, 2011 at 12:26 pm
I knew if I scrolled down far enough, I’d find this exact exchange. Now I don’t have to do it for you.
May 27, 2011 at 9:18 pm
More like a three-mer.
May 26, 2011 at 9:33 am
ok. enough is enough.
Women get to be told that we are supposed to be ageless and forever have the vajayjay of a pre-pubescent girl, the stomach of a 16 year old gymnast, the tits of an 18 year old porn star and remain wrinkle free and have no grays until we reach our 60. Our skin needs to be tanned and toned. Our complexion needs to peaches and cream. And we are the butt of jokes if we even mention PMS.
And men.
men.
MEN get to do THIS! THIS!!!
I bet you any amount of money if we say the top half of him he has a skullet. And I bet he is selling ad space there as well.
men. ugh.
May 26, 2011 at 9:39 am
I got lost after “tits of an 18 year old porn star…”
May 26, 2011 at 3:06 pm
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May 26, 2011 at 10:23 am
Tell that to Jack Nicholson
I think if there was a photo of me looking huge and eating a sandwich I’d put a bag over my head and go into hiding.
May 26, 2011 at 12:27 pm
when you’re in your 70′s, I think you are allowed to “let yourself go”
And he still looks better than the Mr BeerGutMan
May 26, 2011 at 2:29 pm
not by much, i’m afraid.
May 26, 2011 at 4:36 pm
Am I the only one who hears Homer Simpson say “hmmmm, sandwich…..arggggghhhhh” when I see this?
May 26, 2011 at 10:24 am
It’s true. Society’s messages are very much one sided and unfair.
But it’s not ALL good for men. To be fair, we are poking fun at this guy and suggesting he’ll never get laid, while at the same time drooling repeatedly over Towel Mike.
May 26, 2011 at 10:36 am
I see this guy as the male equivalent of the “love my wombynly curves, there is no standard of beauty” gals. At least he’s not claiming to be beautiful!
May 26, 2011 at 11:13 am
You may have a point there. And to bring in what Eviltwinpixie said, I bet if Towel Mike did the same thing, he could charge 10 times as much. Oh the tyrannies of beauty double standards! lol
May 26, 2011 at 12:00 pm
Dibs on doing the lettering on Mike’s abdomen!
May 26, 2011 at 4:54 pm
Do you suppose we make Mike cringe from time to time?
May 28, 2011 at 10:34 am
I feel like the beauty double standard is pretty clear: there are rules for normals, but the flawlessly attractive can do/say/wear whatever they want. Curse you, you handsome devils!
May 26, 2011 at 10:45 am
Well…I think you’re missing the big picture…if the message was written across the stomach of a gymnast or the tits of an 18 year old girl…it would cost a lot more than 5 bucks!
The point is…you get your body in a condition that it’s marketable…this guy wasn’t heading in the opposite direction…
May 26, 2011 at 11:11 am
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May 26, 2011 at 11:30 am
Unless we’re Regretsy fans. Then we get to be fat ugly jealous losers.
May 26, 2011 at 11:49 am
The real difference I see is that women don’t generally display the same sense of humor about their bodies that men do. Women get uptight when people poke fun at their “flaws” but men can laugh along with it.
May 26, 2011 at 2:55 pm
There is a reason for that, you know.
May 26, 2011 at 5:38 pm
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May 26, 2011 at 12:23 pm
There is a double standard, but I doubt that Bubba here is a devil with the ladies.
Who wants to bet his wife (if he has one) wears snoods?
May 26, 2011 at 7:17 pm
Or a vest with no arm holes and lives in the woods.
May 26, 2011 at 7:23 pm
If we add them all up (pubescent girl (10?) + 16 year old gymnast + 18 year old porn star) we can look 44!
May 28, 2011 at 12:04 pm
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May 30, 2011 at 5:56 pm
Well, assuming the old couples you mentioned are heterosexual, as many women get to have that as men do…
May 26, 2011 at 9:33 am
I’m extremely pregnant and have my own gut to write messages on, thanks. I can put that $5 towards a bottle of vod…er, vitamins.
May 26, 2011 at 10:25 am
You should sell that. Set yourself up as competing businesses. You can have a rivalry. A BELLY RIVALRY.
May 26, 2011 at 10:33 am
But, do you think I could charge as much as $5?? I mean, my belly doesn’t even have hair or a freakish belly button. God, I don’t even have stretch marks! It just doesn’t seem marketable
May 26, 2011 at 10:52 am
Just draw some stretch marks on and add a belly-merkin. You’ll be fine.
May 26, 2011 at 2:47 pm
I think you could charge more. His gut will (probably) be with him forever, your pregnant belly will be going away eventually. The time limit on your belly makes it more valuable.
Of course, once the kid arrives, you could sell space on his/her belly to write messages.
May 26, 2011 at 7:19 pm
As soon as you said ‘belly rivalry’ this is what popped into my head.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x-reSVQOO7s
May 26, 2011 at 9:34 am
Too bad there’s a character limit. I’d really like to put my resume on there. Then again…
May 26, 2011 at 9:35 am
Applying for that new opening with NASCAR?
May 26, 2011 at 9:34 am
Maybe that’s what happens when you have a stretched out belly and an “outie”?
May 26, 2011 at 9:38 am
whats so famous about his belly?
May 26, 2011 at 9:39 am
It was an immaculate conception.
May 26, 2011 at 9:43 am
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May 26, 2011 at 6:54 pm
Zombies’ right. That is gross.
May 26, 2011 at 9:45 am
If I was feeling really nasty and wanted to get back at my sister for something, this picture would be it. She has a total aversion to belly buttons, to the point of gagging if she sees someone even touch their own. This picture would probably send her to the psych ward!
May 26, 2011 at 9:49 am
When my son was a baby, he would twist his finger into my belly button when he was nursing. Even now (almost 7 years old) if he gets hurt or is sad and comes to me for comfort, I can see him twitching to do it, but I catch his hand. And it’s weird because I get both very sentimental and super skeeved out thinking about it.
May 26, 2011 at 10:40 am
My teenage stepdaughter has always thought that bellybuttons are the grossest thing ever. Glad to see there’s more than one person who feels that way.
Seems odd to me, like hating ears or feet or fingernails or something.
May 26, 2011 at 11:21 am
Well, it is a big scar, isn’t it? Outies gross me out, innies only if they look like beer gut guys.
May 26, 2011 at 11:39 am
My sister does hate fingernails, though. They all have to be kept as short as possible without causing discomfort, and she covers them up with opaque and generally grotesque nail polish. If mine manage to get a little long and (in my opinion) nice, she tries to make me cut them.
May 26, 2011 at 12:34 pm
I know several people who hate ears or feet, yes to the point of gagging when thinking about them. I knew one person totally grossed out by elbows and another who was freaked out by the thought of teeth. I personally am mildly icked out by noses. Yes, it is weird but hey! We are all a little weird.
May 26, 2011 at 12:10 pm
i can’t stand anyone touching my belly button. my boyfriend does it to piss me off when we’re cuddling because he finds it bizarre and ridiculous.
however! if he were to ask me to marry him via message on this man’s belly, i might finally accept! that, and if he kept his goddamned fingers out of my belly button.
May 26, 2011 at 1:59 pm
I wish I could remember who told the story on the forums – boyfriend tries to tickle, girl has an explosive fart and knees him in the face, breaking his nose. I think that’s just the kind of magic you need here.
May 27, 2011 at 5:48 pm
i would give you 100 pluses if it were possible
May 26, 2011 at 11:50 pm
Its called Omphalophobia…
I’ve always liked that word.
May 27, 2011 at 4:40 am
Hey, no thumbs up for that toally useless and nerdy piece of information??
Here I was, storing it away for *just* the right moment, when conversation would sudenly turn to the fear of belly buttons, and I would be able to toally impress everybody with the scientific term for it…
and then it actually freaking HAPPENS…
I really don’t know why I bother.
May 26, 2011 at 9:45 am
Hey.. hhmmmm… Giving it some thought… maybe this is a way for my soon to be ex husband to make some extra money!
May 26, 2011 at 9:48 am
soooo… what’s the deal with the disgusting green tinge? This is an alcoholism thing? Cause it kinda looks like someone colored him in with a highlighter…
May 26, 2011 at 9:54 am
Fuck me, that’s what he means by alabaster!! You can see through his skin!! Those are his veins!!
Please someone tell me I’m wrong!! PLEEAASSEEEEE!
May 26, 2011 at 10:01 am
I’m pretty sure you’re right.
May 26, 2011 at 10:22 am
If only we could.
May 26, 2011 at 10:41 am
I don’t know…I’m about as alabaster as it gets (and you can see my veins through my skin) but this guy looks like there might be something wrong with him. Either that, or he wrote another message in blue and red and didn’t wash it off that well before writing another one.
May 26, 2011 at 7:30 pm
Same here, just a couple step up from albino and nurses LOVE my veins, but they are bluish and NOT at all like this guy.
May 26, 2011 at 10:30 am
I was really hoping it was just bad lighting. -_-
May 26, 2011 at 2:50 pm
I think it’s a combination of all of the above. He’s got very pale skin, bad lighting, and wrote another message on his belly that didn’t get completely washed off before this picture was taken.
Either that or he’s slowly dying. One of the two.
May 26, 2011 at 9:52 am
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May 26, 2011 at 4:58 pm
This deserves more thumbs…
May 26, 2011 at 9:52 am
Oh god, I’m WAY overthinking this, but: he can’t be writing these messages himself. Which means there’s an accomplice/victim. So who gets the money: Beer-Gut-From-Hell or My-Day-In-The-Barrel?
Ok, I’m going to take my meds and lay down now.
May 26, 2011 at 9:56 am
he actually says that he does write it himself.
May 26, 2011 at 10:00 am
He says that he writes it himself, using a mirror.
May 26, 2011 at 11:49 am
He’s quite an artist, which could explain how he can write upside-down and backwards.
http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Cartoons-N-Crap-of-Guy-W-Staats/136496463054361
The belly, I cannot begin to explain. I just hope the weird colors are some kind of photo artifact. Or the result of having scanned himself. That’d be one hell of a big scanner…like…for zeppelins, or something.
May 26, 2011 at 12:42 pm
Why doesn’t he sell stuff like THAT in his store? I would buy that stuff.
May 26, 2011 at 7:50 pm
I knew a very intelligent woman who amused herself by writing upside down and backwards. She was something of an artist herself.
May 26, 2011 at 9:54 am
This would be the communication medium to use to ensure rejection.
May 30, 2011 at 6:00 pm
Perhaps “I WANT A DIVORCE!” would be appropriate?
May 26, 2011 at 9:59 am
you have to stop bogarting the good, affordable ones!
Okay, I do see why you may have more use for this service than the rest of us. But I’m still just a tiny bit bummed.
May 26, 2011 at 10:02 am
Nate,
While I’d love to go to prom with you, Rick asked me out with a fantastic dye job in Fran Drescher’s Nanny-style hair, which is arguably more impressive. Alas, I must tell you that I will not be going to prom with you. You do get an A+ for effort, though. The fact that I vomited when you showed me the photo was probably a sign, wasn’t it?
All the best,
Randi
May 26, 2011 at 10:04 am
MAG’s Top 10 things to write on this guy’s gut.
10. Club Fuckery for Life!
9. Helen Killer for President.
8. I should have had a V8
7. Body By Budweiser
6. 6 Pack Abs? This is a whole case!
5. First Place. Pork Rind Eating Contest.
4. President. Jeff Foxworthy Fan Club
3. No, you can’t rub it for good luck.
2. I’m not Buddah, but we have the same tailor.
and the #1 thing to write on this guy’s gut…
I’m Pregnant, You’re the Dad!
May 26, 2011 at 10:28 am
Re: #6 – I went to high school with a guy who was only a tiny bit pudgy in the abdominal area, and he used to pull up his shirt, slap his gut and say “Why have a 6 pack when you can have the whole keg?”
For some reason it was never creepy and always hilarious. (He did it… surprisingly often.)
May 26, 2011 at 10:39 am
I guess you’ve identified who the picture is of!
May 26, 2011 at 1:14 pm
You mean “Your the dad”.
May 26, 2011 at 7:35 pm
How about “Knew that I should have cut up the watermelon before eating it.”
May 26, 2011 at 10:05 am
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May 26, 2011 at 11:00 am
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May 26, 2011 at 10:05 am
Hmmm. I’m thinking if he can get five bucks for his gut, I’m pretty sure I could get at least double that for ad space on my enormous alabaster ass. Maybe $15 if I bleach the blowhole.
May 26, 2011 at 10:09 am
You have no idea the amount of Clone Stamping willpower this took. I’m supposed to be studying for a final. ‘Nuff said. Oh and… Here’s your blank, fuckers.
May 26, 2011 at 10:26 am
EEEEEWWWW!
That said, LAWLS!
May 26, 2011 at 10:36 am
May 26, 2011 at 10:54 am
May 26, 2011 at 1:29 pm
Here’s one…
May 26, 2011 at 5:07 pm
Looks like you shaved him. It adds a little extra something to it I think.
May 26, 2011 at 9:54 pm
And somehow removed the greenish veins. But I really needed to study for that test, lol.
May 26, 2011 at 10:17 am
I really don’t have enough words to describe how abhorring I find this, so here is the cast of The Nanny emoting JUST FOR ME
May 26, 2011 at 10:44 am
I fucking love Fran Drescher. That’s my deep, dark secret.
May 26, 2011 at 10:57 am
Me too. I went to that taping for her talk show, actually, because I was visiting a friend in California at the time either way. She waved at me. It was pretty ridiculous.
I love The Nanny to pieces, honestly. Her new show … she needs to stop basing things on her life, honestly. The Nanny was loosely based on her life, but it was still a LOT different. This is just ripped from the headlines, and idk if I’ll like it.
I know; I am a terrible fan.
May 26, 2011 at 12:14 pm
i loved the nanny. she was literally my ideal of fashionable when i was a kid.
May 26, 2011 at 12:35 pm
I haven’t seen her new show. I thought she was going into politics or something. Either way, I still love her.
May 26, 2011 at 2:03 pm
The Nanny was a cross between I Love Lucy and The Sound of Music.
Really. Val was Ethel, and CC was the Baroness.
May 26, 2011 at 11:36 am
I love The Nanny. Mostly due to Niles. ^_^
May 26, 2011 at 11:54 am
May 26, 2011 at 11:52 am
Too many gifs. Having seizurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
May 26, 2011 at 2:11 pm
I love the Nanny, not only because its the only thing on late at night when i dont want to watch informercials
May 27, 2011 at 6:00 pm
May 28, 2011 at 1:05 pm
why did you do this
i died inside
May 26, 2011 at 10:24 am
Nothing about this makes me randi.
May 26, 2011 at 10:30 am
Score another one for LeeLoo! Ha!
May 26, 2011 at 10:25 am
Thank you, Regretsy. My diet just got that much easier.
May 26, 2011 at 10:26 am
Ohhh.. his Chevrolet brochure was for sale on ebay for 5.50. No bids. He’s offering it at upscale Etsy for 20.00
May 26, 2011 at 10:29 am
Thank the gods and the great spaghetti monster that my father-in-law is skinny. Thank the gods and the great spaghetti monster that my father-in-law is skinny. Thank the gods and the great spaghetti monster that my father-in-law is skinny. Thank the gods and the great spaghetti monster that my father-in-law is skinny.
Because, for the grace of the Sharpie Marker goes he.
**the disabled guy’s entire family is proud of the fact they’re a walking Jeff Foxworthy joke.**
May 26, 2011 at 11:21 am
Do you really think being skinny will stop him from trying it if he hears about it?
May 26, 2011 at 1:30 pm
Shhhut up, terri!
May 26, 2011 at 2:29 pm
I thought this WAS my father-in-law and then I remembered that
1. he’s lost almost all his body hair.
2. he’s got dementia, and probabably couldn’t get it together to write anything on his own belly (not that the other people living in the apartment wouldn’t “help” him with it.
3. This person isn’t wearing an adult diaper.
May 26, 2011 at 10:30 am
I have a much hairier version of that beer gut, and quite honestly, I have no prejudices towards fluorescent yellow, mauve or any other color. $5??? Hah! I’ll do it for $3.50.
btw…since when is “infrared” a color? Or did I miss some late-breaking news from the Crayola factory?
May 26, 2011 at 10:45 am
But will he do a message in ultraviolet? That’s the real question.
May 26, 2011 at 10:49 am
I’d do it in ultraviolet, but that costs extra.
May 26, 2011 at 3:02 pm
Would you be willing to do black light marker, then make a gif of it jiggling in said black lighting? I would pay extra of course.
May 26, 2011 at 4:00 pm
I was going to ask the same thing – infrared a color? Weird.
I don’t know what your belly looks like, but this guy’s isn’t fat, it’s *distended* – badly. And that’s not a good sign. It is often a sign of liver problems. Even if the green is unwashed marker or a camera issue, the red and the hot pink herniated navel are…uh, I’m not looking at it again.
May 26, 2011 at 10:51 am
I admire his ingenuity
May 26, 2011 at 10:59 am
May 26, 2011 at 11:12 am
For the love of all things holy!! The very image of someone sticking something pointy into THAT bellybutton sets my teeth on edge like fingernails on a chalkboard!
*shudder*
May 26, 2011 at 6:40 pm
Now I’m picturing the air being let out and him flying around the room like a deflating balloon.
May 26, 2011 at 11:11 am
Looks like ascites to me. “Ascites is excess fluid in the space between the tissues lining the abdomen and abdominal organs. A person with ascites usually has severe liver damage.” Famous Beer Gut may be seriously ill.
May 26, 2011 at 4:03 pm
Exactly – fat isn’t the same as horribly distended, at all. Definitely time to stop drinking if you’re distended like you shoved an air hose into your umbilical hernia. The good news is the liver can often recover if you quit.
MethinksI think he drinks more than just beer. More on the level of Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters or something.May 26, 2011 at 11:15 am
This is the first Regretsy photo where I’ve actually averted my eyes after refreshing the page. You can almost hear the time-bomb ticking in the background.
May 26, 2011 at 11:24 am
Me too. I’ve been holding my hand up to shield my eyes.
May 26, 2011 at 11:47 am
OK, it’s not just me…I mean he’s being a great sport and all, but talk about gallows humor.
This seems like a good example of how the internet gives you a glimpse of something really striking but you don’t have any context for it, so all you can do is speculate.
May 26, 2011 at 1:06 pm
May 26, 2011 at 2:31 pm
Terry Gilliam is now a fan of Regretsy? That’s pretty fuckin cool!
May 26, 2011 at 2:54 pm
Gaaah! That is EXACTLY what I picture happening and it’s freaking me out!
May 26, 2011 at 4:40 pm
This is too much! first mummy cat now beer gut billboard? I don’t come here to get grossed out for crying out loud! I come here for the judgemental snark and coleslaw. WTF?
May 26, 2011 at 11:25 am
Nothing says “I’m into you” better than a message written on a large diseased tumor. Seriously, beer guts don’t get that round and hard.
May 26, 2011 at 4:06 pm
It’s so distended (like he shoved an air hose into his umbilical hernia and blew himself up) I really think he’s more into something stronger than beer. Like Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters.
May 26, 2011 at 4:58 pm
Sorry, wasn’t trying to repeat myself; the other comment didn’t show up at first, thought it was lost. Better quit while I’m ahead. Have a good night all.
May 26, 2011 at 11:26 am
I am at once reminded of the bomb that carries this guy’s name: Fat Man
May 26, 2011 at 11:58 am
OMG I was eating…. WAS eating. I’m gonna go barf now. I can’t even stick around to read all the usual fantastic snarky comments.
May 26, 2011 at 12:09 pm
You guys are mean! Here’s this poor guy, trying to raise money for a new liver the best he can, and you’re all laughing at him. You should be ashamed of yourselves. And thinking about cutting back on your drinking.
May 26, 2011 at 12:55 pm
The more I drink, the less there is for him to use in damaging his liver further. think of my excessive drinking as a public service.
May 26, 2011 at 12:26 pm
Am I the only one who finds it REALLY irritating when users on etsy, or other websites like etsy, talk about “winning bid” in their description, as if they had just copy and pasted their description from their ebay listing? Or, worse, dont actually understand that etsy is NOT ebay?
May 26, 2011 at 12:29 pm
Yes. Oh yes indeed do I hate hate hate that. “Be more lazy, you douche.” is what I think every time..
May 26, 2011 at 2:47 pm
He’s posted this elsewhere… several elsewheres… one was on uk ebay (winning bid, 1.25, US dollars).
May 26, 2011 at 12:27 pm
I used to feel fat.
Now I feel dainty.
THANK YOU, SCARY BEER GUT MAN!
May 26, 2011 at 12:32 pm
His belly button looks like the pop-out timer on a turkey.
May 26, 2011 at 12:44 pm
…only gross, red, swollen and infected looking.
May 26, 2011 at 12:51 pm
EWW EWW EWW but yes
May 26, 2011 at 12:58 pm
May 26, 2011 at 7:42 pm
I ain’t stuffing that!
May 26, 2011 at 12:48 pm
Somehow I don’t think that’s going to help Nate get laid after the prom.
May 26, 2011 at 12:57 pm
So in googling about, trying to find out why this dude’s mess is green, I have learned some new skin-related facts to share (as well as the phrase “nocturnal diarreha” and “bulky and frothy” as descriptors for poo).
-Mask of Pregnancy – apparently your face can darken when you’re prego??? fuck the fuck??? The name makes it sound way cooler than that… I’m gettin me a fucking Guy Fawkes mask when I’m pregs.
-You can get a fungal yeast infection on your skin (like on your arm, not your bajingityjango) and it’s called Malassezia Furfur. I think maybe someone let their six-year old name their medical discovery. I guess that’s cute?
-they got a lot a names for a lot a things that are indistinguishable from one another. Dermatologists must be really patient.
All in all this has been far more productive than working. Though grosser. No more medical googling for a while…
May 26, 2011 at 1:39 pm
Thanks to Regretsy, “Forensic Files” type shows, and the inability to sleep more than 2 hours at a time, I am truly afraid of what someone would think if they looked through my google history.
Any time I hear about something with which I’m unfamiliar, I have to look it up online. Hence my latest searches for elderly organ players, methadone, and nocturnal diarrhea.
May 26, 2011 at 7:59 pm
Yes – I’m a writer and a roleplayer and moderate history buff as well as having the urge to look things up that I’m not too familiar with.
I generally avoid medical things unless my nurse friend mentions something off-hand and I don’t immediately know it’s a bad idea to look it up. (I’m fairly squeamish about living bodies, while conversely fascinated by mummified bodies and ossuaries.)
My history would be equally troubling, I think.
May 26, 2011 at 10:27 pm
Ok that about killed me. Bwah!
May 26, 2011 at 2:33 pm
I learned about the mask of pregnancy (and also migraines) from “Darwin’s Radio” by Greg Bear (I think). It’s a really good read, if you haven’t already read it.
No exploding stomachs. I promise.
May 26, 2011 at 3:42 pm
As the old med school saying goes, “If it can gag a dermatologist, it’s gotta be bad.”
The reason there are so many skin diseases is that people can see them and they come to the dermatologist because they wanna know what they have — so we have to come up with names for a lot of slightly different skin problems. If people could see their livers, there would be a lot more names of liver diseases.
May 28, 2011 at 1:26 am
The green on his stomach is VIENS! Ugh.
May 26, 2011 at 1:01 pm
I’m sorry but the answer to ANYTHING on that belly is NO!!!
May 26, 2011 at 1:17 pm
Will he wear red pants and a fake beard with this? If so I’ve got a great idea for this year’s Christmas card!
May 26, 2011 at 1:21 pm
I think I’ve developed a facial tic as a result of this listing.
May 26, 2011 at 1:32 pm
GET YOUR ASS TO MARS!
May 26, 2011 at 2:41 pm
It’s not a tuma.
May 26, 2011 at 2:07 pm
I think it’s sad when I see a guy joking about having a huge gut. They’re heart attacks waiting to happen. This one in particular looks like he’s heading into liver and/or kidney failure. Not so funny when your family is gatherd around your bed in the ICU.
In the meantime would it kill you to shave that shit so it’s easier to read?
May 26, 2011 at 2:19 pm
I was about to thumb it down for the PSA, but you saved it with the shaving bit. Bravo! (and no, I never thumb anyone down, though I think about it just to be a dick)
May 26, 2011 at 4:33 pm
I get the thumbs down for not thumbing down? Is that whimsicle irony or hipster irony?
May 26, 2011 at 5:39 pm
I couldn’t help myself. I’m a nurse and I see it all the time. People abuse their bodies until something bad happens and then they beg us to do save them. It’s annoying. Oh now your fat ass is scared? Ya pussy.
May 26, 2011 at 7:50 pm
What color pussy? Vivacious vulva violet or bad bajingo burgandy?
May 28, 2011 at 1:24 am
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
May 26, 2011 at 2:43 pm
The asshole in me thinks would be a FANFREAKINGTASTIC baby shower invite idea.
No one else? No one? Just me?
May 26, 2011 at 4:23 pm
I think it would be a great ad for birth control.
May 26, 2011 at 7:51 pm
For him it is birth control – at least if he has a woman in his life.
May 26, 2011 at 2:45 pm
I’m confused. I thought Etsy rules forbade selling services.
Oh, wait. Etsy enforcing a rule other than “don’t call out in the forums”? Never mind.
May 26, 2011 at 2:50 pm
Silly. It’s not a service. It’s handmade. Delicately written upside down and backwards with greasesticks on human flesh – it art.
May 26, 2011 at 3:34 pm
He’s selling an item, not a service. You get jpegs.
May 26, 2011 at 3:50 pm
He’s got really nice handwriting for a dude writing upside down and backwards. He gets an A+ for handwriting skillz from me.
Although, I can’t help but think that he might drop dead of a heat attack or other heart related illness before he’s able to deliver his end of the deal. Seriously. ‘Cause the more weight men have around their waist the higher their risk of heart disease.
Sincerely,
Debbie Downer
May 26, 2011 at 4:49 pm
Proves the point that Etsy is a site where anything including their mother can be sold for $5 and anything can be called handmade. Including resellers, copyers, copyrightinfringers, and those with worse taste than one could ever imagine, withOUT jello shots.
If the bar could be set lower, wait 5 minutes and it’ll show up on Etsy.
May 26, 2011 at 8:11 pm
I like my mother but I have an office mate that I’d be happy to put up for the minimum .20
May 26, 2011 at 4:56 pm
May 26, 2011 at 5:01 pm
The belly button really bothers me. It just looks so painful and it makes me want to curl up in a corner and rock back and forth until I forget I ever saw it.
Ahh, much improved.
May 26, 2011 at 5:03 pm
I’m sorry.
May 26, 2011 at 8:13 pm
Even Vuvarian wombyn would loath that.
May 26, 2011 at 6:44 pm
Any guesses on what April ordered on her belly-gram?
May 26, 2011 at 8:22 pm
A few things came to mind:
1. DERP.
2. Communism Kills. Better dead than red belly button.
3. We welcome all comments – provided they’re positive.
May 26, 2011 at 8:43 pm
I may have had too much champagne, but I think the belly button is winking at me.
May 26, 2011 at 9:19 pm
May 26, 2011 at 9:05 pm
You can make $5 for writing on yourself with markers? My five-year-old should be a millionaire.
May 26, 2011 at 10:47 pm
Wtf is up with that belly button… it looks like it’s about to birth a third eye.
May 26, 2011 at 10:56 pm
Why are ‘infrared’ and ‘mauve’ not colours that he will do?
May 26, 2011 at 11:13 pm
Here is what this guy has going on: he has advanced liver cirrhosis. This causes fluid to build up in the abdomen (ascites). This blew out his belly button. What I’m really worried about are all those red streaks. They could be just stretch marks, but they could also be a “caput medusae” meaning Medusa’s head. This occurs when the liver gets so stiff that all the blood that’s supposed to pass through it backs up and has to find another way around. So all the abdominal wall blood vessels get really huge. This is ugly but harmless. However, at the same time the blood vessels in the esophagus swell up too, and then they rupture. These people die an absolutely horrific death, drowning in their own blood. OR they can just die from liver failure too.
May 27, 2011 at 12:07 am
My name is Randi. For realsies. D:
May 27, 2011 at 12:21 am
so, we’re all waiting with baited breath to find out the answer–are you going to prom with Nate or not?
May 27, 2011 at 11:48 am
I don’t know a Nate… but it certainly opens up a new fear for those random late night hang ups.
May 27, 2011 at 3:58 am
I work at a hospital, and shown this to a trauma ER doctor. She said that it does look to be a umblical Hernia. The naval makes it obvious, but she did also point out the hyper extension of his belly.
May 27, 2011 at 4:41 am
His penmenship is noteworthy.
May 28, 2011 at 12:47 pm
I would love to order a picture of a special announcement written on something famous (like a belly) — perhaps the cover of my wedding announcement! Fame is my favorite thing because it means you’ve really made it. You’re not just some amateur posing in your trailer. This guy’s obviously a local celebrity because he made himself a nickname out of words. I love my wedding invitation idea and now can’t wait to find anyone to marry. I think I’ll post a picture of my vagina with “mry me I 18″ strung through my ample bush in letter beads.
May 28, 2011 at 9:12 pm
Oh dear. He raised the price from $5 to $6.25. He’s becoming a hot commodity.
May 29, 2011 at 10:00 am
I’m not going to be able to eat navel oranges for a while.
May 30, 2011 at 11:37 am
June 7, 2011 at 2:39 am
As a girl actually named Randi… No. No, I’m gonna have to say… no.