Every Day is Judgment Day on Regretsy
- Submitted by CallMeMacphisto
Okay, so we didn’t get raptured.
Whatever, Jesus. Rude much?
I spent the whole day cleaning the house in case he showed up. I even got a Sara Lee pound cake and a can of international Suisse Mocha. Now it turns out this was not the actual rapture; this was just double secret probation.
According to Harold Camping, who has Jesus on Speed dial, this whole thing was invisible judgment (which is my favorite Phil Collins song, by the way). He was here, but he was just observing, like a holy secret shopper or something. He’s going to come back in the fall, and that’s when shit gets real.
What a yank. I mean, why come here in the first place? That seems very analog to me. Can’t he just see you all the time with his magic Jesus eyes?
And if you are going to do recon, why tell everyone you’re coming? Wouldn’t everyone just be on their best behavior if they knew? I don’t know, maybe it’s like Kitchen Nightmares – everybody knows Gordon Ramsay is coming, but they still don’t clean out the freezer.
So now they’re saying that the actual end of the world is in October. I guess it’s going to take that long to process all the data. But I’m telling you, if I were Mayan, I’d be really pissed right now. By the time 2012 rolls around, this whole thing is going to be so played out. It’s going to be like trying to sell Slankets when everyone already has a Snuggie. You feel me?
While we’re waiting for the rapture, we’ll just have to judge each other. Fortunately, Jesus didn’t take all your shit crafts with him when he went back to his cloud. The trumpets aren’t the only thing that’s blowing around here.
See you in church!
May 24, 2011 at 10:46 am
so, like, did Jesus lie to us?
May 24, 2011 at 10:49 am
His chosen representative did.
May 24, 2011 at 10:51 am
No way – you know Jesus would have chosen one of the Toy Story aliens over that crazed loon . . .
May 24, 2011 at 11:11 am
Oooohhhhhhhhhhh!
May 24, 2011 at 11:19 pm
Guess HE won’t be getting raptured any time soon.
May 24, 2011 at 10:50 am
No, Jesus didn’t lie, that retard guy did. He thinks he’s some kind of prophet, when in reality he’s just a broken transmitter that Aliens are speaking through and laughing their green little butts off at us.
May 24, 2011 at 12:25 pm
“..Don’t move too slow, ’cause the man from Mars
Is through with cars, he’s eatin’ bars
Yeah, wall to wall, door to door, hall to hall
He’s gonna eat ‘em all
RAPTURE..”
May 24, 2011 at 12:37 pm
Or maybe Jesus lied to Harold Camping. Ever thought of that? Psych!
May 24, 2011 at 4:40 pm
Pwned by the Son of God.
May 24, 2011 at 11:01 am
Oh, hell, well….looks like I’m not goin’ up next time … I forgot, Christians don’t ask questions
May 24, 2011 at 11:09 am
What Would Jesus Question? NOTHING. That’s what.
May 24, 2011 at 11:41 am
This is fair comment about many Christians, but not about Jesus. He questioned pretty much everything the religious establishment stood for. Why do you think he got crucified?
May 24, 2011 at 11:54 am
Exactly. That is why it is humorous that so many Christians lack a sense of humor about their religion. I would speculate that historical Jesus, were He to observe the state of things today, would be able to find some humor in it.
May 24, 2011 at 5:35 pm
Catt, I think you’ve nailed it.
May 24, 2011 at 6:07 pm
“Nailed it”…I see what you did there.
May 24, 2011 at 11:35 am
The vast majority of Christians were under no impression that the rapture was coming on May 21. Even most hardcore envangelicals were talking about how Harold Camping was off his rocker.
May 24, 2011 at 1:47 pm
I don’t think so. Didn’t Jesus already come back on burnt toast a few years back?
May 24, 2011 at 3:43 pm
He was just visiting grilled cheese Mary.
http://cooltoast.com/
May 24, 2011 at 5:50 pm
The pan doesn’t look much like Jesus to me.. More like Davy Jones from the Pirates movies…
May 24, 2011 at 8:50 pm
Too much wine, he was toasted. Yeah, I know, I’m going to pun hell.
May 24, 2011 at 4:50 pm
Harold Camping has now gone tyhe John Kyl route stating “Saturday’s rapture was not intended to be a factual statement”
May 24, 2011 at 10:46 am
Oh thank you sweet Jesus you are here- when I havent heard or seen from you, I thought “Well, maybe…” But I guess we all know you wouldnt get raptured, and were just on holiday. Welcome back.
May 24, 2011 at 10:47 am
Well I’m no holy roller but I can judge like ten motherfuckers. I can take it as well. Let me have it.
I’ll start. You’re all so very ugly.
May 24, 2011 at 10:48 am
Lazy too.
May 24, 2011 at 10:49 am
and jealous. all of you, jealous bitches.
May 24, 2011 at 11:02 am
and FAT. Why does everyone leave that off the list? WHYYYYYY?
May 24, 2011 at 11:05 am
Keep reading, Princess Buzzkill, we hit up the fat down below. It’s unpopular, but whatever. What Would Jesus Insult?
May 24, 2011 at 10:51 am
Your palms are mottled with masturbator’s callouses from wanking in front of the glue gun section of Michael’s online catalog.
May 24, 2011 at 11:52 am
OK WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU HIDE THE CAMERA REV?!
May 24, 2011 at 11:58 am
It is in the rolled up poster tube. They never suspect the rolled up poster tube.
May 24, 2011 at 10:49 am
I can smell your breath from here. You have sinner’s breath.
May 24, 2011 at 10:54 am
You rape dreams with the wooden dildo of snark.
May 24, 2011 at 10:56 am
You are illegally reading my emails without my consent.
May 24, 2011 at 11:03 am
Your preconceived notions of beauty oppress wombyn and silence your own inner goddess.
May 24, 2011 at 3:44 pm
That is going to be the sampler of all samplers!
May 24, 2011 at 8:52 pm
You defile wishes. Stop it at ounce!
May 24, 2011 at 10:54 am
That’s just the liquor.
May 24, 2011 at 3:31 pm
That’s scotch, not sinner’s breath.
May 24, 2011 at 4:41 pm
Also a good sampler possibility.
May 24, 2011 at 8:39 pm
You circumcise your sons and do not breastfeed your babies.
May 25, 2011 at 12:56 am
You’re so backwards! I would never do that to my children. I mean… why do you hurt me like this?
May 25, 2011 at 3:16 pm
Because after reading your name I lost 10 minutes of precious time laughing. It is so sick that it is wonderful!
May 24, 2011 at 10:52 am
FAT.
May 24, 2011 at 10:53 am
Fatty fat fat. Even your vulva is fat. You are the owner of an overweight vulvic mound, and it gives you justifiable shame. Even Jesus Himself wouldn’t be proud of your vagina.
May 24, 2011 at 11:00 am
Like Margaret Cho said “I’ve got a mound baseball players could pitch from”. But how did you know?
May 24, 2011 at 12:10 pm
You’re right. My chubby vagoo DOES fill me with shame! A deep burning shame… oh wait, no, that’s just a yeast infection. My bad.
May 24, 2011 at 12:31 pm
yeah but at least my fat vulva is rad – my underwear says so.
May 24, 2011 at 12:58 pm
The bigger the mound, the better the pound.
May 24, 2011 at 3:37 pm
No vulva loathing or I will wrap this up! Knicke.
May 24, 2011 at 8:40 pm
May 24, 2011 at 9:41 pm
I say cheers to a well padded mound… there’s nothing more painful than banging pelvic bones for any length of time. So, that’s not really an insult, IMHO.
May 25, 2011 at 12:58 am
Hail my fat vulva,
glorious mountain,
with crabs like goats,
hopping,
there is the Von Trap children
singing on my mound,
for my hills are alive
with the sound of breastfeeding.
May 24, 2011 at 11:03 am
I take back my response further up thread. I don’t apologize, because I’m too lazy to read through the entire thread TWICE.
May 24, 2011 at 11:20 am
I clicked on the link to your blog in an attempt to find something to make fun of you for, but now I’m reading the whole thing and laughing my silly ass off at it, so THANKS FOR NOTHING.
May 24, 2011 at 11:28 am
There’s plenty to make fun of in there. I am a horrible, disgusting and vile person, and my vagina is just like everybody else’s. I don’t even think it’s special, or imbued with magical powers. I am a Vagina Criminal. Shun me.
May 24, 2011 at 11:50 am
But you never had your Adam moment. At least I threw up right in the middle of math class in 7th grade, right in front of my crush (which was exactly what he remembered me for, only he forgot which scrawny geeky girl it was). Then I moved away and never saw any of those losers again…
Sorry to hear about your vagina. According to my husband, mine’s adorable, but he’s probably biased.
May 24, 2011 at 11:52 am
“Sorry to hear about your vagina” is an excellent theme for a line of hallmark-style greeting cards.
That is so off-topic but I feel like I need to put it out there, in case any etsy crafters are cardmakers or know any tragic souls like me, with perfectly ordinary, perfectly average looking vaginas.
May 24, 2011 at 12:06 pm
“Sorry To hear about your Vagina” needs to be the next cross-stitch-in-a-hoop phrase for sale.
(I will definitely be picking up those abandoned hoops at the next quilt guild meeting “yard sale”)
May 24, 2011 at 12:32 pm
Vagininal.
You can assuage your guilt by hurling Vagetti(TM).
Now also available in OMG it’s Green!
May 24, 2011 at 1:12 pm
I want my cross-stitch to say:
Avervag
with a picture of a smiling beaver under it.
May 24, 2011 at 9:50 pm
I could have used one of those in junior high, after I bruised myself in a bicycle crash.
“Heard you had a small bike wreck,
You bruised your cooch but not your neck.
A fat lip, and black and blue,
But you OB/GYN will remember you!”
May 24, 2011 at 4:35 pm
Not just ugly but your mother dresses you funny (probably from clothes bought on Etsy).
May 24, 2011 at 5:38 pm
You wear synthetic fibers, eat meat, and don’t recycle.
May 25, 2011 at 1:01 am
Your Berks are made from cows and broken promises.
May 24, 2011 at 10:47 am
That picture has to be a fake. No one is getting into heaven wearing Uggs.
May 24, 2011 at 11:11 am
Let he who is without ugly shoes cast the first stone.
May 24, 2011 at 5:39 pm
or Crocs
May 24, 2011 at 10:47 am
I will see you there!
May 24, 2011 at 10:47 am
INSTALLING RAPTURE.
███████████████░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░ 44% DONE.
Install delayed….please wait.
Installation failed. Please try again. 404 error: Rapture not found.
EVENT “Rapture” cannot be located. The rapture you are looking for might have been removed, had its name changed, or is temporarily unavailable. Please try again later.
May 24, 2011 at 10:59 am
It always comes down to Windows, doesn’t it? God damn that Bill Gates! That’s it, I’m getting a Mac!
May 24, 2011 at 12:15 pm
are we sure it wasn’t a virus?
May 24, 2011 at 12:42 pm
Come on: Jesus would totally use Linux. He’d have good taste in operating systems, I’m sure…
May 24, 2011 at 2:07 pm
Remember the time he filled those pigs with daemons and made them all run at once? GREAT HACK, JESUS!
May 24, 2011 at 12:08 pm
I am soooo stealing that!
May 24, 2011 at 12:18 pm
I already did–sent it to my computer-programmer friend, in case I beat him to reading Regretsy today. (He’s always lecturing me how much he hates PCs and that I should buy an Apple.)
May 24, 2011 at 10:56 pm
Stealing this too
May 24, 2011 at 10:49 am
I was hoping for at least a crafture.
May 24, 2011 at 11:04 am
“Crafture” That’s my favorite new word. I like it even more than “craftgasm”
May 24, 2011 at 11:11 am
I love it too. Now when people ask what I am making, I will say a crafture and go back to work.
May 24, 2011 at 10:49 am
Personally, I like to think the Rapture did happen, but that all the people who were expecting to be taken are so rotten that no one disappeared at all.
May 24, 2011 at 12:33 pm
that was EXACTLY my though. Jesus took one look around and went ‘…fuck this shit….’ and left. XD
May 24, 2011 at 10:50 am
Ha! I described the “invisible judgment” as “double secret probation” to my brother last night. I’m thinking of spending the next 5 months having a toga party. Who’s with me?
May 24, 2011 at 11:05 am
I spent 7 years of college on double secret probation.
May 24, 2011 at 11:07 am
0.0 GPA?
May 24, 2011 at 12:06 pm
I did have a 1.5 for a while.
May 24, 2011 at 11:09 am
Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son.
I’m trying to though…
May 24, 2011 at 10:50 am
I got nothin’ but a nose full of Diet Coke on this one. Thanks HK!
May 24, 2011 at 10:50 am
We’re always ready for the Rapture, Down Under.
That’s why the words “Jesus Fucking Christ!”, spoken with fervour, can be heard ringing out, day and night.
Anytime He might show up, we’ve got the greeting covered.
May 24, 2011 at 11:01 am
You’ve made my Aussie blood (the good half of me
) proud! Good on ya!
May 24, 2011 at 11:18 am
Maaaaaate!
Have a thumbs up for your good half.
And go the Maroons! You’re not a Blues supporter, are you? Because if you are I’ll make some sock puppets and thumbs down you back into the Stone Age.
May 24, 2011 at 11:52 am
Mamily comes from Brisbane and none of them follow sports as far as I know, and I don’t follow Aussie football
just American, and only the Green Bay Packers. Never been to Wisconsin. Lived in New York City all my life. Don’t ask.
May 24, 2011 at 11:57 am
*My family* (sigh) and since I do come from Queensland (one generation removed), obviousy I would root for the Maroons if given the chance.
Please don’t make me sock puppets, OK? Anything but sock puppets! Sock puppets are scary…really, really scary!
(Pathetic wimpy smile of a sports nerd knowing she’s going to get her ass beaten when Helen turns her head, and hoping to appease Madam Morgana. REALLY hoping to appease Madam Morgana!)
May 24, 2011 at 12:26 pm
Settle, pet. You’re a QLDer (Maroon).
It’s quite simple. We hate NSW (The Blues). Owing to restrictive firearm legislation Down Here, we are prohibited from shooting as many of the useless mongrels as we would prefer.
Therefore, the State of Origin is staged annually. It’s a best-of-three Rugby League tournament.
When you watch the live-stream – and I know you will – at 2 a.m. your time, or whenever, make sure to drink more beer than is humanely possible. XXXX, obviously, not Foster’s or VB.
The war-cry is “Queenslander!”
Queenslander!
Please note that I neither drink beer or follow football. I merely have a keen interest in the social anthropology of primitive cultures. Plus, you know, hate the Blues. Bastards.
May 24, 2011 at 1:49 pm
The Blues? RAT Bastards, every last one of ‘em. Just like the ones who made ‘em. Whining, whinging pack of mongrels, the lot of ‘em. I’m with you!
Queenslander!
(and the Blues are lucky they can’t be shot!)
Queenslander!
Queenslander!
You’ve really got me riled up now! Not a beer drinker myself, but I can do it if I have to. I’ll go practice with wine and spirits…for my heritage, you know.
May 24, 2011 at 6:44 pm
Good on ya, mate.
Rum and coke would be an acceptable alternative beverage.
Proper dark Bundaberg (brewed in QLD)rum… not that Bacardi stuff poofters and Blues drink.
May 24, 2011 at 6:51 pm
Bacardi is great…for stripping floor wax.
May 24, 2011 at 9:02 pm
my significant other found me drinking XXXX one day (we’re NSWelsh) and said with a look of abject disappointment on his face, “you know why it’s called XXXX, right? bloody queenslanders can’t spell BEER.”
May 24, 2011 at 11:40 pm
Based on my observations during college years, I believe that Barcardi was great for getting things other than floors stripped.
May 24, 2011 at 10:53 am
From the video in the link: “I don’t have spiritual domain over anybody; well, except my wife.”
Prick.
May 24, 2011 at 10:53 am
May I stand up for the Evangelical Christian community and say that Harold Camping is a kook – and if he actually read his Bible, he would know that “No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father.” That’s from Matthew 24:36.
May 24, 2011 at 10:59 am
He actually had that verse right on the front page of his website. I’m not sure how he spun that.
May 24, 2011 at 11:02 am
Like I said, he’s a KOOK! How can someone possibly “study the scriptures for years” and come up with at “rapture date” but kinda overlook that verse??????
May 24, 2011 at 11:06 am
Do you really want us to go there?
May 24, 2011 at 12:04 pm
I’ve been trying to job my memory for the section where he found the 7,000 years thing! Nope, nuthin’, oh wait, nope, not there either.
May 24, 2011 at 12:05 pm
*jog my memory DERP! See, that’s what happens when you wake up a pagan brain and ask it to remember the bible;)
May 24, 2011 at 12:36 pm
I wish I could job my memory. Then the rest of me could remain fat lazy and all that other fun stuff.
May 24, 2011 at 4:18 pm
There’s a line that one day for God is like a thousand years for man. Which should blow up the Creationists who think God created Earth in six twenty-four hour days. Instead, it gave this guy the idea that the world was supposed to last 7,000 years after the flood.
The other theory that used this idea said it was 2,000 years from Adam and Eve to the Flood, then 2,000 years until Jesus, then 2,000 years to the end of the world.
May 25, 2011 at 1:07 am
Simple, it got it from the part of the bible he wrote on a sticky note and put in the back. Kooks Chapter -19 page 134 + 16 = 5
May 24, 2011 at 11:00 am
I could only give you one thumbs up, but I agree with you a thousandfold. And if Gabriel, who has an important part in the event, doesn’t even know, how can some wingnut with a radio show?
May 24, 2011 at 11:17 am
Someone on my facebook feed had the most brilliant unintentional misspelling/misquote of that passages:
“Know man will now.”
May 24, 2011 at 11:54 am
Know Rapture theery is to dum.
May 24, 2011 at 12:43 pm
True.
May 24, 2011 at 1:02 pm
May 24, 2011 at 1:30 pm
Papyrus font got left behind, apparently.
May 24, 2011 at 1:56 pm
here. I fixed it for you:
May 24, 2011 at 1:58 pm
Aaaaah!!!!!
May 25, 2011 at 4:35 am
Yesssss! I was going to quote this verse but you did it for me, in comic sans and papyrus! ::thumbs up::
May 24, 2011 at 10:53 am
Is this guy Fred Phelps’ cousin?
May 24, 2011 at 11:34 am
Sister wife.
May 24, 2011 at 10:54 am
I am totally going to make my fiance dress up as Jesus and walk around with a clipboard and a stack of paper the day before the end of the world in October. I really want him to hit some churches as they let out, shaking his head and scratching names off of a list.
I would do it myself, but then I would have to be lady Jesus.
May 24, 2011 at 11:02 am
You should do fake Jesus franchises. Can you imagine the impact of hundreds or thousands of fake Jesii… Jesuses… a lotta fricking Jesus clones doing this world wide?
It’s send that blue haired woman .. Wolf Blitzer … straight back to the Situation Room.
May 24, 2011 at 11:04 am
Make that “It would send”.
Haven’t had my first Vicodin of the morning yet.
May 24, 2011 at 11:22 am
*thumbs up* for use of the word “Jesii”
May 24, 2011 at 11:44 am
So in October we should be prepared for the “Return of the Jesii?”
May 24, 2011 at 12:20 pm
Subtlepen, that would be appropriate, as it would be his Second Coming. [Insert comment that I will always contend that "Return of the Jedi" was film #2, not #5...oh, wait, I just did.]
May 24, 2011 at 12:21 pm
My last post was meant for Gypsygrrl. My derp.
May 25, 2011 at 6:41 am
‘Jesus’ is Greek, so correct plural is ‘Jesuses’ not ‘Jesii’.
It is sad, Jesii sounds sooooo much better.
May 24, 2011 at 12:06 pm
Why not? It worked for Santa.
May 24, 2011 at 11:05 am
Where???? I want to be there. That’s a fantastic idea. Make sure he (sorry, He) sighs loudly a lot. Really makes someone feel like a disappointment.
It’s just a shame that October 21st is a Friday. Not too many church services are on Thursday, but…He has a lot of work to do down here. He could begin the previous Sunday!
May 24, 2011 at 11:37 am
To be really snarky, He should look at someone, smile & nod, and then look down at the paper and frown. “Oh. Sorry! Wrong one” and shrug.
May 24, 2011 at 4:49 pm
Thumbs up to the 100th power.
May 24, 2011 at 6:56 pm
Aw, thank you!
May 24, 2011 at 10:54 am
It had to be done.
May 24, 2011 at 11:19 am
(giggle!)
May 24, 2011 at 10:56 am
We were traveling at the time, but kept looking around just to see people levitating. Such a disappointment. But seriously, who would listen to this guy? http://gawker.com/5804846/rapture-predictor-harold-camping-apocalypse-rescheduled-to-october-21 Check this picture. It depicts him as the looney he is! May the farce be with you!
May 24, 2011 at 10:59 am
He’s very well-endowed. With ears, at least.
May 24, 2011 at 11:07 am
Makes navigating up to Heaven that much easier. One good updraft and there he goes!
May 24, 2011 at 11:45 am
I thought that was Dumbo. Oh, wait. . .
May 24, 2011 at 12:23 pm
I love Dumbo, but it made me cry, too. For this dolt, I’d only cry if he didn’t go away.
May 24, 2011 at 11:09 am
And liver spots.
May 24, 2011 at 9:40 pm
Dumbo had liver spots?
May 24, 2011 at 10:56 am
Man, that Camping is a bastard. Now, not only was Jesus creeping around, but now I’ve got to make it through Hurricane season, just to be denied Halloween. End Times fuckery, damn it.
May 24, 2011 at 11:08 am
Hey, if you become Pagan now, you’ll get passed over for the holy Hoovering, and Halloween is that much more fun!
May 24, 2011 at 11:25 am
You also don’t have to listen to the “chosen” ones bitch about how its a Pagan holiday & worship of Satan.
May 24, 2011 at 1:59 pm
No what kind of Samhain would it be without Hell Houses?
May 24, 2011 at 4:32 pm
At least the costumes are going to be awesome this year… “invisible” people, left-behind sinners, raptured raptors, holy hovering hoovers, etc.
May 24, 2011 at 11:55 am
Holy Hoovering.. *snicker* I am SO gonna steal that!
May 24, 2011 at 12:08 pm
Be my guest – I didn’t make that one up. I’m sure I didn’t. I Probably read it here over the weekend.
May 24, 2011 at 1:18 pm
This was a great weekend for forum fuckery.
May 25, 2011 at 1:16 am
Holy Hoovering
by *Wombyncil
I was promised an orgy in the sky
the holiest of people scooting by
into the mouth, watched by the eye
I was told to be ready by three
but the Rapture passed over me
no one went missing, that I could see
Perhaps I am evil, my soul dark
perhaps a spaceship came like an Arc
to lift and to sift and to snark
About all the sinners left in this place
Oh, the look on their face
when the asteroid falls from space.
The end of the world, the end of an age
Left behind is all the rage
so I guess we are still in this cage
for a little bit longer.
May 24, 2011 at 10:58 am
My boyfriend and I were going to dress up as Jesus and Mary Magdalene and go to bars handing out VIP Heaven Passes, but we couldn’t find a babysitter.
May 24, 2011 at 11:26 am
Hehehe. A friend was going to release blow up dolls filled with helium. Gotta find out if he actually did it or not though. Might need to put that plan into action come October.
May 24, 2011 at 11:54 am
That would be even better with a kid/kids in tow!
May 24, 2011 at 12:11 pm
No, they’re such assholes when they get a little liquor in them.
You’re in Milwaukee, aren’t you, Tokudama? Wanna join us in October?
May 24, 2011 at 1:50 pm
Oh heck yes.
May 24, 2011 at 11:00 am
We’re so glad you’re not dead or raptured!
May 24, 2011 at 11:16 am
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
May 24, 2011 at 11:01 am
This may be a good thing. By the time 2012 rolls around, everyone will be burnt out on the end of the world stuff and won’t freak out as much.
May 25, 2011 at 1:18 am
Pisses me off. I mean, at least with Mayans there might be a demon or two to eat us. But floating up to heaven naked just sounds awkward.
May 24, 2011 at 11:02 am
So…Jesus is Harry Potter wearing his invisibility cloak? That explains a lot.
While I would love to believe this means people won’t take this fuckwad Camping seriously now, I know better.
May 24, 2011 at 11:25 am
Jesus as Harry Potter… Accio Followers!
May 24, 2011 at 1:20 pm
More like avada kedavra . . .
May 26, 2011 at 11:57 am
More like ‘Imperio!!’
May 24, 2011 at 11:02 am
Someone needs to get him a calculator or something because his math has been off twice now. Three strikes and we get to take his free pass to Heaven.
May 24, 2011 at 11:03 am
Camping believed that the 200 million are PRE-ORDAINED, and everyone else is just screwed. So what, according to his faith, would Jesus be sneaking around looking at?
(I think the Witnesses believe only 144,000 get raptured, but everyone else gets in on the Second Chance drawing for a place in Heaven.)
May 24, 2011 at 11:08 am
That’s the thing I don’t understand…if only 144,000 will get saved, wouldn’t you want to keep that information quiet?
Why in the world would you want to convert more people to your religion. It’s kinda like selling extra raffle tickets. It lessens your chances of winning!
May 24, 2011 at 11:23 am
It seems like something akin to Calvinism, which states that only a certain amount of people (the “elect”) are going to Heaven while the rest of everyone is going to burn in the fiery pits of Hell. The thing is, you don’t really know who is set out to be the elect and who isn’t. But most people want to think it’s the people like them. The people who accused ladies they didn’t like of being witches in Salem? They were a branch of Calvinists. Been goin’ on for centuries. (Though I can’t say they calculated the number of non-witches.)
May 24, 2011 at 11:29 am
I’m not so sure about Calvinism, I was always more of a Hobbesist myself.
May 24, 2011 at 11:32 am
Calvinism! *ptooey*
In re: the JWs, they used to say only 144k would be saved at all, but then there got to be more than 144k JWs, so they had to revise it. As I understand it, all the JWs get saved, but the 144k get special seats or something.
I may be hideously misrepresenting that.
May 24, 2011 at 12:44 pm
From what I understand, no Witness assumes he’s one of the Elect.
May 24, 2011 at 5:45 pm
I was raised JW and left about 6 years ago so here is the down low;
144K are ‘anointed’ and will serve with Jesus in the Kingdom of Heaven (will become angels)
These 144K spaces are down to about 6000 people. If you are one – you know it (don’t ask me how)
All the other good JW’s get to go through Armageddon to live on earth once its been cleared of all the unbelievers.
They will have 1000 years to make it all pretty and shit and then they can choose whether they want to stay or go.
If you go then its sayonara – end of the line.
When I type that it sounds pretty loony..20 years of my life…
May 24, 2011 at 11:24 am
Testify!
I’ve always wondered that exact same thing myself.
Also, why is Jesus so concerned about how the Witnesses dress?
Most of the proselytisers who try to get through my locked gate are better dressed than our Prime Minister.
May 24, 2011 at 11:33 am
Aren’t those Mormons? They’re always dressed in immaculate suits. I’ve never heard about the JWs being especially well-dressed.
May 24, 2011 at 12:36 pm
Down Here, they are.
Like two piece suits and stockings in summer, lots of gold jewellery, matching hats…
And that’s just the men!
May 24, 2011 at 2:32 pm
Madam M, that isn’t too hard.
May 24, 2011 at 6:58 pm
Uncle V:
Hehehe… what I don’t understand is her regrowth.
Isn’t the man with whom she lives in sin a hairdresser, for the love of Clariol?
May 25, 2011 at 12:41 am
He was a hairdresser, but now I think he’s an estate agent or something like that.
May 24, 2011 at 1:13 pm
The JWs have a holy Ponzi scheme going. There are only 144K slots but you have to recruit in order to move up the pyramid and get one of the ring side seats.
May 24, 2011 at 9:59 pm
I had heard that about the Witnesses as well and thought that was a pretty crappy selling point. No holidays and there’s no guarantee you’re going to get into heaven even if you convert… what’s the benefit again?
May 24, 2011 at 11:05 am
Has anyone heard from Debbie Harry since Saturday?
May 24, 2011 at 11:58 am
And/or Fab Five Freddy?
May 24, 2011 at 11:06 am
Yanno, I find this whole thing actually pretty sad. Faith can be a beautiful thing in a persons life, whether that faith is in some nice hippy guy who just wants everyone to not be dicks to each other or in your ability to get through the day without killing someone. The people who were conned by Camping weren’t stupid, it’s really easy just to dismiss them as stupid but I really don’t think they were. They just had faith, they trusted, which is what their book tells them to do. Trust in the word of the lord, have faith even when it’s difficult.
These people just did what a man they trusted to know more than them about their faith was telling them. Their faith and love was shit on, made ridiculous and stupid. These people have had their trust betrayed and are left in some pretty terrible situations… Camping may not have said in so many words “Go sell all your crap and spend your money on my message” but he didn’t stop them either. It’s a crying shame
May 24, 2011 at 11:12 am
“In God We Trust – all others please use cash”
Camping isn’t a God. And it’s highly doubtful that God talks to him, either.
May 24, 2011 at 11:19 am
Jesus Saves, Jews Invest
May 24, 2011 at 11:16 am
“Their book” – the Bible – says to trust in GOD and have faith in GOD. Not Harold Camping. If anyone trusted this kook, I’m sorry but it’s their own fault for not checking into things just a little bit further.
May 24, 2011 at 11:35 am
They got the faith bit, but they missed out on all the stuff about discernment. There’s bags of stuff in the Bible about asking questions and checking someone out before you swallow what they say. Sadly, it doesn’t get preached on nearly often enough.
May 24, 2011 at 12:22 pm
what’s really sad is that most of them are going to repeat this again in October.
Of course we will too. but that’s different. we’re special.
May 24, 2011 at 4:54 pm
May 24, 2011 at 1:27 pm
faith [feyth]
-noun
1. the certainty that one’s hopes and wishes are true, despite the lack of any actual supporting evidence
2. an affliction that leads to self-sacrifice for no good reason and sending one’s hard-earned money to liars and theives instead of spending it on something productive
May 24, 2011 at 4:36 pm
1 John 4:1
Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, for many false prophets have gone out into the world
And repeatedly the Bible says to actually read it. It’s not faith that was the problem but credulity and laziness.
May 24, 2011 at 5:46 pm
Maybe they didn’t read the part that said they were supposed to read it. That does complicate things.
May 24, 2011 at 11:06 am
Rapture or no rapture…I’m not worried. I already know where I’m heading. Right now I’m in contract negotiations with Satan to determine what level.
I knew I shouldn’t have made those octopus necklaces.
May 24, 2011 at 11:07 am
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
May 24, 2011 at 11:13 am
yes, go read ALL the archives, and write a 20-page dissertation on the significance of the “pink thing between the boots”.
May 24, 2011 at 11:21 am
Extra credit for embedded links.
May 24, 2011 at 12:00 pm
Srsly. Go read the previous TWO POSTS.
May 24, 2011 at 5:13 pm
Sometimes it takes a while to get all the jokes here, not to mention some of the lingo.
There! I said it! I had trouble figuring out some stuff initially myself.
May 24, 2011 at 11:08 am
So the (first) Rapture didn’t happen.
Now the guy says it’s OCTOBER 21st. People will probably believe him AGAIN, and then it’s going to be a no-show again.
By the time the REAL end of the comes in 2012 when the Mayan calendar ends, we are all going to be surprised because with being fooled twice, we weren’t going to be taken in the 3rd time.
At least that’s my take on the sitch.
May 24, 2011 at 11:13 am
This is actually his second mega-fail. He predicted the world would end 9/1994 also. So, maybe the third time’s a charm?
May 24, 2011 at 11:14 am
No, this is the second rapture stand up. The first was in 1994 or something (at least according to the various articles I’ve seen over the past 2 days)
May 24, 2011 at 11:15 am
Since we don’t get anymore tax cuts, I hope its April 14th 2012, at least in the U.S.
May 24, 2011 at 11:12 am
I didn’t actually get raptured. I simply stripped off my clothes and decided “Fuck the dishes” and made a drink instead.
May 24, 2011 at 11:22 am
Cool screen name!
May 24, 2011 at 11:46 am
Thank you!
May 24, 2011 at 1:26 pm
your screen name made me nearly squirt accidentally-frozen-soy-yogurt out of my nose. i’m still laughing.
May 24, 2011 at 5:42 pm
I do that often, Raputre has nothing to do with it.
May 24, 2011 at 11:12 am
You know, the least whoever is planning this event could do is let us have one final Halloween, Thanksgiving, Chanukah, Christmas and New Year’s Eve bash.
Given that, I say we have one hell of a Labor Day celebration.
May 24, 2011 at 11:15 am
There’s an ad in the RSS feed for this post for “Defund Planned Parenthood”:
I guess all the Jesus-judgin’ and church-goin’ set it off.
May 24, 2011 at 11:23 am
Google Ad Fail.
May 24, 2011 at 11:37 am
They just put in the wrong one on accident
May 24, 2011 at 1:58 pm
I think millions is a bit of an exaggeration. Dozens, or scores of crafters’ dreams. Surely not millions. Etsy’s not THAT popular.
May 24, 2011 at 12:05 pm
OK, when that ad comes up, click it. Because then, they’re paying money to be on Regretsy. And I loves me some good ironical fuckery.
May 24, 2011 at 1:35 pm
Hah. I noticed that. You’d think Google adds would be a wee bit smarter then that.
I clicked. I clicked like my brain cells depend upon it.
May 24, 2011 at 2:04 pm
Aborted babies get to heaven faster.
May 24, 2011 at 5:45 pm
A million for only a dime? If this is true, put them in charge of the economy.
May 24, 2011 at 11:17 am
Damn…and I was all ready for the Zombie Apocalypse.
May 24, 2011 at 11:20 am
The rapture happened. Unfortunately, due to budget cuts it was not as flashy as anticipated. Turns out it ended up being jesus in the desert with a kazoo and a balloon. He was escorted by four migrant workers on hobby horses.
May 24, 2011 at 12:17 pm
Goddammit! Why do we only get one thumbs up? I over clicked my mouse for this and broke it;)
May 24, 2011 at 11:29 am
magic Jesus eyes are watching
May 24, 2011 at 11:48 am
That reminds me of the old theory that a person’s eyes would reflect the very last thing they saw before they died.
Which makes this SHITTING TERRIFYING.
May 24, 2011 at 12:48 pm
Kind of sad it’s not true: the people in the Darwin Awards would have some pretty hilarious (and scary) images there… Can you think of the photos they’d generate? It’d make Regretsy look tame…
May 24, 2011 at 1:53 pm
that’s me. 62 year old Quaker. I’m tame. make me wild.
May 24, 2011 at 5:50 pm
Please Jesus, do not let me die while looking at glitter-encrusted, sculpted vuvlas. That is something that my parents should not have to deal with.
May 24, 2011 at 2:30 pm
Especially SHITTING TERRIFYING if you are an Etsy Reseller.
May 24, 2011 at 3:30 pm
A silly theory, but quite a few writers and filmmakers put it to good use (wasn’t Villiers de l’Isle-Adam the first one to do so?)
May 24, 2011 at 12:11 pm
I now hear “Magic Jesus Eyes” to the tune of “Betty Davis Eyes” and I’m wondering if I can find a karaoke track of that to record my new song…
May 26, 2011 at 12:04 pm
We’re going to be looking for that tune…hope you find the instrumental track!
May 24, 2011 at 11:37 am
Well, at least I got something out of it. Two of my contest photos made it onto Buzzfeed and Gizmodo’s “best rapturebombs” lists. Now I get to feel all cool and internet famous and shit.
May 24, 2011 at 6:31 pm
Congratulations, Evil! Keep in mind, however, that none of that shit is half as cool as being one of the “ELITE EIGHT(y-some thousand) that make up the clusterfuckery that is Regretsy.
May 24, 2011 at 11:40 am
I think the good Lord Jesus was so entertained by the Regretsy “Holy Flounce” on Saturday that he couldn’t tear himself away from the surveillance cameras (yes, he watches us on surveillance cameras) long enough to come get the “good people”.
May 24, 2011 at 11:57 am
Honestly, I think Jesus came down all invisible like so he could see who’s really really bat shit crazy with the bible interpretations so he knows where not to go for the Halloween candy when he comes back in October. That’s why the bastard is showing up 10 days early, that’s when the stores clear out all the stale shit from last year and start putting out the new shit. He wants to cheat us out of all the candy!
May 24, 2011 at 12:02 pm
No point getting upset about the rapture FAIL, its not like its the end of the world or something…oh wait…
May 24, 2011 at 12:10 pm
Oh, the guy it’s lots of fun. I was reading his facebook page yesterday (where people were writing things he said on his radio show).
He said things like he was glad the mother who tried to kill her kids wasn’t successful, “if there’s gonna be murder, leave it to God instead”.
He also said he won’t be giving any of the millions his fans sent because he’s still got pay his bills… Giving it back would be useless because the world is soon to end!
What a lovely old man.
May 24, 2011 at 12:12 pm
If you correct any typos you’re a false prophet.
May 24, 2011 at 1:30 pm
don’t you mean “false profit”?
ha!
May 24, 2011 at 8:04 pm
No, this rapture was strictly non-prophet.
May 24, 2011 at 12:18 pm
The proper term is “Rapt” not “Raptured”
May 24, 2011 at 12:40 pm
As in Gift Rapt.
You know, there’s barnloads of time between now and October… what WOULD the perfect gift be for a Rapture Shower?
Maybe those tiny book earrings, only in a Holy Book of your choice… unless it’s the Koran, or a King James version of the Bible.
May 24, 2011 at 6:36 pm
I’m a-thinkin’ that somebody isn’t “rapt” too tight.
May 24, 2011 at 12:25 pm
What I think is hilarious (not sure if its been talked about yet) are the christian groups basically bashing the “doomsday” Sayer. They all seem kinda irritated about his “worlds going to end” rantings.
May 24, 2011 at 12:56 pm
The Bible explicitly states in two different places that NO ONE will know when this is going to happen. Which doesn’t lend itself to a detailed analysis. No organized religion believed Camping.
Also, Jehovah’s Witnesses and Seventh Day Adventists were founded by disaffected followers of a doomsday prophet. So they’ve been calling BS on this for 150 years.
May 24, 2011 at 1:34 pm
I’m way more afraid of Gordon Ramsay then of Jesus.
May 24, 2011 at 2:00 pm
Yeah, I don’t think Jesus would throw up in my trash bin or yell at me about dead rats.
May 24, 2011 at 2:39 pm
Where do you think he would throw up?
May 24, 2011 at 6:03 pm
On Camping & Fred Phelps (the wack-job who pickets funerals).
May 24, 2011 at 1:50 pm
October 21st is my birthday. I think that means that I’m either Jesus or Satan. Either way, everyone should give me tithes, just in case.
May 24, 2011 at 5:11 pm
I read that as “give me titties”. I was about to post something super-special.
May 24, 2011 at 6:30 pm
My dad’s birthday is also October 21st. I’m going to tell him, “I was going to give you a present, but you wouldn’t live long enough to enjoy it, what with the Rapture and all. Happy birthday!”
He’s atheist. He’d laugh.
May 24, 2011 at 7:36 pm
Ooh that’s the day after my kid’s birthday. So that means I don’t have to host a birthday party for 30 shrieking 4 year olds. PRAISE THE LORD!
May 24, 2011 at 1:56 pm
Bottom line: the impatient fuckers got it all wrong. The earth will end in about 4 – 5 billion years when our sun becomes a red giant. REPENT TO YOUR GOD STEPHEN HAWKING NOW WHILE THREE IS TIME, BITCHES!!!
May 24, 2011 at 5:27 pm
If I find out that Michio Kaku is really Jesus, I’m going to feel really smart as I end up headed into a lake of nuclear fire.
May 24, 2011 at 1:58 pm
Jesus was going to start the rapture and then a crazy wombyn came up to him and asked him if he was breastfed, and demanded to know if his mother had mutilated him by having him circumcised. Jesus just turned the water in his upcycled water bottle into wine and is currently passed out on my couch.
May 24, 2011 at 2:07 pm
May 24, 2011 at 2:14 pm
Heh. Secret shoppers. I hate them. I was graded 95% by a secret shopper once. If I got 100% I would have got $100. Apparently at 95% I get nothing though.
To get the extra 5% I had to leave my checkout, and get the sewing machine off the shelf and physically hand it to her. I always wondered though, why a supermarket sold sewing machines…
May 24, 2011 at 2:33 pm
I got a 100% on my Secret Shopper when I was a cashier and didn’t even get a “Good job!” from my store. They did post the results where the rest of the cashiers could see it, and they were much nicer, although a few were jealous.
95%–”GOOD JOB!”
May 24, 2011 at 7:39 pm
Holy Secret Shopper: ‘Could you have a look out back? This soul looks used and dirty.’
May 24, 2011 at 2:16 pm
Mmm. Pound cake.
May 24, 2011 at 2:40 pm
We’re serving it in the Forums with Reisling. Or Moscato. Your choice.
May 24, 2011 at 4:37 pm
I’m making some tonight: Anita Baker’s recipe from “Beat This” cookbook.
May 24, 2011 at 5:55 pm
Shit. Bryant. Anita Bryant. Not Baker. Christ.
May 24, 2011 at 6:09 pm
Moscato. Always Moscato.
May 24, 2011 at 2:41 pm
That sounds so much better than 450 gram cake. I think I’ve finally found a reason why the US hasn’t gone metric like the rest of us.
May 24, 2011 at 9:18 pm
Yeah, we’re a bunch of fucking poets over here.
May 24, 2011 at 2:47 pm
Today is continuing good news for me today.
We get a second crack at this whole “Rapture” thing, and another one of my pics hit Regretsy. Fuckyeah. I’m ready for it now!!!
May 24, 2011 at 3:25 pm
- Hey, nobody’s seen Harold since last Saturday. Where is he? Has he been raptured?
- No, he’s just gone Camping.
May 24, 2011 at 4:23 pm
Nah, he showed back up. Six more weeks of winter.
May 24, 2011 at 3:35 pm
What we don’t realize is that the rapture WAS the other day.
Jesus was just so disappointed with the turn-out that he’s holding a ‘post-rapture rapture’. I hope you all mark your calendars this time.
May 24, 2011 at 5:19 pm
“Hey Rocky, watch me pull a Rapture out of this hat”
“Oh Camping, that trick NEVER works”
“This time for sure!”
May 24, 2011 at 5:19 pm
What a flying douche bag. He had no problem taking money from gullible followers who sold their possessions because they stupidly believed his message. I think…this is the only time it would be okay to trip one of the elderly.
May 24, 2011 at 6:18 pm
Jesus finished sharing words of love and peace and then asked “who among you will follow me?” Oral Roberts stepped forward and said “I will Lord.” Jerry Falwell and Pat Roberson also came forward and said “we will too Lord.” Fred Phelps said “I’ll join you too and bring the ‘God Hates Fags signs.’” Then Harold Camping said “me too God, and I’ll even predict the day of your return.” And Jesus wept.
May 24, 2011 at 6:24 pm
Aww, poor Harold was so baffled those first few days. It’s okay, Harry, being wrong happens to me all the time. It’s not the end of the world!
May 24, 2011 at 8:09 pm
Until Oct. 12.
May 24, 2011 at 9:16 pm
Why October 21st? Honestly, it isn’t bad enough I’ve got five birthdays to celebrate that month (including mine), plus my younger son and his boyfriend’s anniversary (11 years and counting). Now I’ve got to worry about the Rapture to?
Oh wait. Camping’s a loon and I never believed him in the first place.
Carry on.
May 26, 2011 at 10:15 am
I JUST realized… everyone got to take their “bacon for their love” along with them! How convenient!