Still waiting for Jesus
- Submitted by Brian
Well, I haven’t heard anything from Jesus yet, but I’m not worried. There was an accident on the 405 earlier, so he might still be in traffic. It’s crazy out there.
Anyway this could take a while, so I’m going to give you until midnight to submit your Holy Flounce™ pictures. If you’re getting here late, here’s how you enter.
So just keep going, and I’ll let you know when Jesus gets here and I have to take off.
Peace out.
May 21, 2011 at 8:32 pm
If I get Raptured, will someone up there please push me back down here? I wanna see who wins!
May 21, 2011 at 8:37 pm
Jesus runs Windows 7000. Don’t worry, you’ll see it.
May 21, 2011 at 8:42 pm
I have a Mac.
May 21, 2011 at 8:48 pm
Then you probably don’t have to worry about being raptured anyway.
May 21, 2011 at 9:02 pm
Mac users already have more blessings than could ever be counted. Heaven has nothing to offer them.
May 21, 2011 at 9:04 pm
http://articles.cnn.com/2011-05-19/tech/apple.religion_1_apple-store-apple-employees-brains?_s=PM%3ATECH
Apple triggers ‘religious’ reaction in fans’ brains, report says
May 21, 2011 at 9:10 pm
I think if I had a Prius, my sanctity would be complete. Or is that sanctimony? I get them confused.
May 21, 2011 at 9:19 pm
I tell people we have a mixed marriage: I have a Mac, the DH has a PC.
May 21, 2011 at 11:41 pm
http://i266.photobucket.com/albums/ii250/minisoda_bucket/legalaspect.jpg
May 21, 2011 at 8:33 pm
Hipster Jesus wears his beard ironically.
May 21, 2011 at 8:34 pm
mmmmmmmm coleslaw
May 21, 2011 at 8:36 pm
I wonder if it’s too late to put in special requests. I have a few people I’d like to see raptured. (Or burning in hell, either way works).
May 21, 2011 at 9:21 pm
I said if Phred Phelps and his Westboro Batshit Cult got raptured, I was going to burn my Bible.
May 21, 2011 at 8:43 pm
Good news for those of us who were not Raptured. Apparently sarcastic loser bitches don’t go to Hell, just to Heck (along with one of my favorites, Phil, Prince of Insufficent Light.)
May 21, 2011 at 8:43 pm
Damn!! Posted before adding this.
May 21, 2011 at 9:23 pm
*wonders if there is space for that on my resume*
May 21, 2011 at 8:43 pm
Hipster Jesus! Wow, my day just took a turn for AWESOME!
May 21, 2011 at 9:23 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
May 21, 2011 at 8:43 pm
Jesus may be breathing hard today, but he ain’t coming.
May 21, 2011 at 8:54 pm
yes.
May 21, 2011 at 9:17 pm
I’ve been making Rapture jokes like there’s no tomorrow.
(rimshot)
May 21, 2011 at 11:33 pm
I love you…
May 21, 2011 at 8:43 pm
Midnight is 3am for me.
Gonna have to wait until tomorrow to find out who wins!!
May 21, 2011 at 9:36 pm
But are the winners going to be announced at 3am? Because she said we have until then to post, so I’m guessing she’s not going to be done judging by then.
May 21, 2011 at 8:52 pm
To stay up til 3 or not to stay up til 3. That is the question that results in me being late for work.
May 21, 2011 at 8:58 pm
I’m not in the contest, but I have enjoyed all the Holy Flounces. I learned that many, many regretsians enjoy alcohol, drugs, eating on the toilet, and using sex toys- often enough that they’ll all get raptured that way. Who knew? Something new every day….
May 21, 2011 at 9:18 pm
Yes, there were a lot of coitus interaptureus photos, weren’t there? And cats. We are a cat loving bunch, apparently!
May 21, 2011 at 10:04 pm
The cats are here to help us flounce. Ironically, of course.
May 21, 2011 at 9:40 pm
I get weirded out when I see you post, like I have alternative personalities I don’t know about.
May 21, 2011 at 11:36 pm
they’re the best kind
May 21, 2011 at 8:59 pm
“ooh, can I try the macaroni salad instead? I don’t really like cole slaw.”
“NO! NO SUBSTITUTIONS DURING THE RAPTURE SPECIAL!”
May 21, 2011 at 10:09 pm
“NO COLESLAW FOR YOU!”
May 21, 2011 at 10:46 pm
I’m having macaroni salad for dinner. I don’t love coleslaw.
May 22, 2011 at 5:20 am
What about potato salad? The potatoes were boiled in glitter tears.
May 21, 2011 at 9:01 pm
I have a feeling Jesus is going to pull a Godot on us… But at least peeps are getting some cool shit out of it.
May 21, 2011 at 9:07 pm
I was on the road for most of the day, but I think I got something in on most of these. We don’t really have internet here (not that I’m admitting to anything less than lawful) but I hope something of mine made the cut. Everything looked awesome, so I don’t have a LOT of hope….good job, guys!!!
May 21, 2011 at 9:09 pm
May 21, 2011 at 9:10 pm
Needs hipster glasses. Anyone…?
May 21, 2011 at 9:28 pm
May 21, 2011 at 9:28 pm
they wound up a lil bit more… idk. But yeah. I tried
May 22, 2011 at 12:04 am
Oh Jeez! XD
May 21, 2011 at 9:09 pm
I was at Mass the hour before the supposed Rapture. Even the priest said the priestly equivalent of “lulz” to the whole thing.
May 21, 2011 at 9:31 pm
I called my religious-nut grandmother and even she called bullshit. And she was with her church-buddy at the time too.
May 21, 2011 at 9:11 pm
Sappy, but… damn do I love you guys. I’m not too snarky, so I generally lurk, but I love getting in on contests when I can. I’ve been having a royally shitty time of things lately, and regretsy always gives me something to laugh about. All your entries had me grinning from ear to ear, and it was fun trying to come up with shit that hadn’t already been done to perfection! I’m glad none of you seem to have been Raptured, I’d be awfully lonely.
May 21, 2011 at 9:49 pm
Regretsy is a good heart hurt pill isn’t it? I’ve been stalking like John Hinckley Jr. since my boyfriend broke up with me and I got sent back to the States.
May 21, 2011 at 9:57 pm
Hear ya loud and clear. It’s been a rough 2 years for my family right now, and if it wasn’t for the words “hillbilly bajingo wash”… I think we all would have snapped by now.
May 21, 2011 at 10:35 pm
Hang in there Bealert. I found Regretsy while going through some not so pleasant times too. Fingers crossed that things get better for you.
May 21, 2011 at 10:43 pm
Thank you, Knitten! You’re a sweetheart. (And we all know the best kind of sweethearts are the ones found on Regretsy!) I hope things are going much better for you too, and for you other commenters. Never forgetsy!
May 22, 2011 at 8:44 am
Hey knittin, I was reading some of the older posts on here, and clicked on your name which lead me to your blog. I live in Portland too, and would love to meet some other fiber artists! We should get coffee and annoy the hell out of some of the hipsters here. It would be fun!
May 21, 2011 at 11:45 pm
Regretsy kept me from completely losing it during the time my hubs was deployed, and my MIL slipped further into relig. Insanity. I am also more of a lurker. Regretsy makes my life. I’ll drink the regretsy kool aid.
May 22, 2011 at 1:29 pm
Regretsy got me through chemo, for which I’ll be eternally grateful. Everything else sucked except for y’all and ice cream!
May 21, 2011 at 9:12 pm
I thought I was being Raptured, but it turns out that it was just gas.
What a let down!
May 21, 2011 at 9:21 pm
I nearly spit nutella on my screen.
Yes, I’m eating nutella with a spoon. While sitting in bed. It’s my way of comforting myself for being left behind. Or something.
May 21, 2011 at 9:26 pm
There is no reason to make excuses for eating Nutella with a spoon. I understand completely.
May 21, 2011 at 11:41 pm
I didn’t even know there were other ways to eat nutella.
May 21, 2011 at 10:39 pm
I find apple slices a great substitute for a spoon when eating Nutella.
Hey, sometimes you’re too busy waiting for the rapturing to do the dishes.
May 22, 2011 at 12:00 am
OMG you guys! I just had to go get a spoonful of Nutella! I forgot I had it too! My husband was like WTF?
Don’t judge, this is why I’m fat
May 21, 2011 at 11:38 pm
I’ve been called a fat American for eating the following things with a spoon, straight from the container:
-Nutella
-Peanut Butter
-Ice Cream
-Shredded parmesan cheese
-Kozy shack pudding
There are more.
May 22, 2011 at 12:40 am
I’ll nom Parmesan in chunks. It’s brill with a glass of vino. Nomnomnom.
May 21, 2011 at 10:07 pm
That happened to me too! What I thought was the Rapture, turned out to be nothing more than the Crapture!
What I’m saying here is that my shit had an out of body experience….
May 21, 2011 at 9:14 pm
Thanks Brian, I just ended up biting my cheek by accident for the 5th time today because of your Photoshoppery!
But seriously, I love all the fuckery Regretsy fans make.
And don’t worry about the Rapture, Helen. Hipster Jesus is fashionably late… being on time is sooo mainstream.
May 21, 2011 at 10:01 pm
Glad I could make you inflict pain on yourself. lol
May 21, 2011 at 9:15 pm
I thought I was going to be to late since I slept through the Holy Flounce. But, my kids were really great sports. So was my dog.
May 21, 2011 at 9:17 pm
I’m impressed by the sheer quantity of cats, messy houses, and booze in the holy flounces.
May 21, 2011 at 11:42 pm
i’m just glad i’m not the only one
May 21, 2011 at 9:20 pm
i’m just disappointed no one at all seemed to like to picture i posted :/ my boyfriend and i laughed lol
May 21, 2011 at 9:29 pm
Maybe they just got lost in the shuffle? I know I missed some… I’m planning to go through them all again in a few days and savor them, haha!
May 21, 2011 at 10:05 pm
Yours was good! But have you noticed that many, many comments have no ratings either way? I think people are still working on their photos and not commenting or rating.
May 21, 2011 at 10:11 pm
ok, you’ve made me feel better antb
there was some great ones in there! i just wish i had photoshop haha
May 21, 2011 at 9:35 pm
I feel bad for whoever seriously hoped today was the day of Holy Flounce. Imagine them, outside and already naked to save Jesus the trouble, screaming obscenities and shaking their fists at the sky as soon as 6:01 hit.
On second thought, I don’t feel bad for them at all. I want video footage of that shit.
May 21, 2011 at 9:36 pm
It appears that our timing was just off. Jurassic Park is on ABC Family right now and the Raptors will be making their appearance shortly.
May 21, 2011 at 9:37 pm
May 21, 2011 at 9:39 pm
This. This, a million times.
May 21, 2011 at 9:55 pm
And if you see two shadows, Vashta Nerada! RUUUUN!
May 21, 2011 at 9:58 pm
But by then it’s too late!
May 21, 2011 at 9:40 pm
There should be some Honorable Mention categories.
Best Toilet Picture
Best Sex Toy Picture
Best Booze Picture
Best Cat Picture
Best Craftard Picture
Messiest House Award
Most Awesome Prop Award
May 21, 2011 at 9:51 pm
Best Position When Removed From Clothes Picture
Best Doc Picture
Special Effects FTW
Cheesiest Photo Manip Award
Best Left Behind Picture
Oh hell, they all rock.
May 21, 2011 at 10:04 pm
Great idea! They could get a bottle of hill billy bajingo wash. Or maybe an order of slaw?
May 22, 2011 at 12:03 am
If April doesn’t do anything like this, we should hold an awards ceremony on the forums.
May 22, 2011 at 12:32 am
I second that, they were all so great! My face and tummy ache from laughing XD
May 21, 2011 at 9:48 pm
I think I’m covered.
May 22, 2011 at 1:32 pm
Ick. No slaw porn, please.
May 21, 2011 at 10:00 pm
Since the Rapture was a non-event, I expect there will be a LOT of butthurt. I thought that, as part of Regretsy’s charity work, I would offer some sample flounce letters to God.
GOD,
I HAVE BEEN WAITING THE ENTIRE NOGHT FOR YOU BUT YOU LEFT ME BEHIND. THAT IS NOT ASSEPTABLE. EVERYONE THINKS YOU ARE LOVING BUT YOU ARE REALLY A FAT JEALOUS BITCH. YOU’R SON IS UNEMPLOYED WITH NO TALENT. HIS CARPENTRY IS NOT ON ETSY SO WHO IS HE TO JUDGE? DOES HE THINK THAT HE IS APRIL OR SOMETHING. YOU HAVE DEFILED MY WISHES AND IF YOU DO NOT GET ME OUT OF HERE AT OUNCE THEIR WILL BE CONSSEQENCES. I WILL CALL MY LAYER
May 21, 2011 at 10:02 pm
Fuck you you fuckers. You are nasty and mean spirited . Jesus is circumcised so you are a child molestor. So is Mother Mary as well as an ugly insufferable hag jew bitch. Even though he was breastfeed Jesus is really gay. Mary Magdalene is a cunt, lesbian jew whore. And both are tvulgar. And fat. Stop raping my dream or I will sue you with an attourny. Use you’re brains if you have them. LOL.
Ciao
Do you know the term “shit on my sandle” because that is what all of you are. Your religion is a cult-like mass of vomit. You do not have a lives and much be miserable. There is a difference Do you ever consider the damage you do to people.? There is a difference between funny and humiliating – you konw Judas killed himself because of you. I bet you laughed you mormons!
I am never, ever, ever, never coming back.
May 21, 2011 at 10:11 pm
Winced a bit at the first bit, but major thumbs up for “you know Judas killed himself because of you.” HA!
May 21, 2011 at 11:05 pm
Glad you liked the Judas bit. That was mine, as was changing “shoes” to “sandle” (misspelling intentional).
Please do realize that the “jew, leabian, gay, child molestor” stuff is taken directly from the butthurt section (admittely not directed to Jesus et. al but the actual words used) and are not the opinions of this jealous bitch loser. The fuck, cunt, bitch stuff is also quoted but I’ll own to using them too.
May 21, 2011 at 11:31 pm
You’ve done this before, haven’t you?
May 22, 2011 at 12:57 am
Hmm, depend what “this” is (very Clintonian don’t you think?)
If it is be snarkky bitch – answer yes
If it is mock asstartds – answer yes
It it is mock the Catholic church – yes again
If it is killing Judas- no, hadn’t joined Regretsy or a religion yet
If it is something else – I’ll plead the 5th unil I find out what “this” is.
May 21, 2011 at 10:03 pm
Is is midnight yet? Is it?? It’s 5pm here, and I think I’m 17 hours ahead or something like that… So it’s either midnight, or my math is terrible.
May 21, 2011 at 10:04 pm
So, it turns out my math is terrible.
May 21, 2011 at 10:11 pm
It’s 10:10 PM PST.
May 21, 2011 at 10:13 pm
it’s nearly past my bedtime is what it is :/ and yet here i wait..with all you fine ppl!
May 21, 2011 at 10:40 pm
Oh, I was looking at the wrong time zone thing. So my math isn’t that bad. Just my overall intelligence.
May 22, 2011 at 5:45 am
Did you take math at Oral Roberts University? Because apparently Harold Camping did:-p
May 22, 2011 at 7:04 am
So is Harold Camping’s.
May 21, 2011 at 10:11 pm
I might have not been raptured today but thanks to Regretsy, I also learned I don’t have the messiest house on earth. But I also learned I don’t have enough booze in the house to set up a good photoshoot. Since there will be a tomorrow, I need to remedy this. My pictures might have been missing the booze but I got an obligatory cat into one!
May 21, 2011 at 10:24 pm
I don’t have any booze and no cats in my pictures, but I have a sock monkey hat!
May 21, 2011 at 10:30 pm
And a monkey coffee cozy!
May 21, 2011 at 10:30 pm
Sock monkey hats are better than booze, cats and the second coming in so many ways.
May 21, 2011 at 10:41 pm
I had a Totoro hat in one of mine
May 21, 2011 at 10:30 pm
midnight for which time zone?!?!!?
May 21, 2011 at 10:31 pm
Pacific.
May 21, 2011 at 10:36 pm
damn, i didnt get home till midnight central time
May 21, 2011 at 10:43 pm
I made the front page of Regretsy! My life is complete. Now Jesus is going to rapture me ironically.
May 21, 2011 at 10:53 pm
I got rapture’d.
Uploaded with ImageShack.us
May 21, 2011 at 11:42 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_BXU_zjG1LU
May 21, 2011 at 10:59 pm
I don’t think I can wait any longer. I keep huffing cat hair hoping it will calm me down…
it doesn’t
May 21, 2011 at 11:04 pm
Trying hard to DEAL here, Helen… Did you say ‘Peace OUT’??? Is Rosie’OD there with you waiting for Jesus? He will NEVER come to your house now. Way to BLOW the whole wad… totally ALL your fault.
May 21, 2011 at 11:44 pm
Helen obviously was raptured…
…I think my writing essay due Monday was raptured as well. The document just has my name at the top…not a bunch of words and such that should be there. I know this doesn’t have anything to do with the fact that I’ve been refreshing Regretsy all day. REGRETSY CAUSED ME TO FAIL COLLEGE…AND I AM SUICIDAL – CALL MY ATTOURNEY!
May 22, 2011 at 12:11 am
Nahhhh. It’s just a TRICK, she’s caught’n her Pre-Rapture NAP,so’shedon’t show up in Heaven with bags under her iii’s (all three of ‘em)
May 21, 2011 at 11:07 pm
I’m seriously going to duck tape my eyes open.
May 21, 2011 at 11:37 pm
So, half an hour until something happens. I need to drink more.
May 21, 2011 at 11:53 pm
I don’t think I’ve waited this anxiously for anything since I believed in Santa Claus.
May 21, 2011 at 11:53 pm
RAPTURE AROUND THE WORLD!
May 22, 2011 at 12:08 am
Ok, now it’s midnight!
May 22, 2011 at 12:13 am
That it be. When do we find out who won what? I know I’m probably not winning anything (I’m entitled to hope though) but I wanna be nosy anyway.
May 22, 2011 at 12:09 am
What I loved best about today – besides the mad creativity – was seeing all the Regretsians’ sex toys come out to play. I think I counted at least 3 corded Hitachi wands. Y’all are some classy bishes!
May 22, 2011 at 12:48 am
I’ve spent the last hour looking at everyone’s entries, and have not laughed so hard in months. IMO, every entry is a winner.