I find it hard to believe that God dictated three CDs of poetry to this woman and the subject of clip art never came up.
Or thorazine, for that matter.
I like that God is apparently addressing us in formal business style.
“Oh God! Oh God!”
“Ill have what she’s having”
And there was me thinking I couldn’t get any more atheistic.
Volume 2 was called “Dear Resident.”
Now I wonder if when Moses descended from Mount Sinai if he brought back two tablets of commandments, a car insurance ad, and a Talbot’s catalogue addressed to the previous tenant.
Moses had to get his robes from somewhere! And you know how uppity those people from the Red Sea are! They’d totally judge. Those Talbot’s robes were totally worth the extra he payed for expedited shipping! They’re so lightweight and the colors are FAB!
I <3 you, Mapleleaves!
Apparently, God never mentioned crappy fonts, either. You would think he would have suggested a graphic designer at some point.
God probably would have suggested Comic Sans just for shit n giggles.
Oh, no…God is all about Papyrus…
just as bad.
Well, if it was his idea for her to format that puppy in Word, then I can definitely see him saying, “Oh, by the way… Comic Sans is revered up here in Heaven,” while snickering behind his cloud.
Er… the pagan in me forgot to capitalize “his” and “him” up there.
The kid in me still hates Frosted Mini Wheats.
That’s okay… the atheist in me never even noticed the lack of capitalization until you pointed it out )
Heck. I’m a Christian and I didn’t notice the lack of capitalization.
Anyway, everyone knows God uses Trebuchet.
Poem Number 32
To Whom it may Concern:
Roses are Red and you are blue. That’s a little sad. I feel a little bad. But you’re the dumbass that shelled out $10 of your hard-earned cash for the rantings of some crazy Etsy person. And really… I mean seriously… it could always be worse. You could be a fat, ugly, jealous loser living in rural Alaska. See? MUCH worse than being a fat ugly jealous loser living in [insert state here].
Peace out, God
Roses – Moses. Oh yes, I feel the spirit. I’m going to be talking in poems any minute
But I AM a fat, ugly, jealous loser living in rural Alaska. I should probably just kill myself huh?
Well, it could be worse… you could be a skinny pretty satisfied winner… but then you wouldn’t be part of Regretsy. We’re all fat ugly jealous losers here!
Regretsy is a fat ugly jealos communist loser!
who doesnt have SpellCheck
Now, now…let’s not get political.
I’d rather have massages from God. Oh, wait, there was that weekend in Sonoma…
“Opens with Adobe Reader or Microsoft Word”
I KNEW God hated Macs! Damn you to hell, Steve Jobs.
Clearly, she hasn’t gotten in on the “Jesus Phone” craze.
So you are confirming what I have thought all along; Steve Jobs = Devil.
I have an Aunt that would either be all over this or trying to literally burn her…
I feel left out!….I did’nt know god was now helping with internet sales!…I could use a good marketer!
Yes, quite a surprise to see God on Etsy. I thought that God only helped sports teams.
Don’t forget Grammy/Oscar winners. They are always thanking god for divine interference in the judging process.
If man was created in God’s image, God must look like Fred Flintstone or Captain Caveman. Or a Sleezstack
Will miracles never cease? From what I understand A Course in Miracles was all dictated by God. Or Jesus. (Sorry, I mix them up all the time). Back in the 70′s but no drugs were involved. Millions of their stuff has sold. Maybe this is the start of something BIG!
You can find related stuff on Etsy, too Maybe she should frame some of her messages, too, and sell them for 20.00 a pop.
Maybe she should take the course.
I hope I don’t go to hell.
I know. I am clearly off my meds. let me negative myself.
That is one of the more disturbing and unsettling “About Me” sections I have ever read.
I can imagine being accosted by this lady in the grocery store, asking me if I have accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior.
We had a woman stumble (literally) into our store after she’d fallen in the street. When the paramedics showed up, she kept yelling, “I don’t need you! I don’t need you! You need something, and I’ll tell you what, you need Jesus!”
I can’t hear the word Jesus now and not hear that screeching voice in my head.
No lie, one of my aunts actually used to give Christian tracts to nuns. We took a fun filled (read: now I know how living with Tom Cruise feels) cross-country Greyhound bus trip in which she stuffed all the ashtrays (Yes, they still allowed smoking on buses back then) with those teeny Bible tracts, because all smokers are sinners.
Her daughter didn’t wear pants until she was over 21 years old. When someone asked why, the daughter replied, “I was raised..extremely..Baptist.”
I thought that was the absolute nicest way she could possibly put it, without using vulgarity. (Like I would, of course!)
Well, according to Jack Chick, distributor of those tracts (and author of most), Catholics are not Christians and will go to hell unless saved. So she was just trying to help.
That’s because Jack Chick is a fucking retard.
I remember those things- they scared the crap out of me when I was a kid. 40 years later, now that I’m an atheist, they seem ridiculous, kinda like “Reefer Madness…
The thing that scared the bejesus (giggle) out of me was the 70s movie about the rapture. I swear it was called “Left Behind”, but waaay before those books came out.
The scene that sticks in my mind is a kitchen with the mixer still running, but no people. Tv on. Radio blaring.
I grew up in an Assemblies of God church. My elementary school was at the church. These themes were ingrained in my brain.
It freaked me out for years. Every time I would wake up to a similar scene, I would start freaking thinking the rapture had happened and I was all by myself.
One mans Church is another mans medical marijuana dispensary and here in LA on every corner there is either A church, a dispensary, or a Starbucks.
Are you talking about the About Me for the original post or the one Nana B posted? Cuz that second one is way more freaky, starting with the fact that they constantly refer to themselves by an acronym THAT THEY NEVER EXPLAIN THE MEANING OF. Plus of course a metric shit ton of religious crap that they made up.
Ha ha…. I probably should have clarified that I wasn’t prostelitizing for those Miracle peoples…seem to have freaked a lot of people out, judging from the negs I got..just thought it tied into the whole theme of this, kinda… out there.
got to find those meds…
That’s why you always put a can of pea soup into your cart to throw at them when they start throwing holy water at you. If you can, rotate your head a full 360* for good measure.
So, God told her to “share” and she takes that to mean “charge $10 for a CD that cost me less than $1 plus the effort of typing.”
Wow, that’s pretty screwed up.
Well, you know, there’s the gas surcharge for having to drive all that way to Walmart for the CD’s…
…God works in mysterious ways… SO YOU DON’T HAVE TOOOOOO
Yes God is a Scrubbing Bubble who sounds just like April’s dad
yes, I know I’m rambling. I’m old. but what I am wondering is, if God gave her the gift of the written word
how come she didn’t give it to me?
and if she didn’t give it to me
I am going to hell.
and by “she”, I mean God.
not that lady.
if there is a God
he had better be a she
Personally I don’t think God would have a gender. What would be the point? Is he going to mate with someone?
According to old texts, He did have a wife before She (do you capitalize “She” in this case?) was “forgotten” and changed into vague references to a “Sacred Tree”.
Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company (M. Twain). See you there!
Can we carpool?
Was planning on taking a handbasket, not a car, but will make sure it is a large one.
Actually, Abby, I was going to take one of those lovely passenger vans. I’ll take whomever can fit! Heck, I’m sure I can fit the handbasket too if we squeeze! I don’t have one of those special licenses, but since we’re going to Hell anyway I figure it doesn’t really matter. Either way, I’d be happy to take you
I’ve got the handicapped tag for the window so we can get priority parking!
Save me a seat! I’ll be in line getting us drinks. I know they’ll be well vodka, but hey! Beggars can’t be choosers. I’m just worried that the only mixer will be diet cola. Because, at that point, who really needs to worry about calories or sugar?
I am feeling better, especially with the drinks. Going into Etsy now looking for the hand basket Alice mentioned. I do think it’s the only way to go.
Meet you all inside the inferno.
We’ve got ourselves a convoy. (I must be in the grip of the Devil because I’m posting in 1970s songs this afternoon.)
Just bring water – God’s son knows this great trick that makes the water all red and sour tasting URP!
I’m bringing vegetarian marshmallows. The yummy ones by Sweet and Sara. If someone else is willing to stick chocolate and graham crackers in their handbasket we’ll be all set!
Hate to be the one to break it to ya, but all things vegetarian automatically turn directly into pure meat once they cross the thresholds of hell. Meat on a stick. Meat candy. Meat salads. (Don’t ask how he makes that one work unless you *really* want to hear a long, long story.)
Meat! Meat! Meat! Meat! Meat! (I was singing that to the tune of “Rent”. Sorry.)
I LIKE meat, not so much with the veggies (although maybe veggie marshmallows). Since it will be hell does this mean mine will turn into beets?
Oh no! I’ve been a vegetarian for half my life now. Sniff… well it’s too late to change my travel plans.
I hate when people bogart!
If God really wanted to give us the “gift of the written word” She’d just post it on her blog. I bet her servers never crash.
But then she’d never be able to afford the “little helpers” who enable her to actually have tea with God.
God drinks whiskey, not tea (so She told me).
Maybe that’s what I’m doing wrong! Gah! Johnny Walker, NOT Earl Grey!
God wouldn’t lose anything if they did. After all, Jesus saves.
Love it! And I’ve been getting it wrong all these years. I thought that meant Jesus had a retirement fund.
No, it means Jesus plays hockey.
Nah… he clips coupons
He kills on Supermarket Sweep. Well. Not literally. That whole “shall not kill” thing, ya know.
Jesus saves… but Moses invests.
and Mohammed (Peace be on him) Receives Royalties
Well, Jesus received royalties !
At least, he did, once, when still a baby. And they brought gifts.
I love that shirt with Jesus blocking the goal. Velasquez shoots. HE saves!
My favorite bumper sticker ever:
Jesus saves sinners
And redeems them for valuable prizes.
I’d put that on my car….and I do consider myself an (irreverent) spiritual person.
The Devil is in the details.
And in Microsoft Word.
He looks like a paperclip.
Really? I thought he’d gone down to Georgia.
Lookin’ for a soul to steal.
But then he found out it was cheaper to buy them on Etsy.
And then resell them?
Was it a repurposed soul?
Vintage, Upcycled Souls?
I’ll take a dozen Steampunk Souls myself. They do sell them by the dozen, right?
Must roll them in glue & glitter before selling.
Sparkles, I’m sure you can get them cheaper on AliBaba.com
No. The devil is a golden fiddler reseller on etsy. The shop is called breadpanpickin’. He’s had it for years. But you probably haven’t heard of it.
Hey, I liked that store before it was cool.
Either way, I’m livin’ for givin’ him his due…
Hmmmm…wonder who you might be. lol!
Hmm, doesn’t Etsy get a cut of every sale? It’s “due” if you will? You don’t that Etsy is…no, that just silly. Or is it?
“That is fucking bullshit, because I would not be caught dead in Georgia, OK. It’s like, oh my god!”
–Beelz (Stephen Lynch)
Love that song!
I started a Pandora station that mainly features Stephen Lynch, Weird Al, Jonathan Coulton, and the like. Makes for a fun commute.
It’s me again Margaret…they got me. But when I get out, I’m coming by with a weed whacker and some peach preserves Margaret. http://youtu.be/Zs4P8WKbF-w Ray Stevens was the best.
So that’s why I’ve never been able to communicate with God. I can’t process pdfs.
What better to listen to when one just wants to strangle oneself with self-loathing and bitterness…
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God is love
He’s what I’m thinking of
It’s Him I love
Sometimes he’s a dove
Watching us from above
And showering us with love
I find that doves usually shower something else on me, from above.
Doves are just pigeons – which makes them rats with wings. I never thought them the best choice for a religious icon.
“It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.”
You know, if God spoke to me, I’d put the Good News on the Web for people to see for free. I’d want to reach as many people as possible, and I wouldn’t want to make them wait while I processed their orders.
Then again, I wouldn’t be taking any money from the faithful, and that would be very unAmerican. And unChristian.
But it would be very Etsy.
Nope. The correct religious model is pay-per-view. Like Scientology.
Jesus loves me… but I still make him wear a condom.
Mary Magdalene, is that you?
God talks to me all the time. He told me to tell you that he loves each and every one of you, but I’m his favorite.
Hence your name.
At first I read USD as “USED” and thought, “What, is this supposed to be vintage, too?”
Messages from God
by Mary M Hardy
I have to agree with others in this thread. If she really, truly, deeply, in her heart of hearts believed what she is peddling, she wouldn’t put her byline on it, it wouldn’t be copyright, and she wouldn’t be charging $10.
She might believe she believes, but she doesn’t really.
“God is speaking to me. I must copyright it.” is not something that would occur to the devout nutter.
Perhaps the devil made her do it.
Satan = plagiarist
“God is speaking to me. I must copyright it.”
That is pure awesomeness, right there.
And…how did this nut come up with the $10 price point? Depending on your point of view that’s either way too much or way too little.
Wow, if only Jesus would have waited a few eons… he’d have gotten loaded on cash!!
I am so going to hell for that
relax, you are just getting bad karma points for that.
A question to lawyers, who does the copyright belong to in this case – to God or to Mary M. Hardy? Because if it belongs to God – I’m his child and believe I should be paid royalties from the sales of this cd…
I just checked her sales history, she hasn’t sold a single cd… And I could so much do with extra cash right now…
Good question. Crazy Mary “claims” that God gave her the poems as gift. If so they are hers to use as she sees fit. However, if she just overheard God mumbling bad poetry and copied it down maybe you have a case. I’m thinking that not God in her right mind would admit to creating those but she did make roaches, mosquitos, beets, glitter, and Mtraub so you never know.
But could the gift be used to generate profit? I can give my painting as a gift yet retain all copyright… Anyhow, no case here as she hasn’t sold a single cd…. I wish God would wisper her some marketing tips as well.
Listen, God should have had the foresight to copyright his material before sharing it with Ms. Hardy.
If God WERE really talking to her, once she started cashing in on him, I imagine he would have quit. I mean, it wasn’t like he was charging HER for the privilege.
One of my favorites:
Jesus loves me, but I’m getting on his last nerve today.
oh, but isn’t that barnwood in the background?
After one listen, if you get that far, and you have a $10 background for your pompom jewelry pix!
Remember, it’s all about taking the best pictures to get yourself noticed on Etsy! (That, and make sure it’s listed for $4 and under, the lower the price, the more Etsy likes it.)
I wish someone would buy this and share it with the rest of us. I’ll bet it’s marvelous.
Is it just my monitor, or is that CD PINK?
God his secure enough in His Manhood Godhood to put out some pink discs.
It isn’t manhood or Godhood that I’m worrying about. I’m afraid that that next step will be glitter or perhaps googly eyes.
The pink is because it’s a photo of the footprints in the sand, from that old poem. But as for the glitter and googly eyes, would they really be that bad?
Crap. Now it’s staring at me like it wants my soul. Never mind.
Blue elefant ear on one side and a thread on the other would go nicesly with this:)
I question her sense of morals. After all, God gave Moses the Ten Commandments, and I don’t recall him charging the Hebrew Children a fee to listen to him read them when he came down off the mountain.
Of course, there was that whole business with the golden calf and him breaking the original and having to get a replacement, but he still didn’t charge for reading it.
Moses didn’t have Etsy.
Stitch that on a sampler….
Jesus Saves, but God keeps a back-up copy.
Everyone knows that God is a Mac fan, so I find the use of Microsoft Word suspicious!
If God is so phrophetic, why didn’t he tell Mary about podcasts 20 years ago?
Looking at her other messages from God, they all seem to be written FROM Mary Hardy, TO God. So which one is it? Is it from God or Mary?
GET IT RIGHT WOMAN!
God probably appeared to her in the form of that little microsoft paperclip that interfers in your work : “maybe use some clip art…now jazz up the font with word art…”
“You seem to be creating some crap for Etsy. Do you need any help?
That paper clip looks like it’s trying to seduce me.
Paperclip’s a slut.
So, wait, now it’s the devil AND God using the paper clip? Holy crap!
Well, the Mormons say that Jesus and Satan are bros (IIRC) so mebby he just borrowed it from Dad…
Wanmus beloas haben FEEEEEEEELEMANAOS OFFHEROCKER!! :O Are there any Pentecostals in here? My computer seems to be speaking in tongues.
I’m afraid we’re making fun of someone with, shall we say, an alternative view of the world.
(Of course, i’m not really frightened. That was purely rhetorical.)
If we stop then the Estyians have won the War on Shoddy Busy Principles.
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