Are You There, Margaret? It’s Me, God
I find it hard to believe that God dictated three CDs of poetry to this woman and the subject of clip art never came up.
151 comments on Are You There, Margaret? It’s Me, God
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May 7, 2011 at 1:32 pm
Or thorazine, for that matter.
May 7, 2011 at 1:33 pm
I like that God is apparently addressing us in formal business style.
May 8, 2011 at 3:12 pm
“Oh God! Oh God!”
“Ill have what she’s having”
May 7, 2011 at 1:34 pm
And there was me thinking I couldn’t get any more atheistic.
May 7, 2011 at 1:36 pm
Volume 2 was called “Dear Resident.”
Now I wonder if when Moses descended from Mount Sinai if he brought back two tablets of commandments, a car insurance ad, and a Talbot’s catalogue addressed to the previous tenant.
May 7, 2011 at 1:49 pm
Moses had to get his robes from somewhere! And you know how uppity those people from the Red Sea are! They’d totally judge. Those Talbot’s robes were totally worth the extra he payed for expedited shipping! They’re so lightweight and the colors are FAB!
May 8, 2011 at 1:16 pm
I <3 you, Mapleleaves!
May 7, 2011 at 1:37 pm
Apparently, God never mentioned crappy fonts, either. You would think he would have suggested a graphic designer at some point.
May 7, 2011 at 1:52 pm
God probably would have suggested Comic Sans just for shit n giggles.
May 7, 2011 at 1:59 pm
Oh, no…God is all about Papyrus…
just as bad.
May 7, 2011 at 2:01 pm
Well, if it was his idea for her to format that puppy in Word, then I can definitely see him saying, “Oh, by the way… Comic Sans is revered up here in Heaven,” while snickering behind his cloud.
May 7, 2011 at 2:04 pm
Er… the pagan in me forgot to capitalize “his” and “him” up there.
The kid in me still hates Frosted Mini Wheats.
May 7, 2011 at 3:01 pm
That’s okay… the atheist in me never even noticed the lack of capitalization until you pointed it out
)
May 8, 2011 at 8:25 pm
Heck. I’m a Christian and I didn’t notice the lack of capitalization.
Anyway, everyone knows God uses Trebuchet.
May 7, 2011 at 1:43 pm
Poem Number 32
To Whom it may Concern:
Roses are Red and you are blue. That’s a little sad. I feel a little bad. But you’re the dumbass that shelled out $10 of your hard-earned cash for the rantings of some crazy Etsy person. And really… I mean seriously… it could always be worse. You could be a fat, ugly, jealous loser living in rural Alaska. See? MUCH worse than being a fat ugly jealous loser living in [insert state here].
Peace out, God
May 7, 2011 at 2:28 pm
Roses – Moses. Oh yes, I feel the spirit. I’m going to be talking in poems any minute
May 7, 2011 at 4:30 pm
But I AM a fat, ugly, jealous loser living in rural Alaska. I should probably just kill myself huh?
May 7, 2011 at 8:37 pm
Well, it could be worse… you could be a skinny pretty satisfied winner… but then you wouldn’t be part of Regretsy. We’re all fat ugly jealous losers here!
May 8, 2011 at 2:58 pm
Regretsy is a fat ugly jealos communist loser!
May 8, 2011 at 3:00 pm
who doesnt have SpellCheck
May 9, 2011 at 11:30 pm
Now, now…let’s not get political.
May 7, 2011 at 1:48 pm
I’d rather have massages from God. Oh, wait, there was that weekend in Sonoma…
May 7, 2011 at 1:51 pm
“Opens with Adobe Reader or Microsoft Word”
I KNEW God hated Macs! Damn you to hell, Steve Jobs.
May 7, 2011 at 2:16 pm
Clearly, she hasn’t gotten in on the “Jesus Phone” craze.
May 7, 2011 at 4:45 pm
So you are confirming what I have thought all along; Steve Jobs = Devil.
May 7, 2011 at 1:51 pm
I have an Aunt that would either be all over this or trying to literally burn her…
May 7, 2011 at 1:53 pm
I feel left out!….I did’nt know god was now helping with internet sales!…I could use a good marketer!
May 7, 2011 at 2:05 pm
Yes, quite a surprise to see God on Etsy. I thought that God only helped sports teams.
May 7, 2011 at 9:49 pm
Don’t forget Grammy/Oscar winners. They are always thanking god for divine interference in the judging process.
May 8, 2011 at 3:04 pm
If man was created in God’s image, God must look like Fred Flintstone or Captain Caveman. Or a Sleezstack
May 7, 2011 at 1:53 pm
Will miracles never cease? From what I understand A Course in Miracles was all dictated by God. Or Jesus. (Sorry, I mix them up all the time). Back in the 70′s but no drugs were involved. Millions of their stuff has sold. Maybe this is the start of something BIG!
You can find related stuff on Etsy, too Maybe she should frame some of her messages, too, and sell them for 20.00 a pop.
Maybe she should take the course.
I hope I don’t go to hell.
May 7, 2011 at 2:25 pm
I know. I am clearly off my meds. let me negative myself.
May 7, 2011 at 1:54 pm
That is one of the more disturbing and unsettling “About Me” sections I have ever read.
I can imagine being accosted by this lady in the grocery store, asking me if I have accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior.
May 7, 2011 at 2:10 pm
We had a woman stumble (literally) into our store after she’d fallen in the street. When the paramedics showed up, she kept yelling, “I don’t need you! I don’t need you! You need something, and I’ll tell you what, you need Jesus!”
I can’t hear the word Jesus now and not hear that screeching voice in my head.
May 7, 2011 at 2:21 pm
No lie, one of my aunts actually used to give Christian tracts to nuns. We took a fun filled (read: now I know how living with Tom Cruise feels) cross-country Greyhound bus trip in which she stuffed all the ashtrays (Yes, they still allowed smoking on buses back then) with those teeny Bible tracts, because all smokers are sinners.
Her daughter didn’t wear pants until she was over 21 years old. When someone asked why, the daughter replied, “I was raised..extremely..Baptist.”
I thought that was the absolute nicest way she could possibly put it, without using vulgarity. (Like I would, of course!)
May 7, 2011 at 2:26 pm
Well, according to Jack Chick, distributor of those tracts (and author of most), Catholics are not Christians and will go to hell unless saved. So she was just trying to help.
May 7, 2011 at 2:32 pm
That’s because Jack Chick is a fucking retard.
May 7, 2011 at 2:55 pm
I remember those things- they scared the crap out of me when I was a kid. 40 years later, now that I’m an atheist, they seem ridiculous, kinda like “Reefer Madness…
May 7, 2011 at 3:39 pm
The thing that scared the bejesus (giggle) out of me was the 70s movie about the rapture. I swear it was called “Left Behind”, but waaay before those books came out.
The scene that sticks in my mind is a kitchen with the mixer still running, but no people. Tv on. Radio blaring.
I grew up in an Assemblies of God church. My elementary school was at the church. These themes were ingrained in my brain.
It freaked me out for years. Every time I would wake up to a similar scene, I would start freaking thinking the rapture had happened and I was all by myself.
May 8, 2011 at 3:09 pm
One mans Church is another mans medical marijuana dispensary and here in LA on every corner there is either A church, a dispensary, or a Starbucks.
May 7, 2011 at 2:47 pm
Are you talking about the About Me for the original post or the one Nana B posted? Cuz that second one is way more freaky, starting with the fact that they constantly refer to themselves by an acronym THAT THEY NEVER EXPLAIN THE MEANING OF. Plus of course a metric shit ton of religious crap that they made up.
May 7, 2011 at 3:11 pm
Ha ha…. I probably should have clarified that I wasn’t prostelitizing for those Miracle peoples…seem to have freaked a lot of people out, judging from the negs I got..just thought it tied into the whole theme of this, kinda… out there.
got to find those meds…
May 9, 2011 at 11:38 am
That’s why you always put a can of pea soup into your cart to throw at them when they start throwing holy water at you. If you can, rotate your head a full 360* for good measure.
May 7, 2011 at 1:55 pm
So, God told her to “share” and she takes that to mean “charge $10 for a CD that cost me less than $1 plus the effort of typing.”
Wow, that’s pretty screwed up.
May 7, 2011 at 2:05 pm
Well, you know, there’s the gas surcharge for having to drive all that way to Walmart for the CD’s…
May 8, 2011 at 3:19 pm
…God works in mysterious ways… SO YOU DON’T HAVE TOOOOOO
Yes God is a Scrubbing Bubble who sounds just like April’s dad
May 7, 2011 at 1:56 pm
afterthought:
yes, I know I’m rambling. I’m old. but what I am wondering is, if God gave her the gift of the written word
how come she didn’t give it to me?
and if she didn’t give it to me
who did?
I am going to hell.
May 7, 2011 at 1:58 pm
and by “she”, I mean God.
not that lady.
if there is a God
he had better be a she
end.
May 7, 2011 at 5:11 pm
Personally I don’t think God would have a gender. What would be the point? Is he going to mate with someone?
May 7, 2011 at 7:39 pm
According to old texts, He did have a wife before She (do you capitalize “She” in this case?) was “forgotten” and changed into vague references to a “Sacred Tree”.
May 7, 2011 at 2:11 pm
Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company (M. Twain). See you there!
May 7, 2011 at 2:14 pm
Can we carpool?
May 7, 2011 at 2:23 pm
Was planning on taking a handbasket, not a car, but will make sure it is a large one.
May 7, 2011 at 3:13 pm
Actually, Abby, I was going to take one of those lovely passenger vans. I’ll take whomever can fit! Heck, I’m sure I can fit the handbasket too if we squeeze! I don’t have one of those special licenses, but since we’re going to Hell anyway I figure it doesn’t really matter. Either way, I’d be happy to take you
May 7, 2011 at 4:27 pm
I’ve got the handicapped tag for the window so we can get priority parking!
May 7, 2011 at 2:23 pm
Save me a seat! I’ll be in line getting us drinks. I know they’ll be well vodka, but hey! Beggars can’t be choosers. I’m just worried that the only mixer will be diet cola. Because, at that point, who really needs to worry about calories or sugar?
May 7, 2011 at 2:36 pm
I am feeling better, especially with the drinks. Going into Etsy now looking for the hand basket Alice mentioned. I do think it’s the only way to go.
Meet you all inside the inferno.
May 7, 2011 at 3:01 pm
We’ve got ourselves a convoy. (I must be in the grip of the Devil because I’m posting in 1970s songs this afternoon.)
May 8, 2011 at 3:26 pm
Just bring water – God’s son knows this great trick that makes the water all red and sour tasting URP!
May 7, 2011 at 3:05 pm
I’m bringing vegetarian marshmallows. The yummy ones by Sweet and Sara. If someone else is willing to stick chocolate and graham crackers in their handbasket we’ll be all set!
May 7, 2011 at 3:17 pm
Hate to be the one to break it to ya, but all things vegetarian automatically turn directly into pure meat once they cross the thresholds of hell. Meat on a stick. Meat candy. Meat salads. (Don’t ask how he makes that one work unless you *really* want to hear a long, long story.)
Meat! Meat! Meat! Meat! Meat! (I was singing that to the tune of “Rent”. Sorry.)
May 7, 2011 at 4:53 pm
I LIKE meat, not so much with the veggies (although maybe veggie marshmallows). Since it will be hell does this mean mine will turn into beets?
May 8, 2011 at 1:05 pm
Oh no! I’ve been a vegetarian for half my life now. Sniff… well it’s too late to change my travel plans.
May 8, 2011 at 3:21 pm
I hate when people bogart!
May 7, 2011 at 2:02 pm
If God really wanted to give us the “gift of the written word” She’d just post it on her blog. I bet her servers never crash.
May 7, 2011 at 2:06 pm
But then she’d never be able to afford the “little helpers” who enable her to actually have tea with God.
May 7, 2011 at 2:10 pm
God drinks whiskey, not tea (so She told me).
May 7, 2011 at 2:12 pm
Maybe that’s what I’m doing wrong! Gah! Johnny Walker, NOT Earl Grey!
May 7, 2011 at 2:08 pm
God wouldn’t lose anything if they did. After all, Jesus saves.
May 7, 2011 at 2:15 pm
Love it! And I’ve been getting it wrong all these years. I thought that meant Jesus had a retirement fund.
May 7, 2011 at 2:21 pm
No, it means Jesus plays hockey.
May 7, 2011 at 2:52 pm
And coaches.
May 7, 2011 at 3:07 pm
Nah… he clips coupons
May 7, 2011 at 3:19 pm
He kills on Supermarket Sweep. Well. Not literally. That whole “shall not kill” thing, ya know.
May 7, 2011 at 2:23 pm
Jesus saves… but Moses invests.
May 7, 2011 at 3:38 pm
and Mohammed (Peace be on him) Receives Royalties
May 8, 2011 at 6:21 am
Well, Jesus received royalties !
At least, he did, once, when still a baby. And they brought gifts.
May 7, 2011 at 2:24 pm
I love that shirt with Jesus blocking the goal. Velasquez shoots. HE saves!
May 7, 2011 at 2:50 pm
My favorite bumper sticker ever:
Jesus saves sinners
And redeems them for valuable prizes.
May 7, 2011 at 5:01 pm
I’d put that on my car….and I do consider myself an (irreverent) spiritual person.
May 7, 2011 at 2:03 pm
The Devil is in the details.
May 7, 2011 at 2:07 pm
And in Microsoft Word.
May 7, 2011 at 2:48 pm
He looks like a paperclip.
May 7, 2011 at 2:08 pm
Really? I thought he’d gone down to Georgia.
May 7, 2011 at 2:08 pm
Lookin’ for a soul to steal.
But then he found out it was cheaper to buy them on Etsy.
May 7, 2011 at 2:13 pm
And then resell them?
May 7, 2011 at 2:15 pm
Was it a repurposed soul?
May 7, 2011 at 2:17 pm
Vintage, Upcycled Souls?
I’ll take a dozen Steampunk Souls myself. They do sell them by the dozen, right?
May 7, 2011 at 2:20 pm
Must roll them in glue & glitter before selling.
May 7, 2011 at 2:22 pm
Sparkles, I’m sure you can get them cheaper on AliBaba.com
May 7, 2011 at 2:28 pm
No. The devil is a golden fiddler reseller on etsy. The shop is called breadpanpickin’. He’s had it for years. But you probably haven’t heard of it.
May 7, 2011 at 2:51 pm
Hey, I liked that store before it was cool.
May 7, 2011 at 2:28 pm
Either way, I’m livin’ for givin’ him his due…
May 7, 2011 at 2:34 pm
May 7, 2011 at 2:40 pm
Hmmmm…wonder who you might be. lol!
May 7, 2011 at 4:35 pm
Hmm, doesn’t Etsy get a cut of every sale? It’s “due” if you will? You don’t that Etsy is…no, that just silly. Or is it?
May 7, 2011 at 5:15 pm
“That is fucking bullshit, because I would not be caught dead in Georgia, OK. It’s like, oh my god!”
–Beelz (Stephen Lynch)
May 7, 2011 at 6:04 pm
Love that song!
May 7, 2011 at 6:29 pm
I started a Pandora station that mainly features Stephen Lynch, Weird Al, Jonathan Coulton, and the like. Makes for a fun commute.
May 7, 2011 at 2:03 pm
It’s me again Margaret…they got me. But when I get out, I’m coming by with a weed whacker and some peach preserves Margaret. http://youtu.be/Zs4P8WKbF-w Ray Stevens was the best.
May 7, 2011 at 2:04 pm
So that’s why I’ve never been able to communicate with God. I can’t process pdfs.
May 7, 2011 at 2:07 pm
What better to listen to when one just wants to strangle oneself with self-loathing and bitterness…
May 7, 2011 at 2:10 pm
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May 7, 2011 at 2:21 pm
I find that doves usually shower something else on me, from above.
May 7, 2011 at 5:03 pm
Doves are just pigeons – which makes them rats with wings. I never thought them the best choice for a religious icon.
May 7, 2011 at 2:17 pm
“It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.”
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May 7, 2011 at 2:19 pm
May 7, 2011 at 2:19 pm
You know, if God spoke to me, I’d put the Good News on the Web for people to see for free. I’d want to reach as many people as possible, and I wouldn’t want to make them wait while I processed their orders.
Then again, I wouldn’t be taking any money from the faithful, and that would be very unAmerican. And unChristian.
May 7, 2011 at 2:22 pm
But it would be very Etsy.
May 8, 2011 at 8:36 pm
Nope. The correct religious model is pay-per-view. Like Scientology.
May 7, 2011 at 2:24 pm
Jesus loves me… but I still make him wear a condom.
May 7, 2011 at 2:32 pm
Mary Magdalene, is that you?
May 7, 2011 at 2:34 pm
God talks to me all the time. He told me to tell you that he loves each and every one of you, but I’m his favorite.
May 8, 2011 at 1:30 pm
Hence your name.
May 7, 2011 at 2:46 pm
At first I read USD as “USED” and thought, “What, is this supposed to be vintage, too?”
May 7, 2011 at 2:58 pm
Messages from God
by Mary M Hardy
Copyright 2008
I have to agree with others in this thread. If she really, truly, deeply, in her heart of hearts believed what she is peddling, she wouldn’t put her byline on it, it wouldn’t be copyright, and she wouldn’t be charging $10.
She might believe she believes, but she doesn’t really.
“God is speaking to me. I must copyright it.” is not something that would occur to the devout nutter.
May 7, 2011 at 3:15 pm
Perhaps the devil made her do it.
May 8, 2011 at 6:18 am
Satan = plagiarist
May 7, 2011 at 5:02 pm
“God is speaking to me. I must copyright it.”
That is pure awesomeness, right there.
And…how did this nut come up with the $10 price point? Depending on your point of view that’s either way too much or way too little.
May 7, 2011 at 3:29 pm
Wow, if only Jesus would have waited a few eons… he’d have gotten loaded on cash!!
I am so going to hell for that
May 7, 2011 at 4:32 pm
relax, you are just getting bad karma points for that.
May 7, 2011 at 4:28 pm
A question to lawyers, who does the copyright belong to in this case – to God or to Mary M. Hardy? Because if it belongs to God – I’m his child and believe I should be paid royalties from the sales of this cd…
May 7, 2011 at 5:06 pm
I just checked her sales history, she hasn’t sold a single cd… And I could so much do with extra cash right now…
May 7, 2011 at 5:12 pm
Good question. Crazy Mary “claims” that God gave her the poems as gift. If so they are hers to use as she sees fit. However, if she just overheard God mumbling bad poetry and copied it down maybe you have a case. I’m thinking that not God in her right mind would admit to creating those but she did make roaches, mosquitos, beets, glitter, and Mtraub so you never know.
May 7, 2011 at 5:23 pm
But could the gift be used to generate profit? I can give my painting as a gift yet retain all copyright… Anyhow, no case here as she hasn’t sold a single cd…. I wish God would wisper her some marketing tips as well.
May 7, 2011 at 5:17 pm
Listen, God should have had the foresight to copyright his material before sharing it with Ms. Hardy.
May 7, 2011 at 5:21 pm
fair point!
May 7, 2011 at 5:05 pm
If God WERE really talking to her, once she started cashing in on him, I imagine he would have quit. I mean, it wasn’t like he was charging HER for the privilege.
One of my favorites:
Jesus loves me, but I’m getting on his last nerve today.
May 7, 2011 at 5:14 pm
oh, but isn’t that barnwood in the background?
After one listen, if you get that far, and you have a $10 background for your pompom jewelry pix!
Remember, it’s all about taking the best pictures to get yourself noticed on Etsy! (That, and make sure it’s listed for $4 and under, the lower the price, the more Etsy likes it.)
May 7, 2011 at 5:18 pm
I wish someone would buy this and share it with the rest of us. I’ll bet it’s marvelous.
May 7, 2011 at 5:19 pm
Is it just my monitor, or is that CD PINK?
May 7, 2011 at 6:09 pm
God his secure enough in His
ManhoodGodhood to put out some pink discs.May 7, 2011 at 6:39 pm
It isn’t manhood or Godhood that I’m worrying about. I’m afraid that that next step will be glitter or perhaps googly eyes.
May 8, 2011 at 10:25 am
The pink is because it’s a photo of the footprints in the sand, from that old poem. But as for the glitter and googly eyes, would they really be that bad?
wait…
Crap. Now it’s staring at me like it wants my soul. Never mind.
May 8, 2011 at 11:26 am
Blue elefant ear on one side and a thread on the other would go nicesly with this:)
May 7, 2011 at 5:44 pm
I question her sense of morals. After all, God gave Moses the Ten Commandments, and I don’t recall him charging the Hebrew Children a fee to listen to him read them when he came down off the mountain.
Of course, there was that whole business with the golden calf and him breaking the original and having to get a replacement, but he still didn’t charge for reading it.
May 7, 2011 at 6:36 pm
Moses didn’t have Etsy.
May 8, 2011 at 6:21 am
Stitch that on a sampler….
May 7, 2011 at 8:28 pm
Jesus Saves, but God keeps a back-up copy.
May 7, 2011 at 6:16 pm
Everyone knows that God is a Mac fan, so I find the use of Microsoft Word suspicious!
May 7, 2011 at 6:32 pm
If God is so phrophetic, why didn’t he tell Mary about podcasts 20 years ago?
May 7, 2011 at 9:51 pm
Looking at her other messages from God, they all seem to be written FROM Mary Hardy, TO God. So which one is it? Is it from God or Mary?
GET IT RIGHT WOMAN!
May 8, 2011 at 1:15 am
God probably appeared to her in the form of that little microsoft paperclip that interfers in your work : “maybe use some clip art…now jazz up the font with word art…”
May 8, 2011 at 6:26 am
“You seem to be creating some crap for Etsy. Do you need any help?
May 8, 2011 at 10:27 am
That paper clip looks like it’s trying to seduce me.
May 8, 2011 at 1:34 pm
Paperclip’s a slut.
May 8, 2011 at 10:26 am
So, wait, now it’s the devil AND God using the paper clip? Holy crap!
May 8, 2011 at 8:40 pm
Well, the Mormons say that Jesus and Satan are bros (IIRC) so mebby he just borrowed it from Dad…
May 8, 2011 at 4:49 am
Wanmus beloas haben FEEEEEEEELEMANAOS OFFHEROCKER!! :O Are there any Pentecostals in here? My computer seems to be speaking in tongues.
May 8, 2011 at 6:23 am
I’m afraid we’re making fun of someone with, shall we say, an alternative view of the world.
(Of course, i’m not really frightened. That was purely rhetorical.)
May 9, 2011 at 12:04 pm
If we stop then the Estyians have won the War on Shoddy Busy Principles.