Cottage Cheese
Who wouldn’t want five drippy chippy pippy smippy smappy pabby pabbulous pieces of shmabbulousness for their primmy swimmy cottage? There may be other clothespins on Etsy, buy these are the messiest wessiest distressiest paely waley pinkity shminkity shabby fabby shabulous fantasmablabbulous flippindippulous blabbity shabbity babbitiuyklhdkj askxuxkubxu bwkufb wu fxlhukdw fdigv,dhsg kvcgsc
HELP ME
And speaking of help…
If you really want to write an eye catching listing, take a handful of Xanax and lay out on the front lawn with a typewriter. When you wake up, they will have taken your children away and you can really get some work done!
ETSY’S PROFESSIONAL COLE SLAW AND ZYDECO APPRECIATION CLASS
When: Wednesday, May 4 from 7 – 8:30 p.m. ET
Where: Etsy Labs at 55 Washington Street, Suite 712 (7th floor) Brooklyn, NY
Please let me know if you attend this ratfuck. Make sure to bring your pocket watch!
May 3, 2011 at 1:21 pm
Sheet music is the new barn wood
May 3, 2011 at 1:32 pm
My prediction for next month: Rusty corrugated tin.
And since when does rambling about your darling guinea pigs or your compulsion to dip everything in mayo qualify as a riveting seller bio? I’d be much more impressed by a hard-working handcrafter who has actually done enough to gain press coverage than some twit who thinks I care about their laser tag team or strange love for oatmeal baths.
May 3, 2011 at 1:48 pm
Wait, so you’re saying you DON’T care about my laser tag team?
-Sob-
May 3, 2011 at 1:52 pm
Only if you bathe with your laser tag team in a pool of oatmeal and mayo. That would give you Etsy street cred.
May 3, 2011 at 4:55 pm
That would probably garner a bit of attention in certain other circles as well.
I’d imagine.
May 3, 2011 at 2:14 pm
But…does…she…lov…coleslaw…and…zydeco? Priorities, people, please!!
May 3, 2011 at 4:30 pm
Well, tetanus IS in this year!
May 3, 2011 at 1:35 pm
Apparently “paper things that we should have no idea what they are” are the new barn wood. Like that one listing a while ago that was pictured on torn-out pages of King Lear. I don’t know what this song is, but it’s definitely upside down. Which is the only way Etsy admins play the piano.
May 3, 2011 at 1:46 pm
I actually think this is what the Etsy Admins do all day
It has barnwood and all.
May 3, 2011 at 1:47 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
May 3, 2011 at 2:05 pm
dear god, it is upside down. too horrified by the description to actually look at the picture
May 3, 2011 at 2:17 pm
The sheet music is upside down so it doesn’t distract from the swimmy primmy vintage WINtage clothespins. Okalee-dokalee?
May 3, 2011 at 2:07 pm
Really??? Really??? Someone thought that marketing their upcycled roadkill shrug was worth tearing pages out of Lear??
May 3, 2011 at 7:01 pm
Silly Dash, it’s just a book full of hard words she can’t pronounce. Some of the pictures are pretty, though, which is why she tore that one out!
May 3, 2011 at 2:16 pm
Hey, the typewriter in Michelle’s advertisement is facing the wrong way (not that one can use an elctric typewriter without plugging it in!) so Primmy Pink Clothes Peg is just following her cult leader.
May 4, 2011 at 8:44 am
What the hell? I can understand, if you have absolutely zero experience with music, that you might not realize the symbols are upside down. But it has letters and numbers on it, for god’s sake.
May 4, 2011 at 6:36 am
Wait for it…
Wait for it…
It isn’t an electric typewriter.
Fucking fuckers.
May 4, 2011 at 7:16 pm
“Drippy chippy pippy smippy smappy pabby pabbulous pieces of shmabbulousness for their primmy swimmy cottage” is the new version of that old scat classic “zippity dippity woo wat wow wow.” Somewhere an old jazz singer turns over in his grave.
May 3, 2011 at 1:21 pm
Last year I took a trip to NY and flew into JFK. My friend picked me up and we drove to Philly, through Brooklyn. I had a migraine and we had to pull over in the middle of bumper to bumper traffic so I could barf.
That is the CLOSEST I will ever get to an Etsy writing workshop.
May 3, 2011 at 1:46 pm
PRIMMY has to be a word from one of those workshops. On the bais of that alone someone should take a flanethrower to Michelle et. al.
May 3, 2011 at 3:03 pm
Primmy?
The wonderful thing about clothes pins
are clothes pins are wonderful things!
They’re drippy chippy pippy smippy smappy pabby pabbulous pieces of FUN!
But the most wonderful thing about clothes pins
is I’ve got the only ones!!
May 3, 2011 at 3:46 pm
Somewhere, Tigger is hacking up hairballs.
May 3, 2011 at 4:58 pm
You DO realize that April’s Dad was Tigger. Bad Emily.
November 24, 2011 at 10:38 am
I didn’t realize that. One more reason to love you, April, as Tigger is to this day still my favorite Disney Character.. HOO HOO HOO HOO!! *Squee!*
May 3, 2011 at 7:01 pm
They’re flouncy, too!
May 3, 2011 at 1:55 pm
Kittie, that sounds hella more pleasant. At least you were with a friend.
On the other hand…if I was anywhere near the location of this workshop, I would drag my boyfriend (who is a professional writer) with me, because we both enjoy sarcasm, acting and laughing at others who think they are half as pretentious as us.
May 3, 2011 at 3:17 pm
You know, I recommend to my copywriting customers that they find some detail they can pass of as “personal” … but it’s so people can connect with their profiles. Zydeco? Cole slaw? What?
May 3, 2011 at 5:24 pm
I hate both Zydeco AND coleslaw. Does that mean I can’t go?
May 3, 2011 at 2:09 pm
I have a migraine right now — and thinking of sitting through an Etsy workshop makes me want to shove a shabby chic pink glitter clothespin in my eye socket.
May 3, 2011 at 1:22 pm
and upchic is the new upcycle evidently
May 3, 2011 at 1:43 pm
you mean upchuck?
May 4, 2011 at 11:55 am
Or: Q: What’s upchic?
A: Not much, how about you?
May 3, 2011 at 5:26 pm
Funny, my response to their suggestion was no, upchic YOURS!
May 3, 2011 at 1:22 pm
That clothespin description gave me a headache, a toothache AND a stomachache.
May 3, 2011 at 1:31 pm
At least the clothes pins are a Pepto pink!
May 3, 2011 at 1:23 pm
I haven’t been to a good old fashioned rat fucking in years. I’ll bring the mayo, you bring the sponge mop.
May 3, 2011 at 1:23 pm
If coleslaw can convince you to buy a sculpture, you really have no clue how to shop for things you actually need.
May 3, 2011 at 1:25 pm
Unless, of course, you have a passion for coleslaw. In which case, you’d buy a sculpture of coleslaw
May 3, 2011 at 1:51 pm
Know what convinces me to buy stuff on etsy? A good product, with decent pictures and a clear description.
In all of sparkklejar’s rambling, she doesn’t even list how big these are.
May 3, 2011 at 2:00 pm
I estimate they’re about 3 and a half measures long. Does that help?
May 3, 2011 at 3:11 pm
Shush, you are making too much sense. It’s time for going into disturbingly intimate detail about pinecones and twigs tacky glued together and strung on upcycled cotton cord from a potato sack that was ran over by a car and has the delicious aroma of motor oil soaked into it.
May 3, 2011 at 3:19 pm
Yeah, I’m sorry, but people don’t use profiles to decide between products. They use them to play voyeur on people’s lives after they’ve already bought. Though admittedly they can increase CLICKS! And we all love CLICKS! (Very good very good yay …)
May 3, 2011 at 4:27 pm
I take it ALL back. Check out the awesome post by LiliesOValley.
http://www.etsy.com/teams/7722/business-topics/discuss/7553050/page/2 (near the bottom)
Cabbage did increase her sales. I kinda love her.
May 4, 2011 at 7:37 am
That thread is hilarious. I’m surprised it hasn’t been shut down yet.
May 3, 2011 at 4:32 pm
Oh, it’s HER? No wonder; her constant-comment diarrhea in the forums used to put me right off.
May 3, 2011 at 1:23 pm
I lost interest at the title.
May 3, 2011 at 1:23 pm
Y’know what? Upchic your cottage, too, lady!
With knobby wobbies on it.
May 3, 2011 at 1:23 pm
I don’t know why but I have this insatiable urge to whack this seller over the head with a nutsack. Too bad I don’t have one.
May 3, 2011 at 1:24 pm
I’d loan you mine, but the wife would probably object.
May 3, 2011 at 1:27 pm
Bravo! Way to imagine feeding the ol’ genital pigeons! I have taken the writing class, and must say, your urges are but a begetting of undiluted whimsical minions!
Too bad they’ll all die on the fucking pavement, writhing like the cock pinworms they are.
You like how I transitioned from cheery to grim? That’s a skill.
May 3, 2011 at 1:29 pm
I lied. I would never take that piss of a class.
May 3, 2011 at 2:20 pm
I’d suggest you teach a class instead, but you can’t teach the skill of taking cheery and making it grim. It’s a gift, really.
May 3, 2011 at 1:58 pm
You should always have a nutsack “squirreled” away somewhere, for just such an occasion.
May 3, 2011 at 2:45 pm
I suppose I have the old man. He’s not using his anyway.
May 3, 2011 at 4:16 pm
Hey, that would give a purpose to all those nutsacks Bob Barker pleads for people to have cut off their pets.
Upcycle!
May 3, 2011 at 1:24 pm
Also, what is so subtle about PINK GLITTER????? Holy Christ….glitter is meant to STAND OUT…it’s not meant to be SUBTLE. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
May 3, 2011 at 1:47 pm
It’s actually not glitter. It’s the lead in the paint shining through.
May 3, 2011 at 1:49 pm
That explains a lot about this listing.
May 3, 2011 at 3:13 pm
Wait, so you aren’t supposed to eat clothespins? Why didn’t anyone tell me this?
May 3, 2011 at 2:21 pm
I don’t think “subtle” is what you think it is.
May 3, 2011 at 3:21 pm
“Subtle” is one of those OHAI I WRITES ARTSY DESCRIPTIONS words. Others: “chic,” generally pronounced chick, “___ as unique as you are,” and “elegant.”
May 3, 2011 at 1:24 pm
Dumbo, eh? They can’t even be convenient.
May 3, 2011 at 2:26 pm
I’d love to go too, but I live in Queens and DUMBO isn’t convenient. Wait…one…minute. What if someone–or many someones–contacts her and tells her that I’d love to attend such a class if it was in a more convenient location?
I’ll be right back. I have an e-mail to compose.
May 3, 2011 at 2:35 pm
Here’s one intriguing post (name removed):
“Gee…as much I would love to be mind violated by some time traveling hipster wannabe, I have a real writing class to attend. The 70s and the 80s were a long time ago.”
Wonder if the writer is within our midsts?
May 3, 2011 at 3:00 pm
Yeah, Uptown Manhattan here. Honestly, I don’t know if Dumbo is conveniently accessible from anywhere but… Dumbo.
May 3, 2011 at 4:09 pm
Same here eishaschen. but i wanna be mind raped!
I would love it if we could rally up a regretsy invasion but dumbo? that’s too close to giving a shit
May 3, 2011 at 7:56 pm
I’m slightly closer — Chelsea — but tend to avoid Brooklyn on principle. What’s more, I’ve got a deadline Thursday and some real writing to do. (Do comic books count as “real” writing?)
May 3, 2011 at 4:20 pm
Like a room in the JFK airport so everyone has a chance to be physically manhandled in the way Etsy covertly (well not that covert) does to them electronically.
May 3, 2011 at 1:25 pm
What next? Shit stained, used toilet paper? Seriously, are these fucking “artists” and “crafters” on crack? I am not paying nearly a dollar a piece for a fucked up looking clothespin no matter how many meds I’m on!
May 3, 2011 at 1:26 pm
Thank you Regretsy! For “ratfuck” is officially my new favourite descriptive term.
The baby talk babble reminds me of an exboyfriend on a Salvia Divinorum trip where he thought he was Link from Legend of Zelda and proceeded to try and jump onto the TV (it’s okay he didn’t get very far).
May 3, 2011 at 1:26 pm
“I am really bad at painting clothespins but I am going to call them shabby chic and you might like them even if you’re only slightly retarded!”
May 3, 2011 at 9:06 pm
Actually, she’s really good at painting them. She just got hungry and started eating the paint chips and sniffing the markers. The result is that description, the upside-down sheet music, and “shabby chic” 10 cent clothespins.
May 3, 2011 at 1:27 pm
Do you think you have to prove you’re an Etsy seller to get into that workshop? Because I’m pretty near there, and I’m decent at reporting excellent facts and details, but I don’t sell a fucking thing.
May 3, 2011 at 1:30 pm
Do it
May 3, 2011 at 1:32 pm
Oh my god, I even have five dollars.
I’ve wasted five big ones on a lot worse than educational creamy research in beautiful moustacheburg, Brooklyn.
This might happen.
May 3, 2011 at 1:41 pm
you can just say you’re thinking of opening a store and make up some crap about vintage steampunk octopus clocks
May 3, 2011 at 2:39 pm
I agree with DysfunctioningUnit–that’s essentially the post I made. I *do* hope to open a shop in the fall (hand crocheted or knitted), want to find out as much as possible before I do, and I live in Queens. Everything I wrote was the truth. And I had a perfectly innocent expression on my face when I typed it. I wasn’t smirking. Really.
May 3, 2011 at 4:42 pm
Reading the word “creamy” inspired me to order a roast beef sandwich with horseradish. Mmmm… Creamy.
If someone’s selling roast beef sandwiches on Etsy they could do well.
May 3, 2011 at 7:39 pm
Just be sure and eat at least $5 worth of snacks!
May 3, 2011 at 8:12 pm
Bonus Points for photos, of course.
Extra Special Bonus Points if you ask her for an autograph.
Most Highly Revered Bonus Points for a photograph of her signing a t shirt (or ratty upcycled jeans) with a Sharpie. More points if you are wearing it.
Video of you squealing with glee while all the above are being done: Priceless.
This could turn into a quest.
May 3, 2011 at 1:40 pm
My sister is an Etsy seller (and Regretsy fan) who lives in Manhattan. I’ve got to convince her to go. And take notes.
May 3, 2011 at 1:31 pm
Just show up wearing a shirt proclaiming your disgust for baby formula and circumcisions. They’ll be none the wiser.
May 3, 2011 at 1:33 pm
Actually, I think I have some old garbage lying around the house too. I am fully equipped to undertake this massive educational what-have-you.
I’ve never been a “woman on the inside” before. I need a code name. Mata Hari Calamari?
May 3, 2011 at 1:40 pm
Bajingo Glitter?
May 3, 2011 at 2:03 pm
Theresa Rhaphucari (see what I did there?)
May 3, 2011 at 2:40 pm
Bailsey, you done upcycled your writing!
May 3, 2011 at 1:33 pm
P.S. If you write it on a piece of paper with sharpie and safety-pin to the ugliest shirt you have in your possession it will be more believable.
May 3, 2011 at 1:32 pm
If you need to, tell them you’re me. I’ll give you my shop info and you can attend in my place. I’d love to help the effort.
May 3, 2011 at 1:41 pm
Yeah, you gotta represent, my sistah – wear the Sharpied shirt and get banned fo’ bein’ too muthafuckin legit.
Let ‘em catch you ridin’ dirty clothespins.
May 3, 2011 at 1:43 pm
I’ve never been thrown out of an arts and crafts workshop before…
At my age, it seems like it’s about time.
May 3, 2011 at 4:10 pm
You’re all assuming they’d care! It is Etsy, and the infiltrator would be paying for this experience, after all.
May 3, 2011 at 1:35 pm
Do it!
I triple-dirty-clothespin dare you! You haven’t a clothespin on your ass if you don’t!
Fuck Etsy selling.
CLUB FUCKERY 4 LYFE
May 3, 2011 at 8:27 pm
It’s a moral imperative, after all.
May 3, 2011 at 1:42 pm
You do not even have to show up live and in person! You can take the class via LiveJournal! Who knew??
Just don’t forget to download that happy little worksheet…where they discuss the longings of sheep lice…believe it or not.
http://www.etsy.com/storque/media/bunker/2011/04/Writing_Workshop_worksheet.pdf
May 3, 2011 at 2:44 pm
It would be so much more fun in person, though–pepper the “teacher” with questions…long-winded, meandering questions that reference meadows and starlight and newly budded flowers blowing in the soft, warm breeze.
You can’t have that kind of fun online. Well you CAN, and we’re all right here doing it!
May 3, 2011 at 1:54 pm
Not only do we NEED you to go, but this is what we need you to do: sit through it til it’s clearly almost over, and THEN, ask your snarky questions about how to deal with the meanies who call you out for being a reseller. And report back the results to that.
May 3, 2011 at 1:59 pm
I’ve never wrestled a girl in granny glasses before, either.
So many avenues unexplored in this brief and beautiful allotment of days on earth.
Surely by now they are monitoring this site for potential troublemakers, no? If so, let me just state this for the record: I am in no way associated with these rabblerousers. I am an independent entity and I love used clothespins.
May 3, 2011 at 2:06 pm
Even better, play dumb, ask if its okay to sell stuff you’ve purchased from a vendor, then added your special “love”. I can’t see how they’d be negative about THAT!
May 3, 2011 at 4:35 pm
I thought adding special ‘love’ constituted a biohazard.
May 3, 2011 at 4:02 pm
Do eet! And then we can all watch with bated breath to see if you ask any tricksy questions – like any non-zydecomayonnaise questions.
May 3, 2011 at 7:25 pm
Do it! I’m kicking myself for making plans to meet up with a friend . . . I desperately want to be there for this fuckery.
May 3, 2011 at 1:27 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
May 3, 2011 at 1:36 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
May 3, 2011 at 1:28 pm
Yeaaaaah… I’ve been to the Etsy virtual labs. Some of what I learned in there was great (mostly about lighting in photography). But what they recommend you say in your description sometimes is downright bullshit.
May 3, 2011 at 3:26 pm
See, most of the stuff they recommend would work if it was subtle (like, apparently, pink glitter … ugh). It’s when people take ALL Etsy advice and slap it on with a Tom Sawyer paintbrush of rainbows that it becomes “This darling upcycled drinking straw has such a cutesy patootsy little bend from where Thumbelina had a screaming orgasm on the tip!”
May 3, 2011 at 1:29 pm
I was throwing up before I could finish the description.
May 3, 2011 at 1:29 pm
Shabulous! My favorite word of the day. I need some more Shabulous in my home brought to you by chippy paint and glitter.
May 3, 2011 at 2:48 pm
>> I need some more Shabulous in my home brought to you by chippy paint and glitter.<<
Then your home will be Shabulously Chic. Do you want that? Really?
May 3, 2011 at 3:23 pm
No it’s okay, I’m safe. My home would never be considered Chic. Shabulous I could do but Chic would never happen even with glitter. Chippy paint I already have.
May 3, 2011 at 8:42 pm
Shabulous is nice, but just think how incredible it could be if it was Shamwowbulous!
May 3, 2011 at 1:30 pm
But it’s not steampunk! Also, it loses points for the lack of tentacles and moustaches.
May 3, 2011 at 1:30 pm
Holy Hell!!! I have died and gone to cottage cheese heaven! She has shabby chic upcycled modern day smelly jelly canning rings!!! They ALSO have pink glitter and it is NOT subtle!
May 3, 2011 at 1:31 pm
Crap…never mind, they are not meant for canning! Wait…what the hell do you do with them then?!
May 3, 2011 at 1:43 pm
That question DEFINES Etsy, Liberty.
May 3, 2011 at 1:50 pm
That is an excellent point!
May 3, 2011 at 2:12 pm
For the Mason jar you keep your shabby glittered cat fetus in!
May 3, 2011 at 2:31 pm
And upcycled shabby chic glittered strampink dead bees.
May 3, 2011 at 4:10 pm
…too soon?
May 3, 2011 at 4:13 pm
[RETRY. I can't even fuck it up properly. :\ ]
…too soon?
May 3, 2011 at 2:04 pm
She also has a painted tin can….no more recycling for me I tell ya. I’m gonna rinse out all them cans, paint them shabbilicious, slap a rosebud sticker on ‘em, and charge $10.
BRILLIANT!
May 4, 2011 at 11:01 am
you forgot the glitter.
May 3, 2011 at 1:32 pm
No offense to the farmers that grow cabbage and carrots for coleslaw, the Zydeco manufacturers, or the lovers of the aforementioned, but I buy stuff on Etsy because I like it and want it, not because of shit you do in your spare time.
Not to mention, if Etsy really gave a damn about peoples’ postings, they wouldn’t allow all the reselling fuckery and copyright infringement that they do. Hypocrites. Write about THAT you Etsy fuckers.
May 3, 2011 at 1:33 pm
You mean you won’t buy my steampunk octopus vintage (but not really) decal because I enjoy to BBQ on the weekends while waxing philosophic about the sad state of affairs that our economy is in and we need more cow bell to correct things. Also, I’m passionate about Xylophones.
May 3, 2011 at 1:40 pm
Go on and tell THAT, hometards.
May 3, 2011 at 2:06 pm
Michelle doesn’t have to come and confess. We’re looking for her. We gon’ find her, we gon’ find her…
May 3, 2011 at 4:04 pm
hide your craft, hide your skills, and hide your store cuz they’re screwing all the sellers
May 3, 2011 at 1:47 pm
Well, I’m all bummed. I was going to add a paragraph to my listing extolling my view on Manichean evil in The Lord of the Rings and my love of persian cats.
May 3, 2011 at 2:06 pm
Actually, could you write about your view on Manichean evil in The Lord of the Rings? Because I’d rather like to read that.
May 3, 2011 at 3:27 pm
Seconded.
May 3, 2011 at 4:06 pm
Thirded. (Tolkien nerd love!)
May 3, 2011 at 1:34 pm
I can’t help but wonder… Do they actually hold your laundry or are they just supposed to look primmy vintage while your moddy vintage dryer dries the laundry?
May 3, 2011 at 1:35 pm
I hope Michelle doesn’t think that is a “lackluster” description now. I mean sparkklejar could miss the point of Etsy!
May 3, 2011 at 2:33 pm
Hmm, lil’ critter could use a shabulous teeth scaling there, eh?
May 3, 2011 at 5:13 pm
Healthy rodents have orange teeth.
Or have been eating orange popsicles.
May 3, 2011 at 1:35 pm
I think “shabby chic” is out, especially for us Regretsy-ers. I think we should become involved in…”STABBY CHIC!”
May 3, 2011 at 1:40 pm
To stay on topic, shouldn’t it be Scabby Chic?
May 3, 2011 at 1:46 pm
Ooh, that’s a good one!
May 3, 2011 at 3:09 pm
Never been big on shabby chic. Always want to trim off the loose threads and repaint the stuff. I prefer my stuff naturally distressed, ya know, because I forgot it outside. But if I did that, I’d just throw it away.
May 3, 2011 at 5:14 pm
*pulls out pastel, milk-painted, distressed spork*
I’m ready.
May 3, 2011 at 5:23 pm
I’m a stabby chick, does that count?
May 3, 2011 at 1:36 pm
The seller who wrote the clothespin description must have gotten an A in the writing workshop. And an LSD-laced cupcake.
May 3, 2011 at 1:36 pm
I completely lawl’d at #1. Not just sheet music – UPSIDE DOWN sheet music. So that ‘..poco cresc.’ becomes ‘shabulous decresc.’ as we all descend into Hell.
May 3, 2011 at 1:38 pm
E-flat, Salieri! E-flat!May 3, 2011 at 1:46 pm
Love you.
May 3, 2011 at 1:46 pm
Love you too. :3
May 3, 2011 at 3:28 pm
Give me your baby makings for my own.
May 3, 2011 at 1:38 pm
How would one play “shabulously” anyway? Is it like staccato or legato, or is it more of a szfortzando (wow, I totally butchered that one >.<)? I wonder how it would work.
Also, could you add shabulously to a performance of 4'33"?
May 3, 2011 at 1:46 pm
I’d add it to Faerie’s Aire and Death Waltz, but that’s just me.
I’m sure it’s some kind of scratchy legato with all kinds of poor bowmanship or, in the case of winds, broken reeds. Imagine, if you will, a violin concerto played entirely at the tip of the bow (said bow being strung with elephant hair, rosined with bongpipe resin) that consists only of those notes that spell out synonyms for “PINK” and played with an accompaniment of dying hummingbirds. Shabulous.
May 3, 2011 at 1:58 pm
I love Faerie’s Aire and Death Waltz. And you.
May 3, 2011 at 2:08 pm
Wouldn’t playing “shabulously” be on a toy piano?
May 3, 2011 at 2:20 pm
Hm. How do you figure? Cos it’s all tinny-sounding? Or because no one who uses the word ‘shabulous’ could possibly have any formal musical training or know the first thing about owning and maintaining a proper instrument?
May 3, 2011 at 4:48 pm
That reminds me of Lucy demanding increasingly simple versions of “Jingle Bells” until Schroeder played it with one finger on a plinky toy piano.
“THAT’S IT!”
May 3, 2011 at 1:37 pm
flippindippulous
<3
May 3, 2011 at 1:37 pm
Etsy tells you to tell a story with each item. I bought into that. I think I should’ve submitted myself to Regretsy.
May 3, 2011 at 1:38 pm
I’ve been meaning to post this for awhile, but I think it applies here pretty well: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=unR_ZwAIw1s
“I think you’re gonna find your privy on your doorstep all painted with garlands and stuffed with dried flowers!”
May 3, 2011 at 1:49 pm
I love them so, so much.
May 3, 2011 at 2:04 pm
haha…I can’t stop imagining you saying this like Holly Hunter in Raising Arizona.
May 3, 2011 at 2:35 pm
Love my white bread French and shaped like a penis!
May 3, 2011 at 8:41 pm
Absolutely Shabulous.
May 3, 2011 at 1:40 pm
Holy fucking shit. She sells glitter painted mason jar bands, too. And a single mason canning lid for an affordable $3.75! Never mind that $3.75 will buy you at least one an entire package of canning lids at the grocery store. This one is VINTAGE! YAY!
May 3, 2011 at 1:41 pm
Ooh they still sell these at craft stores. We used them to make Nativity scenes with the Sunday School kids. Wonder what I could get on Etsy for those….
May 3, 2011 at 1:48 pm
If you make a Steampunk Jesus, I’ll buy it
May 3, 2011 at 2:19 pm
I think you’d have to make at least two, because I would most certainly buy one as well. Also an octopus instead of a donkey.
May 3, 2011 at 2:38 pm
Count me in. Make it three clothespin Jesuses…or would that be Jesi, a la octopi?? And also– buy two, get the third wise man free!
May 3, 2011 at 3:32 pm
(raises hand and waves it back and forth, pulling myself out of my chair, doing my best Arnold Horshack)
Ooo, ooo-ooh, Mis-tah Oh-look-a-chic-ken
Make more–I want one, too!
May 3, 2011 at 1:41 pm
Hey, now.
Some of us really enjoy our handfulls of Xanax.
The kids are fine.
May 3, 2011 at 1:43 pm
I’m being suffocated by adjectives, help!!!
May 3, 2011 at 1:45 pm
*throws a noun buoy* Hold on! Hold on tight!
May 3, 2011 at 1:58 pm
It’s not working!! *choking sounds* Conjunctions… need… more…. conjunctions!
May 3, 2011 at 2:55 pm
Aw, thanks! Now I have “Conjunction Junction” playing in my head and it’s making me happy. If I start singing it aloud it may make my coworkers scared, but that’s ok. I work in publishing. We use lots of conjunctions.
(goes off to the copier, singing)
May 3, 2011 at 3:30 pm
Conjunction junction, what’s your function? I have been known to submit more-than-the-rules-allow extra credit reports for students who will sing that to me.
May 3, 2011 at 3:34 pm
Aw, TangoPig, I wish you’d been my teacher when I was a kid! I hope your students appreciate you a lot!!!
May 3, 2011 at 5:13 pm
The little snippet of “Conjunction Junction” on Glee made me forgive Gwyneth Paltrow for a lot of things.
May 3, 2011 at 1:46 pm
“if you like primitive distressed vintage treasures and pink”…
then you’d probably like my vagina.
May 3, 2011 at 1:49 pm
that’s one good beer wasted in a keyboard.
May 3, 2011 at 1:52 pm
Oh my! Most excellent snarkage!
May 4, 2011 at 12:04 am
*sexy voice* Hey…want to help me distress some pink treasures?
May 3, 2011 at 1:48 pm
I’d like to attend Etsy’s Magical Writing Workshop, only to roll Michelle for those snazzy glasses though. With those beauties, I’m sure I could eclipse average drunks everywhere and become some sort of superhuman booze receptacle.
May 3, 2011 at 6:54 pm
Can we get a “What Not To Wear” intervention for Michelle??? Sheesh.
May 3, 2011 at 1:48 pm
I pointed this out on fb but I think it bears repeating: Michelle’s worksheet for the class includes the following.
“Think of an item in your shop and write a paragraph of its memoir in first-person (er, object) POV. This can be as factually true or false as you would like. You can focus on its origins or its rebellious adolescence, a watershed moment or the tranquil retirement years.”
I think, as a creative exercise, we should write a first-person POV memoir of the watershed moment her eyewear realized there were just ugly-ass giant pseudo-hipster glasses.
May 3, 2011 at 1:54 pm
Interesting that sellers are told to be “as factaulloy ture or false as you would like.” I guess that explains all the resellers claiming that their “confections” are handmade.
May 3, 2011 at 2:00 pm
OK – not sure what happened to my typing skills. Must have been blinded by fugly clothes pegs. My point about encouraging misrepresentation stands.
May 3, 2011 at 2:58 pm
But it’s not the SELLERS who claim that their “confections” are handmade. It’s the ITEMS themselves who are writing the copy from their own POV. I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but I think you’re old enough to know: Sometimes items lie about themselve. It’s not nice, but it happens. True story.
May 3, 2011 at 4:19 pm
What!! The glittery, organic, bajingo sculptures are not all my friends? But what about the Nigerian Bajingo that I purchased with all my crafting money?
May 3, 2011 at 2:56 pm
Maybe this workshop is the kind where a few people can detail their specific case, which is then treated as an example, applying the advice given just before?
In that case, I certainly wish that there will be people there to propose the silliest cases possible. Such as: “How should I market these 3 rusty tin cans?”
May 3, 2011 at 1:48 pm
Isn’t Primmy the one always shutting down the call-out forums?
May 3, 2011 at 1:49 pm
Little Miss Michelle looks like she stole her fashion from my mother’s high school yearbook…
May 3, 2011 at 2:03 pm
Welcome to Hipsterville.
May 3, 2011 at 2:23 pm
Curse my mother for not keeping her hideous clothing! I could have made a fortune selling them as vintage hipster crap on Etsy ><
May 3, 2011 at 5:28 pm
I had the exact same thought! Tell me those aren’t really considered “hip” now…
*EEK!*
May 3, 2011 at 1:51 pm
Helen, do you realize that Etsy posts tend to resemble yours little by little?
May 3, 2011 at 1:51 pm
Next she’ll put plastic eyes and penises on them and call them shabby-glitter-cottage-erotica-served with my special coleslaw on the side. I wish I had a shoe to throw:
May 3, 2011 at 1:52 pm
And so I’ve updated my shop announcement. THANK GOD FOR THE ADVICE ON STORYTELLING. I’ll just go tell my English rhetoric and Composition degree to go eff itself: http://www.etsy.com/shop/Tefi?ref=si_shop
May 3, 2011 at 1:53 pm
*Rhetoric — See? I’ve already grown dumb.
May 3, 2011 at 1:53 pm
I just favorited you. Your stuff is adorable, but more than that, your shop description made me pee myself.
May 3, 2011 at 2:01 pm
*Making people pee themselves since 1975*
May 3, 2011 at 3:11 pm
I also favorited you and think your items are terrific. Your wall art is lovely–the yo-yo pinwheels are neatly made, you coordinate them in an attractive arrangement of different sizes and they remind me of kids’ pinwheels. No snark meant! The one on your first page is in a six-inch hoop? Then your sewing/finishing is even more impressive.
May 3, 2011 at 1:56 pm
That made me want to smack your ass. Well done.
May 3, 2011 at 2:01 pm
*Making people smack my ass since 1975*
May 3, 2011 at 1:57 pm
I’m assuming that you play a vintage washboard?
May 3, 2011 at 2:00 pm
It’s a shabulous shit-tastic drippy mippy fuck all washboard.
May 3, 2011 at 2:08 pm
Oooh, how primmy. Or would that be drippy chippy? Damn, I need that workshit, oops, workshop.
May 3, 2011 at 2:06 pm
I favourited you too! Really pretty items and you donate to animal charities, yay!
May 3, 2011 at 3:33 pm
Yeah, that was just fucking offensive. “Forget your silly graduate degree!”
May 3, 2011 at 4:18 pm
I have not laughed that hard in forever. I <3 Efit, I do.
May 3, 2011 at 1:57 pm
1. ugh I wish writing descriptions crammed with as many keywords as you could fit in was OUTLAWED. OUTLAWED, I TELL YOU.
2. someone seriously wrote, that, huh. how about some middle ground, like, say, a description that tells you what the item is, what it’s for, and maybe – possibly! – what it’s made out of? or is that too much to ask?
May 3, 2011 at 1:57 pm
I seriously thought that was her 7th grade school picture from 1981. Then I was like, “Holy clothespin, that must be what a ‘hipster’ is.” Eww.
May 3, 2011 at 1:57 pm
I apologize in advance for the rant. Michelle writes the “Keep it weird” blog on etsy, a.k.a. etsy’s answer to regretsy http://www.etsy.com/storque/search/tags/keep-it-weird/ The pieces she features can be pretty cool, but her pretentious freshman art major editorial is so obnoxious, I just want to smack those ironic glasses off her face. *phew* ok, I feel better now
May 3, 2011 at 5:34 pm
Funny. Her profile is absolutely BORING… and after reading it, if she had a shop, I’d be less inclined to even look in the shop, much less purchase something!
May 3, 2011 at 2:01 pm
Jesus fuck.
Upchic now? What the fuck is Upchic?
Etsy, please, for the love of my sanity… STOP ADDING “UP” TO WORDS!
May 3, 2011 at 2:05 pm
Upchic: I think it has something to do with vomiting.
May 3, 2011 at 5:17 pm
Upchucking usually looks better than upchicing does.
May 3, 2011 at 5:20 pm
I like using the word “emetic.”
May 4, 2011 at 8:46 am
That’s too upcycled even for an Etsy listing. Sorry.
But…if you take the “receptor,” cover it with glitter, and add a few rhinestones, you’ll be back in the game.
May 3, 2011 at 2:12 pm
Dear Etsy: Upyours
May 3, 2011 at 2:02 pm
Can they also multipurpose as steam punk butt plugs, imagine the size of the smell
May 3, 2011 at 2:02 pm
Is it just me?
May 3, 2011 at 2:03 pm
AWESOMEBALLS
May 3, 2011 at 2:11 pm
*Awesomeballs since…oh sorry. I just want to be hanging on yours all day.
Well, your lady balls.
May 3, 2011 at 2:14 pm
Your peapod necklace is really cute, btw.
May 3, 2011 at 2:25 pm
Hey Sarah Jessica, why the long face?
May 4, 2011 at 10:54 am
Ah, mondaygrey. You are my new favorite person.
May 3, 2011 at 2:10 pm
[Singing with gusto]: Square pegs, square pegs, square…square…PEGS! (Always never quite right!)
My boyfriend is eleven years younger than me and never understands any of my pop culture references, ever. But you guys not only understand them, you make ‘em first.
YOU PEOPLE ARE KEEPING ME SANE.
May 3, 2011 at 9:51 pm
If we are any measure of your sanity, boy are you screwed. Welcome to hell, here’s your upchic primmy shabulous handbasket, hand painted in organic pink glitter crackle.
May 4, 2011 at 1:52 pm
Oooh, glitter!!! *squeals*
May 3, 2011 at 5:22 pm
I made this comparison last time she raped our dreams.
Sarah Jessica Parker looks better in everything NOT related to the show where she’s got unlimited money to spend on clothes. WTF?
May 3, 2011 at 2:03 pm
Is she really selling her grandmother’s old clothespins that got glitter stuck on them in her junk drawer? Dear ratgod, is there anything people won’t sell? There is nothing sweet about trashed clothespins. I hope this woman is just manipulating her selling base and isn’t serious. If she is, then someone should tell her she isn’t Snow White, or eight. I cannot be snarky in the face of such abject idiocy.
May 4, 2011 at 11:20 am
manipulating your selling base is the new identifying your target market
May 3, 2011 at 2:04 pm
I can’t even think the word “shabulous” without twitching a little.
May 3, 2011 at 2:08 pm
Twitch. Damn.
May 3, 2011 at 2:15 pm
This is shabulous in my mind’s eye. This is my mangy shabulous backyard squirrel.
http://i291.photobucket.com/albums/ll302/Brendamouse1/outside002.jpg
May 3, 2011 at 3:16 pm
Is the squirrel really mangy? It looks as if it had been shaved…and looks kinda creepy, but that just really brings out its rodenty goodness, though!
May 3, 2011 at 5:30 pm
Where do you live – Love Canal, Three Mile Island, or Chernobyl?
May 3, 2011 at 9:09 pm
I love the fact that he’s entirely bald… EXCEPT FOR HIS TAIL! That’s gotta be a hairpiece…
May 4, 2011 at 5:42 am
The fur has been coming out in chunks all spring. And if anything is primmy and distressed it’s this squirrel.
No! I don’t live near any nuclear fallout zones.
And that’s not a tail that’s a merkin thank you very much.
Hmmm, the squirrel now has a name, Merkin.
May 3, 2011 at 2:05 pm
when’s the last time michelle had her picture taken? she looks like someone from the 80′s
May 3, 2011 at 2:05 pm
“I’m far more persuaded to buy your resin sculpture because of your weekend zydeco band and passion for coleslaw.”
Thanks for the advice, Michelle. I don’t much care for coleslaw – but I do love a good blowjob. Does that go in my profile, or my shop policies?
May 3, 2011 at 2:09 pm
Just don’t call out during the b.j.
May 3, 2011 at 3:17 pm
Or Knickie (or however she pretentiously spells her name) will put a stop to it.
May 3, 2011 at 4:14 pm
Making it a threesome?
May 3, 2011 at 3:52 pm
Epic response. I was going to say mud bath in the middle of the Rocky Mountains myself, but I like yours much better. My hubs and I both laughed our asses off at this one. Bravo!
May 3, 2011 at 4:17 pm
maybe put it in your wish list?
May 3, 2011 at 5:23 pm
Giving or getting? You cant leave anything vague!
May 3, 2011 at 2:06 pm
I dare someone to go to that writer workshop, type up something quick, translate it to any random language in the Altavista Babelfish program, translate it back to English, and submit it as your most awesome description.
Or, use all of the most infamous Regretsy-isms (you can change the size of the smell!)in one submission.
May 3, 2011 at 2:15 pm
“upchic your cottage”?
I just upchucked my lunch. omg. You wasted your glitter. They’re trash; THROW.THEM.AWAY!
May 3, 2011 at 2:24 pm
You forgot fantasmagorical! These clothespins are fucking fan-tas-ma-gor-i-cal.
May 3, 2011 at 2:24 pm
“I’m far more persuaded to buy your resin sculpture because of your weekend zydeco band and passion for coleslaw.”
I’m just gobsmacked that she could write that and not imagine that anyone would ever take that seriously!! What utter and complete garbage!! I’ve found that people want to buy my stuff because of what it looks like, I don’t imagine that the bit I write underneath the pictures makes one jot of difference, apart from giving details to answer possible questions. What a load of old Etsy bullshit.
Is this part of the Etsy masterplan to make proper crafters and artists feel that it’s all their fault for lack of sales, and nothing at all to do with the fact that Etsy is overflowing with resellers?
I think I would be persuaded to buy something if I actually saw the genuinely handmade item, instead of the thousands of factory-made brass octopuses…
May 3, 2011 at 2:34 pm
I know for sure people don’t read descriptions. I ask one simple thing of people in mine and even sometimes have coupon codes in them. They don’t use coupon codes and they don’t tell me what I’m asking for.
Maybe if I added something about suspiciously “creamy” coleslaw they might read it.
May 3, 2011 at 3:22 pm
I love your Angel Bunny! Are you on Etsy as well? If there’s a link on your site I missed it (and that’s not a criticism of your site, it’s been a long day).
May 3, 2011 at 11:52 pm
Aww, thanks Mugsy Doodle! Yes I am on Etsy… http://joeysdreamgarden.etsy.com So am I a hypocrite? I like to think that I’m keeping my enemies close!
hugs
Joey x
May 4, 2011 at 8:11 am
And you know, call me a wide-eyed innocent, but I like writing descriptions so much that I still truly believe that a concise, attractively written one really helps … or is it just that Grammatical Me judges people for bad ones? Like the ones Michelle recommends?
May 3, 2011 at 2:25 pm
Confession: I would be more likely to buy from somebody who was in a zydeco band.
May 3, 2011 at 3:54 pm
I am in a rock band. Does that count?
May 3, 2011 at 2:30 pm
My son is a pre- pre- business major and explained to me that etsy advocates the “Underwear Gnome” business plan to success. The Underwear Gnome’s business plan is as follows:
1. Steal Dirty Underwear
2. ?????
3. Profit
Etsy’s version is as follows:
1. Become passionate about coleslaw.
2. ?????????
3. Become Etsy millionaire
May 3, 2011 at 2:33 pm
You had me at “primitive distressed vintage treasures AND pink.”
May 3, 2011 at 2:39 pm
There is no one at Etsy that I want to slap harder than her. True story.
May 3, 2011 at 3:24 pm
I’ve got one… But I wouldn’t want to do a “call out” here.
May 3, 2011 at 5:26 pm
Her and the fingerless glove saluting girl are way ahead of Knickey in my esteem. At least when they shut down a forum discussion they say something that indicates they READ the fucking thing.
May 3, 2011 at 2:44 pm
I’ve just “translated” the Etsy post from English to Japanese and back again with good ol’ Babelfish… I think it now makes perfect sense!
“The editor for [burogu] of Etsy and for a long time as one of the shopping customers, I’ Your profile and it is m me who take commodity explanation with 1 Japanese-Chinese trawl nets, if it permits, that is sad situation! To me, without gloss of the text the part lets escape the point of Etsy. Your MFA and reference of the publication it is good entirely, but I’ ; Way from directly passion for carving and coleslaw your resin is bought because of the zydeco band of m where it is persuaded your weekend”.
May 3, 2011 at 3:44 pm
Actually I think a lot of descriptions on Etsy could benefit from this process. After all, they can’t all be as excellent as the vest-with-smell lady.
May 3, 2011 at 2:44 pm
i needed a vicodin sandwich just to get through that description.
May 3, 2011 at 2:46 pm
Eureka! I have discovered the secret to Etsy! It’s mayonnaise! Oh, the nefarious decadence!
This is from sparkklejar’s shop:
oh i have a buying ID i havent used yet MayonnaiseRain.etsy.com
my alter ego and gift of nefarious decadence
mayonnaiseholiday.etsy.com
May 3, 2011 at 2:48 pm
Oh happy day! As much as I love primitive distressed vintage treasures, I don’t like pink, but she also carries these shabulous beauties in pastel light aqua!
http://www.etsy.com/listing/72810718/5-primmy-cottage-light-aqua-vintage?ref=v1_other_1
May 3, 2011 at 2:55 pm
I’m quite entertained that after being put through English to Japanese and back on Babelfish, this sentence:
“Join me for a writing workshop focused on telling your story in your profile, your item descriptions, your blog posts, and your tweets”
becomes this:
“Your profile, connect me for the writing study meeting which adjusts the focus to the post of your commodity explanation and your [burogu] and saying your story of your chirping”.
Yes! I want to say the story of my chirping!!
May 3, 2011 at 4:35 pm
I’m putting “Say the story of your chirping” on something. With a bird.
May 3, 2011 at 5:37 pm
Jecca, that’d actually be pretty cool.
May 3, 2011 at 2:58 pm
I want to scream whenever I see the phrase “shabby chic”. Shabby glitter chic will probably make me down some glitter in a shotglass and vomit all over the offending words.
May 3, 2011 at 4:10 pm
“Shabby Chic” always makes me think, “pale, poorly made and worn out before sold.”
May 4, 2011 at 8:13 am
“Shabby chic” reminds me of a Monty Python character named Ken Shabby. Who certainly wasn’t chic.
May 3, 2011 at 3:02 pm
This is the extra shabulous descrippy, translated to Japanese and then back to “English”…
Beginning if the treasure and pink of the type which is tormented are liked, these your crotch lining the complete shabulous small laundry pin exactly are because of [kotetsuji]! Beginning chippy it dampened it was tormented, the brush which came and is not the clothing pin of the wood of five types which were painted for the optional spark the paint of thin [kotetsujipinku] and glitter of pink of delicate hint is with here and there. There is an area which is large to a certain pin and is tormented, it is exactly sweet as the punch where the point of the excessive chippy paint has been attached. It can not obtain the strict pin which is shown or thing can do. The end which is rough and is tormented is the acrylic which is sealed up lightly. (continued, ran out of space!)
May 3, 2011 at 4:12 pm
it dampened it was tormented, the brush which came
IT’S PORN! WOO HOO!
May 3, 2011 at 4:34 pm
I agree, the end product certainly seems to look rough and tormented!
May 3, 2011 at 10:03 pm
“There is an area which is large to a certain pin and is tormented, it is exactly sweet as the punch where the point of the excessive chippy paint has been attached. ”
They got the excessive chippy paint correct anyway. Victory for Zim!
May 3, 2011 at 3:05 pm
(Continued from comment 66…)
“It adds the filler inlet of the lovely ball to the flower garland, or, makes the stolen article, or it ties with the gift where the bill has been attached. Ragged primmy type so very upchic your [kotetsuji]! “
May 3, 2011 at 3:06 pm
Shabulicious.
May 3, 2011 at 3:07 pm
Sooo if I’m understanding this they’re going to teach me how to write an item description on a typewriter and put it on the
interwebsinternet through said typewriter? If not I feel that’s false advertising.May 3, 2011 at 11:57 pm
Hee hee! Yes, it’s either one of those typewriters modded to act as a keyboard for your pc… or magic. I think it’s definitely magic, as we’re talking about an Etsy workshop.
May 3, 2011 at 3:07 pm
I have random pictures of dilapidated tile roofs, mossy logs, moldering fences, and cobblestones throughout the world. I wonder if there is a market in selling my crappy art-school bent photographs to etsy retailers as backgrounds? I can then sell them thesaurus entries for words to describe the juxtaposition of old and new. Shit. This is a business model being built. But let’s just keep it between the 76,000 of us, okay?
May 3, 2011 at 3:14 pm
I’d rather take a writing lesson from you, April.
There’s nothing less funny than trying too hard to be funny. Coleslaw? Is that what’s supposed to make me giggle nowadays?
May 3, 2011 at 5:30 pm
You need to be ahead of the curve.
Potato salad. I’m sure you’ve never heard of it.
May 3, 2011 at 3:16 pm
Chippy and Drippy are right up next to each other in that description in a way that makes me uncomfortable.
May 3, 2011 at 3:20 pm
HK, I really don’t know when the original fluffernutter stopped and yours started, I was laughing too hard to figure it out.
I adore them, I do, but my 20 open cheesedoodles bags need the ones with the springs in them, can you possibly whip, dip, snip, doodlydip a set for me?
Glitter, pleeeeze.
May 3, 2011 at 3:22 pm
aww… I thought no one cared about my Star Wars Disco Roller Derby wedding…
May 3, 2011 at 8:52 pm
I totally read this star wars dildo roller derby…
carry on…its time for bed
May 3, 2011 at 3:29 pm
how can a clothes pin be sweet as punch? did the seller lick them to find out?
May 3, 2011 at 4:08 pm
Probably. I suspect she rolled the pins in Pixie Stix while the paint was still wet.
May 3, 2011 at 3:35 pm
I’m changing my copywriting business tagline. “Scribblegoat: Because some of us cater to the 22% of all Etsy customers who come from Google, not the crazy 5% who come from Storque.”
May 3, 2011 at 3:38 pm
“upcycled recycled salvaged repurposed reclaimed glass mason jars metal tin cans shabby chic glitter roses beach cottage hand made & vintage romantic whimsical home decor trash to treasure creative kitschy objects of amusement” – Shop Announcement
Wow. Just gets worse and worse.
And according to my Oxford Dictionary of Current English, the definition of “Kitsch” or to be “Kitschy” is as follows: Worthless pretentiousness or bad taste in art.
Maybe having that word in your shop is not a grand idea…
May 3, 2011 at 8:52 pm
and kitsch also translates as trash in German slang.
that seller is so clueless its disgusting
May 4, 2011 at 8:16 am
I use it for those wooden tourist parrots from the 60s. There’s no other way to say “tourist crap I turned into handmade jewelry.” Well, there’s “tourist crap I turned into handmade jewelry,” but that would require more than 76,000 Regretsian shoppers.
May 3, 2011 at 3:38 pm
Did you see the example profile? (Which Ms. Coleslaw calls “exemplary”, btw)
“As a visual artist, I value beauty that brings well-being. A lot of my work arises from merging my love for sculpting and painting the human form with my love for making things that feel good to use in daily living.”
My roommate and I came up with a game for stupidly bland artist statements like these. SEE IF YOU CAN GUESS THE RULES
“As a pooper, I value beauty that brings well-being. A lot of my poop arises from merging my love for crapping and sharting the human form with my love for pooping things that feel good to use in daily living.”
Stuff like this perons’ profile is just so meaningless I could cry. I mean, think of the opposite of the first sentence: “As a visual artist, I value ugliness that makes you feel like shit!” See? You might as well just write “I LIKE HAPPY THINGS THAT ARE GOOD” and you’d be at about the same level of depth, but without all those pesky words.
May 3, 2011 at 3:43 pm
Hm, this observation is SO insightful it completely slipped the rest of us (seriously!).
May 3, 2011 at 7:06 pm
I did see the “exemplary example.”
HERS: I love drinking tea from hand made wares, and I find that by making such wares artfully, the experience of using them is deepened and enhanced.
MINE: I love drinking from cheap whiskey bottles, and I find that plucking them from the hands of homeless drunks only deepens and ehnaces the experience of Hepatitis C.
Also, pleae note that she builds a “relationship” with her clay & that while “mixing and wedging it” she get[s} to know it very well.” Oh well, I guess it beats diddling the slaw.
May 4, 2011 at 8:20 am
ONE cutesy element, people! ONE! You can get to know your clay with uncomfortable intimacy, or you can deepen and enhance the experience of drinking from a goddamn cup, or you can merge your love for the human form with your love for things that feel good in ways OTHER than sex, but you can’t do all three or it’s sufficient basis for a diagnosis!
And none of us want that. Right?
May 3, 2011 at 3:38 pm
Salagadoola mechicka boola bibbidi-bobbidi-boo
Put ‘em together and what have you got
bibbidi-bobbidi-boo
May 3, 2011 at 3:51 pm
May 3, 2011 at 3:54 pm
better to see the fuckery
May 3, 2011 at 4:34 pm
May 3, 2011 at 5:11 pm
I am the walrus Goo goo g’ joob
May 3, 2011 at 4:02 pm
I removed it because it came out eensy meansie teeny tiny iddy biddy didde diddle widdle peepity poppity poop
May 3, 2011 at 3:56 pm
Forgive me, but I used up all my best comments over on this hilarious etsy thread.
I feel like such a traitor. *hangs head in shame*
May 3, 2011 at 4:03 pm
I like cheese.
May 3, 2011 at 4:25 pm
The use of subliminal bacon as a marketing tool honestly never occurred to me before.
Consider me enlightened.
May 3, 2011 at 5:46 pm
As long as it’s not felted and hung from a string.
May 3, 2011 at 6:29 pm
That’s the name of my new band, Subliminal Bacon. And I dare you to say that without following it with MMmmmm…Bacon!
May 3, 2011 at 10:59 pm
That thread was amazing, by the way. I almost wonder if some of those cupcakers would fit in here, if they were free of the Marshmallow Gestapo. Plenty of them seemed witty and intolerant of bull-honkey.
May 3, 2011 at 11:24 pm
I’m so glad that you posted the link. It is good to know that there are so many Etsyites who would fit right in here.
A couple of my favorite responses to the workshit:
I sell paintings. Made of paint. Generally applied on things designed to hold paint. It doesn’t usually have much to do with food…
Silly me, I thought I was selling items, not enrolling in a creative writing course.
However, there are still persons like below; those uber boobers, even cabbage is releated to lactation:
cabbage also increases the production of breast milk, fights many diseases and is a natural winter time vitamin power food.
I also liked that her friend called us “that other site.” Kind of like Voldamort; if you say Regretsy you get posted.
May 5, 2011 at 6:27 am
the site that shall not be named …heh
May 3, 2011 at 4:17 pm
Oh, Etsy. That’s not going to bring you any closer to being a social networking site.
It just makes you look like inept marketers and borderline incoherent writers.
Also, those glasses are freaking me out.
May 3, 2011 at 4:22 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-X3OIeAGpU
david tenant said it better
May 3, 2011 at 4:32 pm
These hipsters dressing like old people are making me angry. Buy glasses that fit your face. Or take them off, since I doubt they are prescription.
May 3, 2011 at 4:32 pm
For Fuck’s Sake.
This is the kind of bullshit that made me temporarily put aside who I am in the mistaken belief that creating and writing in the “cuppycake fun time – you need to know all the cute details of my life” style – would get me sales.
Instead I came across as phony and my designs seemed forced. I wasn’t having fun anymore because I was trying so hard to fit the mold Etsy advised me to try to fit.
“Be different – but be different in THIS way” – fuck that noise right now!
May 5, 2011 at 6:26 am
yeah i tried it for a while…returned back to …
its a hat, i crocheted it, out of yarn..
May 3, 2011 at 4:41 pm
WHAT THE FUCK IS “PRIMMY”. Do they just mean “prim” but with an extra “m” and “y” because fuck the world?
On the upside, it sounds like British slang for something that would make me giggle.
May 3, 2011 at 5:19 pm
Sounds like another twee name for the toilet.
May 3, 2011 at 5:45 pm
Primmy is short for “primitive”. And grounds for murder as far as I’m concerned.
You’re thinking of “Pimm’s Cup”, of which a dozen would not be enough to make “Primmy” OK.
May 3, 2011 at 7:20 pm
Pimms, that’s what I need. Thanks for the reminder and I agree re primmy, justifiable homicide.
May 3, 2011 at 7:57 pm
LOL, thank you. I Googled it and only got Etsy results the first page, none of which helped me.
May 3, 2011 at 4:48 pm
Ratfuck is the new pocket watch.
May 3, 2011 at 5:50 pm
Don’t let them take “ratfuck” and make it hipster cool. I like “ratfuck” and would like to be able to continue its use.
May 3, 2011 at 5:22 pm
I might just watch that livestream tomorrow… As a graduate with a BA(honours)in English Studies, I am clearly in need of writing tips from Etsy.
I imagine this is going to be one glorious train wreck of bad advice and bullshit. At least I’m having fun with the ridiculous worksheet. If anyone else decides to fill it out, perhaps we could have some fun comparing notes, especially for the item story assignment
May 3, 2011 at 5:27 pm
Helen, your commentary on the clothespins is your best work yet. There has to be a word for the kind of laughing that induces.
May 3, 2011 at 7:12 pm
I think what is going on here is a difference in ways of thinking.
To misquote the groundbreaking movie Jungle2Jungle “Furniture may not talk, but it listens. You look at something and see what it IS. An artist looks and sees what it can be.” And in order to see what something can be, you need cruciferous vegetables smothered in a sweetened creamy, high fat, high cholesterol sauce while playing a rustic instrument with other like-minded musicians.
May 3, 2011 at 7:16 pm
Shabulous? Chippy drippy flippy bippy… urge to kill… rising….
Seriously, these are the lyrics to that song those kids were singing in the movie The Birds. And now we know why they attacked! This seller is clearly a damaged survivor from Bodega Bay.
May 3, 2011 at 7:34 pm
Check out sparkklejar’s (yes, 2 ks, not a typo) items.
(http://www.etsy.com/shop/sparkklejar?ref=seller_info ) She is actually trying to sell a tin can and a “vintage desk drawer salvaged distressed shabby cottage chic.” Not only does she describe it as primmy but she explains that “the roses are almost child like images” (look like flowers to me). I’m not sure what it worse – wasting time painting and selling a tin can and a random drawer or her writing. I’m surprised that she isn’t teaching the class instead of Michelle.
May 3, 2011 at 8:26 pm
and she is probably one of admins favorites too. rumor has it her cans have made the front page. how pathetic.
May 3, 2011 at 10:26 pm
Is it better to have your cans on the front page or your jugs?
May 3, 2011 at 8:30 pm
From the tin can description:
“…distressed, decaled and sealed for your amusement.”
“streaky poorly mixed paint, decaled with a pink rose.”
I like the “FOR YOUR AMUSEMENT”. Maybe she knows. Maybe the cupcakes are watching through the telescreen and this is her only form of rebellion.
May 3, 2011 at 8:35 pm
could be…
http://sparkklejar.blogspot.com/2010/09/success-in-mediocrity.html
May 3, 2011 at 10:19 pm
the tutu mafia is more dangerous than cupcakes
May 3, 2011 at 10:25 pm
If she offers her can for others amusement that could explain how she got on the front page.
May 3, 2011 at 10:34 pm
i totally heard that.
May 3, 2011 at 7:52 pm
The Regresty contingent who attends the ratfuck need to come up with some signal so they’ll know each other and the online audience will know them as well.
May 3, 2011 at 8:16 pm
A batman-esque silhouette of a mustache on the wall?
May 3, 2011 at 8:17 pm
Or better yet, level 4 photoshop cat.
May 3, 2011 at 8:17 pm
They could all carry pickles. If anyone asks, Regretsians could claim that the pickles were prototypes for organic dildos.
May 3, 2011 at 8:34 pm
It be better if it’s something that would require no explanation and be obvious only to Regrestians. Like having a pocket watch hanging from your belt loop or lapel and giving a knowing nod to other watch wearers. Or responding “Say What?” when the instructor provides a useful or inspiring tidbit.
May 3, 2011 at 8:58 pm
Actually, Michelle likes pickles, so that might work. Regretsians can bring Michelle pickles rather than the traditional apple for teacher gift. http://www.etsy.com/people/mtraub
May 3, 2011 at 7:54 pm
I so wish there was time for behind the scenes prep. We could come up with a cast of characters: The Poorly Camouflaged Reseller, The Not Steampunker, The Bottom of the Barrel Scraper, the My-Shit-Smells-Like-Roses-er, the Condescendingly Judgmental Natural Wombyn, and of course The Bat Shit.
May 3, 2011 at 8:15 pm
I am even more disgusted at the people who have tried to get me to write bullshit descriptions bios like this. The customer doesn’t give a flying fuck what I do in my spare time.
May 3, 2011 at 9:27 pm
To be honest, when I’m shopping, I’m usually shopping for me. I could give a rat’s ass about what the hell a seller does on the weekends. I’m being selfish! It’s all about me! The description should be wooing me and inflating my fragile ego…
May 4, 2011 at 8:40 am
Nevermind that she’s wearing those stupid fraking glasses that I had when I was 10. I was teased to no end and now SHE thinks they’re cool because she’s a stupid fucking hipster?!
May 4, 2011 at 12:07 pm
Distressed, the listing said. And distressed they are. Oh, if you knew their distress!
May 4, 2011 at 12:37 pm
makes you wonder where they’ve been.
May 4, 2011 at 7:09 pm
they need blue glitter tears, im stealing this pic for my blog.
May 5, 2011 at 12:00 am
Please do. Or just steal the idea and make a better pic than mine. With blue glitter tears!
May 5, 2011 at 10:34 pm
thank you kaijuchris
May 4, 2011 at 1:08 pm
Do you know how hard it is to get laid when you smell like coleslaw?
May 4, 2011 at 4:11 pm
No, I don’t. Tell us!
May 5, 2011 at 11:27 am
Sorry, I don’t really know. I was just quoting Dinner for Schmucks.
May 5, 2011 at 6:23 am
article from artfire titled “If you are from etsy” very funny when taken in after reading this…
http://www.artfire.com/modules.php?name=forums&op=view_topic&tid=13240…
exerpt1) You have to title and describe your items for the things people search for. Artsy titles like “sunset flame” are not searched by shoppers. “hibiscus shea butter soap” is searched. …..
2) If you just duplicate your Etsy shop here and do not change the titles and descriptions this studio will get ZERO traffic. …
May 5, 2011 at 8:56 pm
Michelle looks like pictures of my mom from the 70′s. Sorry mom :\