ANYONE, ANY AGE, ANY TIME, ANY OCCASION

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Swearing is highly encouraged.

Well, it’s been a vagina-filled few weeks here at Regretsy headquarters*.

*My couch

We’ve had vaginas on jackets, vaginas on walls, vaginas that sing and vaginas we might not have wanted to see quite so much of.

But there’s one awesome category of vaginalia we haven’t featured recently: Vajewelry! So let’s just relax and get this over with.

There’s a lot going on here, so we may have to break this down systematically to get through it.

1. I didn’t know this until recently, because I’m not insane, but a Red Tent party is a shindig you throw for your mortified daughter when she starts staining her Underoos. Isn’t that the funnest? You have a big fucking party and I have no idea what you do there, except maybe give away tampons and have virgin Bloody Marys. The whole thing sounds utterly horrifying, and if your daughter isn’t already spending a lot of time in her room weeping, this will ensure that she doesn’t come downstairs for a month.

2. This is the hideous piece of Vajewelry you’re supposed to buy for your bleeding daughter, and that you expect her to wear to band practice. Theoretically this is a representation of her breasts and bajingo, and I guess that subtle red droplet is her period. Personally I think it looks more like the housekeeper on The Jetsons.

Here is where things really start getting annoying.

3. This isn’t Nancy Drew and the Mystery of the Bloody Gym Shorts. It’s her period. It happens every month, or she’s pregnant. She might also be in menopause, but if that were the case, she’s in her 50′s and you’re probably dead.

4. Your daughter is not a maiden. You live in a condo, not the Shire. Unless she’s dancing around the Maypole or has the Black Plague, she’s just a teenager. Also Maidens generally don’t have braces and ride their bike to the 7-11.

5. Do not, under any circumstances, spell “woman” with a y. I don’t even know how to start cataloging my revulsion to this practice. When you have to start coming up with new ways to spell common words, the terrorists have won. It is the most annoying, affected horse shit imaginable, apart from calling yourself a goddess, which you also aren’t, unless you live on the moon and can turn yourself into an apple.

6. See 5

7. In addition to not being a womyn or a goddess, your daughter is most likely not a priestess. Ask yourself if people routinely drop by the house to see if Caitlyn can perform an exorcism after school. If the answer is no, she’s just a 13 year old girl who doesn’t need made up fairy titles or a bloody vagina necklace. She just needs a pad and a couple of Midol, and for you to stay the fuck away from Etsy.