- Submitted by Jessica

Just in Time for Passover!

A few weeks ago, we told you about the sad hipster in the one sleeved scarf slarf. He was sad. Sad and dancing.

And why wouldn’t he be? It’s hard to be a hipster. Not only do you have the stress of just being ironic all day long, you have to find a way to connect in the mean streets of Brooklyn, where people would just as soon blog as look at you.

So how do you do it? How do you find the Franny to your Zooey? How do you look across a crowded Boba shop and see the person you were meant to be above it all with?

Well, you can’t. Not by yourself, anyway. So why not let Regretsy do it for you? Let us find your Partner in Ennui. We’re just sitting here looking at pictures all day, we’ll probably see them before you will. Maybe that’s because our glasses actually have lenses in them.

Here’s our first match, using our 29 dimensions of Wessonality. That’s actually from an old commercial, but you wouldn’t know that because you don’t own a TV.

Sad Hipster, meet the Future Mrs. Sad Hipster.

Okay, maybe it’s not perfect. There is a bit of an age difference, but you always loved Harold and Maude! And maybe she likes big open stitches and he likes tighter knits, but they both like sleeves with neck holes and they both like looking sad. That’s enough to build a dream on.

Most importantly, they both love to dance.

Have fun, you two!

Click to find out . . .

As you know, the good folks at Etsy put an assortment of super special items on their front page, hoping to fool you into thinking that’s what they sell there. These items are chosen in a very deliberate and careful way, and by that I mean they throw some corn on a keyboard, and post whatever their chicken pecks out.

Case in point: a delicious, sunny, citrusy, honey-mustard coated treasury of yummy nummy handpicked fuckery that appeared on Etsy’s front page Sunday night.

Isn’t that so… orange? And it’s French too! I mean, I don’t know why it’s french, but they say that it is, and there’s a little Eiffel Tower in one of the pictures, so… je t’adore!

And of course, everyone loves this treasury, because that’s what people do on Etsy – they talk about how super cute and great and awesome everything is:

These are actual quotes. Only the names and avatars have been changed to protect the craftards

That’s right! The brown paper package tied up with string on the front page of Etsy isn’t even an actual object. IT’S JUST A SHIPPING OPTION.

But it’s a really cute shipping option! OMG it’s so cute, you guys! Super cute. I don’t know why your shipping option is on Regretsy, I think it’s cute. I heart your shipping option and added it to my favorite shipping options. You can’t get cute shipping options like this at the big box stores.

And here’s the best part of this clusterfuck: you can’t sell something like this on Etsy. It’s against their Terms of We Can’t Find Our Ass With a Map. They’re using front page real estate to promote something you aren’t allowed to sell. So if you can’t buy it and you can’t sell it, why is it on the front page?

BECAUSE IT’S THE RIGHT COLOR. That stupid fucking box matches the rest of this merde bébé collection, and that’s good enough for them.

In fact, it could have looked like this:

It reminds me of an article I read once, about how people who are mentally defective or schizophrenic make decisions based solely on color. And isn’t that what we’re really talking about? A building full of adults using giant phones, drinking out of toy cups and wearing their clothes backwards?

MAYBE THIS WHOLE THING IS A CRY FOR HELP