hey… i like it… one of my cats was JUST like this. she was black and white.. i was convinced she was a breeding experiment between tuxedo cats and killer whales.
Maybe mocking his sad attempts to walk around brightens their day. Or maybe they just like stuffing him full of country fried steak. Some people get joy from the little things, man.
All that aside, I really wasn’t talking about any specific commercialized kitty. I was just referencing corporate big wigs and consumerism. As always, just taking full advantage of the 1000 characters for my tiny little soapboxes.
It’s so good I don’t need to try any more. All that editing I do for short stories? Pointless. All that trying to make poems scan and shit? Utterly worthless. All I need to do is slap it on a poorly taken picture of something cute and I can sell it on etsy.
… Ok, I think I hit my rage line. Gonna back off now.
Why would anyone want to buy a picture of someone else’s cat? I have cats and I think they’re adorable but I would never expect anyone to want to buy their pictures, even if they included awesome poems.
This is the sort of person who puts clothes on their cat and thinks that the cat cares about their problems. Someday, when they die in their hoarders-esque house and nobody comes looking for them, that obese cat will eat their flesh.
My fat ass almost choked on a Dorito over the cat eating their rotting corpse. So true. (as an aside, I have a degree in Forensic Science and we talked a lot about pets eating their owners decomposing bodies. )
Our cat is fat, but she was born that way. Oh, I mean we got her that way. Sorry, I have to fit a Gaga reference in every day.
How do we make her skinny again!?
Depends on what you’re feeding her now – that may not be the problem, but it’s the most obvious thing to check. If the first ingredient is corn, take her off that shit. Cats don’t need the kind of carbs a lot of companies load into their cat food.
This cat has a serious physical handicap and it’s not his weight.
Look at those stubby little front arms. They look like noodles.
(He is cute though) :O)
Look, when you’re fucking around in Photoshop while you’re supposed to be working, sometimes you overlook these details… besides, i already flattened the layers, so there’s no going back.
not a big fan of that song…How about Fatty Green here with Cee-Lo in one paw and Charlton Heston in the other? He be alternately biting their heads off.
No, that cat of yours does not love you,
I’m surprised that he goes “meow” not “moo”
In fact, if anything, he looks kinda mad,
Maybe because his people suck at poetry, how sad.
Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t really see much regretability in this… My own criteria is if I’m laughing so hard my tummy hurts and I have tears in my eyes – the item is regretsy-worthy, and this effect normaly stays for at least 10 minutes.
Among other things (like shitty quality) this falls into the category of Regretsy items I like to call “WHY?”
What person of nominally average, or even below average, intelligence thinks that other people would actually want to buy a snapshot of their cat with a little poem that relates to nothing but that particular cat?
I mean, even if the photography and poetry were good, what on earth would ever motivate someone to buy that?
And is it really THAT hard for people to stop and think, “Gee, if it were me, and someone else offered this product for sale, would I buy it? Oh wait. Fuck no, I wouldn’t buy this!”
BTW from some of the facebook comments featured here regretsy readers are fat and miserable and whatever, this cat must be a regretsy reader too:) We might yet read his comment!
Wow. My fat cat passed away a couple of weeks ago. Shall I go dig him up and offer pictures of his corpse? Along with a nifty poem, of course, all tastefully placed on barn wood.
Perform amateur taxidermy instead (cause it’s not as if preserving dead animals takes any skill, really anyone can do it!) and staple him to the barnwood. Glue on a shitty poem and you’re set. I reckon £300?
My cat was that fat. 26lbs of fat. His aging grandparents were coddling him. So what did I do? Because I love him? I didn’t take pics and write poems about him. What I did do was PUT THAT FAT BASTARD ON A DIET SO HE WOULDN’T DIE. ‘Nuff said.
We had to put our chubby tabby/white kitty on a diet. After a year of getting her slimmed down, she developed an overactive thyroid. Poor cat couldn’t win…
A square is a kind of rectangle, though most people think of rectangles as having unequal side lengths. I realize I’m making a boring point, but technically the seller is correct.
What makes people think others want pictures of their animals? Yes, we know you love your pet, now go pet your pussy somewhere else. Now promise me a good picture of my own animals and we will talk. Until then, keep your fleas to yourself.
I have a funny, furry friend
His name is Mister Max
He likes to hide beneath my bed
My ankles, he attacks
He’s sneaky and he’s sleeky
And he’s crazy like a fox
He steals the food right from my plate
Then shits it in a box
Now THAT is an ode to a feline companion. If you can do one for old, toothless Simba who likes to lick EVERY FUCKING thing that crosses his path, like plastic bags and feet and furniture, until his owner nearly loses it and takes a shotgun out on the I-90… wait what were we talking about? Oh yeah, I love my cat.
A geriatric kitty cat
Who wears a fur coat, but no hat
Plastic bags he loves the mostest
Toothless tuna halitosis
I often wonder if I’ll miss
My feline footie fetishist
Another update, I’m filled with glee;
There’s ‘big pussy’ on Regretsy.
Mousewheel clicked, new tab is loading,
Half expecting hipster clothing.
Disappointment grows in me,
It’s just a cat and bad poetry
Of green the Calico with 5 asses.
This could be better with mustaches.
Damn that bitch may be fat, but I want it! I have a thing for cats that need rescued, and while the other 7 have been rescued from bullet wounds, starvation, moving vehicles, and whoring I think I can make an exception for the next contestant on The Biggest Loser.
My Maine Coon mix cat used to be fat — 21.5 pounds was her top weight. The vets all said she’d get diabetes and die, but she showed ‘em all! She got cancer instead. We like to joke that she found the ultimate way to eat all you want and still lose weight, but unfortunately it’s got one hell of a side effect.
A decrepit old gas man named Peter
While hunting around for the meter
Touched a leak with his light
He arose out of sight
And, as anyone can see by reading this, he also destroyed the meter.
Postmenopaws {Stronger Than Derp}
March 29, 2011 at 2:44 pm
I read the poem and saw the pic
But had to run to pee real quick.
A tinkle, a thought, a heavy sigh:
“Your cat is fat. It’s gonna die.”
Now back, I see it’s consequential:
I am channelling April Winchell.
Nevermind the laser eyes, the bad poetry, or the bad type face… would it have killed you to adjust the font size and kerning so each line of the poem ended up on A SINGLE LINE!?!
I have a cock, his name is Ween.
Ween is the best, the best you’ve seen.
His girth is wide, wide as our house.
He will not stray or catch a louse.
He lays limp all day and runs hard all night.
When friends come by, he’s such a sight.
He squirts at nothing on the wall, and never cums until I call.
But I still love him, it’s plain to see.
I love my cock and he loves me.
Canon*snap snap* Hewlett-Packard *snap snap* Kodak, Lexmark*snap snap snap snap* This is is supposed to be handmade? *snap snap snap snap snap snap* *drinks a lot of red wine and falls down*
I’m not gonna lie- fat cats are fun because you can piss them off by jiggling their belly-fat pouchy-thing (if said purr-monkey is not so fat that it has become barrel-shaped). on your lap and make them play the drums on their own belly-fat. The possibilities are endless, because fat cats are just more feline to love.
However, I’m not so crazy as to think that anyone would buy a photo of either of my lil chubsters, with or without poetry done in MS Paint.
Postmenopaws {Stronger Than Derp}
March 29, 2011 at 4:28 pm
We had a cat we adopted as a fat-cat, but we helped her lose weight. Her skin didn’t shrink back, though. So she was Bag-O-Cat for the rest of her life.
you actually looked that up? awesome!
well duh as charlie would say-we made it up watching our huge huntress run through the house with her empty sac swingin’ after a successful visit to her box!
I do not like him with a mustache.
Your steampunk octopus gave me a rash.
I will not like him here or there.
I will not like him anywhere.
I will not like your green cat.
Nor, do I like that glittery hat.
Ten dollars PLZ!!
That poem reminded me of a song we had to write in music class in 6th grade. While just about everyone copied some rock song and changed words around – I totally came up with something orignal about my teddy bear. Then was laughed at when I sang it aloud.
Your super chub cat is your own muse,
one that i would never choose,
My kid says your poetry sucks,
and that he thinks you feed your cat hockey pucks,
if I can come up with this silly rhyme in a second or two,
what does that say about you?
Long years have I awaited my immortal cat’s death,
I cannot get a puppy, til she draws her last breath.
If I had but known, the danger of feeding cats pies…
Now I’ll fill her with cakes, and practice sorrowful eyes.
I have a cat, he is quite fat,
I feed him often, it’s made him soften,
He rarely plays or runs.
He is so round, packing on the pounds,
It’s been so long since he was slimly.
Now diabetic, it’s quite pathetic,
But he’s such good friends with Wilford Brimley.
In spite of forced exercise and tiny portions, one of our cats, now known simply as “The Big Tuna”…is still 19 pounds.
This is her, preparing to eat, I mean greet, the Spring.
We are convinced that there is a Hostess Snowball stash somewhere, or maybe she is just catching the fat from us..by osmosis or something, as we ARE fat jealousing losers.
This just makes me miss our Beat Kitty. He died three years ago, at the age of 14, and he was a huge kitty. He was, until he discovered the little old ladies in the senior apartments across the street from our house, 15 pounds of muscle kitty. After he met the old ladies, who would feed the Poor, Starving Kitty (yeah…must have been the cataracts!), he became 18 pounds of Tubby The Lard-Ass Kitty.
I would give almost anything to have him back. I miss him dreadfully. He was a cat who thought he was a dog, who thought he was human. He was trained to sit, he was attempting at one point to learn to turn the back door knob to get in the house from outside, he could open cabinets….and if one of us was sick, he could be found cuddled up with the sickie. He loved us unconditionally, and we loved him.
I need to go. I have something in my eye. Yeah. Something in my eye, right there.
March 29, 2011 at 1:28 pm
We lay bricks, we lie around the house. If my 5 year old daughter could remember this, you can too, Etsy poet seller.
March 29, 2011 at 1:45 pm
THANK YOU Poppaeia. I’m SO glad this is the first comment.
March 29, 2011 at 3:17 pm
Maybe he’s laying eggs?
March 29, 2011 at 1:28 pm
I can haz lard?Edited for using Cheezburger Speak. – BD
March 29, 2011 at 3:57 pm
Oh, noes! (sorry. just had to)This type of talk ends up in the spam filter. You get one. – BD
March 29, 2011 at 1:28 pm
This poem’s literary gold
(if written by a nine-year-old).
March 29, 2011 at 3:35 pm
hey… i like it… one of my cats was JUST like this. she was black and white.. i was convinced she was a breeding experiment between tuxedo cats and killer whales.
March 29, 2011 at 4:18 pm
Her belly reminds me of The Creation of Adam lol.
March 29, 2011 at 5:12 pm
Kraken, I’ve got one of those!
March 29, 2011 at 6:01 pm
tuxedo cats? or killer whales?
March 29, 2011 at 7:45 pm
Hey! Where’d you get a photo of my Max kitty?!?
Seriously, he lays just like that, is the same tuxedo markings and is just as fat. Heh.
No collar though.
March 30, 2011 at 12:24 am
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
March 29, 2011 at 1:29 pm
You mean 8×10 is the largest size I can get? Because I was thinking 24 x 36 would be great. Damn, I should have rhymed this.
March 29, 2011 at 1:37 pm
This stupid cat that’s as big as a whale
Could be better sized for a thumbnail.
March 29, 2011 at 1:29 pm
“Slightly comical” indeed.
If by slightly, they mean “not at all”.
March 29, 2011 at 3:22 pm
Like Garfield!!!
March 29, 2011 at 1:30 pm
He can’t play or catch a mouse because his arteries are clogged and his hind legs can’t bear the weight. Poor kitty.
March 29, 2011 at 1:32 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
March 29, 2011 at 1:40 pm
Maybe mocking his sad attempts to walk around brightens their day. Or maybe they just like stuffing him full of country fried steak. Some people get joy from the little things, man.
March 29, 2011 at 1:41 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
March 29, 2011 at 1:45 pm
True. He kind of reminds me of Don Vito. Sans lazy eye, of course.
March 29, 2011 at 7:11 pm
more like Dom DeLuise !
March 29, 2011 at 1:43 pm
But he can still “run at night”? Hmmm…
March 29, 2011 at 2:22 pm
Obviously not fast enough.
March 29, 2011 at 2:46 pm
Possible a reference to his stool consistency.
March 29, 2011 at 2:47 pm
*PossiblY
i iz littrit
March 29, 2011 at 1:30 pm
I am furious.
I was promised a “slightly comical look” into this big pussy’s life, and it was not delivered.
FALSE. ADVERTISING.
March 29, 2011 at 2:12 pm
I am confused and infuriated. I was promised a big pussy, and all I got was a lousy picture of a cat.
March 29, 2011 at 1:30 pm
I’m a fan of the big pussy, personally.
March 29, 2011 at 1:30 pm
Comic Sans is so whimsicle.
March 29, 2011 at 2:33 pm
I think that’s actually Marker Felt, which is pretty bad, but not the level of criminality that Comic Sans reaches.
One of the diploma mill “colleges” in Portland uses Comic Sans in one of it, as though they’ve given up even the pretense of credibility.
March 29, 2011 at 2:34 pm
Damn it, “one of its ads,” I mean.
March 29, 2011 at 3:18 pm
dissing the font? Kinda mainstream!
March 30, 2011 at 8:50 pm
March 29, 2011 at 1:31 pm
Just what the world needs! Another fat cat trying to capitalize on bullshit.
March 29, 2011 at 1:44 pm
But… but I like Garfield. (classic comic strips, not stupid ass movies)
March 29, 2011 at 1:48 pm
How can you hate Mondays?! You don’t even WORK!
March 29, 2011 at 2:34 pm
But there already IS a Garfield.
All that aside, I really wasn’t talking about any specific commercialized kitty. I was just referencing corporate big wigs and consumerism. As always, just taking full advantage of the 1000 characters for my tiny little soapboxes.
Now, then. Please pass the catnip lasagna.
March 29, 2011 at 1:31 pm
Just because it rhymes
Doesn’t make it poetry
Or worth ten dollars
March 29, 2011 at 1:36 pm
Burma Shave.
March 29, 2011 at 3:22 pm
This. Hilarious!
March 29, 2011 at 2:40 pm
But Daisyj, your haiku is lovely poetry!
March 29, 2011 at 3:15 pm
Pussy! Pussy! rhyming slight
On the Etsy listings blight
What immoral hand or eye
could frame you fearful fuckery?
Hey, Blake would be hard pressed ,too you know.
March 29, 2011 at 3:17 pm
Pussy! Pussy! rhyming slight
On the Etsy listings blight
What immoral hand or eye
could frame your fearful fuckery?
DAMN TYPOS, lol
March 29, 2011 at 9:37 pm
I love the way I read that out loud. Like “Fucker eye” or “fuck her eye.”
Thank you for your Blake reference!
March 29, 2011 at 3:19 pm
I would pay for your haiku in a nice frame.
March 29, 2011 at 1:32 pm
Cake and Pie is the best thing about this post.
March 29, 2011 at 1:32 pm
Plastering a terrible poem on a picture of your obese cat does not make you a poet, a photographer or an artist.
March 29, 2011 at 1:45 pm
It does on etsy! Put a bird on it with some barnwood in the background and they are set for life.
March 29, 2011 at 1:52 pm
It’s so good I don’t need to try any more. All that editing I do for short stories? Pointless. All that trying to make poems scan and shit? Utterly worthless. All I need to do is slap it on a poorly taken picture of something cute and I can sell it on etsy.
… Ok, I think I hit my rage line. Gonna back off now.
March 29, 2011 at 2:03 pm
which does beg the question, “Why isn’t this cat on barnwood?”
March 29, 2011 at 2:55 pm
I put the cat on barnwood for you but I can’t figure out how to upload the picture
March 29, 2011 at 2:35 pm
Or stick it in the mail!
March 29, 2011 at 2:39 pm
Nor does it make you a good pet owner! Seriously, is there a cat protective services? lol. That’s just sad…
March 29, 2011 at 3:54 pm
Is that not what CPS stands for?! What else could it be?? :[
March 29, 2011 at 5:51 pm
It’s what the Etsy people consider themselves; CPS: Crap Protective Services.
March 29, 2011 at 1:32 pm
Why would anyone want to buy a picture of someone else’s cat? I have cats and I think they’re adorable but I would never expect anyone to want to buy their pictures, even if they included awesome poems.
March 29, 2011 at 10:55 pm
I concur. If this is a really good seller, he’ll take a photo of my cat (much more beautiful, I must say) and write a poem about him.
March 29, 2011 at 1:34 pm
holy shit!
my cat is fat and adorable and does crazy crap. I think I have a little goldmine on my lap!
March 29, 2011 at 1:34 pm
I laughed so hard at this it brought me to tears.
March 29, 2011 at 1:35 pm
This is the sort of person who puts clothes on their cat and thinks that the cat cares about their problems. Someday, when they die in their hoarders-esque house and nobody comes looking for them, that obese cat will eat their flesh.
Good times.
March 29, 2011 at 2:20 pm
This is also the kind of person that I would see walking their cat on a leash. In a snow storm.
March 31, 2011 at 2:57 am
My fat ass almost choked on a Dorito over the cat eating their rotting corpse. So true. (as an aside, I have a degree in Forensic Science and we talked a lot about pets eating their owners decomposing bodies. )
March 29, 2011 at 1:35 pm
i am moved by that truly beautiful poetry
*heavy dose of sarcasm coming in…… right about now*
March 29, 2011 at 2:38 pm
eva, I gave you a thumbs-up but it registered as a thumbs-down so don’t think nobody loves you, k?
March 29, 2011 at 3:25 pm
I gave a thumbs up to even everything out
March 29, 2011 at 1:35 pm
But at least they put more effort into crafting something than just gluing a resin flower onto a “vintage” ring base.
March 29, 2011 at 1:47 pm
I don’t agree. This could be made in MS Paint. We have artists here at Regretsy who can make TRUE level 4 pieces of art.
March 29, 2011 at 1:36 pm
Fat cats make me so sad. =[
March 29, 2011 at 5:54 pm
Our cat is fat, but she was born that way. Oh, I mean we got her that way. Sorry, I have to fit a Gaga reference in every day.
How do we make her skinny again!?
March 29, 2011 at 7:13 pm
Depends on what you’re feeding her now – that may not be the problem, but it’s the most obvious thing to check. If the first ingredient is corn, take her off that shit. Cats don’t need the kind of carbs a lot of companies load into their cat food.
March 29, 2011 at 1:37 pm
Having a fat hairy pussy that is also green, maybe they should buy the hilly billy bajingo wash?
March 29, 2011 at 2:52 pm
Ow, ow, ow. I spit AND swallowed a big chunk of ice…
March 29, 2011 at 1:38 pm
This cat has a serious physical handicap and it’s not his weight.
Look at those stubby little front arms. They look like noodles.
(He is cute though) :O)
March 29, 2011 at 1:46 pm
He’s like a furry T-Rex.
March 29, 2011 at 1:39 pm
That must be a pretty narrow house…
March 29, 2011 at 1:39 pm
I’m picturing him with a big gold chain around his neck, like Notorious BIG. And a little gold octopus dangling from it.
March 29, 2011 at 3:19 pm
Like this?
March 29, 2011 at 3:28 pm
pleasepleaseplease tell my you wrote this.
March 29, 2011 at 3:33 pm
It’s “Big Poppa” by Notorious B.I.G. You could say I catified it. I’m a big Biggie fan.
March 29, 2011 at 3:32 pm
Extra points for “mackin queens”–you know both rap lingo and cat breeder jargon. Impressive skill set.
March 29, 2011 at 3:34 pm
Some would call it a sickness.
March 29, 2011 at 3:53 pm
This is really good, but the title “Green” no longer makes sense.
“Smoke nip with the girls”. Brilliant.
March 29, 2011 at 3:58 pm
Look, when you’re fucking around in Photoshop while you’re supposed to be working, sometimes you overlook these details… besides, i already flattened the layers, so there’s no going back.
March 29, 2011 at 4:14 pm
You sir or mam, are Amazeballs!
March 29, 2011 at 4:36 pm
ma’am, and why thank you. What else is a crazy cat lady who also likes rap to do in the middle of the work day?
March 29, 2011 at 3:50 pm
Could we try something with Cee-Lo Green?
I’m drawing a blank on what to do with “F**k You,” but the phrase “Cee-Lo Green is people” is cracking me up.
March 29, 2011 at 4:38 pm
not a big fan of that song…How about Fatty Green here with Cee-Lo in one paw and Charlton Heston in the other? He be alternately biting their heads off.
March 29, 2011 at 1:40 pm
Love them little mousies…
Mousies I love to eat…
Bite they little heads off…
Nibble on they tiny feet.
Meow.
March 29, 2011 at 2:39 pm
Kliban!!!
March 29, 2011 at 1:44 pm
March 29, 2011 at 1:46 pm
Work it, gurrrl!
March 29, 2011 at 2:45 pm
Green hangs with Charlie Sheen
That is the problem, Cherriebomb you are awesome.
March 29, 2011 at 8:01 pm
Thank you, thank you! I’ll be here all week! <3
March 29, 2011 at 1:45 pm
No, that cat of yours does not love you,
I’m surprised that he goes “meow” not “moo”
In fact, if anything, he looks kinda mad,
Maybe because his people suck at poetry, how sad.
March 29, 2011 at 1:47 pm
buying pics
of other people’s cats
makes as much sense
as buying dead rats
March 29, 2011 at 1:48 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
March 29, 2011 at 2:13 pm
Among other things (like shitty quality) this falls into the category of Regretsy items I like to call “WHY?”
What person of nominally average, or even below average, intelligence thinks that other people would actually want to buy a snapshot of their cat with a little poem that relates to nothing but that particular cat?
I mean, even if the photography and poetry were good, what on earth would ever motivate someone to buy that?
And is it really THAT hard for people to stop and think, “Gee, if it were me, and someone else offered this product for sale, would I buy it? Oh wait. Fuck no, I wouldn’t buy this!”
March 29, 2011 at 3:03 pm
Maybe if it was a picture of the buyer’s own cat, with a custom poem.
But this? I don’t want her telling me how much she loves her cat for free. Why would I pay to be reminded of this forever, in my own home?
Although… Some people have a fondness for representations of someone else’s love. Get that pussy on a refrigerator! Or at least a Royal Wedding mug!
March 29, 2011 at 6:33 pm
I don’t even want to hear people I know wax poetic about their pussies.
Or hear about them waxing their pussies. Poetically.
I’ll shut up now.
March 29, 2011 at 8:38 pm
I should have read your comment before making mine.
You wrote EXACTLY what I wanted to say, except you said it a thousand times better.
March 29, 2011 at 1:49 pm
Considering the pose, isn’t this kitty porn?
March 29, 2011 at 1:51 pm
BTW from some of the facebook comments featured here regretsy readers are fat and miserable and whatever, this cat must be a regretsy reader too:) We might yet read his comment!
March 29, 2011 at 1:53 pm
Oh cat with eyes of green, not gold,
I bet they mark your photo sold,
Because a tin type of such quaint flatus,
Is sure to bring the buyer status.
March 29, 2011 at 1:56 pm
Wow. My fat cat passed away a couple of weeks ago. Shall I go dig him up and offer pictures of his corpse? Along with a nifty poem, of course, all tastefully placed on barn wood.
March 29, 2011 at 2:00 pm
Perform amateur taxidermy instead (cause it’s not as if preserving dead animals takes any skill, really anyone can do it!) and staple him to the barnwood. Glue on a shitty poem and you’re set. I reckon £300?
March 29, 2011 at 2:03 pm
If the cat is roughly the same size as a pig’s head, you could even get $2000!
March 29, 2011 at 1:57 pm
At first glance I thought it was kitty porn, not poem. Where are my glasses???
March 29, 2011 at 2:03 pm
My cat was that fat. 26lbs of fat. His aging grandparents were coddling him. So what did I do? Because I love him? I didn’t take pics and write poems about him. What I did do was PUT THAT FAT BASTARD ON A DIET SO HE WOULDN’T DIE. ‘Nuff said.
March 29, 2011 at 3:17 pm
Twenty six pounds? Holy balls….my daughter is 3 and only weighs 30. Maybe I should start feeding her Meow Mix.
March 30, 2011 at 7:03 am
Try Fancy Feast – it worked for my cat!.
March 31, 2011 at 3:05 am
Or neutering. My friend’s dog ballooned after it was “fixed”.
March 29, 2011 at 10:10 pm
We had to put our chubby tabby/white kitty on a diet. After a year of getting her slimmed down, she developed an overactive thyroid. Poor cat couldn’t win…
March 29, 2011 at 2:07 pm
I think the best part is that they’re trying to sell a square image as rectangular prints, really.
March 29, 2011 at 2:39 pm
A square is a kind of rectangle, though most people think of rectangles as having unequal side lengths. I realize I’m making a boring point, but technically the seller is correct.
March 29, 2011 at 2:50 pm
Right, but the image is square, and they are saying you can buy it in 5×7 or 8×10, which are not square…
March 29, 2011 at 2:16 pm
What makes people think others want pictures of their animals? Yes, we know you love your pet, now go pet your pussy somewhere else. Now promise me a good picture of my own animals and we will talk. Until then, keep your fleas to yourself.
March 29, 2011 at 2:18 pm
HALP! I haz da diabeetus!Edited for using Cheezburger Speak. – BD
March 29, 2011 at 2:20 pm
Your cat is fat
Too fat to pounce
You’ll read all this
and then you’ll flounce
March 29, 2011 at 2:21 pm
This is how it’s done:
I have a funny, furry friend
His name is Mister Max
He likes to hide beneath my bed
My ankles, he attacks
He’s sneaky and he’s sleeky
And he’s crazy like a fox
He steals the food right from my plate
Then shits it in a box
R.I.P. Maximus
March 29, 2011 at 2:28 pm
Now THAT is an ode to a feline companion. If you can do one for old, toothless Simba who likes to lick EVERY FUCKING thing that crosses his path, like plastic bags and feet and furniture, until his owner nearly loses it and takes a shotgun out on the I-90… wait what were we talking about? Oh yeah, I love my cat.
March 30, 2011 at 3:47 pm
For Simba -
A geriatric kitty cat
Who wears a fur coat, but no hat
Plastic bags he loves the mostest
Toothless tuna halitosis
I often wonder if I’ll miss
My feline footie fetishist
March 29, 2011 at 3:17 pm
I lol’ed.
March 29, 2011 at 6:36 pm
Awesomebox!
March 29, 2011 at 2:22 pm
I don’t even want pictures of my own (admittedly slightly fat) cat, much less a completely crap poem about yours.
March 29, 2011 at 2:22 pm
Another update, I’m filled with glee;
There’s ‘big pussy’ on Regretsy.
Mousewheel clicked, new tab is loading,
Half expecting hipster clothing.
Disappointment grows in me,
It’s just a cat and bad poetry
Of green the Calico with 5 asses.
This could be better with mustaches.
March 29, 2011 at 2:24 pm
word!
March 29, 2011 at 11:00 pm
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March 29, 2011 at 2:23 pm
Excellent typesetting.
I can has orphans?
March 29, 2011 at 2:25 pm
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March 29, 2011 at 2:26 pm
Damn that bitch may be fat, but I want it! I have a thing for cats that need rescued, and while the other 7 have been rescued from bullet wounds, starvation, moving vehicles, and whoring I think I can make an exception for the next contestant on The Biggest Loser.
March 29, 2011 at 2:28 pm
THAT CAT DOES NOT LOVE YOU. Look into its eyes. It wants to know why you turned it into an upcoming TLC special.
March 29, 2011 at 2:28 pm
My cat is a mean little bitch.
When she gets fleas they make her itch.
If I dip her in resin will she make me rich?
March 29, 2011 at 2:30 pm
Isn’t it big of me
to write bad poetry
and put a comma, wherever I fucking want
March 29, 2011 at 2:37 pm
My Maine Coon mix cat used to be fat — 21.5 pounds was her top weight. The vets all said she’d get diabetes and die, but she showed ‘em all! She got cancer instead. We like to joke that she found the ultimate way to eat all you want and still lose weight, but unfortunately it’s got one hell of a side effect.
March 29, 2011 at 2:43 pm
“Lay” is a transitive verb and your meter fails in the 2nd and 3rd last lines and WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT A POEM ABOUT YOUR CAT IN THE FIRST PLACE?
March 29, 2011 at 3:27 pm
A decrepit old gas man named Peter
While hunting around for the meter
Touched a leak with his light
He arose out of sight
And, as anyone can see by reading this, he also destroyed the meter.
March 29, 2011 at 7:30 pm
There was an old woman from Wheeling
who claimed to have no sexual feeling
Until a young man named Boris
kissed her on the………..
um…..wrong pussy forum….. sorry……
March 29, 2011 at 2:44 pm
I read the poem and saw the pic
But had to run to pee real quick.
A tinkle, a thought, a heavy sigh:
“Your cat is fat. It’s gonna die.”
Now back, I see it’s consequential:
I am channelling April Winchell.
March 29, 2011 at 2:49 pm
Nevermind the laser eyes, the bad poetry, or the bad type face… would it have killed you to adjust the font size and kerning so each line of the poem ended up on A SINGLE LINE!?!
March 29, 2011 at 2:55 pm
I think my kid sister would have written a better poem when she was 7. And she’s not the brightest crayon in the box.
But neither is this “artist”, so I guess that’s ok.
March 29, 2011 at 2:56 pm
I have a cock, his name is Ween.
Ween is the best, the best you’ve seen.
His girth is wide, wide as our house.
He will not stray or catch a louse.
He lays limp all day and runs hard all night.
When friends come by, he’s such a sight.
He squirts at nothing on the wall, and never cums until I call.
But I still love him, it’s plain to see.
I love my cock and he loves me.
March 29, 2011 at 2:58 pm
March 29, 2011 at 3:06 pm
Fatty catty looks good against that barn wood.
March 29, 2011 at 3:06 pm
Barn (wood) cats!
March 29, 2011 at 3:06 pm
Just name your price! I want 2000 of these, by tomorrow!
March 29, 2011 at 3:12 pm
Lacquered onto a vintage Scrabble tile attached to green ribbon (to bring out their eyes)? Done. Custom listing up soon!
March 29, 2011 at 3:03 pm
For your amusement: A few of Mrs. Slocombe’s (Are You Being Served) “pussy” quotes!
from The Hero — “Today’s the day my pussy comes of age!”
from Cold Comfort — “You’re lucky to have me at all, Captain Peacock. I had to thaw me pussy out before I came. It had been out all night.”
from The Junior — “I’ve got to get home. If my pussy isn’t attended to by 8 o’clock, I shall be strokin’ it for the rest of the evening.”
March 29, 2011 at 4:56 pm
I loved that show!
March 29, 2011 at 3:05 pm
Can someone tell me what font that is??
It looks sort of like comic sans and that is a no no…
March 29, 2011 at 3:09 pm
Waaay up in the thread, QuadrophonicSound thought the font was Marker Felt.
March 29, 2011 at 3:13 pm
oh my god i think that is worse…I should really read slower…sorry
March 29, 2011 at 3:18 pm
My four cats together, yeah I’m a collector, aren’t as big as this cat…so so sad *off to feed cats*
March 29, 2011 at 3:50 pm
I’ve got 5. When they fight it sounds better than this poem.
March 29, 2011 at 3:22 pm
lol “slightly comical look into his life”
If anything it’s a hilarious look at the seller’s shitty poetry skills.
Also who the hell thinks Green is a good name for a cat?
March 29, 2011 at 3:24 pm
I have a pussy, I call it Crawtch
It does not need bajingo wash
It’s so damn fat and furry too,
I wrote this in 45 seconds;
Eff you.
March 29, 2011 at 3:29 pm
How about some beat poetry?
Dig this, “the print”
Canon *snap snap*
Hewlett-Packard *snap snap*
Kodak, Lexmark *snap snap snap snap*
This is is supposed to be handmade?
*snap snap snap snap snap snap*
*drinks a lot of red wine and falls down*
March 29, 2011 at 3:34 pm
I’m not gonna lie- fat cats are fun because you can piss them off by jiggling their belly-fat pouchy-thing (if said purr-monkey is not so fat that it has become barrel-shaped). on your lap and make them play the drums on their own belly-fat. The possibilities are endless, because fat cats are just more feline to love.
However, I’m not so crazy as to think that anyone would buy a photo of either of my lil chubsters, with or without poetry done in MS Paint.
March 29, 2011 at 3:50 pm
their pouchy thing is called a wildebeest sac. do you mind?
March 29, 2011 at 4:09 pm
I had a kitty with one of those who wasn’t fat – but he was old, so i assumed it was saggy skin, like old-man jowls.
I called it his waddle.
March 29, 2011 at 4:28 pm
We had a cat we adopted as a fat-cat, but we helped her lose weight. Her skin didn’t shrink back, though. So she was Bag-O-Cat for the rest of her life.
March 29, 2011 at 6:11 pm
Aw, we just call it an udder.
March 29, 2011 at 10:15 pm
One of ours came back from being spayed with one of those. Took forever for the fur to grow back, and since it was white fur, the skin was pink.
March 29, 2011 at 7:37 pm
I read Regretsy with another Google window always open….. I think you made *wildebeest sac * up ! not that there is anything wrong with that!
March 30, 2011 at 6:25 am
you actually looked that up? awesome!
well duh as charlie would say-we made it up watching our huge huntress run through the house with her empty sac swingin’ after a successful visit to her box!
March 29, 2011 at 4:07 pm
A nice little selection from “A Child’s Garden of Doggerel.”
Sorry, I just have a thing about using third-rate photography as an excuse to showcase fourth-rate poetry.
March 29, 2011 at 4:19 pm
March 29, 2011 at 5:20 pm
That was effin’ awesome.
March 29, 2011 at 4:19 pm
I do not like him with a mustache.
Your steampunk octopus gave me a rash.
I will not like him here or there.
I will not like him anywhere.
I will not like your green cat.
Nor, do I like that glittery hat.
Ten dollars PLZ!!
That poem reminded me of a song we had to write in music class in 6th grade. While just about everyone copied some rock song and changed words around – I totally came up with something orignal about my teddy bear. Then was laughed at when I sang it aloud.
March 29, 2011 at 4:35 pm
Your super chub cat is your own muse,
one that i would never choose,
My kid says your poetry sucks,
and that he thinks you feed your cat hockey pucks,
if I can come up with this silly rhyme in a second or two,
what does that say about you?
March 29, 2011 at 4:40 pm
It’s not easy being Green.
March 29, 2011 at 4:43 pm
he may be fat, but at least he got this modeling job…more than my lazy ass cats ever did! contribute, you damn cats!
March 29, 2011 at 5:29 pm
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March 29, 2011 at 6:08 pm
Here’s hoping she eats you in your sleep.
March 29, 2011 at 6:19 pm
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March 29, 2011 at 6:53 pm
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March 29, 2011 at 7:22 pm
Looks like the cat’s been stealing the lasagna from Garfield…
March 29, 2011 at 7:34 pm
I have a cat, he is quite fat,
I feed him often, it’s made him soften,
He rarely plays or runs.
He is so round, packing on the pounds,
It’s been so long since he was slimly.
Now diabetic, it’s quite pathetic,
But he’s such good friends with Wilford Brimley.
March 31, 2011 at 3:17 am
March 31, 2011 at 3:18 am
Eh crap, here’s the image.
March 29, 2011 at 8:30 pm
In spite of forced exercise and tiny portions, one of our cats, now known simply as “The Big Tuna”…is still 19 pounds.
This is her, preparing to eat, I mean greet, the Spring.
We are convinced that there is a Hostess Snowball stash somewhere, or maybe she is just catching the fat from us..by osmosis or something, as we ARE fat jealousing losers.
Still…fat can be beautiful..
March 29, 2011 at 9:54 pm
She looks like love! <3
March 30, 2011 at 5:06 am
She is….she is round, growly love with a pink nose.
March 29, 2011 at 11:05 pm
Take a series of those pics, flip them on the side, make an animated GIF and… voilà ! Sad Dancing Hipster Cat (with a flower) !
March 30, 2011 at 5:06 am
Oh…Damn you for planting this idea into my head.
March 29, 2011 at 8:36 pm
Sorry…so proud of my cat I forgot to make the comment:
Who the fuck wants pictures of someone else’s pet?
A painting of a cat? Sure. But a photograph, of someone else’s cat, that they don’t know, with a terrible poem attached.
To PURCHASE.
I want that sort of blissful unawareness. Life must be sort of lovely.
Also..the word “pie” is somehow, always, automatically funny. It’s a Mystery Rule of The Universe..
(was used beautifully here..)
March 29, 2011 at 8:55 pm
I hope that someday “It’s plain to see” gets banned from being used in poetry.
March 30, 2011 at 5:07 am
Yes….much like “self” and anything “sitting on a shelf” in lyrics.
March 29, 2011 at 9:41 pm
Replace the head with a picture of my ex husband and I’ll give it to you for free.
March 29, 2011 at 10:03 pm
This just makes me miss our Beat Kitty. He died three years ago, at the age of 14, and he was a huge kitty. He was, until he discovered the little old ladies in the senior apartments across the street from our house, 15 pounds of muscle kitty. After he met the old ladies, who would feed the Poor, Starving Kitty (yeah…must have been the cataracts!), he became 18 pounds of Tubby The Lard-Ass Kitty.
I would give almost anything to have him back. I miss him dreadfully. He was a cat who thought he was a dog, who thought he was human. He was trained to sit, he was attempting at one point to learn to turn the back door knob to get in the house from outside, he could open cabinets….and if one of us was sick, he could be found cuddled up with the sickie. He loved us unconditionally, and we loved him.
I need to go. I have something in my eye. Yeah. Something in my eye, right there.
March 30, 2011 at 5:09 am
Aw. ….I’m so sorry. VERY hard to lose a little pal like that.
March 30, 2011 at 12:48 am
I think that a slight rewriting would notably improve things:
I am Green the cat and I’m okay
I eat all night, I sleep all day
(He is Green the cat and he’s okay,
He sleeps all night and he eats all day)
I don’t climb trees,
I don’t eat mice,
I go to my litterbox
My owner wrote
This crappy poem
And sells it for a few bucks.
I am Green the cat and I’m okay…
March 30, 2011 at 3:54 pm
I nap all day
I eat my lunch
I never wander far
Just out to mummy’s garden
To piss upon her flowers
(Oh, he is Green the Cat and he’s okay…)
March 30, 2011 at 3:26 am
You guys are missing the worst offense of all:
http://www.etsy.com/listing/63375142/green-lovable-fat-cat-downloadable-file
$2.50 FOR A DOWNLOADABLE FILE.
March 30, 2011 at 6:18 am
Actually lol’d reading HK’s poem.
March 30, 2011 at 6:24 am
Because shitty pet photography just doesn’t sell the way it used to…
April 13, 2011 at 11:19 pm
really now is it just me or is this cat totally look posessed? Like I want to look away, but it is making me look back. creepy. SANS COMIC STARE
July 1, 2011 at 9:39 pm
I am not joking. This post just made pee my pant a tiny little bit. Kudos!
July 9, 2011 at 1:10 am
“Pants” sorry. Well technically, Capris.