Roseanne
Some of you may already know this, but I used to write for Roseanne. It was a very interesting experience. She tends to have a bad rap because, well, she’s insane. But at the time at least, she was an awesome person to know.
I think when you get to be very powerful and famous, you become the nucleus of your own world. Everyone around you is on your payroll, and to stay in your good graces, they just reinforce all of your terrible ideas. That’s why so many awful movies get made; famous people ask their trusted advisers if something bad is a good idea, and those people say “yes”. And then we get Monster in Law.
I never said yes unless I meant it, and Roseanne liked that. So when Debbie Reynolds joined the cast as Dan’s mom, Roseanne asked me to go with her to Carrie Fisher’s house, and work out some of her dialogue.
I was not prepared. It was jarring enough for me to be on that set every morning, in the Conner house. It was a very peculiar sensation to physically be in such an iconic place, and even weirder to just walk past John Goodman, drinking beer at 7:00 in the morning on the family couch. I wasn’t sure if I could handle shooting the shit with Carrie Fisher.
But I pulled it together. And as Roseanne drove us up Carrie’s driveway in her Mercedes, I put on my game face.
Carrie’s house was perched on top of a steep, ivy covered hill. It was an old Hollywood showpiece; a Spanish jewel box that used to belong to Edith Head. As soon as we set foot inside, Carrie asked if I had any Vicodin. I didn’t, but that was probably a good thing. The whole afternoon was so surreal that drugs would have been redundant.
I went inside and sat in the living room with Roseanne, Carrie and Debbie, and attempted to put some ideas together for an upcoming episode. Mainly I took notes, because I was just too overwhelmed to participate. We worked for a few hours, or rather, they gossiped about Tom Arnold and drank while I tried not to sweat through my clothes. Eventually it was decided that Roseanne and Debbie would have a fight scene in the episode; a big, hair-pulling brawl.
With that settled, it was time to go. As we all walked out to the car, Roseanne and Debbie began arguing about how the fight should be staged.
“No, no, no,” Debbie said. “You don’t push someone, you don’t do it like that. You do it like this.”
And she kicked Rosanne’s legs out from under her, causing her to fall to the ground.
I was shocked. Before I could react, Debbie leapt on top of her, and started pulling her hair. Roseanne was screaming, and the two of them started to fall, in slow motion, tumbling all the way down the ivy covered hill.
I stood there, watching two legends of television beat the living crap out of each other and wondering what to do. I looked over at Carrie, who was regarding the events with her arms folded.
“Does this happen a lot?” I asked.
“You have no idea,” she said.
Of course that does nothing to explain a portrait of Roseanne made out of rice, but I’m only one woman.
March 16, 2011 at 5:38 pm
Screw the art…That was a truly lovely piece.
…I used to work in production. I understand crazy really, really well.
But, yanno..you win. Great story.
March 16, 2011 at 5:39 pm
This is pRICEless.
March 16, 2011 at 6:17 pm
I’ll leaf that one be.
March 16, 2011 at 6:31 pm
So many bad puns here…
Still…your name has Jabberwocky references in it…making you alarmingly cool by default.
March 16, 2011 at 5:39 pm
Holy shit, Regretsy Lady. That was awesome. It only makes me love you harder.
March 16, 2011 at 5:40 pm
Well no..I can’t actually say screw the art…it’s earnest and well done.
I have no snark for either.
I love everyone!
March 16, 2011 at 7:32 pm
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March 17, 2011 at 7:29 am
Nice!
May 16, 2013 at 7:17 pm
good！
March 16, 2011 at 5:40 pm
aahhh now if only the “crafter” had that back story. This could have been a picture of one hell of an awesome fight scene!
March 16, 2011 at 6:33 pm
Agreed. If she was so inspired after watching Roseanne and Debbie duke it out that she rushed home and created this tribute, it’d already be in my cart.
March 16, 2011 at 5:41 pm
The thought of Roseanne rolling around on the ground with Debbie Reynolds makes me feel something deeply confusing.
March 16, 2011 at 9:30 pm
Yeah, like how did Debbie Reynolds NOT break a hip?
March 16, 2011 at 5:42 pm
Fucking brilliant story. That’s all I got.
March 16, 2011 at 5:42 pm
This is the first thing on Regretsy that made me not only comment but want to buy the actual piece. Baby Jesus bless you, Helen Killer. I want to be you when I kick my meth habit.
March 16, 2011 at 5:42 pm
This should be made of macadamia shells.
Get with the times, crafter!
March 16, 2011 at 5:42 pm
As someone who has seen every episode of Roseanne, owns the DVDs, still watches the reruns, and whose nickname was Darlene in jr. high and sr. high (and whose boyfriends nickname was David), I thank you. They art is definitely different, but I thank you for the story. Very very good!
March 16, 2011 at 5:47 pm
I got called Darlene a lot in high school too. Also got called Daria. The reruns have been on late night here and I’ve been watching them all over again.
March 16, 2011 at 8:36 pm
I just wanted to be Darlene–she was such a badass. Sara Gilbert is currently staying in the hotel I work at but I’m too afraid she’d be all Darlene-y if I tried to say hi.
March 16, 2011 at 9:03 pm
I loved her! My first example of a female being butch in a hot way. You don’t have to choose between being a Cosmo-reading giggley ditz or a trucker-looking sports-fan tomboy… you can be feminine without being frivolous! I am so glad there was at least ONE role model like her on TV when I was a kid.
March 16, 2011 at 5:43 pm
You know, before I read your story, I was thinking you needed…NEEDED….to have this hanging in your house next to, well, House. But, after reading your enlightening story, I KNOW now that you need this! And, it’s on SALE!!!! Win/win!
March 16, 2011 at 5:43 pm
I am sincerely impressed by this rice leaf art thingy. I’m even more impressed by your story. I think I just fell kind of in fanlove with you.
March 16, 2011 at 5:44 pm
I love your life. If I could be you I would. Since I can’t, I think I’ll just drink more.
March 16, 2011 at 5:45 pm
I love this story in over 3,500 tiny ways.
March 18, 2011 at 5:40 pm
LMMFAO! I see what you did there.
March 16, 2011 at 5:45 pm
This story is golden! Thanks for it. I’ve seen some crazy in my line of work, but generally the extreme crazy stays outside. What fun!
March 16, 2011 at 5:46 pm
Brilliant and bizarre, but I can totally picture it (the story that is, less so the picture, but not bad either).
March 16, 2011 at 5:46 pm
Please adopt me so I can curl up in your lap and have you tell me that story every night before bed.
March 16, 2011 at 5:46 pm
How does Roseanne hitchhike without any thumbs?
March 16, 2011 at 6:18 pm
I want to say she uses her penis, but I know it will piss EVERYONE off.
March 16, 2011 at 5:47 pm
Did Roseanne lose both her thumbs in that fight?
March 16, 2011 at 5:48 pm
Great story, odd subject for the rice art, but it’s really really well done.
March 16, 2011 at 5:49 pm
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March 16, 2011 at 5:50 pm
The password is posted on Facebook. It’s different every night. IT’S SO EXCITING
March 17, 2011 at 12:48 pm
yes but Facebook is not SO EXCITING. I want to play with you all here, but this new closed post thing sucks. Not everyone facebooks. I will just whine until I get pissed off with all the closed posts and then I will take my shit outta this sandbox. Reader since day one – it would suck to have to leave becasue of this. whine whine whine.
March 17, 2011 at 2:08 pm
But you don’t even have to use Facebook! You just go and look on our page and there’s the password. It’s not even hard to find.
Don’t flounce over one post a night that anyone can see. It’s just a game! I’m always looking for new things to do.
March 17, 2011 at 5:21 pm
thanks for letting me know, i didn’t know that this happened. can i typre the new password in and see the post?
March 16, 2011 at 5:50 pm
Best story ever.
As for the art, it’s genuinely well-done. I don’t want this particular subject matter… but it is really very good.
March 16, 2011 at 6:00 pm
Best story ever.
As for the art, it’s genuinely well-done. I don’t want this particular subject matter… but it is really very good.
EDIT: I looked at the shop and there are some really lovely things there. And damn, they’re like 12 bucks!
March 16, 2011 at 6:01 pm
What just happened? I’m confused.
March 16, 2011 at 6:19 pm
Did you really edit your post? Are you MAGICAL???
March 16, 2011 at 6:22 pm
Or is that an incubus in your pocket?
March 16, 2011 at 9:10 pm
It literally makes me feel ILL that so much hand-cramping eye-straining work (never mind talent) is being done for such meagre profit! I wish they HAD been able to sell that for $100. It’s a nice piece. Not only looks like Roseanne, but captures some of her charisma as well. GOD…TWENTYFIVE FREAKIN BUCKS…life is so not fair…
March 16, 2011 at 5:50 pm
Love, love, love this story. Behind the scenes shit fascinates me.
March 16, 2011 at 5:51 pm
Amazing story, I can definitely see Roseanne doing something like that lol. I only wish I could have seen it in person haha.
March 16, 2011 at 5:51 pm
I think this piece would make a nice addition to your personal collection, considering the story and all. Plus, if this only took three days to make out of rice stems and leaves and now they only want $25 for it, someone needs to buy it just outa respect, and maybe tack on a little tip on Paypal while you’re at it.
Okay, though, the funny part of the listing itself is that it’s in the store section called “art Native American” along with rice portraits of Jane Fonda and Connie Chung. Plus, there’s a portrait of some movie star that I can’t identify:
http://www.etsy.com/listing/59736247/leaf-art-portrait-movie-star
Anybody?
March 16, 2011 at 5:55 pm
The artist doesn’t seem to know, either.
March 16, 2011 at 6:01 pm
I believe that would be country music legend Tanya Tucker.
Or Sharon Stone impersonating Tanya Tucker.
March 16, 2011 at 6:05 pm
It’s Tanya Tucker. And I hate myself for knowing that. Good thing I left my vodka in the freezer.
March 16, 2011 at 9:15 pm
HEY! I thought we couldn’t change our names? Does this mean I need to go back to brainstorming something creative? UHH! The pressure!
And what makes you hairless? I know I can look forward to being a total yeti by my “postmenopawsal” years!
March 17, 2011 at 1:45 am
Me too. I can’t stand country music & I recognized her instantly. I first saw the Tanya Tucker portrait when I was looking at this thread on my iphone & clicked on the etsy link. The picture was too small to make out the letters on the hat & at first I thought they spelled “DICK”
March 16, 2011 at 6:10 pm
I thought maybe Tammy Wynette?
March 16, 2011 at 7:09 pm
I feel better about not knowing. I wouldn’t know Tanya Tucker if she walked up to me and licked me on the face. I don’t even know enough about her to know if that would be something she’s likely to do.
I mean, Roseanne would.
March 16, 2011 at 7:43 pm
*eyes up portrait* I could think of worse people that I could be licked in the face by.
Not that it happens FREQUENTLY that women in cowboy hats spontaneously decide to lick my face…but, yeah…it’s happened. Based on the artist’s rendering, I would have to say that Ms. Tucker would be a significant upgrade from the usual caliber of perpetrators.
March 16, 2011 at 9:16 pm
I agree about the tip. That is a crazy price tag.
March 16, 2011 at 5:52 pm
I have had to, on too many occasions, stay with and work directly with “celebrities”. So I think I may know some of how you felt HK. Some are cooler and more down to earth than others. Some are bat shit crazy and narcissistic sociopaths . I am guessing this person must have been her PA, and this is her form therapy.
I am on this like blight on rice.
March 16, 2011 at 8:28 pm
So tell us who is bat shit crazy?
March 16, 2011 at 5:52 pm
this kind of stuff used to happen all the time back when I was in art collectives, except everybody was drunk and nobody was famous…and there weren’t any big estates or brawls. Actually, nothing like this ever happened there, I just wanted to brag about how I used to be cool and joined art collectives.
March 17, 2011 at 2:40 pm
Yes, but did you join them BEFORE they were cool and overdone?
March 16, 2011 at 5:53 pm
I saw the picture and thought “regretsy math!–no wait, that actually *looks* recognizably like a celebrity; what’s going on here?”
And then I read the story, and it made me happy.
March 16, 2011 at 5:54 pm
I wish I could afford to waste three days of my life sorting rice leaves. Instead, I’m being two times as productive by bitching about it in under five minutes on Regretsy.
March 16, 2011 at 5:55 pm
Both your story and the rice paper pic are crazy good!
March 16, 2011 at 5:56 pm
You can keep the portrait – I just want the awesome psychedelic rice-bran caftan she’s wearing.
March 16, 2011 at 5:56 pm
Actually the pic looks pretty creative. The story was great.
March 16, 2011 at 5:56 pm
Moral of the the story; NEVER turn your back on Debbie Reynolds.
The rice straw art is kinda sad. Placing 3500 pieces of anything has to be worth more than $100.00 – $25.00 is an admission of defeat. Or a need to clear out the garage.
March 16, 2011 at 6:01 pm
Impressive art (even if there are no thumbs to be found).
But amazing story.
March 16, 2011 at 6:01 pm
1- This story just replaced “these are not my eggs.”
2- HK, I never knew that you wrote for Roseanne, but now that I know, I can’t stop smiling. It’s still one of my favorite shows of all time and is one of the few shows that makes me tear up (thus losing all Regretsy thug cred).
March 16, 2011 at 7:10 pm
I just read the “these are not my eggs” story last night. I’m not ready to give it up just yet.
March 16, 2011 at 6:02 pm
Cool! That seller has some damned nifty stuff. I’m TOTALLY BOOKMARKING THEIR STORE! Oh regretsy you demon shopper from hell, you’ve done it again.
But I’m still confused as to why the crafter devoted 3500 pieces to Roseanne, but as they say, to each their own idols.
March 16, 2011 at 6:06 pm
Okay, this is kind of amazing– I mean, RICE. So many tiny little grains…
Of course, that story is possibly the most surreal thing I’ve ever heard, so that makes this whole post even better.
March 16, 2011 at 6:08 pm
That is remarkably well done (except–where are the thumbs?). Cosby sweater and all.
And the story is fabulous as well. I love reading true life stories like that–not paparazzi bullshit, but real life happenings.
March 16, 2011 at 8:10 pm
I like to pretend that her thumbs are tucked away in the specially made thumb pockets of her sweater.
March 16, 2011 at 6:08 pm
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March 16, 2011 at 6:12 pm
It is now my life’s mission to reproduce that fight scene. In cat hair.
March 16, 2011 at 6:16 pm
A cat fight in cat hair! I love it! Make this happen!
March 16, 2011 at 6:12 pm
Seeing the item I thought it was some collaboration for regretsy, or charity or whatever, ’cause it’s really good.
Well, yes. Yes, the story was awesome.
March 16, 2011 at 6:15 pm
Oh the item sold! That’s great
(See? you managed to melt our hearts of stone! bastard…)
March 16, 2011 at 6:33 pm
Bummer!! i wanted to buy it! seriously.
March 16, 2011 at 6:57 pm
I’m sure he’ll be glad to work with commissions!
March 16, 2011 at 6:13 pm
Fantastic story! The part where Debbie Reynolds took Rosanne out made me laugh so hard I snorted.
BTW, did you work on the show at the same time as Joss Wheedon? Cuz that would make you even way more awesome in my eyes. Not that you aren’t already.
March 16, 2011 at 7:13 pm
Joss Whedon wrote for Roseanne? I had no idea.
March 17, 2011 at 10:53 am
If you worked with Joss, Helen, you may have just become so awesome that I might be forced to give you my first born child. Actually, you can have him anyway because he’s driving me up the wall right now.
If you don’t want him, I’m putting him in my Etsy shop, even though I can’t verify he’s handmade.
March 16, 2011 at 6:13 pm
To be honest, I would like to see your story illustrated in rice straw.
March 16, 2011 at 6:14 pm
Holy fuck… That whole story makes me want to have a panic attack.
March 16, 2011 at 6:17 pm
When the kids were small and I was a do-mess-tic goddess, my husband’s silly pet name for me was “Roseanne.” Now he calls me “Berta”…
I raised ~ reared ~ two good people by Roseanne’s Rules of Parenting, which you (HK) may have had a hand in writing, and which I can’t remember for the life of me. It doesn’t matter; the kids are grown and liquor doesn’t go bad with age. CHEERS.
March 16, 2011 at 6:21 pm
That story was absolutely fantastic. And the art’s not too bad, either.
March 16, 2011 at 6:22 pm
I was going to say that it’s a beautiful piece of art, and that talent should’ve been used on something more interesting than a portrait of Roseanne.
After the story, why should it be anything else? That was the most awesome story I’ve ever heard.
March 16, 2011 at 6:26 pm
You are by far the coolest person I know. (you responded to my post once, I think that means I know you)
March 16, 2011 at 6:27 pm
I am totally in love with her birds on a leaf pieces.
I just blew my heartless bitch cover. Opps
I am also entranced by your story, what a surreal experience.
March 16, 2011 at 7:19 pm
SO glad I’m not the only one. They’re so pretty!
March 16, 2011 at 8:05 pm
I had to correct myself, the artist is male.
March 16, 2011 at 6:31 pm
So was it a fake fight or a real fight …? These sitcoms always confused me.
My mom’s preternatural obsession with Roseanne was the reason I stopped watching TV. And the reason she calls me a culture snob to this day!
But I’m going to tell her this story and she’s going to laugh until she pisses herself, and the best part is she’s in another state so I won’t even have to help clean it up.
March 16, 2011 at 6:33 pm
I absolutely love you April!
March 16, 2011 at 6:37 pm
Hold on, your IMDB page says you dated Kevin Spacey. I take it all back.
March 16, 2011 at 6:53 pm
O.
M.
F.
G.
March 16, 2011 at 9:19 pm
I know! I am seriously jealous! I love Kevin Spacey.
March 16, 2011 at 9:21 pm
Here I thought she was our hidden gem, but she’s actually a freakin superstar!
March 16, 2011 at 6:38 pm
I love you. That is all.
March 16, 2011 at 6:38 pm
Facinating… in a WTF kind of way.
March 16, 2011 at 6:42 pm
That story kicks ass. Literally.
I have some famous people stories, but none I can repeat in public.
Did you buy the rice art? I hope so because it’s actually really good and every time a visitor sees it you have an excuse to tell the story, and there is NEVER an inappropriate time to tell a story like that.
March 16, 2011 at 6:42 pm
I absolutely love Leaf Art, and it’s sadly a talent of such beauty that’s dying out slowly but surely.
And I absolutely love you, Regretsy Lady. Every post makes my cock grow harde—ummm… I mean, it, uh… Makes my…heart…grow…fonder…for you. Yes! That’s what I meant!
Ohhh yeah…
Er.
I SAID NOTHING.
March 16, 2011 at 6:43 pm
I’ve done behind-the-scenes production work, and it really truly has put famous people in perspective for me. They’re so insane that they make you feel insane for being normal. Fricking awesome anecdote, thank you for sharing that, it made my night!
March 16, 2011 at 6:49 pm
“they make you feel insane for being normal”
Wow. Now *this* put my life in perspective.
March 16, 2011 at 6:44 pm
I have to say, i truly love this. I would have bought it if i got there first. Seriously, whoever bought it, i’ll give you $35 + shipping. or more. maybe.
I was about 9 when Roseanne first went on the air; it quickly became my mother’s favorite show. In the midst of the 80′s, my mom – a lower-middle-class single mom with no college education, trying to raise a kid and not go insane – really, really related to the Connor family. We sort of considered them the 80′s version of “All in the Family”. My mom and I liked that a prime-time show could focus on a poorer, struggling family that had a REAL life. One of the only sitcoms at the time that dealt with real issues, not just “who will Alyssa Milano take to the prom???” Anyway, watching Roseanne with my mom was the highlight of my week for years. It’s always meant a lot to me that the show meant a lot to her: that it made her laugh, and not feel like a total piece of shit for struggling as a parent w/ a crappy job.
March 16, 2011 at 6:52 pm
ps. sorry for the sappiness in the midst of snark.
pps. I totally credit my mother – one of the funniest people i know – for my sick, twisted, totally inappropriate sense of humor, which has allowed me to enjoy regretsy for the last year and a half. If my mom knew what etsy was, she’d love regretsy.
March 16, 2011 at 6:47 pm
Holy, shit there’s also a MacCauly Culkin!!!
March 16, 2011 at 6:47 pm
Since Alchemy is gone, can we have this artist do a picture of Debbie Reynolds and Roseanne in a catfight?
I have no requirements about an expression of pleasure mixed with pain for either of them.
March 16, 2011 at 6:52 pm
My only Roseanne expierience….
When I was in college, I had no money and always looked for free things to do. Somehow me and my boyfriend discovered free TV show tapings in Hollywood.
We would scrape together a few bucks for gas money and head over to the studios. Some days we would show up and have no idea what was taping. The studios would send us to a line or into a room to wait. We were not getting paid but some of the shows had catered food or gave the audience free stuff.
One day, we show up and they tell us we have been chosen for Roseanne’s audience. It was when she was doing that talk show after “Roseanne” had ended. They made us go to a line that ran along the side of a building and it was hot out. A tour bus from Atlanta had pulled in so they sent all the women to the line too. The ladies were SO excited to be seeing a TV show taping in Hollywood even though not a single one of them was a fan of Roseanne.
cont…..
March 16, 2011 at 6:56 pm
I love this story!I can just imagine Carrie Fisher standing there saying, “You have no idea.”
And, being who I am, I promptly found the cat pictures in the shop. At the rate we’re going, this house is going to be full of cat-themed stuff, to go with the cat hair (and the cats).
March 16, 2011 at 7:35 pm
So can I. Carrie Fisher is someone I would love to sit down with over a bottle (or three) of wine.
HK, somehow, I can imagine Carrie Fisher making the classic video game “…” face when her mother and Roseanne had their fight. And somehow, I can see your eyebrows in your hairline.
March 16, 2011 at 6:58 pm
We stood in the sun in this line for a long time. Finally, an intern comes out with bottles of water and tells us that it is Roseanne’s birthday and that we will all get bags with gifts. The ladies from Atlanta are VERY excited at this point. We wait and wait some more in the heat.
Then an intern comes out and says “Roseanne changed her mind at the last minute. This is now a closed set, she is only allowing her friends in for the taping.” The ladies from the bus were MAD! They were yelling at this poor intern, everyone was hot and cranky and wanted free stuff.
Some of the people from the line got sent to other lines for other shows. WE got sent to see a taping of Sinbad’s show…… I would have rather have watched Roseanne!
March 16, 2011 at 6:59 pm
i posted my story in two sections, not sure what happened to the first half….
March 17, 2011 at 7:42 am
On top of the heat and the blow that you weren’t going to see Roseanne, you had to suffer through Sinbad? While I do feel sorry for you, one of the worst and most memorable days in your life did make for a great story.
March 17, 2011 at 10:46 am
The Sinbad taping was terrible. We were white Goth kids and everyone else was black. They made us dance at the end. At least with Roseanne, her white trash kind of humor made me laugh and think of my own family
March 16, 2011 at 7:00 pm
If only this had happened yesterday. You could have taken a video with your phone and posted it.
March 16, 2011 at 7:08 pm
I actually wasn’t allowed to watch Roseanne as a kid, but it’s been funny in syndication on Nick-at-Nite through many overnights working on papers, so thanks for that.
Your story is fantastic, and I agree with whoever said that all that crafter’s effort should be worth a lot more. That thing is frigging amazing – I thought it was a pencil drawing at first.
March 16, 2011 at 7:09 pm
At least, something I have in common with HK!
Back when she was married to Tom Arnold (a native of the Iowa town I live in), they bought a local business that created and printed five small-town newspaper, I was hired by Tom’s brother Chris as their typist. They also opened a diner in the town where I was born and grew up.
I actually got to meet her twice, at the yearly Christmas parties. By that point, she was well into her Diva stage, and I was never quite sure what to make of her.
I wasn’t unusual, though, to see her, Tom and her kids wandering around the local mall. A bit surreal, since we’re not that large of a town.
I also got to see advance screenings of the movie “True Lies’ and the one Tom made with Hugh Grant for free.
That’s likely the closest I’ll ever come to knowing someone famous. And your story definitely trumps mine hands down.
March 16, 2011 at 7:12 pm
The only question that remains in my mind is what, exactly, you will commission this guy to make.
March 16, 2011 at 8:56 pm
I vote for something “Raised By Wolves” related.
March 16, 2011 at 7:19 pm
What a great story…
What I don’t understand is…3 days of work…3,500 components….for $25? Could this seriously be someone in it for the art?
March 16, 2011 at 7:24 pm
I was so ready to snark but then I read that story and my little heart grew three sizes.
Thank you HK. I finally know how it feels to love.
March 16, 2011 at 7:27 pm
Excellent story, excellent art.
March 16, 2011 at 7:30 pm
This is by far my favorite Regretsy post ever. The art (while weird) is amazing and that story is even more amazing. Thank you!
March 16, 2011 at 7:32 pm
I remember seeing that show for the first time and thinking, Darlene is one of the first characters on tv that was totally like me as a teenager.
March 16, 2011 at 7:38 pm
Best. Story. Ever.
March 16, 2011 at 7:38 pm
the travesty is that this poor artisan must sell her rice portrait at 75% off!
the journey from initial $100 to $25 must have been tragic. a real sign of the recession.
March 16, 2011 at 8:33 pm
1) She is a he.
2) That would be “rice-ession.”
March 16, 2011 at 7:52 pm
And this – this art right here – this is what comes from thinking that people who get paid stupid amounts of money to make faces are more interesting, more valuable, or more worthy of notice than the postman. The postman who will make less money in his entire life than these celebrities do in an hour, none of which is spent actually working.
March 16, 2011 at 7:59 pm
I’ve got two boxes of boil in the bag rice in the pantry, a box of Franzia, and nothing but time.
I take paypal.
March 16, 2011 at 8:14 pm
I love you so so much right now. This post was particularly well timed as I just read “Wishful Drinking”. That’s all..nothing clever to say.
March 16, 2011 at 8:15 pm
Wow! That would have been awesome to see! I love a good fight
March 16, 2011 at 8:22 pm
April, can we go camping together and you can tell me stories like this while we burn marshmallows around the campfire and collect bees in mason jars?
Or write Volume one of your memoirs.
Take your pick
March 16, 2011 at 9:11 pm
I want to go on this camping trip!
March 16, 2011 at 9:27 pm
Me too! Me too!
You should auction off dates with yourself for a charity fundraiser sometime. Unless you’re afraid of us… which you maybe should be…
March 16, 2011 at 8:33 pm
I LOVE silly things. I Love silly stories and that is why I love this site so much. The silliness is overwhelming.
March 16, 2011 at 8:42 pm
I totally had to get the Taj Mahal from this shop. I’m excited to see what it looks like in person.
March 16, 2011 at 8:52 pm
I always thought Roseanne’s comedy work was a downer but the weird celebrity drama and fight rolling down the hill are hilarious! Too bad there wasn’t TMZ back then or a reality TV show to catch it on video! Gotta love it.
March 16, 2011 at 8:56 pm
http://ny-image1.etsy.com/il_fullxfull.191642273.jpg
This one makes me uncomfortable.
March 16, 2011 at 8:59 pm
So, the feed via which I see these posts doesn’t show me the image, just the text. I have to click through to get the image. So I was just reading this whoa, wtf story, which is pretty amusing in its own right, and then BAM, Riceanne.
March 16, 2011 at 9:15 pm
Best work story EVER.
March 16, 2011 at 9:29 pm
i really love the occasionally awesome yet weird things here..
and somehow i always knew as a kid, the fights i sometimes saw on the show verbal or otherwise, were a little more real than just acting.
March 16, 2011 at 9:33 pm
That was so full of awesome that I had to read it out loud to the boyfriend, who normally could not give two shits, and yet he was mightily entertained. HK, you are the bomb diggetty.
And the portrait of Rosanne is remarkably well done, even if I do have to wonder what the market is for such a thing.
March 16, 2011 at 9:50 pm
Yes, you are only one woman. However you can always post more entertaining stories!
March 16, 2011 at 9:54 pm
When I think of Roseanne, I think of rice. Now I will think of her rolling down an ivy-covered hill with Debbie Reynolds.
Great story. I didn’t know that you wrote for Rosanne. Now I’m obsessed with figuring out which episodes you wrote.
March 17, 2011 at 4:25 am
Have a look at imdb.
March 16, 2011 at 10:00 pm
i love this so much.
March 16, 2011 at 10:13 pm
Also watched Roseanne growing up…was around the same age as Darlene. Some have said I resemble her, too. One of the best switch outs on a sitcom. Did anyone even notice when Becky changed into the gal from Scrubs? Anyhoo, I am anxiously awaiting your next book deal. Hopefully filled with more cool stories such as these. Thanks for sharing!
March 17, 2011 at 7:34 am
I noticed but didn’t care. Becky 1 was more annoying.
March 16, 2011 at 10:24 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
March 16, 2011 at 10:27 pm
I’d like to see a rice leaf mosaic of Roseanne and Debbie Reynold rolling around on the ground. But that’s just me.
March 17, 2011 at 4:26 am
It’s not just you, it’s there in a large number of comments already :pp
March 16, 2011 at 11:04 pm
I think I might just like a Roseanne a little better now. Before, she was just terrifying. While that hasn’t stopped, now she’s awesome as well.
March 16, 2011 at 11:06 pm
I’ve stopped lurking and finally registered an account just to say this story was fantastic!
Also… who would you say won the fight?
March 16, 2011 at 11:36 pm
I am clearly too young to comment on this thread, because all I remember of Roseanne was my Dad thinking that it was the funniest thing on the planet.
So instead, I leave you with an amusing fighting picture.
March 17, 2011 at 12:09 am
Awesome post is awesome. I love seeing items that show talent and skill but also have a heavy WTF factor. Hope the artist gets a ton of new sales, because he’s really amazing.
March 17, 2011 at 12:23 am
Love it love it love it!
March 17, 2011 at 1:20 am
I… I think I’m in love with you.
March 17, 2011 at 2:23 am
It’s honestly really good work. Interesting medium, and it shows some skill. But, what an unusual and unmarketable choice of subject…
March 17, 2011 at 5:26 am
That’s awesome, apparently she may have told that story as part of her stage show over here (Australia) and no one believed her
March 17, 2011 at 5:51 am
THIS
http://www.etsy.com/listing/61452790/beautiful-girl-and-her-fiddle
IS AWESOME
March 17, 2011 at 6:13 am
Please tell me that you still write fiction or creative non-fiction outside this place, because that was seriously some very good story-telling. I noticed it before with the beaver costume tale, and I’m noticing it again now. Obviously, you just told us that you wrote for Roseanne, but there’s a difference between being able to write screen and write print, and you can write print. I’m impressed. :I
March 17, 2011 at 6:34 am
So, um yeah. I just skimmed all the posts for this.
1. Everyone loves you, wants to be you, wants you to adopt/own them.
2. Everyone hates you because they are not you
3. Carrie fisher is bad ass. So is debbie renolds.
4. Kevin Spacey is awesome creepy geeky
Since i was going to say one of these four things, I will just leave you with this recap. My brain resides on the short bus. Im going to take my meds now…..
March 17, 2011 at 7:03 am
So, i just went to the Etsy store. This guy is a genius. I don’t have the ability, patience or imagination to create anything remotely like it. Dammit, wheres the hooch…
March 28, 2011 at 12:52 am
4. Kevin Spacey is awesome creepy geeky
Pshaw. I’d hit that.
March 17, 2011 at 7:06 am
bah – my password isn’t letting me get into the protected posts.
March 17, 2011 at 7:23 am
I learned about this recently. Apparently you need to go to facebook and there is a password there. I cannot confirm this for you because I refuse to be a member of facebook. Try it out.
March 17, 2011 at 8:34 am
You don’t have to sign into Facebook, just click on the link to the main Regretsy page there. The password is visible in one of the posts.
March 17, 2011 at 7:09 am
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March 17, 2011 at 9:30 am
Right. Like you have to invent stories about batshit broads in Hollywood.
March 17, 2011 at 10:04 am
Carrie is supposedly recovered/in recovery for drug addiction….With a mommy like Debbie, I can see how this all went down.
March 17, 2011 at 1:25 pm
. . . and we all know that people in recovery never can get drugs so they have to ask strangers who come to their house. How did I forget that?
March 17, 2011 at 4:47 pm
And that addicts don’t ever let a chance for additional supplies go past.
March 17, 2011 at 11:15 am
Yeah, you do that.
March 17, 2011 at 1:30 pm
You don’t *have* to, but you *can*.
I can see that failure to kiss snark ass isn’t welcome here.
March 17, 2011 at 7:11 am
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March 17, 2011 at 7:22 am
Neat. I love crazy stories. Even more when I can associate them with something I’m familiar with. Thank you!
March 17, 2011 at 8:29 am
all i keep looking at is the fact that the listing reads,”75% OF..” i guess 75% of sale and 75% off sale essentially mean the same thing. aren’t you glad i wasted a few seconds of (off?) your life for semantics?
*crawls sheepishly back to nerdcave*
March 17, 2011 at 9:51 am
Dear Hellen,
I have just purchased my first Regretsy related Item. It is also a first because it is the first piece of art i have ever purchased. As soon as i rob a bank im going to buy the rest of her stuff so if you guys wanted anything you better hurry up!
http://www.jessicaharrison.co.uk
March 17, 2011 at 9:52 am
No I can’t spell.
March 17, 2011 at 10:02 am
I loved your story.
March 17, 2011 at 10:12 am
I am in awe of what you have witness, and I thank you for providing the mental image.
March 17, 2011 at 11:01 am
Needs moar rice; much, much more rice.
March 17, 2011 at 11:52 am
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
March 17, 2011 at 12:49 pm
Carrie Fisher. Like a boss.
March 17, 2011 at 1:28 pm
You’ve had an unnaturally large influence on my life, HK. I’m finding out that just about everything from my childhood has been somehow influenced by you……and that makes me uncomfortable. Terribly, terribly uncomfortable.
March 17, 2011 at 1:52 pm
That reminds me of a needlepoint Bo Derek my grand mother in-law made and gave to me
March 17, 2011 at 4:48 pm
Please, please tell it was in the swimsuit and corn-rows. And that you still have it.
March 17, 2011 at 4:49 pm
You totally need to tell more stories like that.
March 17, 2011 at 4:54 pm
Okay, call me heartless, but I’m on vacation in Mexico and spent a portion of the day watching rescue efforts to save baby sea turtles, and I’m pretty sure that I just smiled a lot more at this story than at the turtles.
Also, I want have enough patience to glue bits of rice stem together into something pretty.
March 17, 2011 at 6:27 pm
I really enjoy your stories
March 17, 2011 at 8:05 pm
omg I almost never ever go Fangirl, but I can’t help it – did you write for the show when Glenn Quinn was on?
I had such a crush on him!!!!!!!!!!
March 18, 2011 at 2:22 pm
April, it does not surprise me that you are a professional comedy writer, because this is the funniest blog I’ve ever read. I should have known we weren’t doing amateur hour over here.
March 18, 2011 at 10:38 pm
This story is amazing.
Was Edith Head’s house completely monochromatic?
March 18, 2011 at 10:59 pm
It was very colorful, as I recall. There was a big mural of a hand on one wall, like a loteria card.
March 18, 2011 at 11:10 pm
Dig.
April 14, 2011 at 11:58 pm
God I love Debbie Reynolds. If I could mash her together with Lauren Bacall, I would totally dump my boyfriend for that
April 19, 2011 at 1:43 pm
Wow. This is the best thing I have EVER read on Regretsy.