I’d tell you who sent this to me, but I just pressed my pants.
I’d say you have to feature one of this seller’s items now, except that might give them an influx of business that they clearly don’t deserve.
I should not do this…I should not do this…I should not do this…but we seem to be reaching an agreement, and well, I haven’t been sleeping, and…
That photo should take you here:
Oh my god! I thought it was photoshop fuckery! Thank you for making my night!
Does the fact that the above person has nearly 8ooo sales make anyone else want to cry?
Yeah. I saw the “folk art” category and I could not look away.
I just love that her profile says
TAKE A LOOK YOU WILL NOT BE DIAPPOINTED WITH OF MY STUFF BACK MY REPLICATION ON THIS. HAVE A GREAT DAY.
wtf??? I never make bones about how there is better stuff out there,also I don’t have an etsy account,mostly because I can’t as of now keep up with work and increase my crochet/knit output, but HOW DO THESE PEOPLE THINK THAT FOLKS WANT TO BUY THIS SHITE?!? Also, how is it that none of these fukkers seem to be able to spell or use spell check…dumb asses…
Maybe she hired TheOldRedHen on etsy as her layer.
Oh lookie, a flounce!
I think this might just be a pre-flounce, actually. Flouncing before they’re featured, yet promising to come back every day…a pre-flounce-unflounce?
I don’t think flounces come in misspelled all-caps. This is more of a FLOWNZ.
Shit, do people even try anymore?
NO TEHY DO NO
THNX 2 TXT, DA IDEEUT # HAZ GUN WAI UP. NO WUN CN SPEEL NEMOR
Are you sure that’s not due to I CAN HAS CHEEZBURGER?
I hate that website… but I can’t seem to stop going there. The damn kittens, they’re too cute!
I think she really did, which is the saddest part of all…
You don’t need a middle school dihplawmah to send hater mail.
My elementary school aged cousin can do better then that and she’s not even a native English speaker!
I am french canadian and my english is not that bad!!!!
I’m from Idaho and I can do better than that! IDAHO!
Can anyone translate this please?
I left my Redneck Pocket Dictionary in my other suit.
Mag, I’m from Bama and this shit even confused me!
They need to have a spell check setting especially for righteous anger!
Oh how I wish I knew this person’s email address so I could figure out what their Etsy shop is!!
Agreed, I’m from redneck country myself (my neck is just a pinkish mauve at this point, cause i can haz learning) and this isn’t redneckese. It’s a combination of illiteracy and teenager text type.
“They need to have a spell check setting especially for righteous anger!”
THIS is a brilliant idea. Bill Gates needs to get on that right away – quit vaccinating African children, Bill! This is more important!
I think the translation is “Wah wah wah I’m a spoiled brat so I’m going to type in all caps so people take me seriously.” Unfortunately I left my Spoiled Illiterate Brat Dictionary at the Rock-A-Belly wedding I attended last week.
I think this is one of those riddles you have to read out loud to get… kinda like ‘imuh luv mahsheen.’
South Texas dialing in to say that, if that’s a dialect of Redneck, it’s sure not OUR dialect of Redneck, and we don’t know what the f*ck she’s talking about, either.
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
The country would be a lot better off if only us rednecks were capable of functional illiteracy like this. Language choice makes me think the writer is white but this level of, er, command of the English language could’ve just as easily come from the ghetto, the barrio, or the reservation. Sad any way you look at it.
This is so awful it looks fake. It’s sad.
I really, REALLY hope English is this person’s second language.
I think it is a fake. It’s a little beyond what I find believable.
If it is real, though, these are not really the kind of mistakes a non-English speaker makes. It looks more like someone who is borderline illiterate.
All the descriptions in her store look like this. Though she does have some beautiful peices.
Blargh! You’re just teasing us, now. You know how much we all want to raid her shop now, don’t you?
Well that takes away some of my faith in humanity.
You should make a game of letting us figure out the seller. Give hints and shit and whoever figures it out first gets a prize!
Aw, darn. With bad spelling and a bad attitude to go with, she’s just begging to be featured. But it’s no fun if her store is full of good stuff!
I am now slogging through etsy trying to find a seller with horrible descriptions and who uses the word “peice”. Maybe if I do a keyword search using some of the spellings in her email…(drums fingers together while menacingly raising one eyebrow).
I’m going to search Etsy for the misspelled words she uses. I’m worried, however, that it will bring up more hits than intended.
… and I was right. A search for “peice” (which by the way, was very difficult to type) came up with 583 hits.
Good luck with that search, Monkeytoes.
Lets try “peice” and “art”. Only 39 results. The game is afoot!
Ooo, in the search for the seller, I did stumble upon this awesomeness:
The description is pretty funny too.
This “peice” could explain a few things:
But alas, the spelling in this listing isn’t that bad. Just a misspelled tag.
We could have a winner: http://www.etsy.com/shop/LavenderRoseDesigns Since it’s not in all caps, it’s harder to appreciate, but there are numerous misspellings and juxtaposed letters.
Is it this person? Not as many misspellings as in the email, but when you factor in anger, maybe? Especially since English does not seem to be this sellers first (or second) language.
Here are some of the listings?
That MitchRobot4 seller with the decapitating dinosaurs is hilarious and awesome! Favorite quote of the day from his canned tarantula post:
‘these make great conversation pieces: “hey man this rhubarb and strawberry jam tastes like spiders”‘
Some good things come from CREASE AND DESIST lehturs when the lawyer cake they’re sent from has a candied spider on top!
My guess is this shop:
It looks like she spell checked her profile page, but the descriptions for her individual “peices” look a lot like the note. And not surprisingly, her “art” is hideous.
@searingflesh55, because there’s no more darn nesting in this thread:
The Velociraptor guy DOES have a great description!
“DO NOT ASK FOR CUSTOM PICTURES OF PUPPIES OR BABIES OR FLOWERS. or you will be sent a picture of a veliciraptor eviscerating a human baby. but if thats actually what you want ill do it. no really, name your dinosaur, send me the $30 and its all yours.
otherwise, like i said, if you’re looking for pictures of like landscapes or babies, other tooti-fruity stuff like that, type in “miniature pincher painting” in the search and one of those assholes can probably do it.”
I’m also considering sending the Velociraptor guy a special request for a Doberman Pinscher barbecuing a T-Rex on a spit, just based on his awesome description, plus I like his style.
I need to sell a couple more prints of my own before I can justify spending $30 on it though.
I think we’re all over thinking the search here… My guess is that these “peices” were featured over on the Facebook side of things, so that should narrow the search?
On another note, I can’t see the term “layers” without thinking about photoshop… does she do some kind of Level 6 digital art?
To FB to search for misspelled awesomeness!!
And I totally want to order something from MitchRobot4. I’m think I should just let his imagination run with it because he could probably come up with something way more fucked up and awesome than I ever could!
If for nothing else, this thread was worth reading solely for the discovery of mitchrobot4.
Has she actually been featured here, or has she figured out that getting on here will increase sales?
Is she trying to get you to throw in her dat dere briar patch?
@JoyM, I’m likely to 2nd your motion. That afghan is AWFUL.
OMG that seller with the dinosaur drawings and Cthulu fetuses and pickled tarantulas… if I was still on Etsy I would favorite that shop So. Hard.
Dude needs to be a feature on Regretsy!
*GASP* Curse this near-poverty! I want just about anything by mitchrobot4 (the “Velociraptor guy”). A skanky mermaid with ick. A flayed squid. Hell, if not for the whole…’paws…thing, I’d have his babies just so he could pickle them for me. <3 <3 <3
or borderline personality disorder.
yes, my ESL students almost never mix up your and you’re, or at least, not at this level.
!! Awareness Week!!
translate.google.com can actually transfer bad English to English.
Some people should really use it especially if they expect their communication to have any positive outcome.
Sum people neva crease to maze me.
I love Bad English. I’m going to put “When I See You Smile” on my iPod right now.
English is my second language, and even I can write better than that. Dear Lord, does this person not know about spell check? ⌐.⌐
I’d take this seriously, Helen. After all, she’s not afraid to use a layer.
She’s not afraid to use a layer…TO EGG YOUR HOUSE. Er, “aig ure hawez”.
you meant “egg you’re hose”
I usually double it up and use two layers.
But Helen is a CWOARD.
I think she meant “C WORD”.
haha I thought she was calling you a coward
And proud of it.
Is she going to bake a cake? I like cake!
Do you suppose she plans to use the incubus in a mason jar?
Can someone please make this English? I genuinely cannot make myself read it. I made it half a sentence in and my brain broke.
A worried person and customer told me that one of my art pieces were featured on your sight, Regretsy. I spent the entire night looking through your disgusting site, looking for my piece. I did not find the piece. Maybe you already took it down because you are a coward. I do not know what piece you posted, but do not ever, ever, put it back up again. I am not afraid to use a lawyer, and I will give you a cease and desist, and you will be out of business. I am quite serious about this, and I will be reading your site every day to see if you have violated this order, and I will have all of my friends and family read the site to check up on you also. Do not try it.
My translation doesn’t do it justice, though. You really should read it in the original language.
Wow, angel you’re good. You should get a job as a Stupid-to-English translator.
Are you another teacher? Or an editor perhaps?
Actually, “site” (website) instead of “sight” (eyesight). Goodness, the original letter really *does* sound almost fake – at least she’s consistent in her bad spelling?
Yeah, I noticed that I missed one instance of “sight”, but unfortunately I can’t edit. And should I have corrected “were” to “was”, or should I leave the mistake in? It’s a tough call. Overall, I feel that the corrections take away the spirit of the peiec. The sense of volated outrage doesn’t come through until you read about the dicusting sight, Regresty.
…one of my art pieces *was featured…
(“one was”, not “one were”)
I just learned by way of a customer about your site, Regretsy. I looked through your site and didn’t see a single one of my pieces. I challenge you to put one up, by calling you a coward and offering faint threats of lawyers. I will be reading your site every day to see if you finally featured one of my works on your site. I need all the publicity I can get. Hop to. Try it.
It definitely loses something in translation…
Close, but I think it’s more like this..
*slams head on keyboard and hopes for the best*
I went back and read this, using your translation as a handy guide, and found that I could miraculously understand what she was saying! I imagine I could’ve gotten the same result with a fifth of vodka and a bottle of Valium, but I’m fresh out of Valium.
Well, at least he or she is guaranteeing you many more daily hits! You should send them a thank you.
TNK YU VRY MOCH FER HALPING MI SIGHT.
I wonder if she thinks you need glasses?
Quiet serious, eh? Well, they do say still waters run derp.
“still waters run derp” is my new favorite phrase. kudos to you, good sir/madame!
I don’t know where that phrase originated, but I’m stealing it from you.
Um…you as in Irv. Once again, I went too derp. I mean deep.
You deserve a complimentary fascinator made from a cat skull and a real, stuffed bird as well as a shellacked fish head for that comment.
I must go Derper.
The csutomer is always wright.
Ruh Roh… this person wants to increase your readership! RUN! RUN FOR THE HILLS!
Please tell me this is a troll e-mail, because I just can’t convince my brain that anyone is honestly that terrible at… well, everything relating to language.
Also: a layer of what? An onion? Hair? Skin? Or is this a “layer” as in “Buffay the Vampire Layer”?
Onions, trolls, and Etsy artists have many layers.
What about parfaits? Parfaits got layers.
I was hoping for a layer cake, myself.
I was thinking this exact thing. This post has inspired my plan for baking a cake tonight. My taste buds will be thankful for this dicusting sight.
Thank goodness she’s not really quiet serious. Then the world would never know how volated she feels.
get rid of the cwoard
What the fuckery is this? Is this person six? No, that is an insult to six year olds. This is like reading the deluded ravings of the insane.
That would be an insult to the insane population.
Hey I’m a bit crazy and I spell correctly!
Even if you couldn’t, there are measures to keep you from embarrassing yourself like that. My computer has this amazing feature called ‘spell check.’ It really is the bees’ knees!
Are those knees available in a jar?
Or does it illustrate yet again the dangers of voice-recognition software?
It’s got to be a joke. Just by random chance she should have spelled SOME words correctly.
Please tell us … with that attention to detail her crafts must be exquisite!
I totally read that as ” a decunting sight” lol. I wonder if this person’s spell check is turned off.
No, the twat decanting was yesterday in plaster.
Twat did you say? I cunt hear you.
Most email programs have a spell check.
Maybe there should also be a breathalyzer attached so you have to score below legal limit before you hit send? It might save people some embarrasment.
No! That would save some entertainment, and we can’t have that.
As usual, Google already offers this! Check out “Google Goggles” – after a certain time of day, gmail makes you perform basic arithmetic in a short amount of time before it will send your email. It’s a free optional add-on to their email service.
I have used it for years. Unfortunately, however, it didn’t stop me from getting raging drunk after finding my boyfriend cheating on me, and sending him a furious late-night email with the aid of my calculator. I should have just sent a layer over instead, to tell him to crease and desist that fuckery.
Aw, I was disappointed to find out that this feature is actually called “Math Goggles.” “Google Goggles” is a mobile app that lets you identify places, translate text on items, and something else I didn’t bother to read by using your camera on your droid.
Still, both features are teh awes0me.
..And don’t forget, Math Debating makes you go blind…
Or a crease desist, anyway.
I can’t do basic arithmetic on a normal day with out the aid of a calculator. I’d never be able to send email. lol
That would certainly curb drunk emailing!
Which I have NEVER done of course, I am far to busy straightening my halo from throwing them back to write a drunken booty email. Geesh!
Don’t drink and Flounce!
brilliant! I would love to see if she murders crafts the way she murdered the English language in her e-mail.
Really drunk, really angry non English speaker, or illiterate underage redneck. You decide.
Wait! I think I found a sentence using proper grammar and spelling…oh nevermind.
Oh no! He/She is going to have his/her entire family read your site every day. More readers is a TERRIBLE THING. XD
Frankly, I’m kind of impressed that she spelled “through” correctly. Most third grade ESL students I know can’t do that.
YOU BETTER WATCH OUT IM GOING TO BE GIVING YOUR SITE EVEN MORE TRAFFIC ON A DAILY BASIS AS A PUNISHMENT TO YOU I KNOW YOU HATE IT WHEN MORE PEOPLE LOOK AT YOUR WEBSITE
Not enough errors.
You better be careful…the rest of her illiterate family is going to be checking on you also.
The first sentence has a number of words that are correct, including whole phrases. Then it just kind of falls off the derp end. Possibly someone was drinking while typing very, very slowly?
Well, that sure is nice of her to send so much traffic to the site, er…sight. I hope you sent her a lovely thank you letter!
Business. All that shite and she spelled business correctly. I think that made me laugh the hardest – as often as that’s misspelled, I pictured her using the dictionary to get that 1 word right. You know, so she didn’t look sutpide.
At least you will get more traffic since they will be regularly visiting your site! They will be hooked before long and tell all their friends about it.
A mind is a turrible thing to waist.
To those calling for a translation:
A WORRIED PERSON AND CUSTOMER TOLD ME THAT ONE OF MY ART PIECES WERE FEATURED ON YOUR SITE, REGRETSY….. I SPENT THE ENTIRE NIGHT LOOKING THROUGH YOUR DISGUSTING SITE LOOKING FOR MY PIECE….. I DID NOT FIND THE PIECE….. MAYBE YOU ALREADY TOOK IT DOWN BECAUSE YOU ARE A COWARD…. I DO NOT KNOW WHAT PIECE YOU POSTED BUT DO NOT EVER, EVER PUT IT BACK UP AGAIN….I AM NOT AFRAID TO USE A LAWYER AND I WILL GIVE YOU A CEASE AND DESIST AND YOU WILL BE OUT OF BUSINESS…. I AM QUITE SERIOUS ABOUT THIS AND I WILL BE READING YOUR SITE EVERY DAY TO SEE IF YOU HAVE VIOLATED THIS ORDER AND I WILL HAVE ALL OF MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY READ THE SITE TO CHECK UP ON YOU ALSO….DO NOT TRY IT
And now I’m going to go take a shower and cry and try to forget how easily I could read this.
I remember reading an article recently that showed that humans have an innate ability to take jumbled or partial words and fix them while reading. I wish I could find the link, because this person’s letter is a classic example. However, it sure doesn’t make proofreading any easier…
I remember reading that too. I couldn’t find the article on it, but I did find the paragraph with the letters jumbled up.
It’s because we don’t read each letter. We read each word as a whole. If all the correct letters are there, then we see what the word should be. I’m a proofreader by trade (and hobby!) and this is the biggest stumbling block I know.
HULK QUIET SERIOUS!
This totally wins my comment of the day.
I second this nomination. Total. Win.
Agreed! I was holding it all in until I saw this picture. Now my tummy hurts from the uncontrollable laughter. You’ll be haering from mi layer.
You pegged it! This is who wrote the letter. Helen Killer, give this person a t-shirt!
I peed a little…. from the awesome!
Nice one Smockhocker. Hulk does QUIET SERIOUS like no other.
What the hell, I just felt this warm liquid drip on my shoulder after reading this, I looked down and it was my brain!
LOL they’re going to be watching your site…
CAN THEY EVEN READ???
DOES IT EVEN MATTER?
Maybe they didn’t find their work because they’re clearly illiterate..
If she hasn’t been featured yet, guess what…
I s’pose we know where to go for the next featured item!
So am I supposed to layer before I crease or crease before I layer? This sounds important.
Lawyergami: the ancient art of folding language into indecipherable forms to entrap people in contracts that screw them over.
I *must* find a way to work “lawyergami” into a sentence now. Thank you!
MY FRENDS ADN FMILY ADN EVREEBODIE ELSIE IN TEH DAYROOM EXEPT FOR HER NEXT DOOR SHES A SPITTER ADN DICUSTING.
BEST COMMENT OF THE DAY!
Exactly! Or… Eggsactly?
Oh no, quiet serious hulk has compi…compati… Hey what are these red, squiggly lines doing under my words?
Exactly what I was thinking when I saw layer.
I have to say picking a layer as your attorney is a poor choice. All the ones I know hide under a shed and roll around in dirt all day.
Well that’s a step up from the way I’ve seen some lawyers behave.
On the plus side, icanhazcheezburger’s irreverent use of the English language now looks like highly intellectual literature in comparison. So there’s that.
That explains this letter!! It’s somebody’s cat!!
I CAN HAZ DIZTEMPER BOOZTER NAOW?
Our cat types better than this seller.
All I can imagine is the little wavy red lines under every word, and thinking that maybe teh crazy has spell check turned off.
She probably thinks it’s broken. DMAN THINK UNDRELAINS EVEREY WORD I TPYE…
BWHAHAHAHAHA! FTW Angel Drawers!
Cmd-U, Cmd-U, Cmd-U, Cmd-U!!! Y DOES TAHT ONLI CHAGNE TEH DAMN REDD AWNDERLIENES TWO BLAKC??!!!
Not afraid to use a layer. I think this works to your advantage as you may get some cake out of this.
The cake is a lie!
And was her Layer admitted to the Bra?
So, with translation I obviously thought the best place to go would be Babelfish. I went through various languages trying to find out what it says. The best I got was German to English. Enjoy:
A WORRIED PERSON AND OF CSUTOMER TOLD ME THAT ONE OF MY KIND PIECES WERE FEATURED ON YOU’ RH SIGHT, REGRETSY …… TO I DONATE TEH ENTIRE NOGHT LOOKING THROUGH YOU’ RH DISCUSTING SIGHT LOOKING FOR MY PEICE…. TO I DID EMERGENCY FIND THE PEICE…. MAYBE YOU ALREADY TOOK IT DOWN BECAUSE YOU OF ACRES A CWOARD…. I D EMERGENCY KNWO WHAT PEIEC YOU POSTD BUT DO EMERGENCY EVER, EVER PUT IT BAKE UP AGAIN…. I AT EMERGENCY THE AFRAID TON OF USE A LAYER AND I WANTS GIVE YOU A CREASE…. I AT THE QUIET SERIOUS ABOUT THIS AND I WANTS FUEL ELEMENT READING YOU’ RH SIGHT EVERY DAY TON LAKE IF YOU HAVE VIOLATED THIS ORDER AND I WANTS HAVE UNIVERSE OF MY FRENDS AND FMILY READ TEH SITE TON OF CHECKS UP ON YOU THUS…. DO EMERGENCY TRY IT
It’s an EMERGENCY!!
Another good one: Portuguese to English (just the highlights on this one):
MAYBE YOU ALREADY TOOK IT DOWN BECAUSE YOU PLOUGHS THE CWOARD ….. I AM NOT AFRAID YOU USES LAYER AND I WILL GIVE YOU THE CREASE…. I WILL BE READING YOU’ REVERSE SPEED SIGHT EVERY DAY YOU SEE IF YOU HAVE VIOLATED THIS ORDER
No no no no!!! I’m Portuguese…please don’t be offencive!
But, this could have been written by my 6 year old son, who is just learning.
Don’t you just love hate mail??? And kudos to the HULK post.
It isn’t meant to be offensive at all. It’s using random languages to see which “translation” turned out the funniest. German and Portuguese were the funniest. NBD.
I was jokin’…Just saying we speak better english than that…
this is clearly a case of ragebonics… where someone has lost complete control of their brain to finger connection. That said, this is flippin hilarious!
I hate it when they use layers.
As a regular reader of stfu tumblers and the comments on news websites I am quite certain this person is real. It makes me feel kinda dirty to share my happy place, I mean Regretsy, with her and her frnds though.
At least she’s consistent. I’ve got to give her that.
We can only hope that the next crease and desist letter will use the LAYER firm of Kopian and Paystin instead of Hunten and Pekkin. Then maybe we’ll be able to read it.
I think Charlie Sheen wrote this.
WINNING AT E-THREATS!
“Maybe you already took it down because you are a coward”? Because you’re so cowardly that you usually put pieces up just for a few minutes and then whisk them down in a squealing fit of frightened remorse? Or does she think you chickened out with hers specifically because you intuited her intention to lay you with her layer?
Looks like someone needs to get layd…
“squealing fit of frightened remorse”
I’m picturing this, and it is making my day.
i hate to admit this, as it doesn’t say much about my life, but not knowing who this nut is…it’s kind of killing me.
It’s killing me too!!!
ME TOO. I want to see their work. I promise I won’t contact them!
MUST KNOW! Every crazy misspelled description makes me wonder… could this be THE WON?
This is totally a gag, right?
i say it’s a troll… no one can misspell that much!
Come on people, type your angry email first then drink.
Obviously they sell on Etsy because they need to raise money to purchase a new keyboard…it’s quite obvious that the keyboard is just missing some letters and has a CAP LOCK issue!
I love, love, love how she’s threatening to send people to read you ‘sight’. I mean, geez, she’s, like, punishing you with popularity, you know? That’s, like, so harsh.
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaa. What a dumbass.
People never crease to amaze me
This just made me pissed off. How could you possibly ever expect someone to take you even the tiniest bit serious with a letter like this?
Please tell us who it is :p I’m dying to go see the product descriptions :p
I find it really hard to believe that she has friends or family that can read…
Especially if they taught her to spell.
I want to know what her shop is!
Me too! And some cake. I may be just a simple hyper-chicken, but I know genius when I see it.
I don’t know what her shop is, but at least, we can be sure everything she sells is 100% handmade. See here, for instance. Not a trace of those damn automatic spellcheckers.
You think it’s hard to read but do you have any idea how hard it is to write crap like this? It’s almost artistic! It’s like sneezing with your eyes wide open. I didn’t think it could be done before now.
Maybe it’s actually Banksy, OR BAKNSEE!!! Doesn’t he have an Etsy site sight where you can buy paisley elephants, bent telephone booths, concocted gallery shows, and misspelled item descriptions?
See what happens when you break the jar and dead bees do the typing?
Nah, that’s a bait, someone just really wanted their creative writing to be on regretsy…
You’re Disgusting “Sight”?”
Goodness, guess the writer doesn’t approve of unhygienic eyeballs either.
Let’s not forget the “you’re”. She/he seemed very intent on using that apostrophe.
Excuse I, but apostrophes are the hite of sophistamacation.
I’m not an expert in redneck ebonics, but I think this is a pretty close translation. I did take some liberty with the punctuation though.
A worried person and customer told me that one of my art pieces was featured on your site, Regretsy. I spent the entire night looking through your disgusting site looking for my piece. I did not find the piece. Maybe you already took it down because you are a coward? I do not know what piece you posted but do not ever, ever, put it back up again. I am not afraid to use a lawyer and I will give you a cease and desist (?order) and you will be out of business! I am quite serious about this and I will be reading your site every day to see if you have violated this order and I will have all of my friends and family read the site to check up on you as well. Do not try it!
Let’s hope she’s a lawyer as well because then her crease and desist letter won’t have a leg to stand on.
Wow! This is so full of fail that it actually wraps back around the curvature of the universe to land squarely back into WIN.
I can’t decide if I want this to be a complete parody that we have all fallen for, or if I want it to be 100% GEN-YOU-INE!
Good layers are so hard to find.
“I AM NOT AFRAID TO USE A LAYER”
Are they some sort of chicken artist?
Don’t make me use this chicken on you!
At first I honestly could not figure out what this person was talking about when they said “layer.” I thought some sort of invisibility layer, or maybe a layer of a force field.
I will say something positive though, and that is that at least they were consistent with the awful spellings.
“I’d tell you who sent this to me, but I just pressed my pants.”
Hmmmm… This is a clue to the seller’s identity.
Searching Etsy for sellers…
PressedPants : No luck
IronPants: Hit, but no shop
Going to have to start thinking deep… Okay. 14 words, 46 letters..
1446: 31 sellers with 1446 in their name. Who knew there’d be so many. No one with “Pants” in their name. I’ll come back to this one.
FortySix: Six hits, no shops
Fourteen: 61 people with “fourteen” in their name. Too vague.
FourteenFortySix: No hits. Didn’t expect one. I doubt this seller can spell all the numerals between zero and ten, or count to 20 unless she is nekkid.
How about the obvious:
IJustPressedMyPants: No hits
IJustPissedMyPants: No hits
Pressed: 100 people
Pants: 2,196 people. I’m getting worse at this.
Dumbfuck: No hits.
Feel free to try your own attempts. I’m sure it’s a clue.
I think “pressed my pants” was a reference to “crease and desist”, rather than an actual clue.
I like your thinking…but I think the pressed pants reference is related to the Crease and desist order…….OK, I’m going to search for awhile…….
You would think, but no… Helen’s devious wit goes beyond the first obvious layer. She works schemes within schemes into her humor. This is a clue. I know it is.
A scheme within a scheme…
Are you saying she’s NOT AFRAID TO USE A LAYER?
I missed one thing that might be a clue:
“I’d tell you who sent this to me, but I just pressed my pants.”
It’s all one syllable words. It’s a message in understandable one syllable words, so simple that the email sender can read it; yet it’s also a clue to the seller’s identity, while hiding under the theme of putting a crease in one’s pants.
Diabolickle Whimsickle Fuckery, I tell ya!
Where’s that Scotch. I put it here somewhere…
I believe this is one of those “brain teasers” where they prove how the human mind can read any sentence as long as the first and last letters of each word are correct.
“Smotehnig liek tihs”, but with more hilarious rage and impotent flailing. I AM NTO ARFIAD TO CNOTCAT MY LAYER!
Holy shitballs. I just started reading regretsy, waited until I read the WHOLE archive and then signed up.
Boom here I am. And reading that gave me such a headache I might have to go back over to etsy and find some vintage steampunk tylenol in a hand crafted bottle.
I TIHNK HTIS IS A RTOLL
not afraid to use a lawyer but spell check… yeah afraid to use that
OK, I think I translated it and my brain hurts
A concerned customer advised me tha one of my inspired creations was recently featured on your website.
After spending a considerable amount of time perusing your wonderful site, I was unable to locate the listing. It is possible it has already been removed due to possible repercussions.
Though I do know know which of my creations was listed, I sincerely request that you refrain from listing another.
I have secured legal counsel, and legal action will be taken which may result in the inability of you to conduct your business.
The serious nature of this notification is evident and in addition to myself, a number of trusted individuals will also be reviewing the content of your website to ensure that my request has been complied with.
Thank you for your kind attention to this matter.
You could make a lot of money doing that on Etsy.
This email surely wins some kind of prize for the most misspellings in one missive.
Usually, when writing in all caps, the spell check feature assumes the word is some sort of proper noun, abbreviation, or acronym and will ignore the typographical errors. The caps lock key was her downfall.
That was her downfall? I’m pretty sure she is beyond the help that spell check can provide.
It was absolutely her downfall. With all of the features and apps on computers and available through the internet, it’s pretty hard to look stupid, grammatically speaking. But she did. Damned caps lock key. If it wasn’t for that key, she might not have been featured, or her identity might not have been kept secret, which would have resulted in more sales for her. Her downfall.
Weight… someone is actually threatening TO read this sight and tell all they’re friendz to read this sight? I think I need to start a thread on Etsy about this!
You got a flounce from a LOLcat? Cool.
I think this person may want to check under “Annoying Descriptions”.
Wow! I don’t really know what to say. If this is her quiet serious, I’d hate to see what her loud serious looks like!
Look out bitches! She’s not afraid to use a layer!
Are layers cheaper than lawyers?
They use a tiered payment system.
They’re just deeper, that’s all.
You mean derper
Thank you for saying that. I admit, I had no idea wtf she was talking about. I thought, “Surely this is some internet ninja jargon that I just don’t know. Afterall, she is quiet serious!”
Was the person really listed on here? Because I will search every post until i find them, which shouldn’t be hard if all their listings are typed
It may take you all noght.
I cut and pasted that into MS Word and ran the spell check. It asked me “Are you sure you wanna do this?”
Wow. I had no idea that even Word has standards!
I really want to laugh at this person but she so clearly has some sort of mental deficiency that I feel badly about doing it…
I didn’t think it was possible to use the Internet with so many stuck/broken keys on the keyboard.
Please cross post this one to passive aggressive notes…
I knew we shouldn’t have let grandma out of the home.
While they are not afraid to use a “layer” they are clearly afraid to use a dictionary.
Clearly Hooked on Phonics did NOT work for her.
I believe you mean Hookt un fontics.
How did she get “worried”, “serious” and “featured” right but not “piece” or “night”? You madame, are an inspiration to English students everywhere… To keep studying.
I think she wanted to mix it up with some “fancy” words so she’d be taken more seriously.
I AM afraid to use a layer, due to my raging cloacaphobia. Otherwise I’d sue you’re discusting sight and become as rich as Croesus (and Desistus).
OK EVERYONE: HOW MANY TIMES ARE WE GOING TO TRANSLATE THIS RANT? IS ANYONE READING,OR IS EVERYONE JUST TALKING, I MEAN TYPING. I CALL A CREASE AND DESIST ODOR!
I thought that as well, until I reached MAG’s (#76) translation. S/he takes the cake!
Thank you…BTW…I’m a He! *checking*…yes, He. And for the sake of the other readers, I will also translate Humalong’s statement.
Dear Loyal Regretsy Followers,
It is becoming evident that there is a great deal of redundancy in the translation of the previous posting.
In the future, it would behoove everyone if they would read all postings prior to making their submissions to this fine website.
Would everyone please refrain from making this type of comment on this post?
i can almost guarantee that we don’t want to know who this seller is! what if her fuckery is actually good? we’ll all feel robbed and dirty.
I call fake!
I only hope it is because otherwise I’ll have wasted a very good bottle and too many tears.
Oh, coward! At first I thought she was calling you a “c-word”.
That’s exactly what I thought lol
Okay, listen. What do we know?
1) She has been on here before
2) She said it was her “Art” that was posted.
3) Apparently all her posts are spelled like this
4) She has actually decent work.
I’m thinking, something “steampunk”?
Except that we don’t know she’s been on here before. Even she can’t find it. This appears to just be a pre-emptive crease and desist.
this looks quite similar……
Aside from the kid’ ball pit spilled on the grey Martian landscape, that isn’t really that bad…
Also, Peice, and Quarts, (Quartz) but I agree, it’s just not f’d up enough.
Layers and creases are so 2008.
Others have mentioned LOL Cats, but I really wasn’t aware that cats did crafts. Oh wait … mine crap! That’s a craft.
In teh immoral wrds of teh interwebs: Ur doin it rong.
Culod it be tihs?
Oh good lord, I hope it is, because otherwise it means there’s more than one of them!
AHHH! Taken from that seller’s profile:
“TAKE A LOOK YOU WILL NOT BE DIAPPOINTED WITH OF MY STUFF BACK MY REPLICATION ON THIS.”
What does this mean?!?!?
I ran it through Google Translate on the Idiot to English setting and got: “Take a look! You will not be disappointed with my stuff. I’d back my reputation on this.”
I think you hit the bajingo.
I think it is!!
It’s the happy bunny/pikachu earring person!
I was looking around earlier to see who it might be and thought that could be it. I came across this ring: http://www.etsy.com/listing/22012483/pretty-ruby-chip-ring-size
It’s very clearly not rubies….whether real or fake, those have to be amethyst. Since I was past that page earlier, they’ve amended the description to say “HI PRETTY RING LOOKS LIKE REAL RUBY CHIPS WITH DIAMONDS I WORE SEVERAL TIMES BUT NO LONGER FITS ME ANY MORE SIZE 8.25 VERY NEET RING MARKED 925.(tested with gem tester real rubys )”
Does Etsy have a reporting system for misrepresenting a product?
i may be wrong, but i worked at kay jewelers for years and never heard of a gem tester, just a diamond tester– the carbon in the diamonds is what makes the detector go off.
Actually, with a crappy camera under either fluorescent or really yellow incandescent light, pinkish rubies would look purple. Not that I am defending the seller or even the listing, but I can believe from the sort of texture of those stones that they *could* be really crappy rubies.
As for testers–you can definitely get a kit to test the metal, but I haven’t heard of a home kit for testing stones. If this woman knows how to test on the Mohs hardness scale I’ll eat my socks.
Tested with a Coke/50′s themed diner chain in Orange County, CA?
(Damn, but I miss the blue cheese burgers at Ruby’s…..)
Technically they’d be purple sapphires, since only “ruby red” corundum can be legally called ruby, but they could very well be real… just cheap. You won’t find top quality gems set in sterling. (Odd that someone who “makes jewelry” doesn’t know what .925 means.)
But how could she not find the peice, its write they’re on Page too of this discusting sight!
Woops, you beat me to the question by seconds!
She’s obviously not the brightest crayon in the box.
It makes a lot of sense, but how could she miss it if she looked through the site all night and couldn’t find it? It’s pretty freakin recent.
I think if she was really checking on the site like she said, she would have responded to this thread in some way.
Dear god. Grandbigdog has left me speechless. I am sorely tempted to heart her shop just to remind myself why I spend what I do on supplies, charge what I do, take the time I do, and beat myself up over my photography.
Feedback: 4882, 100% pos.
That’s what worries me.
Though it could be that includes seller feedback too. She could just be buying a lot of stuff.
She’s made 7640 sales.
Damn, that’s a huge family.
Has to be her, with a profile like that! Someone quickly take her keyboard away. And beat the crap out of her with it!
Yeah… this is who I thought it was. Some of her stuff is cute, but dayum. She’s bat-shit crazy.
Awfull stuff that looks like it came from claires or a recently dead womans box of shit jewelry
Well, hell yeah! More trafik for yur discusting sight now that all of their frends and fmly will be cheking up on you! Screw creasing!
God, this message volated my eyeballs…
i think i found her
TAKE A LOOK YOU WILL NOT BE DIAPPOINTED
You may be right. I really love the pin that is obviously a penguin, but is labeled “pelican” and “pelcan”.
And despite all that… she has over 7000 sales.
well, most sellers are charging 14 bucks for assemblage, she’s charging less than even the Asian wholesale resellers er I mean vintage er I mean
Look at her “left for others”
It is her, commenting on….her (this is sad)
I think we’ve got a winner.
The best part is, the sender spells peice, peiec…piece (dammit) three different ways in one letter.
Because I have this kind of time, here’s my best guess — ETSY store “PaulaReaves”:
Did I win?
OOOh, this one is good two! I mean, to!
Good guess, but I don’t think it’s bad enough.
Erodecent: something that’s erotic, but decent.
It’s a stiff competition between Paula and Dawn. Check out this lovely cross chocker by Paula: http://www.etsy.com/listing/69992525/pink-and-brown-crystal-cross-chocker-set?ref=v1_other_1
Versus the MOTORCYLE EARRINGS by Dawn:
Not to mention the very “FUN” and “BOO” Halloween “squished punkin” pendant necklace:
My vote’s with Dawn.
PS I think I found another layer here. Or a layid. Or a layard.
Does she mean lanyard or lariat? Does it matter?
I think she means layered. (IE, lawyered.)
Erodecent instead of iridescent? Chockers rather than chokers? If you can’t spell what you make, don’t sell it!
The email is so fucked up, it has to be a work of art, in and of itself. Thus by posting the email, you’ve violated the sender’s wishes.
BUTT EYE THYNX DA SELELRE IZ TWO MUHC UV AH SHITWIT TWO KNWO WEE ARR MEKKIN FUNN WIT HUR SPLLENG ARRORS
The comments are the funniest. I’m pressing my pants too!
Oh man. I think I may have found her, but after seeing her profile pic, state of residence and her “about me” section… I kind of pity her.
As the owner of an undergraduate degree in English, I can confidently state that much of this email resembles Middle English. In my head, it reads with a Chaucerian accent.
I prefer to think of it as ‘typing in tongues’.
for some reason i think the sender of this email is “snood lady” http://www.regretsy.com/?s=snood
…all caps, same huffy flouncy tone.. thoughts?
Snood chick was too articulate. She knew words like “suggestion” and “evidently” and even knew the difference between “then” and “than” so nah, I don’t think this is her.
Yeah, definitely not the snood lady unless she had someone else write it for her.
I vote for this being the person who sent you the crease and deceased latter.
I vote Pikachu earrings vendor, but afagan tosels had this
“tosels” made me laugh so hard I nearly fell over.
Reget say mate Nel so mad tay. Nel hire layer tay. Him big ta-ta’s.
Nel wit little ta-ta’s like tee in the win. Like tee in the win.
I wish I could like this twice. I’m thinking of starting a line of bumper stickers that don’t mean a damn thing, so that hipsters will have something to put on their fixed gear bikes. I think, “like tee in the win” would be perfect. I’ll even give you a cut of the profits. You’re looking at a potential 20 to 25 cents.
Nel layer say like tee in the win calls more than tennyfi sens.
Hmmm… My guess is its the crazy hat lady and/or the letter was typed by the same chicken that does the Peck of the Day. It would certainly explain the threat of layers.
Oh dear God I think it’s my BF ex-wife…there certainly can’t be two people in the world this ignorant.
her layer and frends will be reeding you’re discusting sight, you cwoard! crease and desist! this is quiet a sereous sitchewashun.
Here’s what really gets me; her name is RIGHT THERE in the “to” and STILL she manages to misspell it! That, and apparently in all her frantic searching of Regretsy, she missed this entry: Big Legal Sounding. Come on people, get over it!
The ominous “DO NOT TRY IT” at the end is just icing on the cake. Beware or she’ll send you another smorgasbord of capital letters.
Icing? Is that for the layer cake she’s baking?
And here’s Evidence A…
I rset my csae…I shoold bee a layer…
This is it…
This MUST be it.
Many many sales..but little listed over $3 in cost.
All caps, same spelling.
I almost feel kinda sad for her.
…..I would like to stress that the word is not a typo..It was used twice in the listing.
For some reason..that word alone makes me feel nothing but compassion for the poor woman.
That is unless she starts pushing the Jesus on me, as I sense they are buddies. I fucking hate Jesus.
That’s just putrid…I mean, puttdrid…
b/c I found *some* all-caps stuff and horrible grammar and also items which were posted on regretsy:
Quite possibly- the key is who had their stuff on Regretsy. GrandBigDog? Has this shop had items on Regretsy?
Now I am convinced that #103 (and others) is correct.
I like how there’s 5 year olds on Etsy now. It would explain why some listings look like they were made during recess.
Makes me shudder to think of what our education system has become.
I’m curious . . . was anything of hers actually posted here? Or is this “WORRIED PERSON AND CSUTOMER” mistaken and/or a figment of this woman’s imagination? Not only doesn’t she “KNWO” what of hers was posted, she doesn’t “KNWO” if it was posted at all. Is her nearly unintelligible rage not only disproportionate but also entirely misplaced?
Also, I love that I can’t tell if she is more irritated because her “ART” piece was featured on Regretsy, or that she couldn’t find it here after all despite an entire “NOGHT” looking for it.
Just a little reminder – This charming person most likely has a driver’s license and could be on the road with YOU.
Careful out there.
Courtney Love has an Etsy shop?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
I think someone needs to do some kinetic typography on this a la
(Sorry – link didn’t work)
I clicked the link.
And then I had to replay it twice more because, let’s face it, that was pricelessly funny.
I think someone caught em up thread..
With descriptors like “high class”…to tag elastic loops with “dew dropped” polyester flowers glued to them..
(nicely cutting off Baby’s cranial circulation..but what price beauty?)
..We have someone making a whole series of questionable choices,daily.
So, if seller doesn’t know what peice you featured, how will she know if you put it up again?
Oh please please please tell us who it is!! I so want to submerge her etsy page in “discusting” comments.
My guess is this seller has reached an “all time low” yes this is a hint and her descriptions now include copyright mentions (lots of Regretsians comments) but the spelling hasn’t been corrected. I also cannot find the post anymore either
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. My brother is a layer and would never take a case like this. Ha, ha, ha.
I’d reply, but I’m pretty sure I just pressed my pants as well.
I love the smackdown this person (and all their friends and family) will receive after sending everyone they know to see “you’re dicusting site” and your crease and desist posted here.
Consider yourself creased and desisted.
Is this person for real?
I really think she needs a “peice” to set her
straight or at least to keep her occupied.
I wonder how high a retainer she’d be willing to pony up?
The Law Firm of Koppian and Paystin, LLP
Someone suggested earlier that this seller maybe the person. I don’t know, but I do know that this arrowhead necklace looks more like a buttplug to me.
Fairly certain the seller is “toofashion2010″ (Kathleen Hepburn pendant). She routinely uses “no” instead of “not” in her descriptions.
Maybe it’s the Y U NO guy?
I loved that scene in The Social Network: “Layer up, asshole!”
Thanks for giving the heads up on her meaning ‘lawyer’. I had it as laser and was very worried for Ms Killer.
Bad spellers of the world…..untie!
Steotch needs this on a sampler.
Let’s just hope she doesn’t take it to level layer 6 and make it an INCREASE and DECEASED letter!
I’d do anything to visit this store.
When I first saw “Layer” I thought of Photoshop, and I was all like, Huh? She’s going to hurt HK with Photoshop? And then I was all like…oooooh lawyer! Oooooh. Aww.
That would only be a Level 1 Photoshop.
I think we have it all wrong. I think this is a fan letter. Maybe a love note. HK, prepare to be stawked slatked…saklted. Fuck.
You’d think the crease desist was needed for the artist from yesterday…..
I’m not afraid to use a layer either. I just put on a sweater.
The amount of Pure Derp in this message is simply mind-boggling!
Someone suggested this seller as the possible author (and I use this term loosely) of the letter:
I think they just wanted this seller to give them a discount on this…
Quess she dont on no hangres neethar, jes lais hur stuf on da flor.
Derp derp derity derp derp. Derpity derp derp. Derp derpa derp derp. Derpa derp derp derpity derp derpa! DERP DERPITY DERPA DERP DERP! DERPA DERPA DERPITYY DERP!!!!! DERP DERP DERPA DERP DERP!! DERP DERP DERP DERPATY DERP DERPA DERP! DERPATY DERPITY DERPA DERP! FLOUNNNNNNCE!!!!!!!!
is s/he let is snow’s cousin?
I think it’s has to be GrandBigDog… She even updated her “Pokeman” earrings and somehow managed to correctly spell “Happy Bunny”.
I still can’t believe it took her all night to find her item, which is on page 2.
I actually messaged happy bunny ‘pokemAn’ girl yesterday, and told her to correct it. LOL
I try to keep my cat from posting on the the internet. I even changed the password on his gmail account, but I’ll be damned if Calwdio didn’t figure it out again. No Friskies for you. Bad kitty.
THIS IS GETIGN REDIULUS, WYH WONT U PPEPOPLE STOP MACGEING FUN OF TEH RAEL ARISTS IN ETSY. U SIT NO UR ASSES N DON MACGE NUTHON. U R SICK N HOERUBLE N DIZCUSTIN!!!
Definitely grandbigdog. She has the peka chew earrings from a few days ago! And it also seems she’s fixing some of her glaring abuse of the English language… “Pelican” is now spelled correctly..
Also, TIGAR NECK!.
Pardon me if any of this has been posted. I just worked 12 hours and for the rest of tonight, not a single damn will be given.
The peaka chew earrings are now “happy bunny” earrings.
Agreed, it’s definitely granbigdog.
Hi dere. I iz a reel layer and membre of the bra and this here Derp reads just like the letters we get from dudes in prison who want us to sue the Jury for finding them guilty.
u ken haz spelchek nao?
Proof that there are no lifeguards in the gene pool!
This looks like it was pecked out by the Etsy peck of the day chicken. I think we’ve pissed her off.
BROWN PAINTED ENEMAL SQUARES
Of course they are brown.
Depending on what one has been consuming, I suppose!
I’m going to take a guess and say this was written by Tara Gilesbie. (For those of you who don’t know, she wrote this wonderful fanfic: http://myimmortalrehost.webs.com/chapters122.htm)
Clicked the link.
Started to read.
Had to give up.
I should have warned you that the link might ruin you if you had any faith in the english language or Harry Potter.
Sounds like a 12-15 year old sparkledog fanatic from Deviantart. Tell me this isn’t coming from an adult.
Oh, just post the link to their site! Come on!
oh my god.
Somebody please put this slurry of words on a mug and sell it in the zazzle store.
A note on grandbigdog –
If you go to her ‘earrings’ page (perhaps searching desperately for the peka chew earrings you really want to buy) you will note that she refers to these … crafts … as “SOME MORE TREASURES I MADE OR FOUND IN JUNK SHOPS”.
If your description of your handiwork has the word junk in it, perhaps you should reflect on the choices you have made in your life.
Also, Helen, if it is her, you should really tell us. Or if it’s not, tell us anyway.
I like that he/she says, “I WILL BE READING YOU’RE SIGHT EVERY DAY TO SEE IF YOU HAVE VOLATED THIS ORDER AND I WILL HAVE ALL OF MY FRENDS AND FMILY READ TEH SITE [sic] TO CHECK UP ON YOU ALSO…” Way to drive more page views to your new arch nemesis, kiddo.
I think the funniest part is that in her protest of your SIGHT, she’s actually bringing you more web page hits by having other people come here.
But you’d better listen to her, or she will kick you out of the business that is THE INTERNET.
New to Regretsy. Love it so far. But what’s a DERP?
Basically, utter fail.
What’s the etymology of derp? I too am an humble newcomer.
I usually just think of this jester (though he’s saying “durp”):
Oh my god, it IS grandbigdog. It has to be! And how has she sold so many stupidly crafted items? Do you you think she buys them herself to make her seem like she has a lot of sales and reviews?
pretty MOP hoop earings.
you mean MOD?
MOP = mother of pearl
Was she drunk? I’m spanish, and think that my english is better…
Wait. You can sell thousands of pairs of Avon earrings purchased at garage sales on Etsy? Thousands? Buggering tits. I knew I should have never gone to college.
Dear Strong Bad,
How do you type with boxing gloves on???
Is it from the maker of the pajamas with Rougdolf the Raindeer on them?
Grandbigdogs profile has so many errors. And what the heck is that a picture of in her profile. Is it a feathered sockpuppet???
Doesn’t email have spell check? Well if she writes like that obviously she doesnt know how to use it.
That was the best letter I have read in a while.I think a tear just came to my face.
Maybe she thinks the red squiggles are the computer’s way of encouraging her rage!
Wow… I have just joined and am reading my way through, crying happily as I go… but this cease and desist is my fav so far.
It really should be for sale as a poster, or offered as a prize. I’d put this on my wall next to Bless This House.
I already bought the chocolate post card and am feeling that most anything I have around the house or can “create” should be added to my Etsy shop. Bless you .. or curse you… I’m not sure which.
Oh my goodness…. How did this person pass her high school exit exams, let alone figure out how to make something and sell it online?
THIS IS QUIET SRS BDNESS – LAYERS WILL GET GOT
Look though, you just made a DAILY reader out of her AND her friends and family! (now, if only they were literate enough to understand it.)
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