Peck of the Day
This past Saturday, the good folks at Etsy threw some organic fair trade corn on a keyboard, and let their pet chicken peck out their featured seller! Here’s what the old girl came up with.
Don’t think of this as three worthless pieces of crap.
I mean it is, but don’t think of it that way.
Think of it as an instant collection of vintage/natural found objects. Doesn’t that sound muted and creamy and architectural? Sure it does! I’m getting all yummy and repurposed just thinking about it!
I don’t know when a feather and a spoon became currency, but welcome to Happyland. It’s like when a kid tries to pay the ice cream man with leaves. It’s cute when you’re three, but when you’re an adult, it’s a cry for help.
But someone will buy this. Someone will look at this and think, “Shit, I really want that feather.” And you know why? Two words.
Barn wood.
It’s true. Barn wood is the hipster aphrodisiac. It’s sustainable porn. They can’t resist it. It stimulates the pleasure center like a linseed-oiled finger. All over Brooklyn, skinny men with wispy mustaches are jerking off to lumber catalogues.
You want to sell that chicken bone from lunch? Just shoot it on a piece of old barn wood, and some goofball will buy it. It doesn’t matter how worthless it is. If it’s on barn wood, someone will want it so they can put it next to their empty birdcage.
I TAKE PAYPAL
March 1, 2011 at 9:39 am
Finally, a way to
profit off my useless junksell the valuable items in my house! Thank you etsy chicken for showing me the way!March 4, 2011 at 1:21 pm
The only thing that compares to barn wood is a vintage dictionary page.
March 1, 2011 at 9:40 am
I’m pretty sure that proper etiquette dictates that the spoon goes to the left of the feather. How gauche!
March 1, 2011 at 9:42 am
I have that spoon. Can’t be vintage.
Oh wait. I got it in 1983 when I was married. 1983 is vintage now isn’t it?
March 1, 2011 at 9:45 am
I hope not; I’m too young to be vintage!
March 1, 2011 at 10:05 am
1983 is classic, but not yet vintage. At least I hope it’s not!
March 1, 2011 at 10:07 am
According to Etsy’s official definition, it IS vintage. Seriously.
March 1, 2011 at 12:38 pm
Holy crap! They actually DO have an official definition for Vintage. It’s, “Items of 20 years or older.” Grunge is vintage. My old Doc Martins are vintage. My microwave is vintage. Some of my jeans are vintage. (Also, much of my underwear.) My brother’s high school yearbook is vintage, but mine’s just old. My philosophy on organized religion is vintage. My haircut is vintage.
More importantly, though, while looking for their official definition on Vintage, I came across their staff photos. Apparently, we’re all supposed to be buying Harry Potter glasses, now.
March 1, 2011 at 5:46 pm
Yes, according to Etsy, kids who can’t even drink yet are vintage.
March 1, 2011 at 1:18 pm
So, according to Etsy, last week is vintage? Cuz I’m kinda thinking that this : http://www.etsy.com/transaction/42642392
kiiiiinda resembles this:
https://www.asseenontv.com/prod-pages/chefbasket_ood_ontv.html
March 1, 2011 at 12:08 pm
I believe that makes it retro, not Vintage…
March 1, 2011 at 9:43 am
I’m offering instructions on how to recreate that “barn wood” look. These come straight from the disabled guy himself (who knows how to handle wood. Yes, I said it).
We also take Paypal.
March 1, 2011 at 12:41 pm
He said uh huh huh huh
March 1, 2011 at 9:43 am
Can you imagine if they tried to sell barn wood by taking a picture of it ON barn wood? The very fabric of the hipster space/time continuum would implode on itself like a dying star and we’d all be whisked away to an alternate reality where moustaches grow on fingers and everyone rides to their jobs as sad little rich kid at 6 figure photography school on their fixed gear bikes.
Quel horreur.
March 1, 2011 at 9:46 am
Give me ten minutes… I shit you not.
March 1, 2011 at 9:43 am
I’ll buy that Borders card for $15.
March 1, 2011 at 10:08 am
Even if it’s used?
March 1, 2011 at 11:08 am
Wait! You mean, it’s like USED????
Totally VINTAGE!
I’ll take four.
March 1, 2011 at 5:47 pm
What would you pay if it was distressed?
March 1, 2011 at 9:45 am
If more barn wood shows up in the picture, does it sell better? Because I know where to find a wooden barn…
March 1, 2011 at 9:45 am
I feel the pain of those Etsy sellers who actually *work* to turn out their goods.
Fucking hipsterdom be DAMNED.
March 1, 2011 at 9:45 am
And Bono figured out how to make back all the money he poured into a failed production: hipsters.
Spiderman with a mustache, what?
March 1, 2011 at 9:45 am
I will give you the last $.37 in my account for just a splinter of that wood. Please!? I need to feel alive again.
March 1, 2011 at 9:47 am
That’s so understated, like a steampunk Robert Frost poem.
March 1, 2011 at 9:49 am
…paying the ice cream man with leaves… that’s classic…
Damn the barn wood!!!
March 1, 2011 at 9:50 am
Just the thought of all those AOL disks Ive thrown out- not only do I have a huge carbon footprint now, but I could have had wood! Oops- still do…
March 1, 2011 at 9:51 am
I’ve misplaced my ironicle
March 1, 2011 at 1:45 pm
What’s funny is I was just thinking “the fuck this looks like shit Scuttle would try to sell to Ariel.”
March 1, 2011 at 9:52 am
This seller dropped the ball. If they had included a vintage steampunk post modern ocotpus they could have upped the price to $150.
(At least now I know why my stuff In put on Etsy didn’t sell. I forgot the barn wood, dammit.)
March 1, 2011 at 9:53 am
If she were selling those items mounted to a piece of barn wood, with or without some glitter, I’d be all over that “instant vintage collection”. Without the barn wood people would think I had wasted my money on some worthless crap.
March 1, 2011 at 9:55 am
Too bad that’s not an owl feather.
March 1, 2011 at 9:59 am
OK, replying to myself to ask the group: Wasn’t there a children’s poem with a clock and a spoon and some sort of bird (like an owl)?
Or was that the story about the Dish and the Pussycat?
March 1, 2011 at 11:08 am
This one has an owl, and a spoon, but you have to read to the end to get to the spoon.
http://www.nonsenselit.org/Lear/ns/pussy.html
oh, and lot’s of pussy. Just like any good story should.
March 1, 2011 at 9:56 am
The shop is called “The Old Red Hen”…OF COURSE the Etsy chicken would pick this. This peck was fixed!
March 1, 2011 at 9:56 am
And if the “crafter” were selling that as a photograph, it might actually be worth 15 bucks, if it was in a 14.99 frame.
March 1, 2011 at 10:15 am
I could see a collection of these pictures framed individually and hanging on a wall in a trendy hipster boutique hotel – the kind where they have fifty types of martinis and don’t know what a Gibson is.
They’d be all over the parallel between the spoon and the feather, like you’re supposed to stir your iced tea with the feather and use the spoon to fly away. Hey, would that be steampunk?
March 1, 2011 at 9:58 am
Forget the barn wood. Does the reflectoporn come with it, or do I have to add that into the collection myself?
March 1, 2011 at 3:25 pm
I was just wondering if the photographer was wearing a shirt.
March 1, 2011 at 9:58 am
And in other news, guess how many pages come up in a search for instant collection? Fifty-nine. You could instantly collect a different item every week for forty years and still not run out.
I guess people with ADHD need hobbies just like the rest of us.
March 1, 2011 at 9:58 am
A pigeon got killed in my garden today. Think blood stained feathers would sell against the barn wood?!
March 1, 2011 at 10:01 am
Isn’r that the lyrics to a song by Sting?
March 1, 2011 at 10:10 am
Oh, honey, you could make a MINT off of bloodied pigeon feathers!
March 1, 2011 at 10:00 am
I guess I need to convo the seller: does the collection arrive at my door in this precise arrangement, or am I expected to arrange these objects again in my own artistic ability? If so, I want a discount.
March 1, 2011 at 10:03 am
BEHOLD!!
This is up for sale. A piece of slightly-new wood, but lovingly displayed on barn wood. I even created a lovely border around it in Photoshop.
Start the bidding. The disabled guy doesn’t want to part with this slightly-new, partially-aged piece of wood. But it is too late now because I have displayed it on BARN WOOD!!
March 1, 2011 at 10:10 am
Oh My Various Gods!
I now have to change my underpants, because they are filled with the outpourings of my orgasm.
Plus that knot looks like a vagina.
March 1, 2011 at 10:12 am
Holy Bajingo! You’re right! I would pay $15 for that. You take monopoly money, right?
March 1, 2011 at 10:11 am
FUCK. Now I have to wax my finger and WD-40 my old fixie. Happy now?
March 1, 2011 at 11:15 am
It’s the artistic border that opened up the strings on my paypal account. No lying!
March 1, 2011 at 12:51 pm
What? No story about the dark faeries who bequeathed the magical rectangle tree upon you for helping them escape the robot hordes of lower Manhattan? It’s like you aren’t even trying.
March 1, 2011 at 1:25 pm
Actually, there’s artistic merit to this photograph. You see the perfectly parallel lines of the barn wood against the slant of the slightly-new wood creates a paradox for your eyes to be drawn directly to it.
The knots in the barn wood are asymmetrical and offset the knot that is in the slightly-new wood, therefore creating not only another focal point, but a conversation starter should you choose to display this print in say, your ballroom or parlor, for, you know, when you entertain guests.
So, one could say that, in doing this photograph in such an artistic way- and not at all by dropping the piece of wood on the deck and nudging it with my foot- I have created a work of art that I should list in my etsy shop for a limited-edition print.
I shall call it: Regretsy Made Me Do It… yes. That shall be the title. Then we should auction the piece of wood for charity.
I should photograph my Cedar Jesus on the barn wood and list it on etsy.
March 1, 2011 at 10:04 am
I’m photographing 3 breathmints, a diet coke, and some used Burt’s Bees lip balm on some barn wood patterned craft paper. Those hipsters won’t know what hit them.
March 1, 2011 at 10:16 am
Throw in some Vintaj brand brass charms, glingers, and some lensless wayfarers and you got yourself a revolution!
March 1, 2011 at 10:34 am
oooh. If I can dig up a vinyl album it will be a complete set of Hipster Shit!
March 1, 2011 at 10:12 am
This shit doesn’t even cure hiccups!
March 1, 2011 at 10:26 am
Actually, it does.
Step 1- Stand on one foot with left hand over head. Place clockface on feather and insert in anus. Hang the spoon (lovingly wrapped in unicorn hair) from your nose. Make sure you’re facing Northwest. Chant Hiccup, hiccup, hiccup for 20 minutes without stopping.
Step 2- Step one always works. If it doesn’t, pay $50 and I’ll send you step 2
March 1, 2011 at 10:20 am
If I had some AOL disks, I would attach some ear wires and sell them on Etsy. Better yet, make one of those “statement” necklaces out of them.
March 1, 2011 at 10:26 am
Jesus. I think I’d have more respect for the seller if she’d just sell that as a photograph.
March 1, 2011 at 10:27 am
Funny that the logo of this seller is a hen:
March 1, 2011 at 10:30 am
And THIS is what beats me out for featured seller? I’m feelin great right now.
March 1, 2011 at 10:46 am
Me, too! Here I’ve been using vintage and unique pieces of driftwood! Let’s check eBay and bid on some barn wood. ‘K?
March 1, 2011 at 10:53 am
If you look at the rest of this sellers items, you’ll feel even more like slashing your wrists with an octopus than before… it’s all very nicely photographed crap picked up from thrift stores for under $10 and then priced the hell up.
People will buy anything
March 1, 2011 at 11:01 am
slashing your wrists with an octopus
AAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
March 1, 2011 at 11:09 am
A comment of the day if I’ve ever seen one! Slashing your wrists with an octopus. Amazing!
March 1, 2011 at 10:55 am
Vintage Barnwood Buttplugs
In your choice of splintery or sanded.
Linseed oil not included.
March 1, 2011 at 10:59 am
Is that the photographer’s belt buckle reflected in the spoon, or…
March 1, 2011 at 11:14 am
I’m moving this year. I guess I can unload my clutter on etsy and call it “vintage”.
March 1, 2011 at 11:22 am
Three words: Best Post Ever!
March 1, 2011 at 11:22 am
this is the ONLY blog that makes me LOL everytime i read i love regretsty
March 1, 2011 at 11:59 am
Boo hiss ! Where’s the nude photographer ??
March 1, 2011 at 12:22 pm
I NEED THIS.
http://www.bargainoutfitters.com/net/cb/46×66-or-23×36-fo-flor.aspx?a=227246
March 1, 2011 at 2:11 pm
The best part of that ad is how it shows the panel of crappy looking barnwood ‘fo floor’ laying on top of a fairly nice looking wood floor. I would totally trade in my nice oak flooring for that craptacular barnboard.
Well, that and that they call it “Fo Floor”. That’s priceless.
March 1, 2011 at 12:29 pm
The best (or worst) thing about this is that the seller is in Florida, where thrift stores abound with dead people’s vintage stuff for practically free. In my decades of experience with Florida thrift stores, it’s generally priced by volunteering old ladies who think $2 is a bit much and therefore you get excellent deals all the time. And she’s turning around and selling this shit on Etsy for $20+. Look at her sold items; seller’s laughing her ass all the way to the bank.
That’s it; I need some barn wood and a camera.
March 1, 2011 at 12:41 pm
I’m right with you on the cheap Florida thrift stores…and I have a digital camera. Want to get some barn wood and we’ll take it to the next step?
March 1, 2011 at 12:56 pm
For Sale: Vintage Chrome Plated Stainless Iced Tea Spoon $30
Purchased at the Winston-Salem, NC, Goodwill Shop in 1989, this spoon has been a part of my personal collection (by that I mean silverware drawer) through the lean years, when I barely had iced tea to stir (and believe me, living in NC, there was a vast sea of iced tea to be stirred, so it was like, y’know, “Water, water everywhere, but not a drop to drink!”) The spoon has traveled with me over the years to Rochester, NY, then finally to New Mexico, where I now reside, and where it has been infused with the psychic energy of the mysterious Anasazi tribe.
Will be shipped Priority Mail, using all recycled packing materials (so someone send me some shit so I can mail this bitch to you).
Only one available!
I can ask for more money because I’ve got provenance!
March 1, 2011 at 12:57 pm
In the absence of barn wood (if you live in the middle of the desert where there aren’t any barns), lava rocks, old book pages or sheet music may be substituted.
March 1, 2011 at 2:41 pm
Is it lying on a harmonic convergence?
March 1, 2011 at 1:10 pm
Upcycled restaurant menu, re purposed lint brush, eco friendly rubber bands. Instant collection for the tree hugging hipster who has a dog that sheds.
March 1, 2011 at 7:54 pm
Love this!!
March 1, 2011 at 1:37 pm
This stuff isn’t even for hipsters. It’s for people who love that beige-on-beige Pottery Barn aesthetic but can’t stand the thought of accidentally buying the same $95 plain white bowl as the Joneses who live on the other side of the gated community.
March 1, 2011 at 3:59 pm
think she is channeling Rachel Ashwell, wo much for being original.
white gray beige black silver
white gray beige black silver
white gray beige black silver
March 1, 2011 at 5:03 pm
THAT’s why I can’t sell a damn thing…I’m using the wrong kind of wood!
March 1, 2011 at 5:57 pm
Oh.. Helen!!!!!!!!!! Thankyou!!!!
That Featured Seller made me depressed all weekend!! She joins in August 2010 and is the featured seller already just because she photographs junk on a piece of wood
Thankyou!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
March 1, 2011 at 6:01 pm
and her “restrained” BS she goes on with shits me to tears.
March 1, 2011 at 7:05 pm
What bugs me more is when people line up a bunch of cute little objects in a grid pattern or something and photograph them. The STUFF is not for sale, just the “giclee limited edition print” of the stuff, it’s that special.
And what if I really want those lace doily covered rocks? Nary an actual embroidered stone in the shop. Hmmmph!
March 1, 2011 at 7:43 pm
We can comment on the spoon/feather thing right on Etsy’s site! Sweet!
http://www.etsy.com/storque/spotlight/featured-seller-theoldredhen-12356/
March 2, 2011 at 1:35 am
Do you mean they sell the spoon / feather / clockface combo without the wood background ?
March 2, 2011 at 2:20 pm
Barnwood, and other free textures to enhance your whimsical photoshopping.
http://www.cgtextures.com/
And still cackling about the theater ticket.
March 3, 2011 at 4:59 pm
bloody NEPOTISM….
The chicken didn’t peck out an item at ranom. The seller is THE OLD RED HEN.
March 7, 2011 at 8:47 am
Wow! I haven’t laughed that hard in a while, thank you!! : )
March 12, 2011 at 8:58 am
Red Hen’s on the FP again. Sweet.
Do you ever feel like someone’s, I don’t know, mocking you?
March 31, 2011 at 4:43 am
More proof that you can sell anything on Etsy if you put it on a wooden background:
http://www.etsy.com/listing/66789976/doggistik-a-fun-green-economical-toy-for
This person is selling $7 tree branches as dog toys. Evidently you can even now sell WOOD if you simply put it on a weathered wooden board background.