I saw these on The Real Housewives of Thessaloniki.

Just what it sounds like. A $250 cake that looks like snatch and tastes like ass.

I know, I know.

You want this 3D portrait of Nadine, but it’s not for sale. And it hurts. It hurts a lot.

So what are you supposed to do? How are you supposed to quench that longing? How do you fill that goatse in your soul?

Well, I’ll tell you how.

Send Sharie’s Craft World a photo of yourself. Say, this one for example.

Then, you wait.

You wait in a state of heightened, desperate longing, hoping you will look as good as Nadine does. Hoping this will be that thing that makes you whole.

And then, one day, the email. The sweet, sweet email.

It’s all done ready to be shipped with your okay. Here are the pictures I took for you. Thank you, I hope you like it as much as I enjoyed making it!

Oh dear.

Well that’s a lot better. Starting to really see the resemblance. Not to me of course, but let’s not split hairs.

I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that this is the best 3D clay portrait of Tyne Daly that I’ve ever seen.

And it gets even better when the eyelashes and varnish are liberally painted on my face, which coincidentally, is how I apply my own make-up.

And there you have it. A treasure that will be handed down for generations, as your descendants try desperately to figure out who it is.

I unreservedly recommend Sharie’s Craft World for anyone who wants a clay portrait of themselves as Paula Poundstone.

In case I haven’t been clear, I would like to state for the record that this is one of the greatest things I have ever purchased, and I cannot wait to get it into my home. This woman was incredibly geniune and a pleasure to work with.

DISCLAIMER: This post is not about crafting or Etsy or spreading fear and hostility in the crafting world. This is just something that happened on Friday, and it seemed like a good story for Groundhog Day.

Last Friday, I was invited to Miss Kitty’s Parlour in Hollywood.

Miss Kitty’s Parlour is a monthly event at a nightclub called The Dragonfly, which bills itself as “sex positive”. I tend to think of it more as Tiny Top Hat positive, or Trying Too Hard positive, but maybe it’s just not my thing.

I’m not someone who spends Friday nights in a latex catsuit, giving simulated blow jobs to clowns. That’s more of a Sunday thing. No, on Friday nights I like to stay home with John and the dogs, and watch as much television as possible before the Excedrin PM kicks in.

But this Friday was different. It was the closing night of Miss Kitty’s, and I wasn’t about to pass that up. It’s not like you see throngs of dumpy girls in bustiers and yellow contacts every day, lining the streets of Hollywood. You want to see that shit, you have to wait for the next Twilight premiere.

So I decided to not only go, but go big. You have to make an impression at a scene like this, and there was no way I was going the burlesque route. I’m just way too old for that shit, and I don’t even have any tattoos. It would be like seeing your realtor with her tits out at a fetish club, and that’s not a good look. So I headed down to the costume shop with my friends, to see if there was anything fantastic for rent.

The minute we walked in, my eyes landed on a giant beaver head on a high shelf, and I knew immediately that I wanted to wear a mascot outfit. It was perfect. Anonymous and funny and weird, and completely adorable. Who doesn’t love a beaver?

The costume consisted of a large head with no fan in it (“It’s light! You don’t need a fan!”), a pair of fur mittens and snap on shoe covers that were sort of like beaver spats. I took it home and lovingly brushed it out, more sure than ever that I was doing the right thing.

The first sign of trouble came before we even left the house. By the time I got to the front door, the temperature inside the beaver had reached the thousands. I was sweating profusely, and my make-up was running into my eyes, causing black, Courtney-Love-style rivulets to run down my chin. I took the head off and rode in the car with my own head out the window, trying to cool off.

Our first stop was the Lucky Strike Bowling Alley in the same complex where they shoot American Idol (at one point I spotted a poster of Stephen Tyler, and realized that his head was actually much larger than the one I was wearing). The security guard checking IDs seemed completely unfazed by the beaver suit, and let me in without comment. But there was a lot of discussion about whether to let John in, because he was wearing an Elvis jumpsuit, and they thought that might be violating the dress code. Beavers yes, Elvis no. Check. Eventually the manager relented when he realized we had reserved a lane and were drinking heavily. Either that, or arguing with a woman in a beaver suit was making him question every choice he had ever made.

I started to realize how limited my vision was in the beaver head. I could only look out of one eye at a time, and only if I pushed the head to one side. It didn’t seem to be a problem in the bowling alley, so I simply continued with my evening, After a few drinks the head started making the rounds, and many interesting photos were taken.

Once we got to the bar, things took a turn for the worse. It was dark and smoky and very, very crowded. Even pushing the head to one side and peering out of the eye was giving me little to work with. I clung to John for dear life as he escorted me through the narrowing walkways, as people began to touch me and ask us to stop for photos.

At first, the photo ops were fun. People were excited to see me, and wanted to pet me and hug me. But as the evening progressed and people got drunker, things started to change.

The first altercation happened on the dance floor. I was trying to do the Robot and the Cabbage Patch, and whatever moves I could think of that I thought would look good on a beaver. It was very crowded and a lot of people were dancing with me and petting me, and it was getting really, really hot inside that suit.

Suddenly a woman turned around and saw me, and let out a blood curdling scream.

“That’s not cool!”, she shouted. “I’m scared of beavers!” And she proceeded to kick me and punch me repeatedly.

Fortunately the suit had a good bit of padding, but the whole thing was terrifying. I managed to get away from her and we tried to get out onto the patio, but it was so crowded that I actually got stuck. I was wedged between so many people that I couldn’t see or make myself heard at all. I still had John’s hand, but the people between us started groping me. And that’s when I realized that someone in a fur suit in a sex positive club was asking for trouble.

This went on all night. People alternated between grabbing my tits and beating the shit out of me. I got humped and punched, licked and kicked, people were grinding on me and one very drunk girl gave me a lap dance. It wasn’t as much fun as it sounds.

It took us a very, very long time to get out of the club, as we were squeezed in like sardines toward the end of the night. We spent minutes at a time completely immobile, pressed together so tightly that I couldn’t lift my arms to remove my head.

I thought I might pass out. I started thinking about the Stones at Altamont, or those T-shirts people used to wear that said, I’D STOMP ALL OVER YOU TO SEE THE WHO. I was trying to remember if that Who concert was in Cincinnati when someone reached under the head from behind, grabbed a handful of my wet hair and started pulling as hard as they could.

Eventually we got out of the club, and we collapsed on a bus bench on Santa Monica Boulevard. We sat there for a long time, trying to catch our breath, and people continued to take pictures of us, jumping out of their cars at stop lights and yelling, “Hey Elvis, is that your beaver?” I just nodded and waved.

The next day, we all went out for breakfast and talked about the night’s events. No one had any idea that I was getting accosted, because it was just so dark and loud in there. We all laughed about it, and somewhere in the back of my mind, I thought there was a valuable lesson to be learned in all of this.

And there was.

Never leave your beaver feet where your dog can find them. The costume shop will charge you $350.