The shithead in me wants to get the handjob shirt for my boyfriend, mainly because it looks GREAT with jeans. I’m sure it will go over well with other grocery store, Target, or BJ’s customers.
Okay, now I’m sad because I just realized I don’t do much else. I’d flounce, but not reading Regretsy anymore would just result in me having even less of a life. Bawwww.
Wow, the derp is affecting my brain. I thought maybe some punctuation could help the last one, as in “it’s need: a handjob” but there’s still that pesky extraneous apostrophe. Damn grammar!
Bassoon? Has this woman never heard of an upright bass (or a ‘slap bass’ as it’s sometimes called in bluegrass parlance)?
It worries me, though; over the last several days, the levels of Derp on Etsy have been rising drastically. We could be facing a derpsnami in the near future.
Somehow I imagine anyone who owns that T-shirt is going to be pairing it not with a pair of jeans, but with a trenchcoat and an order to stay 500 feet away from schools at all times.
(also: oh yes I did. Been reading Regretsy since it was less than a week old, but it takes the unbridled glee of cockblocking someone else out of an awesome name to make me register.)
@ #12: I was so excited to get signed up and make my user name “Betty Cracker” but then my adult ADD kicked in and seconds after clicking “register” forgot what I was supposed to be doing and made my name something else and updated my blog. YAY for being sidetra
Buzzkill Crying Glitter Eagle
February 4, 2011 at 8:58 pm
you can change your screen name here anytime. I used to be Buzkill to Teenagers. Then Buskill to Teenagers who think they are steampunk, and then I changed it to BCGE in honor of the 9-11 memorial post and wanting to acknowledge the Native American roots that I can’t possibly claim as my own.
The Shirt reminds me of the time I saw a couple Mexican guys on a Saturday night at Meijers all dressed up in their leather jackets and boots with silver tips. One guy, however, had a t-shirt that read more or less “On Friday nights I date my hand”, in English. I don’t know if he knew what it said or not.
@Flair_A_Faucet Betty Cracker-Style: I just found out from Helen herself yesterday… go to Gravatar.com, and you can make bunches of avatars and control all of your wordpress account pictures from one location!
@zombee: Photoshop saves people from actually having to do any work in case no one buys their crap after they’ve wasted the shirts.
Considering that I can get all of them for less than $40, spelling and grammar would sky rocket those prices. Education isn’t free! Oh wait… maybe it is. I don’t know anymore. Sorry for the confusion.
I thought I’d noticed a hidden message when I saw that the first two letters that were needed were P and O. I’m kind of disappointed that an S wouldn’t make the bassoon player better.
Buzzkill Crying Glitter Eagle
February 5, 2011 at 7:16 am
#29 Apologies… the UI field is “Nickname” and then the field following is “Display Name As” where you select either your “Nickname” or your “User Name”
I was going to take a whole pile of umbrage and say that I’ve never used AOL, except that I do remember using the 30-day free trial when I had dialup on an external modem.
Your friend is a bluegrass bassoon player, eh? He must not be a very close friend if you can’t remember what instrument he plays. Either that or he laughs at you behind your back every time you call him a bassoon player.
…and I thought “Do you want some chips with that tailgate?” was the lamest it coult get. At least that’s a pun that CORRECTLY mixes up the driving tailgate with the football one.
@Badger-It has been said that before the apocalypse the levels of derp on Etsy would rise to epic levels. Followed by a hail of paperclip necklaces and adjustable rings with large chunks of rocks glued to them. Perhaps it’s time to stock up on the canned goods.
As a dyslexic it sometimes takes me a minute with these slogans to realize exactly what is wrong with them. Not so much today.
For the life of me I could not figure out “wallah”, at first I thought of the Hindu suffix meaning worker, as in auto-wallah (rickshaw-man). So “flowers, and wallah” would mean flowers, then poorly paid Indian worker. Or in the sense of “praise to Allah!” But that seemed wrong so I thought it must be a meme I hadn’t heard of. But then the light dawned and I realized I am pretentious.
Makes me wonder about the apron seller’s inspiration. How many situations do you walk in and see someone with their non-yeasty buns on your table? Enough that it isn’t a pleasant sexual surprise, that is?
#38 Nahhh: I think you’re missing a great opportunity. Cut the drywall around the wrinkled, stuck-on Nirvana poster and list it on etsy as vintage Steampunk art. Ask at least $400.
If I’m going to be wearing a shirt that suggests anything be done to my wang-dang-doodle, I think I’d go for something more expensive than an HJ, clowns give you those for 20, not some measly 10
I just wanted you to know that during this snow storm, I’ve been home with my baby and husband for, what, 6 days now? And I have spent a total of at least 24 hours of it on here. I should’ve been doing homework, organizing for a garage sale and probably paying attention to those other two. I don’t regret it.
HairyVeganMeatCurtains
February 7, 2011 at 6:38 am
Bumby dentcurtains was my second choice. Prolly won’t post much as I can’t match you guys for snark, but holy shit! FUNNY! Thanks for the hours of entertainment.
#41: Actually, five stringed double basses do exist…they’re just not as common as the other variant. And no, I’m not getting them mixed up with electric bass guitars.
I’m of the firm opinion that idiots need the red dotted underline and green dotted underline to appear before them in real life. Granted, the really derpy types seem to ignore instant spell check and grammar check when it’s on their computer screen, and it wouldn’t help the person who thinks double basses are bassoons.
Nothing goes better with a pair of jeans than bad grammar! Spill beer on both and they’ll not only be a conversation-starter, but a matching set! Beer not included.
Honestly, I kind of want that apron. :I I would buy it if I couldn’t make it myself, but alas, I can. Damn you Etsy!
Also, I would REALLY love to listen to some blue-grass bassoon. Not sarcasm. I’m serious. :I
Just found out that you never, EVER just nonchalantly ask a bassist, “Sooo, what’s the difference between an upright bass and a cello?” And you sure as hell don’t bring a bassoon into the conversation unless you happen to know a really pussy bass player. (Which I don’t think really exists. However, I used to believe there couldn’t possibly be a person in existence that could use the correct forms of “you’re” and “your” and still spell “bumper” wrong. So, there’s that.)
February 4, 2011 at 6:58 pm
I’m not sure which I like better – the handjob or Betty Cracker. But I do know that I am looking smarter and smarter everyday….
February 4, 2011 at 6:59 pm
Dude, your friend is a shitty bassoon player.
February 4, 2011 at 7:02 pm
Wallah, the best apron ever!
February 4, 2011 at 7:05 pm
I think Betty Cracker seems appropriate, actually.
February 4, 2011 at 7:05 pm
theyse too funie
February 4, 2011 at 7:07 pm
Mommy, what’s a bumber?
February 4, 2011 at 7:08 pm
I understand that premier bassoon player Betty Cracker gives hand jobs what she plays let is snow on her bassoon.
February 4, 2011 at 7:09 pm
Comic sans and derp. Best friends forevah!
February 4, 2011 at 7:10 pm
Wallah! I’m a fucktard!
February 4, 2011 at 7:12 pm
Its the wrong kind of crack on the table I guess
February 4, 2011 at 7:15 pm
What a bumbass.
February 4, 2011 at 7:21 pm
I’m sad, now I wish my username was Betty Cracker.
February 4, 2011 at 7:25 pm
The shithead in me wants to get the handjob shirt for my boyfriend, mainly because it looks GREAT with jeans. I’m sure it will go over well with other grocery store, Target, or BJ’s customers.
Okay, now I’m sad because I just realized I don’t do much else. I’d flounce, but not reading Regretsy anymore would just result in me having even less of a life. Bawwww.
February 4, 2011 at 7:31 pm
Wow, the derp is affecting my brain. I thought maybe some punctuation could help the last one, as in “it’s need: a handjob” but there’s still that pesky extraneous apostrophe. Damn grammar!
February 4, 2011 at 7:35 pm
Perhaps the person who doesn’t like tailgaters means to whap them smartly with his or her bumbershoot.
February 4, 2011 at 7:37 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
February 4, 2011 at 7:44 pm
You’re proud of your team and all other teams suck right? Well, now you can finally tell those fans of other teams what’s up!
That you’re on Team Dipshit?
February 4, 2011 at 7:59 pm
Wallah pretty much sums it up.
February 4, 2011 at 7:59 pm
Bassoon? Has this woman never heard of an upright bass (or a ‘slap bass’ as it’s sometimes called in bluegrass parlance)?
It worries me, though; over the last several days, the levels of Derp on Etsy have been rising drastically. We could be facing a derpsnami in the near future.
February 4, 2011 at 8:00 pm
I have seen that bumber sticker before….on Yukon Cornelius’ dog sled.
February 4, 2011 at 8:01 pm
Lol, with the way the school systems are in the U.S. these days, I’d say it was made in the U.S.
February 4, 2011 at 8:14 pm
Somehow I imagine anyone who owns that T-shirt is going to be pairing it not with a pair of jeans, but with a trenchcoat and an order to stay 500 feet away from schools at all times.
(also: oh yes I did. Been reading Regretsy since it was less than a week old, but it takes the unbridled glee of cockblocking someone else out of an awesome name to make me register.)
February 4, 2011 at 8:18 pm
U Can’t Haz A Hand Job!
February 4, 2011 at 8:43 pm
@ #12: I was so excited to get signed up and make my user name “Betty Cracker” but then my adult ADD kicked in and seconds after clicking “register” forgot what I was supposed to be doing and made my name something else and updated my blog. YAY for being sidetra
February 4, 2011 at 8:51 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
February 4, 2011 at 8:53 pm
ignore that mess up there, muscle spasm and clicky the wrong thing.
February 4, 2011 at 8:58 pm
you can change your screen name here anytime. I used to be Buzkill to Teenagers. Then Buskill to Teenagers who think they are steampunk, and then I changed it to BCGE in honor of the 9-11 memorial post and wanting to acknowledge the Native American roots that I can’t possibly claim as my own.
February 4, 2011 at 8:59 pm
This post hurt my eyes and then my brain.
Wallah.
February 4, 2011 at 9:12 pm
Buzzkill, thanks for the name-change tip. Now comes the avatar question: Can you upload your own avatar?
OK, back to Regretsy. I had a moment where I confused ‘bassoon’ and ‘spittoon’ and was severely frightened. Wallah indeed.
February 4, 2011 at 9:21 pm
Using “screen name” betrays your AOL roots.
Using “handle” would mean you are old.
February 4, 2011 at 9:31 pm
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February 4, 2011 at 9:46 pm
Maybe there’s supposed to be a period after Betty.
February 4, 2011 at 10:27 pm
Comic Sans? Check.
Flower power? Check.
Blue grass bassoon? Check.
Wallah!! More derp!
February 4, 2011 at 10:45 pm
Is it just me, or are those words not…actually…printed on the shirt?
February 4, 2011 at 10:53 pm
The Shirt reminds me of the time I saw a couple Mexican guys on a Saturday night at Meijers all dressed up in their leather jackets and boots with silver tips. One guy, however, had a t-shirt that read more or less “On Friday nights I date my hand”, in English. I don’t know if he knew what it said or not.
February 4, 2011 at 11:08 pm
The table is the best place to get some buns…
If I do say so myself.
February 4, 2011 at 11:41 pm
Betty Cracker just made my life! I can never buy brownie or cake mix ever again without laughing my ass off.
@#33: It’s totally Photoshopped!
February 4, 2011 at 11:56 pm
@Flair_A_Faucet Betty Cracker-Style: I just found out from Helen herself yesterday… go to Gravatar.com, and you can make bunches of avatars and control all of your wordpress account pictures from one location!
@zombee: Photoshop saves people from actually having to do any work in case no one buys their crap after they’ve wasted the shirts.
February 5, 2011 at 1:04 am
I may order the dead-bassoon-player-angel print to hang next to the wrinkled Nirvana poster that won’t ever come off my wall without steam.
February 5, 2011 at 1:17 am
It’s needs to be fixed–and I mean that in a veterinary sense.
February 5, 2011 at 5:22 am
Considering that I can get all of them for less than $40, spelling and grammar would sky rocket those prices. Education isn’t free! Oh wait… maybe it is. I don’t know anymore. Sorry for the confusion.
February 5, 2011 at 6:07 am
It doesn’t take a music genius to know that the string bass has 4 strings not 5… but maybe i’m wrong, maybe the rare string basson has 5.
February 5, 2011 at 6:46 am
I thought I’d noticed a hidden message when I saw that the first two letters that were needed were P and O. I’m kind of disappointed that an S wouldn’t make the bassoon player better.
February 5, 2011 at 7:02 am
Wait, does the white “Handjob” shirt make you invisible?
February 5, 2011 at 7:16 am
#29 Apologies… the UI field is “Nickname” and then the field following is “Display Name As” where you select either your “Nickname” or your “User Name”
I was going to take a whole pile of umbrage and say that I’ve never used AOL, except that I do remember using the 30-day free trial when I had dialup on an external modem.
My first home computer was a slide rule.
February 5, 2011 at 7:17 am
#28 – google “gravatar” – there’s a way to change your user pic.
February 5, 2011 at 7:48 am
Your friend is a bluegrass bassoon player, eh? He must not be a very close friend if you can’t remember what instrument he plays. Either that or he laughs at you behind your back every time you call him a bassoon player.
February 5, 2011 at 7:55 am
…and I thought “Do you want some chips with that tailgate?” was the lamest it coult get. At least that’s a pun that CORRECTLY mixes up the driving tailgate with the football one.
February 5, 2011 at 10:52 am
@Badger-It has been said that before the apocalypse the levels of derp on Etsy would rise to epic levels. Followed by a hail of paperclip necklaces and adjustable rings with large chunks of rocks glued to them. Perhaps it’s time to stock up on the canned goods.
As a dyslexic it sometimes takes me a minute with these slogans to realize exactly what is wrong with them. Not so much today.
February 5, 2011 at 11:45 am
Even if Regretsy can stop
Horrible misspellings cannot Stop.
February 5, 2011 at 12:50 pm
Behold the 4 items of the Derpocalypse.
February 5, 2011 at 3:13 pm
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February 5, 2011 at 3:15 pm
For the life of me I could not figure out “wallah”, at first I thought of the Hindu suffix meaning worker, as in auto-wallah (rickshaw-man). So “flowers, and wallah” would mean flowers, then poorly paid Indian worker. Or in the sense of “praise to Allah!” But that seemed wrong so I thought it must be a meme I hadn’t heard of. But then the light dawned and I realized I am pretentious.
Wallah!
April 11, 2011 at 6:41 pm
Still, it was good of you to give credit for more advanced literacy as your default approach to the derpiness.
February 5, 2011 at 3:43 pm
If I was proud of my team I’d actually get official merchandise instead of that bullshit.
February 5, 2011 at 5:27 pm
I also desperately want to meet an actual Bluegrass bassoon player now, because that would be totes kickass.
February 5, 2011 at 6:38 pm
“It’s needs a Handjob” really needs a “Who wore it Better” between Arby’s Oven Mitt and the Hamburger Helper Helping Hand
February 5, 2011 at 6:46 pm
I actually like the quality Bassoon picture, even though its not a Bassoon.
February 5, 2011 at 6:59 pm
…meant to put “of the” in there. I think this page has grammaritis.
February 5, 2011 at 7:38 pm
Hand jobs are so over rated.
February 5, 2011 at 9:47 pm
Where do I get the hand job shirts that HAVE been worn?
February 5, 2011 at 9:49 pm
Oh, at first I thought it was a verb problem: “It’s need…”
Now I see it’s just a typo. Should be “It’s kneed.”
As in “It’s kneed every time I wear this shirt in public.”
February 5, 2011 at 11:45 pm
Makes me wonder about the apron seller’s inspiration. How many situations do you walk in and see someone with their non-yeasty buns on your table? Enough that it isn’t a pleasant sexual surprise, that is?
In that case I’m calling ingratitudinanigans.
February 6, 2011 at 8:31 am
#38 Nahhh: I think you’re missing a great opportunity. Cut the drywall around the wrinkled, stuck-on Nirvana poster and list it on etsy as vintage Steampunk art. Ask at least $400.
April 11, 2011 at 6:43 pm
… and frame it in barn wood.
February 6, 2011 at 12:39 pm
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February 6, 2011 at 12:56 pm
The Bassoon picture has been renamed. Somebody reads Regretsy!
February 6, 2011 at 1:07 pm
I just wanted you to know that during this snow storm, I’ve been home with my baby and husband for, what, 6 days now? And I have spent a total of at least 24 hours of it on here. I should’ve been doing homework, organizing for a garage sale and probably paying attention to those other two. I don’t regret it.
February 6, 2011 at 2:26 pm
#64: Yay!!! I’m glad he re-named it, because that guy’s work is actually pretty great and it’s unfortunate when a silly mistake detracts from that.
February 6, 2011 at 3:17 pm
Hah, the title part of the “bassoon” was renamed.. but the description part still calls it a bassoon!
February 6, 2011 at 3:30 pm
nice apron but if i do not want people to sit on my table i will get a place mat and glue thumbtacks onto it ….
February 6, 2011 at 4:37 pm
#67: Oh, boo – I just saw that too. Maybe he’ll remember to fix it.
February 6, 2011 at 7:42 pm
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February 6, 2011 at 10:00 pm
…or it’s gets the hose.
February 6, 2011 at 11:30 pm
I have enough dents on my bumber thank you very much. Stupid cellulite.
February 7, 2011 at 4:59 am
@#41: If the rare bassoon as 5 string, then is there a rare bass with 4 reeds???
…Wallah
February 7, 2011 at 6:38 am
Bumby dentcurtains was my second choice. Prolly won’t post much as I can’t match you guys for snark, but holy shit! FUNNY! Thanks for the hours of entertainment.
February 7, 2011 at 7:48 am
Well I have to say that it’s always want a handjob. Sometimes a footjob, and it’s always happy for a blow job.
But no, no rim job. It’s does not like that.
February 7, 2011 at 9:15 am
stinkbait, your name would suggest otherwise…
February 7, 2011 at 1:36 pm
It’s need a handjob or it’s gets the hose! It’s NEED A HANDJOB OR IT’S GETS THE HOSE!!
February 7, 2011 at 1:57 pm
#41: Actually, five stringed double basses do exist…they’re just not as common as the other variant. And no, I’m not getting them mixed up with electric bass guitars.
I’m of the firm opinion that idiots need the red dotted underline and green dotted underline to appear before them in real life. Granted, the really derpy types seem to ignore instant spell check and grammar check when it’s on their computer screen, and it wouldn’t help the person who thinks double basses are bassoons.
February 7, 2011 at 3:24 pm
The “bassoon” title has been fixed, but he still refers to it as a bassoon in the description.
@#31: No, it needs a comma after “Betty”, as in: “I don’t care if your name IS Betty, Cracker.”
Which actually reminds me of a few episodes of The Jeffersons…
February 7, 2011 at 4:20 pm
Everyone knows Betty of cake-mix fame is a TOTAL cracker. I’m surprised this apron is the first one to admit it.
February 7, 2011 at 10:42 pm
What is the hand job one supposed to mean? It is a hand job? it needs a hand job? If you’re looking for a job, there’s one down there?
February 8, 2011 at 1:29 am
Nothing goes better with a pair of jeans than bad grammar! Spill beer on both and they’ll not only be a conversation-starter, but a matching set! Beer not included.
Honestly, I kind of want that apron. :I I would buy it if I couldn’t make it myself, but alas, I can. Damn you Etsy!
Also, I would REALLY love to listen to some blue-grass bassoon. Not sarcasm. I’m serious. :I
February 8, 2011 at 8:55 am
http://www.etsy.com/listing/63540824/i-am-knot-stoopid-eye-went-to-pubic?ref=v1_other_2
That first seller has another sticker making fun of bad spelling. Or giving themselves a valid defense, you decide.
“I am knot stoopid eye went to pubic skool.”
February 8, 2011 at 9:29 am
Update: The headline one the bassoon player now says “upright bass.”
However, the text in the ad still says “bassoon.”
February 9, 2011 at 12:02 am
Just found out that you never, EVER just nonchalantly ask a bassist, “Sooo, what’s the difference between an upright bass and a cello?” And you sure as hell don’t bring a bassoon into the conversation unless you happen to know a really pussy bass player. (Which I don’t think really exists. However, I used to believe there couldn’t possibly be a person in existence that could use the correct forms of “you’re” and “your” and still spell “bumper” wrong. So, there’s that.)
March 30, 2011 at 6:14 am
hahahahahah…. It’s needs to gets one of those!!