Goodbye, Alchemy
In their relentless pursuit to make it even harder for people to sell shit, Etsy has announced that they are disabling their Alchemy feature.
This means that instead of letting people bid on your custom job, you’ll have to slog through millions of sellers you don’t know and have no experience with. It’s just one more way Etsy is making your shopping experience like going to a really shitty mall.
The good news is that the Alchemy feature will return at some point, most likely after Etsy figures out a way to make it more expensive and difficult to use. In the meantime, here are some Alchemy Requests I’ve been hoarding for your amusement.
UPDATE: One of our readers left this artwork in the comment thread. I wanted to make sure you saw it.
February 1, 2011 at 9:34 am
I’m pretty sure that “Spiderman/Jesus” one is hanging in my synagogue.
Y’know… for laughs.
February 1, 2011 at 9:36 am
Wow, really really sucks that people won’t be able to ask for baby corsets anymore, or a full body suit that makes you walk like Morticia. Plus, no more entertainment for me, Etsy is making a huge mistake there.
February 1, 2011 at 9:37 am
There are days when I can actually relate to wanting that last one.
But that’s because it’s winter and I live in Cleveland. I don’t believe I’ve ever been to The, NY.
February 1, 2011 at 9:37 am
HAHAHA!!! That first one (that I have no idea what it says) is from my hometown. How embarrassing.
February 1, 2011 at 9:37 am
Socks made out of the tears of leper children are pretty uncomfortable, I hear.
February 1, 2011 at 9:39 am
I think there is some weird internet company virus going around. Meetup fucked up bigtime and now etsy.
February 1, 2011 at 9:39 am
God, what the hell, and the Tulsa one? These makes Oklahomans look even more crazy. I can’t wait to move.
February 1, 2011 at 9:39 am
No! Noooo!!! NOOOOOO!!!!! *shakes fist at the sky* Oh, the humanity!!!!!
*Ahem* Eh. Ok. I’ll miss the Alchemy fuckery.
February 1, 2011 at 9:40 am
As for the custom “bool” full of written “memmories”…
I’ll bet one of their favorite memmories is never getting disciplined by their parents for bringing home a bad report card.
February 1, 2011 at 9:40 am
A fake pregnancy belly?
WHAT THE HELL DID YOU TELL THE IN-LAWS?
February 1, 2011 at 9:41 am
I believe the first request was typed by the person in the last request.
February 1, 2011 at 9:42 am
I thought one could buy fairly convincing pregnancy bellies. But what do I know.
Gee, I’m going to miss the WTF alchemy requests, though I must say I find the one of the Spiderman/Jesus matchup a bit disturbing of a head picture. As I do for the picture of sheep with people for hooves. I’m sure there’s a politcal statement in there somewhere.
February 1, 2011 at 9:44 am
Well, the first request is obviously posted by the family dog while the family cat was swiping at his tail.
The others… are very scary. Especially the torture socks. I’m just imagining some poor kid getting punished with those things, while wearing a baby hello kitty corset.
March 30, 2011 at 3:04 pm
It was me who made this alchemy request:
http://www.etsy.com/transaction/39852022
I did not ask for the reason the man needed such socks, but coarse wool socks are very helpful for diabetes patients, stimulating nerves and preventing feet amputation!!!
I like Regretsy, but this alchemy request did not and does not look strange for me!
February 1, 2011 at 9:44 am
The pregnancy belly woman must have seen that shiteous Lindsay Lohan made-for-TV movie. Didn’t work for Lindsay, sweetie! Then again, not much has.
February 1, 2011 at 9:45 am
regarding the preggo belly – are they going to want something moving around in there, too?
February 1, 2011 at 9:45 am
You could probably write another bool on just alchemy requests.
I wonder how the uni-skants hopped in that chair without spilling the pink lemonade.
February 1, 2011 at 9:46 am
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
February 1, 2011 at 9:48 am
My two-year old created that last one when she tried to dress herself this morning.
February 1, 2011 at 9:48 am
Goodbye, Alchemy. You sure could draw the crazy.
February 1, 2011 at 9:50 am
The pregnant belly to me is the most disturbing of requests, I’m not sure if that is good or bad. If you’re not wanting it for Halloween and people are going to want to touch it, then I think you have much more severe problems than scratchy sock person.
February 1, 2011 at 9:54 am
Regarding the first one, I like that there are 3 people out there who will bid on shit JUST to bid on it, b/c there’s no way in hell they know what she’s talking about.
(unless they are drunk too, and it somehow makes sense to all of them.)
February 1, 2011 at 9:54 am
Man, I’m sad to see the Alchemy feature go… I hope it comes back soon.
That Spiderman vs Jesus painting sounds sinfully delightful.
The fake pregnancy belly request scares the hell out of me.
February 1, 2011 at 9:55 am
Amused to no end to imagine someone in The, NY thinking hm, I need one of those. What IS that? I have $200. Hmm.
February 1, 2011 at 9:56 am
My brain is on fire from this weird assortment of fuckery. How dare Etsy remove such a prime source of entertainment?? And wtf is that sheep with people for hooves thing????!!
February 1, 2011 at 9:59 am
The Unique Painting request for “a sheep wearing a gas mask, riding a horse with people for hooves” is going to stew in the back of my mind until I do it. I’m not selling it for no measly $45 either.
March 9, 2011 at 9:11 pm
UPDATE!!
February 1, 2011 at 9:59 am
Now where will we see people’s favorite fetishes on display? and learn about new fetishes we never even thought of?
You never wanted to know about the socks…
February 1, 2011 at 10:00 am
Wow, it’s as if the delusional halfwit brother I never knew I had suddenly moved to another state.
February 1, 2011 at 10:03 am
i can’t help but wonder what the sock-requester is up to… is he planning on giving them away? wearing them during sex? what exactly?
and does he want them in barbed wire?
the belly is also weird…
February 1, 2011 at 10:06 am
Re: giant pink cabled slug-looking body sock–how does one get into that?
More importantly, how does one get out?
June 22, 2012 at 4:03 am
Pull your legs in from one sleeve, your head in from the other, leave the drink outside of the neck when you pull your hands in, and exit through the waist, which is currently tucked under your butt. I would recommend washing it in extremely hot water, and writing Great-Aunt Omar a note mentioning your recent and extremely successful weight-loss program?
February 1, 2011 at 10:22 am
I’m not that sad to see Alchemy go, actually.
Sadly, the memory of the butt plugs will linger like the aftertaste of my iron supplement when it gets stuck to the roof of my mouth because the coffee is too hot to take a big gulp to wash it down, and then the pill dissolves in my mouth, filling it with bitter irony powder. Except it’s not the good kind of bitter irony. At all.
February 1, 2011 at 10:35 am
What’s a bool? Is that like a Boolean search?
February 1, 2011 at 10:39 am
Does the Hello Kitty corset come with a Badtz-Maru garter belt?
February 1, 2011 at 10:40 am
That purple sweater thing reminds me of the “manamana” muppets. like, so much so that I finally signed up to make comments here so I could tell you all.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NA90IlymdZ4
February 1, 2011 at 10:40 am
jeez, a very real feeling pregnancy belly? Hmm…sounds kinda shady to me, Id love to be a fly on the wall when this mystery woman has the kahunas to walk in there waddling…”oh my back, this pillow — uh, I mean baby, yea, this baby is killing me! I need to have this stuffing — dammit, I mean baby soon.”
don’t they make preg belly’s already, I bet they’d be cheaper then 200 bucks too, oh well I hope she gets her mischievous deed done. NOT!
February 1, 2011 at 10:51 am
Clearly, this is evidence Midwest America is the root of all Etsy evil.
February 1, 2011 at 10:52 am
This is not nearly as weird as the picture I did of Matt Damon & Ben Affleck as Adam and Eve, but…
http://i745.photobucket.com/albums/xx99/rivs89/alchemy.jpg
February 1, 2011 at 10:56 am
Etsy is just going to slow to a snails pace with all those people in Oklahoma searching and surfing through sellers they have to personally contact for their custom bools and Jesus and Spiderman cage match requests.
February 1, 2011 at 11:03 am
I was wondering how one got in and out of the pink thing, too. And the pregnancy belly? Scary. The Alchemy requests have taught me much that I have never wanted to know.
MothraStewart: that’s pretty badass.
The socks are probably for a monk somewhere who is already sporting an itchy undergarment, although I thought hair shirts had gone out of vogue. What do I know?
I’ve got a headache from this weirdness.
February 1, 2011 at 11:24 am
Not sure why the prego faker doesn’t go here:
http://www.trixiepixgraphics.com/fake_pregnant_belly_bellies/fake_pregnancy_bellies.html
February 1, 2011 at 11:25 am
I’m pretty sure that the last one is just a big sweater. Put your feet in one sleeve, (try to) put your head through the other. That allows your hands to come up through the neck. You would also have to sit. All day.
February 1, 2011 at 11:25 am
You know, I think I’ll just send the pregnancy belly requester the first 2 seasons of “Glee” so she can see how that worked out for that couple.
February 1, 2011 at 11:29 am
I’m pretty sure the last one is just a really stretchy turtleneck. Or are there sexy Q-Bert cosplayers out there. Oh wait, of course there are.
February 1, 2011 at 11:36 am
i agree that the pink thing is a sweater, but it seems the bodyhole is sewn shut. not sure how you’d get in it without being sewn in. feet through one arm, head through the other, then your hands have an open neckhole. the picture seems that they pulled the bottom of it all the way to one side and are sitting on the edge so that you wonder how they got in it.
February 1, 2011 at 11:47 am
@ pinkfizzy #35 – You will be pleased to know that if you google “sexy q-bert”, that image comes up in the 5th page of images. I bet we could get it to #1, who’s with me!
February 1, 2011 at 11:52 am
Hmmmmmmmmm. The ‘bool’ requester. Dyslexia meets with one-finger-off typos? Of course, if the poster could *read*, how would we ever get these classic bits of Alchemy?
I’ll miss Alchemy, though it was already hard enough to use without any more messing with it. :>)
February 1, 2011 at 11:55 am
For $200 I’m pretty sure I could find a way to get the lady actually pregnant.
February 1, 2011 at 11:55 am
As for the itchy socks:
Come spring, if she wants to venture into the nether regions of my backyard, I have some seriously mutant poison ivy that could cause some major scratching and leave one bad ass rash, too.
As for me, I would require the one legged pink scuba suit to retrieve it, and it would cost a lot more than 25 bucks. That would even cover my copay for steriods…
February 1, 2011 at 12:06 pm
@Mothra, that is one wicked cool rendering of Spidey v Jesus. I tremble in awe of your genius. it should be in the regretsy etsy shop, doncha think?
February 1, 2011 at 12:08 pm
If da is 72, the child is presumably old enough to write a coherent alchemy request on etsy… Father’s age is the only thing I could gether up from it…
Whatever those three bidders are offering, I’m sure it’s a mile off from what this loonie whants. And I’m upset about my 4year old not being able to explain clearly what he wants in one sentence…
February 1, 2011 at 12:08 pm
Getting rid of Alchemy is really the dumbest thing they could do. It was a lot of fun bidding! Never mind the weird crazy requests were always a lot of fun to read.
February 1, 2011 at 12:09 pm
unique painting sounds like a regretsy bait…
February 1, 2011 at 12:12 pm
Darn Etsy, taking away Alchemy! I never get anything nice.
The pregnancy belly request scares the bejesus out of me. WTF?
February 1, 2011 at 12:19 pm
I’m really sad that Alchemy will be discontinued, and not just for the loss of amusement value. I feel terribly for people like those requesting above, trying to use the Etsy Search function to locate their desires. I have enough trouble navigating through to useful results looking for exotic things like “child’s silver bracelet.”
February 1, 2011 at 12:19 pm
@knittin-kitten-
Aside from potential baby snatching fears, the request for the fake belly could be less scary if say, the liquid filling made it look like a La la lamp.
Cool.
February 1, 2011 at 1:07 pm
Yep. That thar’s some fuckery I gonna miss (wiping tear from i)
February 1, 2011 at 1:34 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
February 1, 2011 at 2:08 pm
Oh god, the fake belly. So many frightening possibilities. And the first one that came to mind was some kind of fetish.
February 1, 2011 at 2:32 pm
The sheep wearing a gas mask reminds me of the cover of John Brunner’s Sheep Look Up:
http://www.amazon.com/Sheep-Look-Up-John-Brunner/dp/B000TYSLMQ/
You’ve got to admit that torture socks beats the heck out of a hair shirt.
February 1, 2011 at 2:51 pm
Request #6: Oh My GOD! They killed Alchemy! YOU BASTARDS!!!!!
February 1, 2011 at 2:55 pm
Maggie Lizer strikes again! The last pregnancy belly must of went missing.
February 1, 2011 at 2:59 pm
I see now that a lot of people are simply trying to get on regretsy and I hope it doesn’t ruin it. Its so much funnier that they truly think these things they make are pure genius & the requests being actually wanted by someone makes it funnier on a whole other level! (talking about post #55)
February 1, 2011 at 3:01 pm
The moment I saw that “can you make this for me?” request when it was first posted, I linked it to a friend’s facebook with the caption “do you think this will make it onto regretsy?”
How could it not, really? It’s so…so.
Boo on closing alchemy though, it was occasionally very useful.
February 1, 2011 at 4:40 pm
#53 Wilma: I think that the maker should put a couple of koi inside the fake belly. Then there would be some realistic movement too. If they made it transparent, it would make quite the conversation piece after her scheme blows up in her face.
February 1, 2011 at 5:04 pm
I’d just like to clear up that Tasmania is NOT a state of Australia (they just like to think it is), and no responsibility will be taken for scratchy sock guy.
February 1, 2011 at 5:39 pm
I also noted he mentioned both “wool” and “sheep” in the material list. If not wool, I wonder what other part of the sheep he could possibly have in mind…
February 1, 2011 at 6:05 pm
It seems quite a few if you really misunderstood what I said there. My boyfriend had never even heard of Regretsy until two weeks ago. When he came to me asking if I knew of a place where he could get one of these paintings, I suggested Etsy. I then helped him go through the steps and said to him, “I can’t believe you want this. This will probably get onto Regretsy.” To which he replied, “I don’t even know what Regretsy is. I just want one of these paintings.”
I would never intentionally post something to make it on Regretsy. That would take the fun out of the spontaneous whimsicle fuckery!
February 1, 2011 at 7:06 pm
I hope to Spacemonkey that whoever requested the pregnancy belly is on a law enforcement watch list. Because once her ‘due date’ passes, I fear there may be a preggo mom murder/fetus stolen situation. Seriously messed up…
February 1, 2011 at 8:14 pm
I knit and have a chronically freezing mother. When I first saw the pink monstrosity about a year ago on a joke site, I immediately tried to figure out how to make something like it for her. I started looking at how the pattern flowed and finally realized…yep, it’s just a big sweater. Congrats to those who figured it out in 30 seconds and don’t know one end of a knitting needle from the other!
February 1, 2011 at 8:52 pm
I was thinking the pregnancy belly could be even better if they put one of those fake realistic looking baby dolls in it and maybe with motorized limbs so it can “kick” when the people at the meeting try to feel it. Then in a few weeks the newborn could come out for family photos to keep the meeting people guessing. Then, witness protection program.
February 1, 2011 at 9:32 pm
That first request looks like our cat (the one in my avatar) typing on the laptop.
I’m trying to wrap my head around the baby corset.Do you *really* want to squeeze a baby around the middle?
February 2, 2011 at 1:23 am
I own that pair of evil wool socks. 0_o It never occurred to me to sell them… Hey, this could be good. Is the person looking for the evil socks still buying?
February 2, 2011 at 9:07 am
I want to outbid that person for the Spiderman v. Jesus painting. I’m pretty sure it would be awesome no matter what.
February 2, 2011 at 12:44 pm
Is the sheep in the gas mask asking “are you my Mummy?”
February 2, 2011 at 12:49 pm
One of my aunts sent us some horribly scratchy wool with a Russian label on it (no clue if it was actually made in Russia, or just for the Russian market). Hair shirts would probably feel like cashmere compared to that scary wool. Needless to say we threw that stuff in the trash…donating it to charity would have been an act of cruelty. If anyone could stand knitting with that stuff (it’d probably take several layers of medical gloves, and you’d probably still get slightly scratched), it’d be exactly what that weirdo would want.
As for the pregnancy belly, clearly that person is hoping that someone can make one of these for less than a third of the cost.
http://www.aristotlecorp.net/product/SB43113U
February 2, 2011 at 3:29 pm
just when i was beginning to poke fun at these they take them away :K
February 2, 2011 at 3:50 pm
I sure hope the pregnant belly is just wanting for educational, now that I can wrap my mind around education I’m thinking about having one made for my daughters. That away it can be like 10 Things I Hate About You, I can make them put on the belly before their dates take them anywhere.
February 2, 2011 at 4:27 pm
About that “unique painting”… Yeah, I picked this up off the internet back in November:
http://i812.photobucket.com/albums/zz42/malorisdead/1290143888219.jpg
All I can say is, dude, that’s a unicycle, not a wheelchair.
February 2, 2011 at 6:55 pm
Gas mask sheep horse thing is dumb and already done.
http://cdn.imgfave.com/image_cache/1293685346235425.jpeg
Can I have my $45 now, please?
February 2, 2011 at 7:53 pm
Not only did I get to read the description of the Spiderman VS Jesus request to the spouse, but thanks to the comments here, I got to show it to him, too! This is the magic of Alchemy + Regretsy. Boo to Etsycorp for taking away this outlet of whimsicle fuckery!
February 3, 2011 at 8:27 am
hey malorisdead post #76 good catch, your awesome for that! someones PRETENDING to be creative and totally copying off of a photobucket pic…gosh dude get an imagination.
February 3, 2011 at 6:16 pm
Holy Christ on a unicycle!
February 4, 2011 at 12:20 pm
RIP Alchemy
*opens 40 and pours some out for one’s fallen homey*
February 4, 2011 at 2:22 pm
thats also a polar bear… not a sheep…. if you’re going to rip off a painting at least get the details right damn it!
March 29, 2011 at 10:59 am
this made me cry with laughter!!!! amazing
July 1, 2011 at 12:09 am
hey malorisdead post #76 good catch, your awesome for that! someones PRETENDING to be creative and totally copying off of a photobucket pic…gosh dude get an imagination.
human hair extensions
August 16, 2011 at 10:08 pm
The scratchy socks are really for diabetic purposes. My late MIL had some that I could not stand to help her put on. As for the belly; if its an important meeting I am sure someone is getting screwed. Maybe she find a dollie pardon breast implant and tape that sucker to her stomach. God, I can’t believe I tried to justify that craziness.
June 11, 2012 at 6:53 pm
I’ve been going on this site on and off for a while, but I just had to make an account because I know who must have made that fake belly listing. I never thought I would recognize something from someone I know on Regretsy, but gahh. She’s a student from my class in high school, and she was doing a project where she had to pretend to be a pregnant teen. Apparently some Planned Parenthoods have fake bellies, but she couldn’t get one in time, so gee.