- Submitted by Jaclyn

THE DERP IS OUT THERE

UPDATE: From eagle-eyed reader Stacia:

The other day I asked you tell me what this was:

I gave you three choices. The winner was clear.

As you can see, I also gave you the option to leave your own suggestion. And as usual, you stepped up. In fact you more than stepped up; you stepped up to the streets. 3D.

The top write-in answer, with a total of 64 votes, was “Shit”. This was followed closely by “A piece of shit”, with 26. Great minds think alike.

But I think you had some even better answers. So here are my favorites:

- Dexter’s Fall Collection
- What flashers wear in Seattle
- Hazmat Snuggie
- Burka for boys!
- Sith Lord who accidentally bleached his cloak
- What Bruce Willis wears at the end of “Unbreakable”
- The killer from “I Know What You Did Last Summer” in nursing school
- The astronomical weight of humanity’s sin given form
- Emperor Palpatine on a trip to Niagara Falls
- Country club executioner’s outfit: YOU JUST PLAYED THROUGH FOR THE LAST TIME
- Omaha Fashion Week
- Green screen suit for Floating Torso/Detached Extremities Weatherman
- What an Islamic pitching coach wears in the bullpen
- Business-casual wizard
- Trenchbreaker
- The Dark Lord’s gardening outfit
- What I’m wearing the next time I go into the delivery room with my wife
- Gothic spring wear coat: April showers bring DEATH AND SORROW
- Pyramid Head out for some light shopping
- Doctor Who’s lamest enemy yet
- The Gorton’s Fisherman’s brother no one talks about
- Mennonite Cloaking Device
- Final Fantasy Cosplay for under $10
- Gumby formal wear
- A huge disappointment for everyone involved

When I first started doing this site, I signed up for something called, “Etsy Finds”. It’s an email they send every morning, filled with a hand-picked selection of the kind of horse shit they love over there. You know, empty toner cartridges covered with pictures of the Eiffel Tower, calendars made out of old cookie sheets, that sort of thing.

Anyway, I realized this morning that I’ve never even looked at one of these emails. Honestly, just the lame subject line every morning is so irritating that I can’t bear to open one. “Keeping it Teal”!, “The Tights Are On But Nobody’s Home!”, “I Don’t Remember Eating Corn!” I don’t know, the whole thing is a smear.

Well, I finally looked at one of these emails today, and it was a revelation. Apparently, Etsy finds better shit to make fun of than I do. They’re up every morning, sitting in their toile-covered cubicles, drinking soy lattes from hand-thrown cups, working to make my life easier and I didn’t even know it!

I’ve decided to start letting them do a little of the heavy lifting around here. All of this “work” I’ve been doing is really cutting into my Judge Judy time. So here’s the first Brown Plate Special, delivered fresh and steaming this morning to my mailbox by those wacky bastards at Etsy.

Bottoms up!

HOW TO GET THIS LOOK AT HOME

1. Apply 6 to 7 coats of mascara
2. Finish the Tanqueray
3. Play Tears in Heaven
3. Call your ex*
5. Pass out on face

* If no ex is available, look at childhood photos and wonder how you fucked it all up so badly