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WTF Alchemy Request

76 comments on WTF Alchemy Request

  1. blablover5
    January 14, 2011 at 10:05 am

    Ah, this is because the real sonic screwdriver doesn’t work on wood.

    Thumb up Thumb down +239

  2. thecatsmeow
    January 14, 2011 at 10:05 am

    OMG, my ovaries hurt.

    Thumb up Thumb down +123

  3. Mistletoe
    January 14, 2011 at 10:06 am

    Thirty bucks? For a functional custom sex toy? What time period did you just step out of, honey? Talk about a cosmic screwing…

    Thumb up Thumb down +560

  4. joshpincusiscrying
    January 14, 2011 at 10:06 am

    Hop up on the table, put your feet in the stirrups and I’ll be with you as soon as someone answers my Alchemy request.

    Would you like a magazine while you’re waiting?

    Thumb up Thumb down +61

  5. tinkerjenn
    January 14, 2011 at 10:07 am

    Wow. You have really got to love Dr. Who to be so specific on it being the ELEVENTH Doctor’s screwdriver. I didn’t realize they were so different.

    Also, ow.

    Thumb up Thumb down +62

  6. Wilma Fingerdoo
    January 14, 2011 at 10:07 am

    Somebody likes their visits to the proctologist a bit too much.

    Thumb up Thumb down +23

  7. Orlana
    January 14, 2011 at 10:08 am

    This was the real reason the UK was up in arms over Smith becoming the new doctor.

    Thumb up Thumb down +58

  8. Wilma Fingerdoo
    January 14, 2011 at 10:10 am

    I just notice the bonus points are for sound.

    Now the kids can ask Mommy what she keeps fixing late at night in the bedroom.

    Thumb up Thumb down +128

  9. Buzzkill Crying Glitter Eagle
    January 14, 2011 at 10:17 am

    Someone must have watched this a little too much:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Do-wDPoC6GM

    (the bit to which I’m referring is in the last 2 minutes or so – but the entire thing is hilarious)

    Thumb up Thumb down +19

  10. MyEyesMyEyes
    January 14, 2011 at 10:19 am

    My hoo hoo just clamped shut at reading this.

    Thumb up Thumb down +118

  11. kaseysospacey
    January 14, 2011 at 10:20 am

    Im more suprised they don’t want tenth doctors screwdriver, he was way cuter….
    If you like Doctor Who you would have a preference… you don’t want to fantasize about first doctor by accident…ew..

    Thumb up Thumb down +156

  12. Buzzkill Crying Glitter Eagle
    January 14, 2011 at 10:23 am

    A proper Whovian fantasy should involve MULTIPLE doctors, shouldn’t it? (did I say that out loud?)

    Thumb up Thumb down +311

  13. KatP
    January 14, 2011 at 10:33 am

    Who in the *what* now??

    Thumb up Thumb down +41

  14. Jeanette77
    January 14, 2011 at 10:38 am

    Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.

    Thumb up Thumb down -23

  15. gwhizzy
    January 14, 2011 at 10:49 am

    Must light up and bonus points for sound? How about I take a few more dollars instead of imaginary points that I can’t cash in for anything??

    Thumb up Thumb down +128

  16. LittleLottie
    January 14, 2011 at 10:54 am

    Just when my girl parts thought it was safe to return….

    Thank you, Dear Alchemy Requester – I’m now afraid of my dentist, my ob/gyn, my general practitioner, all handymen, school janitors and any TV medical drama actor.

    Thumb up Thumb down +56

  17. QiWhiz
    January 14, 2011 at 10:54 am

    Isn’t Lompoc the location of a California state prison?

    Thumb up Thumb down +47

  18. easymac
    January 14, 2011 at 10:59 am

    all the whos down in whoville…

    Thumb up Thumb down +22

  19. Tygerlil
    January 14, 2011 at 10:59 am

    @Buzzkill CGE Yes, you did. lol.
    (The clip was brilliant, thanks.)

    Clearly my fantasies are not specific or multiple-partnered enough…but I’ll still avoid the probe-looking sex toys.

    Is anyone else uneasy about the thought of putting a highly-underpaid artist’s electric-current running creation in their nether regions? For thirty dollars I am imagining a hand mixer, duct tape and Christmas lights….

    Thumb up Thumb down +244

  20. pplrdum
    January 14, 2011 at 11:01 am

    #6, Wilma: “Somebody likes their visits to the proctologist a bit too much”

    I have to call you out here: your screen name is FINGERDOO!

    Thumb up Thumb down +45

  21. Wilma Fingerdoo
    January 14, 2011 at 11:08 am
  22. pplrdum
    January 14, 2011 at 11:13 am

    wilma: Oh my! I hope that’s not a hot seller, but I have a feeling… :(

    Thumb up Thumb down +7

  23. HelenaHandbasket
    January 14, 2011 at 11:13 am

    Well, Whoever gets you off..

    Thumb up Thumb down +69

  24. rawrthedinosaur
    January 14, 2011 at 11:23 am

    If there are people who makes dildos fashioned after animal dicks (both real and fantasy) and sparkly Twilight dildos, I’m sure there’s somebody who makes Doctor Who sex toys. But probably not for $30, or even $60, most likely.

    Thumb up Thumb down +99

  25. tinkerjenn
    January 14, 2011 at 11:26 am

    My inner geek died a little.

    Thumb up Thumb down +74

  26. RocketGirl75
    January 14, 2011 at 11:28 am

    I’m with Rawr. If this doesn’t already exist, I’ll sell my Hello Kitty Hitachi magic wand.

    Thumb up Thumb down +77

  27. purple_peacock
    January 14, 2011 at 11:38 am

    I third Rawr’s thought. It *has* to exist.

    On another note : WHY the Eleventh Doctor? Tenth or Third all the way!

    Thumb up Thumb down +43

  28. keysburg
    January 14, 2011 at 11:43 am

    Its really the price that’s upsetting. Sex toys are really one of those things where you get what you pay for.

    Thumb up Thumb down +67

  29. BillsBayou
    January 14, 2011 at 11:56 am

    Names for the toy:

    Doctor Who-Hah
    Cocktor Who
    Sonic Vibrator
    Dalek Dildo
    Vibratardis

    Thumb up Thumb down +215

  30. BillsBayou
    January 14, 2011 at 11:56 am

    If she’s a real fan of the show, she’s probably larger on the inside than she is on the outside.

    Thumb up Thumb down +224

  31. sidduction
    January 14, 2011 at 12:05 pm

    And she’ll only pay $30 for all that work!? Cheapskate!

    Thumb up Thumb down +30

  32. Miss_Mercurial
    January 14, 2011 at 12:20 pm

    It would be so perfect if this turned out to be the same person who requested the Star Trek buttplug. Add in a Stargate cock-ring and you can have a complete set of sci-fi sex toys. Jeez, and I always thought my nerd-ism knew no bounds…

    Thumb up Thumb down +96

  33. I farted on that once
    January 14, 2011 at 12:30 pm

    “Go-Go-Gadget Penetrator!”

    Thumb up Thumb down +35

  34. Stretch65 is considering Steampunk
    January 14, 2011 at 12:34 pm

    EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!!

    Any discriminating Dr Who sex toy owner knows you use K9 for masturbating – not the sonic screwdriver!

    Thumb up Thumb down +27

  35. Lumptious
    January 14, 2011 at 12:40 pm

    #31 miss_mercurial: don’t forget the Star Wars anal beads and the Firefly bondage mask!

    Thumb up Thumb down +26

  36. brucifer
    January 14, 2011 at 12:46 pm

    “and not too skinny”. I guess the Dalek manipulatory arm ruined her for the Dr’s tiny tool.

    Thumb up Thumb down +43

  37. Jazz Chicken
    January 14, 2011 at 1:12 pm

    I will humbly admit that I would enjoy a Tenth Doctor Sonic Screw”Me”Driver, preferably with the Tenth Doctor attached. Wait a minute…if David Tennant is there, I won’t need his sonic screwdriver.

    Thumb up Thumb down +116

  38. WhyLikeThis
    January 14, 2011 at 1:27 pm

    I think we have a fundemental misunderstanding of what “screwdriver” means

    and also: GAAAAACK!

    Thumb up Thumb down +17

  39. TooManyCookbooks
    January 14, 2011 at 1:32 pm

    At least they didn’t ask for a vibrating Dalek.

    Thumb up Thumb down +33

  40. WhyLikeThis
    January 14, 2011 at 1:39 pm

    i want to hear this 911 call…
    does that make me a bad person?

    Thumb up Thumb down +83

  41. BillsBayou
    January 14, 2011 at 2:21 pm

    I made one in my workshop. It’s $300 for the prototype. If you want it for $49.95, you can get it after I get my Chinese manufacturer to finish the first batch of 2500 units. If you want it for $30.00, as per your Alchemy request, you can buy it used at a flea market in about 2 years.

    http://img.photobucket.com/albums/0903/billsbayou/SonicScrewDriver-1.gif

    Thumb up Thumb down +85

  42. humalong
    January 14, 2011 at 2:38 pm

    Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.

    Thumb up Thumb down -5

  43. banished
    January 14, 2011 at 2:58 pm

    one word exterminate.exterminate!!!!

    Thumb up Thumb down +3

  44. Fia Flammiferous
    January 14, 2011 at 3:14 pm

    #28 BillsBayou:

    I’m not even a fan, but “Vibratardis” had me laughing so loud I’m sure everyone in our apartment building heard.

    Thumb up Thumb down +35

  45. Nico
    January 14, 2011 at 3:20 pm

    Bonus points if it includes a Dalek buttplug. What’s the conversion rate of bonus points to bullshit again?

    Thumb up Thumb down +33

  46. invaderhorizongreen
    January 14, 2011 at 3:30 pm

    congrats we have yet another entry for sex toys that will send you to the E.R.

    Thumb up Thumb down +38

  47. Nahhh
    January 14, 2011 at 3:31 pm

    I have a Sonicare toothbrush I don’t use any more…

    Thumb up Thumb down +63

  48. catherder
    January 14, 2011 at 3:50 pm

    BARROWMAN!!!

    (although he’d probably prefer Ten, too.)

    Thumb up Thumb down +79

  49. Tanya
    January 14, 2011 at 3:53 pm

    This guy just needs a colonoscope.

    Thumb up Thumb down +1

  50. Qui
    January 14, 2011 at 5:00 pm

    “Who looks at a [dildo] and thinks ‘this could be a bit more sonic’?”

    “Haven’t you ever been bored?”

    Thumb up Thumb down +75

  51. Snargasm
    January 14, 2011 at 5:27 pm

    Okayyyyyyyyyyy. I have my share of sexual fantasies involving sci-fi characters, but they don’t involve screwdrivers, spaceships, guns, or a browncoat being lodged painfully up my cooch (or plugging my butt). They mostly involve, you know, the *characters.*

    And have none of these people heard of the Magic Wand?

    Thumb up Thumb down +37

  52. ataritastic
    January 14, 2011 at 5:38 pm

    I’m honestly surprised one of these doesn’t exist. Obviously not an officially licensed one, as it’s a family show on the BBC for chrissake, but seriously.

    Not that I want one or anything.

    Thumb up Thumb down +28

  53. Badger
    January 14, 2011 at 5:57 pm

    Oh, as a long-time Dr. Who fan (and by long-time, I mean starting with Three and working my way through Seven, then taking up again with Nine), I can guarantee you it already exists.

    That said, I’d sooner have Five. Not his sonic screwdriver, just Five. And I’d be willing to pay extra if they could throw in Turlough (I like my men rude and ginger).

    Thumb up Thumb down +55

  54. Nico
    January 14, 2011 at 6:07 pm

    Just as I was iffy on the idea of a handmade Lava lamp, I’m not certain I’d trust a handmade vibrating device that’s a light-up replica of a sonic screw driver made by someone willing to take only $30 for it.

    If you spend less than $30 on a machine-made vibrator, at worst you run the risk of it breaking 10 minutes after you take it out of the packaging.

    This person has either never bought a vibrator, or actually wants harm to come to their genitals.

    Thumb up Thumb down +48

  55. knittin-kitten
    January 14, 2011 at 6:23 pm

    So this is what Dr. River Song meant when she said “Spoilers sweetie”

    Thumb up Thumb down +39

  56. knittin-kitten
    January 14, 2011 at 6:29 pm

    Let me just add, I too would rather have Doctor #10 than his sonic screwdriver. Although Doctor #5 is not bad either…………………..

    Thumb up Thumb down +23

  57. EtsyWhore2dot0
    January 14, 2011 at 6:47 pm

    Okay, thank you #54, I so agree!

    Things that we do not want a bargain price on should definitely include anything intended to go in a vag! Just like plastic surgery, you get what you pay for (Courtney Love, anyone?)

    I plead the fifth on any Whovian fantasies that may or may not include the ninth doctor and mickey… what? I’m dirty…

    Thumb up Thumb down +16

  58. me and not you
    January 14, 2011 at 7:16 pm
  59. sheltiepitbullfun
    January 14, 2011 at 9:55 pm

    I’d like to see some impractical sex toys with non-sci fi TV themes. Lets get creative, people!

    Thumb up Thumb down +19

  60. TooCuteKawaii
    January 14, 2011 at 11:33 pm

    Ouch. I don’t know…

    Thumb up Thumb down 0

  61. Snargasm
    January 15, 2011 at 12:28 am

    @sheltiepitbullfun – I like this idea. How ’bout….The Denny Crane Vibrating Cigar!

    Thumb up Thumb down +9

  62. Menopausalmaniac
    January 15, 2011 at 5:02 am

    This woman shows that she is multi-functional, while using it if the headboard gets loose she can just whip it out and tighten up the nuts!

    Thumb up Thumb down +10

  63. honeypop
    January 15, 2011 at 10:07 am

    Holy crap. I live in Lompoc. Since its such a small town, I’m guessing my sleuthing shouldn’t take long..

    Thumb up Thumb down +7

  64. Lanus
    January 15, 2011 at 11:35 am

    One of the sounds HAS to be a booming Dalek voice screaming ‘MASTURBATE!!!! MASTURBATE!!!!!’

    Thumb up Thumb down +119

  65. mandalarain
    January 15, 2011 at 12:02 pm

    seems simple enough, just attach a vibrating bullet to a curling iron?

    Thumb up Thumb down +3

  66. mandalarain
    January 15, 2011 at 12:03 pm

    oh, must light up… darn

    Thumb up Thumb down +3

  67. msannomalley
    January 15, 2011 at 2:03 pm

    I’ll echo the sentiments of a few of the other posters. I’d rather have the Tenth Doctor. He can leave the screwdriver back in the Tardis. :-)

    Thumb up Thumb down +29

  68. blondie2222
    January 15, 2011 at 2:30 pm

    this. is. awesome.

    Thumb up Thumb down 0

  69. Hardwyre
    January 15, 2011 at 2:47 pm

    Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.

    Thumb up Thumb down -22

  70. whaapplewha
    January 15, 2011 at 6:03 pm

    Why MUST it LIGHT UP? I’m pretty sure you don’t need a flashlight to guide her into the bay.

    Thumb up Thumb down +19

  71. suburbanwretch
    January 16, 2011 at 9:11 pm

    Vibrator + stickers and a Sharpie to make some gizmo designs + duck tape on a mini light from a convenience store keychain. Done. If you want it to play music, light up like a disco bal, purr like a kitten and be microwavable and dishwasher safe, that will cost extra. Convo me.

    Thumb up Thumb down +1

  72. Holden Back
    January 16, 2011 at 9:20 pm

    I guess it stops reproduction.

    Thumb up Thumb down -2

  73. Mistletoe
    January 17, 2011 at 9:47 am
  74. Sammy the Goose
    January 17, 2011 at 12:41 pm

    I suppose that’s one way to unlock your inner Time Lord.

    Thumb up Thumb down +8

  75. rawnuh
    January 19, 2011 at 12:31 am

    i’m fairly certain that they are looking for a toy to be modeled after the sonic screwdriver, and perhaps not an exact replica…though the latter would be more intriguing… i would fork out at least $200 for something custom made…$30 is truly insulting!

    Thumb up Thumb down +7

  76. bondfool
    March 11, 2011 at 7:00 pm

    It’s bigger on the inside.

    Thumb up Thumb down +2

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