Brown Plate Special
When I first started doing this site, I signed up for something called, “Etsy Finds”. It’s an email they send every morning, filled with a hand-picked selection of the kind of horse shit they love over there. You know, empty toner cartridges covered with pictures of the Eiffel Tower, calendars made out of old cookie sheets, that sort of thing.
Anyway, I realized this morning that I’ve never even looked at one of these emails. Honestly, just the lame subject line every morning is so irritating that I can’t bear to open one. “Keeping it Teal”!, “The Tights Are On But Nobody’s Home!”, “I Don’t Remember Eating Corn!” I don’t know, the whole thing is a smear.
Well, I finally looked at one of these emails today, and it was a revelation. Apparently, Etsy finds better shit to make fun of than I do. They’re up every morning, sitting in their toile-covered cubicles, drinking soy lattes from hand-thrown cups, working to make my life easier and I didn’t even know it!
I’ve decided to start letting them do a little of the heavy lifting around here. All of this “work” I’ve been doing is really cutting into my Judge Judy time. So here’s the first Brown Plate Special, delivered fresh and steaming this morning to my mailbox by those wacky bastards at Etsy.
Bottoms up!
HOW TO GET THIS LOOK AT HOME
1. Apply 6 to 7 coats of mascara
2. Finish the Tanqueray
3. Play Tears in Heaven
3. Call your ex*
5. Pass out on face
* If no ex is available, look at childhood photos and wonder how you fucked it all up so badly
January 13, 2011 at 10:30 am
Be sure to apply masking tape between your eyebrows first for easy, clean lines!
January 13, 2011 at 10:31 am
ROFL…This kit must be a huge seller to the attendees of Dragon*Con who worship the Cruxshadows, even though every song sounds exactly the same!
January 13, 2011 at 10:31 am
There is a very fine line between “smoky eye” and “ashtray eye”.
I believe we have just crossed it.
January 13, 2011 at 10:35 am
Personally, I’d drink tequila shots while applying product, and listen to Pat Benatar “Love is a Battlefield”. I’d search for some prized 80′s earrings.
Then I’d get tequila drunk energy and do my best Pat Benatar shimy dance into the local pub.
That should get me arrested.
January 13, 2011 at 10:37 am
This is making my eyes bleed. Will it work as a cover-up?
January 13, 2011 at 10:37 am
I think this look would be complete if she put a cigarette out on her tongue.
January 13, 2011 at 10:38 am
What “tradition” is this from? Inquiring minds want to know!!
January 13, 2011 at 10:39 am
Cruelty free my ass. Just seeing this seems cruel to me.
January 13, 2011 at 10:42 am
Looking at her nose reminded me of my ’69 Cougar, with a white racing stripe right down the middle of the hood…the car looked better, though.
January 13, 2011 at 10:45 am
Or you could just look up eye makeup tutorials on you tube for free.
You save $23.94
January 13, 2011 at 10:46 am
it looks more like black feathers than eyelashes…a great way to up-cycle all those birds dropping out of the sky.
January 13, 2011 at 10:48 am
maybe she’s born with it.
January 13, 2011 at 10:55 am
This seems more “domestic violence” than “rockstar”.
January 13, 2011 at 10:55 am
I do #1-#5 and even * on a regular basis, but still don’t wake up looking that bad.
January 13, 2011 at 10:56 am
She looks like she’s in pain.
That isn’t makeup! SOMETHING IS ATTACKING HER FACE!
January 13, 2011 at 10:57 am
She’s crying because those earrings are ripping out her earlobes.
Or because of the stench of glue gun.
January 13, 2011 at 10:58 am
Sad emo tranny boy is sad
January 13, 2011 at 10:59 am
A wonderful start to a new chain of Etsy pain, Ms. K.!
I think maybe I’ll sign up for Etsy just for the finds!
January 13, 2011 at 11:01 am
This is why you always make sure that the make-up gun is not set to whore.
January 13, 2011 at 11:02 am
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
January 13, 2011 at 11:03 am
I know it’s hard to get away from those eyes, but what is going on with the bridge of that woman’s nose?
Either her face has been folded in half and there’s still a crease, or she’s a post-plastic surgery Klingon.
January 13, 2011 at 11:04 am
Forget the make-up. This is a shit-stain photograph. Jaundiced skin tone. Blown highlights. Reduced color palate. Eyes are out of focus. Looks like someone slapped her in the ear. Right side of photograph cuts off part of her left eye.
January 13, 2011 at 11:07 am
I thought this was the Ke$ha Tranny photo choice dispayed at the Face Painting booth at the State Fair.
January 13, 2011 at 11:09 am
For step #3, you can also watch My Girl.
January 13, 2011 at 11:13 am
I bow to thee Regretsy commenters! All of you have brought tears of laughter to my eyes and a smile to my face
Too bad I wasn’t wearing makeup, because I suppose I’d be on the road to completing my avant garde makeup tutorial. Curses…
January 13, 2011 at 11:18 am
Because tutorials about how to wear make-up are the very essence of handmade.
January 13, 2011 at 11:43 am
I’d buy the tutorial only if it promised to turn me into a vampire. A sparkly one, not a hooker vampire.
January 13, 2011 at 12:10 pm
I seriously thought this was Tim Curry ala Rocky Horror when I first looked at it.
But at second glance I realized his make up was better.
January 13, 2011 at 12:14 pm
I find myself refreshing the home page all throughout my day. And as Oliver Twist would say “I want some more.”
A regretsy app that notifies me when a new entry has been posted is a must for the near future.
January 13, 2011 at 12:17 pm
OMG OMG OMG!! I totally have those earrings so I must get this kit. My acid washed jeans, sweatshirt with neck cut out, and high tops outfit will look awesome now!!!
January 13, 2011 at 12:25 pm
I especially love the “Natural Beauty, Naturally.”
The look is not natural and we seem to differ in our definitions of the word “beauty”
January 13, 2011 at 1:12 pm
Damn, and here we’d been using our old cookie sheets to bake howitzer parts on! clearly we’re doing it wrong.
January 13, 2011 at 1:15 pm
I’m only buying it if it comes with a bonus section on how to get that glamorous “just punched in the cheek” look she’s sporting.
January 13, 2011 at 1:21 pm
Remember about a week ago, when that photo of Katy Perry without makeup got posted? Hubby and I had a little exchanged that ended, “Imagine how hot you’d think I was if I wore as much makeup as Katy Perry?” So I tried to show him. That’s when Ella Rose came by and took a picture of me.
Only the last sentence of that is a lie. And I did totally look like that chick–even without the phone call to my ex.
January 13, 2011 at 1:24 pm
I think it’s sweet that she let her toddler apply her makeup; apparently while one or both were having a seizure.
January 13, 2011 at 1:51 pm
I have never been out and about and seen someone wearing make up like this. Well, maybe at the drag queen show but never at the grocery store or mall. Come to think of it, I’ve also never been out and seen a grown up wearing a tutu and yet they seem to sell on Etsy. Go figure.
January 13, 2011 at 1:57 pm
Sarah Jessica Parker pondering recent career choices.
January 13, 2011 at 2:22 pm
The look on the model’s face says, “Is she gonna put this Rorschach test on the fucking internet? FUCK, I think she’s going to put it on the internet.”
January 13, 2011 at 2:26 pm
I actually like this makeup look and will probably try to emulate it at some point.
For clubbing, people. And only sometimes. I wouldn’t run errands like that. I do have some normal human boundaries of taste and appropriateness.
But I have to agree with xxarachnexx, the “natural beauty. Naturally.” slogan is hilarious. How would one come by this look naturally – by falling face-first on a porcupine covered in charcoal dust? I just don’t know.
January 13, 2011 at 2:45 pm
Can we talk for a moment about where I might get those earrings for my next 80′s-themed Harry Potter party? Or at least a good deal on craft foam, varnish, and discount mismatched sequins? Thanks.
January 13, 2011 at 2:53 pm
That’s less of a smoky eye, and more of a “oh shit, I just started a grease fire in the kitchen” eye.
January 13, 2011 at 3:15 pm
Tried to blow up a bus you say? But it backfired before you could get your lips to the exhaust pipe?
January 13, 2011 at 3:16 pm
I don’t care what anyone says. That David Bowie was a handsome woman.
January 13, 2011 at 3:30 pm
I choked on my coffee reading this. I do reviews and interviews of Etsy shops and sellers; and this… I don’t think I could review this without having nightmares about the cousin of the clown from It. Hell, I don’t think I could do it even if I was PAID to do it =/
January 13, 2011 at 4:01 pm
You learn from the video how easy it is to “over-smoke” (as they say in the biz, or if they don’t, they should), in which case you don’t end up with the subtle look we see here. Totally worth the money.
January 13, 2011 at 4:22 pm
SOMEone missed their Activia this morning.
January 13, 2011 at 5:19 pm
I have no idea what it is that this seller has against properly-lit, in-focus photography, but I couldn’t find a single half-decent picture in her entire etsy store.
January 13, 2011 at 5:47 pm
My teenage daughter wears makeup like this… after she’s slept facedown for 8 hours in her goth makeup from the day before.
I never realized she’s been washing off a fortune every morning.
January 13, 2011 at 5:48 pm
Smoky eye, smoky cheek, smoky eyebrow, smoky forehead …
January 13, 2011 at 6:10 pm
I was so busy looking at the makeup, I didn’t even notice the earrings until everyone else mentioned them.
January 13, 2011 at 6:30 pm
I keep noticing the fangs coming out of her nostrils. Is there something about the eyes I’m missing?
January 13, 2011 at 8:30 pm
Have to agree with #31 and others – since when are false eyelashes and sequin glued earrings ‘Natural’? ‘Cause if you’re going to the kind of club or private party this kind of make-up warrants – unnatural eyeshadow ingredients will likely be among the *least* strange chemicals your body ingests…in various ways.
January 13, 2011 at 9:00 pm
I live in a semi-rural area, and I can tell you right now, she goes out with her face looking like that, she’s gonna end up being mobbed by lovesick raccoons.
January 13, 2011 at 10:19 pm
noooo! #53 was supposed to be a thumbsup! UP!!!! Gad damn it all!!!!
January 14, 2011 at 12:12 am
Shit, this is girlfriend’s “natural” look? I’m really eager to see what her fantasy-evening-club look is.
(glue tinfoil to your faaceee. doooo ittttt. glue it to your eyeeeeesss it’ll look sogood)
January 14, 2011 at 5:40 am
This is what they look like after working the corner all night.
Not that I would know.
January 14, 2011 at 8:25 am
So *this* is what happens when clowns go goth.
January 14, 2011 at 9:56 am
But she’s so Jerseylicious!!!
January 14, 2011 at 2:45 pm
#58 angelbuttons77:
Methinks she needs a few more hours in the tanning booth.
January 14, 2011 at 4:10 pm
I’m just after saving myself $23.94! I have plenty of these natural colours in my fireplace and the seller was kind enough to list all the tutorial steps in the description!
PS the steps are not in the listing itself, so I guess the seller deleted them…
January 21, 2011 at 10:08 pm
for that coked-out drag queen look.
January 27, 2011 at 4:49 pm
oh, she looks sooo natural…What the?
January 31, 2011 at 10:07 am
Her right eye says, “Hurry up and take the picture and then I’m gonna f**k you up.”
Her left eye says, “Oh, woe, what have I done with my sad, sad life?”
March 16, 2011 at 2:19 pm
fug is natural