Brown Plate Special
When I first started doing this site, I signed up for something called, “Etsy Finds”. It’s an email they send every morning, filled with a hand-picked selection of the kind of horse shit they love over there. You know, empty toner cartridges covered with pictures of the Eiffel Tower, calendars made out of old cookie sheets, that sort of thing.
Anyway, I realized this morning that I’ve never even looked at one of these emails. Honestly, just the lame subject line every morning is so irritating that I can’t bear to open one. “Keeping it Teal”!, “The Tights Are On But Nobody’s Home!”, “I Don’t Remember Eating Corn!” I don’t know, the whole thing is a smear.
Well, I finally looked at one of these emails today, and it was a revelation. Apparently, Etsy finds better shit to make fun of than I do. They’re up every morning, sitting in their toile-covered cubicles, drinking soy lattes from hand-thrown cups, working to make my life easier and I didn’t even know it!
I’ve decided to start letting them do a little of the heavy lifting around here. All of this “work” I’ve been doing is really cutting into my Judge Judy time. So here’s the first Brown Plate Special, delivered fresh and steaming this morning to my mailbox by those wacky bastards at Etsy.
HOW TO GET THIS LOOK AT HOME
1. Apply 6 to 7 coats of mascara
2. Finish the Tanqueray
3. Play Tears in Heaven
3. Call your ex*
5. Pass out on face
* If no ex is available, look at childhood photos and wonder how you fucked it all up so badly